Use Internet to research your dates?

The dreaded first date just ended. It went smoothly and you’re kicking yourself for being nervous. But before you pick up the cell to inform that handsome fella or gorgeous gal what a lovely time you had staring into their eyes … you first turn on your laptop.

That’s right. It’s time to get ol' Google rollin’ because you’ve got work to do.

With the onslaught of social networking sites, powerful search engine capabilities and access to more personal information than ever before, it seems more and more single people are flocking to the Internet to do their own “background checks” on potential dates.

I’ve talked with several singles lately that have uncovered startling facts just by spending a little time online, including: arrest records, messy divorce cases, children, spouses who are current and holes in people’s stories (i.e., he said he graduated from Dartmouth but his Facebook profile has Wake Technical Community College).

Now, I realize it’s been almost eight years since I was single, but I would have never thought to look up a potential significant other to see what I could unearth about his past. Then again, eight years ago in Web years is like when the caveman first rubbed two sticks together.

Are you using Facebook, MySpace, Ning, Twitter, Google, LexisNexis and a bevy of other sites to do background checks on your dates? If you are, and you find out some juicy information, is that a deal-breaker for you or do you bring up your self-explored research to your potential date? Tell us. Enquiring minds want to know.

Online dating is a small world

An online-dating friend was checking her matches recently and did a double take when she saw one of the men. She'd been matched with a co-worker.

Awkward.

When she told me about it, I was immediately reminded of a chick I knew in California. I always thought of her as the "Match bunny" because she was such a prolific online dater. The bunny was mortified when eHarmony matched her with an ex-boyfriend.

"Obviously, I have to move, because I've dated every man in San Francisco!" she wailed. I pointed out that maybe there was something to that eHarmony compatibility test, since she was matched with a man she had once found relationship-worthy. She was not consoled.

The bunny illustrates a point: the online dating world, especially when you limit it to where you live, really ain't that big. Talk to friends who have similar tastes in prospective partners and if they're online dating, it's likely they've been out with some of the same people. In a small area like Charlotte, it's totally possible you'd be matched with folks you already know.

My friend -- who wound up having a laugh with her co-worker about their "match" -- asked what I thought was the right thing to do. Well, dating a co-worker is no joke. As someone who has done it, I wouldn't recommend it. Some companies have policies against it. So if you do decide to date a co-worker, I say tread lightly.

If you're not interested (or even if you are, but have decided it's not a good idea), you have an easy out: "I'm sorry, but I don't date people I work with." It's a logical and understandable response. But then I would add I'd keep an eye out for someone they might like, and ask them to do the same for me. Hey, you've already read each other's profiles! Not only are you ending things on a painless note (and you can still look each other in the eye at the office), you never know what might happen. Friends do have other friends.

A dating disappointment

A friend recently met a guy she'd talked to on an online dating site. When she told me and some other pals this story, she prefaced it, just as I'm doing now, with an important detail: she has recent photos on her online profile. Full-body shots are included. So there's not much of a chance this guy had any illusions about her appearance.

Now, the date. He was the first to arrive, so he was waiting when my friend walked in. "And when he saw me he had this look ..." She rolled eyes toward the heavens, then looked away and let out an exasperated sigh. We listeners simultaneously groaned in sympathy and horror. "It was a look like he was disappointed in what he saw. He couldn't hide it."

This friend of mine is smart, funny and beautiful. She looks 15 years younger than her age. And yeah, she's a big girl; not hugely overweight, but no tiny thing, either. But look around. There are a lot of big girls -- the average American woman wears a size 14 -- plus, she didn't hide her size in her profile, but instead put it out there for all possible suitors to see.

Frankly, I don't know if I could have gone through with the date if I'd seen a look of disgust on the guy I was meeting. However, my friend made a decision. "I guess it was my revenge," she said. "I went in there and I totally turned on the charm." They drank beers and talked for two hours. My friend demonstrated his body language for much of the conversation: sitting as far back as he could with one arm thrown over the back of the seat, legs crossed and his body angled to the side, away from her. Oy. But ... the conversation was interesting, and "I kept making him laugh," my friend explained. "Every now and then I would make him burst out laughing and he would suddenly get this look like, 'oh, wait, it's the fat girl.' "

Rather than be mortified by the incident, my friend thought it was funny. I was outraged on her behalf. He saw her photos -- did he expect her to have miraculously lost 30 pounds before they met? If he could have concentrated on the fact he had a really good time, instead of the fact that she didn't look like a Pussycat Doll, maybe the two of them could have become friends. The thing about friends? They usually have other friends. Single and available friends. But no: After the meeting she sent the guy a noncommittal note, thanking him for the good conversation. His response? Something along the lines of, "yes, it was great conversation, but you have to admit there was no spark." I have to give him points for writing back. I think we all know people who wouldn't have responded at all.

I commended my friend for not letting the experience make her bitter, or timid about dating. May we all have such fortitude!

We tussle over online dating

Deirdre: I've been sick, but I know I feel better because I'm in the mood for a good fight. You ready to debate online dating?
Alisha: (Ringing the bell) Let's get it on! And it's about time, Deirdre.
Deirdre: Hmpf. Anyway, while I believe online dating would be a positive thing for some people -- say, the really shy/introverted who need to work on people skills, or folks who live in isolated areas -- on the whole, I am against the practice.
Alisha: Why? Online dating is safe. It's practical. It's free. It provides a safety net.
Deirdre: Online dating is NOT safe. It's that false sense of security that can get people in trouble. Online dating is NOT practical. Think of the hours people spend weeding out "matches" that are really nothing more than random names. Online dating is NOT free. Memberships to most services have fees. Online dating does NOT provide a safety net. Instead, it provides a thick curtain of anonymity for people to hide behind while they lie, cheat and steal.
Alisha: Does online dating scare you or do you think it's just a bad way to connect with a potential partner?
Deirdre: I'm not scared of it -- I don't trust it. In general, it saddens me that this is the direction our society is heading in when it comes to starting and building relationships. I'm not stupid -- I know online dating is here to stay, and I know some people are having success with it.
Alisha: I would much rather get to know a person through months of correspondence than to run into some stranger at a bar. Online dating also gives people confidence. You can chat with someone you likely would never approach in public.
Deirdre: The two main aspects that put me off online dating: 1) I believe in using all of your senses when sussing out if someone is a potential mate. That includes the sixth sense, if you will, where you get a vibe off another person. When you're online, you're restricted to what that person types. You can't see their eyes or read their body language or hear the way they say something. 2) The anonymity of online enables lying. Sure, people lie in person, but online, the lies come so much more fluidly, from little "10 pounds/5 years off" fibs to big whoppers, like people pretending they're of the oppposite sex.
Alisha: Online dating is the preliminary step to a relationship. You eventually will have to get up off of the couch and go out on a date. And, you're right -- there's nothing that can compare to body language and signals. As for the lying, that can happen whether you're online or not.
Deirdre: There's also a part of me that feels it's lazy. You could meet more dating possibilities if you spend less time on the computer and more time out among people.
Alisha: It's not about being lazy. Some people who were married for 30 years might suddenly find themselves single again after a divorce. Online dating is a great avenue for them because it's a way to ease back into the singles scene.
Deirdre: Or they could check out singles groups, or tell their friends to set them up, or join activity clubs that cater to older adventurers ... I think more and more people are looking to the Internet as their last hope, or their only hope. And that's just not the case.
Alisha: What if you're scared to ask for help or you're ashamed you're single? Online dating caters to that crowd.
Deirdre: But the majority of daters don't have to go online. I think it could turn from a curiosity-satisfier into a dating crutch.
Alisha: Online dating is just not as evil as you portray it.
Deirdre: It's not as evil as I portray it, but it's not Soulmate Central like all the commercials and ads portray it, either. That's all I'm sayin'.
Alisha: I don't doubt there are some happily married couples who gave online dating a chance. Speaking of chances, thanks for finally discussing why you think online dating is bad. I'm sure some folks will agree with you, and some will agree with me.