Should you stay or should you go?

The saddest thing I've heard in the whole Mark Sanford mess?

That he considers his Argentinian mistress his soul mate ... and yet he's trying to fall back in love with his wife.

Trying? Bonnie Raitt lyrics immediately spring to mind: "I can't make you love me if you don't/You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

I've been thinking about this for several days now. If you're in a committed relationship and you become more emotionally connected to a person outside that relationship, do you stay in your current situation, or do you leave? Do you sacrifice your personal happiness for the promise you made to your partner?

Thanks to the S.C. governor's verbal diarrhea, we know way more than we should about his personal struggles. ("My guess is that it's an emotional breakdown," said Katon Dawson, immediate past chairman of the state Republican Party. "He's so emotional now he wants to tell everybody everything.") We also know from their e-mails that Mark Sanford and Maria Belen Chapur weren't just having a fling. They made an emotional connection way before they had a physical one. “This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” Sanford, said in an interview yesterday. Dude was crying during the interview; he's been crying a lot lately. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

So here's what I wanna know: if you aren't in love with your partner anymore and you want to be with someone else -- and we're not talking about lust, or simple infatuation here -- why stay in that relationship? Because, really, who benefits in the long run? Also, if you know your partner isn't in love with you anymore, why would you want them to stay? I can understand sticking together for the kids, but do you honestly think they won't know that something isn't right?

On the flip side, there's something to be said for making a promise and keeping it. When people commit to each other, it's an agreement that they will live their lives as a team. Most people who have kids in relationships do so with the understanding that they'll have a partner in parenting. A support system in tough times and someone to enjoy the good times. Such a commitment should be able to withstand factors such as infidelity and emotional malaise, right? You work through them and come out stronger on other side.

... Or not.

Oy. Makes me glad to be single. But what about you, readers? Would you leave if you loved someone else, or would you stay?

Way to go, Jenny Sanford!

I want to buy Jenny Sanford a drink. Girlfriend could probably use one about now.

People are slamming on her, saying she's a controlling harpy. So cold, so bossy, so tough. No wonder her man ran into the arms of another woman, they say. If she'd been concentrating on what was going on at home, instead of what was going on at the office, she might not be in this mess.

What a crock.

I think Jenny Sanford is awesome. We've seen a parade of political wives who've stood by their men as they denied or apologized for their sexual indiscretions. Every time there's a chorus of, "why is she putting up with this? How can she stand to be humiliated in such a way? What a fool!" and so on. Then the Sanford crap hits the fan and Miss Jenny is so not like those other wives. She's probably like, "you know what? I've been dealing with this hot mess for five months while this joker tries to figure out what he wants to do. I've already kicked his butt out. The kids will need therapy. And he left Father's Day weekend? No way I'm going down like this!"

So what does she do? When Mark Sanford went missing, she didn't cover for him. She admitted she had no idea where he was, knowing what message that would send. When he held his mea culpa news conference, she and her four boys were nowhere in sight. When reporters asked about her husband's political career, her response was, "his career is not a concern of mine. He'll have to worry about that. I'm going to worry about my family and the character of my children."

Love her.

Jenny Sanford is going through a defining moment in her life, and she has chosen to put herself and her kids first -- not her husband's career. I admire that. She's handling this situation on her terms, which has got to be hard, considering the intense pressure she's under. If she takes her husband back, it won't be for appearance's sake, it'll be because she wants to give their marriage another chance.

Where others see a harpy I see a strong, smart woman who's being straight-up with everyone, especially her husband. Why criticize her for standing up for herself? At least she'll be able to hold her head high after this ... which is more than we can say for Mark Sanford and his Argentinian mistress.

Update: Jenny Sanford offers details about how she found out about the affair here. Man, did her husband dig himself a deep hole!

Can infidelity plus love equal pity?

Mark Sanford's e-mails to his Argentinian mistress drip with emotion, with detail, with passion.

They read like they were written by a man who longs to express his feelings in poetry. They read like they were written by a man in love.

It's surprising: I've heard pity for South Carolina's governor from an array of avid followers of the story -- from married to single, man and woman.

How tragic, those followers say, to be 49, a public figure, and so obviously in love.

How horrifying, they say, to have such private thoughts and feelings trotted out for public display.

How stupid, they conclude, for Sanford to have made such a classic misstep by a man in a position of power.

No one can win in such a situation -- not Sanford, not his mistress, and, most importantly, not his wife and kids. (We'll have to see how the residents of South Carolina fare.)

It's not that finding love excuses infidelity. Before entering into a relationship with Maria Belen Chapur, perhaps Sanford should have settled things with his wife. He should have repaired a marriage that wasn't quite right in his heart. And if he felt he couldn't honor that union -- obviously, he didn't -- he should have tried to be as honorable as he could in the situation and ended the marriage.

But he did neither of those things, and now his tragedy -- and the tragedy of his family -- is a drama for the nation.

And his love, most certainly, is lost.

Elizabeth Edwards -- whose story is it?

Why, the critics of Elizabeth Edwards ask, would she write about her husband's infidelity in her new memoir, "Resilience"? Why would she discuss it with Oprah Winfrey on national television?

They scold her: Hasn't John Edwards put you through enough? Do you have to put yourself through the wringer?

"People feel they have license to tell me how I should have reacted and responded," Edwards told The (Raleigh) News & Observer on Saturday when she held a book-signing at a local bookstore. "This story I'm telling is my own and no one else's, and no one can decide how I should tell it."

So let's try these possible explanations for her very public disclosures:

She needed catharsis. Months of rumors and denials and admissions have caused her immeasurable stress, emotional and physical. Telling her story could lift that from her shoulders.

She needed confession. The chance to describe how she felt and what she thought would, she hoped, put an end to some of the questions about how she has handled her relationship with her husband going forward.

She needed to move on, because she has incurable cancer and feeling rancor about John Edwards' affair with a campaign staffer would not allow her to enjoy every moment she has left of her life.

The story of John Edwards' affair was told -- and continues to be told -- in the most public of arenas in the most repetitive fashion (none of them particularly sensitive to his wife and their children). Elizabeth Edwards is correct -- it is her story to tell. Why shouldn't she have her chance, on her terms?

After all, she (tragically) will not have to live long with the sadness and hurt her husband's affair has caused her, her children, her family.

Only her husband will have the chance to heal that.

Edwards mess: People really think like this?

After returning from a trip down to Alabama this weekend for my 20-year high school reunion (I'll fill you in on that later), I was cleaning out my e-mail when I came across this from a co-worker:

"This is one of the comments on the Edwards story," she wrote. "It disgusts me."

Here's the comment:

"Big deal. The guy got a little outside action. I'm sure he loves his wife and kid and he is concerned about his wife's medical condition. Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife, just don't bring any STDs or unwanted babies home. I'm sure he paid the woman money, paid her rent, gave her hush money, etc. I'm sure she knew he was married. Get all you can Mr. Edwards, just be a little more careful next time."

Get all you can, Mr. Edwards? Are you kidding me?

I want someone to please explain this statement to me: "Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife." How can there be nothing wrong with betraying the trust of someone you supposedly love?

Readers, do you agree with this commenter? Is cheating on your spouse OK, as long as you don't bring home diseases and babies ... and you don't get caught?

You're single. He's married. What do you do?

I've put off writing this entry for awhile now. But I'm sitting here ... it's late ... I have my wine. I'm in the mood to talk about it.

I was propositioned by a married man. We'd been on friendly terms and I knew there was a mutual admiration society going on. But you know how you think you know what's going on, and you think you're in control of a situation and then you suddenly realize not only are you NOT in control, but you've gotten in over your head? That's what happened to me. One minute we're joking, the next minute he's dead serious. He told me, in no uncertain terms, what he wanted to happen between us. Whatever you're imagining? That's probably what he asked me to do.

And I almost said yes.

Stay cool; nothing happened. But single people, can I get a witness? How many times have you started chatting with someone at a bar, in line at the grocery store, at a football game, anywhere -- and you're thinking, "wow, this is a really cool person and I think there could be something here" and then you glance down and see the wedding band? Or they casually say "yeah, my wife and I went there for vacation," or "my husband read that book and said it's awesome"? And you get that gut punch of disappointment, or you feel like a big ol' fool for not catching on sooner? Sucks, doesn't it?

Or you find yourself in a situation like mine (and it's happened before, but I still didn't see it coming) where you're friendly with a married person you find attractive, but you know they're off limits ... and then, whoops, apparently they're not? What do you do?

Me, I back the hell away. I don't share men. I'm no home-wrecker and I'm no time-filler for someone who's bored, or wants something "different." And to be honest, I believe in karma. How can I expect a man who'll be faithful to me if I'm willing to mess with some other woman's man? Then there's the mother of all reasons not to get involved with a married person: if they'll cheat to be with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you to be with someone else?

But my overarching reason to stay away: if you want a lasting relationship of your own, why waste time with someone who isn't available in every sense of the word?

Oh, I know why. Being single can be lonely. It can seem hopeless and endless. Sometimes you think you can't bear another night alone in your bed. Or another day without a phone call or e-mail from someone saying they think you're the bee's knees. But more than likely, if a married person is filling those roles, they're doing it for themselves, not you. It's easy to romanticize, but bottom line, you're being used. (Heh. Makes me think of that Bill Withers song, "Use Me": I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used/Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up. You're no help, Bill.)

Look, I'm not here to judge. If you're living an R. Kelly song, hiding in a closet when someone's spouse comes home, well, that's your business. Duck, run fast and don't forget your underwear. But to the single people out there like me who want love and monogamy and domesticity and all that stuff, I say: hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. Tell married and sexy to go home to their better half. You deserve more.