Thursday, November 08, 2007

A reader's dating dilemma

A reader writes:

I had been dating a guy from New York -- I met him in Charlotte and he has visited several times since we met a couple of months ago. On his last visit a couple of weeks ago, he brought a friend with him and asked me if I could “hook” his friend up with one of my friends. I did this, but the two friends did not get along. The friend that I invited was rude, very demanding (so was his friend) and neither I nor my date enjoyed the weekend. After he left he began to criticize the relationship between my friend and myself, telling me that I let her run over me and that she did not have the right to act the way she did. I told him that I was just trying to keep the situation calm because her and his friend already didn’t get along. He acted like it was all my fault and we haven’t really been the same since.

My question is, at what point do you take responsibility for someone else’s actions? How can he blame me for what she did? I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy, but I don’t know if it is worth it if he is already starting to play mind games with me. What do you think?

I think ... the two of you are done. And I think you know it as well.

Now, it could be that this dude is tired of springing for airfare and is looking for an excuse to end it with you. But let's assume that he isn't, OK?

Here's the thing: When people are starting to build a relationship -- when it's going from "this person is fun to hang out with" to "should I clean out a drawer and let them leave a toothbrush?" -- they take harder looks at each other. They start to think about how this person will fit into their life.

You ask how the dude you're dating can blame you for your friend's actions (and we'll get back to her in a minute). It's called "guilt by association," sister. It shouldn't be that way, but there it is. But keep in mind that it works both ways -- you said his friend was rude as well. If your dude expects you to take responsibility for your pal, he should take some responsibility for his. Putting it all on you is a manipulative thing to do, and I'm so glad you recognize that.

As for your friend: What a crappy wingwoman she turned out to be! Never use her again, because she doesn't know how to behave. There are so many ways she could have handled the situation gracefully and she (and his friend too, for that matter) chose to act immaturely. While the dude you've been dating had no right to comment on your relationship with her, you have every right to examine your friendship, and decide if you are getting what you need out of it.

But let's get to what I think is the crux of this situation: "
I have been single for a long time and I really like this guy." I believe many women are willing to overlook problems in relationships because A) they convince themselves they're overreacting, or that they're the problem, B) the guy is hot, or rich, or good in bed, etc., and they don't want to give him up, or C) they'd rather have a man than be alone. Women are often so worried about doing what they can do to make the man like/want them that they aren't thinking about if they even like/want the man in question.

Bottom line: He dissed your friend. He dissed you for having her as a friend. He's thinking you might not be such a good fit in his life. So why try to force him into yours?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Here's the scoop. Your guy put you in a lousy situation. Why should you be responsible to "hook up" his friend? No good reason. Then he put you in a worse situation with your friend by not reining in his own bud. Then your friend put you in a bad situation by not handling the situation with the bud either. Then your guy blamed it all on you. Listen. You're not hangin' with the right people. They're not emotionally mature and they don't take responsibility for their own actions. That reflects on your own character, because you're chosing people who bring you some kind of empty fulfillment somehow. Lose your guy and limit your association with your friend. Then stop being everybody's relationship slave. Grow up yourself and you'll end up with a grown up boyfriend and some grown up friends to boot. But it starts with you.