I can't date like this

So ... I'm not in the best of spirits.

I got a nasty shock earlier this week. I ordered some pants online in a brand and size I normally wear. I excitedly pulled them on when they arrived.

And ... they were too tight. Not a "little" too tight, but "you-need-to-go-a-size-larger-because-your-gut-is-about-to-bust-the-zipper" too tight. I ordered the pants in the size I thought I was now, which is the largest size I have ever worn. So that means I am a size (or two?) larger than I've ever been in my life.

The next day I had to drag myself into work. I was discussing my predicament with a sympathetic co-worker when, without even thinking, I said:

I can't date like this.

I stopped, stunned, because I had encapsulated all my anxiety in that sentence.

Dating is about taking chances and putting yourself out there. You have to be comfortable enough with yourself to make yourself available to others. And if you don't feel your best, or you don't feel as though you are worthy of someone else's attention, you're gonna shut down. And let's face it, a big part of what makes us feel good about ourselves is how we look. How can we expect someone else to be attracted to us if we don't find ourselves attractive?

Also, a big part of romantic relationships is physical intimacy. And I'm not talking about sex, per se, but hugging, sitting close, the hand at the other's waist, the nuzzles and the playful, gentle touches. If you're always thinking, "Ooooh, I hope they didn't feel that fat roll," how can you relax and enjoy such gestures? How can you keep your body language from screaming, "DON'T TOUCH ME?"

And if you don't feel attractive, you'll do less to make yourself attractive. When I'm feeling good, I take extra care with my appearance. I wear my favorite outfits and I make sure my hair is cute. I'm not much for makeup, but I'll brush on powder and apply lip gloss. The past few weeks? It's been haphazard outfits, quick comb-throughs and ChapStick.

So the incident with the too-tight pants was, in fact, inevitable. I've known for months my weight has been creeping up, but I've done a great job of living in denial. Who wants to face that they've become a sloth? So I've put off trying on my summer clothes. Gone to bed early instead of going out on weekends. Felt the sludgy drag of my inactive body.

I'm just a ray of sunshine today, aren't I?

Well, I'm trying to change, but if you've ever struggled with your weight, you know the hardest part is the start. Last week I gave up candy. This week I cut back on cokes and paid attention to what I ate. Next week I (gulp!) go back to the gym.

I can't date like this. But hopefully, I won't be like this for much longer.