Friday, January 23, 2009

I slept with him ... now, silence

From a worried reader:

"I have had feelings for this friend of mine for a few years, but nothing has ever really happened between the two of us until recently (we live in separate cities). We actually took the friendship to a more physical level over the holidays. We did speak the day after and he said everything was cool and not awkward, but it's been a few weeks since I heard from him and now I am afraid that our friendship is over. Do you think friendships can overcome a one-night stand? Also, a female friend of his recently wrote on his Facebook wall that she missed and loved him sooo much! Now, do you tell your male friends that you love them? I usually don't. Is this a red flag?"

I'm confused about this question. Does she want a romantic relationship with him or a friendship -- and which is more important to her?

Deirdre: I feel sure she wants a romantic relationship. And that's the problem.

Alicia: No kidding. If they haven't talked about that possibility, I fear that ship has sailed.

Deirdre: She's right, Reader. I know you don't want to hear this now, but you should've talked it out with the guy before you fell into bed together. And while I do think friendships can withstand a one-night stand, in your case, I don't recommend it. You want more than he does. If you and he were on the same page, you wouldn't still be waiting to hear from him.

Do you think it would hurt for her to lay her cards on the table, though? I know I'd feel awfully coulda-shoulda-woulda if I didn't at least tell him how I felt, knowing that he probably wouldn't reciprocate. But then, I've been known to be a glutton for punishment.

Deirdre: OK. I used to feel the same need for closure. But experience has taught me that when you pursue it, you're just asking to be hurt. People have a tendency to make excuses for romantic prospects when they don't act right. He hasn't lost her number. He's not too busy to call. He just ... won't. Now, can we discuss this Facebook chick?

That's a whole other side of putting yourself out there. Sounds like she had one too many cocktails before declaring her looove.

Deirdre: Yes, Reader, it's a red flag. She's totally making a play for him, and in a public, marking-her-territory way.

Alicia: Well, in this case, Reader, you might take comfort in this: I bet he hasn't called her, either.

Deirdre: HA! And as for using the "L" word with male friends, I tell some of my guy friends that I love them. But they know perfectly well I don't mean it THAT WAY. Again, it comes down to communicating, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

Alicia: I've learned that one the hard way. Well, I guess communication is a good way to check the situation -- or soften the blow of disappointment -- before you open yourself up to someone.

Deirdre: But take heart, Reader! You're not in the same city, so you probably won't run into him at a club and get arrested for punching him in the face! Seriously, though, learn from this experience and count yourself lucky that you didn't get involved with him. You deserve better than a man who neglects you for weeks. Now, get a great outfit together -- you're going out this weekend!

What about you, other readers? What's the relationship miscommunication you'll never forget?


Ana said...

The risk of one-night stand... is that you can get attached while the other just move on. Maybe you were not emotiaonally prepared to take the risk or take it that way and in fact, you are expecting more that one night.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, women are always confusing "sex" with "love". Thats sad.

Anonymous said...

An honest man says,

Guys only are good friends with girls because one of the following things 3 exists.
1. he wants to do her
2. he is doing her
3. he would do her

There is no "just friends" this is unspoken male genetics...once you concurred the task at hand you move on… or if you hit a dry spell and it was good you might "revisit" the situation...

Big Pimpin' said...

You got Plaaayed!!

Anonymous said...

My advice is to move on and stop wasting your time wondering why he did this and why he didn't do that. Even if you think he is, pretend that he is less than worth your time. I'm not saying to go out of your way to make him feel like crap, as it seems like he's doing to you, but live your life as if it was just a fling for you too and you are perfectly fine. The reality is, he doesn't and will never understand how it feels for you, but he is NOT the be all end all of men. From the sound of it, I don't think he is even in the top 50% of good men in Charlotte. Have fun with your girlfriends, flirt with guys, and the more he sees how great your life is, without him in it, he will probably regret the way he has treated you. (That still doesn't mean he's going to come crawling back to you with apologies, but he will realize that your world does not revolve around him, nor should it.)
As for the Facebook thing, I know plenty of girls that say things similar to guys like that all the time. All it means is he's got a lively friend who may not necessarily be in love with him, but loves him, as a person and misses seeing him. It doesn't seem to me like a profession of love, but rather a reminder from an old friend that she wants to catch up with someone she cares about and it's time to hang out. People read way too much into FB postings.

Danbo59 said...

This is just a sample of the problems incurred when you take sexual intimacy outside of it's rightful place -- marriage.

The most beautiful, meaningful thing that one can give another -- their whole self -- means nothing when you've shared the same thing with a dozen others.

Shame on you.

Deirdre McGruder said...

Keep it clean, people. You can share your opinion without insulting the Reader, who asked for our opinion, or being vulgar.

Anonymous said...

In this case, I think this male "friend" totally used the girl. I have no doubt he knew about her feelings and used that to sleep with her. If he was really a friend and cared for and respected her, he would never have crossed the line. Clearly he has no romantic intent, or he would have called. Time to move on. This girl deserves better.

Anonymous said...

Is she cute? Send me her email address! :)

Cedar Posts and Life Floating By said...

Too Funny!!!

First Myspace is fake, so nothing said there matters. I have 365 myspace "friends" and the stuff they say is unprintable, immoral and its all fake!

As for the adventure, forget about it! If there was anything magic about the moment he would have been at your door the following weekend.

But as George told Julianne in My Best Friend's Wedding: "Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing!"

Anonymous said...

Follow the one really smart comment made in Alicia & Deirdre's response. Communicate! Did you ever think that this guy might be thinking "Holy crap! What do I do now? She hasn't spoken to me in weeks." Guys don't analyze the heck out of situations, so when the time comes for them to actually do it, they often freeze and wait for someone else to clarify the situation. So far the advice that you've been given is to abandon your "friendship", all because of assumptions about what he feels. How will you ever know if you don't ask him. You've got nothing else to lose. If it goes badly...he was going to be out of your life anyway. Right?

Anonymous said...

go sleep with his best friend. That will show him.

Superman said...

Your first move should be to write in to some lame advice blog written by two ladies on the down side of 35 at the local paper. That should really help you solve your problems.
If this blog doesn't help, try stalking him.

Anonymous said...

I would have to agree with "an Honest man says" about guys only being friends with girls that he wants to do, is doing or would do. I really didn't think about it at the time but now that I look back in college I had several girl/friends, study partners, etc. All of them but one I though were beautiful, attractive women at least to me. Some had boyfriends, some didn't. I wish i could say that they were friends with benefits but they weren't. I had a girlfriend which i stayed faithful to as well who went to another college. Oh yea and the one friend that wasn't attractive had a roomate that was.

Really what i'm trying to say is that now out of college for several years everyone has moved on and I've pretty much lost touch with all of them except one. She was my best friend while in college for 4 years and we continue to keep in contact to this day but that's because I still see her everyday..........oh yea did I mention that my best friend is now my wife!!! It could happen it took 5 years until we were able to communicate to each other our true feelings. It's our initial friendship that bonds our marriage together today.

Either way it turns out for you always stay true to yourself.

Anonymous said...

Let's take this bit by bit:

"I have had feelings for this friend of mine for a few years, but nothing has ever really happened between the two of us until recently (we live in separate cities). We actually took the friendship to a more physical level over the holidays."

Translation: We'd had a few drinks and one or both of us figured 'what the heck' and got naked. As we live in separate cities, it seemed a low risk hook up-- if it was good, then fine, if not, easy to chalk it up as a one nighter.

"We did speak the day after and he said everything was cool and not awkward, but it's been a few weeks since I heard from him and now I am afraid that our friendship is over."

I felt weird about it when my wine buzz was gone. I freaked a little and ask if he felt awkward- which freaked him out.

"Do you think friendships can overcome a one-night stand? Also, a female friend of his recently wrote on his Facebook wall that she missed and loved him sooo much! Now, do you tell your male friends that you love them? I usually don't. Is this a red flag?"

I'm insecure and obsessive-- I look over the FB page of a guy who isn't even living in my city and I'm threatened by other women's posts. Oh, and I want to tell him I 'love' him. I think. That is, if other people tell their male friends that.

This is a scatterbrained letter from an immature woman and I'd run, too. Don't wait by the phone. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Get over yourself Danbo59. Don't judge others with your own self-righteous measuring stick.

Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

ahhhahahaha.. wham bam, later mam

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Poor girl. I am so glad I've been there, done that. There's no worse feeling that wondering if he feels the same as you do, and 9 times out of 10, the male rarely is seeking any type of deep connection from a one night stand. Poster, this will make you stronger. It hurts like heck now, but I'm sure the next time around, you will think a little bit longer before "exposing" your feelings (via sex) again.

BlkPr said...

I'm a male and I went thru the samething you did. My friend and I were best friends since the 8th grade. I would call her to talk about women and she would call me to talk about guys. This was the case while we were in college as well. Like you one Christmas break we went out for drinks and one thing lead to another. We didn't speak for 5 months after that. Let me tell you my best friend has been my wife for 13 years now. What you need to do is pick up the phone and let him know how you're feeling. I bet he feels the same way you don't. Don't let precious time pass away b/c the facebook chick might steal your man. Pick up the phone and call!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Aside from the fact that this is what happens when you have sex outside of marriage - you know, if the two of you really had been good friends for a long time (and I don't mean just seeing him out in bars and chatting - but real friendship - which I do think is capable between guys and girls) - then there is always the possibility that he is wondering why he hasn't heard from you and that you think it was a mistake. Bottom line is - if the two of you were really friends, you could both talk about this and get it out in the open.

Anonymous said...

There's nothing at all wrong with hooking up with your friends. Call him up and do it again.

Larry said...

From a married (33 Great Years) Man. All men have a standard for a real woman. Gasp, yes we have a standard and one you will not like.

Men will try to get in bed with any woman who will let them but those are the women they will never take home to meet Mom. See the high standards we have!

In fact only when guys get old and desperate will they marry those left overs and they are the two or three year marriages again and again.

And that running around with Married Guys. Never works out.

Those guys are insecure and you make them feel more secure so you are feeding off of each other.

The problem is that you only see each other at work etc. and that is when everyone is showered and in their best clothes. Wait till you see him in his eating clothes watching the game and see how impressive he is especially when you see how much debt he is really in.

Anonymous said...

I've never been a fan of the "one night stand." Someone always gets attached, where the other one thinks of it as just "getting some." I know women and men who both think that the sex will turn into a relationship, when it was just sex w/ the person they were with.

I've tried the one night stand thing before and although I don't regret it, it was a bad experience that let me wondering what the "experience" the partner had did for was terrible! Needless to say, from that, I learned that it's not what it's cracked up to be and I'm a relationship kind of gal! Now I'm with the love of my life and I couldn't be happier!

Don't be yourself up, everyone makes mistakes, the best thing you can do is move on. If you are friends still, fine, if not, that's fine, too. You will be okay.

Anonymous said...

One night stands are ridiculous. One of the people (usually the girl) is always saying that they 'don't care' and 'everything is cool', and 'I'm not expecting more'. Nonsense. Someone is ALWAYS expecting more. You have feelings for this man, and (pardon my to-the-point harshness) if he felt the same for you, then he would be dying to see you again. Enough of this rationalizing and picking it to pieces, move on. This is so typical of women. Stop giving him all the power! The power to ruin your day or corrupt your thoughts. It's not worth it! It's not worth your time. You deserve a man who is going to want to see you and talk to you, and won't be afraid to do so. What do you want, some chicken $%*! of a man who is afraid to pick up the phone and tell you that he likes you? I mean - you say you've been friends all these years - you should be able to talk to one another.

Bottom line, it sounds like he is a young, immature guy who simply isn't looking for something more. Please move on. Believe me, once you stop focusing on this guy, you will start focusing on the fact that you deserve way more - there ARE great guys here in Charlotte. You just don't see them because you're so jaded by this one.

Anonymous said...

Either call him to talk to him, or let it go. Mind-reading or guessing about his motives with girlfriends or strangers won't get at the truth of the matter.

Unlike most of the posters, I don't think the guy is definitely one type of player or feeling one thing. Maybe he really does have feelings for you but is too shy to bring them up. Maybe he is embarassed and can't face you. Maybe he's just happy he scored but disappointed in the sex.

But you'll never know if you don't ask.

And the girl on Facebook isn't a red flag--it's some girl being expressive for all to see. Not all attention grabs reflect reality--especially ONLINE.

BigMikey said...

Call him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that this is exactly what you didn't want. Maybe he feels the same regret and/or awkwardness. There's a reason things are always different after the fact. Sex is emotional, not just physical. Maybe he's decided not to deal, or doesn't know how to deal, with that side of it. Bottom line, call him, and then you'll know the deal. Don't call him, and there's a good chance that he will always be what he is right now: a mistake.

Danbo59 said...

Anonymous bravely wrote, "Anonymous said...
Get over yourself Danbo59. Don't judge others with your own self-righteous measuring stick.

Shame on you."

Well, anonymous, if I need to get over myself at least I know who to get over. You on the other hand, don't even sign in so that we can tell what posts you've made.

I don't judge people -- I judge actions. Sex outside of marriage is immoral and contrary to the will of God. Talk about disorder, you can see right there the results of such a misguided lifestyle.

So, get over your anonymous self and grow up. At least I have a moral measuring stick to adhere to. As for your stick, I know what you probably did with it.