Movies to break up to

A friend sent me this list of 20 Essential Break Up movies, as chosen and described by eHarmony. I'm amused that a dating site would do such a thing (to help people recover quickly and move on to their next eHarmony-provided relationship?), but I like that the list is a mix of old and new, U.S. and foreign flicks.

1. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind": This offbeat romantic comedy stars Jim Carrey as Joel, who opts for a procedure in which memories of his girlfriend, Clementine (Kate Winslet), are erased after he learns she's already had the surgery done. But as his doctor begins to wipe out traces of Clementine, Joel decides he doesn't want to lose what's left of their relationship, so he squirrels away the memories somewhere else in his brain.

2. "Kramer vs. Kramer": Ted (Dustin Hoffman) is a career-driven yuppie -- until he finds out his wife (Meryl Streep) is leaving him and their 6-year-old son. Ted soon finds that he loves being a full-time parent, but then his wife reappears to reclaim the boy. Poignant and beautifully acted.

3. "Annie Hall": Listen closely and you can actually hear the stress hormones pumping through the bodies of the characters in Annie Hall. Woody Allen's real, funny ode to love among twitchy city dwellers includes cameos from not-yet-stars Jeff Goldblum, Shelley Duvall and Sigourney Weaver.

4. "Chungking Express": Hong Kong director Kar Wai Wong established a unique style with this cerebral film that tells two somewhat similar but unrelated stories about loneliness and disconnection in the big city. In the first story, a policeman pines after his former girlfriend and gives himself 30 days to find another woman; in the second story, another policeman catches the eye of an attractive waitress, who's intent on completely rearranging his life.

5. High Fidelity: Vintage record store owner Rob Gordon (John Cusack) has been dumped by his girlfriend, Laura (Iben Hjejle), because he hasn't changed since they met. In an attempt to figure out where things went wrong, Rob revisits his top five breakups of all time. As he seeks out his former lovers to find out why they dumped him, he continues his efforts to win Laura back. Based on the Nick Hornby novel, the film is a clever, funny tribute to the music scene.

6. "The War of the Roses": This battle of the married sexes played out under director Danny DeVito's jaundiced eye is what The Washington Post termed, "A yuppie Armageddon, an explosion of empty values and curdled peevishness." Oliver Rose (Michael Douglas) is losing control over his wife, Barbara (Kathleen Turner), after 17 years of marriage. The irreconcilable difference is their house. Neither wants to move out, so that means all-out war!

7. "White": Julie Delpy stars in Krzysztof Kieslowski's dark comedy (the middle segment in his "three colors" trilogy) about the price of passion. Polish immigrant Karol Karol (Zbigniew Zamachowski) is humiliated in a public courtroom by his wife (Delpy) during their divorce proceedings. Shamed and brokenhearted, he finds an ally in a fellow countryman. The two concoct a way back to post-Communist Poland, where Karol sets about rebuilding his life.

8. "Broken Flowers": After being dumped by yet another girlfriend (Julie Delpy), Don Johnston (Bill Murray) vows he'll be alone forever. But when a mysterious unsigned letter arrives in the mail, he's surprised to learn he has a 19-year-old son. With no idea who the mother could be, Don sets out on a cross-country journey to confront his past, surprising a series of old flames (Frances Conroy, Jessica Lange, Sharon Stone and Tilda Swinton) along the way.

9. "Swingers": In director Doug Liman's career-making look at twentysomething guys, struggling comedian Mike (Jon Favreau) despairs over his love life, so his four pals, fellow Hollywood hopefuls, pump up his nightlife. Buddy (Vince Vaughn), offering dubious lessons on "babes," even whisks Mike to Vegas. Although their attempts at living la vida loca seldom work out as fantasized, Mike meets one woman (Heather Graham) who might finally break his funk.

10. "The Squid and the Whale": Jeff Daniels makes for a haunting Brooklyn professor who's well past his prime, and Laura Linney is his writer wife on the brink of stardom in Noah Baumbach's honest look at the disintegration of a marriage. With their lives headed for distinctly opposite directions, the two can't help but be acrimonious about their impending separation. Unfortunately, their two children are stuck in the middle of the emotional warfare.

11. Forgetting Sarah Marshall: A hilarious comedy produced by Judd Apatow ("Knocked Up," "Superbad"). After his TV star girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), breaks his heart, Peter (Jason Segel) wants nothing more than to enjoy his vacation in Hawaii. One problem: Sarah's vacationing at the same resort he is, and even worse, she's bringing her new beau.

12. Better Off Dead: After his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) ditches him for a boorish ski jock, Lane (John Cusack) decides that suicide is the only answer. However, his increasingly inept attempts only bring him more agony and embarrassment. Filled with the wildest teen nightmares, a family you can't help but identify with and a host of wonderful comic characters.

13. "An Unmarried Woman": Director Paul Mazursky's poignant portrayal of a woman dealing with the dissolution of her marriage was a groundbreaking film at the time of its release. When her seemingly perfect husband (Michael Murphy) leaves her for another woman, devastated wife Erica (Jill Clayburgh) must find untapped strength within herself to build a new life.

14. Dodsworth: To escape an empty nest, an automobile tycoon (Walter Huston) and his fortysomething wife (Ruth Chatterton) plan a luxurious vacation in Europe. But as Mrs. Dodsworth embarks on a series of indiscretions -- including a romance with a gigolo -- it becomes apparent that the couple's plans for their golden years don't mesh. From director William Wyler, the film is based on the best-selling novel by Sinclair Lewis and an acclaimed stage play.

15. "Diary of a Mad Black Woman": Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise) is happy and completely satisfied with her life: She has a doting husband, Charles (Steve Harris), an impressive home in their native Atlanta complete with a swimming pool and tennis courts, and anything else money can buy. But the night before her 18th anniversary, Charles kicks her out of their home and replaces her with his mistress, calling into question what Helen had long considered a solid marriage.

16. "Breaking Up": Based on a two-person play by Michael Christofer (who also wrote the screenplay), Breaking Up is a series of charming vignettes that reveals the on-again, off-again relationship between modern lovers Steve (Russell Crowe) and Monica (Salma Hayek). Their emotional bond is so intense that it borders on the manic-depressive, and they constantly fluctuate between romantic euphoria and ennui … like many of the rest of us!

17. "Divorce American Style": Television sitcom director Norman Lear helms this dark comedy about the paralyzing process of divorce. Ex-couple Dick Van Dyke and Debbie Reynolds come to realize that after the trials and tribulations of dating, debilitating alimony payouts and commiserations with fellow divorcees, married life wasn't so bad after all.

18. My Super Ex-Girlfriend: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a bitter superwoman scorned! In this slapstick comedy from Ivan Reitman, New Yorker Matt Saunders (Luke Wilson) is fed up with his manipulative girlfriend, Jenny Johnson (Uma Thurman), and gives her the heave-ho. He moves on with his life, leaving the heartbroken Jenny -- aka G-girl -- to do everything within her superpowers to humiliate Matt.

19. "The Belly of an Architect": Jealousy rears its ugly head in this searing drama about a workaholic architect, Stourley Kracklite (Brian Dennehy), who's traveling to Rome for a job. On this trip, however, he's brought his wife (Chloe Webb), who's grown distant and whom he begins to suspect is in love with another man. But that's not all: Kracklite also thinks his wife is plotting to kill him so she can live happily ever after, but he won't let her get away with it.

20. "The Break-Up" (pictured above): Once blissfully in love, Gary (Vince Vaughn) and Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) find themselves up in arms over custody of their upscale Chicago condo when petty spats about lemons and dirty dishes end their romance. An escalating battle of the exes ensues as Gary and Brooke continue to live under the same roof … while cooking up schemes to drive each other off the premises.

My list would have to include "Closer" (Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Clive Owen and Natalie Portman in a twisted mess of deceit, infidelity and egocentricity) and "Waiting to Exhale" (the healing power of friendship as four black women -- Angela Basset, Whitney Houston, Loretta Devine and Lela Rochon -- deal with romantic quandries). What about yours?

The one you don't forget

Some breakups, you just never get over. No matter how bad the relationship. And maybe because the relationship was so bad.

Take my friend, Melissa. She dated this guy for close to two years. She was sure he was the man of her dreams. Little bit of a bad boy. Had traveled a bit, and he seemed to know a lot about the world and could carry on a conversation about anything. Attractive.

(She overlooked some major red flags -- still lived with his parents? -- so she caused herself some unnecessary heartache, she concedes.)

The first time he broke up with her, she was blindsided. During a date, he stopped her on a sidewalk in a busy neighborhood, suggested they sit down on a bench, and listed everything he felt the relationship was lacking: She tended toward the quiet, when he was a little more outspoken (took him a year to figure this out?); they seemed to be a different stages in their lives (a fair concern); and the sex was so-so (you only get what you're brave enough to ask for, my man). Then he let her loose. He said he was sorry. Melissa dissolved into tears, he took her home, and she tried to forget about him.

Then, about a month later, he apologized. He said he wanted her back. She agreed.

It was about three weeks of happy-happy joy-joy, Melissa once again got lost in the relationship, and she was blindsided yet again.

He broke up with her -- in a park, this time. She says she was a little less weepy that time around, a lot more angry, and a lot quicker to move on.

But she was always haunted by what she should have said, how she could have expressed her anger a little more clearly. Maybe a little more loudly.

She ran into him about a year later. He apologized again for how he had treated her. He blamed it on depression, and said he was taking medication to address it. Then he asked her back to his place. She says she smiled at the silliness of it all, but she declined.

Still, the regrets of that relationship follow her -- like those nightmares you have about missing a final exam long after you've received your diploma -- despite many years and several solid, healthy relationships under her belt.

She says she'll probably never get over those regrets. Given that she's held onto the regrets of the relationship for so long, would she ever take him back, should they again cross paths? No, she insists. She'd rather just live with the old regrets, instead of creating new ones.

But how would she react? She's says she can't know until she's in the situation. But she guesses she might have a few words of advice for him. That her tone might be a lot harsher, the volume a little louder than the last time.

Maybe she even has those words ready to go now. Don't you?

Best (or worst) breakup excuses

It’s time for some Thursday levity.

What’s the best (or worst in most cases) breakup excuse you’ve received?

There’s always the: “It’s not you, it’s me” speech, or the “I love you so much I just think it’s best we’re not together” sad song. And let’s not leave out a classic: “We’re better off as friends.”

Hopefully, after you get over your infuriation or possible disappointment, you can sit back and laugh at the absurdity of some of the excuses you’ve heard before.

A friend of mine had to do just that recently -- “laugh or I’ll go insane” is how he put it. He said a girl recently broke up with him because she had too many distractions going on in her life. Her excuse for wanting to end the courtship: “I just want to lay low.”

Oh dear! What does “laying low” truly mean, and do folks honestly think that's gonna fly as a reason to end a relationship?

And for the sake of full disclosure, the worst excuse I heard was from a guy I dated for a month or so in college. He told me: “I’m way too poor for you, so I just don’t think this is going to work out.” Too poor. Yeah buddy. Next!

So, let’s have it: Give us your lamest breakup excuse!

Warning signs a breakup is near

So you and your significant other can't stop fighting. The arguments started out over big things, issues that any couple should discuss, but now your fights focus on where you're going to dinner and why you didn't call when you got home two hours later than expected.

They all seem to be silly, petty arguments that make you wonder if your partner is trying to tell you something.

According to an article published Thursday on yahoo.com, author Elina Furman gives her top five signs you're about to get dumped. I think she hit the nail on the head with the "forgetting to call" sign.

What would be your top five signs?

OK to break up via e-mail?

Alisha: I was listening to morning talk radio a few weeks ago, and the station had a female caller who said she received a "break-up text message" from her boyfriend. The radio hosts couldn't believe the boyfriend was so insensitive.
Deirdre: I'm totally with them on that one. Important relationship info delivered via e-mail or text is one of my triggers. It makes me furious.
Alisha: Why does this upset you? Ever happened to you before? ... Oh, and I disagree to an extent. Breaking up via IM/text or e-mail is suitable in certain situations.
Deirdre: No, it's never happened to me, but I believe e-mail is often used as a crutch, or as an easy way to get out of dealing with a difficult situation. It's a route often taken by cowards, in other words. But let's discuss those situations you mentioned.
Alisha: If you've only been out on a couple of dates, and the relationship never progressed past a movie and dinner, then there's no harm in sending an e-mail to say, "Hey, there just isn't any attraction."
Deirdre: I disagree. In a situation like that there should be a phone call. You communicated before the dates and you saw each other on those dates, so an actual phone discussion is not too much to ask for. It's common courtesy.
Alisha: You're too old-fashioned. It all depends on the status of the relationship. I would never suggest using text messaging or e-mail as a medium of communication for a committed relationship. But, geez, if you don't even know the fella's last name, then sending him a text message to say "Adios amigo," is not that big a deal.
Deirdre: I'm OK with being old-fashioned in this case, because I'm all about treating each other with respect. Now, if all you did was e-mail and IM and you met once and didn't click, sure, a text would be fine. But if you normally talk and see each other and then you send a "Dear John/Jane" e-mail to say "I'm just not that into you," it's insulting.
Alisha: What if it's warranted? What if the partner cheated; so then is it OK to e-mail?
Deirdre: HA! Are you kidding? That calls for a confrontation of "Dynasty"-like proportions! If you're gonna send an e-mail, I suggest it be along the lines of, "I know what you did, so don't bother coming home -- the locks have been changed. And here's my lawyer's number."
Alisha: Sometimes I think an e-mail, an IM or a text message can take some of the pressure off. Again, this is all situational. Ending a marriage by text message? Whoever does that should have to answer to his or her maker.
Deirdre: Speaking of situational: I actually ended a close friendship via e-mail. We were so emotional, we couldn't talk without yelling or crying. We're both writers, so we were able to say what we needed to in e-mails. But we weren't sleeping together and didn't have kids, OK? A friendship is way different from a relationship. Write the e-mails if you need to say your piece. But when it's time to end it, look each other in the eye.
Alisha: In the past, when my husband and I bitterly disagreed on something, we wrote each other because like you, we're both prone to communicate our feelings through prose. But I still stick by the fact it's A-OK to text message a break-up - for the most part!
Deirdre: And I say if you're an adult, act like one. See them. Call.

All right, readers, what do you think?

YouTube breakup: Not cool

Alisha: So, Deirdre ... I'm curious to know your thoughts on the infamous YouTube break-up, since it now seems our society has progressed (or digressed?) into breaking up with your partner in front of a crowd, and then airing it on the world wide web.
Deirdre: First, let me just say that if that had been MY man, I woulda stomped him into a grease spot and happily gone to jail for it. If what he did was for real (and there's some question about that), it was simply unconscionable.
Deirdre: Second, I blame Jerry Springer for this.
Alisha: From watching several online videos of "the breakup", I didn't see a fight break out, a shaved-head bodyguard or a 400-pound man in women's panties. So, why is Jerry Springer to blame?
Deirdre: People want their 15 minutes of fame and Jerry was really the first to provide a platform for relationship exhibitionists. All they have to do is humiliate themselves and the one they claim to "love." And now, thanks to the Internet and YouTube, people can take that yearning one huge step further, without having to fly to Chicago for his show.
Alisha: Eh ... With all of these new media outlets now accessible to any average joe who has a USB port -- audio, MP3s, camera phones, etc. -- I just don't think Mr. Ex-Mayor of Cincinnati should take the fault for this one. Seems to me the UNC student showed off his stupidity and his lack of respect. My thing, the girl, Mindy Moorman, seemed to handle her business. She didn't go off running and screaming. I applaud her.
Deirdre: Me too! She held her own, considering she was supposedly caught off-guard. But what really bugs me is the immaturity of it all. The guy goes off half-cocked because of what a friend told him, and didn't even bother to discuss the situation (she allegedly cheated on him) with the chick. The whole thing coulda been a lie.
Deirdre: But even if it wasn't a lie, you don't do such a thing in public. I'm a decade older than you, and 10 years ago, the dude would have confronted her in private, or just stopped calling her. There would have been none of this public humiliation business. Really, what does it say about HIM that he felt the need to do this?
Alisha: You mean none of this public humiliation business spread over the entire world. I'm sure the hippies and the beatniks and my grandparents' generation had alternate ways to humiliate. ... But you're right - that relationship screamed for some communication. At least now the girl knows what kind of a jerk she was hooking up with. Everything happens for a reason.
Deirdre: Yeah. If it was a true breakup, she's probably thinking she dodged a bullet. And if it wasn't, shame on them for trying to trick the YouTube universe. Don't they have, like, classes to flunk? Get back to studying!
Alisha: I'm thinking we're going to see a wave of copycats pop up. I will pray for all you single people, and hope I don't see you on the next Internet breakup video. Maybe the biggest dealbreaker of 2007 will be: "If the guy or girl has a YouTube account."