Husband Hunting Bra? This is just wrong.

C'mon now. This wouldn't even work as a gag gift.

New from the Japanese company Triumph comes "support" for "the women who don't have everything: the 'Husband-Hunting Bra.' " Yep, it's a brassiere with a nuptial timepiece (above) that the wearer sets herself.

"First you decide your target time or deadline till marriage and the countdown clock will start. Once you find your life partner and get engaged, you have to insert the engagement ring into the slot and the clock stops and 'The Wedding March' begins," Keiko Masuda of Triumph told Reuters.

Sigh.

Like other countries, Japan's marriage rate is falling and the average wedding age -- now 28 -- is rising. Fifty-seven percent of women under age 34 are single, and Masuda said they've become more aggressive in their quest to find a mate. "The roles have switched completeley," he said.

And how is this bra supposed to help? As if the pressure to get to the alter wasn't enough, some chicks now need foundation garments to remind them their biological clocks are ticking? Ugh.

N.C. city made a booty call list

The Web site OnlineBootyCall.com, has released its top 10 cities for booty calls, aka "sex with no strings that always seems to have 'em anyway." The site is for people looking to "connect with like-minded singles for casually dating." (Uh, is this like the scandalous personals on Craigslist where people keep getting arrested for solicitation?)

I tried to look at the site here at work and the Observer's filter sent me to the FBI homepage -- that's what we get when a site is too naughty for the workplace. A bad (or good, considering how you look at it) sign. Here's the site's top 10 cities for April:

1. New York City
2. Los Angeles
3. Chicago
4. Houston
5. Atlanta
6. Philadelphia
7. Jacksonville, N.C.
8. San Diego
9. Columbus, Ohio
10. Dallas

My guess? Jacksonville made it because Camp Lejeune is within spitting distance. Lots of young guys rarin' to do what young guys do, and the ladies luuuuuv a man in uniform.

I have fond memories of Jacksonville. I used to live in Wilmington, and when a girlfriend came for a weekend visit we drove up to party with the Marines. She hooked up with a Marine who became her husband. A weekend of hot hotel sex led to marriage. They're still together. Go figure.

Guys in search of BFFs

I will admit this is something I haven't given much thought: Men have trouble finding friends, too.

That's what the new comedy "I Love You, Man" is about. The main character is getting married and he realizes he's not close enough to any guy to ask him to be his best man. So he goes on the hunt for a new best friend. (My first thought was, "ask your best female friend to stand up for you instead," but then there would be no movie, right?) I saw the trailer and it did highlight some of the difficulties -- with the inevitable moment where the main character is out with a guy and the dude lays a kiss on him at the end of their "date" (whoops!) -- but the flick looks to be all fluff.

A more substantive discussion of the problem is the recent Salon.com essay by Ryan Blitstein, "Couple seeking couple for good time."

"Until recently, I thought of myself as different, especially when it came to maintaining friendships with other men," Ryan writes. "I am not afraid to ask a guy out on a so-called man-date. I don't need to use SportsCenter or an action movie or an indie rock show to overpower the supposed latent homoeroticism that some men attribute to one-on-one male socializing. I'm as comfortable talking about relationships with another dude as I am arguing about politics. But it seems the older I get, the harder it is to find new people to engage in these conversations."

His problem is a common one as more people move from state to state, often coast to coast, for jobs. Ryan relocated to Chicago to be closer to family and his girlfriend. The couple has plenty of friends, just none nearby. Neither has an office job, and they're having trouble building a new social circle.

"... My girlfriend and I have embarked on a process akin to a platonic version of dating. Parties, for us, resemble nothing so much as speed-dating events. We search for friends of either sex, sending garbled nonverbal signals back and forth, waiting to gush about our new same-sex and opposite-sex crushes on the train ride home. I search for wedding rings on the fingers of women I like -- not because I'm hoping they're single, but because I'm hoping they're not, and that maybe their husbands will be willing to double date."

Finding people you'd like to spend more than 5 minutes at a party with is a challenge. But knowing there are others out there, engaged in the same activity, is heartening.

A reader asks: What happened to casual dating?

Alicia: Today, we pose a question: If the object of your attraction states at the first date that he/she isn't interested in a commitment, do you stick around? We ask because a reader wonders:

"What about women wanting a commitment when men state from the start they do not want one? Usually men and women do want to date, but want to casually -- this does not always mean that sex is involved. I’ve noticed it’s more prevalent in these parts that if you want to casually date, and say that at the beginning, women are up for it at first, but after three dates or so they are pressing you for some sort of commitment. What about keeping your options open? Men and women, at least this gives us something to compare, and to see who's personality or vibe is a better fit. I do think it would have both sexes thinking and looking more inward."

Deirdre: It's been said that people tell you exactly who they are when you first meet them. It's just a matter of if you choose to hear them or not. I think in a lot of cases, people turn a deaf ear to news that the person they want a relationship with is not interested in a relationship with anyone.

Alicia: Someone who says "no commitment" at the outset is closing off possibilities that haven't even opened up. Doesn't seem like someone I'd want to hang with romantically or otherwise.

Deirdre: I don't know. I think I might. I'm not looking for a relationship either, and it would be fun and freeing to hang out with someone with no strings attached. But what if I become attached?

Alicia: That's always the danger, isn't it? And isn't someone who says he's not looking for a commitment at the outset daring you not to care? I'd be headed for a lot of hurt.

Deirdre: And how many people have we known who have dated a commitmentphobe thinking that person would change their mind?

Alicia: I know I've broken up with a few ...

Deirdre: And the reader's point about why we have to make a decision after the third date -- I say: not everyone does. But the majority of women in America do want to partner up and have kids. The clocking is ticking on their eggs. Also, in general people's time is limited. They often date with a purpose now.

Alicia: That's true. Do you agree with his opinion that the expectations seem to be higher in our area than in others? I've found that it doesn't matter where you live, more people in the dating way want commitment than don't. Or maybe it's just the people I know.

Deirdre: Like a friend of mine recently said: "Women in different regions are just different kinds of crazy." That goes for men, too. It just seems hard where you are because that's where you are.

Alicia: Geographically and emotionally.

Deirdre: Also, the reader's mention of sex -- is it even possible to make it to the third date without at least a trip to third base? When I say I'd rather not kiss on the first date, people look at me like I'm a nun. There's an assumption of physical intimacy these days that makes a person suspect if they enjoy someone's company without swapping bodily fluids.

Alicia: And that's a whole other level of entanglement.

Deirdre: So, yeah, for a lot of people plenty is riding on those early dates. If it was ever a "casual" pastime, it certainly isn't now.

Girls: Why don't you call back?

Yesterday I wrote about how a guy asked for my number (we were at a club) and he hasn't called. I asked readers -- in particular, male readers -- what would make them ask for contact info and then not use it. Several guys turned the question back on me in the comments. Here's a great example:

"I completely understand your frustration, however as a guy I have had the same thing happen. You meet a girl at a bar/club have a good time and you both seem interested in another meeting, the girl gives you her number you call, and she doesn't answer or call back. I would rather her just say she's not interested and that would save us both time. I think that a lot of women are afraid to say no in person and it's easier to ignore a phone call."

I could not agree more -- just (tactfully) say you're not interested! That would be so refreshing. But I think our first response is to say something that will either avoid confrontation or spare feelings.

Ladies, it's your turn. A guy asks for your number. Do you give him a fake one? If it's real, do you give it knowing that you won't answer when he calls? Or do you give your number with every intention of talking to him ... but then wake up the next day and think better of it? Also: any chicks out there who pull a preemptive strike and ask for the guy's number first?

Guys: Why ask if you're not gonna call?

I was at a club with friends Sunday night when I met a man. We chatted, we danced, and as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number.

That was Sunday. Now it's Thursday. I haven't heard from him.

This is where opinion breaks down between the sexes. I'm sure there are plenty of men thinking, "Give the guy a break. It's only Thursday." I'm equally sure there are plenty of women thinking, "You gave him your number on Sunday? Girl, he is so not calling." Either way, I'm not holding my breath for a phone call.

Ladies, how many times have you given your phone number and never heard from the guy again? You're probably like me: not heartbroken, just curious as hell. Why ask for the digits if you're not going to use them?

Men, here's your chance to set the record straight. If you've ever asked for a woman's contact info and then never used it, tell us why. Did you lose it? Did you wake up the next morning and think back on how dark it was in the club, and maybe she wasn't as cute as you thought she was? Did you decide you'd rather not be bothered? Did you get back with your ex? Or do you like to ask for a chick's number, just to see if you can get it?

Come on, guys. Solve one of dating's enduring mysteries!

Your love life in six words?

Who knew so much could be said in six words? In honor of Valentine's Day, NPR's "Talk of the Nation" did a great segment on Smith Magazine's new book, "Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak." The book has hundreds of mini-memoirs from famous and regular folks. (Examples: "Don't trust a man who waxes"; "Tried men. Tried women. Like cats"; and "She got Hodgkins lymphoma. I bailed," which is brutal.) People called and e-mailed in to the show to share theirs; some of my favorites: "Beth filled gaps. My wife disagreed." "College boys are really, really awful." "Should have considered nose-hair trimmer."

I then asked a few people to describe their love lives, with cool results:

My Relate co-writer, Alicia: Getting better despite having two kids.

A single male co-worker: My ex scares away cute girls.

A married male co-worker: It's my anniversary. Try me later. (He's an inveterate smart-ass.)

A pal who's a single mom: I wish I had more sex.

And here's mine: High-strung but low-maintenance. Interested?

Get in on the memoir action! Describe your love life in six words.

Addendum: One of my best friends sent hers and I had to add it, because it's pure poetry: "She teetered between desire and disappointment."

Women, spend some time with 'Money'

Ladies, if you haven't already had a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself about money in this recession, now's the time. And Liz Perle's "Money, A Memoir: Women, Emotions, and Cash" is just the book to start the conversation. I've been recommending it to friends and co-workers, and now I want to suggest it to you as well.

Let me tell you up front that this is not easy reading. After the prologue I had to put the book down for a day or two, to steel myself for what was to come. This paragraph is partially what did it:

"Long ago, and not entirely consciously, I made a quiet contract with cash. I would do what it took to get it -- work hard, marry right -- but I didn't want to have to think about it. I simply wanted to know I would be financially secure. This intentional avoidance eventually exacted its price. In the service of sidestepping, whenever possible, my anxious feelings (if not my facts) about money, I've signed over a lot of power to anyone or anything that promised to make me feel financially safe -- no matter what the consequences. I've left my emotions about money -- the fears and ambivalences -- largely unexamined. I've avoided facing my contradictory feelings about the whole subject, such as the fact that I want to have my own money with the independence it gives, while simultaneously hoping someone or something will step up to the plate and take care of me. I've invited these highly emotional and unstable sets of feelings into every relationship I've had, and they have silently accompanied and influenced each one -- with my father, my work, my friends, my bosses, and my husbands. (there have been two -- oddly, both named Steve.)"

Any of that sound familiar? I thought so. And that's just in the prologue. It came soon after Liz talked about how her husband decided he didn't want to be married any more ... and they'd already sold their apartment in New York and had all their belongings steaming across the ocean to join them in Singapore, where they moved for his job. Liz's husband told her to go back to the States and take their 4-year-old son with her. He gave her $1,500. And that was it.

Most women's financial problems aren't as dramatic as that, and Liz interviewed plenty of them for the book. Trust me, as messed up as you think your situation is, there are chicks in the book who will make you feel better about it. Women who get into credit card debt because they buy pretty things to make themselves feel better. Women who are the breadwinners in their family, and they resent their husbands because of it (and the husbands resent them right back). Women who steal cash from their husband's wallets to squirrel away, "just in case." Women who've grown up thinking they'll "marry well," and that's their career plan.

But there's also examples of women who have their lives together, and input from financial experts and sociologists and psychologists who offer explanations of our behavior and some guidance. And throughout, author Liz tells her own story, and shares how she overcame her own manias and misconceptions. Women, no matter where you are in your life, "Money, a Memoir" will open your eyes to your own financial foibles. Oh, and it's available for free at the library. :o)

Passing the, um, scream test?

The friend I refer to as Gabrielle, aka "the club kitten," called last night after the Super Bowl to commiserate (we both rooted for the Cardinals) and to share a dating story.

At the all-girl Super Bowl party Gabrielle attended, talk turned to dating during halftime. One of the stories involved a mutual female friend. It seems that when this woman is on a first date, she imagines screaming her date's name during sex. If the name doesn't just flow off the tongue, her interest dims. It's not a deal-breaker, per se, but it doesn't help the date's chances if they have a multisyllabatic moniker.

Gabrielle was floored. She couldn't believe such an assessment was used on a first date. It's rather shallow, no?

Also, "you should see this girl," Gabrielle said. "She is so mousy. To look at her, you wouldn't think she would even scream during sex, and then to imagine her screaming out someone's name?"

The girls at the party saw the look on Gabrielle's face and burst out laughing. Then they started yelling her name in a faux orgasmic frenzy.

The sad/funny/weird thing? After telling me that story, Gabrielle said that she'll probably imagine herself screaming out her next date's name. And now I will, too!

Guys: Does it matter what women wear?

Fellas, I need you to weigh in on this one.

New Year's Eve I went to a party with a girlfriend. It was one of those big events where there's hundreds of people milling around, drinking, dancing and yelling at each other over the music. We ran into one of our coworkers from another department. He was with a group of welcoming, fun people, so we hung out with them for awhile.

After a few more drinks our coworker looked at us and announced that we were dressed all wrong for the party. (Truth be told, it did seem that the uniform for the night was strapless cocktail dress, and we didn't get the memo.) He told my friend that she was dressed like a grandmother. She had on black velvet pants and a cute, '50s inspired black short-sleeved sweater. Then he told me to look at myself -- I was covered from head to toe. I had on wide-legged black pants and a black blouse that was gauzy, but, indeed, long-sleeved.

Our coworker looked sincerely confused. He said we were both sexy women. He said he'd seen us in more enticing outfits at work than the ones we had on at the party. Basically, he wanted to know why were were hiding our light under a bushel.

We weren't offended by his comments; he'd had a lot to drink and even though his remarks were blunt, he obviously wasn't trying to be hurtful. My friend and I are NYE party veterans, and were going for classy comfort when we chose our outfits.

But we discussed his comments after he'd gone off to dance with his date. My friend argued that a man shouldn't be attracted to her just because she was wearing a revealing outfit; he should be attracted to the person she is as well. I agreed that women shouldn't feel like they had to dress borderline hoochie to get male attention, but added that there's nothing wrong with accentuating one's natural assets.

Guys, this is where you come in. Do you find yourself more likely to approach a woman if she's dressed provocatively, or if she's in jeans and a T-shirt? Or does it not matter what she's wearing?

He just wasn't that into me

I'd been at a friend's Christmas party for a couple hours when her neighbor showed up. Her single male neighbor. Her sexy single male neighbor.

I had met this guy before at another party; he was laid-back, confident and witty, in addition to being easy on the eyes. And when a small pack of us moved to a nearby bar to continue drinking and talking, I figured it was the perfect time to get to know him better.

At this point, I'd been drinking for awhile, so my reaction time was slow. I mention that because signs I normally would've noticed went right over my head. Signs like while we did talk and laugh at the party and at the bar, he didn't come over to join my conversations, but rather, I joined his. Also, he spent more time with other women at the bar than with our group. But all was made clear when, at one point, we were standing next to each other, but his attention was on a thin blonde nearby.

"So ... you like skinny white chicks?" I asked.

"Yep," he replied with a nod and a smile. A refreshingly pithy response, actually.

And ... that was that. I'm not skinny, or white. I will never be skinny, or white. I looked really good that night, and conversation flowed smoothly, but if I'm not his type, there's nothing I could do, you know?

I think a lot of women beat themselves up when something like this happens. I know I used to. You think that, because a certain man isn't attracted to you, there has to be something wrong with you. You must've said the wrong thing. Wore the wrong outfit. If only you were prettier, smarter, skinnier, taller, funnier. The truth of the matter is, it's not even about you, really. We all like what we like. Just because one particular man isn't attracted to you, that doesn't mean all men feel the same way. But I think that some women (and men, too, don't wanna leave you out) take a lack of interest personally, when they shouldn't.

So I shrugged off the sexy neighbor. There's plenty of men who do like non-skinny, non-white chicks. Of that, I'm sure.

Best airport for a romantic connection?

Now that the holiday travel season is upon us, you may be dreading waits and delays at airports. But try looking at it from a positive angle. From BudgetTravel.com:

"For singles, long airport waits are opportunities for romantic encounters. If history is any guide, Chicago O'Hare will offer plenty of opportunities for singles to meet up and bond over shared trouble. Last winter, O'Hare led the nation's airports in flight delays, with one out of every two flights delayed on average. Midway came in second-place, with one out of every three flights delayed. (Way to go, Chicago!)"

Got a flight scheduled to go through Chicago? Ladies, don't forget your lip gloss. Fellas, leave the stained sweatshirt at home and opt for a nice sweater. Budget Travel continues:

"Romance is in the air when flights get grounded. Consider the results of a survey of 860 travelers last fall by StrategyOne.

'Nearly one in 10 adults has personally gone out or knows someone who has gone out with someone they met at the airport or during a flight. The survey also showed people are taking advantage of their flight time: one-third of adults would rather sit next to someone they find attractive or interesting than have an entire row to themselves.' "

BTW, there are going to be bigger airfare sales this year. Fearing a possible sharp decline in commercial traffic in 2009, the airlines are desperate to fill seats on their planes this holiday season, so they'll be offering rock-bottom prices on flights. You never know -- maybe love really is in the air!

Do men ever ASK to dance?

Over the weekend I hit a club with Nightlife writer and Paid to Party blogger Sarah Aarthun. We were relaxing at the bar when I drew her attention to a dude nearby who thought he was a backup dancer in Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step" video. He obviously thought he was doing something over there.

"Why doesn't he just ask a girl to dance, so everybody can see him?" I asked Sarah.

"Hmm. I don't think men ask women to dance anymore," was her response.

"Really?!" I said, shocked. Then we both got faraway looks in our eyes as we tried to remember the last time a guy had actually asked us to dance, rather than just coming up on the dance floor and joining in.

Sound familiar, ladies? You're getting your groove on, having fun with your girlfriends when suddenly a guy jumps in between you (if he's really foolish, he'll shout, "SANDWICH!") and starts gyrating like mad. Or you're moving to the music, eyes closed, when you feel a unexpected crotch pressed against your backside. Or you're doing your calm version of the "I'm not gonna sweat" dance (every woman has one) when you slowly realize there's a dude right next to you, bumping and grinding and trying to get you pregnant through your clothes.

I brought up the topic with the friend I call Gabrielle, aka, The Club Bunny. She has dubbed the maneuver the "sneak attack."

"It's about fear of rejection," she theorized. "If you ask someone to dance, you give them a verbal chance to say no. But if you just start dancing with them, they have to turn away or walk away from you on the floor, and some might think it's not worth the trouble. Especially if it's their favorite song -- you'll at least get that one dance."

Back to me and Sarah at the club. We're on the dance floor, grooving and laughing, when my favorite jam surfaces in the DJ's mashup: "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock. (I'm 38, remember?) With a delighted squeal I start dancing harder. Right then a guy eases past us, headed for the bar. He looks at me, and the next thing I know, I'm in his arms and Sarah's giving me a "didn't I tell you?" look over his shoulder as she dances away.

Weigh in on this, people. Ladies: do men still ask you to dance, or do they mostly employ the sneak attack when you're already on the floor? And how do you feel about it? Fellas: Do you ask women to dance, or move in when you see the goofy "This. Is. MY. JAM!" smile spread across their face?

You won't get lucky with these lines

Ran across a delightful short by Salon.com's Kate Harding with some serious dating don'ts: things guaranteed to not get you laid. You'll have to admit, her list is pretty good:

1. Don't tell me on a first date about the time you were tested for chlamydia (because you found out your high school girlfriend was "a bit of a skank") and go on to describe in loving detail the sensation of a medical-grade Q-tip being inserted into your penis.

2. When informed that I have an autistic nephew, don't respond with, "Well, at least when he gets older, you can take him to Vegas, right?"

3. Do not bring red roses to a woman on the first date. This is not an adorably romantic gesture. This is creepy as all hell.

4. Do not tell me that despite your being in your early 30s, most of your friends are in their early 20s, because "they just get you better."

5. Do not attempt to impress me by speaking Spanish to a waitress, if you don't actually speak Spanish.

6. Do not call out, as you watch my ass while I walk to the washroom, "You know, you're not really that fat. You're, like, thick at best."

7. When I say, "Hey, you know, my friends will make sure I get home OK, so you can feel free to go," do not interpret this as an invitation to stay.

Can you top Kate's list?

State of singles in America

Guess what? This is Unmarried and Single Americans Week. "National Singles Week" was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. The week is now widely observed during the third full week of September as "Unmarried and Single Americans Week," an acknowledgment that many unmarried Americans do not identify with the word "single" because they are parents, have partners or are widowed. Here's some illuminating statistics about us singletons, courtesy of the Census Bureau:

92 million: Number of unmarried Americans 18 and older in 2006. This group comprised 42 percent of all U.S. residents 18 and older.

54%: Percentage of unmarried Americans 18 and older who are women.

60%: Percentage of unmarried Americans 18 and older who have never been married.
Another 25 percent are divorced, and 15 percent are widowed.

15 million: Number of unmarried Americans 65 and older. These older Americans comprise
16 percent of all unmarried and single people 18 and older.

86: Number of unmarried men 18 and older for every 100 unmarried women in the United States.

50.7 million: Number of households maintained by unmarried men or women. These households comprise 44 percent of households nationwide.

30.5 million: Number of people who live alone. They comprise 27 percent of all households, up from 17 percent in 1970.

35%: Percentage of births in the last 12 months, as of 2006, to women who either were separated, widowed, divorced or never married. Of these 1.5 million unmarried mothers, 199,000 were living with an unmarried partner.

12.9 million: Number of single parents living with their children in 2006. Of these, 10.4 million were single mothers.

733,000: Number of unmarried grandparents who were caregivers for their grandchildren in 2006. They comprised about three in 10 grandparents who were responsible for their grandchildren.

6 million: Number of unmarried-partner households in 2006. These include 5.2 million of the opposite sex and 780,000 of the same sex.

904: The number of dating service establishments nationwide as of 2002. These establishments, which include Internet dating services, employed nearly 4,300 people and generated $489 million in revenues.

36%: Percentage of voters in the 2004 presidential election who were unmarried.

83%: Percentage of unmarried people 25 and older in 2007 who were high school graduates.

24%: Percentage of unmarried people 25 and older in 2007 with a bachelor's degree or more education.

Thumbs down for 'How to Be Single'

I was excited when one of the book mavens at the paper came over with a copy of Liz Tuccillo's new novel, "How to Be Single." Tuccillo co-authored the self-help phenomenon "He's Just Not That Into You," and even though I thought she was the book's weak link, and even though I'm not a fan of chick lit, I was still interested. The protagonist is the same age I am and I thought it would be fun to read a single point of view from the same place I'm in.

Here's the first paragraph from the book cover:

"On a brisk October morning in New York, Julie Jensen, a single thirty-eight-year-old book publicist, is on her way to work when she gets a hysterical phone call from her friend Georgia. Reeling from her husband's announcement that he is leaving her for a samba teacher, Georgia convinces a reluctant Julie to organize a fun girls' night out with all their single friends to remind her why it is so much fun not to be tied down."

I shoulda known when I saw "samba teacher."

You guys, I only made it to page 17 -- and that was out of sheer stubbornness. It's obvious Tuccillo got to write this because of the success of "Not Into You." The start of the novel reads like a first draft before the editors get to it. Like she was just writing to get the story idea out of her head and then she'd go back and punch up the prose, but never got around to it. It's a lazy effort. Sophomoric sentences. Non-compelling, cookie-cutter characters. In short: NO.

I think Tuccillo may be felled by what snags lots of other authors: Singlehood is hard to get your arms around. There are so many angles to take and most of them fail. But I've got to hand it to the author -- the main character travels to find out how women around the world are dealing with being single. That means Tuccillo had to travel around the world for "research." I wonder if I could use that trick on my bosses?

Wanted: Thriving singles group at church

A reader shares her dilemma:

I live near Ballantyne and am looking for a church close by with lots of singles. It seems to be a big problem around here. Carmel Baptist has lost many members; I went there for a long time. Calvary Church doesn't have a strong singles group, Church At Charlotte is in the process of building one, and the singles group at Forest Hill Church dissipated.

Can you ask the community for suggestions? Many singles feel without a home.

What say you, Relaters? Do you have any church suggestions for her?

Singles: Some places to meet in the heat

I was flipping through latest issue of Eye, the Observer's free publication available in the uptown area, when I came upon this article about MatchMaker Tennis. The club pairs up people who have the same skill level, and if you've always wanted to learn how to play tennis, they also offer free beginner lessons. The weather has been so wonderful lately, and this would be a fun way to meet new people and practice your serve at the same time.

And in case you missed it, CLT (the Observer's guide to stuff to do on the weekends) had an article about rooftop patios for the partiers. I've been to a couple of them: The Forum (chatty, attractive people with a nice racial diversity, but it skews a bit young) and the Gin Mill (laid-back; weeknights are better). The list makes me want to try them all!

Got any fave places you want to share?

Can't the sex wait?

A reader (I'll call him Single Black Male -- SBM) writes:

"Black male: 41, straight, never married, no kids, gainfully employed, homeowner, disease-free, social drinker, non-smoker, physically fit. What about the male perspective of being single and wanting to be in a relationship, but meeting a lot of princesses who turn out to be frogs?

"I meet very successful women through my business, church, socially, etc. As a man who has standards and values, you would think that being up-front about this would be welcomed. However, it has been my experience that many women are so conditioned to receiving or meeting men who are only interested in one thing, if you will, that when they meet a man who is interested in more, you are looked upon as strange or with a 'what's wrong with you?' attitude. Many of the women I meet do not value themselves and are in a rush to jump into bed. If you tell a women that we should wait, you get the gay label.

"Not that I have a walls up, but I am guarded about who I allow into my life. Is it too much to ask that we get to know each other first before we enter into a physical relationship?"

Listen, SBM, one of my closest friends told me he went to a club with some pals. He asked a woman to dance, and when they got out on the floor, she proceeded to "back that thang up." When he didn't respond by putting his hands on her and instead tried to put a respectful distance between them, she gave him one of those "what's wrong with you?" looks. That was the end of that.

I've heard stories like yours, and my friend's, so many times, from men and women. People try to rush the physical side of things for a myriad of reasons. Some might have a strong sex drive and genuinely just want to get laid. Some might equate sex with love. Some might tie their sexual attractiveness to their likability as a person. If you don't want to do them, a defense mechanism kicks in and to keep their self-esteem intact, something has to be wrong with you. In our mixed-signaled, sex-drenched culture, it's hard to not take this dating stuff too personally.

Most people do what they do because they think that's what it takes to get what they want ... if that makes sense. Some women think that to get a man they have to be sexually aggressive, or some men think they have to be "macho" to win a woman's initial respect. The trick is to find someone who's only willing to go as far as you're willing to go.

SBM, it sounds like you've been through a bad stretch of meeting women who aren't compatible. These low periods happen to us all, but trust me: there are plenty of women out there who want to know a man before they know him. Don't stop looking.

A smile for single ladies

I received this e-mail forward from a (married!) friend today. What I like about it is it flips the fairy tale of marriage to a "prince" providing women's happily-ever-after. Yes, it relies on stereotypes, but it still made me smile, OK? And a smile is worth passing on.

My friend's note: "Read this. Go have a cocktail. Then come back and read it again. Put feet up. Smile serenely."

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said: "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't have to worry about her weight, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self-esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End.