Men asked, they answered

Today, lifestyle site AskMen.com revealed the results of The Great Male Survey, which polled more than 50,000 men on their views about relationships, finance, fashion and more.

“The results of the 2009 survey confirmed that men aren't the bumbling sex maniacs that TV shows and commercials make us out to be," said James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen.com. "We're in fact intelligent, romantic, self-aware beings … with enormous libidos.”

Some of the results:

– 84 percent of men look for wife potential in a girlfriend.

– 85 percent of men believe that they should pay for the majority of dates at least until a relationship is established.

– 70 percent of men would not cheat, but only 13 percent are entirely satisfied with their sex lives.

– 84 percent cook at home.

– 50 percent are comfortable with their significant other staying in touch with an ex.

– 69 percent have fantasized about a girlfriend or wife's friend.

– 73 percent of men are comfortable sending birthday wishes via text message, versus a phone call or face-to-face greeting.

– 81 percent of respondents say that the economic crisis has not had a direct negative effect on their career progress; yet it did prompt 69 percent of men to save more money in 2009.

– The best-dressed men are in Italy.

– American men have greater moral qualms about living with a partner before marriage, are more likely to fake an orgasm (!!), and are more concerned about global warming than their male counterparts in Australia, UK and Canada.

In addition, AskMen.com partnered with Yahoo! Shine for The Great Female Survey, which had about 19,000 respondents. Highlights:

– 34 percent of women said their confidence is their main weapon to attract men.

– 17 percent use their looks as their secret weapon.

– 39 percent of women believe Sarah Palin set women back 20 years.

– More than 75 percent believe that women of this era are best identified as “do-it-all multi-taskers” versus the 8 percent who feel that a woman should be identified as a nurturing mother and the 13 percent who think of women as “career women go-getters.”

Comparative results revealed:

– Men are more traditional, women are less traditional.

– 12 percent fewer women than men believe that marriage is a necessary institution that they will participate in to help preserve.

– 48 percent of men said they would dump a girlfriend if she became fat (c'mon, guys!), while 70 percent of women said they would keep a husky boyfriend around.

– 60 percent of men would take the male birth control pill and 68 percent of women would prefer that option too.

Are the results what you expected? I was surprised at how many men thought they should pay for more dates at the beginning of the relationship ... and that so few are satisfied with their sex lives. Also, I say bring on that male birth control pill!

You can view full survey results here and here.

'Tough Love' an easy sell

I don't often recommend "reality" dating shows (I mean, I watch Bret Michaels' "Rock of Love," but I wouldn't tell any you to tune in), but VH1 is really on to something with its new series "Tough Love." So much so, I've found myself recommending it to friends, and I suggest you guys watch it, too.

The thing that makes this show stand out is that, like the book "He's Just Not That Into You," the male reaction is front and center. No matter what these chicks do, there's always a segment where the host, real-life matchmaker Steve Ward, lets them see what the men they interacted with really think, so they can learn from it. Hence the title.

It's funny and painful and a great idea. And it makes for entertaining and informative TV.



In the "Tough Love" boot camp, Steve works with ladies who represent archetypes of single women (here's the "cast" with Steve and his mom JoAnn in the middle; the duo runs Master Matchmakers in Philadelphia). There's the gold-digger, who will only date men with money and has never held a real job. There's the chick who likes to take on men with problems, so she can "fix" them. There's the former stripper with serious intimacy issues. There's the 25-year-old who has already planned her wedding and tells men on the first date that she wants to get married and have her first kid by age 29. There's Miss Picky, who wears a tiara and a wedding ring (because she's committed to herself -- no kidding) and has a loooooooong list of requirements for her perfect man. There's Miss Ball-Breaker, an aggressive, braggart of a woman who enjoys intimidating men. There's Miss Lone Ranger, a 38-year-old who's focused on her career for so long, she hasn't made time for a man. And then there's the "Fatal Attraction" chick who becomes way too attached, way too fast when she meets a suitable mate.

Like I said earlier, the best part is that the women get to find out what men think of them. In the first episode, they each had to stroll past three guys, and the guys told Steve what they thought of each woman. The women later got to see what the men said. Steve's point? Women are being judged by men all the time, everywhere they go, based on how they look. Also in that episode the women went to a mixer and later saw see footage of how they interacted with men and what the men thought of them. (One poor girl didn't make an impression on any of them -- they couldn't even remember who she was. Ouch.)

While these women are extreme, it's easy to see some of ourselves in them. While we might not pick our nose on the first date as the ball-breaker did, we might talk about our accomplishments a little too much in an effort to impress. And while we might not have a "tiara test" like Miss Picky, most of us probably have a mental checklist we consult as we try to decide if we want to see someone again.

Whether you're married or single, dating or taking a break, "Tough Love" is worth watching -- even better in a group, so you can discuss. New episodes air Sunday nights at 10 and repeat during the week.

A reader asks: What happened to casual dating?

Alicia: Today, we pose a question: If the object of your attraction states at the first date that he/she isn't interested in a commitment, do you stick around? We ask because a reader wonders:

"What about women wanting a commitment when men state from the start they do not want one? Usually men and women do want to date, but want to casually -- this does not always mean that sex is involved. I’ve noticed it’s more prevalent in these parts that if you want to casually date, and say that at the beginning, women are up for it at first, but after three dates or so they are pressing you for some sort of commitment. What about keeping your options open? Men and women, at least this gives us something to compare, and to see who's personality or vibe is a better fit. I do think it would have both sexes thinking and looking more inward."

Deirdre: It's been said that people tell you exactly who they are when you first meet them. It's just a matter of if you choose to hear them or not. I think in a lot of cases, people turn a deaf ear to news that the person they want a relationship with is not interested in a relationship with anyone.

Alicia: Someone who says "no commitment" at the outset is closing off possibilities that haven't even opened up. Doesn't seem like someone I'd want to hang with romantically or otherwise.

Deirdre: I don't know. I think I might. I'm not looking for a relationship either, and it would be fun and freeing to hang out with someone with no strings attached. But what if I become attached?

Alicia: That's always the danger, isn't it? And isn't someone who says he's not looking for a commitment at the outset daring you not to care? I'd be headed for a lot of hurt.

Deirdre: And how many people have we known who have dated a commitmentphobe thinking that person would change their mind?

Alicia: I know I've broken up with a few ...

Deirdre: And the reader's point about why we have to make a decision after the third date -- I say: not everyone does. But the majority of women in America do want to partner up and have kids. The clocking is ticking on their eggs. Also, in general people's time is limited. They often date with a purpose now.

Alicia: That's true. Do you agree with his opinion that the expectations seem to be higher in our area than in others? I've found that it doesn't matter where you live, more people in the dating way want commitment than don't. Or maybe it's just the people I know.

Deirdre: Like a friend of mine recently said: "Women in different regions are just different kinds of crazy." That goes for men, too. It just seems hard where you are because that's where you are.

Alicia: Geographically and emotionally.

Deirdre: Also, the reader's mention of sex -- is it even possible to make it to the third date without at least a trip to third base? When I say I'd rather not kiss on the first date, people look at me like I'm a nun. There's an assumption of physical intimacy these days that makes a person suspect if they enjoy someone's company without swapping bodily fluids.

Alicia: And that's a whole other level of entanglement.

Deirdre: So, yeah, for a lot of people plenty is riding on those early dates. If it was ever a "casual" pastime, it certainly isn't now.

What you can buy at a 'slumber' party

Before my friend and her husband decided to get serious about starting a family, she held a little "slumber party" at her house.

Slumber party, of course, being a euphemism for the Tupperware-Party-like extravaganza at which women could sip some wine and buy, umm, adult toys for intimate purposes.

But the more interesting party -- really -- was on the other side of town, where the men attached to the partygoers held an anti-event. They grilled pounds of red meat, drank a few beers ... and fretted about what the women would bring home after the slumber party.

In fact, there was a list of things the men did not want to see (but we don't need to go into here), and many beers were drunk as they worried about the expectations their women might have.

Which amused the women. If the men didn't want to receive gifts from WAY out in left field, they had little to worry about. One of the attendees badgered most of the partygoers into sharing their purchases with the group. Some lingerie, some massage oils, but nothing too racy. (Not all of the women shared the contents of their brown paper bags, though ...)

But the guys' concern also left us women at a bit of a loss. Isn't a gift bag from a "slumber party" a dream come true?

Girls: Why don't you call back?

Yesterday I wrote about how a guy asked for my number (we were at a club) and he hasn't called. I asked readers -- in particular, male readers -- what would make them ask for contact info and then not use it. Several guys turned the question back on me in the comments. Here's a great example:

"I completely understand your frustration, however as a guy I have had the same thing happen. You meet a girl at a bar/club have a good time and you both seem interested in another meeting, the girl gives you her number you call, and she doesn't answer or call back. I would rather her just say she's not interested and that would save us both time. I think that a lot of women are afraid to say no in person and it's easier to ignore a phone call."

I could not agree more -- just (tactfully) say you're not interested! That would be so refreshing. But I think our first response is to say something that will either avoid confrontation or spare feelings.

Ladies, it's your turn. A guy asks for your number. Do you give him a fake one? If it's real, do you give it knowing that you won't answer when he calls? Or do you give your number with every intention of talking to him ... but then wake up the next day and think better of it? Also: any chicks out there who pull a preemptive strike and ask for the guy's number first?

Guys: Why ask if you're not gonna call?

I was at a club with friends Sunday night when I met a man. We chatted, we danced, and as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number.

That was Sunday. Now it's Thursday. I haven't heard from him.

This is where opinion breaks down between the sexes. I'm sure there are plenty of men thinking, "Give the guy a break. It's only Thursday." I'm equally sure there are plenty of women thinking, "You gave him your number on Sunday? Girl, he is so not calling." Either way, I'm not holding my breath for a phone call.

Ladies, how many times have you given your phone number and never heard from the guy again? You're probably like me: not heartbroken, just curious as hell. Why ask for the digits if you're not going to use them?

Men, here's your chance to set the record straight. If you've ever asked for a woman's contact info and then never used it, tell us why. Did you lose it? Did you wake up the next morning and think back on how dark it was in the club, and maybe she wasn't as cute as you thought she was? Did you decide you'd rather not be bothered? Did you get back with your ex? Or do you like to ask for a chick's number, just to see if you can get it?

Come on, guys. Solve one of dating's enduring mysteries!

When he says, 'I won't lie'

Alicia: So, D, which red flags start waving when a guy begins a conversation like this: "I won't lie to you"? A reader writes that she has an ex who always responds like that -- as if he's doing her a favor. Or trying to sell her something. And as if him saying it wasn't annoying enough, her kids have started saying it, too. It's like she spends her days surrounded by sleazy used car salesmen.

Deirdre: I know she wants to punch her ex in the mouth every time he says it, too. To me, "I won't lie to you" falls under the same category as "no offense, but ...": no matter what comes next, you're not gonna like it.

Alicia: Absolutely. And my thought is that you shouldn't have to announce that you're not going to lie. It means that you are going to lie, and you can't be trusted in general.

Deirdre: Or that maybe you're not lying this time, which isn't much better.

Alicia: So is there anything to be done with this guy (except for having the reader anonymously send him this link)? I bet he can't be reasoned with, given his ex status.

Deirdre: And if he's evil, he might use it just because he knows it bugs her. But she can do something about her kids. She can talk to them about it and tell them that the phrase is useless. Just as they've learned to use it, they can unlearn it.

Alicia: Hope she can convince them. And while she's at it, maybe she can warn them off some other conversation-ending phrases, "I don't know about you, but ..." "Like I always say ..." What else?

Deirdre: "I don't mean to be rude, but ..." and then they proceed to be rude! Or, "I know it's none of my business ..." and then they get all in your business!

Alicia: "Don't take my word for it, but ..." means I have no clue, but I'm going act like it, nonetheless.

Deirdre: If I shouldn't take your word for it, why are you saying it, then? I think these phrases have become so ingrained in conversation that people either A) don't even realize they're using them, or B) think they can say anything by using such a phrase first, as if that'll make it OK. Except it doesn't.

Alicia: Right. If you're going to say something that might make someone uncomfortable, take ownership of it or don't say it at all.

Deirdre: Words to live by, sister!

Guys: Does it matter what women wear?

Fellas, I need you to weigh in on this one.

New Year's Eve I went to a party with a girlfriend. It was one of those big events where there's hundreds of people milling around, drinking, dancing and yelling at each other over the music. We ran into one of our coworkers from another department. He was with a group of welcoming, fun people, so we hung out with them for awhile.

After a few more drinks our coworker looked at us and announced that we were dressed all wrong for the party. (Truth be told, it did seem that the uniform for the night was strapless cocktail dress, and we didn't get the memo.) He told my friend that she was dressed like a grandmother. She had on black velvet pants and a cute, '50s inspired black short-sleeved sweater. Then he told me to look at myself -- I was covered from head to toe. I had on wide-legged black pants and a black blouse that was gauzy, but, indeed, long-sleeved.

Our coworker looked sincerely confused. He said we were both sexy women. He said he'd seen us in more enticing outfits at work than the ones we had on at the party. Basically, he wanted to know why were were hiding our light under a bushel.

We weren't offended by his comments; he'd had a lot to drink and even though his remarks were blunt, he obviously wasn't trying to be hurtful. My friend and I are NYE party veterans, and were going for classy comfort when we chose our outfits.

But we discussed his comments after he'd gone off to dance with his date. My friend argued that a man shouldn't be attracted to her just because she was wearing a revealing outfit; he should be attracted to the person she is as well. I agreed that women shouldn't feel like they had to dress borderline hoochie to get male attention, but added that there's nothing wrong with accentuating one's natural assets.

Guys, this is where you come in. Do you find yourself more likely to approach a woman if she's dressed provocatively, or if she's in jeans and a T-shirt? Or does it not matter what she's wearing?

Laugh of the day

Sometimes, those e-mail forwards we receive are actually worth forwarding. I just got this from a friend. Yes, it's a generalization, but this is the difference between women and men in a nutshell:

HER DIARY vs. HIS DIARY

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Just ... because

One of life's little pleasures: A man who is not ashamed to carry his woman's purse. And so publicly, too! (Actor Mark Ruffalo arriving for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's annual installation luncheon at The Beverly Hills Hotel on Thursday. Love love LOVE him!!)