Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Can't the sex wait?

A reader (I'll call him Single Black Male -- SBM) writes:

"Black male: 41, straight, never married, no kids, gainfully employed, homeowner, disease-free, social drinker, non-smoker, physically fit. What about the male perspective of being single and wanting to be in a relationship, but meeting a lot of princesses who turn out to be frogs?

"I meet very successful women through my business, church, socially, etc. As a man who has standards and values, you would think that being up-front about this would be welcomed. However, it has been my experience that many women are so conditioned to receiving or meeting men who are only interested in one thing, if you will, that when they meet a man who is interested in more, you are looked upon as strange or with a 'what's wrong with you?' attitude. Many of the women I meet do not value themselves and are in a rush to jump into bed. If you tell a women that we should wait, you get the gay label.

"Not that I have a walls up, but I am guarded about who I allow into my life. Is it too much to ask that we get to know each other first before we enter into a physical relationship?"

Listen, SBM, one of my closest friends told me he went to a club with some pals. He asked a woman to dance, and when they got out on the floor, she proceeded to "back that thang up." When he didn't respond by putting his hands on her and instead tried to put a respectful distance between them, she gave him one of those "what's wrong with you?" looks. That was the end of that.

I've heard stories like yours, and my friend's, so many times, from men and women. People try to rush the physical side of things for a myriad of reasons. Some might have a strong sex drive and genuinely just want to get laid. Some might equate sex with love. Some might tie their sexual attractiveness to their likability as a person. If you don't want to do them, a defense mechanism kicks in and to keep their self-esteem intact, something has to be wrong with you. In our mixed-signaled, sex-drenched culture, it's hard to not take this dating stuff too personally.

Most people do what they do because they think that's what it takes to get what they want ... if that makes sense. Some women think that to get a man they have to be sexually aggressive, or some men think they have to be "macho" to win a woman's initial respect. The trick is to find someone who's only willing to go as far as you're willing to go.

SBM, it sounds like you've been through a bad stretch of meeting women who aren't compatible. These low periods happen to us all, but trust me: there are plenty of women out there who want to know a man before they know him. Don't stop looking.


Stephen said...

Your blog is pointless. I struggle to believe it takes two of you to write it.

Anonymous said...


This sounds like the man for you. Why don't you go out with him?

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous 2:59. Deirdre, why not ask this guy out? He sounds great!

Deirdre McGruder said...

NO. You guys, this blog is not my personal dating service! Now, no more of that.

Anonymous said...

Plus - he's probably TOO nice for her. She might have been the one "backing that thang up." ;)

Who wants to date a guy who decides in the first ten minutes if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?

And I'm a guy, by the way. He needs to relax and have a little fun and forget about the rest of his life. Live in the moment, and the rest of your life will happen soon enough.

pornstudent said...

Are the women SBM meets in Church in a rush to jump into bed? They thinks he's gay for wanting to wait?

Anonymous said...

Your blog is fine. I find it pathetic that it makes someone's day to actually take the time to comment on a blog that they find pointless. Pot, kettle.

As for SBM, good women are hard to find. There's a reason so many women are looking for a good man. It's because they don't know one, or can't handle one, when they see them. Carry on, sir.

Anonymous said...

Send those women my way. She can back that thing on up on me. I just enjoy sex and want some more. Deidre, you're next!

Anonymous said...

This guy sounds like a dream come true....and yet, women are bypassing him because he's behaving like a gentleman. These same women will then complain about there being no good men out there. I think many of us are so used to meeting guys who want to sleep with us within a short amount of time, that we are surprised to actually meet a man who isn't in a rush. He sounds like a winner...if he's cute, I'll take him. LOL.

Anonymous said...

I met a girl in a bar here in Charlotte a while back... she was definitely drunk, I was somewhat drunk, and within minutes of us starting to talk, she took my hand and put it waaaaay up on her thigh, not something I would have considered doing myself so quickly. When I expressed a desire to maybe take things a little more slowly, she paid her tab and left... she wasn't even interested in maybe seeing each other later on.

Later on, I saw where she got married to someone else. I guess it worked out well for her that I wasn't in such a hurry to jump into the sack with someone who was basically a complete stranger.