Alisha: So I'm at the age where it feels like everyone is getting married. Next year, I have three weddings lined up. One thing I've been wondering (and no, this doesn't apply to any of the three upcoming nuptials): What if I think a friend's fiancee just is not "The One," and she should dump him before they say "I do"?
Deirdre: Wow. That's a tough one. On one hand, your (hypothetical) friend is a grown-up and capable of making her own decisions. On the other, you might see something she doesn't.
Alisha: Exactly. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but surely she would take that as a friend looking after her friend. I worry I'd come across as prying into their personal life. Is there really an easy to way to say, "Hey, your boyfriend is a creep and downright slob?"
Deirdre: I had a situation once where a friend had a complete boor of a boyfriend. No one in our shared social circle liked him or understood why she stayed. She'd even said some things that made us feel she might be thinking along the same lines, but she stuck with him. Meanwhile, the more we were around him, the more obvious his jerkness became.
Deirdre: We'd all been wondering how to talk to her about this dude. I'm the most blunt person in our group (surprise!) and my friends are used to my straight-shootin' ways. So one night I just told her no one liked her boyfriend and we were worried about her.
Alisha: See, that's where you and I differ. I just don't have the gonads to be as upfront as you are. How did your friend respond?
Deirdre: She laughed off my comments at the time, but she broke up with him before too long. She just had to do it when she was ready.
Alisha: And you can't really say "I told you so" after it's over, or can you?
Deirdre: Oh, no way! How cruel would that be? We just let her know in subtle ways we were relieved she'd made the decision. I mean, the dude was getting possessive and dangerous. And I'm happy to say that she is now engaged to an AWESOME guy.
Alisha: [Sigh] Ah, we love happy endings! [Snap to reality] But happy endings don't happen all the time. I wish we could protect our friends from the losers. Though, really, it's often much easier to scrutinize someone's faults than to praise the positives.
Alisha: So we're obviously not talking about just random folks. What you're saying is, it would need to be a good friend, not just an acquaintance?
Deirdre: Yes. My closest friends are my extended family. We take care of each other and trust each other. And if one of those friends tells me something troubling about a man I'm dating, I take them seriously because I know they have my best interest at heart. The problem is, most of us know people who might not be so noble. They might actually do or say something just to cause pain. So you do have to consider the source.
Alisha: Good advice. There are so-called friends who could be secretly pining over your significant other, so it is a wise move to consider the source. I wonder how many people would actually take someone else's advice? I would listen to my friend's advice, but I also know when you're in love, it's hard to just walk away.
Deirdre: Personally, I would want to know. It's hard to walk away, but it's also hard to ignore information people are giving you because they are concerned about your well-being. I think it's best to give the person that information and they can do with it what they will. And you would need to have proof, not just a hunch. They may choose their mate over you (I've had that happen as well), but ultimately, it's their decision.
Alisha: I hear what you're saying. I'm just torn on the subject. I keep thinking about my friends who are engaged. Hypothetically speaking, if I went to one of them right now and said, "you cannot marry that person," I feel like I would lose out on a good friend. On the other hand, I feel like my friend should know how I feel. Gosh ... you make it sound so easy, but it's just not that way, I'm afraid. If it were, don't you think the divorce rate might be a tad lower?
Deirdre: I would never say "you cannot marry that person." No one has a right to make such a pronouncement about someone else's life. But I would say "I'm telling you this because I love you and I'm concerned for you and I have reservations about your man. Here's why ..." If your friend knows you are coming from a place of love, and they are confident enough in themselves and your friendship, they will listen to you.
Monday, December 18, 2006
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7 comments:
I'm assuming the S.O. is doing or has done something really bad. Otherwise you are sticking you nose where is doesn't belong. Sometimes personalities clash. If the S.O. is into sci-fi or model building or bottle collecting and this is why you think he's a loser, keep it to yourself. If he hit on you or you find out he is into drugs then let your friend know. I know some people that would be surprised to find out that not everyone cares what they think. Most of the time those people would be much better off being quiet.
I agree- unless he is a habitual drug user, a beater or a womanizer (who has been caught while dating your friend), then keep your mouth shut. You don't have to live with that person, she does. And who he represents himself to be to you may not be who is really is with your friend. And no one says the three of you have to be best friends, you just have to tolerate him every once in awhile.
Sounds like two people adamant about staying with idiotic exes, when their friends keep telling them what retards they are for doing so. I've had friends tell me someone I was dating was no good, and they were absolutely right. And typically the ones that get the seal of approval tend to be good people to date. My friends know who I am as well as anyone, and can absolutely make that judgement. And what kind of weirdo changes their personality like the second commenter suggests?
No wonder so many hillbillies down south have such high divorce rates compared to other parts of the country. In your zeal to get hitched so young (again, compared to the rest of the country) you don't stop to really consider if the person you're with is right for you, and you don't want to hear the truth from your friends, nor do you seem willing to speak the truth to your friends when the shoe is on the other foot. Geez, with friends like that, who needs enemies?
My point about the guy being someone different around you versus their girlfriend is that SOME people are shy, SOME people are not good in social situations, and SOME people could give a hoot about what YOU think about them. Deep inside, you know if the person you're dating is a total loser, you don't need your friends beating you over the head with the information. It's a decision and an issue you have to deal with yourself, your friends don't live your life.
And by the way, I am from the NORTH. And I see more people in the town where I grew up getting divorced than I ever have in the South, where I have lived for over 10 years now.
Kathryn
Anonymous at 3:19am. You appear to be one of those people who think everyone not only needs to hear but also cares what you think. You would have been much better off to have kept you rude rambling to yourself. You apparently have a huge problem with the south. My problem with all the damn yankees is that they think everyone wants to know their opinion and that their opinion is always best. Please notice that you are attacking other people you don't know because their opinion differs from your's. A true sign of an arrogant idiot!!!
Being shy and quiet is much different than coming off like a jerk or worse. There is a major difference, and one people can usually pick up on. And if deep inside you know (as if your perception of things would ever be shaded by what you want to feel, rather than the facts) someone is a loser, why would you stick around? Yet some people do. Sometimes it takes a good pal to give you a metaphorical whack upside the head.
As for my comments on the divorce rates, there again, perception meets reality. I've known, sadly, far too many people north of the Mason-Dixon that have gotten divorced too. But if you look at actual statistics, actual divorce rates by geography, you'll see the most frequently divorced people hail from your neck of the woods. Too many people rushing into it with the wrong person, and sometimes I'm sure, friends sat idly by when their opinion was needed. And I'd rather hear an opinion I didn't necessarily like than go through life not hearing a different viewpoint. Why be so closeminded?
They say, "Love is blind," and I know what it's like to be crazy about a man my friends don't like, and find myself defending him against their comments, sort of like, "You and me against the world." Of course, later on, the fog clears, and I then see what it was they didn't like. But because I know what it's like to be in that situation, I try to be sensitive to my friend's feelings if she is dating someone I don't think is right for her. I feel like, she's a grown woman, she can make up her own mind, and she will wake up and see the light. (Of course, I'm talking about being an arrogant jerk or cheater, not abuse where her life is in danger...that requires some intervention.) And as her friend, I'll be there for her, giving a shoulder for her to cry on. Now, IF she goes back to him, that's a whole 'nother story. She hasn't learned her lesson, and you really do need to speak up. What she chooses to do is up to her, but that's a case where she needs to hear a voice of reason.
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