We Can Relate

Men asked, they answered

2009-07-23T13:30:00.003-04:00

Today, lifestyle site AskMen.com revealed the results of The Great Male Survey, which polled more than 50,000 men on their views about relationships, finance, fashion and more.

“The results of the 2009 survey confirmed that men aren't the bumbling sex maniacs that TV shows and commercials make us out to be," said James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen.com. "We're in fact intelligent, romantic, self-aware beings … with enormous libidos.”

Some of the results:

– 84 percent of men look for wife potential in a girlfriend.

– 85 percent of men believe that they should pay for the majority of dates at least until a relationship is established.

– 70 percent of men would not cheat, but only 13 percent are entirely satisfied with their sex lives.

– 84 percent cook at home.

– 50 percent are comfortable with their significant other staying in touch with an ex.

– 69 percent have fantasized about a girlfriend or wife's friend.

– 73 percent of men are comfortable sending birthday wishes via text message, versus a phone call or face-to-face greeting.

– 81 percent of respondents say that the economic crisis has not had a direct negative effect on their career progress; yet it did prompt 69 percent of men to save more money in 2009.

– The best-dressed men are in Italy.

– American men have greater moral qualms about living with a partner before marriage, are more likely to fake an orgasm (!!), and are more concerned about global warming than their male counterparts in Australia, UK and Canada.

In addition, AskMen.com partnered with Yahoo! Shine for The Great Female Survey, which had about 19,000 respondents. Highlights:

– 34 percent of women said their confidence is their main weapon to attract men.

– 17 percent use their looks as their secret weapon.

– 39 percent of women believe Sarah Palin set women back 20 years.

– More than 75 percent believe that women of this era are best identified as “do-it-all multi-taskers” versus the 8 percent who feel that a woman should be identified as a nurturing mother and the 13 percent who think of women as “career women go-getters.”

Comparative results revealed:

– Men are more traditional, women are less traditional.

– 12 percent fewer women than men believe that marriage is a necessary institution that they will participate in to help preserve.

– 48 percent of men said they would dump a girlfriend if she became fat (c'mon, guys!), while 70 percent of women said they would keep a husky boyfriend around.

– 60 percent of men would take the male birth control pill and 68 percent of women would prefer that option too.

Are the results what you expected? I was surprised at how many men thought they should pay for more dates at the beginning of the relationship ... and that so few are satisfied with their sex lives. Also, I say bring on that male birth control pill!

You can view full survey results here and here.

Anti-belly fat marketers: We got the message

2009-07-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Internet advertising designers/developers: Please, no more about belly fat.

I need no more details about how we gain it, how to lose it, or how celebrities from Oprah Winfrey to Rachael Ray have employed new and expensive methods for eradicating it. (And you can, too!)

Give me no more testimonials written by supposed local moms who claim to swear by Product A or Product B. Ditto for made-up blogs accompanied by grainy photos and very old comments expressing support, real or imagined.

But, most emphatically, don't show me any more photos of other people's belly fat when I visit a Web page -- and it happens nearly every time I click. (Try searching "belly fat." I got 2.8 million results. For research purposes, I clicked. Too many links included photos.)

Why in the world would some ad agency employee think that seeing someone squish their belly fat would make me want to click the photo to read more?

Please, stop.

I don't need anymore descriptions to know that it's bad or that, if I have it, I should get rid of it.

I certainly don't need a photo to know what it is.

And, here's a clue: When it comes to losing belly fat, you might inspire me more by what I might achieve -- not by what I might already be.

Should you stay or should you go?

2009-07-01T09:27:00.006-04:00

The saddest thing I've heard in the whole Mark Sanford mess?

That he considers his Argentinian mistress his soul mate ... and yet he's trying to fall back in love with his wife.

Trying? Bonnie Raitt lyrics immediately spring to mind: "I can't make you love me if you don't/You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

I've been thinking about this for several days now. If you're in a committed relationship and you become more emotionally connected to a person outside that relationship, do you stay in your current situation, or do you leave? Do you sacrifice your personal happiness for the promise you made to your partner?

Thanks to the S.C. governor's verbal diarrhea, we know way more than we should about his personal struggles. ("My guess is that it's an emotional breakdown," said Katon Dawson, immediate past chairman of the state Republican Party. "He's so emotional now he wants to tell everybody everything.") We also know from their e-mails that Mark Sanford and Maria Belen Chapur weren't just having a fling. They made an emotional connection way before they had a physical one. “This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” Sanford, said in an interview yesterday. Dude was crying during the interview; he's been crying a lot lately. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

So here's what I wanna know: if you aren't in love with your partner anymore and you want to be with someone else -- and we're not talking about lust, or simple infatuation here -- why stay in that relationship? Because, really, who benefits in the long run? Also, if you know your partner isn't in love with you anymore, why would you want them to stay? I can understand sticking together for the kids, but do you honestly think they won't know that something isn't right?

On the flip side, there's something to be said for making a promise and keeping it. When people commit to each other, it's an agreement that they will live their lives as a team. Most people who have kids in relationships do so with the understanding that they'll have a partner in parenting. A support system in tough times and someone to enjoy the good times. Such a commitment should be able to withstand factors such as infidelity and emotional malaise, right? You work through them and come out stronger on other side.

... Or not.

Oy. Makes me glad to be single. But what about you, readers? Would you leave if you loved someone else, or would you stay?

Will we ever like public couples?

2009-06-29T07:21:00.000-04:00

When it comes to the seesaw of public opinion, the past few weeks have given us the extreme highs and lows of relationships and politics.

Most recently, we watched in awe -- and, many of us, in disgust -- as S.C. governor Mark Sanford confessed to an extramarital affair and his wife, Jenny, explained that she kicked him out to maintain her dignity. We derided the governor, praised his wife, and pitied their family for having to deal with all of it.

A few weeks before that, we saw President Obama take his wife, Michelle, on a romantic date -- dinner in New York City and a Broadway show. We complained. We asked: Were the Obamas setting an unrealistic example for romance? We sniffed: Nice that he can take his wife to NYC for a date, unlike the rest of us.

So we don't like philanderers. And we don't like romantics. Huh?

Seems like, when it comes to couples in the public eye, all we do is complain.

We've criticized how Elizabeth Edwards has handled her husband's infidelity. We've watched with glee for any sign of strife between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. We slammed Lisa Marie Presley for marrying Michael Jackson -- and questioned her need to declare her love upon his death.

So, who do we love? Is there a high-profile relationship in which we wouldn't find fault? And, if the answer is no, what does that say about us?

Way to go, Jenny Sanford!

2009-06-26T12:13:00.012-04:00

I want to buy Jenny Sanford a drink. Girlfriend could probably use one about now.

People are slamming on her, saying she's a controlling harpy. So cold, so bossy, so tough. No wonder her man ran into the arms of another woman, they say. If she'd been concentrating on what was going on at home, instead of what was going on at the office, she might not be in this mess.

What a crock.

I think Jenny Sanford is awesome. We've seen a parade of political wives who've stood by their men as they denied or apologized for their sexual indiscretions. Every time there's a chorus of, "why is she putting up with this? How can she stand to be humiliated in such a way? What a fool!" and so on. Then the Sanford crap hits the fan and Miss Jenny is so not like those other wives. She's probably like, "you know what? I've been dealing with this hot mess for five months while this joker tries to figure out what he wants to do. I've already kicked his butt out. The kids will need therapy. And he left Father's Day weekend? No way I'm going down like this!"

So what does she do? When Mark Sanford went missing, she didn't cover for him. She admitted she had no idea where he was, knowing what message that would send. When he held his mea culpa news conference, she and her four boys were nowhere in sight. When reporters asked about her husband's political career, her response was, "his career is not a concern of mine. He'll have to worry about that. I'm going to worry about my family and the character of my children."

Love her.

Jenny Sanford is going through a defining moment in her life, and she has chosen to put herself and her kids first -- not her husband's career. I admire that. She's handling this situation on her terms, which has got to be hard, considering the intense pressure she's under. If she takes her husband back, it won't be for appearance's sake, it'll be because she wants to give their marriage another chance.

Where others see a harpy I see a strong, smart woman who's being straight-up with everyone, especially her husband. Why criticize her for standing up for herself? At least she'll be able to hold her head high after this ... which is more than we can say for Mark Sanford and his Argentinian mistress.

Update: Jenny Sanford offers details about how she found out about the affair here. Man, did her husband dig himself a deep hole!

Can infidelity plus love equal pity?

2009-06-26T11:10:00.002-04:00

Mark Sanford's e-mails to his Argentinian mistress drip with emotion, with detail, with passion.

They read like they were written by a man who longs to express his feelings in poetry. They read like they were written by a man in love.

It's surprising: I've heard pity for South Carolina's governor from an array of avid followers of the story -- from married to single, man and woman.

How tragic, those followers say, to be 49, a public figure, and so obviously in love.

How horrifying, they say, to have such private thoughts and feelings trotted out for public display.

How stupid, they conclude, for Sanford to have made such a classic misstep by a man in a position of power.

No one can win in such a situation -- not Sanford, not his mistress, and, most importantly, not his wife and kids. (We'll have to see how the residents of South Carolina fare.)

It's not that finding love excuses infidelity. Before entering into a relationship with Maria Belen Chapur, perhaps Sanford should have settled things with his wife. He should have repaired a marriage that wasn't quite right in his heart. And if he felt he couldn't honor that union -- obviously, he didn't -- he should have tried to be as honorable as he could in the situation and ended the marriage.

But he did neither of those things, and now his tragedy -- and the tragedy of his family -- is a drama for the nation.

And his love, most certainly, is lost.

Movies to break up to

2009-06-18T09:56:00.000-04:00

A friend sent me this list of 20 Essential Break Up movies, as chosen and described by eHarmony. I'm amused that a dating site would do such a thing (to help people recover quickly and move on to their next eHarmony-provided relationship?), but I like that the list is a mix of old and new, U.S. and foreign flicks.

1. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind": This offbeat romantic comedy stars Jim Carrey as Joel, who opts for a procedure in which memories of his girlfriend, Clementine (Kate Winslet), are erased after he learns she's already had the surgery done. But as his doctor begins to wipe out traces of Clementine, Joel decides he doesn't want to lose what's left of their relationship, so he squirrels away the memories somewhere else in his brain.

2. "Kramer vs. Kramer": Ted (Dustin Hoffman) is a career-driven yuppie -- until he finds out his wife (Meryl Streep) is leaving him and their 6-year-old son. Ted soon finds that he loves being a full-time parent, but then his wife reappears to reclaim the boy. Poignant and beautifully acted.

3. "Annie Hall": Listen closely and you can actually hear the stress hormones pumping through the bodies of the characters in Annie Hall. Woody Allen's real, funny ode to love among twitchy city dwellers includes cameos from not-yet-stars Jeff Goldblum, Shelley Duvall and Sigourney Weaver.

4. "Chungking Express": Hong Kong director Kar Wai Wong established a unique style with this cerebral film that tells two somewhat similar but unrelated stories about loneliness and disconnection in the big city. In the first story, a policeman pines after his former girlfriend and gives himself 30 days to find another woman; in the second story, another policeman catches the eye of an attractive waitress, who's intent on completely rearranging his life.

5. High Fidelity: Vintage record store owner Rob Gordon (John Cusack) has been dumped by his girlfriend, Laura (Iben Hjejle), because he hasn't changed since they met. In an attempt to figure out where things went wrong, Rob revisits his top five breakups of all time. As he seeks out his former lovers to find out why they dumped him, he continues his efforts to win Laura back. Based on the Nick Hornby novel, the film is a clever, funny tribute to the music scene.

6. "The War of the Roses": This battle of the married sexes played out under director Danny DeVito's jaundiced eye is what The Washington Post termed, "A yuppie Armageddon, an explosion of empty values and curdled peevishness." Oliver Rose (Michael Douglas) is losing control over his wife, Barbara (Kathleen Turner), after 17 years of marriage. The irreconcilable difference is their house. Neither wants to move out, so that means all-out war!

7. "White": Julie Delpy stars in Krzysztof Kieslowski's dark comedy (the middle segment in his "three colors" trilogy) about the price of passion. Polish immigrant Karol Karol (Zbigniew Zamachowski) is humiliated in a public courtroom by his wife (Delpy) during their divorce proceedings. Shamed and brokenhearted, he finds an ally in a fellow countryman. The two concoct a way back to post-Communist Poland, where Karol sets about rebuilding his life.

8. "Broken Flowers": After being dumped by yet another girlfriend (Julie Delpy), Don Johnston (Bill Murray) vows he'll be alone forever. But when a mysterious unsigned letter arrives in the mail, he's surprised to learn he has a 19-year-old son. With no idea who the mother could be, Don sets out on a cross-country journey to confront his past, surprising a series of old flames (Frances Conroy, Jessica Lange, Sharon Stone and Tilda Swinton) along the way.

9. "Swingers": In director Doug Liman's career-making look at twentysomething guys, struggling comedian Mike (Jon Favreau) despairs over his love life, so his four pals, fellow Hollywood hopefuls, pump up his nightlife. Buddy (Vince Vaughn), offering dubious lessons on "babes," even whisks Mike to Vegas. Although their attempts at living la vida loca seldom work out as fantasized, Mike meets one woman (Heather Graham) who might finally break his funk.

10. "The Squid and the Whale": Jeff Daniels makes for a haunting Brooklyn professor who's well past his prime, and Laura Linney is his writer wife on the brink of stardom in Noah Baumbach's honest look at the disintegration of a marriage. With their lives headed for distinctly opposite directions, the two can't help but be acrimonious about their impending separation. Unfortunately, their two children are stuck in the middle of the emotional warfare.

11. Forgetting Sarah Marshall: A hilarious comedy produced by Judd Apatow ("Knocked Up," "Superbad"). After his TV star girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), breaks his heart, Peter (Jason Segel) wants nothing more than to enjoy his vacation in Hawaii. One problem: Sarah's vacationing at the same resort he is, and even worse, she's bringing her new beau.

12. Better Off Dead: After his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) ditches him for a boorish ski jock, Lane (John Cusack) decides that suicide is the only answer. However, his increasingly inept attempts only bring him more agony and embarrassment. Filled with the wildest teen nightmares, a family you can't help but identify with and a host of wonderful comic characters.

13. "An Unmarried Woman": Director Paul Mazursky's poignant portrayal of a woman dealing with the dissolution of her marriage was a groundbreaking film at the time of its release. When her seemingly perfect husband (Michael Murphy) leaves her for another woman, devastated wife Erica (Jill Clayburgh) must find untapped strength within herself to build a new life.

14. Dodsworth: To escape an empty nest, an automobile tycoon (Walter Huston) and his fortysomething wife (Ruth Chatterton) plan a luxurious vacation in Europe. But as Mrs. Dodsworth embarks on a series of indiscretions -- including a romance with a gigolo -- it becomes apparent that the couple's plans for their golden years don't mesh. From director William Wyler, the film is based on the best-selling novel by Sinclair Lewis and an acclaimed stage play.

15. "Diary of a Mad Black Woman": Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise) is happy and completely satisfied with her life: She has a doting husband, Charles (Steve Harris), an impressive home in their native Atlanta complete with a swimming pool and tennis courts, and anything else money can buy. But the night before her 18th anniversary, Charles kicks her out of their home and replaces her with his mistress, calling into question what Helen had long considered a solid marriage.

16. "Breaking Up": Based on a two-person play by Michael Christofer (who also wrote the screenplay), Breaking Up is a series of charming vignettes that reveals the on-again, off-again relationship between modern lovers Steve (Russell Crowe) and Monica (Salma Hayek). Their emotional bond is so intense that it borders on the manic-depressive, and they constantly fluctuate between romantic euphoria and ennui … like many of the rest of us!

17. "Divorce American Style": Television sitcom director Norman Lear helms this dark comedy about the paralyzing process of divorce. Ex-couple Dick Van Dyke and Debbie Reynolds come to realize that after the trials and tribulations of dating, debilitating alimony payouts and commiserations with fellow divorcees, married life wasn't so bad after all.

18. My Super Ex-Girlfriend: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a bitter superwoman scorned! In this slapstick comedy from Ivan Reitman, New Yorker Matt Saunders (Luke Wilson) is fed up with his manipulative girlfriend, Jenny Johnson (Uma Thurman), and gives her the heave-ho. He moves on with his life, leaving the heartbroken Jenny -- aka G-girl -- to do everything within her superpowers to humiliate Matt.

19. "The Belly of an Architect": Jealousy rears its ugly head in this searing drama about a workaholic architect, Stourley Kracklite (Brian Dennehy), who's traveling to Rome for a job. On this trip, however, he's brought his wife (Chloe Webb), who's grown distant and whom he begins to suspect is in love with another man. But that's not all: Kracklite also thinks his wife is plotting to kill him so she can live happily ever after, but he won't let her get away with it.

20. "The Break-Up" (pictured above): Once blissfully in love, Gary (Vince Vaughn) and Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) find themselves up in arms over custody of their upscale Chicago condo when petty spats about lemons and dirty dishes end their romance. An escalating battle of the exes ensues as Gary and Brooke continue to live under the same roof … while cooking up schemes to drive each other off the premises.

My list would have to include "Closer" (Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Clive Owen and Natalie Portman in a twisted mess of deceit, infidelity and egocentricity) and "Waiting to Exhale" (the healing power of friendship as four black women -- Angela Basset, Whitney Houston, Loretta Devine and Lela Rochon -- deal with romantic quandries). What about yours?

Don't let Calvin Klein get to you

2009-06-16T12:57:00.003-04:00

The clever ad guys at designer Calvin Klein are at it again, stirring the blood of America with a controversial new campaign. Near nudity isn't enough. Implied sweaty sex isn't enough. Implied sweaty gay sex isn't enough. Now we've moved into implied sweaty group bisexual sex.

Maybe this wouldn't be so conversation-inspiring if the ad was buried in the latest issue of Cosmo or Vanity Fair. But CK has taken over the side of a building in New York City with a 50-foot billboard of the steamy foursome. (What? You don't think the hottie on the floor is gonna be left out of the action, do you?)

"It's soft pornography is what it is," Laurie Baranowski, a tourist in New York, told FoxNews.com. "I don't think that just because you put Calvin Klein's name on it makes it acceptable. It's a beautiful picture, but I don't think that that's the place for it."

Aaand ... I agree with her. Not about the "soft pornography" part, but the "I don't think that's the place for it" part. But am I disgusted and morally outraged? Nah. This is what the company does -- they're provocateurs.

I took a quick trip down CK ad lane, and the images were borderline NSFW. Lots of pics like this one: genetically blessed, touchy-feely young models, barely clad in snug denim and spritzed with something to make them look sticky and sweaty and sexy as all get-out. The only thing different about this campaign is the number of writhing bodies. (This billboard pic is actually part of a series. Think this is freaky? There's an image with five people breathing heavy.)

I think what really gets to people is what the image implies. The three guys and one chick look like they're all about to get it on. As in, there aren't enough women to go around, and that's not a problem. Put that on a billboard and not only may some parents have to explain the birds and the bees, but why some boy bees might like other boy bees instead of the queen.

But here's the thing. We all know that Calvin Klein is doing this to get publicity, to get people talking. The reality is, while it's a beautiful and erotic photo, everyone in it, and the photographer who took it, were paid to create a fantasy. The only power it has is what we give it. If you don't freak out, your kids won't freak out. As for such an image contributing to the oversexing of our culture, one could argue that a 50-foot billboard of topless, entwined pretty people could actually desensitize passers-by to the beauty and sensuality of the human form. Not me, mind you -- I would smile every time I passed it, and I don't even wear Calvin Klein jeans.

What do you think? Are you offended by the new campaign?

Can you find love without looking?

2009-06-10T07:41:00.000-04:00

As my friend and I once were lamenting the lack of a love life, my friend told me that, although she truly desired a serious relationship, she did not wish to seek. She wanted to be found.

It's not that my friend never got offers. She received invites for dates regularly.

She just never accepted them, finding reasons to turn down one guy because of one fault, and the next guy for a completely different fault. The criticisms generally were superficial because she never gave the guys a chance. (In the interest of full disclosure, I will confess that I once seriously considered dumping a guy because he held his fork in a really annoying way.)

But as for the not seeking, but being found: I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. If you want something in your life -- from the trivial to the intrinsic -- don't you have to seek it at some level? Don't you have to do some research, some self-examination -- or, at the very least, some thinking?

If you want it, don't you have to work for it?

Your search might not take you down the intended path. When I met my husband, I was actually scamming for his friend. I soon found out the friend was a donkey. And my husband wasn't. Most days.

That discovery required a search.

Being found sounds magical. It seems effortless. But, in the end, I wonder if sticking with that plan would prove more effort than it's worth.

Trouble in a red dress

2009-06-08T09:45:00.001-04:00

Flipping through the channels on a recent sleepless night, I stumbled across a particularly interesting episode of "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?"

A young couple from Pennsylvania was planning their marriage, but family problems got in the way.

Groom and brother/best man couldn't get along. The groom was devastated when it came down to this: His brother wouldn't stand for him on his wedding day. He was moved to sobbing; I felt for him.

Then, the groom's mother wouldn't cooperate with the bride's wishes in terms of attire.

Huh? I thought, this bride needs to get over it. Dresses aren't important enough to get upset about.

Then I saw the dress -- red and vampy. And heard the mother-in-law say she was so happy about her son getting married, she wanted to pretend it was her day -- and that she was the bride.

Granted, that dress looked spectacular. And the mother-in-law was a bubbly hoot, it seemed. (At least the editing made it look so.) But there's being happy for your child's good fortune, and there's taking the spotlight when you really shouldn't.

The bride decided to let it ride. And, come wedding day, everyone was happy. Groom and brother made up; the guests smiled graciously as mother-in-law made the rounds; bride was beautiful.

But I hope that red dress wasn't a harbinger of serious family relationships issues to come. I wouldn't place any bets on it.

Can Mom be a Babe?

2009-06-02T08:40:00.000-04:00

When your son asks if he can call you "Babe" -- as in, "Hey, babe," -- several lines of thought race through your mind.

You can plead to yourself: Please, please, please, I don't want to raise a Shia LaBeouf, who last month made waves by saying: “If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds." (Shia, you can call your mother beautiful without EVER going that far. It is sick.)

You can realize he hears his dad calling you babe and be happy with the fact that he recognizes terms of endearment (and genuine affection) in his parents' relationship.

Or you can giggle and ask (because your son is an innocent four years old), "I prefer Mommy, but why do you want to call me babe?"

"Because I love you," he says.

OK, I tell him. That seems like a good reason.

What's in a kiss? A lot

2009-06-01T09:31:00.001-04:00

This incident may go down as one of the best or one of the worst decisions of Halle Berry's career.

If you missed it, all you have to do is Google to find photo evidence galore: The actress briefly made out with actor Jamie Foxx when he gave her the Decade of Hottness award at Spike TV's 2009 "Guys Choice Awards" over the weekend. Actually, "made out" might be too tame a term. Her hand went for his crotch while he grabbed her butt like he planned to take a hunk of it home with him (he also looked like he wanted to cry and/or thank Jesus, which was pretty funny). Depending on how you feel about Halle, Jamie or very public scope-and-gropes, the scene was disgusting, degrading, or hot as hell.

What I find fascinating is how people have responded. Message boards are overflowing with people weighing in. There's the "what was she thinking, she's a mother and an Oscar winner" camp. There's the "ain't she got a man at home and won't he be packing his bags when he sees this" camp. There's the "once you go black, you always come back" camp. (Halle's S.O. is model Gabriel Aubry, who is crazygorgeous ... and white.) There's the "Jamie Foxx is the luckiest man alive and I really hate him" camp. The "they totally had sex in a dressing room after" and "somebody got laid when they got home" camps. And so on. A few seconds of screen time have sparked hours of conversations about race, sexual boundaries, relationship boundaries and modern-day feminism.

For my part, I thought it was bad idea. Don't get me wrong -- I think she should be able to do whatever she wants to do. But no matter if it was Jamie or any other man (or woman), I thought her actions were disrespectful to her partner. It's one thing if you're an actor and you slobber on somebody because it's in the script. But all she had to do was show up and accept an award, not offer up soft-core porn for YouTube posterity. Also, it seemed a little desperate to me. Halle doesn't have go for the gusto with Jamie Foxx to prove that, at age 42, she deserves a hotness award; she does it by simply breathing.

Maybe it was a publicity stunt. Maybe she's always had a jones for Jamie and seized (no pun intended) the opportunity. Maybe her man made her mad before she left the house, and she decided to get back at him in a very public way. We'll never know.

Just as we can have many reactions to what she did, we can think of just as many explanations for her actions. One thing's for sure: if Halle Berry wanted to be in the spotlight, she got her wish.

No thanks to the last word

2009-05-28T07:44:00.000-04:00

When it comes to relationships -- with spouses and significant others, siblings and in-laws, friends and colleagues -- the best lesson I've learned is this:

No matter how good it makes you feel at that moment, having the last word during a disagreement rarely is worth it.

In fact, I can't think of a situation in which having the last word did me much good in terms of relationship-building.

With a spouse or a significant other, it just makes you look overcritical (or nagging). With a friend, you come off as petty and possibly non-supportive. With colleagues or your boss, you just might be lecturing a little too much (or challenging in a not-so-constructive way). And with an in-law? Just choose any words you utter very carefully, and then let the issue lie. Quickly.

But that's just my experience. What's the best relationship lesson you've learned and why?

Sticker shock

2009-05-25T07:51:00.005-04:00

This Memorial Day, I have to share a sad commentary on how clueless and callous some people can be.

I was in traffic, sitting at a red light, when noticed the car a little ahead of me in the next lane. It had a big sticker on the trunk in the shape of a yellow ribbon, the kind people have to show they support the troops. I saw this sticker had words on it, and inched forward so I could read it. Someone's name? I wondered. A military battalion?

My jaw dropped. Support Pimpin, the sticker said.

When the light changed, I sped up so I could see the driver of the car. He was young, attractive guy who looked to between 18 and 22.

I'm probably turning into a grumpy, middle-aged lady, but that sticker, and that guy, disgusted me. What got me the most was that he didn't even realize the message he was ultimately sending. He probably thought he was cool as hell with that sticker. Nevermind that it was an affront to people who use those stickers to show their support for the military, or breast cancer survivors or other important causes. Nevermind that he's either glorifying a practice where a man makes a living by brutalizing women and forcing them to sell their bodies, or he's abusing women by sleeping around with many of them and living off their largesse.

That's not cute.

That's not sexy.

And that's definitely not cool.

Becoming a joiner, for the kids

2009-05-20T08:00:00.004-04:00

As I sit here on a brisk morning, my kids watching "Barbie: Diamond Castle" and eating a second breakfast of pretzel sticks because they can't yet play outside, I contemplate what I have become because of them.

Today, I am A Joiner.

Before kids, I was happy to have a small, family-like circle of friends -- we relied on each other, we entertained each other, we needed little else.

But now, with two pairs of inquisitive eyes watching my every move -- and two little minds mimicking most of it -- I feel the need to be a better role model when it comes to socializing.

When I was a kid, I was timid around most everyone but my family. Extracurricular activities were excruciating. It took me an entire play date (though, of course, they weren't called that then) to warm up. I was reserved (shy?) well into adulthood.

I'm determined to help my kids get past that awkwardness much earlier in life, because I can see they both thrive on interaction with others ... even when mom doesn't.

So I have Joined -- a group of women who meet weekly to discuss the challenges of parenthood. I have Networked -- coffee, lunch, dinner, you name it. I have Signed Up -- classes, lectures, performances.

I have met some wonderful people -- even if I've fretted in preparation for most every meeting.

And my kids are learning that home is safe. Home is where the heart is. But maximum fun can be found when you venture beyond these four walls.

Elizabeth Edwards -- whose story is it?

2009-05-18T08:00:00.008-04:00

Why, the critics of Elizabeth Edwards ask, would she write about her husband's infidelity in her new memoir, "Resilience"? Why would she discuss it with Oprah Winfrey on national television?

They scold her: Hasn't John Edwards put you through enough? Do you have to put yourself through the wringer?

"People feel they have license to tell me how I should have reacted and responded," Edwards told The (Raleigh) News & Observer on Saturday when she held a book-signing at a local bookstore. "This story I'm telling is my own and no one else's, and no one can decide how I should tell it."

So let's try these possible explanations for her very public disclosures:

She needed catharsis. Months of rumors and denials and admissions have caused her immeasurable stress, emotional and physical. Telling her story could lift that from her shoulders.

She needed confession. The chance to describe how she felt and what she thought would, she hoped, put an end to some of the questions about how she has handled her relationship with her husband going forward.

She needed to move on, because she has incurable cancer and feeling rancor about John Edwards' affair with a campaign staffer would not allow her to enjoy every moment she has left of her life.

The story of John Edwards' affair was told -- and continues to be told -- in the most public of arenas in the most repetitive fashion (none of them particularly sensitive to his wife and their children). Elizabeth Edwards is correct -- it is her story to tell. Why shouldn't she have her chance, on her terms?

After all, she (tragically) will not have to live long with the sadness and hurt her husband's affair has caused her, her children, her family.

Only her husband will have the chance to heal that.

Husband Hunting Bra? This is just wrong.

2009-05-13T13:31:00.004-04:00

C'mon now. This wouldn't even work as a gag gift.

New from the Japanese company Triumph comes "support" for "the women who don't have everything: the 'Husband-Hunting Bra.' " Yep, it's a brassiere with a nuptial timepiece (above) that the wearer sets herself.

"First you decide your target time or deadline till marriage and the countdown clock will start. Once you find your life partner and get engaged, you have to insert the engagement ring into the slot and the clock stops and 'The Wedding March' begins," Keiko Masuda of Triumph told Reuters.

Sigh.

Like other countries, Japan's marriage rate is falling and the average wedding age -- now 28 -- is rising. Fifty-seven percent of women under age 34 are single, and Masuda said they've become more aggressive in their quest to find a mate. "The roles have switched completeley," he said.

And how is this bra supposed to help? As if the pressure to get to the alter wasn't enough, some chicks now need foundation garments to remind them their biological clocks are ticking? Ugh.

N.C. city made a booty call list

2009-05-12T12:36:00.003-04:00

The Web site OnlineBootyCall.com, has released its top 10 cities for booty calls, aka "sex with no strings that always seems to have 'em anyway." The site is for people looking to "connect with like-minded singles for casually dating." (Uh, is this like the scandalous personals on Craigslist where people keep getting arrested for solicitation?)

I tried to look at the site here at work and the Observer's filter sent me to the FBI homepage -- that's what we get when a site is too naughty for the workplace. A bad (or good, considering how you look at it) sign. Here's the site's top 10 cities for April:

1. New York City
2. Los Angeles
3. Chicago
4. Houston
5. Atlanta
6. Philadelphia
7. Jacksonville, N.C.
8. San Diego
9. Columbus, Ohio
10. Dallas

My guess? Jacksonville made it because Camp Lejeune is within spitting distance. Lots of young guys rarin' to do what young guys do, and the ladies luuuuuv a man in uniform.

I have fond memories of Jacksonville. I used to live in Wilmington, and when a girlfriend came for a weekend visit we drove up to party with the Marines. She hooked up with a Marine who became her husband. A weekend of hot hotel sex led to marriage. They're still together. Go figure.

It's OK to say Happy Birthday to Me

2009-05-06T09:00:00.001-04:00

For many years, a friend of mine did the most delightful thing: She planned a week's worth of events to celebrate her birthday every year and dubbed the whole thing her "Fest" as in, [YOUR NAME HERE]fest.

She didn't depend on anyone else to remember her birthday amid busy schedules, and she gave her friends a reason to do something fun every night of the week -- at least part of the time on her tab.

I loved it. I have a hard time keeping track of my birthday and remembering my husband's birthday, let alone the birthdays of friends. So she helped me make sure I lived it up every year on her behalf.

Problem was, some other people didn't appreciate her celebration of self. They saw it as taking the attention away from others who had birthdays in the same month. They discouraged her from engaging in her fest.

She was confused -- for years, her friends had looked forward to her weeklong party. But she toned it down, so as not to cause more controversy. Then she stopped altogether.

And I still think, how sad. Can't we throw a little party for ourselves without incurring criticism?

Colleague stuck in junior high?

2009-05-04T08:00:00.000-04:00

In writing this post, I have to confess a guilty pleasure. I might be addicted to watching "Celebrity Apprentice" with Donald Trump. (When I admitted this to a group of colleagues, the reaction was a solid groan, so I'm a bit sensitive.)

The reason "Celebrity Apprentice" makes good fodder for We Can Relate can be explained in two words: Melissa Rivers. She, with the help of mom Joan, has made the show's "workplace" -- and I use that term loosely -- a veritable junior high school cafeteria. (Melissa has even described it that way, though she blamed the other players, of course.)

Melissa always was miserable when she was on the job because she thought everyone was out to get her -- she complained they were talking about her behind her back, excluding her from projects, disregarding her ideas. So everyone else was miserable when she was around.

Haven't you worked with someone like that before -- a colleague who made your job more work than it had to be?

It made me think of N., an amazing reporter and passionate writer who spent most of the time at the office complaining about our boss and, well, everyone she came in contact with. They all interfered with her ability to create the best stories she could -- edited too much, asked too many questions, demanded she make deadline, and on and on.

Truth was, N. was the one creating all the drama. But you couldn't tell her that. And you couldn't spend too much time entertaining her tales of woe, because then you couldn't get your own job done.

So you had to cut her off as diplomatically as possible, or avoid getting tangled in her grip of drama -- again, as diplomatically as possible.

But that would feed her claims of being persecuted, and you'd get caught up in a round of questioning about whether you were mad at her and what she had done to make you treat her so coldly.

N. still works at the same place, but the cast of characters has changed dramatically. So has her behavior and her attitude, from what I can gather. She's happy and productive.

Good thing her boss wasn't Donald Trump. He showed Melissa Rivers the door for such behavior.

Do you measure up to love?

2009-04-22T07:10:00.000-04:00

Want a little reality check on how you perform your relationship? Try this humbling little exercise.

Take this wedding-ceremony passage and replace the word "Love" with your name. (It's 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.) And though the words often are spoken during wedding ceremonies, the exercise can shed light on any relationship.

Let me show you:

[Alicia] is patient. [Alicia] is kind. [Alicia] does not envy, [Alicia] does not boast, [Alicia] is not proud. [Alicia] is not rude, [Alicia] is not self-seeking, [Alicia] is not easily angered, [Alicia] keeps no record of wrongs. [Alicia] does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. [Alicia] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

When I first did this exercise (thanks to writer Jill Rigby for suggesting it), I became more and more disheartened every time I inserted my name for "Love."

Patient? Sometimes. Ditto for kind. Easily angered? Far more often than I'd like to admit, and the same goes for "shows no record of wrongs." But I sure try hard on protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering -- to the point of annoyance to some of my friends and family.

After doing the exercise, do I feel like an adequate partner in any relationship? Not so much.

But I do have a good starting place for improvement.

Sick, tired and struggling

2009-04-20T07:39:00.002-04:00

With flu season winding down, and seasonal allergies just starting to muck things up, I have begun to contemplate the implications of "in sickness and in health."

And, with a husband knocked down by flu and/or food poisoning, a daughter wrestling with a head cold that defines "snot-nosed kid," and a son whose allergy-related coughs lead to gagging that results in heaves, I'm not sure I'm cut out for the "in sickness" part of marriage and family at the moment.

It could be because I'm a leave-me-alone-until-I'm-better kind of sick person, and no one else in my family is. Maybe it's that I still haven't caught up on my sleep after spending spring break week wedged in a double bed between two bunkmates younger than 5. (Heel to the neck at midnight, anyone?) Whatever the reason, I've found myself breathing deeply and counting to 10 quite a bit before responding to my sick family's requests (whines) and needs (demands).

The pitiful countdown:

10. Please, please, please don't say "Mommy" again for 15 minutes.

9. That goes for "Mama" and the two-syllable "Mom," too.

8. Oh, that my husband would miraculously rise from his sick bed well -- and ready to engage in tag-team parenting again.

7. Please.

6. Who needs a stair-stepper? I have a two-story house and three reasons to trudge up and down all day long.

5. Only eight (Or 10. Or 12.) hours till bedtime.

4. This, too, shall pass.

3. This, too, shall pass.

2. This, too, shall pass.

1. Eyes closed. Deep breath in. Eyes open. Deep breath out.

I vow to get through spring sickness. If only I could guarantee no one in my family will get a summer cold.

This dilemma is a sign of the times

2009-04-16T16:06:00.004-04:00

Double wallop: The boyfriend of a good friend of mine lost his job, then she lost hers. Both are now searching near and far for work.

He's got a strong lead in another state, but it's a government gig, so the process is moving slow. She's looking for jobs in that same city, but elsewhere as well.

Here's the rub: My friend and her man have only known each other for nine months. They agree that they want to make a go of the relationship, but the job thing could hamper their efforts.

I recently had dinner with her and another friend, and we discussed the situation. My other girlfriend was all about her hitching her wagon to the boyfriend. Where he goes, she should go too, whether she has a job or not, because they're really digging each other. I was in the camp of driving her wagon next to his, but not hitching hers to his. Maybe it's because I've been independent for so long, but I think she should be putting herself first right now. The best outcome would be if they found jobs in the same area. But if right gig for her came along someplace else and he was unwilling to move to be with her, so be it. Long-distance romance until the economy improves.

I used to believe in love at first sight, and "when you meet The One, you'll know right away" and all that, but time has made me feel differently. I'm still a romantic, but I also think that people -- subconsciously or not -- are on their best behavior the first 18 months or so of a relationship. They're still trying to impress each other and may be more willing to make compromises and sacrifices. But with time, some couples wind up wondering what they saw in each other in the first place.

I've seen too many women wind up in bad situations because they tied their entire lives to their man. I've seen too many men in unhappy relationships because they feel a sense of obligation and believe they "have" to stay. Give your heart to someone ... but don't forget to take care of yourself.

What say you, readers? Do you think my friend should go with her boyfriend even if she doesn't have a job? Or should she be all about finding the best job and situation for herself, even if it means they might not be together?

Men, would you rather play games or have sex?

2009-04-15T09:08:00.008-04:00

If you've ever felt you had to compete with your man's Wii for attention, take this as ammunition: A recent study shows that one in three men would rather play video games than have sex with their partner. The study, reported in the U.K. newspaper The Sun, was conducted by the site PS3pricecompare.co.uk and surveyed 1,130 British men. (How surprising: A study sponsored by a video game site says men prefer video games.)

According to Genie James, executive director of the Natural Hormone Institute, hormonal imbalance and stress may be to blame. "It is very likely that these men are suffering from a hormone imbalance at a cellular level that causes them to lose interest in sex," says James.

For example, when testosterone levels begin to decline in a man's 30s and 40s, libido -- or sex drive -- is compromised. Symptoms include fatigue, lethargy and weight gain. "That is why many men come home, plop down on the sofa and pick up the remote or engage in video games. They just don’t feel up to doing much else," James says.

Don't think you're safe, twentysomethings. "Typically, young men in their teens and 20s are sexually rambunctious but -- in the last several decades -- young men living in industrialized nations like America have shown reduced sperm count and quantity of ejaculate. Both of these evidence an early decline in testosterone levels," she says. Scientists attribute this trend to the high levels of foreign hormones, called xenohormones, that are found in many foods, including meat and milk, as well as in common inhalants such as fumicides and pesticides.

So, what's a guy to do? You may not want to hear this, but the most important thing is to exercise. "Exercise naturally boosts lagging testosterone levels," says James. "Also, clean up your diet. Go organic when possible to decrease exposure to xenohormones. Give up the nachos and beer while sitting on the sofa. Remember that all those pounds packed around your middle are literally decreasing your 'manliness.' "

5 ways to help recession-proof your relationship

2009-04-06T14:14:00.002-04:00

I get stuff sent to me all the time, but with the recession taking an emotional toll on marriages and relationships, I thought I'd pass on this advice from Noelle Nelson, author of "Your Man is Wonderful."

"We've seen the result in violent family tragedies across the country," says Nelson, "but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The heartbreak comes in many forms. One spouse blames the other spouse for their financial predicament. It's a constant blame game. ... People lose hope and leave the marriage either emotionally or physically."

Nelson's five rules to recession-proof your relationship:

1. See yourself as a team. The power of “together” is tremendous. A couple who sees themselves as a team will pool their talents and resources to mutual advantage, give strength to one another, and sustain hope.

2. Focus on each other's strengths and qualities. This is not the time to dwell on your own or your partner’s weaknesses. On the contrary, this is the time to empower each other by taking inventory of your strengths and qualities.

3. Express appreciation to one another -- resist the temptation to put down or criticize. Insecurity is rampant, not just in our external lives, but also internally. In times of crisis, we doubt our abilities, we question whether we have what it takes to pull through, we worry about how much worse things can get. Criticizing or putting down your partner just intensifies those fears, not only in them, but in yourself. Instead, let your partner know how much you appreciate them just as they are, and reassure them of your love. Express your gratitude often -- for however they contribute to the betterment of your lives -- whether it is helping out with the kids, putting in overtime, or sending out yet another resume.

4. Set goals you can work on together -- focus on problem-solving, not blaming. The only way there is light at the end of the tunnel is if you see it there. Brainstorm together to figure out what goals you seek, break those down into smaller goals and rough out a plan for getting there. Keep your sights constantly on “How do we resolve this?” not “You’ll never be able to do that.” Keep that precious “we” front and center, respect your partner's ideas and input as much as you do your own.

5. Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. The more crisis enters your life, the more difficult it is to sustain positivity and pro-activity. That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge and celebrate every small gain you achieve. Whether it’s figuring out a swap with the neighbor -- after school child care in return for computer lessons -- or making it through the next round of layoffs without losing your job, enthusiastically cheer every bit of progress.

"The economic crisis is not going to change overnight," says Nelson. "In an age of instant gratification, it's sometimes hard to be patient and remain strong and committed within a marriage during trying times. In the end, however, these ordeals can make a marriage stronger as partners truly commit to each other."

Co-workers spill about sex

2009-03-31T10:43:00.001-04:00

I was standing at the mirror, combing my hair and listening to a sex addict describe an "average" day in a radio interview. It was as stomach churning as you might expect, but then the interviewer said the addict's name. My hand froze in mid-air as I stared into my own shocked eyes.

Hey! I worked with that dude at my last newspaper! He was a sex addict? And he wrote a book about it?!

Not only did he write a book -- "America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life" -- but he's the third journalist I worked with at that paper to spill their sexual business so publicly.

The first was a real jaw-dropper: The book "Mozart in the Jungle: Sex Drugs, and Classical Music." The author worked at the paper less than a year and had been gone awhile when the book editor urgently called us over to her desk to see the galley proof that arrived, unannounced, in the mail. Yeah, we knew this chick was a little kooky, but we had no idea that her past included ... ahem, quoting Publishers Weekly:

"By age 16, the author of this alternately piquant and morose memoir was dealing marijuana, bedding her instructors at a performing arts high school and studying the oboe. Later, her blossoming career as a freelance musician in New York introduced her to a classical music demimonde of cocaine parties and group sex that had her wondering why she 'got hired for so many of my gigs in bed ...' "

Yeah. WOW. You never really know the people you work with, do you?

Then last year the paper's former movie critic penned "Accidentally on Purpose: A One-Night Stand, My Unplanned Parenthood, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made." The book title says it all. I danced with her "mistake" -- a beautiful infant boy at the time -- to "I Will Survive" at a wedding.

But if baring the raw truth that her child was the result of sex with some random bar dude wasn't enough, she continued True Confession Time with a Modern Love essay for the New York Times. Entitled "Sexy Ribbon on the Buyout Package," in it she spilled about an affair she had with a co-worker that began when they met over drinks to discuss buyouts.

E-mails, texts and phone calls blazed across the country between present and former co-workers, primarily because, even though she didn't name the reporter, the description left no doubt as to who he was. Under subject lines and comments such as "OMG!" "WTF?" "Oh no she didn't!" and "They did it in the back seat of his car! Nasty!!" were discussions about the timing (Had he already filed for divorce when it started? Wait, was she the reason he filed?) and her state of mind (What was she thinking? Was this revenge? Why?)

WHY?

I guess the easy answer would be "because they can." You could say that's what journalists do: inform readers by telling good stories. That these stories were their own might make them more compelling.

I suppose it's what Alicia and I do, on a much less dramatic note: we try to engage and entertain readers by writing about things we've experienced, and maybe inspire rumination and conversation along the way. Truth is that A) my name and picture are on this blog, B) I have to face blog-skimming co-workers every day, and C) at my core I'm a good Southern girl who doesn't want to shame her mama. I might push the boundaries a little -- broken condom fears, talking about my friend Trouble, and my friend Gabrielle's visit to an orgy, among others -- and I'm sure I'll push them even more. But will I tell all, like my former co-workers? Nah. I still believe in the allure of mystery.

Hold the compliments, mom

2009-03-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

It started innocently enough, and the comment I made was meant in the most innocuous way.

I was complimenting a co-worker's hairstyle, and she pulled the hair back from her forehead in frustration. (She did not like her 'do of the day, needless to say.)

Then I said it: "You have a beautiful widow's peak. You should draw attention to it."

And she replied: "That's what my mother always said."

She called me her mother -- which amounted to calling me my mother, who always offers this back-handed piece of advice to me: "You should keep your hair short. It always looks so nice when it's short."

Which means, from her view, that my hair never looks nice when it's not.

Why do we do that -- offer advice, innocently or not, when they person you're talking to hasn't asked for it? It happens all too often. Not so long ago, I stopped at the store for a few things and ran into a distant acquaintance who looked at my kids and asked if they were mine. I thought she wanted to make a little small talk. "He's getting a little far away from you," she said of my son -- as if I would let my 4-year-old explore the store on his own. And then she went on her way.

I didn't need that advice. And my friend at work didn't need my input on her hairstyle.

A very wise friend of mine has vowed not to give advice to friends and family, even if it's solicited. She'll listen to you intently. She'll ask how you how you're feeling or leaning. She'll offer support. But she won't give advice. It rarely works out well for her, she says.

Maybe she has the right approach.

'Tough Love' an easy sell

2009-03-27T13:34:00.009-04:00

I don't often recommend "reality" dating shows (I mean, I watch Bret Michaels' "Rock of Love," but I wouldn't tell any you to tune in), but VH1 is really on to something with its new series "Tough Love." So much so, I've found myself recommending it to friends, and I suggest you guys watch it, too.

The thing that makes this show stand out is that, like the book "He's Just Not That Into You," the male reaction is front and center. No matter what these chicks do, there's always a segment where the host, real-life matchmaker Steve Ward, lets them see what the men they interacted with really think, so they can learn from it. Hence the title.

It's funny and painful and a great idea. And it makes for entertaining and informative TV.

In the "Tough Love" boot camp, Steve works with ladies who represent archetypes of single women (here's the "cast" with Steve and his mom JoAnn in the middle; the duo runs Master Matchmakers in Philadelphia). There's the gold-digger, who will only date men with money and has never held a real job. There's the chick who likes to take on men with problems, so she can "fix" them. There's the former stripper with serious intimacy issues. There's the 25-year-old who has already planned her wedding and tells men on the first date that she wants to get married and have her first kid by age 29. There's Miss Picky, who wears a tiara and a wedding ring (because she's committed to herself -- no kidding) and has a loooooooong list of requirements for her perfect man. There's Miss Ball-Breaker, an aggressive, braggart of a woman who enjoys intimidating men. There's Miss Lone Ranger, a 38-year-old who's focused on her career for so long, she hasn't made time for a man. And then there's the "Fatal Attraction" chick who becomes way too attached, way too fast when she meets a suitable mate.

Like I said earlier, the best part is that the women get to find out what men think of them. In the first episode, they each had to stroll past three guys, and the guys told Steve what they thought of each woman. The women later got to see what the men said. Steve's point? Women are being judged by men all the time, everywhere they go, based on how they look. Also in that episode the women went to a mixer and later saw see footage of how they interacted with men and what the men thought of them. (One poor girl didn't make an impression on any of them -- they couldn't even remember who she was. Ouch.)

While these women are extreme, it's easy to see some of ourselves in them. While we might not pick our nose on the first date as the ball-breaker did, we might talk about our accomplishments a little too much in an effort to impress. And while we might not have a "tiara test" like Miss Picky, most of us probably have a mental checklist we consult as we try to decide if we want to see someone again.

Whether you're married or single, dating or taking a break, "Tough Love" is worth watching -- even better in a group, so you can discuss. New episodes air Sunday nights at 10 and repeat during the week.

Would you do a good deed?

2009-03-25T08:10:00.000-04:00

It's a particularly windy day in the chilly Midwest, and my best friend is driving me to lunch before we head to the airport for my flight home.

When we turn the corner onto one of the thoroughfares in her town, we see a trash can wobbling on its side in the middle of the street -- not necessarily in any car's path, but probably a wind gust away from it.

Cars zoom by in the opposite lane, but no one seems concerned enough to stop and remove the potential hazard.

What would you have done?

Doreen pulled her car over, ran into the middle of the street, and returned the can to the yard from whence it blew.

She didn't want anyone to get hurt, she said. Anyway, she added, good deeds have a way of coming back to you.

What would I have done?

I've come across many a crazy road hazard in the middle of Monroe Road on my way to work or on Randolph Road while taking my kids to school.

I've slowed down. I've swerved. But I've never stopped to move things from the road.

I'll move a branch from the sidewalk when I'm walking. I'll take someone's newspaper to their doorstep, too.

But would I, without a second thought, walk into the road to move something that I didn't leave behind? I don't know if it's fear of getting hurt or the desire not to be inconvenienced that keeps me from making that move.

Maybe I'm missing out on opportunities for good deeds to come back to me.

A place to share secrets

2009-03-24T10:25:00.004-04:00

Do you have a secret you're really itching to share, but don't have an outlet? Frank Warren has made it easy for you to unload -- and be creative in the process -- with his site, PostSecret.

Warren started the project four years ago by handing out blank postcards to strangers in Washington, D.C. He asked them to write a secret on the card and mail it back to him. He's had more than 300,000 cards returned. He post the cards on the site and publishes them in books. He also visits colleges to talk about secrets and young people; he has a sold-out appearance at UNC-Charlotte tonight (auxillary seating is available for 10 bucks).

"I think of the postcards almost more as works of art or literature," Warren said in an interview on WFAE this morning. (Go here to listen to an extended version.) "... I think if you look at enough of these you eventually find one from a stranger that articulates a secret or burden you're dealing with -- and when that happens, it can be an epiphany."

He shared one his favorites: a Starbucks barista sent in one of the company's ubiquitous cups scrawled with, "I serve decaf to customers who are rude to me." One that unnerved him was a postcard with a picture of New York City's former Twin Towers. The sender had written, "everyone who knew me before 9-11 believes I'm dead."

The idea that people might submit made-up secrets doesn't faze him. "You might think that you're writing down a secret that's fake," he said in the interview. "But perhaps you do that and you mail it to my home and I put it on the Web site and you look at it on the computer with thousands of other people and you might recognize for the first time that the whole process was a way for you to come out to yourself about any number of issues."

I visited the site and got an eyeful. Some of the postcards are playful ("If heaven is not EXACTLY like the TV show 'Lost,' I don't want to go!"), poignant ("Guys never stayed because I wouldn't have sex with them. So I did. And they still won't stay."), disconcerting ("tenure-worried professor ignore cheaters in hopes of 'teacher of the year' nominations from students"), and a little weird ("when my roommates aren't around, I look through their cameras and delete the pictures I look bad in"). But they're all insightful.

Guys in search of BFFs

2009-03-20T11:56:00.006-04:00

I will admit this is something I haven't given much thought: Men have trouble finding friends, too.

That's what the new comedy "I Love You, Man" is about. The main character is getting married and he realizes he's not close enough to any guy to ask him to be his best man. So he goes on the hunt for a new best friend. (My first thought was, "ask your best female friend to stand up for you instead," but then there would be no movie, right?) I saw the trailer and it did highlight some of the difficulties -- with the inevitable moment where the main character is out with a guy and the dude lays a kiss on him at the end of their "date" (whoops!) -- but the flick looks to be all fluff.

A more substantive discussion of the problem is the recent Salon.com essay by Ryan Blitstein, "Couple seeking couple for good time."

"Until recently, I thought of myself as different, especially when it came to maintaining friendships with other men," Ryan writes. "I am not afraid to ask a guy out on a so-called man-date. I don't need to use SportsCenter or an action movie or an indie rock show to overpower the supposed latent homoeroticism that some men attribute to one-on-one male socializing. I'm as comfortable talking about relationships with another dude as I am arguing about politics. But it seems the older I get, the harder it is to find new people to engage in these conversations."

His problem is a common one as more people move from state to state, often coast to coast, for jobs. Ryan relocated to Chicago to be closer to family and his girlfriend. The couple has plenty of friends, just none nearby. Neither has an office job, and they're having trouble building a new social circle.

"... My girlfriend and I have embarked on a process akin to a platonic version of dating. Parties, for us, resemble nothing so much as speed-dating events. We search for friends of either sex, sending garbled nonverbal signals back and forth, waiting to gush about our new same-sex and opposite-sex crushes on the train ride home. I search for wedding rings on the fingers of women I like -- not because I'm hoping they're single, but because I'm hoping they're not, and that maybe their husbands will be willing to double date."

Finding people you'd like to spend more than 5 minutes at a party with is a challenge. But knowing there are others out there, engaged in the same activity, is heartening.

When he hates your playlist

2009-03-18T15:00:00.004-04:00

Given that spring's almost here, I've thought about doing a little searching on iTunes so I can create a happy-song playlist for the sunny days ahead.

But then I thought about how I might not be able to play it while I was hanging out with my husband, who would no doubt be annoyed by at least some -- and perhaps many -- of the songs that would make the list.

Chief among them would be "Sadie" by Joanna Newsom, a harp-playing folk artist who kind of screeches more than she sings. But her words are poetry, and she sets a reasonable standard for singing ability for the pitch-challenged among us.

Then, he might be annoyed by my choices of -- yep, I'll fess up to them -- "Rush, Rush" by Paula Abdul. "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. "Get Low" by Flow Rida.

Are they cheesy songs? Oh yeah. But there's something about them that makes me happy -- the singing-in-the-car-at-the-top-of-my-lungs kind of happy. ("You're My Best Friend" by Queen, anyone?)

So we'll have to figure it out, I guess. After all, hearing Motorhead's "Killed by Death" makes my husband smile every time. Me, not so much.

So you fess up. Which songs on your playlist might annoy others?

Sleep through the recession? Tempting, but ...

2009-03-17T12:37:00.005-04:00

I had Friday off, which was unusual. As I prepared for bed Thursday night, I excitedly planned the next day. I'd go to yoga class. I'd visit IKEA. I'd clean my kitchen.

Instead, what I did was sleep. Almost the entire day. I only staggered from bed that night because I was hungry.

Some people clean like crazy when they're stressed. Others compulsively eat. I slide into deep sleep. It's the ultimate avoidance tactic -- you can't think about how bad life is if you're unconscious.

Have you ever slept for, like, 12-13 hours? The more you sleep, the more your body wants to sleep. When you finally get up, it's as if you've been drugged. Your head feels full of cotton and your body aches. There's guilt at having slept the day away, with nothing to show for it at the end. And then there's the ultimate problem: your life is still there, just as stressful as when you went to bed.

I think people who live alone have to be careful not to isolate themselves, especially now. It's so easy to turn your home into a cocoon and never leave it, but that "safety" can foster a sense of hopelessness and contribute to a spiral of depression. I know because I've been there, and I know how easy it is to go there again.

I had that sleepfest on Friday, but I pulled myself out of it on Saturday. By Sunday I was at the movies with a friend. We had dinner after, and a long talk. We discussed the very things I had slept to avoid. I told her about my fears, she shared hers. We plotted plans of attack on problems, instead of wallowing in them. I was still stressed after, but I also felt more empowered.

Avoidance and denial are temptations too hard to resist sometimes. I think the key is to not beat yourself up for giving in. Talk to friends, talk to family. Don't build that cocoon.

Things you 'allow' in a relationship

2009-03-16T06:45:00.000-04:00

My husband just returned from a weeklong cycling trip in Baja California -- an interesting way to celebrate his 40th year.

As I arranged my family's schedules to accommodate the trip -- a rare opportunity for him to explore a different region with a group of friends -- the reactions ranged from intrigued to "You're letting him do that?"

To which I thought, is that what it's about -- letting him take a trip?

If you know my husband, you'd know the concept of giving him orders or permission is laughable. He has admitted authority issues.

But, more than that, I'd like to hope that, petty though I can be at times, I wouldn't weigh the short-term challenges of being a single parent for seven days against the fun he might have. (Not that I won't take him up on his suggestion that I choose a destination of my own later this year ...)

And I'd like to have faith that he wouldn't do something that would leave his family in a bind. (However, it was a bit unsettling that he left for his trip to Mexico a day after the U.S. government issued a travel advisory for that country.)

Sure, I cursed him once or twice while he was away as I tried to fulfill the needs of two kids by myself. When he asked, I told him it was hard, but I didn't complain. I didn't want him to feel guilty about it.

Because, really, so what: I was without my partner for a week. My kids missed their father way more than any of us expected. I operated on very little sleep.

My husband had an experience of a lifetime -- I couldn't deny him that. Isn't that what a partnership's about?

Preach, Kelly, preach!

2009-03-13T12:38:00.003-04:00

"American Idol's" first winner, Kelly Clarkson, has had enough of a certain rumor about her.

"Just because I'm single and don't date a lot, that doesn't make me a lesbian," she pronounced.

I think it's a shame it's come to that -- she's a singer, and her sexual orientation has nothing to do with her ability -- but I'm happy Kelly is so outspoken. Should she have to talk about her dating life? No. But I'm glad she did.

Whether she wants to be or not, Kelly Clarkson is a role model. In a time where we have Rihanna going back to an abusive boyfriend and Paris Hilton going through men like Kleenex, it's heartening to see a young, successful woman who doesn't need a romantic relationship to define her.

Kelly also is representative of a societal shift: staying single longer, by choice. It's a decision that still makes you suspect. There must be something wrong with you if you're alone. You're ugly, or you're secretly gay, or you have Issues -- any of a number of reasons that would make you a dating leper. Many people still find it hard to believe that someone who is attractive and accomplished might choose to remain unattached.

Said one commenter on the story CharlotteObserver.com has about Clarkson: "I think society just has a problem with single people being just that. Single. It's not an affliction. I've had so many people say to me 'why don't YOU have a bf or a husband?' Didn't know I needed one? Men are good for two things in my mind, sex & buying things. Doesn't make me a lesbian. People just need to get over it and start minding their own business."

Well, until they do, it's a good thing someone prominent like Kelly is setting people straight.

So, do you like being a mom?

2009-03-11T08:00:00.006-04:00

It wasn't the question that threw me -- though it was a little personal, coming during a chat with a co-worker.

What bothered me was how long I hesitated before answering.

The question: "So, do you like being a mom?"

After an uncomfortable 20 or 30 seconds (that seemed like hours), the answer was -- and is -- yes. I think my kids are more magical than any other. I keep a journal of the funny and amazing things they do, because I know my memory of those moments will fail me as time passes. I tell way too many stories about them to people who care only tangentially (and listen politely).

But the answer also is this: I wasn't prepared for how hard it would prove to be both a parent and a person with her own identity; how exhausting it would be to have two little beings so completely dependent on me; how guilt-ridden I could become as I realized that trying to parent with a to-do list would only invite failure.

I told my co-worker that sometimes it was suffocating, but that it seemed to get more manageable every day -- most days.

It's probably been a year since that conversation. If asked the same question again, I don't think my answer would have a Part B -- again, not on most days.

And I wouldn't hesitate before saying yes.

But that I hesitated once -- the guilt of those seconds will stay with me for a long time.

Chris Brown, Rihanna illustrate bigger problem

2009-03-06T12:11:00.014-05:00

The Chris Brown-Rihanna saga has been all over the news and blogosphere, but as the co-writer of a blog about relationships, I feel I would be remiss if I didn't say something. Not only that, but I've been thinking about their situation -- and the bigger picture it illustrates -- so much that I feel I have to say something.

Parents: Teen domestic violence is real. And if it can happen to a beautiful, seemingly perfect, got-everything-in-the-world couple like Chris Brown and Rihanna, it can happen to your child. The U.S. Department of Justice says 20 percent of all high school girls report having experienced physical or sexual abuse from a dating partner, and one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship. And yet, a poll conducted by the National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative shows 81 percent of parents either believe teen dating violence is not an issue or are unsure if it is an issue.

Need more proof? Just yesterday, there was an anti-domestic violence march in uptown Charlotte in honor of an 18-year-old cheerleader gunned down by her ex-boyfriend, also 18, over the weekend.

Here are some stats about teen dating violence, warning signs and a dating bill of rights.

Unfortunately, and not completely surprisingly, it looks like Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together (no matter what age, it's common for victims to return to their abusers). It could be for publicity; it could be because they're young and in love in that way that only the young can love. Either way, they're now the faces of young domestic violence. What they choose to do with this nasty side effect of their personal crisis will be interesting to see.

Now THIS is a daddy issue

2009-03-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

File this one under "And I thought I had dating problems!"

Meghan McCain, the 24-year-old daughter of senator and former GOP presidential contender John McCain, says the '08 election ruined her personal life.

"Of all the things people warned would happen post-election, no one ever said anything about how complicated dating would become," Meghan wrote in a recent essay, "Looking for Mr. Far Right." It it, she explains the unique dating difficulties that come with being the offspring of the prominent Republican. Meghan says she makes a point of keeping politics out of her relationships, and while she's been successful in her friendships, there's not much success on the dating front.

"Here's the biggest surprise: I am not only turned off by people who voted for Barack Obama, but I am also turned off by people that voted for my dad — or more so, obsessive supporters of my dad," Meghan wrote.

"... Nothing makes me more ill than the idea of some guy bragging to his friends that he was going to go on a date with 'John McCain’s daughter.' (Unfortunately this has happened more times than I would like to count and each time I can sense it within the first 30 seconds of meeting them.) One extreme fan of my mother’s recently told me I could be “his Cindy.” And then asked me if I ever wore pearls because they probably would look as good on me as they do on my mother. No, I'm not kidding."

Kin-ky.

Meghan says she didn't date at all while on the campaign trail with her dad ("too paranoid about getting set up for some sort of weird 'gotcha' moment") and has spent a lot of time hanging out with girlfriends since. Earnest guys who've felt the need to explain why they voted for Obama, or McCain fans who've worked "maverick" and "straight talk" into dinner conversations have left her cold.

"I am sure I am not being fair to all the men out there, but my recent experiences have left me scarred and wary of dating. At this point, my biggest aphrodisiac is an apathetic attitude toward politics."

Wow. Enamoured policy wonks need not apply.

Your boss did what?

2009-03-04T09:15:00.003-05:00

The scene: My first day on the job. As I stand at the copy machine trying to figure out which button did what, my new boss -- whom I had just met because she was on maternity leave when I interviewed -- sidles up and asks this question:

"I'm a perfect model size 8. What size are you?"

I stared. What?

This exchange set the tone for what was three years of workplace purgatory -- she told inappropriate personal stories while her employees squirmed in their seats; made arbitrary and capricious rulings about the focus and play of stories, often reversing decisions she had made just hours earlier; caused many people to work well into the night (we were a 9-to-6 operation) because of her lack of organization.

And she took any hint of criticism -- however diplomatic or constructive -- very badly. So you couldn't talk with her about any of it. My coworkers and I tried.

So, though the money was good, the opportunities the job offered fascinating and my other coworkers wonderful, I handled the situation this way: I found another job.

Was there a way to salvage the situation? Maybe. But I wasn't in a place to figure out this particular workplace relationship.

What would you have done?

What's wrong with these roses?

2009-03-02T07:00:00.005-05:00

Ladies, a man sends you a dozen roses by way of introduction -- and in hopes of getting you to agree to a date. You:

A. Rejoice. Romance is alive and well! You call to thank him for the gift, you chat a little bit and you schedule that date. He just might be a keeper.

B. Read the note, which goes a little something like this -- "Having enjoyed meeting you, please accept these roses as an invitation to dinner" -- and you think, "Weird. Why didn't he just ask me when he saw me?" Your answer to his invitation: thanks for the flowers, but no thanks to the invite. Let's be friends.

C. Don't respond. What in the world is this guy doing sending me flowers, and, if he's so interested, why do I have to call him to set up a date? Stalker alert: Let the red flags wave.

For one Relate reader, the answer has been a version of C, every time. Seems he keeps sending a dozen roses to women he has met casually, but they never acknowledge their receipt, let alone the dinner invitation -- even if he sees them again.

By way of background, this reader was married for 12 years and says he took a few years off from dating before re-entering the scene. Then he started sending the roses. To four women, to be exact.

Not one date resulted. He says not one woman told him she had received the flowers.

He's frustrated. He says of the women he's encountered on the dating scene: "They claim to want a man who is stable, comfortable, who can provide the security that is needed in a relationship, but yet you watch the type/style these women date and it makes you wonder which side of the mind are they thinking with. For me, I look at the woman's inner beauty, who she is inside, what makes her tick."

So, readers, what should he do?

A reason to celebrate tonight

2009-02-28T12:05:00.009-05:00

It's not easy to find a bright light in all the doom and gloom we're experiencing, but if you have a special bottle of wine (or other beverage) you've been saving for the right occasion, tonight is the time to open it.

The Wall Street Journal's husband-and-wife wine team of Dorothy J. Gaiter and John Brecher are hosting the 10th annual Open That Bottle of Wine Night tonight (hear their interview with "Fresh Air's" Terry Gross here). The duo started the celebration because the most common question
they get from readers is when they should open a special bottle of wine. Wait too long, for example, and the wine could go bad.

"You should worry less about what is the perfect moment for the wine than what is the perfect moment for you," the couple wrote in their "Tastings" column. (They encourage readers to send their stories of how they spend the evening.)

This reminds me of the movie "Sideways." The main character, played by Paul Giamatti, was saving an expensive bottle of wine for just the right moment, but it never seemed to come. In the end, he realized the futility of his wait and took the bottle to a hamburger joint, to enjoy it with a juicy burger.

I've got my bottle ready. It's a very cheap wine, but it's my favorite, and I don't find it often. I was saving it for "later," but why not savor it now?

A reader asks: What happened to casual dating?

2009-02-27T07:40:00.000-05:00

Alicia: Today, we pose a question: If the object of your attraction states at the first date that he/she isn't interested in a commitment, do you stick around? We ask because a reader wonders:

"What about women wanting a commitment when men state from the start they do not want one? Usually men and women do want to date, but want to casually -- this does not always mean that sex is involved. I’ve noticed it’s more prevalent in these parts that if you want to casually date, and say that at the beginning, women are up for it at first, but after three dates or so they are pressing you for some sort of commitment. What about keeping your options open? Men and women, at least this gives us something to compare, and to see who's personality or vibe is a better fit. I do think it would have both sexes thinking and looking more inward."

Deirdre: It's been said that people tell you exactly who they are when you first meet them. It's just a matter of if you choose to hear them or not. I think in a lot of cases, people turn a deaf ear to news that the person they want a relationship with is not interested in a relationship with anyone.

Alicia: Someone who says "no commitment" at the outset is closing off possibilities that haven't even opened up. Doesn't seem like someone I'd want to hang with romantically or otherwise.

Deirdre: I don't know. I think I might. I'm not looking for a relationship either, and it would be fun and freeing to hang out with someone with no strings attached. But what if I become attached?

Alicia: That's always the danger, isn't it? And isn't someone who says he's not looking for a commitment at the outset daring you not to care? I'd be headed for a lot of hurt.

Deirdre: And how many people have we known who have dated a commitmentphobe thinking that person would change their mind?

Alicia: I know I've broken up with a few ...

Deirdre: And the reader's point about why we have to make a decision after the third date -- I say: not everyone does. But the majority of women in America do want to partner up and have kids. The clocking is ticking on their eggs. Also, in general people's time is limited. They often date with a purpose now.

Alicia: That's true. Do you agree with his opinion that the expectations seem to be higher in our area than in others? I've found that it doesn't matter where you live, more people in the dating way want commitment than don't. Or maybe it's just the people I know.

Deirdre: Like a friend of mine recently said: "Women in different regions are just different kinds of crazy." That goes for men, too. It just seems hard where you are because that's where you are.

Alicia: Geographically and emotionally.

Deirdre: Also, the reader's mention of sex -- is it even possible to make it to the third date without at least a trip to third base? When I say I'd rather not kiss on the first date, people look at me like I'm a nun. There's an assumption of physical intimacy these days that makes a person suspect if they enjoy someone's company without swapping bodily fluids.

Alicia: And that's a whole other level of entanglement.

Deirdre: So, yeah, for a lot of people plenty is riding on those early dates. If it was ever a "casual" pastime, it certainly isn't now.

What you can buy at a 'slumber' party

2009-02-25T08:15:00.001-05:00

Before my friend and her husband decided to get serious about starting a family, she held a little "slumber party" at her house.

Slumber party, of course, being a euphemism for the Tupperware-Party-like extravaganza at which women could sip some wine and buy, umm, adult toys for intimate purposes.

But the more interesting party -- really -- was on the other side of town, where the men attached to the partygoers held an anti-event. They grilled pounds of red meat, drank a few beers ... and fretted about what the women would bring home after the slumber party.

In fact, there was a list of things the men did not want to see (but we don't need to go into here), and many beers were drunk as they worried about the expectations their women might have.

Which amused the women. If the men didn't want to receive gifts from WAY out in left field, they had little to worry about. One of the attendees badgered most of the partygoers into sharing their purchases with the group. Some lingerie, some massage oils, but nothing too racy. (Not all of the women shared the contents of their brown paper bags, though ...)

But the guys' concern also left us women at a bit of a loss. Isn't a gift bag from a "slumber party" a dream come true?

Wrong author, but right message

2009-02-24T15:51:00.001-05:00

A close friend forwarded the following to me, under the title "Maya Angelou's Best Poem Ever." I did a quick search and found out that while it's often attributed to Angelou, a woman named Pamela Redmond Satran actually penned it for Glamour magazine more than a decade ago.

However, time and incorrect attribution don't dim the message of the piece, which I pass on to my fellow womenfolk.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams, wants to see her in an hour.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... one friend who always makes her laugh ... and one who lets her cry.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend, without ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder ... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ... what she can and can't accomplish in a day ... a month ... and a year.

What you get from a relationship

2009-02-23T07:00:00.001-05:00

One of my most interesting friends dropped me a line last week.

We talked for more than an hour about nearly everything -- from our lives to our philosophies to our next steps. She's always up to something new and unusual -- learning a language, reading an interesting book, connecting with mutual friends we haven't seen in a while.

It had been some time since we last had chatted. With her, though, it's always as if I'd seen her yesterday. She has one of those ebullient, charismatic personalities: She's the flame, you're the moth. We always have such fun conversations. And we always make plans to see each other -- plans that just never seem to happen.

She's my quick-fix friendship. I hope I always know her. After we talk, her enthusiasm buoys me for days. But I'll never count on her to make good on our plans, to show up for a gathering, to send me the name of that fascinating article she insists I have to read. But I'll love her forever, and will always look forward to our next connection, however fleeting it is.

She's an interesting contrast to my most important friend -- a woman I've known since high school and someone I can always count on to show up no matter how long it's been since we last spoke.

My always-there friend and I catch up infrequently. Our conversations, spoken or written via e-mail, are short. We laugh and we cry together, and we're equally comfortable doing both.

We see each other not as often as we'd like. But our connection is always deep, our sadness at having to part is always heartfelt, and our efforts to get together always turn out.

These women have taught me about the give-and-take of friendships, about how high --or low -- to set your expectations. And to rejoice in what is offered.

That's been an important lesson.

Girls: Why don't you call back?

2009-02-20T13:02:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about how a guy asked for my number (we were at a club) and he hasn't called. I asked readers -- in particular, male readers -- what would make them ask for contact info and then not use it. Several guys turned the question back on me in the comments. Here's a great example:

"I completely understand your frustration, however as a guy I have had the same thing happen. You meet a girl at a bar/club have a good time and you both seem interested in another meeting, the girl gives you her number you call, and she doesn't answer or call back. I would rather her just say she's not interested and that would save us both time. I think that a lot of women are afraid to say no in person and it's easier to ignore a phone call."

I could not agree more -- just (tactfully) say you're not interested! That would be so refreshing. But I think our first response is to say something that will either avoid confrontation or spare feelings.

Ladies, it's your turn. A guy asks for your number. Do you give him a fake one? If it's real, do you give it knowing that you won't answer when he calls? Or do you give your number with every intention of talking to him ... but then wake up the next day and think better of it? Also: any chicks out there who pull a preemptive strike and ask for the guy's number first?

Guys: Why ask if you're not gonna call?

2009-02-19T11:34:00.006-05:00

I was at a club with friends Sunday night when I met a man. We chatted, we danced, and as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number.

That was Sunday. Now it's Thursday. I haven't heard from him.

This is where opinion breaks down between the sexes. I'm sure there are plenty of men thinking, "Give the guy a break. It's only Thursday." I'm equally sure there are plenty of women thinking, "You gave him your number on Sunday? Girl, he is so not calling." Either way, I'm not holding my breath for a phone call.

Ladies, how many times have you given your phone number and never heard from the guy again? You're probably like me: not heartbroken, just curious as hell. Why ask for the digits if you're not going to use them?

Men, here's your chance to set the record straight. If you've ever asked for a woman's contact info and then never used it, tell us why. Did you lose it? Did you wake up the next morning and think back on how dark it was in the club, and maybe she wasn't as cute as you thought she was? Did you decide you'd rather not be bothered? Did you get back with your ex? Or do you like to ask for a chick's number, just to see if you can get it?

Come on, guys. Solve one of dating's enduring mysteries!

Friends, 18 years in the making

2009-02-16T07:30:00.001-05:00

It took nearly 18 years of knowing each other, but my sister-in-law and I have finally formed a friendship.

More than that, I'd say Deana has been a primary lifeline for me these past two years -- getting used to juggling two children, deciding to spend most of my time at home with them, and acclimating to a new city in the midst of all the other changes.

We talk several times a week (sometimes several times a day) to share hilarious -- and not so funny -- kid stories (and maybe a husband tale or two). We blow off steam about the fleeting annoyances in our lives. We celebrate victories as we figure out how best to be a professional woman and a mom and a wife at the same time.

Why did it take so long?

I can't exactly say why. We had always gotten along when we saw each other, and we talked occasionally over the years outside of the family get-togethers. But Deana reached out a little after my oldest child was born, and I was determined to keep in touch with her with regularity.

I guess it comes down to this: We had never really stopped long enough in our busy lives to realize how much we like each other, and how much we could support each other.

And here we are, two years later, sharing a blessing of a relationship that allows us to get a window into the daily lives of our nieces and nephews, though they live many, many states away.

She gives me the reality check I need when craziness is swirling around me.

Best of all, she makes me laugh, and everyone needs a friend like that.

Your love life in six words?

2009-02-12T12:42:00.009-05:00

Who knew so much could be said in six words? In honor of Valentine's Day, NPR's "Talk of the Nation" did a great segment on Smith Magazine's new book, "Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak." The book has hundreds of mini-memoirs from famous and regular folks. (Examples: "Don't trust a man who waxes"; "Tried men. Tried women. Like cats"; and "She got Hodgkins lymphoma. I bailed," which is brutal.) People called and e-mailed in to the show to share theirs; some of my favorites: "Beth filled gaps. My wife disagreed." "College boys are really, really awful." "Should have considered nose-hair trimmer."

I then asked a few people to describe their love lives, with cool results:

My Relate co-writer, Alicia: Getting better despite having two kids.

A single male co-worker: My ex scares away cute girls.

A married male co-worker: It's my anniversary. Try me later. (He's an inveterate smart-ass.)

A pal who's a single mom: I wish I had more sex.

And here's mine: High-strung but low-maintenance. Interested?

Get in on the memoir action! Describe your love life in six words.

Addendum: One of my best friends sent hers and I had to add it, because it's pure poetry: "She teetered between desire and disappointment."

Doo-dooter, and other terms of endearment

2009-02-11T07:00:00.005-05:00

When you've been around someone long enough you start to develop a series of code words, shorthand and inside jokes that can even outlast the relationship.

My friend Alisa and her college boyfriend called the television remote the doo-dooter. Boyfriend's long gone, but my husband and I never call that thing a remote.

When a kitchen counter or dishtowel might have been contaminated with raw chicken (or some other icky foodstuff), we say it has chickenosis, thanks to our friends Eric and Joletta.

We also have:

Funkatosis: An offshoot of chickenosis. Used to describe anything smelly. If that smell resulted from gastrointestinal distress, the culprit is said to have Foggy Bottom, a holdover from when we lived in D.C., where one of the Metro stops was Foggy Bottom.

Crouch: Popularly spelled, and pronounced, crotch. But my husband's mother mispronounced it once, so "crotch" is no longer part of our vocabulary.

F.P.: Short for "freakin' problem." As in, "What's your F.P.?" Used in particularly exasperating situations, like when your beloved won't give you the doo-dooter.

W.E.: Short for "whatever," also courtesy of Eric and Joletta. Used when you don't want to waste breath or effort on an argument.

Those are part of my relationship lexicon.

What's on your list?

A little love knowledge

2009-02-10T14:10:00.004-05:00

Opinions abound as to who was the original Valentine; the most popular theory is that he was a clergyman who was executed for secretly marrying couples in ancient Rome (going against the orders of Emperor Claudius II, who thought marriage weakened his soldiers). In any event, in A.D. 496, Pope Gelasius I declared Feb. 14 as Valentine Day, and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. Esther Howland, a Massachusetts native, is given credit for selling the first mass-produced valentine cards in the 1840s. Here's a quick quiz, courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau, which seems to track everything:

1. What’s the average length of first marriages that end in divorce?
A. 3 years
B. 8 years
C. 18 months
D. 5 years

2. How many dating service establishments are there nationwide? Include Internet dating services.
A. 85
B. 904
C. 300
D. 1374

3. How many marriages took place in 2007?
A. 800,000
B. 5 million
C. 1 million
D. 2.2 million

4. What state ranked the most in marriages that year?
A. California
B. Nevada
C. Texas
D. Massachusetts

5. What was the per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2007?
A. 11 pounds
B. 57 pounds
C. 24.5 pounds
D. 104 pounds

And just so you know ...

-- Fifty-seven percent of American women and 60 percent of men age 18 or older are married. (That includes people who are separated).

-- The median time between divorce and a second marriage is 3 1/2 years.

Romantic-sounding places to spend Valentine's Day:
Roseville, Calif.
South Heart, N.D.
Darling township, Minn.
Lovejoy, Ga.
Valentine, Neb.
Loveland, Okla.
Romeoville, Ill.
Loving, N.M.
Romeo, Mich.
Love Valley, N.C.

QUIZ ANSWERS

1. B, 8 years. Maybe there is something to that "seven-year itch."
2. B, 904. So why are so many people still single?
3. D, 2.2 million. That breaks down to a little more than 6,000 a day.
4. A, California. Although so many couples tie the knot in Nevada that it ranked fifth nationally, even though its total population that year among states was 35th.
5. C, 24.5 pounds. No word on how many dentist appointments that adds up to.

What you remember, what you don't

2009-02-09T07:30:00.002-05:00

While her husband was out of town last weekend, my sister and her two children stayed at my mom's for a few days.

It gave my sister a few days of help and relief from playing single parent, and it gave my niece ample opportunities for playing "hairdresser" with two grownup women.

Which led to my mother brushing my sister's hair for the first time in several decades.

Which led to my sister remarking how nice it was that Mom wasn't rapping her atop the head with the brush because she wasn't sitting still.

They both cracked up laughing, as I did when my sister told me the story. Mom was a little stressed back then, and she didn't always have patience for a wiggling kid.

But I also was a little surprised that I hadn't remembered Mom doing that.

Isn't funny what you remember of your childhood, and which memories you leave behind?

I remember dancing and singing all the words to the Beatles' "Hello, Goodbye" with my siblings -- so much so, I gave them copies of a Beatles compilation a few years ago.

They didn't have that happy memory at all.

My brother is convinced I was the one to wrap him up with the ribbon from a broken cassette tape and smear his face with peanut butter, even though my sister has explained she and her friend Kelly did it. I was the one telling them to stop.

And my sister remembers the hairbrush.

A few weeks ago, someone asked me what I recalled of how my parents punished us when we acted up.

I couldn't remember a thing to mention. I know there had to be something -- my mother could stop us in our tracks with a look when we were kids.

My sister reminded me of a few things when I asked her the same question.

But I guess I have left those memories in the past.

When he says, 'I won't lie'

2009-02-06T08:54:00.001-05:00

Alicia: So, D, which red flags start waving when a guy begins a conversation like this: "I won't lie to you"? A reader writes that she has an ex who always responds like that -- as if he's doing her a favor. Or trying to sell her something. And as if him saying it wasn't annoying enough, her kids have started saying it, too. It's like she spends her days surrounded by sleazy used car salesmen.

Deirdre: I know she wants to punch her ex in the mouth every time he says it, too. To me, "I won't lie to you" falls under the same category as "no offense, but ...": no matter what comes next, you're not gonna like it.

Alicia: Absolutely. And my thought is that you shouldn't have to announce that you're not going to lie. It means that you are going to lie, and you can't be trusted in general.

Deirdre: Or that maybe you're not lying this time, which isn't much better.

Alicia: So is there anything to be done with this guy (except for having the reader anonymously send him this link)? I bet he can't be reasoned with, given his ex status.

Deirdre: And if he's evil, he might use it just because he knows it bugs her. But she can do something about her kids. She can talk to them about it and tell them that the phrase is useless. Just as they've learned to use it, they can unlearn it.

Alicia: Hope she can convince them. And while she's at it, maybe she can warn them off some other conversation-ending phrases, "I don't know about you, but ..." "Like I always say ..." What else?

Deirdre: "I don't mean to be rude, but ..." and then they proceed to be rude! Or, "I know it's none of my business ..." and then they get all in your business!

Alicia: "Don't take my word for it, but ..." means I have no clue, but I'm going act like it, nonetheless.

Deirdre: If I shouldn't take your word for it, why are you saying it, then? I think these phrases have become so ingrained in conversation that people either A) don't even realize they're using them, or B) think they can say anything by using such a phrase first, as if that'll make it OK. Except it doesn't.

Alicia: Right. If you're going to say something that might make someone uncomfortable, take ownership of it or don't say it at all.

Deirdre: Words to live by, sister!

Women, spend some time with 'Money'

2009-02-05T11:47:00.005-05:00

Ladies, if you haven't already had a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself about money in this recession, now's the time. And Liz Perle's "Money, A Memoir: Women, Emotions, and Cash" is just the book to start the conversation. I've been recommending it to friends and co-workers, and now I want to suggest it to you as well.

Let me tell you up front that this is not easy reading. After the prologue I had to put the book down for a day or two, to steel myself for what was to come. This paragraph is partially what did it:

"Long ago, and not entirely consciously, I made a quiet contract with cash. I would do what it took to get it -- work hard, marry right -- but I didn't want to have to think about it. I simply wanted to know I would be financially secure. This intentional avoidance eventually exacted its price. In the service of sidestepping, whenever possible, my anxious feelings (if not my facts) about money, I've signed over a lot of power to anyone or anything that promised to make me feel financially safe -- no matter what the consequences. I've left my emotions about money -- the fears and ambivalences -- largely unexamined. I've avoided facing my contradictory feelings about the whole subject, such as the fact that I want to have my own money with the independence it gives, while simultaneously hoping someone or something will step up to the plate and take care of me. I've invited these highly emotional and unstable sets of feelings into every relationship I've had, and they have silently accompanied and influenced each one -- with my father, my work, my friends, my bosses, and my husbands. (there have been two -- oddly, both named Steve.)"

Any of that sound familiar? I thought so. And that's just in the prologue. It came soon after Liz talked about how her husband decided he didn't want to be married any more ... and they'd already sold their apartment in New York and had all their belongings steaming across the ocean to join them in Singapore, where they moved for his job. Liz's husband told her to go back to the States and take their 4-year-old son with her. He gave her $1,500. And that was it.

Most women's financial problems aren't as dramatic as that, and Liz interviewed plenty of them for the book. Trust me, as messed up as you think your situation is, there are chicks in the book who will make you feel better about it. Women who get into credit card debt because they buy pretty things to make themselves feel better. Women who are the breadwinners in their family, and they resent their husbands because of it (and the husbands resent them right back). Women who steal cash from their husband's wallets to squirrel away, "just in case." Women who've grown up thinking they'll "marry well," and that's their career plan.

But there's also examples of women who have their lives together, and input from financial experts and sociologists and psychologists who offer explanations of our behavior and some guidance. And throughout, author Liz tells her own story, and shares how she overcame her own manias and misconceptions. Women, no matter where you are in your life, "Money, a Memoir" will open your eyes to your own financial foibles. Oh, and it's available for free at the library. :o)

Love being a family, but ...

2009-02-04T08:15:00.000-05:00

Friday night is date night for me and my husband.

We decided a few months ago, when my work schedule changed and we needed our babysitter less often during the week, that we'd hire her to give us a regular break from "family" and a chance to once again be just "couple."

It has been amazing.

We escape only for about two hours every week (by Friday night, we're both too tired for major partying), but we've taken the opportunity to try new restaurants. Ones that generally do not serve chicken fingers and fries.

We've also visited our favorite restaurant (we're both Vietnamese cuisine freaks) often enough that the servers recognize us and, most times, can guess our drink order -- something that was status quo before children.

We spend most of our time (on a good night, all of our time), talking about something other than children. A wish list of vacation destinations. Career goals (and, in today's environment, worries). The books/magazines we're reading.

After all, it's one night a week to reacquaint each other with the individual adults that are part of our family.

It's a chance to remember why we got married, and why we stay married.

Worth a few hours of babysitting fees a week, don't you think?

The sad side of social networking

2009-02-03T07:00:00.002-05:00

Facebook was fun.

Though I haven't been the most devoted of posters, in the span of a few weeks, I was able to:

-- Get instant access to photos of my niece and nephews in Indianapolis, a blessing since we see them only once or twice a year.

-- Reconnect with an old co-worker from my D.C. days, who told me he's now married to his longtime girlfriend (though, back then, they said they never would take that step), he had to bid farewell to two of the greatest cats to walk the planet, and he heard some juicy tidbits about a former colleague who seems not to have tempered her crazy dating ways.

-- Track down a friend from junior/senior high who honestly looks like she hasn't aged a bit, and one of my college roommates, who's married with kids now, too.

But tracking down Patty from college is also how I found out about Maureen, a girl I lived with my senior year at the University of Dayton.

That's when Facebook stopped being quite so much fun.

Maureen and I didn't have much in common except for Patty -- and a shared living space, of course. She was a year behind me, and we got along fine. We just didn't click, and so didn't keep in touch after I graduated.

But Maureen was always there for you with an offer of help. She told jokes all the time, and she was always happy-go-lucky when you needed a laugh.

While responding to Patty's message last week, I followed a link to something called Mission4Maureen.

I found out that Maureen died about four years ago after a long battle with brain cancer.

She was only 34. She left behind a husband, three children, and family and friends who still grieve over her loss.

Mission4Maureen is the charity her family started to help others diagnosed with brain cancer pay for medical treatment. It was one of her wishes, fitting for someone who cared so much about others.

Farewell, Maureen. I regret I had to learn about your battle this way.

Passing the, um, scream test?

2009-02-02T12:11:00.007-05:00

The friend I refer to as Gabrielle, aka "the club kitten," called last night after the Super Bowl to commiserate (we both rooted for the Cardinals) and to share a dating story.

At the all-girl Super Bowl party Gabrielle attended, talk turned to dating during halftime. One of the stories involved a mutual female friend. It seems that when this woman is on a first date, she imagines screaming her date's name during sex. If the name doesn't just flow off the tongue, her interest dims. It's not a deal-breaker, per se, but it doesn't help the date's chances if they have a multisyllabatic moniker.

Gabrielle was floored. She couldn't believe such an assessment was used on a first date. It's rather shallow, no?

Also, "you should see this girl," Gabrielle said. "She is so mousy. To look at her, you wouldn't think she would even scream during sex, and then to imagine her screaming out someone's name?"

The girls at the party saw the look on Gabrielle's face and burst out laughing. Then they started yelling her name in a faux orgasmic frenzy.

The sad/funny/weird thing? After telling me that story, Gabrielle said that she'll probably imagine herself screaming out her next date's name. And now I will, too!

How the 'other half' suffers

2009-01-29T12:04:00.006-05:00

When I first read this, I thought it was a joke.

"Dating a Banker Anonymous

Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists – and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships. DABA Girls was started by two best friends whose relationships tanked with the economy. Not knowing what else to do, we did what frustrated but articulate girls have done since the beginning of time - we started a blog. So if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life, lighten your heart with laughter and email your stories to dabagirls@gmail.com. Warning all stories sent will be infused with our own special brand of DABA Girl humor."

It's true, ya'll! It's the intro of a real blog. The group merited a story in the New York Times, which you should read, because it's fascinating, from a sociology point of view.

Confession time: While I try not to be judgmental, the story and the blog -- even just the intro -- repulsed me. "Boo effin' hoo," I thought. "People are being kicked out of their homes and you're pouting because you have to get facials every six weeks instead of every month?!" Um, some time has passed and I'm still repulsed, frankly. But I'm trying to be understanding, especially since this is a banking town and there're probably lots of women who can relate to the chicks on the blog.

Americans have different standards of living. Some folks are struggling just to stay in their homes, some are simply cutting back on dining out and downgrading from digital to basic cable, others have to cancel that monthlong trip to Europe. This just goes to show that the recession really is hitting everyone.

Converted by tales of yearning

2009-01-28T09:26:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, I was a snob about what I read. No mass-market fiction, unless coerced by someone important to me, or unless I was sitting on the beach with a little chick-lit.

In my free time, I read literature. Period. (And the newspaper, of course.)

Friends had recommended romance novels, and I would smile, make a supposedly interested comment and change the conversation. (I even edited -- and enjoyed reading -- a thrice-weekly column about romance novels. But I wouldn't crack a book.)

That was once upon a time. I realized, a few months back, that what I thought was a shogun-era Japanese adventure series called "Tales of the Otori" was really a shogun-era Japanese bodice-ripper full of phrases like "he yearned for her warmth" and "he felt his sex tingle."

There were sex scenes. Love triangles. Romantic hurdles of epic proportions, leading to tearing of hair and renting of garments.

And I really mean epic. There are three books in the original series, plus a prequel. I reserved them all, with relish, at the library. I read them in a span of two weeks -- even though, after book two, I could no longer justify it by calling the author a modern-day J.R.R. Tolkien. (She is not.)

When I realized what I was doing, at first I felt a little dirty. And then I started to wonder about what was so appealing about the stories. And I think it's this: A really good romance novelist, like any good writer, can tell a simple story of boy meets girl, or vice versa, and they fall in love -- and take you into their world so completely that you get lost. You become enthralled.

I did. And for a few hours, I wasn't worried about the economy or my job or cleaning the house.

I just enjoyed following the path Takeo and Kaede traveled toward their destiny. (And I suppose I learned a bit about Japanese culture and history.)

Am I ready to start reading Janet Evanovich and Nora Roberts and J.D. Robb? Hmmm. Maybe someone can convince me I should.

Guys: Does it matter what women wear?

2009-01-27T13:29:00.018-05:00

Fellas, I need you to weigh in on this one.

New Year's Eve I went to a party with a girlfriend. It was one of those big events where there's hundreds of people milling around, drinking, dancing and yelling at each other over the music. We ran into one of our coworkers from another department. He was with a group of welcoming, fun people, so we hung out with them for awhile.

After a few more drinks our coworker looked at us and announced that we were dressed all wrong for the party. (Truth be told, it did seem that the uniform for the night was strapless cocktail dress, and we didn't get the memo.) He told my friend that she was dressed like a grandmother. She had on black velvet pants and a cute, '50s inspired black short-sleeved sweater. Then he told me to look at myself -- I was covered from head to toe. I had on wide-legged black pants and a black blouse that was gauzy, but, indeed, long-sleeved.

Our coworker looked sincerely confused. He said we were both sexy women. He said he'd seen us in more enticing outfits at work than the ones we had on at the party. Basically, he wanted to know why were were hiding our light under a bushel.

We weren't offended by his comments; he'd had a lot to drink and even though his remarks were blunt, he obviously wasn't trying to be hurtful. My friend and I are NYE party veterans, and were going for classy comfort when we chose our outfits.

But we discussed his comments after he'd gone off to dance with his date. My friend argued that a man shouldn't be attracted to her just because she was wearing a revealing outfit; he should be attracted to the person she is as well. I agreed that women shouldn't feel like they had to dress borderline hoochie to get male attention, but added that there's nothing wrong with accentuating one's natural assets.

Guys, this is where you come in. Do you find yourself more likely to approach a woman if she's dressed provocatively, or if she's in jeans and a T-shirt? Or does it not matter what she's wearing?

Keeping it mum with mom and dad

2009-01-26T06:15:00.001-05:00

So it's a month past Christmas and New Year's, and I think I've finally caught up with all of the friends and coworkers I hadn't seen since trips here and there to visit families.

I've heard all the war stories from holiday break -- and many seem to carry the same theme, which leaves me with the question:

Which details about your relationship should you share with your parents (mostly your mother)? And which you should leave out for their own good?

The stories I heard all went something like this: My sister/friend/sister-in-law/cousin told my mom about a disagreement/split/other issue with her boyfriend/husband, and then mom was caught up in the drama for the entire visit. And, more often than not, the issue was resolved independent of mom's and dad's fretting -- because it really wasn't that serious after all or because the sister/friend/sister-in-law/cousin had it under control ... and could actually work through the problem without dragging the whole family into it.

So holiday visits across the country were sent into a tailspin for no good reason.

Which leads me to ask these three little things of family drama instigators everywhere:

-- Don't say the word "divorce" to mom and dad if you don't really want it to happen -- or think it's going to happen.

-- Be careful about telling your parents about every little thing your dear one does (either on purpose or unintentionally) to annoy you. Your parents will grow to dislike him. Do you really want that?

-- When you get the urge to call mom to complain about your relationship, call a trusted third party (friend, sibling, sibling-in-law) to unload. Then, call mom and dad if you feel you still need feedback or comfort.

Your parents love you. Which means that, if you hurt, they hurt. If you lead your mom to believe your life is falling apart, she's going to fret and worry. Her blood pressure is going to rise. She will lose sleep. Please, only inflict that stress on her (and the rest of the family, by extension) when you really need their help through a tough time.

I slept with him ... now, silence

2009-01-23T09:46:00.001-05:00

From a worried reader:

"I have had feelings for this friend of mine for a few years, but nothing has ever really happened between the two of us until recently (we live in separate cities). We actually took the friendship to a more physical level over the holidays. We did speak the day after and he said everything was cool and not awkward, but it's been a few weeks since I heard from him and now I am afraid that our friendship is over. Do you think friendships can overcome a one-night stand? Also, a female friend of his recently wrote on his Facebook wall that she missed and loved him sooo much! Now, do you tell your male friends that you love them? I usually don't. Is this a red flag?"

Alicia: I'm confused about this question. Does she want a romantic relationship with him or a friendship -- and which is more important to her?

Deirdre: I feel sure she wants a romantic relationship. And that's the problem.

Alicia: No kidding. If they haven't talked about that possibility, I fear that ship has sailed.

Deirdre: She's right, Reader. I know you don't want to hear this now, but you should've talked it out with the guy before you fell into bed together. And while I do think friendships can withstand a one-night stand, in your case, I don't recommend it. You want more than he does. If you and he were on the same page, you wouldn't still be waiting to hear from him.

Alicia: Do you think it would hurt for her to lay her cards on the table, though? I know I'd feel awfully coulda-shoulda-woulda if I didn't at least tell him how I felt, knowing that he probably wouldn't reciprocate. But then, I've been known to be a glutton for punishment.

Deirdre: OK. I used to feel the same need for closure. But experience has taught me that when you pursue it, you're just asking to be hurt. People have a tendency to make excuses for romantic prospects when they don't act right. He hasn't lost her number. He's not too busy to call. He just ... won't. Now, can we discuss this Facebook chick?

Alicia: That's a whole other side of putting yourself out there. Sounds like she had one too many cocktails before declaring her looove.

Deirdre: Yes, Reader, it's a red flag. She's totally making a play for him, and in a public, marking-her-territory way.

Alicia: Well, in this case, Reader, you might take comfort in this: I bet he hasn't called her, either.

Deirdre: HA! And as for using the "L" word with male friends, I tell some of my guy friends that I love them. But they know perfectly well I don't mean it THAT WAY. Again, it comes down to communicating, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

Alicia: I've learned that one the hard way. Well, I guess communication is a good way to check the situation -- or soften the blow of disappointment -- before you open yourself up to someone.

Deirdre: But take heart, Reader! You're not in the same city, so you probably won't run into him at a club and get arrested for punching him in the face! Seriously, though, learn from this experience and count yourself lucky that you didn't get involved with him. You deserve better than a man who neglects you for weeks. Now, get a great outfit together -- you're going out this weekend!

What about you, other readers? What's the relationship miscommunication you'll never forget?

Thank you, Michelle Obama

2009-01-22T12:30:00.023-05:00

Now that Michelle Obama has had her first full day as first lady (in cute black flats, I noticed -- it'll probably be awhile before she can look at a pair of Jimmy Choos without shuddering), I'd like to take this opportunity to offer her some gratitude.

Thank you for being who you are. I don't think most people realize the import of what it means to black women to have such a fantastic black woman in the White House. What images do we usually get in today's pop culture? Harpies, hos and shrill baby mommas. Sassy sidekicks. Overweight know-it-alls who dispense sage advice. And now we have Michelle Obama as our first lady -- she's intelligent, self-assured, ambitious, successful. An adored wife and adoring mom. How can America's -- and the world's -- thought process about black women not be altered by this fact? Also, thank you for not giving in to the pressures of what others think the first lady should look like. Thanks for not starving yourself into a size 4, or covering your arms and shoulders because showing them is "not first ladylike," or bowing to the pressure to wear pantyhose.

Thank you for giving Barack Obama a chance, all those years ago. Our new president has said that when he and Michelle met, she turned down his date offer many times. Black women are the least likely to marry in American society; for generations we've been raised to be self-sufficient. We've also started looking for love outside our race, and while I'm certainly not judging people's choices (I date non-black as well as black men), it can't be denied that this strong black couple sends a powerful message. So years ago, when that cocky young hotshot came calling, again and again, Michelle saw something that let her know he might be worth her time. The result is a true partnership that has yielded spectacular results. Her husband is enamored to this day. During their tour of inauguration balls, he was holding her just as tightly during the 10th dance as he was the first -- all the while giving her smoldering looks that let us know just how hot he thought she was in that dress.

Thank you for raising your daughters as what they are: little black girls. Is there any relationship more complex than that of a black female and her hair? Sure, the Obama girls are resplendent with flowing locks and bouncing curls on special occasions -- say, when their dad is sworn in as the president of the United States -- but every other day, they look like normal girls, with easy-to-care-for twists and hastily brushed ponytails. They spend summer breaks in braids. (Raise your hands, black women, if you had cornrowed hair during childhood summers. Mine is raised just as high.)

But this is about more than hair, of course. Sasha and Malia Obama are smart, confident, well-behaved kids who are as comfortable with standing in front of a million people as they are playing with a group of friends. It's beautiful to see and a testament to how they've been raised. Which brings me to ...

Thank you for taking your mother with you to the White House. No nannies for these girls while mom and dad are away on state business. Speaking as a woman who spent her childhood raised by a mother, two grandmothers and a great-grandmother, the effect our elders have on us can't be over-estimated. They teach us the finer points of life in a way that sticks with us forever. As Garrison Keillor said of the Obama girls during a recent broadcast of "Prairie Home Companion": "They''ll do fine, 'cause they've got that first grandma with them now in the White House. And you can tell just looking at her, she is a grandma who means business. This is a grandma who's gonna make sure that those two girls don't wind up in the roles of famous people who are not that bright, if you know what I mean."

And finally ...

Thank you for risking all that you love for us. It's historic to have a black family as America's first family, and there are people out there who wish them harm. Gen. Colin Powell decided against a run for president in part because his wife, Alma, feared for his safety. Barack Obama would never have run for president if Michelle hadn't agreed to it. The entire family has committed to serve America for the next four to eight years, and there's an element of risk to their lives every day. It's a sacrifice few would make. Here's hoping the prayers sent from all over the world do their job to help keep the family safe and sound.

Friday funny: Stripper pole hijinks

2009-01-16T11:36:00.006-05:00

This chick gets an A for effort, but it's a prime example of "just because other people can do it, doesn't mean you should do it, too." (Safe for work ... if loud laughter is allowed.)

Nuff said.

'Gimme shelter' may strain relationships

2009-01-15T12:05:00.006-05:00

Since we're talking about boundaries (and I vote for Alicia stashing her toothbrush in the medicine cabinet because I, too, am icked out), here's a pretty timely one: people who invite themselves to stay at your house.

NPR's "Talk of the Nation" did an interesting segment on this topic because of the crush of people expected to pour into Washington, D.C., in the next few days for Barack Obama's inauguration. D.C.-based writer Veronica Miller was on the show to talk about all the folks who announced they were coming to her place for the festivities. Miller and her roommate share a tiny two-bedroom basement apartment, and they've agreed to let three people stay with them. Even so, the aunt of Miller's roommate proclaimed that she would be "stopping by" on Inauguration Day. With five people.

The roommate promptly proclaimed that NO, she would not be stopping by. There's no more room in the inn. Kudos to her for not giving in to her pushy aunt.

I admit that I was briefly guilty of this crime. I have a friend who is temporarily living with his friends in D.C. Caught up in the excitement, the day after the election I texted him about crashing at his friend's place for the inauguration. Within five minutes I was texting him back, begging him to forget my request. I realized the serious social faux pas I was committing.

This is a matter of respect. It's just not right to force your desires on other people, especially when it's something as intimate as sharing their living space. Even if you are family, when you stay at someone else's home, you are their guest. They are opening their homes to you. They do not have to do this.

And yet, in the last few months, folks who live anywhere near D.C. have found themselves flooded with calls, e-mails and texts from shameless people they haven't heard from in years, wanting shelter. People who live in desirable locations -- near beaches or shopping/entertainment meccas, or in other countries -- are probably used to random "friends" inviting themselves to stay for free.

Here's a tip: those three people wedged into Veronica Miller's D.C. apartment? They asked. Don't assume, don't insinuate, don't demand. And don't be surprised or hurt if you're told no. But if you're told yes, be prepared to be the best house guest ever.

Can you brush away boundaries?

2009-01-14T07:45:00.000-05:00

I have a new toothbrush. It's white and green, bristles not too soft, not too rough. Makes my teeth feel squeaky-clean.

My new dentist gave it to me at my last checkup. (Thanks, Dr. Burley.)

My ownership of this toothbrush -- as is the case with all of my toothbrushes -- will be fleeting. It seems I'm the only one in my house who has boundaries when it comes to using other people's toothbrushes.

I'll find my kids ambling around the house with my toothbrush protruding from their mouths -- the oldest providing mighty-machine sound effects (he's tower-crane obsessed), the youngest intoning, "Bu-ush teef, mommy? Bu-ush teef, mommy?" (Who knew that, when you drop the "R," brush is a two-syllable word?)

They have no problem with where they might drop it. (Bathroom floor, anyone?) No problem with where their hands have been before they touched it.

Ick. Toothbrush retired.

To be fair, my kids give the same treatment to their father's toothbrush. And it icks him out, too.

Not so when he borrows my toothbrush.

Perhaps borrow isn't the word. He really can't always remember which toothbrush is his, and he just grabs for one when he needs one. Sometimes, it's mine.

He doesn't understand why it's a big deal.

But it icks me out.

I've tried to get past it -- rinsing it off with mouthwash, and then water, and then drying it with a towel before using it again. Attempting to use it again.

But it icks me out.

Maybe I'll take to keeping my toothbrush in a not-so-accessible place. (We'll not say "hide." That makes it seem neurotic.)

Maybe I'll post a dummy toothbrush in the holder in my bathroom, and keep my real one in another hygienic place of my choosing. (OK. Neurotic.)

Or maybe the other members of my household will respect my boundaries when it comes to toothbrushes.

So, does the medicine cabinet sound like a good place for a toothbrush? (Though who knows what sort of germs lurk those dark recesses ...)

A card, to say you care

2008-12-18T11:46:00.008-05:00

I have friends I haven't talked to in months. You know what it's like -- you mean to send an e-mail. You mean to call. But time slips away, and before you know it, the end of the year draws near. And if you're like me, when December rolls around you find yourself driving to the post office with a stack of holiday cards sliding around on the passenger seat.

I'm not one to get too excited about holidays -- you work enough of them, the magic fades -- but this is the time of year when I look forward to checking my mail. There's just something about spotting a bright green or red envelope mixed in with the bills and magazines. No matter how bad my day has been, it's hard to stay grumpy when you open a goofy card from a person you haven't heard from in ages, or you view a friend's family portrait with cute kids growing up impossibly fast.

The holiday card is the great equalizer. It says, "I know we haven't talked, but that doesn't mean I don't care." It says, "In the midst of all the shopping-eating-family drama frenzy, I took a moment to think of you, and wanted to let you know." It says, "We're family."

It's sort of the renewal of a vow: you stay in my life, and I'll stay in yours.

Finding my sometimes father

2008-12-17T08:20:00.002-05:00

I haven't seen my father in more than 16 years.

If you've known me for at least that amount of time, that wouldn’t surprise you. My dad has always had a sometimes there, sometimes not presence in my life. When I was very young, he worked a difficult job with wacky hours, and didn’t always make it home. Sometimes, perhaps he wasn’t working, and he didn’t make it home.

He and my mother had at best a strained marriage for all sorts of reasons. They got married young, had kids quickly and struggled to pay the bills. They separated when I was in junior high, and divorced several years later. He remarried, and his new wife often pressured him about his commitments – financial and emotional – to his former life. There were periods of time when my siblings and I didn’t hear from him even then.

We stopped talking the last time, this one by more of a general agreement, right after I got married. We had a falling out about his new girlfriend and his family, and their involvement in my tiny wedding ceremony.

At least, that’s how I remember it. He may have a very different and certainly valid recollection. There's all sorts of blame to go around when it comes to what went wrong in our family.

My dad does, however, acknowledge the general framework of our past – he and I began talking again intermittently about two years ago – but I haven’t asked him to confirm details or asked him to explain why any of it happened. I don’t think either of us is ready for that.

But when he called me, he did admit to this: He said that he wrongly put other relationships in his life ahead of his relationship with his children.

I think that’s part of it. I also think he doesn’t much know how to relate to his children. He has always wanted a very traditional, family-ties kind of relationship, but we have never had a run-of-the-mill family. And I think it would have been difficult to deal with three tweens/teens even if there isn’t a divorce involved.

All of that is to say this: In the end, I know my dad’s a pretty good guy. He means well, even if he doesn’t always do good. (I sadly report that he currently isn’t returning my calls.) I don’t always like him, but I can say that I don’t want to regret not having tried to rebuild a relationship with him. I want to give him and my children the opportunity to know each other. And I think that, should I peel away all the years of armor I built up to keep from getting hurt, I probably would say I love him.

Maybe it won’t take another 16 years for me to be able to tell him that.

Counseling shouldn't stop after marriage

2008-12-15T12:04:00.001-05:00

I asked a newlywed pal how her marriage was going. She said it was good, but hard. "Because we're both stubborn, and we're older," she explained. (They're in their mid-to-late 30s). It takes work to meld two strong, independent lives.

So the newlymarrieds have decided to keep seeing the person they met for pre-marriage counseling. They don't go often, only when they have a problem they feel they need an objective opinion on. And my friend says it has helped a lot.

I think that going to a counselor is a great idea. More people are marrying later in life -- I have a friend who married for the first time when she was 41. It's not easy to change your life from one where you have your space the way you want it, and your daily schedule the way you want it, to sharing it with another person. Some compromises may be simple; others, not so much. So talking out your issues with a third party who has no stake in the outcome can be a good thing.

Also, the counseling doesn't have to end once newlywed issues have worked themselves out. I heard a recent radio interview with caustic actor-comedian Denis Leary. He's been married for 26 years. He was talking about his new book, "Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid," and offered men advice on marriage counseling:

"Number one: Do it," he said. "You're not gonna find a guy who's more anti-therapy or anti any kind of counseling than me. I'm a stubborn, pigheaded Irishman and that's sort of in my DNA. And it takes me a long time to learn a lesson."

After going through three counselors in about six weeks, Leary said, "We finally went to a male marriage counselor, and it dawned on me -- 'Oh, I'm completely - I'm totally wrong. And emotionally unavailable.' Goes right back to that Irish-Catholic upbringing. Once I figured out I'm wrong, and emotionally unavailable, we started to make some progress.

"I gotta tell you, the male, the man shrink, that's the way to go," Leary continued. "It's a person, a man, who gets paid to sit in a room and listen to women complain about what's wrong with men. It's the female version of hiring a prostitute. ... and it works. Sitting in that room with that guy -- I guess it was because he was finally a guy I listened to him -- I started to realize yeah, you know what? I am not right about most things. I am sometimes right about things in sports and show biz, because I'm a sports fan and I work in show business, but in terms of raising children and making a marriage work, I'm 0 for 7 million. That's my batting average. But I've learned how to learn from the man shrink."

So there you go. If he can learn, can't we all?

The one you don't forget

2008-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

Some breakups, you just never get over. No matter how bad the relationship. And maybe because the relationship was so bad.

Take my friend, Melissa. She dated this guy for close to two years. She was sure he was the man of her dreams. Little bit of a bad boy. Had traveled a bit, and he seemed to know a lot about the world and could carry on a conversation about anything. Attractive.

(She overlooked some major red flags -- still lived with his parents? -- so she caused herself some unnecessary heartache, she concedes.)

The first time he broke up with her, she was blindsided. During a date, he stopped her on a sidewalk in a busy neighborhood, suggested they sit down on a bench, and listed everything he felt the relationship was lacking: She tended toward the quiet, when he was a little more outspoken (took him a year to figure this out?); they seemed to be a different stages in their lives (a fair concern); and the sex was so-so (you only get what you're brave enough to ask for, my man). Then he let her loose. He said he was sorry. Melissa dissolved into tears, he took her home, and she tried to forget about him.

Then, about a month later, he apologized. He said he wanted her back. She agreed.

It was about three weeks of happy-happy joy-joy, Melissa once again got lost in the relationship, and she was blindsided yet again.

He broke up with her -- in a park, this time. She says she was a little less weepy that time around, a lot more angry, and a lot quicker to move on.

But she was always haunted by what she should have said, how she could have expressed her anger a little more clearly. Maybe a little more loudly.

She ran into him about a year later. He apologized again for how he had treated her. He blamed it on depression, and said he was taking medication to address it. Then he asked her back to his place. She says she smiled at the silliness of it all, but she declined.

Still, the regrets of that relationship follow her -- like those nightmares you have about missing a final exam long after you've received your diploma -- despite many years and several solid, healthy relationships under her belt.

She says she'll probably never get over those regrets. Given that she's held onto the regrets of the relationship for so long, would she ever take him back, should they again cross paths? No, she insists. She'd rather just live with the old regrets, instead of creating new ones.

But how would she react? She's says she can't know until she's in the situation. But she guesses she might have a few words of advice for him. That her tone might be a lot harsher, the volume a little louder than the last time.

Maybe she even has those words ready to go now. Don't you?

Cussin' up a public, political storm

2008-12-12T11:04:00.002-05:00

One of the most fascinating aspects about the impending fall of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is the excerpts from his wiretapped conversations. The man talks like he's filming a Quentin Tarantino movie, only not quite as clever.

"I've got this thing and it's (expletive) golden," Blagojevich said of his authority to appoint the replacement for President-elect Obama's Senate seat, "and I'm just not giving it up for (expletive) nothing."

And his wife is right there with him on the cussin' front. She unleashed an obscenity-filled tirade suggesting Tribune Co. ownership should "just fire" Chicago Tribune editorial writers if the company wanted the state to help it unload Wrigley Field.

"Hold up that (expletive) Cubs (expletive)," she's quoted as saying in the background as her husband talked on the phone. "(Expletive) them."

OK. I cuss. Quite a bit. I've never believed that business about how you're not a lady if you use foul language. I swear in English and in German, and sometimes in French. But even I got a little slack-jawed when I heard what came out of the Blogojeviches' potty mouths.

I really began to question my own use of salty language when I read this story, which mentions a 2006 study that found 74 percent of Americans frequently or occasionally hear people cursing in public and that most believe the use of profanity is on the rise.

But, “there's a huge difference between a person who drops a swear word once in a while and a person who uses it in every other sentence,” the story quoted Peter Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and an author and lecturer on business etiquette, as saying. “There's a certain level of arrogance in it that says I can do anything I want, I can speak any way that I want.”

Noooo, I don't feel that way. I moderate my language depending on who I'm talking to, of course. In casual conversations with friends I may pepper my sentences with profanity, but even so, I don't think I'm as blue as the Blagojeviches. Or am I? I wonder what tapes of my conversations would sound like?

I don't think I'll give up swear words completely -- in many situations a "gosh darn" or "crap" just doesn't cut it -- but I will make an effort to use less of them.

What about you? Do you use profanity in everyday language? Have the Blogojeviches made you rethink your cussin'?

What are you doing, Oprah?

2008-12-11T07:50:00.000-05:00

This week, Oprah Winfrey disclosed that she has ballooned to 200 pounds. She details her troubles in the January issue of "O" magazine, which features an image of her fit, flat-tummied self next to her current curvier self, with the headline, "How did I let this happen again?" And in the magazine article she talks about how she wanted to hide during an "Oprah" episode with Tina Turner and Cher because she felt like "a fat cow."

Alicia: Talk about roller coaster relationships -- Oprah Winfrey really has to come to terms with her weight and what it means about who she is. Seems to me she keeps making the issue more public than it needs to be.

Deirdre: I'm glad you brought that up, because I have mixed feelings about what she's done. On one hand, millions of women -- including me -- can identify with her. This just shows she's human. On the other hand, there is some serious masochism going on.

Alicia: Really. It's not that she does it -- to a degree, she has to address issues like her weight head-on, because she's a celebrity. But, you're right, she does it in such a dramatic and self-deprecating way. Many, many people struggle with their weight. But I don't know if you can solve your problem by beating yourself up so much.

Deirdre: But, A, isn't that usually the first impulse -- to beat yourself up?

Alicia: I suppose that's true. And heaven knows I've kicked myself about stupid things I've done (including a run-in or two with a plate of hot wings). But she just keeps kicking herself in front of so many people -- some supportive, and some just dastardly -- almost setting herself up for failure.

Deirdre: It's interesting you say that, because what's the popular advice when you're trying to lose weight? Tell other people about it, as a way to hold yourself accountable and build a support system.

Alicia: I don't know, I've only seen that work when you tell a small group of people who you know will support your goal, and then you open up to others as you move toward your goal. Otherwise, don't you just get a lot of people asking you how it's going -- putting pressure on you, which stresses you out and drives you back to what you're trying to overcome?

Deirdre: I can tell you from personal experience the answer is "yes." But what I find poignant about this situation is that Oprah Winfrey is one of the richest, most powerful women in the world. And the struggle with food and her weight -- when she could hire any chef, trainer, or plastic surgeon -- is like her Achilles heel. So what hope is there for us peons?

Alicia: That's what I'm saying -- is she setting the example that could help those of us who can't afford to hire an army of experts to help us, let alone pay a monthly gym membership or Weight Watchers fee?

Deirdre: She has inspired millions over the years who have followed her struggle.

Alicia: Maybe you're right. She's showing her humanity. I just hope she can find a way to succeed for the long-term.

Deirdre: Well, I'm heartened by an excerpt I saw from her article: "My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold -- to be strong, and healthy and fit, to be itself ... My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me." That's a far cry from back in the day, when she went on a liquid diet to fit into size 10 jeans that were too small the next day.

Alicia: That whole thing was a circus -- and being healthy is the right goal. I hope we can learn a lot from her this time around.

When is special really something else?

2008-12-10T07:30:00.002-05:00

Welcome to a very special episode of We Can Relate.

It’s so special because well, you’re so special. And the day is just so beautiful and peaceful and … special. Could there be anything better than spending such a special time with you on a day like this?

Annoyed yet? I am.

But that’s how this couple I know talks to each other. Yes – in front of actual people. It’s all so saccharine it makes me want to heave, or at the very least roll my eyes – which is what I do when they’re not looking.

It annoys me because I shouldn’t be hearing it – when they set off on these dialogues they’re always very wrapped up in each other. They’re not making general conversation with the others in the room. The dialogues can last five minutes – or 20. And one of the two often interrupts conversations the other is having to begin the you’re-so-special babble.

And, no, they're not newlyweds. They've been together for more than a decade -- and still it persists. And it annoys not only me but also others who witness it; I always have a partner in eye-rolling.

It all just makes me suspicious: Can things at that moment really be that special – and, long-term relationship-wise – that good, if you have to say it over and over? And, perhaps most annoying, in that really cloying I’m-talking-to-a-cute-widdle-kitten tone?

My money’s on no.

He just wasn't that into me

2008-12-09T12:06:00.005-05:00

I'd been at a friend's Christmas party for a couple hours when her neighbor showed up. Her single male neighbor. Her sexy single male neighbor.

I had met this guy before at another party; he was laid-back, confident and witty, in addition to being easy on the eyes. And when a small pack of us moved to a nearby bar to continue drinking and talking, I figured it was the perfect time to get to know him better.

At this point, I'd been drinking for awhile, so my reaction time was slow. I mention that because signs I normally would've noticed went right over my head. Signs like while we did talk and laugh at the party and at the bar, he didn't come over to join my conversations, but rather, I joined his. Also, he spent more time with other women at the bar than with our group. But all was made clear when, at one point, we were standing next to each other, but his attention was on a thin blonde nearby.

"So ... you like skinny white chicks?" I asked.

"Yep," he replied with a nod and a smile. A refreshingly pithy response, actually.

And ... that was that. I'm not skinny, or white. I will never be skinny, or white. I looked really good that night, and conversation flowed smoothly, but if I'm not his type, there's nothing I could do, you know?

I think a lot of women beat themselves up when something like this happens. I know I used to. You think that, because a certain man isn't attracted to you, there has to be something wrong with you. You must've said the wrong thing. Wore the wrong outfit. If only you were prettier, smarter, skinnier, taller, funnier. The truth of the matter is, it's not even about you, really. We all like what we like. Just because one particular man isn't attracted to you, that doesn't mean all men feel the same way. But I think that some women (and men, too, don't wanna leave you out) take a lack of interest personally, when they shouldn't.

So I shrugged off the sexy neighbor. There's plenty of men who do like non-skinny, non-white chicks. Of that, I'm sure.

Speaking the language of love

2008-12-08T09:01:00.000-05:00

Let’s play a little relationship multiple choice.

I feel most loved when the important people in my life:

(a) don’t hesitate to show affection through all sorts of physical manifestations – hugging, kissing, whatever … depending on the person and our relationship.

(b) tell me that they love me and offer other encouraging words. I need to hear it before I can feel it.

(c) stop their busy lives for a little while to talk, walk, go to a movie – doesn’t matter much the activity, as long as we’re spending time together. I crave that connection.

(d) gives me gifts when I don’t expect them – they’re not always expensive, but they’re always thoughtful.

(e) does things for me – washes my car, gives me a shoulder rub after a long day at work, cooks me a great meal. It’s always things that make my life easier or more enjoyable.

Got your answer?

Then you’re on your way to understanding the five love languages as conceived by Gary Chapman, author of a series of books that started with "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate." His theory is that people give and receive love in five ways: through (a) physical touch; (b) words of affirmation; (c) quality time; (d) gifts; and (e) acts of service. You can love someone so much it hurts -- but he won’t feel it if you don’t show that love using his love language.

I’m fairly certain I’m an E, though A probably runs a close second most days. And my husband has figured it out without reading a book – when I’m stalking around in a foul mood, he’ll tell me to soak in a bubble bath while he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. (Or is that code for go soak your head?)

Can’t hone in on just one love language? Could be that you speak several very strongly. Could be that your love language changes depending on the person you’re with, or that your love language has changed over time.

Or could be you’re just high-maintenance. Let your friends, family and significant others be warned.

Concessions to manhood

2008-12-04T08:42:00.001-05:00

My friend and her husband couldn't beat the prospects: Spontaneous sex without the hassle of birth control. No reaching for a condom. No taking a daily pill that caused less-than-sexy mood swings. (My friend has a health condition that makes life with her an amusing little roller coaster without the help of synthetic hormones, thank you very much.)

However, the dream required a little outpatient medical procedure. For her husband. And first, he had to clear the huge emotional hurdle that the specter of a vasectomy can create.

And she had to help him.

He approached the procedure as a challenge to his masculinity, his role as chief breadwinner and head of household.

The problem: She’s strong-willed and independent – and she doesn’t hesitate to tell you if she thinks you’re acting stupid. Which is what she called her husband when, leading up to his surgery, he started picking at her for not consulting him on every decision she made. (Roll your eyes here.)

So, to maintain peace in her family – and to ensure she’d never have to dial-a-pill again – she had to sublimate her living-out-loud personality for a while. She had to show her husband that she needed him, despite what the doctor snipped.

Which is where the story gets amusing.

Leading up to her husband’s appointment with the knife, my friend started inventing ways to make her man feel, well, manly.

She called to ask him how to open the garage door when the power was out – even though she knew full well how to pull the chain. She sought his advice on how to get their toddler daughter’s hair cut. She consulted him about the grocery list.

She succeeded. The arguing stopped. He got the snip.

And since I wasn’t on the receiving end of that procedure, I don’t know that I’m qualified to pass judgment on the lengths it took to get it done. But my friend and her husband should be home-free.

If she can convince him to schedule the follow-up appointment – to ensure it all worked.

Someone new to relate

2008-12-03T09:00:00.001-05:00

Deirdre: I've got a treat for you, Relate readers: the addition of a new writer! Her name is Alicia Roberts, and she works with me here at the Observer. As you will soon see for yourselves, she's smart, sassy, sexy and full of opinions about everything relationship related. Say hello to the readers, Alicia! (And readers, you be nice to her.)

Alicia: Hey there. I might be full of opinions, but I'm no expert, as you'll find out all too soon. But a wise colleague once advised me that it's good to know your limitations.

Deirdre: Amen to that! And speaking of limitations, my former co-writer, Jason Benavides, recognized his. Jason realized his life is too crammed to squeeze in writing time, so Miss Alicia is taking his place.

Alicia: I think I have some interesting ideas, and I like the, um, lively conversation Relate readers have been known to start. So gimme feedback. And we'll see how it goes.

Deirdre: This blog started as a platform to discuss all types of relationships -- marriage, friendship, dating, co-workers, etc., and bigger picture topics like race relations and other social issues -- and I'm glad you agree we should keep it that way. But what fascinates you the most about relationships?

Alicia: You know, I'm fascinated in general about interpersonal relationships. I'm kind of a loner by nature and an observer by trade ... so I tend to analyze a lot. And maybe criticize a bit. In private. My husband hears an earful quite a bit. But he's a chatter, so it doesn't bother him.

Deirdre: Alicia and I are going to experiment with a schedule. She'll post Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll post Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we'll post together on Fridays. But since she's new, we'll start her off with her first post tomorrow. So come take a look!

Alicia: Thanks, D. I'm looking forward to it.

Best airport for a romantic connection?

2008-11-20T12:13:00.007-05:00

Now that the holiday travel season is upon us, you may be dreading waits and delays at airports. But try looking at it from a positive angle. From BudgetTravel.com:

"For singles, long airport waits are opportunities for romantic encounters. If history is any guide, Chicago O'Hare will offer plenty of opportunities for singles to meet up and bond over shared trouble. Last winter, O'Hare led the nation's airports in flight delays, with one out of every two flights delayed on average. Midway came in second-place, with one out of every three flights delayed. (Way to go, Chicago!)"

Got a flight scheduled to go through Chicago? Ladies, don't forget your lip gloss. Fellas, leave the stained sweatshirt at home and opt for a nice sweater. Budget Travel continues:

"Romance is in the air when flights get grounded. Consider the results of a survey of 860 travelers last fall by StrategyOne.

'Nearly one in 10 adults has personally gone out or knows someone who has gone out with someone they met at the airport or during a flight. The survey also showed people are taking advantage of their flight time: one-third of adults would rather sit next to someone they find attractive or interesting than have an entire row to themselves.' "

BTW, there are going to be bigger airfare sales this year. Fearing a possible sharp decline in commercial traffic in 2009, the airlines are desperate to fill seats on their planes this holiday season, so they'll be offering rock-bottom prices on flights. You never know -- maybe love really is in the air!

Do men ever ASK to dance?

2008-11-17T12:53:00.006-05:00

Over the weekend I hit a club with Nightlife writer and Paid to Party blogger Sarah Aarthun. We were relaxing at the bar when I drew her attention to a dude nearby who thought he was a backup dancer in Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step" video. He obviously thought he was doing something over there.

"Why doesn't he just ask a girl to dance, so everybody can see him?" I asked Sarah.

"Hmm. I don't think men ask women to dance anymore," was her response.

"Really?!" I said, shocked. Then we both got faraway looks in our eyes as we tried to remember the last time a guy had actually asked us to dance, rather than just coming up on the dance floor and joining in.

Sound familiar, ladies? You're getting your groove on, having fun with your girlfriends when suddenly a guy jumps in between you (if he's really foolish, he'll shout, "SANDWICH!") and starts gyrating like mad. Or you're moving to the music, eyes closed, when you feel a unexpected crotch pressed against your backside. Or you're doing your calm version of the "I'm not gonna sweat" dance (every woman has one) when you slowly realize there's a dude right next to you, bumping and grinding and trying to get you pregnant through your clothes.

I brought up the topic with the friend I call Gabrielle, aka, The Club Bunny. She has dubbed the maneuver the "sneak attack."

"It's about fear of rejection," she theorized. "If you ask someone to dance, you give them a verbal chance to say no. But if you just start dancing with them, they have to turn away or walk away from you on the floor, and some might think it's not worth the trouble. Especially if it's their favorite song -- you'll at least get that one dance."

Back to me and Sarah at the club. We're on the dance floor, grooving and laughing, when my favorite jam surfaces in the DJ's mashup: "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock. (I'm 38, remember?) With a delighted squeal I start dancing harder. Right then a guy eases past us, headed for the bar. He looks at me, and the next thing I know, I'm in his arms and Sarah's giving me a "didn't I tell you?" look over his shoulder as she dances away.

Weigh in on this, people. Ladies: do men still ask you to dance, or do they mostly employ the sneak attack when you're already on the floor? And how do you feel about it? Fellas: Do you ask women to dance, or move in when you see the goofy "This. Is. MY. JAM!" smile spread across their face?

A pastor's seven-day sex challenge

2008-11-12T19:23:00.002-05:00

Have you heard about this? The pastor of a Dallas-area megachurch says that, during this Sunday's sermon, he's gonna challenge his married congregants to have sex for seven straight days.

The Rev. Ed Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he added.

"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."

He plans to deliver his challenge while sitting on a bed in front of his congregation. (Oooh, kinky! Imagine the fantasies he'll inspire.) Also, he and his wife of 26 years will participate in the challenge themselves. They have four kids; no word on if they'll be trying for a fifth.

Which, BTW, makes me wonder: Is it OK to have sex with your spouse if you use contraception? And what if you have a long-term partner, but you're not married -- is it permissible to have sex with them? And I suppose that anyone who is just dating, or gay and has sex is gonna be punished in the hereafter?

The "having sex every night for so many days" idea is nothing new; a Charlotte woman wrote a book about having sex with her husband every day for a year. And while I support the basic idea behind these challenges -- physical intimacy leads to a deeper bond, a greater understanding of each other -- it chafes me that they're limited to married couples. As if people can't be committed without marriage.

Even so, in any kind of relationship sex can fall by the wayside through no fault of the people involved. If it takes a week of physical intimacy to kickstart desire, it's not such a hard cross to bear.

Obamas a fine example of a fine marriage

2008-11-07T14:08:00.009-05:00

Anyone paying attention to the state of America today knows what a hot mess President-elect Obama will have to deal with when he takes office in January. I keep coming back to the same thought when I consider the rough road ahead:

Thank goodness he has Michelle.

We'll never know what's really going on in the Obama marriage, but they present a picture of a strong, healthy partnership that I don't think is being faked. Lord knows they'll need it now more than ever.

I followed the entire presidential race, -- yep, almost two years -- and one of the aspects I found myself focusing on was the interaction between the candidates and their spouses. For instance, I became fixated on catching a glimpse of Hillary and Bill Clinton in a full-bodied hug, or seeing them peck on the lips instead of his lips brushing her cheek (I saw neither). And people might call Cindy McCain a robot, but I saw the affectionate glances she tossed her husband's way, and the blue steel of her gaze when she felt insulted on his behalf.

Say what you will about Barack and Michelle Obama -- and plenty people have -- but can there be any doubt that they are a man and woman in love? They're each other's biggest fan. There's an easy intimacy about them that is inspiring. He often refers to her as the love of his life, and sometimes when they're together you get the feeling that at that moment, it's only the two of them, and nothing else matters.

And how did they spend their Friday morning? At a parent-teacher conference at their girls' school. On Halloween, Barack the Dad walked 7-year-old Sasha to a party as Secret Service agents followed at a respectful distance. Even though Michelle the Mom will be First Lady, she has vowed to attend dance recitals and anything else her kids want her there for.

I think the Obamas offer a fine example of what a happy, healthy marriage looks like. There's obvious respect, support and communication there, and a sense that it's a partnership where both sides hold up their end of the bargain and have each other's back. And frankly, I'll feel better knowing my president is happily married and less likely to spend his time trying to get a little something on the side. That way, he can focus on more important things ... like being the leader of the free world.

If sex was for sale, would women buy?

2008-11-03T15:21:00.000-05:00

The New York Times ran a provocative piece last week about the conversation France is having about female sexuality. It was sparked by the popularity of the movie "Cliente," about a hard-charging, 51-year-old divorcee who wants good sex without strings and is willing to pay good money for it.

Director and author Josiane Balasko, 58, wanted to shatter a long-held taboo in France and to send a positive message to middle-aged women who find themselves alone and wanting sexual fulfillment.

“Prostitution is the last sexual territory owned by men,” Balasko said in an interview. “Men are in control of pleasure and have the right to buy it. Women do not. A lot of my friends are alone, lonely, divorced. They can’t always reinvent themselves with another man and a new family. So I decided to show a female client of a male escort. She’s not a victim. She is a woman who is in control of her life, her feelings, her sexual pleasure.”

Although there are ads for male escorts on the Internet in France, the concept of a woman paying for sex is still a taboo. “If a woman agrees to pay a man for sex, she’s a whore,” said Pascal Bruckner, an intellectual and novelist who has written extensively about sexuality. “If a man pays a woman for sexual services in France, it’s accepted. It’s one of the strange flaws of feminism.”

Historically, the French are much less conflicted than Americans when it comes to sex, so if France is struggling with this topic, can you imagine a national conversation about sexual mores in the U.S.? We can't even talk about sex education or sexual health without people having hissy fits and trying to legislate sexual behavior.

But still ... if prostitution were legal in more states than Nevada and Rhode Island, and you didn't have to go to a brothel to get it, I bet a lot of women would pony up for a few hours of service. (Legalized prostitution has mandatory STD testing, unlike the dudes you pick up at a bar). An attractive man who will cater to your every whim sexually? Whose only goal is to satisfy you, and you don't have to go through an online dating service, or blind date or any kind of date at all -- you just get what you want and go your separate merry ways? Sounds pretty good.

There are times when women, like men, just want sex. It's a natural drive. The sooner we all accept that, the healthier our cultures -- here and France and everywhere else - will be.

Gotta love friends

2008-10-27T01:55:00.006-04:00

Hi, guys. Sorry I've been MIA; I was on vacation and determined to stay away from the computer. But now I'm back in the saddle. Hope you've had a great couple weeks!

Here's a text conversation between me and my friend Gabrielle, she of the sex party I told you about. A little background: I've had my eye on a certain bartender for awhile now, and I've been trying to decide if I want make a move. As you'll see, the fates haven't been in my favor.

Me: Went to bar; lusty bartender off. 3rd time this happened. i think its a sign i shuldnt mess wid him. (yes, I'm wordy, even in text messages -- I'm a writer; what do you expect?)

Gabrielle: U are being melodramatic.

Me: is there any other way to be?

Gabrielle: not really! :) all my friends live with exclamation points.

Friends -- they talk you down off the ledge when you're overreacting and love you for who you are.

If anything happens with the hot bartender, I'll let you know.

Google helps avoid drunk e-mailing

2008-10-09T12:41:00.007-04:00

Haven't we all sent messages we later regretted? Google has launched a new feature to combat a particularly disastrous form of e-mailing: late-night drunk typing.

I found out about this on the blog at Good Vibrations (it's great site that sells sex toys and adult videos, but there's also lots of good information about sexual health and other issues). The idea is that when you’ve been partying, you’re less likely to be both willing and able to do simple math problems. So if you enable Mail Goggles (its like beer goggles, but in reverse), Gmail will make you solve some math before you can send your e-mail. Here's what it looks like:

By default, it’s active on weekend late nights since that’s when most people may need it. But if you like to get your drink on in the afternoon, you can set it for any time of day.

Are they lying? Listen to body language

2008-10-07T12:31:00.007-04:00

People lie. The lies may be small and harmless, or they may be big and serious. But even the little ones can be destructive in a relationship if they're frequent. So how do you know if you're being hoodwinked? Well, what does your gut tell you? Pay attention to it. Also, body language can be a dead giveaway. According to The Nest, here's six of the most common physical indications of deception. (Not included: wide "who, me?" eyes, which is an oldie but a goodie.) While one or two are likely meaningless, if you see enough of them repeatedly, you should probably be concerned.

1. Covering the mouth while talking. It's as if they're subconsciously repressing the untruths they're spouting. It may be as blatant as completely concealing the mouth or as subtle as a single finger placed in front of the lips.

2. Touching the nose. Scientists have found that lying can cause the tissue in the nose to swell, meaning that a quick stroke could be a sign of deceit (or that it's allergy season).

3. Rubbing an eye. When lying to someone, the instinct is to look away in shame. Since that's a dead giveaway, many people content themselves with a fast wipe of the peepers.

4. Touching an ear. Just as you're supposed to see no evil, you should hear no evil as well. These nervous gestures can range from a small rub of the back of the ear to an outright yank of the ear lobe.

5. Going for the neck. Research has found lying can cause a tingling in the tissues of the neck, leading to scratching or pulling the collar. It signals that the speaker is feeling uncertainty, so be concerned if you see it right after your woman announces, "Of course this Prada dress was on the sales rack at TJ Maxx."

6. Shaking the head no while saying yes. If he says, "Yep, I'm getting home late because I have a big assignment to finish" while nodding his head, he's working late. If he sends the mixed message of saying yes while shaking his head no, check the strip clubs.

Enjoy a corny love moment

2008-10-03T09:44:00.003-04:00

There's a blog -- 1millionlovemessages.com -- where you can go and declare your love for all to see. You can write a love note, post a photo, record a song or recite your favorite sonnet, then post it on the blog. Link your post through one of the networking options and your message will go even further.

The blog was created by a 30-year-old guy in Portugal who hopes to reach 1 million posts. When I looked, it hovered around 900, so he has a ways to go. The posts are from all over; I read notes from the Ukraine, Malawi (where Madonna adopted her youngest kid), Spain, Indonesia, the Philippines, Saudi Arabia, France, the U.K., New Jersey, California and more. Many were from young lovers; I saw a creepy message that included the book cover for "I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love." I have one word for the recipient of that missive: RUN!

To me, the most touching notes were from children to their mothers and from moms to their kids. One poster offered a message to "Everyone": "Tell people you love them today. You never know when you may see them again. (And don't forget about animals, too!)"

Got a minute? Why not go tell someone you love them?

You won't get lucky with these lines

2008-10-01T14:02:00.003-04:00

Ran across a delightful short by Salon.com's Kate Harding with some serious dating don'ts: things guaranteed to not get you laid. You'll have to admit, her list is pretty good:

1. Don't tell me on a first date about the time you were tested for chlamydia (because you found out your high school girlfriend was "a bit of a skank") and go on to describe in loving detail the sensation of a medical-grade Q-tip being inserted into your penis.

2. When informed that I have an autistic nephew, don't respond with, "Well, at least when he gets older, you can take him to Vegas, right?"

3. Do not bring red roses to a woman on the first date. This is not an adorably romantic gesture. This is creepy as all hell.

4. Do not tell me that despite your being in your early 30s, most of your friends are in their early 20s, because "they just get you better."

5. Do not attempt to impress me by speaking Spanish to a waitress, if you don't actually speak Spanish.

6. Do not call out, as you watch my ass while I walk to the washroom, "You know, you're not really that fat. You're, like, thick at best."

7. When I say, "Hey, you know, my friends will make sure I get home OK, so you can feel free to go," do not interpret this as an invitation to stay.

Can you top Kate's list?

An experience not all it's sexed up to be

2008-09-30T12:40:00.018-04:00

Those naughty things we're not supposed to do, but want to anyway -- are they really all that great?

I was going through a stack of books when I came upon "The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (And How to Do Them)" by Peter Sagal. I meant to tell you guys about this book when I read it awhile back, and to share a personal story. No time like the present!

"The Book of Vice" is a fun read, although, depending on your comfort level with the subject matter, is of questionable naughtiness. "Somewhere, somebody is having more fun than you are. Or everyone believes," begins the book jacket blurb. "Peter Sagal, a mild-mannered, Harvard-educated NPR host -- the man who put the second 'L' in 'vanilla' -- decided to find out if it's true." So for the book Sagal visited a porn set, strip clubs, gambling halls, and a swingers club to see if they were all we've been made to believe they are. And you know what he found out? They're not.

Let me tell you that story, because I think it illustrates Sagal's point really well. A few years ago, one of my best friends and her roommate went to an orgy. For real. There's a house in San Francisco where every third Tuesday of the month or something, people show up to have sex with strangers. Well, my friend's roommate was invited to attend and after talking it over with my friend, they both agreed they were too curious not to go.

So they get to this house and find out they're required to check their clothes at the door. They stripped down to their intimates - my friend's in a lace teddy, her roommate's got on a matching bra-and-panty number trimmed in fur (because of that fur from now on I'll refer to her as "Xena" and my friend as "Gabrielle"). Since the majority of the people walking around were naked, they felt decidedly overdressed. But they took a deep breath and entered the fray.

At this point in the tale I admit I was pouting, because I hadn't been asked to go along. I'm just as nosy as they are! But as the story went on, I found myself thanking my friend for sparing me the horror.

OK. They leave their clothes and start wandering. The house had a couple floors and something different sexually was going on in every room. There was a room for food, but it had all been scarfed down. Bowls of condoms everywhere. Lots of nekkidness and lots of sex, but Xena and Gabrielle were surprised at the number of people they didn't find attractive. Weren't parties like this populated by young, hot people?

Overwhelmed, Xena and Gabrielle cowered in a corner of an orgy room -- after a discussion about if it was hygienically safe to sit there. Gabrielle heard "May I give you a massage?" from behind her, and turned to find a smiling naked man. Apparently, the big rule at this kind of shindig is that you're not allowed to touch people without their permission, so the "massage" line is often used. It's code for "hey, wanna have sex?" Gabrielle told me she nearly shrieked, "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" but managed to calm it down into a simple "no, thank you," and grabbed Xena and fled. In the hallway, they ran into an equally mortified-looking pair of young guys, clad in pajama pants and sweats. They, too, were ridiculously overdressed. The quartet commiserated about the lack of sexy people and stuck together until the smell (Gabrielle said the odor of the different and numerous body fluids was overpowering) got to them and they left.

When Gabrielle told me her story, she said she was glad she went, but sad as well. In no way did the experience live up to its naughty allure, and it left her feeling disappointed and kinda dirty.

So she could well relate to "Book of Vice" author Sagal as he wrapped up his trips to the dark, indulgent and kinky sides of human nature. "God knows there are people who are having more fun that you, who are having more and better and frequent and more gymnastic sex than you are, who are enjoying adrenaline thrills and indulgences you can't even imagine," he wrote. "But you have one thing in common with those people: They, too, are wondering if there's something they're missing."

My friend Gabrielle is now content to keep wondering. After hearing her story, I think I am, too.

Poll: Lots of couples clash over clutter

2008-09-24T11:52:00.001-04:00

Since I'm in a numbers mood, here's another stat: More than eight in 10 couples view unused items lying around the house as a source of tension in their relationships.

According to Kijiji.com, a free local classifieds Web site, 81% of Americans in relationships own items they’d love to throw away but can’t, because their significant others insist on keeping them. Sound familiar?

The poll says there are about 35 unused items in every household, on which each consumer has spent over $3,600. And it’s not just women hanging on to outfits they're sure will fit again one day; the poll found 31% of men are clogging the closets with old clothes.

Good luck streamlining your lives, couples. If you do get into an argument, remember there's always hot makeup sex.

State of singles in America

2008-09-23T11:55:00.008-04:00

Guess what? This is Unmarried and Single Americans Week. "National Singles Week" was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. The week is now widely observed during the third full week of September as "Unmarried and Single Americans Week," an acknowledgment that many unmarried Americans do not identify with the word "single" because they are parents, have partners or are widowed. Here's some illuminating statistics about us singletons, courtesy of the Census Bureau:

92 million: Number of unmarried Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

54%: Percentage of unmarried Americans 18 and older who are women.

60%: Percentage of unmarried Americans 18 and older who have never been married.
Another 25 percent are divorced, and 15 percent are widowed.

15 million: Number of unmarried Americans 65 and older. These older Americans comprise
16 percent of all unmarried and single people 18 and older.

86: Number of unmarried men 18 and older for every 100 unmarried women in the United States.

50.7 million: Number of households maintained by unmarried men or women. These households comprise 44 percent of households nationwide.

30.5 million: Number of people who live alone. They comprise 27 percent of all households, up from 17 percent in 1970.

35%: Percentage of births in the last 12 months, as of 2006, to women who either were separated, widowed, divorced or never married. Of these 1.5 million unmarried mothers, 199,000 were living with an unmarried partner.

12.9 million: Number of single parents living with their children in 2006. Of these, 10.4 million were single mothers.

733,000: Number of unmarried grandparents who were caregivers for their grandchildren in 2006. They comprised about three in 10 grandparents who were responsible for their grandchildren.

6 million: Number of unmarried-partner households in 2006. These include 5.2 million of the opposite sex and 780,000 of the same sex.

904: The number of dating service establishments nationwide as of 2002. These establishments, which include Internet dating services, employed nearly 4,300 people and generated $489 million in revenues.

36%: Percentage of voters in the 2004 presidential election who were unmarried.

83%: Percentage of unmarried people 25 and older in 2007 who were high school graduates.

24%: Percentage of unmarried people 25 and older in 2007 with a bachelor's degree or more education.

Ad shocking ... in a good way

2008-09-09T14:48:00.001-04:00

I was bored and flipping through the TV channels when I saw a commercial that made my jaw drop. It was for Trojan's Vibrating Touch, a fingertip massager that ... ahem, gives women pleasure.

It wasn't the massager that shocked me, but the fact that there was a commercial on television advertising it. Sure, it was almost 2 in the morning, but the ad was on AMC, no less! (I would think Bravo or FX, but there it was ...)

A tasteful commercial is a leap forward in taking some of the mystery and stigma away from sex toys. Trojan has done a nice job of mainstreaming sexual aids with its Elexa line for women, and this toy is a logical step. I think it's great that more women and couples can see, even if it's on late-night cable TV, that not only is it OK to be interested in sex toys, but you can have attractive and affordable ones of your own. And that no, it doesn't make you a perv!

'Tis the (football) season

2008-09-05T14:27:00.002-04:00

My favorite season is finally here: Football Season! It's about time -- I've been entirely too productive on Sundays. Now painting the kitchen will have to wait until February.

I have the luxury of a girlfriend who also loves football. Nothing's perfect, though; she's from Pennsylvania and a Philadelphia Eagles fan and I grew up a Dallas Cowboys fan. If you know anything about football, you know those teams mix like oil and water. I know I'm not alone in this situation so I've got a few tips to help get through the season.

Find some common ground and cheer for the home team. What would I do without the Panthers? We can both scream and cheer without penalty and check the scores of favorite teams at commercial breaks. And if your team plays a late game, there's a chance your spouse will be passed out in a pool of beer and nachos by then.

Join a Fantasy Football league that both of you can be in. Playing god with football players is fun. Trade 'em, start 'em, sit 'em ... you'll get more familiar with the game this way. Plus, it's kind of a turn-on when your girlfriend rattles off stats about San Diego's defense. (Is that weird?) Try to pick up a player from your partner's favorite team so maybe you can stomach watching them play. All it takes is one fantasy kicker to make an uninteresting game worthwhile.

Just accept it. It may have broken my dad's heart to tell him I'm dating a Philly fan, but I'm not gonna dump her because of it. (If she was a Patriots fan, maybe.) Team apparel makes for a good birthday gift and traveling to watch either of your teams play makes for a great weekend getaway. Last year my girlfriend bought me tickets to watch KU play in the Orange Bowl at Miami. That was an awesome gift idea!

Hopefully, my advice will help. You can apply it to almost any other sport, too. If you don't think it's possible for rivalry couples to prevail, a friend from Chicago recently married his Green Bay lovin' girlfriend. So, yes, differences can be set aside.

10 date night ideas under $15

2008-08-21T23:33:00.006-04:00

Unless you're a believer in the "no dating" method of saving money, here are some recession-proof date night ideas, courtesy of The Nest (www.thenest.com). Yeah, they're cheesy, but they'll help you think cheap.

FIESTA NIGHT
Here's an idea for some delicious and caliente amusement.

— Novelty sombreros: $10
— Chips and salsa: $5
— Doing the Mexican Hat Dance naked in said novelty sombreros: hilarious
Total: $15

KICKBALL
Positioning you and your sweetie on opposing teams makes for an excellent grudge match and great make-up sex later on.

— Kickball: $5
— Big grassy field: free
— BYOB: whatever you've got at the house
— Cotton T-shirts and markers (clearly you need team jerseys): $2/each if you get at least 12
— Losers buy the pizza: makes things much more interesting
Total: around $10/person

ROMANTIC ITALIAN MEAL
While it's odd to say that dogs once epitomized romance, we loved the scene at the Italian restaurant in “Lady and the Tramp.” Skip the pricey pasta and opt for the cheaper (and cheesier!) pizza instead. Kissing isn't optional.

— 2 slices of pizza: $5
— 2 glasses of wine: $4
— Ice cream for 2: $6
Total: $15

FASHION SHOW
She loves “Project Runway” for the fashion and drama, he loves it for, well, Heidi Klum. Combine your passion for fashion and fun and then take it all off at home.

— Trying on ridiculous outfits at a vintage store: free
— Disposable camera: $6
— Incriminating pictures: priceless
Total: $6

MOVIE NIGHT
Miss the wild abandon of your college days? Have the gang over for beers and movie but save the make out session for later.

— Renting “Old School”: $5
— Inviting your friends over: free
— Going really old school and having people throw in beer money at the door: awesome
— Going streaking through the quad: optional
— Popcorn for 20: $10
Total: $15

WATCHING THE SUN SET
Like our love lives, it's easy to overlook the beautiful things that happen around us everyday. Watch the sun go down and then share a kiss under the stars.

— Blanket to sit on: $6
— Sunglasses: $2/each at your local drugstore
— Lemonade: $1/each
Total: $12

POETRY NIGHT
When it's done right, poetry can express love like no other medium. Remember Byron's “She walks in beauty like night?” Well, bad poetry can be just as evocative and downright hilarious.

— Berets: $10
— Espresso: $5
— Trying to out-do one another with cheesy, horrific poetry about your love for one another: awesome
Total: $15

PEOPLE-WATCHING, AKA ‘CREATE YOUR OWN MOVIE'
Not all dates have to be steamy! Simply spending time together is what dating is all about. Pick a beautiful day to sit on a bench in a park and marvel at the wonders and freaks! of nature.

— Bottle of wine: $8
— Plastic cups: $3
— Bench: free
— Marveling at the wonders of the public: more fun than you think
Total: $11

SILLY SEX NIGHT
We'll let the Wikipedia entry for edible underwear speak for itself on this one: “Edible underwear is a type of undergarment that is formed of an edible material which can be consumed by the partner during sexual activity. In this case, pleasure is heightened by undressing the partner with the mouth. However, this sort of underwear is often given as a gag to friends …”

— Edible panties: $6
— Kama Sutra booklet: $5
— Keeping information about the number of positions you try to yourselves: please do
Total: $11

TAKE A BATH TOGETHER
Hot tubs are overrated! There's fun to be had in your very own bathroom. Rub-a-dub-dub, keep it sexy in the tub.

— Luxurious bath soap and salts: $8
— Back-massaging Loofah: $5
— Getting clean and being dirty at the same time: sexy
Total: $13

High school, 20 years later

2008-08-15T13:44:00.002-04:00

When I walked into my 20-year high school reunion over the weekend, I almost immediately saw one of my best friends from the era. He's rail thin and (maybe) comes up to my shoulder. He ignored my delighted hello and took my purse away from me and tossed it on a nearby table. While I was asking about my purse, he snatched me into his arms, whipped my protesting body down into a dramatic dip, aaaaand ... he slipped and dropped me on the floor.

Deirdre McGruder, welcome to your reunion!!

The accident happened early enough in the evening that not many people saw it, and even so, I wasn't really upset. In a perverse sort of way, it wouldn't have been my reunion if something potentially horrific hadn't occurred.

The rest of the night went well, big crowd. (True confession time: I had hoped that one guy in particular would show up, but he didn't. It was probably for the best.) My class turned out interestingly enough -- we had a pro football player who played in a Super Bowl, a Navy deep-sea diver, a guy who moved to New Orleans to help with Katrina recovery, at least one recovering drug addict, a former stripper, and one dude who came out after college and brought his partner with him. (They wore matching shirts and by the end of the evening I was doing the bump with the partner out on the dance floor.) The women aged remarkably well; the men, not so much. People milled about, high school cliques for the most part ignored.

Here's the weird thing: I was at the bar when the guy voted "still the class clown" that night came up with the guy who was voted "cutest" back in high school (he held up fabulously, BTW -- still cute). Turns out I was standing next to the cute guy's wife. They both joked about how the wife had to be careful with me, because I was mean -- I was painfully shy in high school and cold indifference was my defense mechanism, but I was still surprised that's how they remembered me. We were all laughing when the cutie leaned in to his wife.

"Here's the weird thing," he said as put he put a hand on my shoulder. "We never spoke in high school. I knew her name, I knew who she was, but we never said a word to each other."

"That was your fault!" I protested, still laughing.

His smile faded as he straightened and looked into my eyes. "It was both our faults."

I opened my mouth for a smart-aleck retort, and closed it just as quickly. "You're right," I finally said, because it was true. A simple "hi" from either of us back then and we might've been friends.

Later, I was talking to the chick voted "best looking" 20 years ago. We weren't in the same social circle then, but we chatted easily now. When I mentioned her class title, she shook her head and said, "I don't know what people saw back then." She was beautiful then and is just as beautiful now, but didn't seem to believe it. Isn't it amazing that we sometimes see ourselves so differently than others see us?

When the reunion went more than an hour past its scheduled time, I decided to skip the after-parties and opted for late-night eats back in my hotel room. While I enjoyed seeing everyone, I'd had my fill. I also knew nothing good would come of more alcohol and memories.

Turns out I was correct. My friend -- the one who dropped me at the beginning of the evening -- called me in the morning to fill me in. The party crowd moved on to a bar, closed it down, then transferred to a dance club. As the night wore on, people grew maudlin and wistful. The girl voted most likely to succeed in high school had repeatedly (and unsuccessfully) hit on the guy voted "most changed" that night; he was a former geek who'd morphed into a laid-back, good looking man comfortable in his own skin. She was later seen crying on a street corner, reluctant to say goodbye to old friends. The (ex) stripper, surgically altered, deeply tanned and obviously high, kept referring to a former band nerd as her "reunion boyfriend." The ex-band nerd was married, but didn't bring his wife. They were walked to their respective cars to make sure they didn't leave together. As my friend put it: "maybe you don't want to throw away 10 years of a marriage for a shot at the girl you couldn't have in high school."

Or maybe you do and need to be saved from yourself.

People at the reunion were at different stages in their lives, and some needed it more than others. Many were curious and just wanted to see how we'd all turned out. I count myself in that group. It was nice to visit the past for an evening ... but even nicer to return to the life I have now!

Facebook, MySpacers 'can't form relationships'?

2008-08-14T12:51:00.008-04:00

I stumbled upon this article on a message board. It made me curious:

Facebook and MySpace generation 'cannot form relationships'

Here's an excerpt.

Dr. Himanshu Tyagi, a psychiatrist at West London Mental Health Trust, said social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace have fostered the idea that relationships and friendships can be formed and destroyed quickly and easily.

"... It's a world where everything moves fast and changes all the time, where relationships are quickly disposed at the click of a mouse, where you can delete your profile if you don't like it and swap an unacceptable identity in the blink of an eye for one that is more acceptable.

"People used to the quick pace of online social networking may soon find the real world boring and unstimulating, potentially leading to more extreme behaviour to get that sense."

He said teenagers who socialise online put less value on their "real world" selves which puts them at risk of impulsive and even suicidal behaviour. They may be less able to form relationships as they do not learn the physical clues involved with communication including body language, tone of voice and facial expressions.

That last sentence really spoke to me because it's one of the main reasons I don't like online dating sites. Not only do you not know who you're talking to, but you can't see the effect your words have on them and they can't see how what they say effects you.

The article isn't all doom and gloom; for example, online communication can strip away geographical boundaries and there's less discrimination as race, gender and wealth have less meaning. But still ...

What do you think? Are online networking sites chipping away at our ability to communicate?

Edwards mess: People really think like this?

2008-08-11T20:21:00.004-04:00

After returning from a trip down to Alabama this weekend for my 20-year high school reunion (I'll fill you in on that later), I was cleaning out my e-mail when I came across this from a co-worker:

"This is one of the comments on the Edwards story," she wrote. "It disgusts me."

Here's the comment:

"Big deal. The guy got a little outside action. I'm sure he loves his wife and kid and he is concerned about his wife's medical condition. Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife, just don't bring any STDs or unwanted babies home. I'm sure he paid the woman money, paid her rent, gave her hush money, etc. I'm sure she knew he was married. Get all you can Mr. Edwards, just be a little more careful next time."

Get all you can, Mr. Edwards? Are you kidding me?

I want someone to please explain this statement to me: "Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife." How can there be nothing wrong with betraying the trust of someone you supposedly love?

Readers, do you agree with this commenter? Is cheating on your spouse OK, as long as you don't bring home diseases and babies ... and you don't get caught?

Unsafe sex 'the new engagement ring'?

2008-08-06T16:13:00.005-04:00

Hey, guys! I'm back from mourning the blog loss (sob!) of Alisha Hord, co-founder of We Can Relate. She has moved on to another gig, as most of us are wont to do, and I wish her and her hubby Richard all the best. Peace out, sister.

And now I've returned with lots of stuff for us to talk about! Let's start with a little day brightener (NOT!), courtesy of Trendcentral.com:

"Pendarvis Harshaw, an Oakland (Calif.)-based teen, recently sparked a slew of controversy with his public radio essay which stated that in his social circle, 'sex without a condom is the new engagement ring.' "

Yeah, parents. Shudder at the thought. Trendcentral continues:

"(Harshaw) said that for a generation who has grown up with safe sex education and divorced parents, the real symbol of trust, love and commitment has nothing to do with walking down the aisle; the ultimate oath is letting your guard down in the face of potentially life-long consequences. While we don't condone this behavior, or claim that such activity is true across the board (hey, the Jonas Brothers are still wearing their purity rings), we have been hearing from young people that safety and protection -- both physical and emotional -- are the issues that concern them most about relationships and dating."

Man, oh man, oh man.

Just because those cute Jonas Brothers boys wear those rings, that doesn't stop them from being the biggest gigolos on Nickelodeon. They probably aren't, but I'm just sayin'. And once again, I'm thankful not to be the parent of a teenager, because that has got to be the hardest job there is. How do you convince a 16-year-old in the throes of first love that using condoms IS the best way to express that love? Not only are you protecting yourself, but your beloved from unplanned pregnancies and STDs. (Have you seen this week's news about AIDS? And NPR's "Talk of the Nation" had a segment yesterday that'll make you want to go get an HIV test right now. Remember: It's not how much sex you've had, but who you've had sex with. Public Service Announcement over.)

I believe that safety and protection are the issues that most concern teens about dating and relationships; after all, they're pressing issues for us adults as well. But having unprotected sex -- at no matter what age -- flies in the face of such concerns. You're just opening yourself up to a whole new mess of worries.

My parting words for my last blog

2008-07-29T09:30:00.002-04:00

Almost two years ago, Deirdre and I started "We Can Relate."

The title of my first entry was: "My parting words for my first blog."

The title for this one? Seems logical to go with "last blog."

Sunday was my final day as a journalist with Charlotte.com and The Charlotte Observer.

I've moved on to a new job -- I'm now an Associate News Editor for Sportingnews.com -- and with my new gig comes the issue of saying goodbye to this blog and to the loyal readers who kept us on our toes and fed us with some great insight into their own relationship struggles, moments and victories.

I cannot give you all hugs (big embraces rock) and I cannot write each of you a personal letter (hand-written notes rule), but I can say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Oh, and if you read my very first blog (see link above), then this should make sense:

I love you, Charlotte.

If you left, what would you take?

2008-07-21T15:30:00.000-04:00

While I was out for a walk today I listened to a podcast of NPR's "Fresh Air," featuring an interview with Rhett Miller, singer and songwriter for the band Old 97's.

During the interview, host Terry Gross asked Miller to recall his experiences on Sept. 11, 2001. Miller and his wife lived only a couple blocks from the Twin Towers in New York. Miller described going up to his apartment building's rooftop and seeing the first tower on fire, and people falling from above. He and his wife rushed back down to their apartment, only to be engulfed in smoke when that building fell. They managed to get away just before the second building fell, then, two months later, were allowed back into their apartment for five minutes as a National Guardsman watched from the doorway, machine gun in hand. Miller described his wife standing their closet holding six or seven pairs of high heels, crying. She was overwhelmed, and couldn't decide which pairs to take. Miller reminded her there was a man with a gun waiting on them and grabbed his guitar.

The interview got me thinking: If I had to leave my house in a hurry, what would I take? The first two things that popped into my mind were my cat, which didn't surprise me, and my passport, which did. But then it didn't. There are family keepsakes I would mourn the loss of, but most items -- clothes, furniture, etc. -- can be replaced. I've never really been big on collecting photographs or souvenirs; memories of life experiences are more important to me. So the gut reaction of grabbing my passport reinforces how important the ability to travel and gather more life experiences is to me.

What about you? If you had to leave NOW, other than your purse/wallet and family members, what would you take with you?

Perfecting the art of cuddling

2008-07-15T13:02:00.000-04:00

A little quibble that my husband and I seem to have ... OK, OK, it's more an issue I constantly bring up (happy, dear?), is the fact we don't cuddle when we're asleep.

We have a king-sized bed, and every morning I find myself on the Antarctica side of the bed while he's camped out in Greenland territory. I've always thought it romantic to wake up in the arms of my husband, but alas, it just never happens.

In my search to see if cuddling is an issue in most relationships, I dug up this comical YouTube video (above) on the "art" of cuddling.

Do most of you couples out there fall asleep and then wake up with arms and legs interlocked? Or, are my husband and I not alone when it comes to waking up facing opposing bedroom walls?