Hold the compliments, mom

It started innocently enough, and the comment I made was meant in the most innocuous way.

I was complimenting a co-worker's hairstyle, and she pulled the hair back from her forehead in frustration. (She did not like her 'do of the day, needless to say.)

Then I said it: "You have a beautiful widow's peak. You should draw attention to it."

And she replied: "That's what my mother always said."

She called me her mother -- which amounted to calling me my mother, who always offers this back-handed piece of advice to me: "You should keep your hair short. It always looks so nice when it's short."

Which means, from her view, that my hair never looks nice when it's not.

Why do we do that -- offer advice, innocently or not, when they person you're talking to hasn't asked for it? It happens all too often. Not so long ago, I stopped at the store for a few things and ran into a distant acquaintance who looked at my kids and asked if they were mine. I thought she wanted to make a little small talk. "He's getting a little far away from you," she said of my son -- as if I would let my 4-year-old explore the store on his own. And then she went on her way.

I didn't need that advice. And my friend at work didn't need my input on her hairstyle.

A very wise friend of mine has vowed not to give advice to friends and family, even if it's solicited. She'll listen to you intently. She'll ask how you how you're feeling or leaning. She'll offer support. But she won't give advice. It rarely works out well for her, she says.

Maybe she has the right approach.

A reader's dating dilemma

A reader writes:

I had been dating a guy from New York -- I met him in Charlotte and he has visited several times since we met a couple of months ago. On his last visit a couple of weeks ago, he brought a friend with him and asked me if I could “hook” his friend up with one of my friends. I did this, but the two friends did not get along. The friend that I invited was rude, very demanding (so was his friend) and neither I nor my date enjoyed the weekend. After he left he began to criticize the relationship between my friend and myself, telling me that I let her run over me and that she did not have the right to act the way she did. I told him that I was just trying to keep the situation calm because her and his friend already didn’t get along. He acted like it was all my fault and we haven’t really been the same since.

My question is, at what point do you take responsibility for someone else’s actions? How can he blame me for what she did? I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy, but I don’t know if it is worth it if he is already starting to play mind games with me. What do you think?

I think ... the two of you are done. And I think you know it as well.

Now, it could be that this dude is tired of springing for airfare and is looking for an excuse to end it with you. But let's assume that he isn't, OK?

Here's the thing: When people are starting to build a relationship -- when it's going from "this person is fun to hang out with" to "should I clean out a drawer and let them leave a toothbrush?" -- they take harder looks at each other. They start to think about how this person will fit into their life.

You ask how the dude you're dating can blame you for your friend's actions (and we'll get back to her in a minute). It's called "guilt by association," sister. It shouldn't be that way, but there it is. But keep in mind that it works both ways -- you said his friend was rude as well. If your dude expects you to take responsibility for your pal, he should take some responsibility for his. Putting it all on you is a manipulative thing to do, and I'm so glad you recognize that.

As for your friend: What a crappy wingwoman she turned out to be! Never use her again, because she doesn't know how to behave. There are so many ways she could have handled the situation gracefully and she (and his friend too, for that matter) chose to act immaturely. While the dude you've been dating had no right to comment on your relationship with her, you have every right to examine your friendship, and decide if you are getting what you need out of it.

But let's get to what I think is the crux of this situation: "I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy." I believe many women are willing to overlook problems in relationships because A) they convince themselves they're overreacting, or that they're the problem, B) the guy is hot, or rich, or good in bed, etc., and they don't want to give him up, or C) they'd rather have a man than be alone. Women are often so worried about doing what they can do to make the man like/want them that they aren't thinking about if they even like/want the man in question.

Bottom line: He dissed your friend. He dissed you for having her as a friend. He's thinking you might not be such a good fit in his life. So why try to force him into yours?

Breaking out of a relationship slump

Alisha: The older I get, the more I realize life is about slumps and bouncing out of those periods of deterioration. Relationships are no different. Whether you've been married for one month and your sex life is lackluster or you've been dating for one year and you no longer get love notes, there are ways to break through. I'd define a relationship slump as a time when you're not feeling desired by your partner or you feel as though the passion has dissipated.

What are your ideas to break through the doldrums of a slump?

Deirdre: The first thing I'd recommend is to spend some time apart -- at least a week. I'd go so far as to say no phone calls or e-mails or texts, but if you're married with kids, that may not be possible. People often see things differently when they're away from the situation .... and absence really can make the heart grow fonder. But if that absence feels pretty damn good, then I think you know why you're in a slump. Maybe you shouldn't be together.
Alisha: I'd suggest doing something to spice up the love life. Take photos of yourself in sexy lingerie. Get a hotel room for the night, even if it's two miles down the road. Go salsa dancing or to a club where you have to dance close.
Deirdre: Our environment can contribute to the continuation of a slump, so I say change the scenery at the most basic of places: Your house. It could really up your mood. Paint a room a bold color. Rearrange the furniture. For the bedroom, splurge and buy really nice sheets. It'll make you feel decadent.
Alisha: Interesting. Not sure I'd ever think about changing the ottoman out, but what could it hurt? If it's a particularly bad time, maybe it's worth going to a counselor because that bold of a move should raise flags the slump needs to end soon.
Deirdre: I also think couples should revisit their hopes and dreams, what they want to accomplish together. If their plans for the future differ, that's a signal something is very wrong.
Alisha: Taking a vacation is one way to jump start those loving feelings again, and a way to at least momentarily leave behind the everyday routine. My husband and I went to the lake for a one-day getaway and it really worked wonders for us.
Deirdre: This should light some sparks: read erotica aloud to each other. Or on a workday, pick out each other's underwear. What a turn-on it could be, knowing that under your clothes you're wearing what your lover chose for you ... Rowr.
Alisha: Write a letter to your partner. Tell something you have never said outloud before or list every detail of how you fell in love. And no e-mail. A real letter.
Deirdre: Yes! And mail it! It's so nice to get something in the mailbox besides a bill. And I say revel in the senses. Get a couple's massage. Go shopping together for perfume and cologne. Blindfold your partner and feed them, a la "9 1/2 Weeks." (And if you've never seen it, rent it and watch it together!)
Alisha: Try cooking dinner together and keep the TV, the crackberry, the Internet and the cellphones turned off. And strive to keep the relationship exciting!

A Hopeless cry for help

A reader asked for my advice, and since I know her problem is a common one (many a woman will shout, “can I get an amen?” when they read this), I got her permission to answer her on the blog.

Q: I'm a 33-year-old, attractive, single, six figures, no kids, never married, never engaged, African-American woman. I'm living in Charlotte now and ready to meet a guy who I can get into a possible relationship with.

I've attended several events where I knew men around my age would be in hopes of meeting someone. Well, I guess I am a little "old school," because I like for the men to approach me. But after talking with some of the men on my job, they all say the same thing: if you want us, come and get us (in other words I have to be the man now and they are the girl). Its 2007 and the men have become liberated?!

Needless to say, I'm still single. I'm not sure if I should wait on them to make eye contact with me and wink or what. Should I also offer them my lipstick and bra? I'm confused -- am I the man or the woman and at which point should I act like the man or the woman? I have heard men say that they don't want a woman to be too aggressive ... OK. What do men want now?

Feeling Hopeless in Charlotte

A: Hopeless, girl, I feel you. I'm no relationship expert, but this topic has come up in conversations with my girlfriends, so I'll tell you the same three things I've discussed with them.

First: Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you’re uneasy, that probably means you’re acting in a way that is not true to yourself. People often behave in a manner they think others want, which leads to relationships built on unsteady foundations. Case in point: You ask what it is that men want, but the question should be what do YOU want. Stay true to yourself and when you find The One, you'll know he loves you for you, and not some mirage you've created.

Second: That “if you want us, come and get us” stuff is crap. Plenty of dudes believe their own hype and think they're players worthy of being fought over. Men who are looking for meaningful relationships will at least try to bypass the drama (no accounting for exes and family issues). Hold out for a man who'll treat you the way you want to be treated.

Third: Here's the deal -- women already make the first move. Haven’t you seen those Discovery channel shows about male-female attraction? A woman uses body language to let a man know she'd be receptive to his approach. (Sure, some clueless dudes will hit on anything in a skirt, but most men will wait for a sign.) See a guy you like in a store, in a bar, at the gym? Patiently wait until you catch his eye, hold the glance for a second, then look away. At this point the guy is going, "hey, is she ...?" and he's checking you out to see if he might be interested. If he is, he'll wait for another glance, which you'll give ... and this time, you'll hold it for a beat or two longer than the last one, and smile. Or if you pass by him, either stop to say hello (if you feel comfortable doing that), "accidentally" brush against him and apologize (it's fake and you both know it, but it works) or simply keep walking, again with the smile. Any man will get the message and make a move if he's interested. If it looks like he's waiting on you to come to him, move on -- you prefer men who make the approach, so this one is obviously not for you.

Now, Hopeless, don’t offer a man your lipstick unless he’s a drag queen who likes the shade (but be sure to wear lipstick in a color that flatters your skin tone and tastes good, in case there are kisses). And don’t offer a man your bra unless you want a one-night stand (but be sure that it’s a nice bra, because pretty lingerie makes you feel pretty).

Don't feel hopeless, Hopeless: Dating is hard for most of us singles, no matter where we are. Stay positive and go with your gut. If I run across a great guy I'll let you know, because you, sister, are a catch!

Words of wisdom, if that's what you want to call it

There’s giving advice and then there’s knocking you over the head with it.

If you’re married, you know what I’m talking about. We married folk are inundated with words of "wisdom" throughout the engagement, the big event and the first year of wedded bliss.

Don’t get me wrong – advice is good, and where would we be if we didn’t learn from other’s mistakes and experiences?

However, some “advice” is silly, outdated and just plain stupid. If you take a few minutes to look back on what your family and friends said before you got married, you would laugh at some of the absurdity, too.

For the sake of this blog, I went through the hundreds of cards my husband and I received pre-and post-wedding, and I’d like to share a few. Card writer’s names have been withheld to protect the innocent and ignorant – including my single girlfriend who wrote in a wedding shower card that she hoped my husband and I have sex every night for as long as we’re married. Ha! That’s some funny stuff!

Five that stood out:

Card 1: “Happy Engagement! Now you get to plan: the dress, shoes, tuxes, flowers, churches, dinners … or you could just elope!
Me: Not sure if you know my parents, but eloping after I just paid a couple thousand for the photographer was NOT an option.

Card 2: “You’re wedding is gonna rock. We can’t wait!”
Me: Um, you didn’t even bother to show up! And what, exactly, is your idea of “gonna rock?” Last I checked, Lynyrd Skynyrd wasn’t booked as the wedding band.

Card 3: “Best of luck.”
Me: Hey honey, help me remember – did we get married at the Bellagio in Vegas? She might as well have added “break a leg.”

Card 4: “I chose Target instead of Dick’s Sporting Goods in selecting your shower gift. We hope that’s OK, and you can find use for this.”
Me: Yeah, because there’s a big difference between a dart board from Target and a dart board from a sporting goods shop? We’ll take it.

Card 5: “Richard, after this big recipe shower, Alisha has no excuses for not putting a home-cooked meal on the table every night! (Alisha – just kidding!)”
Me: I don’t believe Richard ever saw the “just kidding” part. Thanks … thanks a lot!

Readers, did you receive any words of wisdom that seemed silly at the time – or heck, just dumb?