Tuesday, September 04, 2007

A dating disappointment

A friend recently met a guy she'd talked to on an online dating site. When she told me and some other pals this story, she prefaced it, just as I'm doing now, with an important detail: she has recent photos on her online profile. Full-body shots are included. So there's not much of a chance this guy had any illusions about her appearance.

Now, the date. He was the first to arrive, so he was waiting when my friend walked in. "And when he saw me he had this look ..." She rolled eyes toward the heavens, then looked away and let out an exasperated sigh. We listeners simultaneously groaned in sympathy and horror. "It was a look like he was disappointed in what he saw. He couldn't hide it."

This friend of mine is smart, funny and beautiful. She looks 15 years younger than her age. And yeah, she's a big girl; not hugely overweight, but no tiny thing, either. But look around. There are a lot of big girls -- the average American woman wears a size 14 -- plus, she didn't hide her size in her profile, but instead put it out there for all possible suitors to see.

Frankly, I don't know if I could have gone through with the date if I'd seen a look of disgust on the guy I was meeting. However, my friend made a decision. "I guess it was my revenge," she said. "I went in there and I totally turned on the charm." They drank beers and talked for two hours. My friend demonstrated his body language for much of the conversation: sitting as far back as he could with one arm thrown over the back of the seat, legs crossed and his body angled to the side, away from her. Oy. But ... the conversation was interesting, and "I kept making him laugh," my friend explained. "Every now and then I would make him burst out laughing and he would suddenly get this look like, 'oh, wait, it's the fat girl.' "

Rather than be mortified by the incident, my friend thought it was funny. I was outraged on her behalf. He saw her photos -- did he expect her to have miraculously lost 30 pounds before they met? If he could have concentrated on the fact he had a really good time, instead of the fact that she didn't look like a Pussycat Doll, maybe the two of them could have become friends. The thing about friends? They usually have other friends. Single and available friends. But no: After the meeting she sent the guy a noncommittal note, thanking him for the good conversation. His response? Something along the lines of, "yes, it was great conversation, but you have to admit there was no spark." I have to give him points for writing back. I think we all know people who wouldn't have responded at all.

I commended my friend for not letting the experience make her bitter, or timid about dating. May we all have such fortitude!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hooray for your friend! Any man who is that obsessed with looks isn't worth the effort of a serious date. Most of the women I've met with "knock your socks off" looks are vain and shallow, incapable of a committed relationship. What really counts is the personality, the heart. THAT'S what you live with for the rest of your life, not the looks. I hope your friend can find a good man worthy of her.

Anonymous said...

I met a guy online once and though he was still really cute in person, he was shorter than I was expecting, nearly my height (not exactly the tall man I thought I saw online). But I decided that since he came all the way over to go out with me, I'd at least be nice and try not to stare of how short he was. Funny thing, I never thought about it again. He was so funny and very sweet. Even when we got lost on the way to the restaurant, we both laughed and teased each other until we found it. We had a great conversation, and have been together almost two years now. Now, I'm happy he's nearly my height, that way I don't hurt my neck trying to kiss him.

Anonymous said...

Your friend's story, and anonymous 11:35, are wonderful to hear. Keep an open mind, an open heart, and a positive attitude, and your life *will* be rewarding in the long run. I have every confidence that your friend will some day be blessed with a positive, loving mate. :-)

Anonymous said...

"Any man who is that obsessed with looks isn't worth the effort of a serious date."

Only ugly people make those statements....

Anonymous said...

And only the vain reply....

Anonymous said...

amen, anonymous @ 2:58.

Anonymous said...

I met a wonderful guy online. We got along great before we met, so I was hoping it was going to be that way in person as well. He had pics online, but he was wearing a hat or sunglassess in some of them, so I was curious to see what he looked like in person. As it turns out we each thought the other looked better in person than in our pictures. We are still together and very much in love. Congrats to your friend for her wonderful attitude. And I hope she hangs in there with the online dating. Sometimes you have to go through a few lemons before you find a peach!

Anonymous said...

I tried posting an ad on craigslist over the weekend. I'm not the sexiest man in the world and I could stand to lose a few pounds and didn't want that to be a surprise so I posted a full-body shot of myself. I got a few response and one girl stood out. We had similar tastes in movies, music and sports. So last night we met at a bar. She only sent me a head shot of herself and the photo had to be five years old. She had gained a ton of weight and had aged significantly. I have to admit, I was disappointed, but I made sure not to show it. We stayed at the bar for almost six hours drinking, talking, playing pool and darts. She was great and I would love to hang out with her again. The problem is, I have no physical attraction to her whatsoever, and I have a feeling she does based on body language she showed me. After I got home she texted me and asked when she could see me again. I would love to be friends and hang out with her, but I don't want her to get the wrong impression. So what do I do? I just got out of a four-year relationship and I did say in the criagslist posting something about "looking for friends, maybe more" or something. So I feel like I should just say something like "you know, I'm not over my previous relationship yet, and I don't want to lead you on, but I do want to be friends with you." Is that the right thing to say? I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I do want to be friends with her, there just was no love connection there Chuck.

Anonymous said...

Didn't your friend remind him of the saying:

"Big girls: warmth in the winter and shade in the summer" ?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why he was disappointed in the first place, if her pictures show her to look as she actually does...go figure. But after gaining a lot of weight, I have noticed a difference in the way men look at me, and I have decided I don't want to deal with online dating until I lose more weight, so that situations like your friend don't have to happen to me...but your friend had a much better attitude about it than I would...comes to show she may be confident in how she carries extra weight...which is fine, but since that doesn't apply to me, I'll have to shed, and then I feel like my formerly sexy self. (25 pounds gone and counting!)

Katie said...

Wow, what a complete jerk he was! Your friend should have went up to him and asked him if he was constipated! LOL. I don't think I would have stayed knowing how he felt about me. No one that egotistical is worth my time.

Nicole said...

Good for your friend! That guy sounds like a jerk. Oh well, it's his loss, certainly not HERS.

Jessica said...

Personally, I would never try the online dating relm, but it is coming increasingly popular. If it works for someone that thats wonderful for them. I commend your friend for being confident and not taking the easy way out and bailing. I do wonder however what goes on inside the mind of men. I mean come on he saw pictures!

Anonymous said...

I'm a big believer in both people using a Web-cam. So you can actually see how they look like and avoid awkward situations like this. Even though a webcam can be a good indicator, there is nothing that can see if there is that "X-factor" between two people and if can transcend the cyber world to real life.

unicorn1824 said...

Internet dating can be a crapshoot, but as long as you take proper precautions and keep your preconceived notions to a minimum, it can expand your reach like nothing else out there.

BTW, is the friend still available? I'm not a big fan of anorexics....