Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Can you find love without looking?

As my friend and I once were lamenting the lack of a love life, my friend told me that, although she truly desired a serious relationship, she did not wish to seek. She wanted to be found.

It's not that my friend never got offers. She received invites for dates regularly.

She just never accepted them, finding reasons to turn down one guy because of one fault, and the next guy for a completely different fault. The criticisms generally were superficial because she never gave the guys a chance. (In the interest of full disclosure, I will confess that I once seriously considered dumping a guy because he held his fork in a really annoying way.)

But as for the not seeking, but being found: I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. If you want something in your life -- from the trivial to the intrinsic -- don't you have to seek it at some level? Don't you have to do some research, some self-examination -- or, at the very least, some thinking?

If you want it, don't you have to work for it?

Your search might not take you down the intended path. When I met my husband, I was actually scamming for his friend. I soon found out the friend was a donkey. And my husband wasn't. Most days.

That discovery required a search.

Being found sounds magical. It seems effortless. But, in the end, I wonder if sticking with that plan would prove more effort than it's worth.


Anonymous said...

Deirdre should definitely make the effort ... If Love hasnt 'found' her this late in life, it probably never will

Anonymous said...

Silly idea. And a game plan in which the lady deserves her loneliness, and a big stamp on her forehead for otherwise would be suitable suitors to stay away.

Women who are always finding faults, and don't "give guys a chance" are women who need to be passed on like a used car with worn tires and busted tail lights.

The whole "wanting to be found" thing is a childhood abandonment issue probably stemming from an inattentive, or absent father or other general related stereotype .
You know as in "come rescue me" from my narcissism please.

As far as finding love without looking.... is that not how it MOSTLY happened before the internet came along?

Mine and I were part of the friends the benefits sector for ten years before realizing in all our efforts to find the one, we already had..each other....the psychology goes deeper of course, but it is not so spaghettied that we became to stupid to NOT drop it as a topic of conversation, and now we just live love and laugh like always ceptin' no e wear wedding rings and share a last name and a house and dogs bills cats kids....and

Mary said...

I'm inclined to think your friend doesn't truly desire a serious relationship. She has other things in her life that make her happy.

As for the not seeking, but being found: we seek what we already know in our minds, we can be found by the new and unexpected. If she gets out and meets people, which I assume she does because she gets asked out regularly, then she will experience as much as she wants.

Anonymous said...

(love that magical word:)

"can you find love without looking?"
Of course,it happens all the time!

I for one definitely believe in SERENDIPITY!
It happens all the time too, in LIFE and LOVE and makes all the difference in my life!

SERENDIPITY to your friend!

you mention WORK at it?
what is that saying ....
"all work and no play.....makes for a very ....DULL.....Jack or Paddy?

Serendipity and love both so magical I say when finding you!


Anonymous said...

Before the Internet dating sites, people went out to bars and clubs to "meet people," and how many of those hook ups really ever lasted?

Most people I've ever known did just happen to meet the person they ended up marrying. That doesn't sound like "work" to me. And that's what this woman is talking about - she just wants that to happen to her.

The other side of the coin is where a woman joins 10 dating sites, does Speed Dating, everything you can think of and people label her as "trying too hard" or "desperate."

It's not easy finding love no matter your "method," and if you haven't been in this woman's shoes, keep your snide remarks to yourself.