Good places for married-couple dates

Happy holidays to everyone! I hope your holiday has been and will continue to be filled with family and friends and lots of love and happiness.

My husband and I spent part of our Christmas visiting the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, N.C. I had never toured the Biltmore House (pictured) before, and I'm super happy we went during Christmas - all the lights, the cozy fireplaces, the aroma of cinnamon and the soothing sound of holiday melodies made it an experience to remember.

One thing that struck me during our Candlelight Evening tour was the number of couples in attendance. I was expecting more families, but instead there were a bunch of married folks walking arm-in-arm up the spiral staircase and hugging while standing in front of the triple fireplace. It was so romantic.

I commented to my husband my surprise at all of the couples, and he noted the Biltmore was definitely a good place for people who are more committed to each other because why else on earth would you spend $130 (tickets alone) on a first date?

He makes an excellent point. Unless money is no issue for you, I'd be hard-pressed to drop that kind of coin on a guy who I'm just getting to know.

So what other places, within a decent driving distance of Charlotte, would make good winter dates for married couples?

Here are a few more of my ideas:

Rent a cabin at Lake Lure or Lake Norman

Spend a weekend at Appalachian Ski Mountain

Indulge yourself at The Fearrington House Country Inn

Watch the realityspeak!

This week I watched the finales of two popular reality dating shows: "I Love New York 2" and "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila." (Haters, don't bother dissing me for watching. How does that song go? "If you don't know me by now/You will never never never know me/Oooohhhooooooohhhhoooooohhh.")

Yes, New York dodged a bullet by not picking the foxy-but-shady Buddha, and there's a league of women out there, gay and straight, who have girl-crushes on Dani, the adorable lesbian who got dumped by Tila. But what I couldn't get past was all the realityspeak -- the words that have become shorthand for what passes as liquored-up "feelings" on these shows.

It's amazing how, ever since the first "Bachelor," reality shows have built a language for their reality emotions. My fear is the phrases are going to start slipping into everyday folks' conversations with their lovers, spouses and online hookups.

Here's a typical example of realityspeak, tears optional: "We've been on this roller coaster of a journey together, full of adventure, and I feel like I've made connections with all of you. But I'm determined to find the right person for me and I'm about to make the most important decision of my life."

(Turns to one person, usually a viewers' favorite, so you know they're going home.) "We've built a trust, and this is so much harder than I thought it would be! You got me to open up on a level I never have before, and you really put yourself out there. You're awesome, you make me laugh and every time I see you, you brighten up the room. But there's someone here I've made a stronger connection with. I love you .... but I'm not in love with you."

Translation: "I'm just not that into you." But simply saying that would leave a lot of dead airtime.

I hope my friends pop me upside the head if they ever hear me talk of "connections" or "journeys" or "roller coasters of emotion" when discussing some new dude in my life. And if someone ever tells you they're looking for their "soul mate," tell them to buy some Marvin Gaye or Mary J. Blige or Earth, Wind & Fire. They're soulful enough.

Ever been stood up?

Deirdre: Let's talk about something I think a lot of people can relate to: being stood up. From agreeing to meet friends at a bar and not showing up to totally whiffing when weekend plans have been made, it's just not a cool thing to do. And yet, people do it all the time.
Alisha: (Raises my hand) Count me in as one of the unlucky to be stood up. You're right - people do it all the time and they don't think twice about it. Did their mamas not teach them anything about respect?
Deirdre: I know, right?! I've been stood up as well, and it's a nasty feeling. You find yourself making all kinds of jacked-up excuses, like, "well, maybe he got in a car crash, or someone he knows got really sick, or there was a big, last-minute project at work and he didn't have time to pick up the phone."
Alisha: That's the thing. The person left alone, waiting, wondering, and working up to a stay of pissed-offedness shouldn't be the one making up excuses. How hard is it to tell someone you just aren't interested?
Deirdre: I think most people want to avoid confrontation at all costs. If they really aren't into a person, and yet they've allowed themselves to be roped into plans, then not showing up and not calling is a clear, final message of non-interest. It's cowardly, but effective.
Alisha: Effective at hurting feelings. Have the guts to be upfront and honest.
Deirdre: Word.
Alisha: I wonder if the whole online dating scene has cultivated more "stand-ups" because you might not be as invested in the relationship since it's just e-mail versus face-to-face interaction?
Deirdre: Oh, I'm sure it has. One of the reasons I'm anti-online dating is that it's so ephemeral -- people float in and out of each other's mental space. When there's no flesh-and-blood person to answer to, yeah, you're likely to flake. Also? I'm sure there are plenty of people who never want to take a relationship offline, and not showing up is a way to do that.
Alisha: Even though I'm a strong proponent of online dating, it does perpetuates the idea it's not "really" standing up someone because you never "met" them in the first place.
Deirdre: Hurts just as bad. Still just as rude.
Alisha: I'd like to know if people plan this or if it just happens. Are there adults out there who set up a date and then purposely say to themselves, "I'm so not going to meet him on Friday at 8 p.m."? I surely hope we grow more mature with age instead of setting out to hurt people on purpose.
Deirdre: Yeah. It's bad for the karma, too.

Let's talk about double dating

Dictionary.com defines double dating as "a date on which two couples go together."

To me, that definition feels so 1957, when there were dating parlors and more rigid rules of courtship, but the parameters for 2007 seem to be completely different. For example, we don't date with other couples -- we call it hanging out with them.

In an effort to gain more insight into what other folks think about the concept, I asked six co-workers to describe their thoughts on double dating in today's society.
Here they are, in no particular order:

• "Double dating means it's a date with four people where at least one person is not well acquainted with the others ... I've never had a double date in my life." -- Male, 24

• "I just think we've transitioned from the term 'double dating' to 'hanging out' because a) that can include friends who aren't coupled up and b) 'double date' sounds more official and implies more planning than probably what went into it in the first place." -- Female, 25

• "Is it old-fashioned? Yes, but after you're married, it's hard to have a legitimate social life without some form of double-dating ... A lot depends on how outgoing a couple is. If a married couple is naturally outgoing, it actually energizes them to go out with other couples. Introverted couples may have the opposite mindset." -- Male, 32

• "Not into it. I like one-on-ones, myself." -- Male, 36

• "Double dating is for insecure people. If a couple can't carry a conversation by themselves, then they probably shouldn't be together. If someone introduced them, then doubling on the first date might be OK to break the ice. Anything after that is just being chicken or shows a lack of compatibility." -- Male, 47

• “I think dating has come to involve a ritual 'putting yourself out there' to see if you and the other person are a good fit. Maybe not for the first couple of dates, but after that, double dating would be good, to see how you as a couple react and respond to other folks … Dating has a different connotation for married folk. They are not being evaluated anymore. It's hard enough to put yourself out there for one person to judge; who wants three?” -- Female, 40

A kiss isn't just a kiss

When I was out at the bars last weekend, I noticed a maybe-not-so-welcome reminder of the season: mistletoe.

It's one thing to see it strategically placed at a house party, where you can maneuver the hottie of your choice into position; another to see it pinned to the lopsided Santa hat of a drunk 23-year-old on Tryon Street.

Since we're likely to engage in more smooching the next few weeks, I'd like to share this: A study recently published in the scientific journal "Evolutionary Psychology" found that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women said they've been in the position of being attracted to someone ... until they kissed them.

Singles, can I get a witness?

"At the moment of the kiss, there's a very complicated exchange of information ... that may tap into underlying evolved mechanisms" cluing us in on whether we're genetically compatible, explains Gordon Gallup, co-author of the study and professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Albany. "A kiss can be a deal-breaker in terms of whether a relationship will flower or flounder, so to speak."

The research also suggests men and women have different agendas when it comes to kissing. For men, kissing is more often used as a means to an end -- in other words, to get laid. Women use kissing as a mate-assessment technique, and to monitor the status of the relationship. (Not devouring you with smooches like he used to? Could be he's losing interest.)

Other gender differences in the research:

• Men show a greater preference for tongue contact and open-mouth kisses.

• Men are more willing than women to have sex with someone without kissing, as well as to have sex with someone they are not attracted to or consider to be a bad kisser.

• Women place more importance on kissing throughout a relationship, whereas men place less importance on it as the relationship progresses.

Either way, better get out the breath spray.

Top 10 worst gifts for new relationships

Kristen Sasser, Yahoo! Personals' online dating expert, has put together a list of the top 10 worst gifts for new relationships.

Click here for the story and full list.

Most notable is No. 9: "Forget clichés, such as boxes of chocolates or flowers. They show little thought or effort."

A new relationship needs coddling and it should be easy to figure out ways to put your own personal touches on the clichéd gifts. Maybe you find a way to give her sunflowers - paper-mâché perhaps - in the middle of the winter, or you purchase a teddy bear that is decked out in Carolina Panthers gear (his favorite team).

Let's put a positive spin on this and ask, what are your ideas for good gifts to give your new partner?

Christmas letters lack hint of truth, reality

In all my years of sending holiday cards, I've never written a Christmas letter.

You know what that is; it's the annual catch-me-up letter bragging about the family's charitable deeds, Dad's new job five miles from the house, Timmy's soccer championship, Mom's Pampered Chef success and Rhonda's 3.8 GPA at Clemson University.

But I gotta ask: Whose life is truly that perfect? Seriously.

Why is it common practice to portray our lives, especially to those who love us and care for our well being, as a kiddie roller coaster - you know, life without interlocking loops, steep hills and unanticipated drops.

These letters tend to gloss over the bad times and that's a shame, because let's face it, life isn't always peachy but we still have to endure and bounce back. When was the last time you read one that detailed the complete truth, such as a messy divorce or the ramifications of a relative's arrest?

In this year's letter, describe in detail the volunteer award, job promotion, and college acceptance letter, but also be sure to mention how you will persevere following the death of a family member, the bad car accident, or the break up of a long-term relationship. I'd rather know how you're hoping for a better 2008 because of the challenges you faced in '07 than to believe in a pseudo reality.

As the saying goes, just keep it real.

My stripper stash

I was in "purge" mode this weekend, going through a box of papers and old notebooks, when I stumbled across a pile of stripper photos. I wasn't kidding before when I said my friend Trouble and I were male stripper connoisseurs. There were photos of men in G-strings dancing, autographed posed shots, photos of dudes surrounded by dollar-waving, liquored-up women that made you wonder if the guys made it out alive.

I actually blushed as I flipped through them. I flashed back to the time my mom found a Polaroid of me at one of the shows -- I was sitting in a chair surrounded by men in tiny denim shorts, with a blond hunk on my lap. My smile in the shot is nothing short of beatific. "Were you drunk?" my mom exclaimed, offering me an excuse. "Nope," I admitted. It was the truth. I was totally at home with a pack of near-nekkid, sweet-smelling, tousled-haired men pressed against me.

Hmm. I hope I still have that Polaroid somewhere.

The photos remind me I'm not the girl I was 15 years ago: hard-drinkin', barely-sleepin', spending my money on strippers and club outfits while the credit card bills went unpaid. Now I'm nearing 40, a homeowner who drives an SUV and has a retirement plan.

And yet ...

The remnants of that girl live inside me. I came of age with raves and rap, so I have to go out dancing periodically to stay sane. (If I get too old for the clubs, I guess I'll start having house parties. Rob Bass and Lords of Acid will not be denied.) I still like alcohol, but I've stopped going for the drinks designed to get you the drunkest, fastest. The girl has matured into a woman who likes to have a good time, but knows there's more to life than the next good time.

However ... I do have a framed, autographed picture of a porn actor smiling at me here in my home office. He goes in a drawer when mom comes to visit.

Some habits are hard to break.

What's in a (married) name?

I’m not afraid to get this in print; my husband is well aware and I’m pretty sure my in-laws know, too.

My married name -- I’m just not a big fan of it.

No, I’m not a hardcore feminist, and no, I’m not usually disrespectful of historical English customs.

It's just that I spent 25 years getting used to my maiden name, Puckett, and then all of a sudden, I have to sign checks, use a different monogram and answer to Hord. Talk about an identity crisis.

Oh, and I don’t like the asymmetry of my first name being longer than my last. I know -- it’s a weird reason, but hey, we’re talking about my name here.

Married women and some radical-thinking husbands nowadays have tough choices to make. There are so many options: keep your birth name, take your married name, hyphenate the two family names, make your maiden name your middle name … the list goes on.

I’ve listened to friends struggle with the decision. Everyone seems to have their reasons – some cite professional motivations for keeping the maiden name, others say their partners would refuse to marry if the married name wasn't embraced once the honeymoon’s over.

My husband falls into the latter. He wanted me to be honored to have his name; I am, and I was OK with the decision because I believe our marriage is about compromise.

Puckett will always be a part of me. He knows that and I know that. And, honestly, Hord is slowly (slothlike, I tell ya) growing on me.

A friendship rediscovered

Over the past few weeks I've been getting to know someone who used to be very important to me: My best friend from high school.

It began on a whim. I was on the phone with a friend who has kind of served as the historian of our group (he got a master's in library science, along with a law degree -- yes, he's very handy). He's kept up with the marriages, kids, surgeries and job changes of our loose gang of band nerds. I asked if he'd come across information about my best friend, and he said he had. He even had a phone number for her, and he e-mailed it to me the next day.

When I saw the number I picked up the phone and dialed. I didn't even think about what I would say. She answered on the third or fourth ring.

Instead of a hello, I heard an exclaimed "Deirdre?" in a voice I remembered well. She always sounded as if she was on the verge of a giggle, and it was wonderful to hear that hadn't changed.

"Yeah, hi!" I responded as soon as I got over the shock. Caller ID, I reminded myself. We chatted for a few minutes, and it was as if a long weekend had passed, not almost 20 years.

We've been catching up on each other's lives via e-mail. In her first note to me she attached some photos she'd found in a high school yearbook. There was a school portrait we'd taken together, both of us wearing overalls and red-and-white striped T-shirts. There was a photo of us in a chorus line of friends doing a Rockettes-style kick -- well, all except for me, the brown string bean in the middle with huge glasses and an unmistakable expression: "No. I will NOT kick." Meanwhile, she was on the end, grinning huge and captured mid-kick -- the short white girl with the mop of unruly black hair that earned her the nickname "Frizz." While we were alike in many ways, physically, we were different as could be.

My friend wrote that she married the guy she brought to meet me during freshman year, before the distance of attending different colleges drew us apart. She and her husband run an animal rescue operation. She still lives in Alabama and sometimes sees people we went to high school with. She's still got that tart sense of humor that revealed itself as she mentioned former friends who still live with parents, and those who married for status, or money or both. She says she's happy, and that makes me very happy.

My friend talks about us getting together. The mutual pal who gave me her phone number has been saying the same thing. Next year is our (gulp!) 20-year high school class reunion, which would be a perfect time to gather the old gang. Or maybe I'll just drive down to my friend's corner of Alabama and spend time with her and her husband, play with their rescued animals and see if this feeling of suspended time lasts.

Either way, I'm glad I made that phone call.

He 'forgot' he's married

I recently answered a question from a reader and she e-mailed me with an update. A lot of women will be able to relate to her latest dilemma.

I decided to take your advice and get over Mr. New York. I met a guy that was handsome and seemingly available. He calls often (several times a day since we met). He recently opened a bar and invites me to hang out with him while he is working. I really like him and spent time with him as recently as yesterday. His phone kept ringing and he told me that he had something to take care of. Well, around 1 a.m. I received a text from his number and it read, “Just wondering do you know that man that you are so ready to see is my lying husband or r u the type that doesn’t care.” I was shocked and didn’t respond.

Why the hell is my luck sooooooo bad when it comes to men? Am I a loser magnet? And also, how could I not know that he was married? Why are men such inconsiderate pigs?

Women who have asked yourselves, "why the hell is my luck sooooooo bad when it comes to men?" raise your hands.

See? You're not as alone as you might think!

You've got to change your way of looking at the situation. You are NOT a loser magnet. You are a man magnet. You're attractive and vivacious and you have that something that makes men want to know you better. The law of averages means there'll be some losers mixed in with the keepers. Just weed 'em out and keep going.

As for this dude, the reason you didn't know he was married was because he didn't tell you. (I think all married people should be required to wear a ring.) Some people have no scruples when it comes to using others, whether it be for sex, or to get ahead at work, or just because they get off on being manipulative. What he did was low-down, and it was not your fault. Let me repeat: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You took him at his word, and his actions -- the phone calls, the invitations to hang out -- led you to believe he was available. Just be glad you didn't get more involved and move on.

About that text message from his wife -- why did she have to turn this into a "Cheaters" episode? It pisses me off when wives attack the Other Woman when they should be aiming that rage at their husbands. It's her man she has a problem with, not you! The fact she was on his phone lets us know he's done this before. Just send her a silent "thank you" and hope she drops the jerk.

You've gone through the wringer lately, so I suggest you take a dating break. That doesn't mean camping out on the couch and eating Ben & Jerry's while watching DVR'd episodes of "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila." Go to all the holiday parties looking fabulous. Flirt as much as you like, but don't stress about getting the digits of the hotties you meet. From now until the end of the year, just enjoy your friends and enjoy meeting new people and enjoy being you. There'll be plenty of time next year to play the dating game.

Is your husband or wife gone all the time?

After reading some various dating and relationship community forums, I came across one topic we haven't discussed in We Can Relate: Spouses who are gone all the time.

Maybe he travels on business Monday through Friday, or she's a big-time executive who puts in 100 hours at the office or maybe he's in the Navy and is on a ship for a six-month stretch.

Either way, it has to be difficult to feel like you're in a true partnership and to handle a household when your spouse just isn't around. I think it's important to learn from others -- the lessons gained as well as the mistakes made.

So, let's hear how you handle your significant other being gone. Does it get any easier after years of dealing with the absence? Do you blame their job as a reason for your divorce? Have you had to make life-changing decisions to repair the relationship because he or she is never at home?

Is he your 'type?'

Deirdre: I was at a party recently and was immediately drawn to one of the guests. He was funny, smart and sexy as hell. I'm looking for something serious, and he made it clear he's playing the field. So why couldn't I stay away from him?
Alisha: It's obvious. His "type" screams fun, spontaneity and danger. Did anything come of the encounter?
Deirdre: No, because I circulated like crazy until he left the party. Otherwise, I might've cornered him on the patio and done something I regretted (sort of). And that's what I mean -- I don't want a fling. I want a relationship! He was totally unsuitable for the latter.
Alisha: Typecasting can be unfair and hard to judge. What if that "player" at the party really isn't a player at all? I think it needs to be said not everyone totally fits into one "type," either. You have to get to know the person beyond the surface level.
Deirdre: Agreed, but if you are attracted to a certain "type" and you get to know them and you keep getting your heart broken, you know you're going after the wrong type.
Alisha: It's funny how we sometimes seek out the "types" that aren't really our "type." For example, I spent majority of my college days going to the beefcake dance clubs (ahem, BAR Charlotte) because I was attracted to the hot, Ken-doll types, but, I knew I'd never marry that type.
Deirdre: So what did you change when you were ready for something more ... concrete? Or did you change nothing and your man just sorta happened?
Alisha: You have to come to the realization if you're ever going to be satisfied, you need to seek out your type and stop chasing after the ones who just aren't.
Deirdre: What do you mean, "seek out your type"? You immersed yourself in Ken dolls! What did you do different?
Alisha: You have to be honest with yourself in what you want. I enjoyed looking at the Chippendale carbon copies, but that's all I wanted to do - look at them. I never really wanted to date or be in a long-term relationship with one.
Deirdre: Ah, I see what you mean. But my problem is, I keep meeting guys who have qualities I desire -- smarts, great sense of humor, confidence, consideration for others, and did I mention sexy? -- but they seem to be missing the commitment chip. So I guess the question would be, if you like a certain type, and it's not the marrying type, how do you turn your brain (and parts below the neck) in the other direction? Why do we keep trying to make people who are obviously not suited for long-term commitment into ... long-term commitments?
Alisha: Well, that and why do we desire those who are not our "type" if we know what our type is in the first place?
Deirdre: Yeah! Why? Why, Alisha? Oh, married one?
Alisha: Got me!

Tribute to the families of the military

Let's not forget about Veteran's Day.

Now, let's also make sure we honor those who are the significant others of the men and women who are overseas serving our country. I cannot imagine my husband being gone for months on end, but every day there are thousands of wives who are feeding their kids in an empty house and thousands of husbands who spend countless holidays alone.

Sadly, it's easy to forget about those special loved ones left behind. Their personal battle is much different than their counterparts wearing combat gear, but it doesn't make the battle any easier.

Let's remember to honor the significant others of our servicemen.

A reader's dating dilemma

A reader writes:

I had been dating a guy from New York -- I met him in Charlotte and he has visited several times since we met a couple of months ago. On his last visit a couple of weeks ago, he brought a friend with him and asked me if I could “hook” his friend up with one of my friends. I did this, but the two friends did not get along. The friend that I invited was rude, very demanding (so was his friend) and neither I nor my date enjoyed the weekend. After he left he began to criticize the relationship between my friend and myself, telling me that I let her run over me and that she did not have the right to act the way she did. I told him that I was just trying to keep the situation calm because her and his friend already didn’t get along. He acted like it was all my fault and we haven’t really been the same since.

My question is, at what point do you take responsibility for someone else’s actions? How can he blame me for what she did? I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy, but I don’t know if it is worth it if he is already starting to play mind games with me. What do you think?

I think ... the two of you are done. And I think you know it as well.

Now, it could be that this dude is tired of springing for airfare and is looking for an excuse to end it with you. But let's assume that he isn't, OK?

Here's the thing: When people are starting to build a relationship -- when it's going from "this person is fun to hang out with" to "should I clean out a drawer and let them leave a toothbrush?" -- they take harder looks at each other. They start to think about how this person will fit into their life.

You ask how the dude you're dating can blame you for your friend's actions (and we'll get back to her in a minute). It's called "guilt by association," sister. It shouldn't be that way, but there it is. But keep in mind that it works both ways -- you said his friend was rude as well. If your dude expects you to take responsibility for your pal, he should take some responsibility for his. Putting it all on you is a manipulative thing to do, and I'm so glad you recognize that.

As for your friend: What a crappy wingwoman she turned out to be! Never use her again, because she doesn't know how to behave. There are so many ways she could have handled the situation gracefully and she (and his friend too, for that matter) chose to act immaturely. While the dude you've been dating had no right to comment on your relationship with her, you have every right to examine your friendship, and decide if you are getting what you need out of it.

But let's get to what I think is the crux of this situation: "I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy." I believe many women are willing to overlook problems in relationships because A) they convince themselves they're overreacting, or that they're the problem, B) the guy is hot, or rich, or good in bed, etc., and they don't want to give him up, or C) they'd rather have a man than be alone. Women are often so worried about doing what they can do to make the man like/want them that they aren't thinking about if they even like/want the man in question.

Bottom line: He dissed your friend. He dissed you for having her as a friend. He's thinking you might not be such a good fit in his life. So why try to force him into yours?

It's OK to feel lonely

Lonely, definition by Merriam-Webster
1 a: being without company : lone b: cut off from others : solitary
2: not frequented by human beings : desolate
3: sad from being alone : lonesome
4: producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

“One” by Harry Nilsson
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

"No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world." – Aristotle
-------------------------------------------------

Loneliness is a feeling we’ve all encountered, and if you haven’t, well, you’re just plain lying to others and most importantly, yourself.

There’s a misconception that only single people can be lonely. You don’t have a date this Friday, you don’t have someone to call when you’ve had a bad day, you’re without a partner to throw the football to in the backyard, you go alone to the emergency room at 3 a.m. and you curl up in bed at night next to your dog.

But just because you have a significant other in your life who will do all of the aforementioned things, does not mean you cannot feel alone at times. You’re human. Admitting you’re lonely does not mean you’ve got problems in your marriage or that divorce is imminent. And it can be a fleeting experience or one that you carry for many years.

Obviously, there are varying levels. It’s hard to compare the feeling of being at home for the night while your spouse is out of town to the feeling one might get when your spouse believes you should handle the daughter’s punishment differently.

It all comes down to communicating to your spouse your feelings and then how you proceed to handle the issue together as well as inwardly.

Bottom line: It’s natural to feel lonely every now and then, no matter if you’re single or married.

Obviously, age isn't just a number

The Observer had a story a few days ago about how Lt. Gov. Beverly Perdue has fibbed about her age for more than two decades, reportedly because it was important to her first husband.

Beverly Perdue was older than Gary Perdue, alright. But we're not talking about years here. The difference was in months. Perdue was born Jan. 14, 1947, but she has often listed the date as Jan. 14, 1948. The change allowed Gary Perdue, born Oct. 6, 1947, to appear older.

"At the time, in the early '70s, that issue was important to her husband and to the marriage. That's why she did that," said Perdue spokesman David Kochman.

This situation illustrates three points:

1. We've come a long way, baby. I spent a hour on the sofa yesterday watching a special on the 25 hottest celebrity "cougar" matches. Of course, the beauteous Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, with their age difference of 15 years, was the No. 1 couple. Today, a lie about an age difference of eight-and-a half months just seems silly.

2. Speaking of silly -- man, we do silly things for love! If seen through the eyes of love, perhaps such a request would seem romantic, and not as a salve for an insecure man's pride.

3. A "little" lie can come back to bite you on the booty years later. So why bother?

She says I'm 'sweet' -- now what?

Here's a dilemma, from a male reader, that has got to rear its ugly head with almost every single guy out there:

If a woman I'm interested in is telling me I'm "sweet" and considers me an "absolute sweetheart" when we talk, does that mean ...

a) Thanks for being nice but I'm destined to be just a friend
b) She is giving me a "green light" to ask her out
c) Get lost, loser

This is a tough one for me to answer because I think guys who are really sweet are total keepers, but I do know women who will turn down a guy in just this manner, "He's so sweet, but he is such a slob and we'd never work out."

Your thoughts?

What your costume could say about you

Alisha: There are tons of challenges to finding costumes for children, but what about those pesky problems when searching for a costume at age 32? You have to take into account size (not many shops carry Troy plates for a 52-inch chest) and quick escapability (hey, if you find a cute security guard at the party, you don't want to spend 20 minutes peeling off your Wonder Woman outfit).

But most importantly, what costume you choose says a lot about you as a potential mate. Let's examine some costumes men and women might select this Halloween. Men first.

SUPERHEROES

Deirdre: The crux of this is how good the costume is. If it's detailed and fits well, the guy not only wants to be a hero, but he might be straying into comic book convention territory (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). If the costume is cheap, he's probably going for Jack Black-type humor, but he'll come off as a loser.
Alisha: If a guy wants to be Superman or Captain America, then I'm betting he's a good kisser and is quite passionate -- they always want to savior the moment.

GHOSTS AND ZOMBIES

Deirdre: Ghost costumes tend to involve full-body covers, which screams SHY to me. Zombies would imply someone creative (because of the makeup and "acting" abilities necessary), but also someone who gets their jollies off scaring people.
Alisha: If it's just a guy in a white sheet, I'm not impressed. But a white sheet with black holes in it, Charlie Brown style, shows a desire to be different - which is a good quality when picking out a mate.

MILITARY OR LAW ENFORCEMENT

Deirdre: A man who likes to be in charge! And what woman can resist a uniform? Not original, but still a smart move.
Alisha: Screams authority issues. But maybe that's a good thing if you're wanting a man who takes control in the bedroom.

Now for the women.

DRUNKEN, DRUGGED CELEBRITANTES

Alisha: Can you really take home a girl who wants to be Firecrotch for Halloween? Come on now.
Deirdre: HA! Or the chick who wants to flash everyone getting out of the car? Classy. It's also a cop-out, because it's a great cover for when they start drinking.

FAIRYTALE COSTUMES

Deirdre: Name one fairytale where the chick doesn't need to be saved. It might be a turnoff for dudes who like strong, independent women, and depending on the amount of body glitter used, it might make for a messy make-out session.
Alisha: Fellas, if you see a woman dressed up as Cinderella or Snow White, I sure hope you have a large savings account. That wedding is going to rival Princess Diana's, I guarantee you.

CUDDLY OR CUTE ANIMALS

Alisha: I picture the librarian types choosing cuddly animals as their Halloween costume, and of course, I immediately think those are the quiet, demure types out in public and the spontaneous, wild types at home.
Deirdre: Why do so many women go hoochie with it, though? "Sexy" kittens and Playboy bunnies. How obvious is the "touch me" message? And guys, how many men besides you have taken them up on it?

Readers, what are your ideas for costumes and their hidden meanings?

'Crazy in love' taken to a new level

Yesterday afternoon a friend and I watched an unnerving documentary, "Crazy Love" (released on DVD couple weeks ago).

It's about Burt Pugach and Linda Riss, a couple whose story started when they met in the '50s. Burt spotted the lovely Linda and decided instantly he had to have her. The two dated for years, and when Linda finally spurned him (I won't tell you why, but she was well within her rights), Burt went over the edge. He did something horrible to her (I won't tell you what, but it was despicable), and for it, he spent almost two decades in prison. When he got out he was as obsessively in love with Linda as ever, and continued to try to win her over.

HE DID. They married. They're still together.

My friend and I spent most of the documentary shaking our heads in wonder. "Uh, I'm OK not dating right now," I murmured as the story took its dark turn. Singlehood never seemed so ... safe.

The unsettling fact is that you really don't know who you're getting involved with when you start seeing someone. We all take a chance when we let someone new into our lives. Much of the time we're lucky, but in some cases, what begins as love mutates into something more sinister.

Also at the heart of the documentary is the knowledge that relationships work because the people involved are getting what they need out of it. What may seem kooky and ill-advised to us on the outside looking in may be perfectly natural and necessary to the folks who live it every day.

Ugh. The story of Burt Pugach and Linda Riss is scary enough for me this Halloween season, thank you very much.