Can't the sex wait?

A reader (I'll call him Single Black Male -- SBM) writes:

"Black male: 41, straight, never married, no kids, gainfully employed, homeowner, disease-free, social drinker, non-smoker, physically fit. What about the male perspective of being single and wanting to be in a relationship, but meeting a lot of princesses who turn out to be frogs?

"I meet very successful women through my business, church, socially, etc. As a man who has standards and values, you would think that being up-front about this would be welcomed. However, it has been my experience that many women are so conditioned to receiving or meeting men who are only interested in one thing, if you will, that when they meet a man who is interested in more, you are looked upon as strange or with a 'what's wrong with you?' attitude. Many of the women I meet do not value themselves and are in a rush to jump into bed. If you tell a women that we should wait, you get the gay label.

"Not that I have a walls up, but I am guarded about who I allow into my life. Is it too much to ask that we get to know each other first before we enter into a physical relationship?"

Listen, SBM, one of my closest friends told me he went to a club with some pals. He asked a woman to dance, and when they got out on the floor, she proceeded to "back that thang up." When he didn't respond by putting his hands on her and instead tried to put a respectful distance between them, she gave him one of those "what's wrong with you?" looks. That was the end of that.

I've heard stories like yours, and my friend's, so many times, from men and women. People try to rush the physical side of things for a myriad of reasons. Some might have a strong sex drive and genuinely just want to get laid. Some might equate sex with love. Some might tie their sexual attractiveness to their likability as a person. If you don't want to do them, a defense mechanism kicks in and to keep their self-esteem intact, something has to be wrong with you. In our mixed-signaled, sex-drenched culture, it's hard to not take this dating stuff too personally.

Most people do what they do because they think that's what it takes to get what they want ... if that makes sense. Some women think that to get a man they have to be sexually aggressive, or some men think they have to be "macho" to win a woman's initial respect. The trick is to find someone who's only willing to go as far as you're willing to go.

SBM, it sounds like you've been through a bad stretch of meeting women who aren't compatible. These low periods happen to us all, but trust me: there are plenty of women out there who want to know a man before they know him. Don't stop looking.