Should you stay or should you go?

The saddest thing I've heard in the whole Mark Sanford mess?

That he considers his Argentinian mistress his soul mate ... and yet he's trying to fall back in love with his wife.

Trying? Bonnie Raitt lyrics immediately spring to mind: "I can't make you love me if you don't/You can't make your heart feel something it won't."

I've been thinking about this for several days now. If you're in a committed relationship and you become more emotionally connected to a person outside that relationship, do you stay in your current situation, or do you leave? Do you sacrifice your personal happiness for the promise you made to your partner?

Thanks to the S.C. governor's verbal diarrhea, we know way more than we should about his personal struggles. ("My guess is that it's an emotional breakdown," said Katon Dawson, immediate past chairman of the state Republican Party. "He's so emotional now he wants to tell everybody everything.") We also know from their e-mails that Mark Sanford and Maria Belen Chapur weren't just having a fling. They made an emotional connection way before they had a physical one. “This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story,” Sanford, said in an interview yesterday. Dude was crying during the interview; he's been crying a lot lately. “A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

So here's what I wanna know: if you aren't in love with your partner anymore and you want to be with someone else -- and we're not talking about lust, or simple infatuation here -- why stay in that relationship? Because, really, who benefits in the long run? Also, if you know your partner isn't in love with you anymore, why would you want them to stay? I can understand sticking together for the kids, but do you honestly think they won't know that something isn't right?

On the flip side, there's something to be said for making a promise and keeping it. When people commit to each other, it's an agreement that they will live their lives as a team. Most people who have kids in relationships do so with the understanding that they'll have a partner in parenting. A support system in tough times and someone to enjoy the good times. Such a commitment should be able to withstand factors such as infidelity and emotional malaise, right? You work through them and come out stronger on other side.

... Or not.

Oy. Makes me glad to be single. But what about you, readers? Would you leave if you loved someone else, or would you stay?

Way to go, Jenny Sanford!

I want to buy Jenny Sanford a drink. Girlfriend could probably use one about now.

People are slamming on her, saying she's a controlling harpy. So cold, so bossy, so tough. No wonder her man ran into the arms of another woman, they say. If she'd been concentrating on what was going on at home, instead of what was going on at the office, she might not be in this mess.

What a crock.

I think Jenny Sanford is awesome. We've seen a parade of political wives who've stood by their men as they denied or apologized for their sexual indiscretions. Every time there's a chorus of, "why is she putting up with this? How can she stand to be humiliated in such a way? What a fool!" and so on. Then the Sanford crap hits the fan and Miss Jenny is so not like those other wives. She's probably like, "you know what? I've been dealing with this hot mess for five months while this joker tries to figure out what he wants to do. I've already kicked his butt out. The kids will need therapy. And he left Father's Day weekend? No way I'm going down like this!"

So what does she do? When Mark Sanford went missing, she didn't cover for him. She admitted she had no idea where he was, knowing what message that would send. When he held his mea culpa news conference, she and her four boys were nowhere in sight. When reporters asked about her husband's political career, her response was, "his career is not a concern of mine. He'll have to worry about that. I'm going to worry about my family and the character of my children."

Love her.

Jenny Sanford is going through a defining moment in her life, and she has chosen to put herself and her kids first -- not her husband's career. I admire that. She's handling this situation on her terms, which has got to be hard, considering the intense pressure she's under. If she takes her husband back, it won't be for appearance's sake, it'll be because she wants to give their marriage another chance.

Where others see a harpy I see a strong, smart woman who's being straight-up with everyone, especially her husband. Why criticize her for standing up for herself? At least she'll be able to hold her head high after this ... which is more than we can say for Mark Sanford and his Argentinian mistress.

Update: Jenny Sanford offers details about how she found out about the affair here. Man, did her husband dig himself a deep hole!

Elizabeth Edwards -- whose story is it?

Why, the critics of Elizabeth Edwards ask, would she write about her husband's infidelity in her new memoir, "Resilience"? Why would she discuss it with Oprah Winfrey on national television?

They scold her: Hasn't John Edwards put you through enough? Do you have to put yourself through the wringer?

"People feel they have license to tell me how I should have reacted and responded," Edwards told The (Raleigh) News & Observer on Saturday when she held a book-signing at a local bookstore. "This story I'm telling is my own and no one else's, and no one can decide how I should tell it."

So let's try these possible explanations for her very public disclosures:

She needed catharsis. Months of rumors and denials and admissions have caused her immeasurable stress, emotional and physical. Telling her story could lift that from her shoulders.

She needed confession. The chance to describe how she felt and what she thought would, she hoped, put an end to some of the questions about how she has handled her relationship with her husband going forward.

She needed to move on, because she has incurable cancer and feeling rancor about John Edwards' affair with a campaign staffer would not allow her to enjoy every moment she has left of her life.

The story of John Edwards' affair was told -- and continues to be told -- in the most public of arenas in the most repetitive fashion (none of them particularly sensitive to his wife and their children). Elizabeth Edwards is correct -- it is her story to tell. Why shouldn't she have her chance, on her terms?

After all, she (tragically) will not have to live long with the sadness and hurt her husband's affair has caused her, her children, her family.

Only her husband will have the chance to heal that.

5 ways to help recession-proof your relationship

I get stuff sent to me all the time, but with the recession taking an emotional toll on marriages and relationships, I thought I'd pass on this advice from Noelle Nelson, author of "Your Man is Wonderful."

"We've seen the result in violent family tragedies across the country," says Nelson, "but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The heartbreak comes in many forms. One spouse blames the other spouse for their financial predicament. It's a constant blame game. ... People lose hope and leave the marriage either emotionally or physically."

Nelson's five rules to recession-proof your relationship:

1. See yourself as a team. The power of “together” is tremendous. A couple who sees themselves as a team will pool their talents and resources to mutual advantage, give strength to one another, and sustain hope.

2. Focus on each other's strengths and qualities. This is not the time to dwell on your own or your partner’s weaknesses. On the contrary, this is the time to empower each other by taking inventory of your strengths and qualities.

3. Express appreciation to one another -- resist the temptation to put down or criticize. Insecurity is rampant, not just in our external lives, but also internally. In times of crisis, we doubt our abilities, we question whether we have what it takes to pull through, we worry about how much worse things can get. Criticizing or putting down your partner just intensifies those fears, not only in them, but in yourself. Instead, let your partner know how much you appreciate them just as they are, and reassure them of your love. Express your gratitude often -- for however they contribute to the betterment of your lives -- whether it is helping out with the kids, putting in overtime, or sending out yet another resume.

4. Set goals you can work on together -- focus on problem-solving, not blaming. The only way there is light at the end of the tunnel is if you see it there. Brainstorm together to figure out what goals you seek, break those down into smaller goals and rough out a plan for getting there. Keep your sights constantly on “How do we resolve this?” not “You’ll never be able to do that.” Keep that precious “we” front and center, respect your partner's ideas and input as much as you do your own.

5. Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. The more crisis enters your life, the more difficult it is to sustain positivity and pro-activity. That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge and celebrate every small gain you achieve. Whether it’s figuring out a swap with the neighbor -- after school child care in return for computer lessons -- or making it through the next round of layoffs without losing your job, enthusiastically cheer every bit of progress.

"The economic crisis is not going to change overnight," says Nelson. "In an age of instant gratification, it's sometimes hard to be patient and remain strong and committed within a marriage during trying times. In the end, however, these ordeals can make a marriage stronger as partners truly commit to each other."

Things you 'allow' in a relationship

My husband just returned from a weeklong cycling trip in Baja California -- an interesting way to celebrate his 40th year.

As I arranged my family's schedules to accommodate the trip -- a rare opportunity for him to explore a different region with a group of friends -- the reactions ranged from intrigued to "You're letting him do that?"

To which I thought, is that what it's about -- letting him take a trip?

If you know my husband, you'd know the concept of giving him orders or permission is laughable. He has admitted authority issues.

But, more than that, I'd like to hope that, petty though I can be at times, I wouldn't weigh the short-term challenges of being a single parent for seven days against the fun he might have. (Not that I won't take him up on his suggestion that I choose a destination of my own later this year ...)

And I'd like to have faith that he wouldn't do something that would leave his family in a bind. (However, it was a bit unsettling that he left for his trip to Mexico a day after the U.S. government issued a travel advisory for that country.)

Sure, I cursed him once or twice while he was away as I tried to fulfill the needs of two kids by myself. When he asked, I told him it was hard, but I didn't complain. I didn't want him to feel guilty about it.

Because, really, so what: I was without my partner for a week. My kids missed their father way more than any of us expected. I operated on very little sleep.

My husband had an experience of a lifetime -- I couldn't deny him that. Isn't that what a partnership's about?

Your love life in six words?

Who knew so much could be said in six words? In honor of Valentine's Day, NPR's "Talk of the Nation" did a great segment on Smith Magazine's new book, "Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak." The book has hundreds of mini-memoirs from famous and regular folks. (Examples: "Don't trust a man who waxes"; "Tried men. Tried women. Like cats"; and "She got Hodgkins lymphoma. I bailed," which is brutal.) People called and e-mailed in to the show to share theirs; some of my favorites: "Beth filled gaps. My wife disagreed." "College boys are really, really awful." "Should have considered nose-hair trimmer."

I then asked a few people to describe their love lives, with cool results:

My Relate co-writer, Alicia: Getting better despite having two kids.

A single male co-worker: My ex scares away cute girls.

A married male co-worker: It's my anniversary. Try me later. (He's an inveterate smart-ass.)

A pal who's a single mom: I wish I had more sex.

And here's mine: High-strung but low-maintenance. Interested?

Get in on the memoir action! Describe your love life in six words.

Addendum: One of my best friends sent hers and I had to add it, because it's pure poetry: "She teetered between desire and disappointment."

A little love knowledge

Opinions abound as to who was the original Valentine; the most popular theory is that he was a clergyman who was executed for secretly marrying couples in ancient Rome (going against the orders of Emperor Claudius II, who thought marriage weakened his soldiers). In any event, in A.D. 496, Pope Gelasius I declared Feb. 14 as Valentine Day, and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. Esther Howland, a Massachusetts native, is given credit for selling the first mass-produced valentine cards in the 1840s. Here's a quick quiz, courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau, which seems to track everything:

1. What’s the average length of first marriages that end in divorce?
A. 3 years
B. 8 years
C. 18 months
D. 5 years

2. How many dating service establishments are there nationwide? Include Internet dating services.
A. 85
B. 904
C. 300
D. 1374

3. How many marriages took place in 2007?
A. 800,000
B. 5 million
C. 1 million
D. 2.2 million

4. What state ranked the most in marriages that year?
A. California
B. Nevada
C. Texas
D. Massachusetts

5. What was the per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2007?
A. 11 pounds
B. 57 pounds
C. 24.5 pounds
D. 104 pounds

And just so you know ...

-- Fifty-seven percent of American women and 60 percent of men age 18 or older are married. (That includes people who are separated).

-- The median time between divorce and a second marriage is 3 1/2 years.

Romantic-sounding places to spend Valentine's Day:
Roseville, Calif.
South Heart, N.D.
Darling township, Minn.
Lovejoy, Ga.
Valentine, Neb.
Loveland, Okla.
Romeoville, Ill.
Loving, N.M.
Romeo, Mich.
Love Valley, N.C.


QUIZ ANSWERS

1. B, 8 years. Maybe there is something to that "seven-year itch."
2. B, 904. So why are so many people still single?
3. D, 2.2 million. That breaks down to a little more than 6,000 a day.
4. A, California. Although so many couples tie the knot in Nevada that it ranked fifth nationally, even though its total population that year among states was 35th.
5. C, 24.5 pounds. No word on how many dentist appointments that adds up to.

Women, spend some time with 'Money'

Ladies, if you haven't already had a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself about money in this recession, now's the time. And Liz Perle's "Money, A Memoir: Women, Emotions, and Cash" is just the book to start the conversation. I've been recommending it to friends and co-workers, and now I want to suggest it to you as well.

Let me tell you up front that this is not easy reading. After the prologue I had to put the book down for a day or two, to steel myself for what was to come. This paragraph is partially what did it:

"Long ago, and not entirely consciously, I made a quiet contract with cash. I would do what it took to get it -- work hard, marry right -- but I didn't want to have to think about it. I simply wanted to know I would be financially secure. This intentional avoidance eventually exacted its price. In the service of sidestepping, whenever possible, my anxious feelings (if not my facts) about money, I've signed over a lot of power to anyone or anything that promised to make me feel financially safe -- no matter what the consequences. I've left my emotions about money -- the fears and ambivalences -- largely unexamined. I've avoided facing my contradictory feelings about the whole subject, such as the fact that I want to have my own money with the independence it gives, while simultaneously hoping someone or something will step up to the plate and take care of me. I've invited these highly emotional and unstable sets of feelings into every relationship I've had, and they have silently accompanied and influenced each one -- with my father, my work, my friends, my bosses, and my husbands. (there have been two -- oddly, both named Steve.)"

Any of that sound familiar? I thought so. And that's just in the prologue. It came soon after Liz talked about how her husband decided he didn't want to be married any more ... and they'd already sold their apartment in New York and had all their belongings steaming across the ocean to join them in Singapore, where they moved for his job. Liz's husband told her to go back to the States and take their 4-year-old son with her. He gave her $1,500. And that was it.

Most women's financial problems aren't as dramatic as that, and Liz interviewed plenty of them for the book. Trust me, as messed up as you think your situation is, there are chicks in the book who will make you feel better about it. Women who get into credit card debt because they buy pretty things to make themselves feel better. Women who are the breadwinners in their family, and they resent their husbands because of it (and the husbands resent them right back). Women who steal cash from their husband's wallets to squirrel away, "just in case." Women who've grown up thinking they'll "marry well," and that's their career plan.

But there's also examples of women who have their lives together, and input from financial experts and sociologists and psychologists who offer explanations of our behavior and some guidance. And throughout, author Liz tells her own story, and shares how she overcame her own manias and misconceptions. Women, no matter where you are in your life, "Money, a Memoir" will open your eyes to your own financial foibles. Oh, and it's available for free at the library. :o)

Counseling shouldn't stop after marriage

I asked a newlywed pal how her marriage was going. She said it was good, but hard. "Because we're both stubborn, and we're older," she explained. (They're in their mid-to-late 30s). It takes work to meld two strong, independent lives.

So the newlymarrieds have decided to keep seeing the person they met for pre-marriage counseling. They don't go often, only when they have a problem they feel they need an objective opinion on. And my friend says it has helped a lot.

I think that going to a counselor is a great idea. More people are marrying later in life -- I have a friend who married for the first time when she was 41. It's not easy to change your life from one where you have your space the way you want it, and your daily schedule the way you want it, to sharing it with another person. Some compromises may be simple; others, not so much. So talking out your issues with a third party who has no stake in the outcome can be a good thing.

Also, the counseling doesn't have to end once newlywed issues have worked themselves out. I heard a recent radio interview with caustic actor-comedian Denis Leary. He's been married for 26 years. He was talking about his new book, "Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid," and offered men advice on marriage counseling:

"Number one: Do it," he said. "You're not gonna find a guy who's more anti-therapy or anti any kind of counseling than me. I'm a stubborn, pigheaded Irishman and that's sort of in my DNA. And it takes me a long time to learn a lesson."

After going through three counselors in about six weeks, Leary said, "We finally went to a male marriage counselor, and it dawned on me -- 'Oh, I'm completely - I'm totally wrong. And emotionally unavailable.' Goes right back to that Irish-Catholic upbringing. Once I figured out I'm wrong, and emotionally unavailable, we started to make some progress.

"I gotta tell you, the male, the man shrink, that's the way to go," Leary continued. "It's a person, a man, who gets paid to sit in a room and listen to women complain about what's wrong with men. It's the female version of hiring a prostitute. ... and it works. Sitting in that room with that guy -- I guess it was because he was finally a guy I listened to him -- I started to realize yeah, you know what? I am not right about most things. I am sometimes right about things in sports and show biz, because I'm a sports fan and I work in show business, but in terms of raising children and making a marriage work, I'm 0 for 7 million. That's my batting average. But I've learned how to learn from the man shrink."

So there you go. If he can learn, can't we all?

Speaking the language of love

Let’s play a little relationship multiple choice.

I feel most loved when the important people in my life:

(a) don’t hesitate to show affection through all sorts of physical manifestations – hugging, kissing, whatever … depending on the person and our relationship.

(b) tell me that they love me and offer other encouraging words. I need to hear it before I can feel it.

(c) stop their busy lives for a little while to talk, walk, go to a movie – doesn’t matter much the activity, as long as we’re spending time together. I crave that connection.

(d) gives me gifts when I don’t expect them – they’re not always expensive, but they’re always thoughtful.

(e) does things for me – washes my car, gives me a shoulder rub after a long day at work, cooks me a great meal. It’s always things that make my life easier or more enjoyable.

Got your answer?

Then you’re on your way to understanding the five love languages as conceived by Gary Chapman, author of a series of books that started with "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate." His theory is that people give and receive love in five ways: through (a) physical touch; (b) words of affirmation; (c) quality time; (d) gifts; and (e) acts of service. You can love someone so much it hurts -- but he won’t feel it if you don’t show that love using his love language.

I’m fairly certain I’m an E, though A probably runs a close second most days. And my husband has figured it out without reading a book – when I’m stalking around in a foul mood, he’ll tell me to soak in a bubble bath while he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. (Or is that code for go soak your head?)

Can’t hone in on just one love language? Could be that you speak several very strongly. Could be that your love language changes depending on the person you’re with, or that your love language has changed over time.

Or could be you’re just high-maintenance. Let your friends, family and significant others be warned.

A pastor's seven-day sex challenge

Have you heard about this? The pastor of a Dallas-area megachurch says that, during this Sunday's sermon, he's gonna challenge his married congregants to have sex for seven straight days.

The Rev. Ed Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he added.

"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."

He plans to deliver his challenge while sitting on a bed in front of his congregation. (Oooh, kinky! Imagine the fantasies he'll inspire.) Also, he and his wife of 26 years will participate in the challenge themselves. They have four kids; no word on if they'll be trying for a fifth.

Which, BTW, makes me wonder: Is it OK to have sex with your spouse if you use contraception? And what if you have a long-term partner, but you're not married -- is it permissible to have sex with them? And I suppose that anyone who is just dating, or gay and has sex is gonna be punished in the hereafter?

The "having sex every night for so many days" idea is nothing new; a Charlotte woman wrote a book about having sex with her husband every day for a year. And while I support the basic idea behind these challenges -- physical intimacy leads to a deeper bond, a greater understanding of each other -- it chafes me that they're limited to married couples. As if people can't be committed without marriage.

Even so, in any kind of relationship sex can fall by the wayside through no fault of the people involved. If it takes a week of physical intimacy to kickstart desire, it's not such a hard cross to bear.

Obamas a fine example of a fine marriage

Anyone paying attention to the state of America today knows what a hot mess President-elect Obama will have to deal with when he takes office in January. I keep coming back to the same thought when I consider the rough road ahead:

Thank goodness he has Michelle.

We'll never know what's really going on in the Obama marriage, but they present a picture of a strong, healthy partnership that I don't think is being faked. Lord knows they'll need it now more than ever.

I followed the entire presidential race, -- yep, almost two years -- and one of the aspects I found myself focusing on was the interaction between the candidates and their spouses. For instance, I became fixated on catching a glimpse of Hillary and Bill Clinton in a full-bodied hug, or seeing them peck on the lips instead of his lips brushing her cheek (I saw neither). And people might call Cindy McCain a robot, but I saw the affectionate glances she tossed her husband's way, and the blue steel of her gaze when she felt insulted on his behalf.

Say what you will about Barack and Michelle Obama -- and plenty people have -- but can there be any doubt that they are a man and woman in love? They're each other's biggest fan. There's an easy intimacy about them that is inspiring. He often refers to her as the love of his life, and sometimes when they're together you get the feeling that at that moment, it's only the two of them, and nothing else matters.

And how did they spend their Friday morning? At a parent-teacher conference at their girls' school. On Halloween, Barack the Dad walked 7-year-old Sasha to a party as Secret Service agents followed at a respectful distance. Even though Michelle the Mom will be First Lady, she has vowed to attend dance recitals and anything else her kids want her there for.

I think the Obamas offer a fine example of what a happy, healthy marriage looks like. There's obvious respect, support and communication there, and a sense that it's a partnership where both sides hold up their end of the bargain and have each other's back. And frankly, I'll feel better knowing my president is happily married and less likely to spend his time trying to get a little something on the side. That way, he can focus on more important things ... like being the leader of the free world.

Poll: Lots of couples clash over clutter

Since I'm in a numbers mood, here's another stat: More than eight in 10 couples view unused items lying around the house as a source of tension in their relationships.

According to Kijiji.com, a free local classifieds Web site, 81% of Americans in relationships own items they’d love to throw away but can’t, because their significant others insist on keeping them. Sound familiar?

The poll says there are about 35 unused items in every household, on which each consumer has spent over $3,600. And it’s not just women hanging on to outfits they're sure will fit again one day; the poll found 31% of men are clogging the closets with old clothes.

Good luck streamlining your lives, couples. If you do get into an argument, remember there's always hot makeup sex.

10 date night ideas under $15

Unless you're a believer in the "no dating" method of saving money, here are some recession-proof date night ideas, courtesy of The Nest (www.thenest.com). Yeah, they're cheesy, but they'll help you think cheap.

FIESTA NIGHT
Here's an idea for some delicious and caliente amusement.

— Novelty sombreros: $10
— Chips and salsa: $5
— Doing the Mexican Hat Dance naked in said novelty sombreros: hilarious
Total: $15


KICKBALL
Positioning you and your sweetie on opposing teams makes for an excellent grudge match and great make-up sex later on.

— Kickball: $5
— Big grassy field: free
— BYOB: whatever you've got at the house
— Cotton T-shirts and markers (clearly you need team jerseys): $2/each if you get at least 12
— Losers buy the pizza: makes things much more interesting
Total: around $10/person

ROMANTIC ITALIAN MEAL
While it's odd to say that dogs once epitomized romance, we loved the scene at the Italian restaurant in “Lady and the Tramp.” Skip the pricey pasta and opt for the cheaper (and cheesier!) pizza instead. Kissing isn't optional.

— 2 slices of pizza: $5
— 2 glasses of wine: $4
— Ice cream for 2: $6
Total: $15


FASHION SHOW
She loves “Project Runway” for the fashion and drama, he loves it for, well, Heidi Klum. Combine your passion for fashion and fun and then take it all off at home.

— Trying on ridiculous outfits at a vintage store: free
— Disposable camera: $6
— Incriminating pictures: priceless
Total: $6


MOVIE NIGHT
Miss the wild abandon of your college days? Have the gang over for beers and movie but save the make out session for later.

— Renting “Old School”: $5
— Inviting your friends over: free
— Going really old school and having people throw in beer money at the door: awesome
— Going streaking through the quad: optional
— Popcorn for 20: $10
Total: $15


WATCHING THE SUN SET
Like our love lives, it's easy to overlook the beautiful things that happen around us everyday. Watch the sun go down and then share a kiss under the stars.

— Blanket to sit on: $6
— Sunglasses: $2/each at your local drugstore
— Lemonade: $1/each
Total: $12


POETRY NIGHT
When it's done right, poetry can express love like no other medium. Remember Byron's “She walks in beauty like night?” Well, bad poetry can be just as evocative and downright hilarious.

— Berets: $10
— Espresso: $5
— Trying to out-do one another with cheesy, horrific poetry about your love for one another: awesome
Total: $15


PEOPLE-WATCHING, AKA ‘CREATE YOUR OWN MOVIE'
Not all dates have to be steamy! Simply spending time together is what dating is all about. Pick a beautiful day to sit on a bench in a park and marvel at the wonders and freaks! of nature.

— Bottle of wine: $8
— Plastic cups: $3
— Bench: free
— Marveling at the wonders of the public: more fun than you think
Total: $11

SILLY SEX NIGHT
We'll let the Wikipedia entry for edible underwear speak for itself on this one: “Edible underwear is a type of undergarment that is formed of an edible material which can be consumed by the partner during sexual activity. In this case, pleasure is heightened by undressing the partner with the mouth. However, this sort of underwear is often given as a gag to friends …”

— Edible panties: $6
— Kama Sutra booklet: $5
— Keeping information about the number of positions you try to yourselves: please do
Total: $11


TAKE A BATH TOGETHER
Hot tubs are overrated! There's fun to be had in your very own bathroom. Rub-a-dub-dub, keep it sexy in the tub.

— Luxurious bath soap and salts: $8
— Back-massaging Loofah: $5
— Getting clean and being dirty at the same time: sexy
Total: $13

Edwards mess: People really think like this?

After returning from a trip down to Alabama this weekend for my 20-year high school reunion (I'll fill you in on that later), I was cleaning out my e-mail when I came across this from a co-worker:

"This is one of the comments on the Edwards story," she wrote. "It disgusts me."

Here's the comment:

"Big deal. The guy got a little outside action. I'm sure he loves his wife and kid and he is concerned about his wife's medical condition. Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife, just don't bring any STDs or unwanted babies home. I'm sure he paid the woman money, paid her rent, gave her hush money, etc. I'm sure she knew he was married. Get all you can Mr. Edwards, just be a little more careful next time."

Get all you can, Mr. Edwards? Are you kidding me?

I want someone to please explain this statement to me: "Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife." How can there be nothing wrong with betraying the trust of someone you supposedly love?

Readers, do you agree with this commenter? Is cheating on your spouse OK, as long as you don't bring home diseases and babies ... and you don't get caught?

Perfecting the art of cuddling

A little quibble that my husband and I seem to have ... OK, OK, it's more an issue I constantly bring up (happy, dear?), is the fact we don't cuddle when we're asleep.

We have a king-sized bed, and every morning I find myself on the Antarctica side of the bed while he's camped out in Greenland territory. I've always thought it romantic to wake up in the arms of my husband, but alas, it just never happens.

In my search to see if cuddling is an issue in most relationships, I dug up this comical YouTube video (above) on the "art" of cuddling.

Do most of you couples out there fall asleep and then wake up with arms and legs interlocked? Or, are my husband and I not alone when it comes to waking up facing opposing bedroom walls?

Relationship Mad Lib

Are you tired of playing soduku or Pogo's 'poppit' online? Here’s an entertaining outlet that not only could be rather humorous, but it might also enlighten your partner -- Relationship Mad Lib! As a kid, I loved filling out creative mad libs, (a word game that prompts one to list words for blanks in a story) and who says we can’t still “play” them as adults?

Here’s a mad lib – applicable to either married folks or singles. I’ll paste mine below, and I hope some of you will copy and paste your answers in the comments section. (And, yes, I came up with this on my own!)

Here goes, and oh, have some fun!

Dreaming Up The Perfect Date

If I were to go on a perfect date, I’d love to take ______ (date’s name) to ______ (city name). We would begin our evening by going to a _______ (adjective) restaurant, where we’d eat lots of ______ (food) and ______ (food). Spending the evening ______ (“ing” verb) at ______'s (date's name) ______ (body part, something similar) would definitely top off the best time together. For dessert, I want to take ______ (date’s name) to the fun ______ (place). There, we’ll jump on the large red _______ (noun) and I’ll buy him/her the ______ (adjective) present, such as a ______ (adjective) ______ (noun).
You know, it’s amazing how dating someone so ________ (adjective) and ______ (adjective) can complete me. I’ve always wanted a man/woman who had a large ______ (noun) and who wants to ______ (verb) with me. Our night would end ______ (adverb) with his/her ______ (body part) on my ______ (noun).

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Alisha's version:

If I were to go on a perfect date, I’d love to take Richard to Miami. We would begin our evening by going to a semi-fancy restaurant, where we’d eat lots of steak and cheesecake. Spending the evening staring at Richard's smile would definitely top off the best time together. For dessert, I want to take Richard to the fun amusement park. There, we’ll jump on the large red ferris wheel and I’ll buy him/her the biggest present, such as a black gorilla.
You know, it’s amazing how dating someone so compassionate and honest can complete me. I’ve always wanted a man/woman who had a large sense of humor and who wants to laugh with me. Our night would end sweetly with his/her hands on my face.

Trend: Divorced couples living together

Gas prices, foreclosures, going green and bad credit are the hot buzzwords of 2008, and in these trying economic times, we’re all going about our lives with a different mindset than we did even five years ago.

One example of the changing times: Divorced couples are living together in the same house because they cannot afford to divide their assets, sell their house and move on.

Last week, The Boston Globe’s Lisa Prevost examined one divorced couple’s experience of trying to sell their home in a down market, all while having to cohabitate with their children.

When I first heard of the article, I immediately thought of a few friends who are in Charlotte and in the same predicament. It’s further proof this dilemma is not confined to just metropolitan cities like Boston, but it is in fact right in our own neighborhoods.

There are so many issues with divorced couples living together – too many to list and everyone’s situation is unique depending on children, finances and other intangibles – that it is hard for me to judge anyone going through it. But there is one important lesson to be gleaned from this new trend: It further enforces the idea that marriage is a long-term commitment and you need to be truly ready to take that step.

Heaven knows you don't want the future to include you living in the basement while your ex resides in the attic.

Gay marriage: It's about time!

As I sat scrolling through the wire photos of people getting married today, the first full day that gay couples could get married in California, I almost started bawling at my desk. Everyone seemed to glow with happiness as they received marriage licenses or kissed after completing their vows. I think it's awesome they now have the option, and I'm optimistic about this step we've taken toward total equality in the U.S.

Just as many black Americans thought they'd never see a black man with a serious chance at becoming president in their lifetime, many gays thought they'd never have the legal right to get married. It's been quite a year, huh? And we're only halfway through it!

It was particularly touching for me to see photos of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom as he performed ceremonies and celebrated with newly wedded couples. (He officiated at the wedding of Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84, in the photo above. Del and Phyllis have been together for over 50 years and were the first gay couple to marry in San Francisco.) Years ago, I watched while Newsom, then a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, stood onstage with 100 or so couples (two of my good friends included) as they were legally given domestic partnership status.

I was later best woman when those same friends had their commitment ceremony. The room overflowed with love and support as we rejoiced in their union. I doubt my friends will get married any time before November; ever cautious of their future, they'd want to be sure the legality of the marriages would stand. But I bet they'll be partying up a storm this weekend in San Francisco. I only wish I could be there with them.

How do you feel about the legalization of same-sex marriage? Are you as thrilled as I am? Are you over the topic and ready to move on? Or do you think allowing gay marriage takes the country in the wrong direction?

This issue teeters on 'Poison'

Here's a marital dilemma.

Husband wants to go and see Bret Michaels play at Alley Cat tonight. Wife wants to see the "Rock of Love" rocker as well, but she's not too keen on the $44.50-per-ticket fee.

You read that right - $90 to listen to the obvious (duh, roses have thorns) and see the obvious (women throwing themselves at the bandana-wearing 40-year-old-something stud -- or, wait, is he 50?) And you know once husband and wife buy a few drinks, the tab will be over $100.

Granted, husband says he understands it is a lot of dough to shell out and is relying on wife to be the "voice of reason." Understanding husband tells loving wife he realizes the cost is high and if it's not a smart decision, the couple just won't go to the concert ... but then he quickly follows up with "but I really, really, really want to go!"

Here's the issue: how can wife turn down husband's request to purchase said tickets when she herself recently signed up for a YMCA membership that roughly equals the same price as the concert tickets? Wife wants to be fair, and there has to be some give-and-take, right?

Surely all married folk have been through this sort of issue before. It's not huge in the great scheme of things; however, it does reflect on the core values of a marriage, including compromise and budget managing.

So, what would you do?

P.S.: Ahem, ahem, details in this entry were changed to protect the marriage.