This dilemma is a sign of the times

Double wallop: The boyfriend of a good friend of mine lost his job, then she lost hers. Both are now searching near and far for work.

He's got a strong lead in another state, but it's a government gig, so the process is moving slow. She's looking for jobs in that same city, but elsewhere as well.

Here's the rub: My friend and her man have only known each other for nine months. They agree that they want to make a go of the relationship, but the job thing could hamper their efforts.

I recently had dinner with her and another friend, and we discussed the situation. My other girlfriend was all about her hitching her wagon to the boyfriend. Where he goes, she should go too, whether she has a job or not, because they're really digging each other. I was in the camp of driving her wagon next to his, but not hitching hers to his. Maybe it's because I've been independent for so long, but I think she should be putting herself first right now. The best outcome would be if they found jobs in the same area. But if right gig for her came along someplace else and he was unwilling to move to be with her, so be it. Long-distance romance until the economy improves.

I used to believe in love at first sight, and "when you meet The One, you'll know right away" and all that, but time has made me feel differently. I'm still a romantic, but I also think that people -- subconsciously or not -- are on their best behavior the first 18 months or so of a relationship. They're still trying to impress each other and may be more willing to make compromises and sacrifices. But with time, some couples wind up wondering what they saw in each other in the first place.

I've seen too many women wind up in bad situations because they tied their entire lives to their man. I've seen too many men in unhappy relationships because they feel a sense of obligation and believe they "have" to stay. Give your heart to someone ... but don't forget to take care of yourself.

What say you, readers? Do you think my friend should go with her boyfriend even if she doesn't have a job? Or should she be all about finding the best job and situation for herself, even if it means they might not be together?

Hold the compliments, mom

It started innocently enough, and the comment I made was meant in the most innocuous way.

I was complimenting a co-worker's hairstyle, and she pulled the hair back from her forehead in frustration. (She did not like her 'do of the day, needless to say.)

Then I said it: "You have a beautiful widow's peak. You should draw attention to it."

And she replied: "That's what my mother always said."

She called me her mother -- which amounted to calling me my mother, who always offers this back-handed piece of advice to me: "You should keep your hair short. It always looks so nice when it's short."

Which means, from her view, that my hair never looks nice when it's not.

Why do we do that -- offer advice, innocently or not, when they person you're talking to hasn't asked for it? It happens all too often. Not so long ago, I stopped at the store for a few things and ran into a distant acquaintance who looked at my kids and asked if they were mine. I thought she wanted to make a little small talk. "He's getting a little far away from you," she said of my son -- as if I would let my 4-year-old explore the store on his own. And then she went on her way.

I didn't need that advice. And my friend at work didn't need my input on her hairstyle.

A very wise friend of mine has vowed not to give advice to friends and family, even if it's solicited. She'll listen to you intently. She'll ask how you how you're feeling or leaning. She'll offer support. But she won't give advice. It rarely works out well for her, she says.

Maybe she has the right approach.

'Tough Love' an easy sell

I don't often recommend "reality" dating shows (I mean, I watch Bret Michaels' "Rock of Love," but I wouldn't tell any you to tune in), but VH1 is really on to something with its new series "Tough Love." So much so, I've found myself recommending it to friends, and I suggest you guys watch it, too.

The thing that makes this show stand out is that, like the book "He's Just Not That Into You," the male reaction is front and center. No matter what these chicks do, there's always a segment where the host, real-life matchmaker Steve Ward, lets them see what the men they interacted with really think, so they can learn from it. Hence the title.

It's funny and painful and a great idea. And it makes for entertaining and informative TV.



In the "Tough Love" boot camp, Steve works with ladies who represent archetypes of single women (here's the "cast" with Steve and his mom JoAnn in the middle; the duo runs Master Matchmakers in Philadelphia). There's the gold-digger, who will only date men with money and has never held a real job. There's the chick who likes to take on men with problems, so she can "fix" them. There's the former stripper with serious intimacy issues. There's the 25-year-old who has already planned her wedding and tells men on the first date that she wants to get married and have her first kid by age 29. There's Miss Picky, who wears a tiara and a wedding ring (because she's committed to herself -- no kidding) and has a loooooooong list of requirements for her perfect man. There's Miss Ball-Breaker, an aggressive, braggart of a woman who enjoys intimidating men. There's Miss Lone Ranger, a 38-year-old who's focused on her career for so long, she hasn't made time for a man. And then there's the "Fatal Attraction" chick who becomes way too attached, way too fast when she meets a suitable mate.

Like I said earlier, the best part is that the women get to find out what men think of them. In the first episode, they each had to stroll past three guys, and the guys told Steve what they thought of each woman. The women later got to see what the men said. Steve's point? Women are being judged by men all the time, everywhere they go, based on how they look. Also in that episode the women went to a mixer and later saw see footage of how they interacted with men and what the men thought of them. (One poor girl didn't make an impression on any of them -- they couldn't even remember who she was. Ouch.)

While these women are extreme, it's easy to see some of ourselves in them. While we might not pick our nose on the first date as the ball-breaker did, we might talk about our accomplishments a little too much in an effort to impress. And while we might not have a "tiara test" like Miss Picky, most of us probably have a mental checklist we consult as we try to decide if we want to see someone again.

Whether you're married or single, dating or taking a break, "Tough Love" is worth watching -- even better in a group, so you can discuss. New episodes air Sunday nights at 10 and repeat during the week.

Sleep through the recession? Tempting, but ...

I had Friday off, which was unusual. As I prepared for bed Thursday night, I excitedly planned the next day. I'd go to yoga class. I'd visit IKEA. I'd clean my kitchen.

Instead, what I did was sleep. Almost the entire day. I only staggered from bed that night because I was hungry.

Some people clean like crazy when they're stressed. Others compulsively eat. I slide into deep sleep. It's the ultimate avoidance tactic -- you can't think about how bad life is if you're unconscious.

Have you ever slept for, like, 12-13 hours? The more you sleep, the more your body wants to sleep. When you finally get up, it's as if you've been drugged. Your head feels full of cotton and your body aches. There's guilt at having slept the day away, with nothing to show for it at the end. And then there's the ultimate problem: your life is still there, just as stressful as when you went to bed.

I think people who live alone have to be careful not to isolate themselves, especially now. It's so easy to turn your home into a cocoon and never leave it, but that "safety" can foster a sense of hopelessness and contribute to a spiral of depression. I know because I've been there, and I know how easy it is to go there again.

I had that sleepfest on Friday, but I pulled myself out of it on Saturday. By Sunday I was at the movies with a friend. We had dinner after, and a long talk. We discussed the very things I had slept to avoid. I told her about my fears, she shared hers. We plotted plans of attack on problems, instead of wallowing in them. I was still stressed after, but I also felt more empowered.

Avoidance and denial are temptations too hard to resist sometimes. I think the key is to not beat yourself up for giving in. Talk to friends, talk to family. Don't build that cocoon.

I slept with him ... now, silence

From a worried reader:

"I have had feelings for this friend of mine for a few years, but nothing has ever really happened between the two of us until recently (we live in separate cities). We actually took the friendship to a more physical level over the holidays. We did speak the day after and he said everything was cool and not awkward, but it's been a few weeks since I heard from him and now I am afraid that our friendship is over. Do you think friendships can overcome a one-night stand? Also, a female friend of his recently wrote on his Facebook wall that she missed and loved him sooo much! Now, do you tell your male friends that you love them? I usually don't. Is this a red flag?"

Alicia: I'm confused about this question. Does she want a romantic relationship with him or a friendship -- and which is more important to her?

Deirdre: I feel sure she wants a romantic relationship. And that's the problem.

Alicia: No kidding. If they haven't talked about that possibility, I fear that ship has sailed.

Deirdre: She's right, Reader. I know you don't want to hear this now, but you should've talked it out with the guy before you fell into bed together. And while I do think friendships can withstand a one-night stand, in your case, I don't recommend it. You want more than he does. If you and he were on the same page, you wouldn't still be waiting to hear from him.

Alicia: Do you think it would hurt for her to lay her cards on the table, though? I know I'd feel awfully coulda-shoulda-woulda if I didn't at least tell him how I felt, knowing that he probably wouldn't reciprocate. But then, I've been known to be a glutton for punishment.

Deirdre: OK. I used to feel the same need for closure. But experience has taught me that when you pursue it, you're just asking to be hurt. People have a tendency to make excuses for romantic prospects when they don't act right. He hasn't lost her number. He's not too busy to call. He just ... won't. Now, can we discuss this Facebook chick?

Alicia: That's a whole other side of putting yourself out there. Sounds like she had one too many cocktails before declaring her looove.

Deirdre: Yes, Reader, it's a red flag. She's totally making a play for him, and in a public, marking-her-territory way.

Alicia: Well, in this case, Reader, you might take comfort in this: I bet he hasn't called her, either.

Deirdre: HA! And as for using the "L" word with male friends, I tell some of my guy friends that I love them. But they know perfectly well I don't mean it THAT WAY. Again, it comes down to communicating, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

Alicia: I've learned that one the hard way. Well, I guess communication is a good way to check the situation -- or soften the blow of disappointment -- before you open yourself up to someone.

Deirdre: But take heart, Reader! You're not in the same city, so you probably won't run into him at a club and get arrested for punching him in the face! Seriously, though, learn from this experience and count yourself lucky that you didn't get involved with him. You deserve better than a man who neglects you for weeks. Now, get a great outfit together -- you're going out this weekend!

What about you, other readers? What's the relationship miscommunication you'll never forget?

Cussin' up a public, political storm

One of the most fascinating aspects about the impending fall of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is the excerpts from his wiretapped conversations. The man talks like he's filming a Quentin Tarantino movie, only not quite as clever.

"I've got this thing and it's (expletive) golden," Blagojevich said of his authority to appoint the replacement for President-elect Obama's Senate seat, "and I'm just not giving it up for (expletive) nothing."

And his wife is right there with him on the cussin' front. She unleashed an obscenity-filled tirade suggesting Tribune Co. ownership should "just fire" Chicago Tribune editorial writers if the company wanted the state to help it unload Wrigley Field.

"Hold up that (expletive) Cubs (expletive)," she's quoted as saying in the background as her husband talked on the phone. "(Expletive) them."

OK. I cuss. Quite a bit. I've never believed that business about how you're not a lady if you use foul language. I swear in English and in German, and sometimes in French. But even I got a little slack-jawed when I heard what came out of the Blogojeviches' potty mouths.

I really began to question my own use of salty language when I read this story, which mentions a 2006 study that found 74 percent of Americans frequently or occasionally hear people cursing in public and that most believe the use of profanity is on the rise.

But, “there's a huge difference between a person who drops a swear word once in a while and a person who uses it in every other sentence,” the story quoted Peter Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and an author and lecturer on business etiquette, as saying. “There's a certain level of arrogance in it that says I can do anything I want, I can speak any way that I want.”

Noooo, I don't feel that way. I moderate my language depending on who I'm talking to, of course. In casual conversations with friends I may pepper my sentences with profanity, but even so, I don't think I'm as blue as the Blagojeviches. Or am I? I wonder what tapes of my conversations would sound like?

I don't think I'll give up swear words completely -- in many situations a "gosh darn" or "crap" just doesn't cut it -- but I will make an effort to use less of them.

What about you? Do you use profanity in everyday language? Have the Blogojeviches made you rethink your cussin'?