Becoming a joiner, for the kids

As I sit here on a brisk morning, my kids watching "Barbie: Diamond Castle" and eating a second breakfast of pretzel sticks because they can't yet play outside, I contemplate what I have become because of them.

Today, I am A Joiner.

Before kids, I was happy to have a small, family-like circle of friends -- we relied on each other, we entertained each other, we needed little else.

But now, with two pairs of inquisitive eyes watching my every move -- and two little minds mimicking most of it -- I feel the need to be a better role model when it comes to socializing.

When I was a kid, I was timid around most everyone but my family. Extracurricular activities were excruciating. It took me an entire play date (though, of course, they weren't called that then) to warm up. I was reserved (shy?) well into adulthood.

I'm determined to help my kids get past that awkwardness much earlier in life, because I can see they both thrive on interaction with others ... even when mom doesn't.

So I have Joined -- a group of women who meet weekly to discuss the challenges of parenthood. I have Networked -- coffee, lunch, dinner, you name it. I have Signed Up -- classes, lectures, performances.

I have met some wonderful people -- even if I've fretted in preparation for most every meeting.

And my kids are learning that home is safe. Home is where the heart is. But maximum fun can be found when you venture beyond these four walls.

Love being a family, but ...

Friday night is date night for me and my husband.

We decided a few months ago, when my work schedule changed and we needed our babysitter less often during the week, that we'd hire her to give us a regular break from "family" and a chance to once again be just "couple."

It has been amazing.

We escape only for about two hours every week (by Friday night, we're both too tired for major partying), but we've taken the opportunity to try new restaurants. Ones that generally do not serve chicken fingers and fries.

We've also visited our favorite restaurant (we're both Vietnamese cuisine freaks) often enough that the servers recognize us and, most times, can guess our drink order -- something that was status quo before children.

We spend most of our time (on a good night, all of our time), talking about something other than children. A wish list of vacation destinations. Career goals (and, in today's environment, worries). The books/magazines we're reading.

After all, it's one night a week to reacquaint each other with the individual adults that are part of our family.

It's a chance to remember why we got married, and why we stay married.

Worth a few hours of babysitting fees a week, don't you think?

Singles: Some places to meet in the heat

I was flipping through latest issue of Eye, the Observer's free publication available in the uptown area, when I came upon this article about MatchMaker Tennis. The club pairs up people who have the same skill level, and if you've always wanted to learn how to play tennis, they also offer free beginner lessons. The weather has been so wonderful lately, and this would be a fun way to meet new people and practice your serve at the same time.

And in case you missed it, CLT (the Observer's guide to stuff to do on the weekends) had an article about rooftop patios for the partiers. I've been to a couple of them: The Forum (chatty, attractive people with a nice racial diversity, but it skews a bit young) and the Gin Mill (laid-back; weeknights are better). The list makes me want to try them all!

Got any fave places you want to share?

Singles, let's help each other

I hear it all the time: there's nothing to do in Charlotte. It's hard to meet people in Charlotte. Where can I go to meet someone my own age in Charlotte? And so on, and so on, and so on.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I try to think proactively about the dating process, rather than just whine and moan about how bad it is. So here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna use this blog as a dating resource. Every now and then I'll share some places and hopefully, you'll share some as well. We'll form our own singles community, and help up each other's game.

OK, I'll start. I recently went to an event hosted by Club Blume, the Blumenthal Performing Arts Center's social group for twenty-and-thirtysomethings who have an interest in the arts. It was a free screening of the original "Ocean's 11," starring Frank Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack, followed by wine and yummy munchies, then a screening of the "Ocean's 11" remake with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. The turnout was so-so, but I think it depends on the event; newcomer reporter Leigh Dyer went the night they screened '80s faves "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" and the place was packed. (BTW, Leigh often mentions events for single newcomers on her blog, New Around Town, so it's a good resource as well.) Club Blume offers pre-show mixers, discounted tickets and more. In addition, the Blumenthal has Out on the Town, a gay and lesbian social club.

I'm really gonna frontload this sharing process by including some singles stuff from our new Living Here magazine, which was in newspapers yesterday. (It's all online, too.) Here's a list of organizations for singles and places to meet singles. Here's a column by Denise Renfro, a single staffer who has more good advice. And here are Paid to Party columnist Tonya Jameson's nightlife suggestions of cool places to par-tay. If you can't meet folks by going to any of these places, we really need to talk about your strategy.

Alright, readers, your turn. Been anyplace recently that was either A) super-fun, B) loaded with hot single people, or C) both? Do share!

Is marriage a social life killer?

Once the wedding rings are permanently on the fingers, I hear a lot of couples say their social lives take a dramatic turn for the worst. The all-night drinking benders with groups of strangers at a party, the last-minute beach trips taken with just $100 in the checking account, and the crashing at a friend’s house after watching old movies – are no more, buddy.

So, why is that? Is getting married truly the death knell for an active social life?

I couldn't decide if there's a yes or no answer, but rather I think it depends on the couple. Here are four reasons I’ve come up with that could help answer the question: Does marriage change your social life? (Hey, can you tell I vote as a Moderate/Independent? I love options and I often see both sides.)

1. Motivations: When I was single, I enjoyed going to BAR Charlotte and Have a Nice Day Café every week because those were places where my single girlfriends and I could check out single guys. Now, I’m not interested in the meat market-type venues because I have a husband. Your goals for socializing with friends change because you’re no longer focusing your get-togethers around cruising for potential mates.
2. Money, kids and stress: These categories are all but self-explanatory and in most cases, are dependent upon each other. Of course you’re not gonna spend every night out if you have children, and for most couples that have multiple kids, the lack of disposable funds can be a deciding factor on whether you spend Friday night out on the town with friends or at home with the family.
3. Similar interests: If you and your spouse are lucky to have many of the same interests, then I’m betting you don’t see a big decline in your social habits. For example, if you’re both avid boaters, then you’re more likely to have a circle of people who enjoy boating, thus you’re spending more time among friends. Also, because of your shared interests, such as attending a book club meeting together, your quality time increases.
4. Couple friends: When you get married, it’s not that you socialize less, it’s just you tend to find more couple friends. So your choice of events reflect that because you want to find activities where the four or six of you can enjoy a good time (i.e., concerts, playing cards or bowling). Plus, in your single days you might have been more of a hermit when it came to socializing, but now that you've met Mrs. I Know Everyone In Town, you're spending more time attending functions and getting to know more people.