Gotta love friends

Hi, guys. Sorry I've been MIA; I was on vacation and determined to stay away from the computer. But now I'm back in the saddle. Hope you've had a great couple weeks!

Here's a text conversation between me and my friend Gabrielle, she of the sex party I told you about. A little background: I've had my eye on a certain bartender for awhile now, and I've been trying to decide if I want make a move. As you'll see, the fates haven't been in my favor.

Me: Went to bar; lusty bartender off. 3rd time this happened. i think its a sign i shuldnt mess wid him. (yes, I'm wordy, even in text messages -- I'm a writer; what do you expect?)

Gabrielle: U are being melodramatic.

Me: is there any other way to be?

Gabrielle: not really! :) all my friends live with exclamation points.

Friends -- they talk you down off the ledge when you're overreacting and love you for who you are.

If anything happens with the hot bartender, I'll let you know.

Google helps avoid drunk e-mailing

Haven't we all sent messages we later regretted? Google has launched a new feature to combat a particularly disastrous form of e-mailing: late-night drunk typing.

I found out about this on the blog at Good Vibrations (it's great site that sells sex toys and adult videos, but there's also lots of good information about sexual health and other issues). The idea is that when you’ve been partying, you’re less likely to be both willing and able to do simple math problems. So if you enable Mail Goggles (its like beer goggles, but in reverse), Gmail will make you solve some math before you can send your e-mail. Here's what it looks like:

By default, it’s active on weekend late nights since that’s when most people may need it. But if you like to get your drink on in the afternoon, you can set it for any time of day.

Are they lying? Listen to body language

People lie. The lies may be small and harmless, or they may be big and serious. But even the little ones can be destructive in a relationship if they're frequent. So how do you know if you're being hoodwinked? Well, what does your gut tell you? Pay attention to it. Also, body language can be a dead giveaway. According to The Nest, here's six of the most common physical indications of deception. (Not included: wide "who, me?" eyes, which is an oldie but a goodie.) While one or two are likely meaningless, if you see enough of them repeatedly, you should probably be concerned.

1. Covering the mouth while talking. It's as if they're subconsciously repressing the untruths they're spouting. It may be as blatant as completely concealing the mouth or as subtle as a single finger placed in front of the lips.

2. Touching the nose. Scientists have found that lying can cause the tissue in the nose to swell, meaning that a quick stroke could be a sign of deceit (or that it's allergy season).

3. Rubbing an eye. When lying to someone, the instinct is to look away in shame. Since that's a dead giveaway, many people content themselves with a fast wipe of the peepers.

4. Touching an ear. Just as you're supposed to see no evil, you should hear no evil as well. These nervous gestures can range from a small rub of the back of the ear to an outright yank of the ear lobe.

5. Going for the neck. Research has found lying can cause a tingling in the tissues of the neck, leading to scratching or pulling the collar. It signals that the speaker is feeling uncertainty, so be concerned if you see it right after your woman announces, "Of course this Prada dress was on the sales rack at TJ Maxx."

6. Shaking the head no while saying yes. If he says, "Yep, I'm getting home late because I have a big assignment to finish" while nodding his head, he's working late. If he sends the mixed message of saying yes while shaking his head no, check the strip clubs.

Enjoy a corny love moment

There's a blog -- 1millionlovemessages.com -- where you can go and declare your love for all to see. You can write a love note, post a photo, record a song or recite your favorite sonnet, then post it on the blog. Link your post through one of the networking options and your message will go even further.

The blog was created by a 30-year-old guy in Portugal who hopes to reach 1 million posts. When I looked, it hovered around 900, so he has a ways to go. The posts are from all over; I read notes from the Ukraine, Malawi (where Madonna adopted her youngest kid), Spain, Indonesia, the Philippines, Saudi Arabia, France, the U.K., New Jersey, California and more. Many were from young lovers; I saw a creepy message that included the book cover for "I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love." I have one word for the recipient of that missive: RUN!

To me, the most touching notes were from children to their mothers and from moms to their kids. One poster offered a message to "Everyone": "Tell people you love them today. You never know when you may see them again. (And don't forget about animals, too!)"

Got a minute? Why not go tell someone you love them?

You won't get lucky with these lines

Ran across a delightful short by Salon.com's Kate Harding with some serious dating don'ts: things guaranteed to not get you laid. You'll have to admit, her list is pretty good:

1. Don't tell me on a first date about the time you were tested for chlamydia (because you found out your high school girlfriend was "a bit of a skank") and go on to describe in loving detail the sensation of a medical-grade Q-tip being inserted into your penis.

2. When informed that I have an autistic nephew, don't respond with, "Well, at least when he gets older, you can take him to Vegas, right?"

3. Do not bring red roses to a woman on the first date. This is not an adorably romantic gesture. This is creepy as all hell.

4. Do not tell me that despite your being in your early 30s, most of your friends are in their early 20s, because "they just get you better."

5. Do not attempt to impress me by speaking Spanish to a waitress, if you don't actually speak Spanish.

6. Do not call out, as you watch my ass while I walk to the washroom, "You know, you're not really that fat. You're, like, thick at best."

7. When I say, "Hey, you know, my friends will make sure I get home OK, so you can feel free to go," do not interpret this as an invitation to stay.

Can you top Kate's list?