Is this the season of love?

Alisha: Today's forecast is projected to reach a high of 80 degrees. Thank goodness the warm weather is here, and with that, so is the perfect environment for love. Dontcha think?
Deirdre: Of course! I think there's something to that phrase, "spring fever." I know I've been feeling almost giddy lately. And have you looked around? People can't wait to get naked! Well, to at least wear fewer clothes.
Alisha: That's true ... I had almost forgotten what halter tops looked like till I saw five women wearing them as they walked down East Boulevard Thursday afternoon. Here's how I'd break down the seasons: Spring is a good time to start looking for a date, summer is when the hook-ups happen, fall is for either making the relationship last or ending it, and winter -- it's all about drinking something warm and snuggling up to someone.
Deirdre: Girl, I'm for looking and hooking and cuddling all year 'round! But spring is a special time. I think the longer and brighter days play a big part. We all just want to be ... out more. We've roused from hibernation, just like other animals. My cousin, who lived in Alaska for years, said that once spring arrived, everyone was walking around staring at everyone else, because they'd all been bundled up through winter and weren't used to seeing so much skin.
Alisha: I like the hibernation comparison -- it reminds me I need to shave my legs more often. Ha!
Deirdre: And get a pedicure! I started to put on sandals today, then noticed the sad state of my feet. Even my cat was like, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." If you're gonna start showing more skin, that skin better be worth showing!
Alisha: Readers, do you think all the warm rays and the lack of clothing gets you in the mood to seek out love, or would you rather find your potential mate in the dead of winter inbetween cuddling sessions?

Stogies, stilettos and sex -- at church!

Alisha: Deirdre and I did something we've never done together ... We went to church!
Deirdre: My mom would be so pleased! But we were on a mission: To check out the "Stogies and Stilettos" series at Watershed, a church community that meets at Actor's Theatre in uptown Charlotte. The five-week series purports to help attendants better understand the opposite sex.
Alisha: We were intrigued to uncover how the church would integrate uncensored conversation on relationships into its theological mission. It was interesting, indeed. I especially enjoyed the video montage that included funny - and very much on-cue - phrases about the differences between men and women. Here's one from American writer Oliver Herford, "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
Deirdre: HA! And I liked the funny scene from "Hitch," the flick where "date doctor" Will Smith helps dudes score the ladies they want. I was surprised to see cute quotes and a film clip in "church." But I dug it -- and I'm sure that was the whole point.
Alisha: I was shocked a church would name such a series, "Stogies and Stilettos." The concept was refreshing -- there was a good mix of religion, where you felt as though you had really been to church, and at the same time, there was a hearty dose of realism about sexuality and how we engage each other in day-to-day interaction. It was preachy yet relaxed, and modern yet traditional.
Deirdre: I agree, but I will say I hoped for more on the topic. The first week's program was entitled "X & Y," and while I came away with the basic message -- that we should be good to each other and take care of each other, and while it's totally cool to admire another person's beauty, lust is NOT cool, because it's all about what that person can do for you and that's it -- I wanted more substance.
Alisha: You summed up my thoughts to a tee. The church is planning on four more messages in this series, and I hope they delve more into the topic because obviously a church planning to discuss sex freely was enough to get us to attend.
Deirdre: Well, one of the co-pastors said conversations over the series would get "raw." I'm sure it'll come nowhere near what we'd consider raw, but the very fact a church community is willing to explore communication issues between the sexes is a welcome event. It never would've happened in the church I grew up in, that's for sure.
Alisha: Just make sure you know there is prayer, Scripture readings, and hymns, so if you go expecting just a Mars vs. Venus speech -- you're in for a big surprise.

If she's drunk, does she really like you?

Alisha: It's easy to get signals crossed, and I've recently heard some guys complain about women they have met at parties and bars who have given out their phone numbers and then days later when the guys call, the chicks do not remember a thing. I feel for the guys on this one. Under the influence of some drinks, I think women are definitely more flirtatious, more touchy-feely and give off the gotta-have-you-right-this-minute vibe.
Deirdre: I think it's amazing your friends reached the chicks at all. I've known plenty of women who give out fake numbers or if they give out the real one, they make sure to never answer the phone.
Alisha: But if you're drunk, it's much easier to blab out the real digits instead of a fake one, no?
Deirdre: True. It's also much easier to not think about the consequences when you're drunk.
Alisha: Good point. The guys just wanna know how to tell if a woman is being flirty because she really likes them or being flirty because Captain Morgan is what's making her warm inside.
Deirdre: Heh -- or being flirty because they're buying the Captain Morgans. I gotta say, some women just like to knock back a few drinks and flex their feminine power by getting their flirt on. They want to practice, but not play ball ... and that's hard to recognize when you're screaming to be heard over Soulja Boy in a crowded club.
Alisha: My best advice for the guys who have been hit on by a tipsy gal and aren't sure if a legit interest exists would be to recognize the situation for what it is and let the chips fall where they may. If her flirting was the real deal, odds are good she'll find you -- post-hangover or not.
Deirdre: Something else to keep in mind: Don't get your hopes up too high. You both might get an unpleasant shock if you meet again in a more "sober" light.

Check this out: True Wife Confessions

Deirdre: A friend of mine turned me on to a Web site: True Wife Confessions (warning: graphic content). She's married and visits the site to see what other women are saying about their relationships. It's an intense site. Now that you've seen it, what do you think?
Alisha: W.O.W. Just spending 10 minutes reading through some of those confessions has evoked all kinds of feelings: shock, empathy, sadness, relief and ... I could keep going.
Deirdre: I know. That's how I felt as well.
Alisha: I wonder how many of them are sincere confessions?
Deirdre: That was my big question. I think there's an unspoken agreement between bloggers and readers that the blogger is being truthful. I don't lie or embellish on our blog and you don't either. But we're journalists. It goes against our nature to lie (and there are more of us than there are Jayson Blairs in our profession). Many people on the blogsphere might not be so conscientious.
Alisha: Some of the entries seem to be a very accurate depiction of how much a relationship can be a roller coaster of good and bad times.
Deirdre: Yeah, but most of the comments aren't suitable for non-adults -- there's talk of unsatisfying sex lives, child custody issues, adultery, abortions, people falling out of love -- or for everyday conversation, either. So what I appreciate about the site is that it gives women a place to vent their pain, anger, shame when they may not feel comfortable sharing such information with family members, a therapist or a minister.
Alisha: On the flip side, the success of the site seems to be a sad commentary that some women don't feel they can communicate their deepest and darkest feelings with their partner. I'd love to know how many men read the site, and how many of those are the husbands, boyfriends and friends of these women who post "anonymous" confessions.
Deirdre: Me too! But chicks would have to tell their men to go look. Dudes doing Google searches for "wife" and "confessions" are probably looking for something in see-through lingerie and stripper heels, not sentences like "Right after we got married, I wanted to divorce you."
Alisha: True, but I'm thinking that men are much smarter than we give them credit for. Thanks for the introduction to the site. I suggest you bookmark it, gals!

Can friends-with-benefits work?

Deirdre: A friend of mine has a perennial argument with a male friend of hers: Can a man and woman (both single) have sex and then still be just friends?
Alisha: Gosh, when I first started typing my response, I had: "Easy answer. Yes." After more thought, it's much more complicated. It all depends on the people involved.
Deirdre: So true. When she put the question to me, I immediately thought of a particular man in my past. He once asked point-blank if I could have sex with him and remain friends. I wanted him very badly, so I immediately said of course I could. But he knew me better than I knew myself. We didn't do it ... and I'm glad we didn't. I realized later that I really wanted more from him than friendship. I think plenty of people could find themselves in the same predicament.
Alisha: But what you did is something a lot of people don't take the time to do, and that's a self-assessment of intent. If a person wants a relationship eventually, then those feelings will slowly manifest and ruin any chance of a friendship.
Deirdre: Um, I didn't do a self-assessment until after he'd decided for the both of us that the sex wasn't going to happen. I was willing to risk the friendship. And I can testify that when you really want someone, you'll convince yourself that anything is possible. That everything can be the way it was -- when maybe it won't be.
Alisha: I do think there are "successful" cases of men and women who can maintain a friends-with-benefits relationship.
Deirdre: OK, here's the rub: I know people who have friends they get together with to have sex. But that's as far as the friendship goes. They don't call each other just to say hi, or have dinner, or go to movies -- you know, the non-sexual stuff that friends do. Is that friends-with-benefits, or just friendly benefits?
Alisha: It's still friends-with-benefits. Unless you're just devoid of caring about other's feelings, I'd think you'd have to enjoy hanging around the person in order to have sex with them beyond a one-night stand.
Deirdre: While I believe as you do -- that it IS possible to have a sexual relationship within a friendship -- I have a hard time not believing that sooner or later, one of the two will want more. Isn't that human nature?
Alisha: It might be common for that "bond" to develop into something more, but I still say if both parties are completely honest about their feelings and intentions, then it's realistically possible two single people can have sex and just be friends.
Alisha: Age and maturity play important factors in this argument. I don't see two 18-year-olds lasting as just friends-with-benefits for a long time, whereas I could see two divorced fortysomethings being content with this particular setup for quite sometime.
Deirdre: Hmm. If I'm in my 40s and still unmarried, I'll let you know.

One heckuva dating quandary

Alisha: Relationships are all about give and take -- on many different levels. Here's an example: You've got two girls (or two guys) to decide on whether to start dating exclusively. One chick ranks as a 9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 (attractive, has great character, sound judgment, is honest, has the same values as you, etc.) -- except you're not sexually compatible whatsoever.
The other ranks as a 1.5 (not good looking, has character flaws, poor judgment, different values from yours, is untrustworthy, etc.), but it's the best sex you've ever had.
Who do you pick and why?
Deirdre: My gut reaction? Don't date either of them exclusively. That way, you can search for someone who's compatible to you on all levels.
Alisha: C'mon, that's no fun. You have to choose one or the other here; so who is it?
Deirdre: Sigh. I gotta be honest. I'm feelin' frisky, so I would love to choose the guy who'd give me the best sex I ever had. Just for, like, two weeks, tho! And I'd make sure he got tested for STDs and AIDS, and I'd hide all my valuables. Heck, I wouldn't let him come to my house at all. After the two weeks, I'd get back to the search for the more compatible man I was talking about. And I'd be in a great mood.
Alisha: This is a tough decision -- one I'd have to view in two ways. If I'm looking to settle down and find a mate to have kids with, then I'd go for the 9.5 and the bad sex, but if I'm wanting to date around, it would be difficult to pass up the mind-blowing love-making. Hint: Just turn off the lights since the 1.5 might not be too pretty on the eyes.
Deirdre: I agree on going with the 9.5 for the long haul. If you love someone and the two of you are committed to making the relationship work, I believe there is no bad sex -- only sex that needs improvement. So if a person has every quality you want but the sex isn't up to par, you shouldn't let that keep you from pursuing something serious. There's so much more to a relationship than sex.
Alisha: To play devil's advocate, I'm sure there have been quite a few marriages that have ended because the sex was a complete mismatch. Intimacy and affection are keys to happiness.
Deirdre: Of course! I would add to my earlier statement that there has to be communication. People can't assume sex difficulties (or money issues, or family problems) will eventually just "work themselves out."
Alisha: I have to agree with a friend's response when I posed this hypothetical situation to her: "Bottom line: Incredible sex isn't worth dating a boring troll."
Deirdre: Well, dang, when you put it like that, I'd have to agree! But I wasn't really talking about dating the troll, per se ...

Strangers calling us 'hun' and 'baby'

Deirdre: Something I've noticed: When the security guards downstairs -- at least a dozen years older than me -- say hello and goodbye, they use terms of endearment. "Darlin'." "Precious." "Doll Baby." "Princess." It doesn't bother me; in fact, it usually makes me smile. But when younger guys address me as "baby" or "boo" or "sweetheart," it really bugs me. Does stuff like this ever happen to you?
Alisha: Sure. In fact, it happened Thursday at Bruegger's Bagels. The guy fixing my bagel kept calling me sweetie. Each time he said it, I melted. It was, um, sweet.
Deirdre: How old do you think he was?
Alisha: He made some comment that he's been married 10+ years, so ... I thought he looked 35.
Deirdre: Hmm. I don't know how I would feel about that. I think that in general, men in their 50s and older use terms of affection because that's the way they were raised -- with a protective, almost paternal, attitude toward women. But younger men, especially those under 35 ... they've been raised with women as their equals. So for them to use such a term (especially if they are strangers) can be almost insulting, because it seems more of a conscious act.
Alisha: It's not an age thing at all. On the whole, it's an issue of men being courteous toward women. If a 19-year-old guy, who is mature, calls me "sugar," then I'm going to smile and think it's cute. Just because a man grew up in the 1950s doesn't mean he's more apt to use terms of endearment versus boys who were taught good manners by their parents.
Deirdre: I agree with your last sentence, but I don't think I'd be smiling if some 19-year-old called me "sugar." I'd probably raise an eyebrow so high, I'd get a cramp in it -- I'm old enough to be his mom! I don't think that's respectful.
Alisha: Possibly. I guess it depends on the situation. I thought you, having grown up in the South like myself, would have adjusted to men using such terms?
Deirdre: I didn't hear the terms much from strangers during my years in California, so it's more obvious to me now. Also, I've become more sensitive to it as I age. I think I'm just irritated by men I don't know calling me "baby" and looking at me, as an old friend used to say, like "they want to put me on a plate and sop me up with a biscuit."
Alisha: If you're walking down a street, and a construction worker screams over the machinery, "Hey baby, what's shakin'?" then that can be construed as just rude. But, if I'm getting my oil changed and a guy says, "Car's all done, love." Then I'll just say thank you.
Deirdre: Is this mostly a female thing? I wonder if guys are ever bothered by being called "hun" by women they don't know.
Alisha: Men aren't left out. Have you never been to a truck stop before? The ladies at the counter are always calling those fellas all kinds of names.
Deirdre: It probably washes right over them.
Alisha: Affectionate nicknames are acceptable in my book, as long as they're not a disguise to subjugate me as a woman.
Deirdre: I don't want to leave you thinking I find all men younger than me insulting when they use nicknames. For example, there's a guy at work who looks about 30. When he sees me he always says "how you doin', love?" It gives me a little thrill because of the way he says it -- it's confident, there's an awareness that we're not giggling preteens but a man and a woman ... yet there's nothing skeezy about it. What bothers me about some men and their "baby's" is they come across as ingratiating. Assuming intimacy when there is none.

What say you, readers? How do you feel about terms of endearment from strangers?

OK to break up via e-mail?

Alisha: I was listening to morning talk radio a few weeks ago, and the station had a female caller who said she received a "break-up text message" from her boyfriend. The radio hosts couldn't believe the boyfriend was so insensitive.
Deirdre: I'm totally with them on that one. Important relationship info delivered via e-mail or text is one of my triggers. It makes me furious.
Alisha: Why does this upset you? Ever happened to you before? ... Oh, and I disagree to an extent. Breaking up via IM/text or e-mail is suitable in certain situations.
Deirdre: No, it's never happened to me, but I believe e-mail is often used as a crutch, or as an easy way to get out of dealing with a difficult situation. It's a route often taken by cowards, in other words. But let's discuss those situations you mentioned.
Alisha: If you've only been out on a couple of dates, and the relationship never progressed past a movie and dinner, then there's no harm in sending an e-mail to say, "Hey, there just isn't any attraction."
Deirdre: I disagree. In a situation like that there should be a phone call. You communicated before the dates and you saw each other on those dates, so an actual phone discussion is not too much to ask for. It's common courtesy.
Alisha: You're too old-fashioned. It all depends on the status of the relationship. I would never suggest using text messaging or e-mail as a medium of communication for a committed relationship. But, geez, if you don't even know the fella's last name, then sending him a text message to say "Adios amigo," is not that big a deal.
Deirdre: I'm OK with being old-fashioned in this case, because I'm all about treating each other with respect. Now, if all you did was e-mail and IM and you met once and didn't click, sure, a text would be fine. But if you normally talk and see each other and then you send a "Dear John/Jane" e-mail to say "I'm just not that into you," it's insulting.
Alisha: What if it's warranted? What if the partner cheated; so then is it OK to e-mail?
Deirdre: HA! Are you kidding? That calls for a confrontation of "Dynasty"-like proportions! If you're gonna send an e-mail, I suggest it be along the lines of, "I know what you did, so don't bother coming home -- the locks have been changed. And here's my lawyer's number."
Alisha: Sometimes I think an e-mail, an IM or a text message can take some of the pressure off. Again, this is all situational. Ending a marriage by text message? Whoever does that should have to answer to his or her maker.
Deirdre: Speaking of situational: I actually ended a close friendship via e-mail. We were so emotional, we couldn't talk without yelling or crying. We're both writers, so we were able to say what we needed to in e-mails. But we weren't sleeping together and didn't have kids, OK? A friendship is way different from a relationship. Write the e-mails if you need to say your piece. But when it's time to end it, look each other in the eye.
Alisha: In the past, when my husband and I bitterly disagreed on something, we wrote each other because like you, we're both prone to communicate our feelings through prose. But I still stick by the fact it's A-OK to text message a break-up - for the most part!
Deirdre: And I say if you're an adult, act like one. See them. Call.

All right, readers, what do you think?

What is sexy?

Alisha: Have you ever met someone and thought, "Wow, he (or she) was really sexy?" It happened to me Saturday night when my husband, a co-worker and I went out to a Park Road Shopping Center hangout. I moseyed up to the bar and this guy next to me smiled and asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him no thanks (I was ordering for the group and didn't think it very southern belle-ish of me to ask him to buy three drinks). Though an older gentleman, he had baby dimples and his Portuguese accent made my knees buckle. It was so sexy!
Deirdre: YUM! Men with accents get me every time. In a movie I watched recently there was a scene where the main couple almost kissed. The guy was all up in the chick's personal space, but he didn't go for the kill because he knew she was unsure. He was giving her a chance to say no ... or yes. That was sexy.
Alisha: No doubt anticipation is a turn-on. How about a guy, with a good smile, walking his puppy at the park? That's hot.
Deirdre: You're walking down the street and you catch a whiff of cologne that smells so dee-lish, you almost give yourself whiplash looking around for who it belongs to. I LOVE a good-smellin' man!
Alisha: I would never get a tattoo on the small of my back, however, there is something quite sexy about a small, almost dainty-type tramp stamp.
Deirdre: Speaking of women, I watch boxer Laila Ali on "Dancing With the Stars" and I'm totally envious of her body. Strong is sexy.
Alisha: So is intelligence. Keith Olbermann is not exactly my idea of a hunk, but his depth of knowledge (especially his sports proficiency) makes him, and others with that breadth of IQ, instant cuties.
Deirdre: Amen! And please make passes, you boys who wear glasses!

Readers, don't be shy -- let us know what you think is sexy!

Sometimes, a friendship is really over

Deirdre: I have a quandary. I used to be close friends with a woman I'd known since childhood. A few years ago, we had a falling out and stopped speaking to each other. Now my grandmother, who lives in the same town as this woman, is telling me I need to rekindle the friendship. She sees my ex-friend and thinks she doesn't look happy. She thinks I should take the first step.
Alisha: And, you're not wanting to heed your grandmother's advice, huh?
Deirdre: No. First of all, she doesn't know the whole story between us. Second, it's like I'd be trying to make up because I felt sorry for my ex-friend, and I think that's an insulting thing to do. Third, sometimes, friendships just ... end.
Alisha: Your final point is right on the money. Sometimes friendships just end -- especially if this friendship you're talking about concluded in a never-talk-again argument. So what if this woman called you up and wanted to be friends again? Would your thoughts change?
Deirdre: Actually, I think she kinda did. Out of the blue, she sent me an e-mail. It was one of those jokes or "beware, this might happen to you!!" things that people forward. She included me on a list of people she forwarded it to. Does that count as a first move?
Alisha: Mmmm. Maybe for some people but I don't think so. If it was, it was more so her opening the door, yet wanting you to take action. Can you sleep at night knowing she's no longer in your life? I say if you can, then you should leave things as they are.
Deirdre: I sleep just fine. When our friendship ended, we were to the point where we were toxic to each other. Why would I want to subject myself to that again? But all my grandma sees is a person who seems miserable and she wants me to make it better. But she's not thinking about what it would do to ME.
Alisha: Would you be open to calling up your friend one time to ask how things are going and then end it there? That way you've reached out to this woman but haven't really tried to rekindle the friendship, and you make your grandma happy at the same time?
Deirdre: I don't think it's possible, or fair, to do something like that. Have you done it before?
Alisha: Well, not to please my grandmother! ... Yes, I no longer talk with my best friend from my childhood because our lives just took two very different paths. I would call her up just to chat. She would do the same thing. We both realized we're just two very different people now. And we never had a BIG blowup, and that's where your situation differs.
Deirdre: I've changed even more since the friendship ended, which is why I think calling this woman would be a mistake. My grandmother thinks friends then, friends now, friends forever. I hope I can make her understand it can't always be that way. We can talk about this, my grandma and I -- she's very cool. And gets way more dates than I do!
Alisha: I say you stand your ground, tell your grandma how you feel and leave it at that. It's not her who has to face your friend. Sometimes, we do all we can do and there just isn't anything left.
Deirdre: Or maybe, sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing.

A sex symbol who hated sex?

Deirdre: Interesting note in Anna Nicole Smith's diary: "I hate for men to want sex all the time. I hate sex anyway ..."
Alisha: I find it hard to believe Anna Nicole hated sex.
Deirdre: Really? I don't.
Alisha: Yeah, because you don't have affairs just to discuss the latest cover of People magazine. She had lots of men, some even married. You don't cross that line if you don't like sex.
Deirdre: You do if you equate sex with love, even though you hate the act itself.
Alisha: I think it's all a farce, and that was probably a big word and concept for Anna Nicole to understand. She didn't hate the act of making love to someone -- what she likely hated was how she felt in her loose ways or how others judged her because of it.
Deirdre: I disagree completely. I doubt if she knew what "making love" was. I believe she suffered what many women suffer from: extremely low self-esteem. And that carried over into the bedroom. Sure, men wanted her -- thousands upon thousands of men wanted her -- but could she fulfill their fantasies? She probably looked in the mirror, and where we would see a gorgeous body, she only saw the flaws.
Alisha: I have no doubts about someone's low self-esteem contributing to his or her clouded decision-making, however, I find it extremely hard to believe a woman is going to bed X amount of men and not somewhat enjoy the act.
Deirdre: Girl, porn stars do it all the time. And beauty can be a double-edged sword. In her case, she was all about looking beautiful for men. That was her bread and butter and rent money. Sex was probably part of the package in most cases. If she felt like it was something she HAD to do, not something she wanted to do, of course she wouldn't enjoy it. Also, if that's all men wanted when they were around her, it would get old pretty fast.
Alisha: I guess I liken it to, if you hate to cook, you're not gonna go out and enroll at Johnson & Wales. If Anna hated sex, she's not going to seek out men who are married.
Deirdre: Can you say "sugar daddy"?
Alisha: She had to have found aspects of sex exciting in order to continually do it, otherwise she would have just been arm candy. Again, married men aren't into arm candy.
Deirdre: Of COURSE they are!
Alisha: But JUST arm candy? Arm only?
Deirdre: Heh. Maybe not.

Should we keep exes in our lives?

Alisha: I have a girlfriend who makes a point to stay in touch, even though she's married, with her ex-boyfriends. She thinks it's important to be friends still.
Deirdre: WHY?!
Alisha: Because they shared portions of her life and they meant something special to her. ... I can see her points. I'd like to stay in touch with one of my exes but he prefers not to have anything to do with me because it's "too hard" for him.
Deirdre: Girl, there are men in my past that I wish would just fall off the planet. But I have to say, while I wish most of my exes the best in life, I really don't want to have a relationship with them.
Alisha: You can never have too many friends in this world. And there are so many varying levels of friends, that there's got to be a place for exes in there.
Deirdre: Tell me this: Does your friend's husband have a problem with his wife still calling and e-mailing old boyfriends? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, she could be mistaken for keeping backups in case the man she has doesn't work out.
Alisha: As far as I know ... the husband knows and has met all the exes, and he's totally cool with it. They're secure in their relationship. It's all about not letting go of the person as a friend, and leaving the person as a lover in the past.
Deirdre: I can't say I agree with your friend's decision. While I admire her ability to end her intimate relationships on sanguine enough terms to still be friends, I question the need to keep all those men in her life. And I wonder what effect the presence of her emotional past will have on her marriage.
Alisha: I think it just comes down to some people can delineate friendships from sexual relationships of old. If her and her husband is OK with it, then, what's the bid deal?
Deirdre: It's not the sex that worries me. It's the emotional connections.
Alisha: Why? With every person we befriend, we're going to establish some type of connection, even on the platonic level. Why can't two people understand and accept the way things are?
Deirdre: Lish, it's always fun to talk to you, because at some point I usually wind up saying this: You're being logical. When it comes to matters of the heart, logic often takes a back seat. I think most of us know the right thing to do, the logical thing to do. But you can't control how you feel.
Alisha: That's my point, though. If person A is married and she wants to be friends -- and friends only -- with her exes, then, what's the issue? She's controlling how she feels by saying, they're just friends.
Deirdre: I can understand wanting to remain on good terms with an ex. But once it's over, I think it might be best to leave the past in the past. Am I saying ignore that person if you pass them on the street? No. But making a point to keep in touch with someone because you once had a romantic thing with them is not the answer. Your friend wants to keep these men in her life because they meant something special to her. MEANT. It's like there's a part of her that will always be looking backwards, not ahead.
Alisha: What's that saying, "Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it." ... Totally dropping your exes just because they're labeled as an ex is disrespectful to him or her as a person. Now, if things ended on bad terms - for either person - that's a different story.
Deirdre: You make some excellent points. But I say you can learn from your past without keeping it in your present. And you and your partner can agree you don't belong together and amicably go your separate ways. Do I think exes can remain friends? Sure. I guess the point I want to make is, question motives. Why do you really want to keep this person in your life? And why do they want to stay? A little introspection can save a lot of wounded feelings.
Alisha: The key is to be honest with yourself, your significant other and your exes. If you are, and you communicate those feelings then there's nothing wrong with keeping exes as friends.

You have a crush - and it's not your partner!

A co-worker recently presented us with this dilemma:

"A friend of mine is in a committed relationship, but is attracted to this other chick who's also in a committed relationship. All four know each other, and it's obvious when my friend is around them that he's nervous. What would you do? Try to hide it? 'Fess up?

"I told him to tell the other couple that he has a crush on the girl, but it's nothing more than that. But, don't tell his own partner because his girlfriend is jealous and wouldn't want them to hang out anymore."

Alisha: Quite the dilemma, and I bet it's one that comes up more often than we think - especially for those of us who tend to gravitate toward groups of people when we go out.
Deirdre: I agree. Whether you're in a committed relationship or not, you can't help who you're attracted to. It's whether you act on that attraction that makes the difference.
Alisha: Which means drinking around said attraction is a bad idea! That's when you might lose control of your actions. So the question is, try to hide it or should one fess up to his desires? What would you do?
Deirdre: I would ride it out. The thing about crushes is, they're transitory. They're often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.
Alisha: I'm with you on this but for a different reason. If you're in a committed relationship, then you're just that - committed to each other. You shouldn't be macking on someone else. To notice one's beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.
Deirdre: Would you hide your attraction to someone else from your husband, or confess it?
Alisha: Confess it. Plus, there's a difference between admiring one's beauty and having a crush on someone. As a married person who is totally in love with my spouse, I'm not going to develop a crush. I am, however, open to fully admitting who I think is hot.
Deirdre: And your husband is OK with that? Does he do the same?
Alisha: Oh yeah! It's in our nature to notice if someone is attractive. Anyone who doesn't notice or stare at a gorgeous person is lying about it or totally kidding themselves.
Deirdre: Did you notice our co-worker suggested telling the other couple about the attraction, but not to tell the guy's own jealous girlfriend? What a way to imperil the friendship. And that chick is gonna want to cut somebody when she finds out -- and you KNOW she'll find out. If this is going to be discussed, it should be with one's partner, not the partner's friends.
Alisha: Your partner should be the first to know, no doubt about it.
Deirdre: However, I contend that if you know A) you have a harmless crush, no more, and B) such information will hurt your partner, why tell them?
Alisha: If it's truly harmless, what's the harm in telling?
Deirdre: Girl, you're being rational. Jealousy is an irrational emotion.
Deirdre: But I have to add that if your crush doesn't eventually go away, or you find yourself developing deeper feelings for that person, it's a warning sign that there may be a problem in your relationship. And that DOES need to be discussed.
Alisha: That's the point. There should be communication going on from the start. Your partner shouldn't be finding out you've developed crushes on people after months of drooling.

YouTube breakup: Not cool

Alisha: So, Deirdre ... I'm curious to know your thoughts on the infamous YouTube break-up, since it now seems our society has progressed (or digressed?) into breaking up with your partner in front of a crowd, and then airing it on the world wide web.
Deirdre: First, let me just say that if that had been MY man, I woulda stomped him into a grease spot and happily gone to jail for it. If what he did was for real (and there's some question about that), it was simply unconscionable.
Deirdre: Second, I blame Jerry Springer for this.
Alisha: From watching several online videos of "the breakup", I didn't see a fight break out, a shaved-head bodyguard or a 400-pound man in women's panties. So, why is Jerry Springer to blame?
Deirdre: People want their 15 minutes of fame and Jerry was really the first to provide a platform for relationship exhibitionists. All they have to do is humiliate themselves and the one they claim to "love." And now, thanks to the Internet and YouTube, people can take that yearning one huge step further, without having to fly to Chicago for his show.
Alisha: Eh ... With all of these new media outlets now accessible to any average joe who has a USB port -- audio, MP3s, camera phones, etc. -- I just don't think Mr. Ex-Mayor of Cincinnati should take the fault for this one. Seems to me the UNC student showed off his stupidity and his lack of respect. My thing, the girl, Mindy Moorman, seemed to handle her business. She didn't go off running and screaming. I applaud her.
Deirdre: Me too! She held her own, considering she was supposedly caught off-guard. But what really bugs me is the immaturity of it all. The guy goes off half-cocked because of what a friend told him, and didn't even bother to discuss the situation (she allegedly cheated on him) with the chick. The whole thing coulda been a lie.
Deirdre: But even if it wasn't a lie, you don't do such a thing in public. I'm a decade older than you, and 10 years ago, the dude would have confronted her in private, or just stopped calling her. There would have been none of this public humiliation business. Really, what does it say about HIM that he felt the need to do this?
Alisha: You mean none of this public humiliation business spread over the entire world. I'm sure the hippies and the beatniks and my grandparents' generation had alternate ways to humiliate. ... But you're right - that relationship screamed for some communication. At least now the girl knows what kind of a jerk she was hooking up with. Everything happens for a reason.
Deirdre: Yeah. If it was a true breakup, she's probably thinking she dodged a bullet. And if it wasn't, shame on them for trying to trick the YouTube universe. Don't they have, like, classes to flunk? Get back to studying!
Alisha: I'm thinking we're going to see a wave of copycats pop up. I will pray for all you single people, and hope I don't see you on the next Internet breakup video. Maybe the biggest dealbreaker of 2007 will be: "If the guy or girl has a YouTube account."

Got any dating deal breakers?

It's Just Lunch -- an organization that organizes first date lunches or drinks after work -- recently polled almost 3,000 singles to find out their opinions on dating, love and smoking (in honor of the upcoming Great American Smokeout on Nov. 16). In the survey, 61 percent said they would not go on a first date with someone they knew smoked.

Alisha: And do you blame them? Smoking is nasty, and the worst part about dating a smoker is the foul taste you get in your mouth after kissing them. Kissing an ashtray is not my idea of a turn-on.
Deirdre: No lie. Their clothes tend to smell like a saloon, and there's that lovely smoker's hack. Not sexy. So we can agree that smoking is a sure deal breaker when it comes to dating -- we're talking do not pass go, forget the cell number, lose the e-mail address. Got any others?
Alisha: Oh yeah. Who doesn't? There's a fine line between being too picky and just downright ruling a characteristic out. Definite deal breaker: A guy who cannot hold a conversation. You don't have to be a walking wikipedia, however, you can't chat about your job every night.
Deirdre: Agreed. Years ago I finally got a date with a hot guy I had been lusting over for months. We went to a movie and out to dinner afterward ... and he couldn't string two coherent thoughts together. A dim bulb. He also had no sense of humor, which is another deal breaker for me.
Alisha: Amen. How about, since you're single - are men with kids a deal breaker?
Deirdre: I'm OK with one or two children, not the Brady bunch. But even if it's just one kid, if it's a property-destroying, foul-mouthed, unmannered little heathen, forget it.
Deirdre: And I hope I don't come across as superficial here, but if a guy and I don't see eye-to-eye (literally), that's a deal breaker. I'm 6 feet tall, and I've had my share of men not much above boob level.
Alisha: I hear ya, coming from the 5-foot-9 girl here. And, when I was single - I always used to find men who were not into sports. Yes, Margaret, there are men out there who do not watch SportsCenter 24-7. If a guy can't tell me which local team was in the 1977 Final Four, then, adios, buster.
Deirdre: Bigots are unacceptable. And while he doesn't have to be rich, dude does have to have a job. I support myself, and I expect whoever I'm with to take care of his business as well.
Alisha: Sexual incompatibility. 'Nuff said.
Deirdre: Heck, yeah! And iffy hygiene. Ever since I heard Matthew McConaughey hasn't used deodorant in five years, I can't look at him without wrinkling my nose.
Alisha: Well, before we get too nitpicky about every little thing, down to the long hair on one's big toe, let's ask readers: What are your deal breakers?

We tussle over online dating

Deirdre: I've been sick, but I know I feel better because I'm in the mood for a good fight. You ready to debate online dating?
Alisha: (Ringing the bell) Let's get it on! And it's about time, Deirdre.
Deirdre: Hmpf. Anyway, while I believe online dating would be a positive thing for some people -- say, the really shy/introverted who need to work on people skills, or folks who live in isolated areas -- on the whole, I am against the practice.
Alisha: Why? Online dating is safe. It's practical. It's free. It provides a safety net.
Deirdre: Online dating is NOT safe. It's that false sense of security that can get people in trouble. Online dating is NOT practical. Think of the hours people spend weeding out "matches" that are really nothing more than random names. Online dating is NOT free. Memberships to most services have fees. Online dating does NOT provide a safety net. Instead, it provides a thick curtain of anonymity for people to hide behind while they lie, cheat and steal.
Alisha: Does online dating scare you or do you think it's just a bad way to connect with a potential partner?
Deirdre: I'm not scared of it -- I don't trust it. In general, it saddens me that this is the direction our society is heading in when it comes to starting and building relationships. I'm not stupid -- I know online dating is here to stay, and I know some people are having success with it.
Alisha: I would much rather get to know a person through months of correspondence than to run into some stranger at a bar. Online dating also gives people confidence. You can chat with someone you likely would never approach in public.
Deirdre: The two main aspects that put me off online dating: 1) I believe in using all of your senses when sussing out if someone is a potential mate. That includes the sixth sense, if you will, where you get a vibe off another person. When you're online, you're restricted to what that person types. You can't see their eyes or read their body language or hear the way they say something. 2) The anonymity of online enables lying. Sure, people lie in person, but online, the lies come so much more fluidly, from little "10 pounds/5 years off" fibs to big whoppers, like people pretending they're of the oppposite sex.
Alisha: Online dating is the preliminary step to a relationship. You eventually will have to get up off of the couch and go out on a date. And, you're right -- there's nothing that can compare to body language and signals. As for the lying, that can happen whether you're online or not.
Deirdre: There's also a part of me that feels it's lazy. You could meet more dating possibilities if you spend less time on the computer and more time out among people.
Alisha: It's not about being lazy. Some people who were married for 30 years might suddenly find themselves single again after a divorce. Online dating is a great avenue for them because it's a way to ease back into the singles scene.
Deirdre: Or they could check out singles groups, or tell their friends to set them up, or join activity clubs that cater to older adventurers ... I think more and more people are looking to the Internet as their last hope, or their only hope. And that's just not the case.
Alisha: What if you're scared to ask for help or you're ashamed you're single? Online dating caters to that crowd.
Deirdre: But the majority of daters don't have to go online. I think it could turn from a curiosity-satisfier into a dating crutch.
Alisha: Online dating is just not as evil as you portray it.
Deirdre: It's not as evil as I portray it, but it's not Soulmate Central like all the commercials and ads portray it, either. That's all I'm sayin'.
Alisha: I don't doubt there are some happily married couples who gave online dating a chance. Speaking of chances, thanks for finally discussing why you think online dating is bad. I'm sure some folks will agree with you, and some will agree with me.

Kicking it off with an IM chat

Deirdre: So here we are, our first blog together. And it’s about relationships, one of my favorite topics. I’m STOKED.
Alisha: Bring it on! You know, I bet people are wondering what makes us qualified to write about relationships.
Deirdre: I bet you’re right! Well, for starters, we’ve both been in them. Relationships. And not just romantic ones, but friendships, our parents, our archenemies ...
And I’m fascinated by relationships of all kinds. I study people. If I weren’t a journalist, I’d probably be a psychologist. I read a lot about relationships -- books, magazine articles, online stuff. I’m obsessed with celeb hookups and breakups. I even watch those stupid dating reality shows on TV -- I cried when Trista chose Ryan on “The Bachelorette”!
Alisha: We’ve got some stories to share, that much is true. And as journalists, we tend to observe everything around us -- from the married couples who seem to have something missing in their lives, to our best girlfriends who have little black books, er, make that Blackberry, brimming with digits. Oh, girl -- who needs “The Bachelorette” when you can watch “Flavor of Love” and learn all you need to know about how NOT to have a healthy relationship?
Deirdre: Did you HAVE to bring up “Flavor of Love”? Some crazy chick lost control of her bowels in the first episode this season!
Alisha: Bowels? Get some Depends! I miss Hoopz. She was legit.
Deirdre: Hoopz wasn’t legit! She dumped Flav as soon as the show was over. But we digress. We were talking about how observant we are and we have stories to share. We also aren’t afraid to share our opinions, are we? I know I’m not afraid to say I think online dating is a badbadbad idea.
Alisha: I just hope my Mom and Dad won’t read too closely. Though, my parents know I met one of my ex-boyfriends online. You can weed out men through the Internet and not ever have to worry about them having your cell phone number. Jump in to 2006 with me, Deirdre!
Deirdre: I’m firmly in 2006, thank you! I have the gray hairs to show it. I just have a problem with online dating ... and people who break up via e-mail. That’s just tacky and cowardly.
Alisha: It’s not tacky if you haven’t been with a guy long enough to even know his middle name.
Sounds like there’s quite a few topics we don’t see eye-to-eye on and a few we do. Hey, why don’t we start a relationships blog? [smile]
Deirdre: Gee, what a great idea, Alisha! And questions and comments from readers are welcome, right?
Alisha: More than welcome. Please give us advice and ideas.
Alisha: OK, that sounds way too desperate. But you get the idea.
Deirdre: Also, anyone and everyone is fair game -- especially us! I still haven’t decided if I’ll tell my Mom about this blog, so you know I’m gonna spill some good stuff. I’m just glad none of my exes live around here.
Alisha: They’re always available via e-mail, in case you want to break up with them again?
Deirdre: SO not funny. I’m done with you today.
Alisha: Fine, be that way. Who needs to sit and discuss the merits of online dating when you obviously don’t appreciate the value of flirting while sitting at home on your laptop, in your robe and eating bon-bons? Looking forward to more discussion!