Thursday, April 19, 2007

My boy friend has a girlfriend

My best male friend lives here in Charlotte. In a weird twist of fate, we knew each other for years in California and then moved to Charlotte, totally independent of each other, about six weeks apart.

It's been awesome having him here. He's become the big brother I never had. He knows things about me my husband, if I ever get married, will probably never know. We supported each other through our homesickness for California, and have learned about Charlotte together. He's always been there when I needed him, and I hope I've been able to fulfill the same role for him.

Here's the thing: Now he's got a girlfriend. Our relationship has totally changed.

I'm sure it was gradual, but "suddenly," it seemed, he wasn't home when I called, 'cause he was with his girlfriend. And if he was home, I couldn't come over to hang out because he was on his way out to meet the girlfriend. Dinner tonight? Sorry, already having dinner with the girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled for him. I know how much finding a woman to care about means to him; we've had long discussions late into the night about relationships and what we want out of them. I've listened to tale after horrible (and hilarious) tale about his hit-and-mostly-miss dating life. So when he met this chick and they clicked, I was totally stoked. (And before you think it, NO, I'm not interested in him romantically. He's like my brother, remember? Are you attracted to your brother? Didn't think so.)

I was happy, but still ... the diva in me was pouting. And she came out in the tackiest way possible: On my cell phone, as I waited to catch a flight at the airport.

We were chatting along when he mentioned his girl, and I couldn't stop myself. By this time I was feeling neglected and had been stewing over it for a couple days.

"I'm upset!" I blurted out. And at that point, there was no turning back. I told him how I felt, eavesdropping passengers be damned. (From now on I may cut people having difficult cell conversations some slack, because lord knows I didn't mean to air my dirty laundry.) I told him I realized I had gotten used to having him at my beck and call, and the transition was hard for me. I told him I was happy for him in his new relationship, and I understood we would be spending less time together, but that I also didn't want him to forget our friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and was glad I confided in him. He said even though he had a new woman in his life, no one would ever take my place in his heart. He promised that we would still spend time together.

He's been true to his word. Now if he doesn't hear from me, he calls every few days just to check in. We still have dinners and long conversations, but we've gotten better at scheduling them. Our friendship isn't as spontaneous as it used to be, but our time together is quality time.

The diva in me is satisfied.


Anonymous said...

What a sad, sad person you are.

You're transferring all of the emotional needs you should be getting/giving/receiving from/to your HUSBAND onto your boy "friend".

The day you stopped giving/sharing these things with your husband, was the day you stopped having one.

God, I hope you didn't have kids.

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected.

I mis-read your original post to mean you were, indeed, married.

I apologize.

Now that that's over - my advice?

Find a man.

Anonymous said...

I think you feelings are completely justified and you handled it in the right way. Everyone who has had a meaningful platonic relationship with a person of the opposite sex has had an experience similar to this. And at some point, you'll be on the flip side and you'll know how to handle it when your guy buddy is missing your company.

Anonymous said...

Geez leave him alone he has a chick. At least stopping having dinners together. When you finally get a man do you want him having dinners with another chick? Or having deep conversations about your relationship? Probally not... Life is tough but it comes a time to cut loose....and RESPECT..Oh what happened to that word these days...

Anonymous said...'re certainly bordering on being a psycho there. Maybe there was a reason he became more distant (he's not that interested in you). Leave the guy alone; i'm sure his girlfriend would prefer it that way too. Sad.

Anonymous said...

See that is exactly why I don't believe in male-female platonic relationships. Perfect example.

Anonymous said...

The question is would Deirdre respond this way to a "close" female friend who found her soul mate? My guess it has less to do with the "guy" aspect of it and more to do with the "friend" expectation aspect.

Here's a good opportunity to grow with your friend and celebrate his happiness.

You know what they say, though: Misery loves company.

pearl said...

One of my best friends now was a female friend of my husband's before we met. She is a wonderful person who has embraced me as an individual and is thrilled that I was not jealous of her friendship when he and I were first dating. She has introduced us to her good friends and family and I am a richer person for knowing her. (she and I always talk about how rare this is between women, though)

Deirdre, I hope your friend wants you to meet his girlfriend and that you two are lucky enough to build a friendship like the one I have now. Then when you have a significant other, the 4 of you will have a blast socializing together.

Why not invite them over to your place for dinner? Friendship is a two-way street. It's not just about whether he thinks to "check in" with you. It's also about what a loyal, supportive friend you can be to *him*. Treat him like family and extend yourself--you might be pleasantly surprised to discover a new friend. :-)

Anonymous said...

your behavior does sound a controlling and ... needy.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I can relate to both sides of this situation. When my older brother got a new girlfriend and stopped hanging out with me, I got upset. I shouldn't have been, but I was. I missed our time together. And then my girl friends got upset with me when I got a boyfriend and we couldn't spontaneously hang out anymore. So, Deirdre is not a needy diva. She's just human.

Anonymous said...

Oh just sleep with him and get it over with. You know that you're secretly lusting over him. Maybe they'll let you join them for a nasty nasty three way!

Anonymous said...

If they agree to the three-way, let me know so I can watch.

Anonymous said...

Yea I agree despite her denying lusting for him. Her temper tantrum said it all.

Anonymous said...

I thought I could be bias here but that was a VERY short term thought. pity here girl! I have the same problem but the shoe is on the other foot. My husband has a female friend that has known him prior to our getting together. She cornered me at my FIRST function with my husband(then boyfriend) WHILE HE WAS IN THE BATHROOM telling me how special he was to her and that he is always there when she needs him. Bringing her soup and chocolates when she's sick or feeling down. Taking her out regularily...blah blah the list continues. As soon as he came out..she disappears and doesn't even look my direction the rest of the night. I was ticked and couldn't think of why?! It's now four years later and YES...I am putting a halt to this crap. Last Thursday she asks him to come over and fix something and can he bring a movie over for her. Obviously, that never happened because I got a little tired of being SO DAMN ACCOMODATING. So, forgive if this is harsh. BUT GETTING A FREAKING LIFE or A BOYFRIEND...or a DOG! Which ever comes first! I have no sympathy for social retardedness! Can't believe that there are such selfish females out there.

Anonymous said...