Should we keep exes in our lives?

Alisha: I have a girlfriend who makes a point to stay in touch, even though she's married, with her ex-boyfriends. She thinks it's important to be friends still.
Deirdre: WHY?!
Alisha: Because they shared portions of her life and they meant something special to her. ... I can see her points. I'd like to stay in touch with one of my exes but he prefers not to have anything to do with me because it's "too hard" for him.
Deirdre: Girl, there are men in my past that I wish would just fall off the planet. But I have to say, while I wish most of my exes the best in life, I really don't want to have a relationship with them.
Alisha: You can never have too many friends in this world. And there are so many varying levels of friends, that there's got to be a place for exes in there.
Deirdre: Tell me this: Does your friend's husband have a problem with his wife still calling and e-mailing old boyfriends? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, she could be mistaken for keeping backups in case the man she has doesn't work out.
Alisha: As far as I know ... the husband knows and has met all the exes, and he's totally cool with it. They're secure in their relationship. It's all about not letting go of the person as a friend, and leaving the person as a lover in the past.
Deirdre: I can't say I agree with your friend's decision. While I admire her ability to end her intimate relationships on sanguine enough terms to still be friends, I question the need to keep all those men in her life. And I wonder what effect the presence of her emotional past will have on her marriage.
Alisha: I think it just comes down to some people can delineate friendships from sexual relationships of old. If her and her husband is OK with it, then, what's the bid deal?
Deirdre: It's not the sex that worries me. It's the emotional connections.
Alisha: Why? With every person we befriend, we're going to establish some type of connection, even on the platonic level. Why can't two people understand and accept the way things are?
Deirdre: Lish, it's always fun to talk to you, because at some point I usually wind up saying this: You're being logical. When it comes to matters of the heart, logic often takes a back seat. I think most of us know the right thing to do, the logical thing to do. But you can't control how you feel.
Alisha: That's my point, though. If person A is married and she wants to be friends -- and friends only -- with her exes, then, what's the issue? She's controlling how she feels by saying, they're just friends.
Deirdre: I can understand wanting to remain on good terms with an ex. But once it's over, I think it might be best to leave the past in the past. Am I saying ignore that person if you pass them on the street? No. But making a point to keep in touch with someone because you once had a romantic thing with them is not the answer. Your friend wants to keep these men in her life because they meant something special to her. MEANT. It's like there's a part of her that will always be looking backwards, not ahead.
Alisha: What's that saying, "Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it." ... Totally dropping your exes just because they're labeled as an ex is disrespectful to him or her as a person. Now, if things ended on bad terms - for either person - that's a different story.
Deirdre: You make some excellent points. But I say you can learn from your past without keeping it in your present. And you and your partner can agree you don't belong together and amicably go your separate ways. Do I think exes can remain friends? Sure. I guess the point I want to make is, question motives. Why do you really want to keep this person in your life? And why do they want to stay? A little introspection can save a lot of wounded feelings.
Alisha: The key is to be honest with yourself, your significant other and your exes. If you are, and you communicate those feelings then there's nothing wrong with keeping exes as friends.

Premarital counseling: Waste of time or real-life benefit?

I have three good friends who are tying the knot this year, and they all seem to have the same concerns and stresses I had when I was about to get married: How will we pay for this? Should there be disposable cameras at the reception? Will our parents go for an open bar – on their tab? The list goes on and on, especially if you’re the bride!

One topic of discussion is premarital counseling.

Most premarital education is mandated when two individuals are to be married by a religious adviser. Each denomination has varying requirements; some want couples to take a year-long course with lots of homework (yes … homework!), and others prefer at least two meetings to discuss the ceremony and to make sure the couple is on the same page.

My husband and I had to go through the latter. We spent one afternoon meeting with our reverend and that fulfilled all of our counseling duties. During those couple of hours she quizzed us about several important topics, such as our perspective on our financial priorities, our feelings on starting a family and our overall goals for the relationship. I felt our session was productive in that we had an objective person going over some heavy questions that needed to be confirmed out loud.

Do I think my relationship was forever altered – in a positive or negative way – by our premarital counseling? No; my husband and I had already discussed most of what was asked of us. But would I recommend a couple go through such scrutiny before saying “I do?” Yes; it couldn’t hurt in case you hadn’t previously discussed some of the hypothetical situations.

Readers, I'd love to hear more about your experiences. How was your premarital counseling set up? Has it paid off for you? Would you encourage engaged couples to go through it?

And you think we've got problems!

I was listening to a BBC News roundup the other night while driving home, and particular story snagged my attention.

In Tokyo, there's a group called the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association that's dedicated to changing members' bad marital habits in order to save their marriages. Their Three Principles of Love, which members chant over and over: Saying "sorry" without fear, saying "thank you" without hesitation and saying "I love you" without shame.

Whoa.

Sure, a lot of this might be driven by the change in Japan's pension rules, which allow women to claim up to half of their husband's pension if they divorce. Said divorce adviser Hiromi Ikeuchi: "In Japan, 75 percent of all divorces are initiated by women. They're waiting because if they plan to get divorced anyway they want to wait so they get part of the pension. They've been waiting for three or four years, ever since the government announced it was changing the law."

So come April, when the change takes effect, there'll be a lot of Japanese husbands in for a nasty surprise. But I've gotta believe that many men, like the members of the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association, are waking up to the fact that the way they treat their wives is not right -- and just because they behave in the way their fathers did, and their grandfathers did, and so on, doesn't make their behavior acceptable now.

Shuichi Amano, who founded the association in 1999 (after his wife threatened to divorce him) says men don't know how to communicate well because they don't have experience initiating relationships and communicating with others, and have only been trained to achieve in the workplace and to be loyal to the company. So, yeah, Japanese men have decades of learned behavior to overcome, and the fact that some of them are making sincere attempts to alter their behavior now is admirable.

The National Chauvinistic Husband's Association ranks each member according to the level of sensitivity in marital relations he has achieved, and I find these levels to be quite telling. Keep in mind that only one of the hundreds of members has made it to Level 10.

Level 1: Is still in love with his wife after three years of marriage.
Level 2: Does a good job helping with housework.
Level 3: Has never cheated on his wife -- or his wife has never caught him cheating.
Level 4: Can practice a "ladies first" policy.
Level 5: Can take a walk with his wife while holding hands.
Level 6: Can listen to his wife seriously.
Level 7: Can solve problems between his wife and his mother in one night.
Level 8: Can say "thank you" without hesitation.
Level 9: Can say "sorry" without fear.
Level 10: Can say "I love you" without embarrassment.

Kinda makes you want to call your partner right now and shout "I LOVE YOU!!!" for all to hear, doesn't it?

You have a crush - and it's not your partner!

A co-worker recently presented us with this dilemma:

"A friend of mine is in a committed relationship, but is attracted to this other chick who's also in a committed relationship. All four know each other, and it's obvious when my friend is around them that he's nervous. What would you do? Try to hide it? 'Fess up?

"I told him to tell the other couple that he has a crush on the girl, but it's nothing more than that. But, don't tell his own partner because his girlfriend is jealous and wouldn't want them to hang out anymore."

Alisha: Quite the dilemma, and I bet it's one that comes up more often than we think - especially for those of us who tend to gravitate toward groups of people when we go out.
Deirdre: I agree. Whether you're in a committed relationship or not, you can't help who you're attracted to. It's whether you act on that attraction that makes the difference.
Alisha: Which means drinking around said attraction is a bad idea! That's when you might lose control of your actions. So the question is, try to hide it or should one fess up to his desires? What would you do?
Deirdre: I would ride it out. The thing about crushes is, they're transitory. They're often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.
Alisha: I'm with you on this but for a different reason. If you're in a committed relationship, then you're just that - committed to each other. You shouldn't be macking on someone else. To notice one's beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.
Deirdre: Would you hide your attraction to someone else from your husband, or confess it?
Alisha: Confess it. Plus, there's a difference between admiring one's beauty and having a crush on someone. As a married person who is totally in love with my spouse, I'm not going to develop a crush. I am, however, open to fully admitting who I think is hot.
Deirdre: And your husband is OK with that? Does he do the same?
Alisha: Oh yeah! It's in our nature to notice if someone is attractive. Anyone who doesn't notice or stare at a gorgeous person is lying about it or totally kidding themselves.
Deirdre: Did you notice our co-worker suggested telling the other couple about the attraction, but not to tell the guy's own jealous girlfriend? What a way to imperil the friendship. And that chick is gonna want to cut somebody when she finds out -- and you KNOW she'll find out. If this is going to be discussed, it should be with one's partner, not the partner's friends.
Alisha: Your partner should be the first to know, no doubt about it.
Deirdre: However, I contend that if you know A) you have a harmless crush, no more, and B) such information will hurt your partner, why tell them?
Alisha: If it's truly harmless, what's the harm in telling?
Deirdre: Girl, you're being rational. Jealousy is an irrational emotion.
Deirdre: But I have to add that if your crush doesn't eventually go away, or you find yourself developing deeper feelings for that person, it's a warning sign that there may be a problem in your relationship. And that DOES need to be discussed.
Alisha: That's the point. There should be communication going on from the start. Your partner shouldn't be finding out you've developed crushes on people after months of drooling.

How honest should you be on a first date?

A dear family friend posed a question to me a few weeks back. Let’s set the scene so you can understand her inquiry:

A 58-year-old divorced woman is on the dating scene. She’s a gorgeous mother of two children, owns her own business and has quite the nest egg in the bank. An old friend of a friend hooks her up with a southern widower, age 61. They meet at a fine restaurant and share several glasses of white wine.

As most first dates go, the conversation is a volley of getting-to-know-you questions. She asks this former Baptist preacher what happened to his beloved wife of 30 years. He explains how she had cancer and he, with great love and little regret, took care of her for eight years before she died. Almost a decade he spent by her side, feeding and bathing this terminally ill woman, the apple of his eye.

The question and answer session then turns toward the woman. After hearing her date’s story, she is at a loss for words.

You see – this woman has cancer.

She isn’t sure of what to say or if she should be honest with him about her health. What man in his right mind would want to date a woman who could possibly end up just like his wife, she thinks.

That night, she elected to gloss over the fact she has cancer. She didn’t want to overwhelm him, and she hoped he would pursue a follow-up date. But, she is currently pondering with a heavy heart her blatant omission.

She didn’t want to scare him away. Can you blame her, though? Most folks would probably run – and why not? This is the first date and it’s the best time to do it, certainly not after 10 dates when you’ve already met the family and feelings are now deeply burned into everything you do.

So, to her question of how honest one should be on the first date – easy answer. No lies, no omissions and no twisting of truth. If someone doesn’t accept you for you, then you’re better off without that person.

I'm a sucker for schmaltz

There's a certain aspect of my personality that I'm reveling in right now, thanks to a singer named Omarion. It's the part of me that loves schmaltzy pop ballads.

Have you heard Omarion's song, "Ice Box"? It's a doozy. Basically, Omarion is in this relationship that he really wants to salvage, right? But he was hurt -- hurt bad -- by the last woman he gave his heart to. So now he's having problems with the current chick -- even though she gets along great with his mom, his dad, his friends (hey, I'm just paraphrasing lyrics here) -- because he's scared he'll get hurt again.

The kicker is the chorus:

I got this ice box where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this ice box where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

ICE BOX?! How old school is that? My great-grandma used to refer to the refrigerator as the ice box. And he's so cold, so cold, so cold, so ...

We GET it, dude.

The song is stupid. But it's also irresistibly catchy. And while the lyrics are corny, the underlying emotion -- fear of giving your heart to someone, only to have it stomped on and kicked back to you -- is universal. Plus, you've got a guy like Omarion, who's not hard on the eyes, begging his way through it. Catchy, universal and some pretty whining: Isn't that why a song like "Ice Box" does so well?

I'm not saying I'll put the song on my iPod, but I will crank it up every time it comes on the radio. And I'm sure I'm not alone. A little schmaltz can brighten one's day.

Some beliefs die hard -- REAL hard

At work this week I saw a familiar face as I walked into one of the break rooms for a Coke. I've seen him several times around the Observer building; an easy-going fellow who always has a hello. He was reading as I entered, but briefly glanced up to exchange pleasantries.

As I pulled my Coke from the machine he asked, "Did you get permission?"

I turned to find him watching me, wide-eyed, whatever he was reading momentarily forgotten. I froze, confused, and looked down at the soda in my hand.

"Permission for what?" I asked with a frown. To buy a Coke? Was this dude joking?

"To cut your hair," he replied, as if it were obvious.

I recently had my hair cut into a modified flapper 'do, and when slicked back -- as it was that day -- it looks very short, indeed. But I was even more confused. Was he talking about some Observer dress code I didn't know about?

"Why would I need permission?" I asked slowly, still rooted in place.

"Aren't you married?" now he was the puzzled one.

What the ...?! I thought as the meaning sank in. No he didn't!

I raised my left hand and wiggled the fingers. "Nope. Not married."

"Oh," he said, relaxing back. "I thought you were married."

Whoa, I thought as I exited the break room, popping open my Coke. I need my husband's PERMISSION before I cut my hair? Men still think like that?

I don't know if the women-are-supposed-to-have-longer-hair thing is strictly Southern, but it's certainly generational. As I sat down at my desk I remembered that every now and then, my mom's boyfriend wishes aloud that she would let her hair grow out of her hassle-free and totally cute pixie cut. She usually rolls her eyes, mutters something about how he wouldn't be the one stuck styling it every day, and keeps on keepin' on.

I second that emotion!

Totally unrelated, but I love it:

Earlier this week, Ukrainian Hryhory Nestor celebrated his 116th birthday. He is presumed to be the world's oldest living man.

Nestor puts his extraordinary longevity down to a diet of milk, cheese and potatoes ... and to the fact that he never married. "I liked my freedom," he said. "I would spend my time with one girl and then another."

Player, player, play on!!

Bring on the bachelorettes

This weekend I’ll partake in a time-honored tradition: The bachelorette night.

I’m flying out in the morning and will return on Monday after a three-day bachelorette getaway. I’m super excited, not only to celebrate with the awesome bride-to-be, but also because I’m going to a big city – one I’ve never visited before, Boston – to paint the town. Me and 11 other women. Watch out!

The whole idea of bachelor nights and bachelorette weekends got me thinking about how men and women approach the concept.

Here’s what I think applies to the majority, especially after attending many bachelorette nights: Men see the bachelor night as a final sexual fling before the ring becomes a permanent fixture on his left hand. Women view bachelorette nights as a chance to bond with the girls and to be the center of attention for one big party.

Don’t get me wrong, bachelorette parties can have sexual connotations as well. But rarely have I witnessed or heard of a woman being unfaithful on the celebratory night (all I had was R-rated male strippers). I have heard from quite a few guy friends that men, more often than not, will break that oath of faithfulness (and yes, oral sex is sex) because well, they’re not married – yet.

I’m curious if my theories are common knowledge or if I’m just way off base, because you know - "What happens in Boston, stays in Boston."

My mom wants a son-in-law

During my last phone conversation with my mother, she informed me she's ready for me to be in a relationship.

"I want to meet somebody when I come visit," she calmly demanded. "I'm getting impatient."

She's a firecracker, my mother.

There was a time when I would've freaked out and immediately been in the bars and clubs and talking to dudes in grocery stores and stuff, 'cause pleasing my momma was that important to me. But when she said she was ready to be a mother-in-law, I just chuckled indulgently. As I think I've made pretty clear in this blog, while she might be ready, I'm certainly not. And when it comes to having a man in my life, I'm the one who matters, right?

I know I've put my poor mom through the wringer. I'm sure it's not easy to have such ... quirky offspring. And I know it must be hard when most of your friends have married-off kids (some of them even on their second marriages) and a passel of rowdy grandkids, while your only child, at the ripe old age of 12, announced that she was never going to have kids and now looks to be sashaying towards 40 without ever tying the knot. (And she broadcasts such information over the Internet, to boot!)

We've had mental tug-of-wars over me and men for years. While I was in college, my mother was not-so-pleasantly surprised to find out I was dating black guys ... and non-black guys. She was probably proud she had raised such an open-minded daughter, but maybe a little horrified as well. "I would prefer it if you married a black man," she said quietly, but that's all she said. Fast-forward to years later, after I broke up with my last boyfriend, who happened to be a blue-eyed blond. I went on an international tear that included a Moroccan, a French-Algerian, an Albanian, a Nigerian and a couple Mexicans. I went to visit my cousin in the Netherlands and swooned over the tall Dutch men.

By this time, my mom was over the black thing. "Can't you date Americans?" she asked, exasperated.

And now I get this: "I want to meet someone when I come visit." No race preference. And you notice she said someONE, as if she might even be OK if I was snuggled up to a chick when I opened my front door. (Don't worry mom; he'll be a he.)

While her demand may seem a tad petulant and selfish, I know where it's coming from. I'm not getting any younger, and neither is she. I know she worries about me, so far away. She wants me to have someone who loves me, takes care of me and keeps me safe when she can't. She doesn't want me to be lonely and alone.

But she's gonna have to be wait a while longer. What's that the Supremes sang? "You can't hurry love." Not even for impatient mothers.

Household cleaning -- yeah, it's our sore spot

Most journalists are fed public relations fodder on a daily basis, and since Deirdre and I write about relationships and sex, you can imagine the field day PR flacks had with us around Valentine’s Day.

We didn’t want to inundate you with rambling facts or useless percentages, but there is one survey we received in an e-mail that I keep thinking about, even though Cupid’s holiday is almost a month past.

PayPal commissioned a “Can’t Buy Me Love” survey of more than 3,000 people, and though the results focus mostly on how couples like to hide purchases from their spouse, one little factoid resonates with my relationship: “Money beats out sex and house-cleaning as the number one issue couples fight about – 37 percent of young couples report that they fight more about money than cleaning (34 percent) or frequency of sex (28 percent).”

Oddly enough, my husband and I don’t argue that much about money – when you don’t have a surplus of it, it’s hard to fight about it, at least that’s the way we see it. One issue that pops up with some frequency is house cleaning. I hate doing dishes. He hates doing laundry. So you would think we would have it made; we each do the chore that the other loathes, but it doesn’t always work out that way. There are some days when the dishes pile up or the laundry takes on a life of its own, and we both drop the ball.

Let’s set an all-too familiar scene in the Hord house:

Me: “Hey hun, will you please do the laundry today?”
Husband: “Don't worry, I'll get to it.”
Fast forward two days later.
Me: “Oh, love of my life, when are you going to do the laundry?”
Husband: “Tar Heels are playing right now, Alisha. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
A day passes – not one shirt has made it to the washer.
Me: “What’s it gonna take to get the laundry done?”
Husband: “Did you do the dishes yet? When you do the dishes, I’ll do the laundry.”

Aaaaaahhhh!!! This little scenario plays out more often than I ever thought it would. And don’t get me wrong, I’m just as guilty as my husband is at putting off household chores and then saying I’ll get to them later.

So when I read that 34 percent of respondents in the survey argue about cleaning, I was relieved. You should have heard the sigh I let out. I thought it was just us who consider daily chores to be a frequent source of, um, let’s just call it pleasant disagreement.

Please, tell me we’re not alone?

About those adorable boys

A reader remark on yesterday's blog really got to me, and I feel the need to reply. His comment:

"Quit over-thinking things. YOU PEOPLE ... the women-folk ... make everything too difficult and you are your own worst enemies. That guy might turn out to be the man of your dreams, but you're too busy thinking about things outside of the present to get to step one. Live in the moment!"

And to that I say: "Live in the moment?" Dude, what do you think I've been doing?!

I've spent the majority of my dating life living in the moment. And it's gotten me some great times, to be sure, but also plenty of short-lived ones. I've decided I want more than that, and to accomplish it, I've got to operate differently than I have in the past.

The most important step in finding a suitable mate is to KNOW YOURSELF. To know what's important to you, know what you're capable of in a relationship, and know what you will and will not put up with. In other words, that means having what a good friend of mine refers to as a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself. I've had plenty of those chats over the past couple of years, and here are the top two conclusions I've come to.

1. I want to be in a stable, honest, intelligent pairing filled with love, laughter and passion. Such a relationship is possible for me, but it's gonna take some work and patience to find.

2. The men I tend to be attracted to often have the "love, laughter and passion" stuff down, but fail miserably at the "stable, honest and intelligent" part. After years of failed attempts, I have accepted that this is not the type of man for me. However, because such men are my weakness, I have to be alert.

And yes, that means thinking before I act. I don't consider that making things difficult for myself; in fact, I see it as saving myself a lot of heartache down the road. I sense there are plenty of women out there who would read this and shake their heads in recognition and understanding. There comes a point where you have to stop letting your heart -- and your loins -- lead the way.

Now, if all this means I'm gonna miss out on a guy who I'll have a great time with in the short run, I'm OK with that. I'm looking for a man who's ready to have a great time for years to come.

Get thee away from me, adorable boy!

So right after I blab in a previous blog about how I don't have time to date, what happens? I meet a cute guy, of course.

Oh, don't get so excited. Nothing's gonna happen. The timing is amusing, that's all.

Remember what I keep saying about how you have to be open at all times if you want to attract dating possibilities? I didn't realize I was following my own advice!

I spent Monday morning at a car dealership, having my car, Pandora, worked on. The guy who took my information and checked Pandora in was adorable. I thought I was looking pretty rough -- old sweats, no lip gloss, and I brought my knitting, for chrissakes -- but he seemed to think otherwise. Lots of extended eye contact and over-explanation of processes. He pulled me aside later to fill me in on Pandora's progress and used the time for a little flirting. When my car was ready to go, he walked me out and we stood talking for awhile. Turns out we had something in common: We've both lived in California and would love to go back someday. He made a point of telling me, at least half a dozen times, that if I needed anything, anything at all, all I had to do was call the number at the top of my auto papers. We shook hands and there was a pregnant pause, like in the movies ... and we went our separate ways.

I know what you're thinking. "You fool! Why didn't you give him your number? Why didn't you get HIS number? Why didn't you give him that little nudge to let him know it was OK to ask you out?"

Well, I wanted to do all of the above, but something inside stopped me. As I drove off, I realized what it was.

I'm growing up, dammit.

You guys, that dude was way too young for me! Nowhere near 30. And can you imagine how many chicks he must hit on at work? He's just the type of man I can't stop being drawn to: good-looking, extroverted, a little goofy, a lot flirtatious. The guys who are great fun in the short-term, not so great for the long haul. How many men like that have I tried and failed? That's what I mean when I say I'm "growing up": Instead of throwing myself heart (or libido) first into something that obviously has no future, I'm actually taking time to consider my actions and have "back to reality" conversations with myself.

You want someone your age, Deirdre.

You want someone a bit more serious and a bit less flirtatious, Deirdre.

You want someone your HEIGHT, Deirdre. Why are the cute ones always so short?

Sigh. Reality sucks ... but it's right.

Too busy for ...

Deirdre: I've heard from a few people wondering if we're still writing this blog. At first I was like, "What? We just posted!" But then I took a look. It's been awhile, huh?
Alisha: We're still alive -- just barely. Work has been kickin' our tails. And, not sure about you, but it's also put a huge damper on the love life. I don't think there are enough hours in the week to fit in a super-busy job, extra time to sleep AND one-on-one time for a relationship.
Deirdre: I was all psyched to start going out more, but I just haven't had the energy. Also, I was thinking that we're so busy, it's a bad idea to try to start something new with a guy. I wouldn't have time for him! But you've already got a man at home. How's that going right now?
Alisha: Things are great relationship-wise. It's just you really start to wonder where the time goes when you're seeing your spouse for 30 minutes (or less) each day. I don't believe it's healthy for a married couple to spend every waking minute together (independence and separate friends are a glorious thing), but at the same time, it's difficult to get some quality time in when you're kissing each other good night and that's all you see of your spouse.
Deirdre: Have you two discussed it all? Is he upset that you're never at home?
Alisha: It's not just me who isn't at home. We're young professionals, trying to save money for the house, the kids and the white picket fence. The spark between us isn't gone - it's just that fine line of trying to balance everything .... What about you? You say you don't have energy for a man right now, but I know you would find ways to make time. If you (or we) care about someone enough, you just make the time somehow.
Deirdre: You are correct! And I have to be honest -- right now, I don't want to make the time. At first I was fussing at myself about it, but I don't want dating to become a chore. It's supposed to be fun, and if I tried to do it right now, it would be forced. Besides, I'd rather use the time I have to nurture my friendships. There are people in my life who haven't heard from me lately, and they're starting to ask for updates. So the dating will have to wait until I'm physically and emotionally open to it.
Alisha: It'll happen. Let's hope our busy schedules slow down soon -- we need more nookie!
Deirdre: Amen!

Readers, we know we aren't the only ones in this situation. What do you do to keep your relationships -- romantic or otherwise -- in good standing?

YouTube breakup: Not cool

Alisha: So, Deirdre ... I'm curious to know your thoughts on the infamous YouTube break-up, since it now seems our society has progressed (or digressed?) into breaking up with your partner in front of a crowd, and then airing it on the world wide web.
Deirdre: First, let me just say that if that had been MY man, I woulda stomped him into a grease spot and happily gone to jail for it. If what he did was for real (and there's some question about that), it was simply unconscionable.
Deirdre: Second, I blame Jerry Springer for this.
Alisha: From watching several online videos of "the breakup", I didn't see a fight break out, a shaved-head bodyguard or a 400-pound man in women's panties. So, why is Jerry Springer to blame?
Deirdre: People want their 15 minutes of fame and Jerry was really the first to provide a platform for relationship exhibitionists. All they have to do is humiliate themselves and the one they claim to "love." And now, thanks to the Internet and YouTube, people can take that yearning one huge step further, without having to fly to Chicago for his show.
Alisha: Eh ... With all of these new media outlets now accessible to any average joe who has a USB port -- audio, MP3s, camera phones, etc. -- I just don't think Mr. Ex-Mayor of Cincinnati should take the fault for this one. Seems to me the UNC student showed off his stupidity and his lack of respect. My thing, the girl, Mindy Moorman, seemed to handle her business. She didn't go off running and screaming. I applaud her.
Deirdre: Me too! She held her own, considering she was supposedly caught off-guard. But what really bugs me is the immaturity of it all. The guy goes off half-cocked because of what a friend told him, and didn't even bother to discuss the situation (she allegedly cheated on him) with the chick. The whole thing coulda been a lie.
Deirdre: But even if it wasn't a lie, you don't do such a thing in public. I'm a decade older than you, and 10 years ago, the dude would have confronted her in private, or just stopped calling her. There would have been none of this public humiliation business. Really, what does it say about HIM that he felt the need to do this?
Alisha: You mean none of this public humiliation business spread over the entire world. I'm sure the hippies and the beatniks and my grandparents' generation had alternate ways to humiliate. ... But you're right - that relationship screamed for some communication. At least now the girl knows what kind of a jerk she was hooking up with. Everything happens for a reason.
Deirdre: Yeah. If it was a true breakup, she's probably thinking she dodged a bullet. And if it wasn't, shame on them for trying to trick the YouTube universe. Don't they have, like, classes to flunk? Get back to studying!
Alisha: I'm thinking we're going to see a wave of copycats pop up. I will pray for all you single people, and hope I don't see you on the next Internet breakup video. Maybe the biggest dealbreaker of 2007 will be: "If the guy or girl has a YouTube account."

Faces behind sexual dysfunction

When reading Tonya Jameson’s story on sexual dysfunction affecting young couples in Charlotte, I have to say I was a tad surprised, but not for the reason you might think.

All of the couples interviewed went by first names only. Wow, that’s super odd, I thought. If the point of the story is to bust down this big myth that sexual dysfunction only affects couples well over age 40, then why would my generation even consider hiding behind a cloak of anonymity? You should be loud and proud, ready to scream to the world that you and your partner are not alone in your own little sexual hell.

But … wait a second here … The light bulb in my head all of a sudden grew into a much brighter shade of yellow. (No jokes please!)

There’s the catch. What if I had to not only admit to but also proclaim – on paper or in a blog, no less – that yes, my husband and I do indeed have a serious sexual dysfunction? It’s easy to talk about someone else’s problems, but when it comes to breaking down the game film of our own sexual lives – that’s hitting a tad too close to home.

I don’t want to spill my guts about every sexual problem my husband and I have encountered in our short marriage. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to divulge such sensitive topics. Would you want your family and coworkers reading your blog about how your husband lasts a mere five minutes or how your wife puts in a 60-hour work week and ya’ll haven’t had sex since before Christmas, for example (and no, these are not issues in my relationship)? I think not.

Maybe this supposed “myth” really isn’t a myth after all. I bet most of us know sexual dysfunction doesn’t just affect Baby Boomers. I bet most of us know there is help out there for our sexual woes, no matter how long you’ve been married or how long you’ve had sex.

Thing is, what we do realize is it’s just not easy putting our names right next to it.

Such a thing as nice guys finishing last?

Alisha: There's one cliche many of my guy friends tend to loosely throw out when discussing their dating lives: "Nice guys always finish last." I want to know why they feel this way.
Deirdre: Did you ask them?
Alisha: Yes. Some of them question why girls don’t want to be treated right. Others list off all the things they have going for them: a steady job, decent income, a loving family, etc.
Deirdre: Hmm. That's tough, because I know a lot of women who feel the same way. I used to feel the same way about myself, in fact. Here's the conclusion I came to: It's not about how much I make, or what job I have or how many years I went to college. What's going on here is I pick the wrong kind of guy. I think a lot of these "nice" guys and girls might have the same problem.
Alisha: So because you pick the wrong person, you automatically lump yourself into "I never get the guy (or girl) category?" Why not say, "I just always pick the wrong type to date"?
Deirdre: Oh, I agree! That's what we should be doing! But when it comes to the nice ones not getting the partner they want, part of it might be their behavior as well. Wouldn't you agree?
Alisha: Are you saying all nice people are timid when it comes to approaching a potential partner?
Deirdre: No. But some are. Courtship can be a scary thing, especially if someone doesn't have a lot of experience.
Alisha: Sure, the routine can be quite intimidating. It's just the reverting to the "I'm a nice guy so that's why I'm still single" is a bunch of hogwash. If people want to think they're always going to finish last and never get the girl or guy because they're a nice person -- I guess there's just no changing their mind. It all sounds like excuses to me.
Deirdre: True. But I would caution them to take a long, hard look at themselves. Are they going after unattainable people? To put it bluntly, there's a certain subset of people who think they are too young, beautiful, cocky and rich to hook up with anything other than young, beautiful, cocky and rich people. If you don't meet that description, keep your nice self away. Or ladies, know how there are "bad" boys? Avoid 'em like the bird flu. You might have a good time at first, but you'll probably get your heart broken ... or your stuff stolen.
Deirdre: So what advice would you give your "nice guy" friends? I'm assuming you've discussed this with them.
Alisha: Jump off the nice-guys-finish-last high horse, dust off your smile, open up your ears and look at life as though your one true love just hasn't found you yet. Oh, and stop making excuses – nice guys can finish first.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Good luck to all the guys and gals who had to buy gifts. I hope your beloved doesn't turn their nose up at what you got! And to all the chicks scampering around with roses delivered to them at the office: try not to rub it in too much to the folks who didn't get any, OK? That's bad karma.

Now, before I go stuff myself with chocolate and those chalky little candy hearts, I had to share this bit of incredibly bad timing. An e-mail from a friend:

"You know how Amazon.com occasionally sends you e-mails with recommended purchases? This is the subject line for the one I just got:

Amazon.com recommends He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys and more

"Happy freakin' Valentine's Day."

Day of love, multipartisan style

I don’t like writing about Valentine’s Day. Everyone has his or her own opinion on how to deal with it, sans a significant other or not.

And much like Valentine’s Day, I don’t like writing about politics. No matter what you say or how you say it or with what spin you put on it, you just simply cannot win.

In giving it some heavy thought – over a Bojangles’ biscuit and a small sweet tea – I think there's some striking similarities between a person’s political stance and his or her approach to Valentine’s Day. Yes, this might be stretching things a bit and it might lean a tad toward stereotyping, but I’ve never seen a comparison chart of two such vastly different topics. So here’s my attempt:

Democrats: In this liberal relationship, both partners receive gifts. They’re the ones walking around Hallmark with the 4-by-6 foot Garfield “I love you” card. Valentine’s Day is spent with breakfast in bed, a picnic lunch, and a five-star steak dinner preceding a trip to the movie theater.
Republicans: With the more conservative approach, the lady is the one who is showered with gifts, chocolates and flowers. Guys take a backseat on this holiday. A typical Valentine’s Day would include the lady receiving red roses at work and the kids making Mom dinner.
Independents: These are the couples who will often decide together to boycott the holiday because, well, why do you need one day of the year to express your love? They might purchase a card for each other, but the festivities are spread throughout the year.
Green Party: Valentine’s gift ideas for a Green Party member – subscription to National Geographic, a basket filled with herbal tea and tofu and an aloe plant instead of commercial roses.
Libertarians: Don’t be surprised to see these folks throwing a Valentine’s Day party. Why not? Play some games, eat some food, drink some wine. As a party that believes in strong civil liberties, this group isn’t going to hold anything back when celebrating.
Socialist Labor Party: Doesn’t Valentine’s Day fall on a Wednesday this year? Um, yeah. So these people are going to treat Wednesday just like every other Wednesday. Get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, go to bed and repeat the next day. It’s as simple as that.

Got any more political parties and similarities?

V-Day: Damned if you do .. or don't

I've got single friends scattered all over the place planning anti-Valentine's Day celebrations.

Oh, I know where the impulse comes from. The Valentine's backlash is almost as strong as the unyielding force that pushes so many people toward flowers, fancy dinners, lingerie and good chocolate on Feb. 14.

I used to embrace the "anti" concept. Because of uncanny relationship timing (looking back, I may have had more of a hand in that than I care to admit), I've spent more Valentine's Days as a single woman than as a girlfriend. So I did the "flirt madly with hotties in the club" thing. I did the "raucous night out drinking with girlfriends" thing. I did the "stay at home, drink cheap wine, eat Chinese food and watch sad movies" thing. I did the "meditate on where you are in life and open yourself up for love" thing, complete with the "cleansing" burning of the sage. And I've come to the conclusion that the anti-Valentine's Day celebrations are just as toxic as the Valentine's Day ones.

But really, what can people -- single or attached -- do? We've all been conditioned that Feb. 14 is a day of such romantic significance that even revelling in the rebellion is significant. I plan on treating Wednesday like it's a regular day, and even THAT is sending a message. You can't win for losing, in other words.

I even tried to start a mutiny in my last relationship. You can imagine how it went. We had been together only about three months, and I tried to take the pressure off by saying we didn't have to celebrate Valentine's Day. I patiently -- and, I thought, rationally -- explained my reasoning. Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday that holds no real meaning. The day is awash in a sea of unrealistic expectations. Men get the worst deal of all, because they're supposed to produce the perfect gift -- if it's not shiny and expensive, it must be the most well-thought-out and heartfelt present ever. Plus, we were so new, I argued, how could we know each other's likes and dislikes? So let's just not get each other anything. Besides, the year has 364 other days for romantic possibilities.

My boyfriend said he agreed. He said it was a good idea that made sense. There were kisses and laughter. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, and was proud of this, our first big decision as a couple.

Then Valentine's Day rolled around, and he got me a card anyway. I got him nothing ... because that was the agreement. His feelings were hurt. "I didn't think that 'nothing' included cards," he whined. All I could do was shake my head.

So after years of Valentine's Days as a single and an attached person, I've come to this conclusion: All we can do is grit our teeth and power through it. Do whatever you've got to do to get to Feb. 15 and still be able to sleep in your own bed, talk freely with friends and loved ones, and look at yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience. If that means reservations at your beloved's favorite restaurant, do it. If that means partying with your single friends at an anti-Valentine's celebration, do it. If that means choosing a gift that didn't come from a convenience store or clearance rack, do it. If that means sitting at home, eating Ben & Jerry's and sobbing at the end of "Sleepless in Seattle," do it.

There is no judgment here. We're all going through the same thing.

Music to set the mood

Deirdre: Hello, young (and young at heart) lovers! Are you getting geared up for Valentine's Day? We've got something to help things go smooth-like: A dozen songs to get you in the mood. And while you may have heard these before, you probably haven't had a chance to get sick of them thanks to heavy radio rotation.
Alisha: And knowing what you guys know about us, you can probably guess Deirdre and I have not selected the same songs!
Deirdre: HA! So true!



Alisha: So, whatcha got on your playlist?
Deirdre: First on my list has to be a Marvin Gaye song. Not "Let's Get It On"; that's overplayed. I'm talking 'bout "I Want You." The song is candid and mature, and it's a perfect blend of love and lust, the sacred and the sensual.
Alisha: Who doesn't love Marvin Gaye? ... Topping my list is Tracy Byrd’s “Keeper of The Stars.” I’ll be honest: This is mine and my husband’s “song.” It’s just one of those country love ballads that speak right to the heart.
Deirdre: Sounds sweet. Next I'd have to go with a tune that's almost a standard: "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" It's one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard. It's been recorded by lots of great singers, but I'm partial to the version we sample here, by Mr. Mel Torme.
Alisha: I have to go with Greensboro, N.C.-based punk band, Athenaeum. A good friend turned me on to this group back in 1997. "No One" is a must-listen: "And out on your doorstep I was all butterflies/'Cause all of the moonlight in the sky/Was no match for your eyes."
Deirdre: Nice. I mentioned oft-recorded standards earlier, and here's another -- only it's Spanish: "Adoro." Every time I hear it, I sigh. Who wouldn't melt at the thought that another person adores everything about them? "You are my existence, my emotion/you are my moon, you are my sun/you are my night of love."
Alisha: Never heard “Adoro” before. You’re so worldly, Deirdre! … I'm a huge fan of Disney soundtracks. One of my faves, and it's a great song for those shy men out there, is "Kiss the Girl" from "The Little Mermaid."
Deirdre: Heh. Not too emphasize our differences too much, but I gotta mix it up and go with "Closer," by Nine Inch Nails. Sometimes you don't want tenderness and romance; you want rough passion. "Closer" is edgy, profane, obsessive and more than a little kinky. Totally hot.
Alisha: Hey, I can throw out a dirty ditty - country music style. And, this isn't one you'll find at any wedding ceremony - at least not the sober ones! Conway Twitty's "I'd Love to Lay You Down." One critic noted of this song: "Suggestive adult lyrics like these contributed a lot to Twitty's enduring popularity."
Deirdre: SOLD! I'm a big fan of cheesy '80s power ballads, so I have to include a perfect example of one: "This Could Be the Night," by Loverboy. It's all overwrought emotion and lyrics that don't quite make sense, but the message is clear: somebody's gettin' laid tonight!
Alisha: It's a good thing we have soundclips - I haven't heard half of your songs before! Speaking of the '80s - despite the fact I was 10 when this album came out - I love U2's "All I Want Is You." The lyrics tell your significant other that he or she will be given stories, harbors and diamonds, and all they have to do is be there.
Deirdre: Hey ... I just realized we don't have any chicks on this list! I'm gonna go the total opposite of today's screaming divas and pick Dusty Springfield's "The Look of Love." I'm a big fan of string sections, plus this is a dreamy, understated seduction made even sexier, I think, by the fact the woman is doing the seducing here. The look of love/Is in your eyes/A look your smile can't disguise ...
Alisha: I sense a theme with your selections: Deirdre's Top Nookie Songs. I guess I'll settle for being your sidekick with my final choice. How about LL Cool J's "Hey Lover." It's all about a crush - and what better song for Valentine's Day? "I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin' into reality/Our love would come down so naturally/we would walk down the isle of destiny."

Readers, we know we missed some genres, and we're ready to raid iTunes to build the perfect romantic mix. Got any favorites you want to recommend?

Me and musicians don't mix

One of my New Year's resolutions was tested this past weekend: "I resolve to stop cutting certain guys extra slack just because they're super hot. "

I'm not surprised. I had a feeling that would be the hardest one to stick to.

A group of girlfriends and I went to a NoDa club to hear a musician we like. This musician, a drummer and singer from the Bobby McFarrin school of performance -- except with all the talent, yet none of the obnoxiousness -- had another drummer with him as accompaniment. This other drummer was yummy: tall and lean, with bedroom brown eyes, dreadlocks past his shoulders, and a sexy, gray-sprinkled Van Dyke (the 'stache-goatee combo that's so popular these days).

We wound up meeting the two guys after the show, and later joining them at another bar down the street. However, the guys were being pulled every which way by enthusiastic groupies, so I and another of the girls decided to call it a night. As we left, we said goodbye; they were very flirty in their farewells. While my friend got a kiss on the cheek and several touchy-feely hugs from the main musician, I chatted with the dreadlocked sidekick. As we talked, he had a moment of realization that I love: the moment where a man realizes he's a tallish guy chatting eye-to-eye with a tallish woman ... and he likes it.

"How tall are you?" he asked, after a surprised pause.

"Six feet," I responded.

"Yeah," he said with a dreamy smile of appreciation, reaching for another hug. Suede jacket. Strong arms. Dreads brushing my face. Lord have mercy. "Six feet. I need me something like that."

"I'm available," I heard myself say, mentally doing a double-take at my boldness. I had a couple of his dreads in my fingers at this point, playing with them; he didn't seem to mind.

He laughed. "Awww, don't you start!"

I decided it was really time for me to leave, before I did something rash. We were standing close and he asked my name again, wanting to get the last name correct. He knew where I worked and said he would look me up on the Observer site.

Riiiiiight. Dude probably forgot my name before I made it to the door.

But, see, here's the thing. I went through The Musician Phase before. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about? When you think guitarists are sooo sexy, or drummers are really hot, or nimble-fingered keyboard players totally turn you on? And you want to try to date them? Yeah, I caught that fever a few years back. I was a starry-eyed groupie of a great cover band, with the lead guitarist serenading me during shows (how hot is THAT?!), but he quickly lost interest after I repeatedly refused to take him home with me. And I've got photos of myself wrapped around a foxy, dreadlocked Jamaican drummer I clicked with after a reggae concert. He gave me his number, but a woman answered the phone when I called a few days later. She wasn't his sister. (Ooops.)

Even though I've already been through that phase, the other night I briefly considered contacting the dreaded drummer through the main musician's Web site. Then my New Year's resolution -- and common sense -- kicked in. I don't want to be a stop on some dude's booty call tour. The lyrics to a song from an Elvis movie kept running through my head: "I love only one girl/the one I put my arms around/I love only one girl/one in every town." I'm not gonna be that girl.

Besides, one of my friends unwittingly made it easy for me. Turns out after my early exit, she and dreads had a little make-out session. It stopped there, but when I found out, that killed the attraction for me. I don't do anything with men who've been physical with my friends. Sloppy seconds? Not my thing.

Sex and health issues: It's our duty to speak up

After reading this story, I knew I wanted to find an angle to blog about.

I enlisted my husband’s help. I read aloud the majority of the article, both of us snug in our king-sized bed, and with each sentence, he rolled his eyes. Frustrated, I said: “Look, this is serious stuff. What is it? Do you not care research suggests there are direct links to sexual problems and health issues?”

His response, laced with a direct, poignant tone: “Alisha, what does this story have to do with relationships, most specifically fodder for your blog?”

Thinking, shrugging and pondering. It hit me. It has everything to do with relationships. Cue the “in sickness and in health” portion of the marital vows.

We have a responsibility to our partner to watch over him or her. It should be our duty to monitor sexual problems, dysfunctions and quirks, and to report those to a health professional. If this research has even an ounce of accuracy, then just by speaking up, we could be the catalyst for treatment for possibly a more serious health condition.

Our sex lives, especially when there are problems – and, let’s face it, every couple has an issue at some point in time – are not to be taken lightly. We’re talking about our health here, people, not just our libidos or lack thereof.

Indeed, this research has everything to do with relationships.

“Till death do us part.”

Lovin' in public -- yea or nay?

Deirdre: On a plane trip last week the fortysomething couple sitting next to me was ALL OVER each other. They couldn't stop touching and stroking and murmuring and kissing. The public display of affection was overpowering. How do you feel about stuff like that? I'm so over it.
Alisha: We really disagree on this; I'm all about some PDA! It screams love. It shows happiness. And, well, I guess it does spell out horniness, too. There are certain times and places PDAs are not appropriate.
Deirdre: But why do people have to scream love and happiness by pawing all over each other in public?
Alisha: We want to put on display for others what we have and how we're feeling.
Deirdre: Why is it important that other people see what you have? Why isn't it enough that the two of you know? Why rub it in other people's faces?
Alisha: I never said it's important people rub it in. It's just when we are gettin' some lovin', it's natural to let others know. Is it boastful? Yes.
Deirdre: I'm not saying that when couples are in public they should never touch each other. Touch is a natural way of showing affection. But this business of making out in public, or groping someone else's private parts is taking it too far. It strikes me as immature and is a sign of insecurity. It also shows a lack of respect for others.
Alisha: If you're at an outdoor concert, for example, and there are thousands of people; why is not OK for two folks to give some PDA? Our society has so many other limitations as is. Why put a leash on kissing?
Deirdre: Because you're in public? Because there are thousands of people around you? Look, I'm not saying it's not cool to kiss in public. I'm saying it's not cool to play tonsil hockey in public. I don't see it as limiting yourself, or leashing yourself. I see it as exercising a little self control. What's wrong with saving the good stuff until you get home?
Alisha: Maybe because the stuff that's shown in public only gets hotter when the two people get home? View it as pre-game entertainment. The "Super Bowl of PDA" hasn't even been played yet.
Alisha: Honestly, if you don't want to see PDAs, then don't look.
Deirdre: I think some responsibility has to be taken by the couples doing the PDAing. That couple on the plane was sitting right next to me. The plane was full and it wasn't like a bus that I could get off at the next stop.
Alisha: But, this is groping and kissing. This isn't like smoking, where one person's actions is directly affecting you. Right?
Deirdre: It's not physically harmful, like smoking can be, but there are certain things we do as a culture to show respect for each other as fellow humans. A big one is not just killing each other for the sport of it. (Well, most of us don't.) On a smaller scale it's not making strangers witness something intimate between you and your mate. As my plane example illustrates, it's often not as easy as "don't look."
Deirdre: PDA behavior is another indication of us as a culture losing our manners. It's like screeching on cell phones and displaying other people's business on the Internet. Get my point?
Alisha: I get your point, I just don't agree with it. There are always going to be people who are rude and choose to give PDAs in the wrong place and at the wrong time. Seems to me there have always been "exhibitionists" in this world.
Deirdre: But do you think that even the people who do the PDA thing at the wrong place and time should still do so?
Alisha: No, I don't. There definitely needs to be an awareness for what is appropriate. I just think there shouldn't be a stringent regulation on when, where and how.
Deirdre: There is no stringent regulation. There's only common courtesy and common sense -- and some couples often utilize neither.

I've got love on my mind

A friend recently shared her frustration with me about dating. She's tried everything the books, magazines and Oprah experts recommend -- going to church, joining clubs based on her hobbies, volunteer work, Internet dating -- and she still hasn't met a man she'd consider pursuing a relationship with. She's like me: a thirtysomething who doesn't really want to date for dating's sake, but is looking for more than just someone for drinking and casual sex. (Not that there's anything wrong with either.)

I admit I've been floating on a sea of sighs since returning from my friend's wedding a few days ago. There wasn't a single available man there (well, maybe the DJ, but I didn't ask), so most chicks would have found the event a total bust. Not me. I was heartened by seeing all the happy, obviously still-enamored couples of all ages enjoying themselves as they giggled over drinks and boogied on the dance floor -- sometimes with their kids as adorable partners. I'm aware I have no idea what's going on in their relationships; for all I know, they fought in the parking lot as they approached the door. But for those few hours, everyone was caught up in the joy of a new marriage, and the thrill of being on hand as a man and woman, misty-eyed, pledged themselves to each other.

That wedding day, juxtaposed with my friend's frustrations, gave me pause. It reminded me of something I think most of us tend to forget: We can't take love for granted.

There's no guarantee each and every one of us will have a healthy, loving relationship. Look at all the single people out there. Look at the high divorce rate. And how many folks do you know in unhappy relationships?

Life is such a crapshoot. Folks who find love experience fate, or destiny, or sheer, stupid luck -- whatever you want to call it. I wonder, do people in love realize what a gift they've been given? There's nothing set in stone that says every human will have a mate.

As a single person, does that knowledge depress or scare me? Both, a little. Am I less inclined to date? Of course not. The need to share, to connect, to love is innate in us. I've told my friend to keep searching. Maybe she (and I) will be among the fortunate ones.

Names for my in-laws? Mom? Dad? Um, neither?

When you’re in the middle of preparing for a wedding, there are some technicalities that slip through the cracks. They’re small things that you never really think about until, oh, say, a year and four months into your marriage.

Eureka! What do I call my in-laws?

It hit me two weeks ago when I phoned my sister-in-law, and I found myself repeating “tell your Mom this…” or “I think your Mom …etc.” When I hung up the phone, I realized that, wait a minute – isn’t “your Mom” really my Mom, too? Technically, yes – by marriage. Technically, no – I have a Mom already.

It’s just one of those topics my husband and I never thought to sit down and discuss. He calls my parents by their first names, and I call his parents by their proper names. It’s as simple as that.

Often, when I’m addressing a birthday card or sending an e-mail to my in-laws, I have a tendency to write "Dear Mom and Dad," but then I always end up erasing it because it just doesn’t feel right.

So why is it an issue now? I do wonder if it’s disrespectful to my in-laws to call them by their first names, or if I should have broached this topic long before I married their son. The last thing I want to be is disrespectful – to my parents or his.

If only we had kids already, then I could just call them Grandma and Grandpa. But for now and with no bun in the oven, I think I’ll just stick to calling them by their first names.

Readers, by what names do you call your in-laws?

A single chick's wedding jitters

So this weekend I'm gonna be in a wedding. One of my closest friends is getting married, and she asked me to be her maid of honor.

I'm a wreck, of course.

It's a small wedding -- no more than 70 people -- but I'm as nervous as if it were 700. I have no backup; it's just me, the bride, the groom and the best man. I'm stressing like you wouldn't believe. Is my outfit gonna be OK? (The bride hasn't seen it.) What if I forget the Kleenex? (It's pretty much the only responsibility she gave me.) What if I trip walking down the aisle? (I'm a clutz, so that's a strong possibility.)

And -- oh, God -- there's The Toast. I break out in a sweat just thinking about it.

I've had several friends either marry or become engaged in the past couple of years. And in a mirror of America's ongoing cultural shift, most of them are getting married for the first time at older ages -- in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s. The awesome part is, I've known these people for years. I was there when they were involved in positive romances, but I also I saw them work their way through failed or unhealthy relationships and come out on the other side wounded, or relieved, or angry -- but with time, willing to try love again. It's wonderful to watch them leave their pasts firmly in the past and embrace the future with an adoring partner.

There's the expectation that a single woman at a wedding would be there on a mission. She'd be ready to body slam bridesmaids to get to the wedding bouquet, or stalk available groomsmen at the reception. There's the assumption that weddings make single people sad, or bitter, or desperate for any semblance of love ... and meaningless sex would do. (Think of the chicks from "Wedding Crashers.")

But when I attend weddings, they fill me with hope. The ceremonies I've witnessed were overflowing with love and promise. The couples were mature and clear-eyed, and they knew their lives wouldn't be happily ever after, but with work, trust and honesty, they'd live happily most of the time. I'm a pushover, so I usually cry at weddings -- not from self-pity for my single status, but from happiness at seeing two people making a committment to live for each other, as well as themselves. Such events remind me of what is possible between people who love each other, and I know if I find the right person, I can experience it for myself.

So while I'll gleefully down drink and cake and dance to my heart's content at the reception, I'm honored to witness the creation of such an intimate bond at the ceremony. And since I'll be witnessing this bond at close range, I'll try not to forget the Kleenex.

And I'll do my best not to trip.

Longing for 'the one who got away'

In the past month, I have had three guy friends tell me something quite interesting, almost jaw-dropping. It’s something I never thought I’d hear from three masculine, scruffy-type, sports nuts.

Each guy has recently been plagued by the thought of "the one who got away.”

Three males – the gender that farts at will and would rather watch re-runs of the 1998 Utah-Chicago NBA Finals than enjoy a candle-lit evening for two – were reminiscing and longing for women who were no longer a part of their lives. Who would have thought?

I always figured it was us gals who got all sappy about that hunk that swept us off of our feet, then had to move 2,000 miles across country and was never seen or heard from again, or the serious boyfriend who wanted to settle down and start a family while you wanted to experiment and enjoy the other fish in the big sea of men. Our culture has conditioned us to feel like most men aren’t the lovey-dovey, nurturing, crazy-in-love romantic types. And longing for that partner – the one who got away – certainly lends itself to the destruction of that stereotype.

For that matter, how does one know that they've missed out? Is it that instinct – the stomach-churning feeling you get when you see the movie that you first saw together? Is it a matter of simple deduction based on number of girlfriends (zero) since the spectacular relationship? Is it the fact that all you can think about is her – her scent, her laugh and her touch?

I feel as though the one who got away will always be just that – away. If things were meant to be, then, she wouldn’t have gotten away in the first place. You would be dating or married or would have given the relationship a shot, decided it wasn’t going to work and then, well, at least you wouldn’t be longing for her as the one that slipped through your fingers.

It’s romantic of us – even the male gender – to dream about that idealistic perfect partner. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming about her scent, her touch. But, sooner or later, we all have to get our heads out of the clouds.

First-date advice

Deirdre: My big resolution is to date more this year -- and I'm sure I'm not the only one! Now that I'm getting mentally psyched to date -- it is a state of mind, after all -- I've been thinking a lot about how to handle one of my least-favorite things ever: The First Date. You remember what that's like, right, ol' married woman?
Alisha: Oh yeah! Six years ago I had a first date. I was super nervous. Wore extra deodorant. Dressed to the nines. Was super attentive, and made sure I was on time. I always thought I was a cool cucumber on first dates. Some people aren't, though.
Deirdre: You just hit, like, the top four things you're supposed to do on a first date: You eliminated the B.O. possibility, dressed to impress, made sure it wasn't all about you and were prompt.
Alisha: If only I could continue doing all those things now that I'm married. OK ... I do wear deodorant every day!
Deirdre: Well, we singletons don't do those things every day, either, even though we should (especially the deodorant part). After all, you never know when you might meet somebody dateable. What else do you remember being important for a first date?
Alisha: Use generic conversation. Nothing too specific. For example, I would never bring up my life-long commitment to having two kids by age 28, like some people do. That's heavy stuff to take in the first time you meet someone.
Deirdre: Amen! And I think it's a little unrealistic to have such a set-in-stone plan, anway. If you're determined to have those kids and you haven't met Mr. Baby Daddy by the time you're 27 1/2, you're likely to marry the first critter that offers you a cubic zirconia.
Alisha: Oh yeah. But I know lots of women who are determined not to stray from that life plan. Scary. OK, so what advice do you have for first-date etiquette?
Deirdre: This is a "duh!" comment for most of us, but some people never learn: When you're out with someone, don't salivate over someone else, like that waitress with the nice rack. People do notice that crap.
Alisha: Good one. Oogling eyes are a huge turnoff. Don't care how bad of a time you're having -- stay focused on the person you're hanging with. How about: On a first date, never expect to be kissed unless you just know the chemistry is definitely there. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect it. Think about the first date as hanging out with someone really cool, and hey, if there's a second date - awesome. If there isn't - nothing lost.
Deirdre: And I have to add to that one shouldn't pounce at the end of the date in an attempt to "close the deal." The only deal that may be closed is the decision to call 911. Now, here's one: Don't refer to an ex as "methhead" or "firecrotch" or anything of the sort. It makes you look bitter and tacky. In fact, don't refer to exes at all unless asked ... and then, be tactful. (For God's sake, don't mention restraining orders!)
Alisha: For a "Do," how about pay close attention to detail. If your date absolutely hates condiments, and she orders a plain cheeseburger. Surely to goodness, don't be a fool and decide to make her hot dogs stacked with ketchup, mustard and relish on the second date.
Deirdre: Since we're talking about eating out -- ladies: don't order the most expensive thing on the menu, thinking it's cool 'cause the dude is paying. And guys, don't choose a place one step above Mickey D's 'cause you don't want to spend too much money. Gotta pay to play ... and girls, that can mean -- GASP! -- going dutch.
Alisha: Excellent advice. My final what-not-to-do on a first date: Don't get drunk. First of all, you don't want someone to see your alter ego because it could be quite an ugly sight. And, we all tend to be rather honest when the spirits hit us. If you aren't diggin' your date, whoa ... you're just askin' for an episode of Jerry Springer to happen.
Deirdre: No lie! A friend of mine had a first date with this sketchy dude and he drank so much, he had to sleep it off on her couch. Talk about losing most of your cool points! Careful with the mojitos and Sam Adams, people. But overall, I would say on that most important of dates, treat the other person as you would like to be treated.

Readers: Got any first-date advice you want to share?

Our relationship resolutions for 2007

Deirdre: It's that time again: A brand new year. A chance to start fresh and dream big!
Alisha: Thank gosh! I'm ready to kick 2006 in the rear end.
Deirdre: No lie! It already kicked my butt, so I'm certainly ready to return the favor.
Alisha: So among the vows to return to the gym, eat better and get more sleep - I bet we can come up with some relationship resolutions, huh?
Deirdre: No problem there! And I'm willing to start. No. 1: I resolve that 2007 will be The Year That Deirdre Dates. I WILL get out more, even if it means cutting back on my Netflix subscription! And I may even join one of those newcomers clubs I'm always suggesting to other people.
Alisha: No. 1: I resolve to open up my ears. I've gotten pretty good at multi-tasking and with that talent, something is inevitably going to fall by the wayside, and that's my listening skills. I want to focus on listening more when my husband talks (and yes, this is what he considers to be my biggest fault).
Deirdre: My next one: I resolve to stop cutting certain guys extra slack just because they're super hot. If the guy doesn't treat me right from the very beginning, no matter how foxy he is, he's gone!
Alisha: My next one would have to be hanging out more with family and friends. I wouldn't call myself a hermit by any stretch; however, life is too short to spend it in the house 24-7. I want to make new friends, grow with my old ones and reach out to friends I haven't talked to in years.
Deirdre: Here, here! My final one, and this'll probably be the hardest: I will try to loosen up more when dating. I'm so busy thinking ahead, trying to figure out what's going on -- does he like me? do I like him? should I wait until he calls me? what did he mean when he said ... -- that I often don't relax and just enjoy getting to know somebody new. Every man is not the only man. I should tape that note to my mirror!
Alisha: Amen! ... My final one: Sorry, Mom ... you might want to stop reading here. I resolve to spend more one-on-one time with my husband (wink, wink). Busy lives, conflicting work schedules, and tired routines be damned - it's time to focus on us ... in the bedroom.
Deirdre: You go, sister! No one can accuse us of not tellin' it like it is!

What about you, readers? Have any relationship resolutions you want to share?

Confessions of a New Year's Eve baby

I was chatting with the 28-year-old (yep, he called and now we're working on a friendship -- go figure) when he asked me what I was going to do on Sunday. You see, not only is this Sunday New Year's Eve, it's also my birthday. That's right: Dec. 31.

The 28-year-old was shocked when I said some girlfriends and I were thinking about having a good old-fashioned slumber party, complete with games, junk food and, of course, cocktails.

"You're not gonna go out on your birthday?" he asked incredulously. He has big plans of his own; he's flying to Washington, D.C., for a party thrown by an old college friend. "It's New Year's Eve! You're only going to have once chance to ring in 2007!"

"I may not go out to party, but I'll be with friends," I countered. "That's the important part."

I can't tell you how long it took me to realize that.

Sure, being born on New Year's Eve seems cool. "Wow, you must do something awesome every year!" people say. "The biggest party of the year is on your birthday!"

Oy, THE PRESSURE. When I was a kid it wasn't so bad -- after all, I wasn't expected to dance on a bar when I was in grade school. However, it was hard to have birthday parties, since most of my friends were off visiting family during the holidays. As I aged, people's expectations grew ... and my anxiety grew right along with them. While I've had some memorable celebrations -- one highlight was partying in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl; another was a "cleansing ceremony" with two of my best friends, where we burned negative reminders of past lovers and danced and sang and laughed, all by the moonlight bouncing off San Francisco Bay -- most of my birthdays have never quite lived up to my hopes. There was the year I broke up with my high school sweetheart, and he promptly went out and tried to wrap his car around a tree. There was the year I held some girl's silver lame cowboy hat while her friend held back her hair as she barfed into a nearly overflowing toilet. There was the year I got the midnight kiss from a really hot guy, only to discover seconds later he was there with his girlfriend.

I'll stop before this becomes an Alanis Morissette song.

The older I get, the less important New Year's Eve blowouts become. Now I find myself content to have dinner with friends, and ring in the New Year with people I care about. We celebrate being alive another year. We celebrate the possibilities a fresh 365 days can bring. We celebrate each other.

Plus, this year, I'm tired. I've worked hard the past few weeks, and my family was at my house all week for Christmas. I'm looking forward to a goofy, low-key celebration complete with Cranium and Cosmopolitans with my friends. My flannel pajamas are ready. Sorry; a silver lame hat just wouldn't match.

Big decision: Which family do we spend holidays with?

The biggest decision of the holiday season isn’t deciding on which sweater Grandma would actually wear once you bought it or which honey-baked ham place has the better deal; it’s deciding on where you and your significant other are going to spend the holidays.

Granted, this decision was likely made weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean it’s not weighing on your mind – the long hours in the car, the short amount of time spent with each family, the stress that comes with making sure you have all the presents accounted for.

Dividing up family time during the holidays has to rank as one of the most trying efforts of any relationship. It’s not an easy decision. It seems like every family has their own traditions. Some host the big celebration on Christmas Eve, complete with egg nog, appetizers and caroling. Other families prefer the big morning gift opening to be the centerpiece of their holiday. And then again, other families don’t celebrate Christmas at all. You don't want to upset the apple cart, especially when it comes to strict traditions that have been passed down from generation to generation.

All these decisions affect your relationship. You want to make everyone happy – or at least, I feel I have to. Life seemed so much easier when we were kids – Mom and Dad would just pick one place for the holidays and that’s where we spent it. Now, as a married couple – with no kids – we feel compelled to split our time among family.

I believe most of us are thankful and blessed to have such a hard choice to make, but I have to say, it sure doesn’t make it any easier.

How do you handle family time during the holidays? Do you switch off the major holidays with each side of the family, or do you pull double-duty and visit both sides on the same holiday? Has this big decision caused major stress in your relationship; if so, how have you handled it?

Your friend's S.O. is a loser -- do you say something?

Alisha: So I'm at the age where it feels like everyone is getting married. Next year, I have three weddings lined up. One thing I've been wondering (and no, this doesn't apply to any of the three upcoming nuptials): What if I think a friend's fiancee just is not "The One," and she should dump him before they say "I do"?
Deirdre: Wow. That's a tough one. On one hand, your (hypothetical) friend is a grown-up and capable of making her own decisions. On the other, you might see something she doesn't.
Alisha: Exactly. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but surely she would take that as a friend looking after her friend. I worry I'd come across as prying into their personal life. Is there really an easy to way to say, "Hey, your boyfriend is a creep and downright slob?"
Deirdre: I had a situation once where a friend had a complete boor of a boyfriend. No one in our shared social circle liked him or understood why she stayed. She'd even said some things that made us feel she might be thinking along the same lines, but she stuck with him. Meanwhile, the more we were around him, the more obvious his jerkness became.
Deirdre: We'd all been wondering how to talk to her about this dude. I'm the most blunt person in our group (surprise!) and my friends are used to my straight-shootin' ways. So one night I just told her no one liked her boyfriend and we were worried about her.
Alisha: See, that's where you and I differ. I just don't have the gonads to be as upfront as you are. How did your friend respond?
Deirdre: She laughed off my comments at the time, but she broke up with him before too long. She just had to do it when she was ready.
Alisha: And you can't really say "I told you so" after it's over, or can you?
Deirdre: Oh, no way! How cruel would that be? We just let her know in subtle ways we were relieved she'd made the decision. I mean, the dude was getting possessive and dangerous. And I'm happy to say that she is now engaged to an AWESOME guy.
Alisha: [Sigh] Ah, we love happy endings! [Snap to reality] But happy endings don't happen all the time. I wish we could protect our friends from the losers. Though, really, it's often much easier to scrutinize someone's faults than to praise the positives.
Alisha: So we're obviously not talking about just random folks. What you're saying is, it would need to be a good friend, not just an acquaintance?
Deirdre: Yes. My closest friends are my extended family. We take care of each other and trust each other. And if one of those friends tells me something troubling about a man I'm dating, I take them seriously because I know they have my best interest at heart. The problem is, most of us know people who might not be so noble. They might actually do or say something just to cause pain. So you do have to consider the source.
Alisha: Good advice. There are so-called friends who could be secretly pining over your significant other, so it is a wise move to consider the source. I wonder how many people would actually take someone else's advice? I would listen to my friend's advice, but I also know when you're in love, it's hard to just walk away.
Deirdre: Personally, I would want to know. It's hard to walk away, but it's also hard to ignore information people are giving you because they are concerned about your well-being. I think it's best to give the person that information and they can do with it what they will. And you would need to have proof, not just a hunch. They may choose their mate over you (I've had that happen as well), but ultimately, it's their decision.
Alisha: I hear what you're saying. I'm just torn on the subject. I keep thinking about my friends who are engaged. Hypothetically speaking, if I went to one of them right now and said, "you cannot marry that person," I feel like I would lose out on a good friend. On the other hand, I feel like my friend should know how I feel. Gosh ... you make it sound so easy, but it's just not that way, I'm afraid. If it were, don't you think the divorce rate might be a tad lower?
Deirdre: I would never say "you cannot marry that person." No one has a right to make such a pronouncement about someone else's life. But I would say "I'm telling you this because I love you and I'm concerned for you and I have reservations about your man. Here's why ..." If your friend knows you are coming from a place of love, and they are confident enough in themselves and your friendship, they will listen to you.

Hand-written letters a thing of the past

Last week I made my annual trek to the post office to buy four booklets of stamps for my Christmas cards, and of course, the line was out the door. I patiently waited -- as patiently as one can wait for 55 minutes to buy stamps. Geesh!

When folks wait in line that long, you tend to strike up conversations with the tall man in front of you or the little old ladies behind you. What else are you going to do? Plasma TVs just don't seem to fit the ambience and blue uniforms at the post office.

This time, a bearded gentleman in his mid-40s inquired of the people around him -- all of whom just happened to be women -- the reason for their visits to the post office. A stout woman with round, silver glasses and a hand-knit sweater spoke up and said she was sending a letter for the first time to her nephew, who is in Iraq with the U.S. Army. We all let out a collective sigh and shook our heads as if to say, "We're so sorry to hear he's in Iraq." The woman acknowledged us, and then said, "I just hope he receives my letter. I want him to know I love him, especially during the holidays."

Writing letters seems to be a thing of the past, much like 8-track tapes and LP 45s. It's all about e-mails, text messages and Bluetooth phones nowadays. I truly miss writing letters, as well as receiving them. There's something quite special about getting a handwritten letter in the mail, knowing that someone cared enough to take 30 minutes out of his or her busy life to pen words of encouragement or admiration. And major bonus points if the letter has stickers or cool artwork in the margins! You can't add stickers to e-mail.

I hope that woman's nephew receives her letter, and appreciates the love it was written with.

Dating hiatus during holidays?

I have a friend who has totally immersed herself in dating. She has profiles on several dating Web sites and is out at parties, events and dates several times a week. The girl is committed.

And while she especially loves to date during this time of year -- "There's so many parties! And everyone is out shopping! There are people and opportunities everywhere!" (yes, her enthusiasm can be gag-inducing at times) -- she reminded me that many people don't dig it. In fact, just yesterday she was talking about people she knows (especially guys) who avoid dating during the Christmas season altogether because they don't want to have to buy a gift.

Yeah, that's kinda cold-blooded, but if you take the high road -- which I'm gonna do here -- you can understand why. When you're just starting a relationship, things are uncertain. You're still getting to know each other. You're not sure where it's going. Things you would gloss over in a longterm romance take on weighted significance in the early stages. On the topic of Christmas goodies, if you buy a gift, what are you saying? If you don't buy a gift, what are you saying? If you buy an expensive gift, what are you saying? If you buy an impersonal gift, what are you saying? See what I'm saying?

So it makes sense to avoid the drama altogether by not dating during the Christmas season. Would it really be such a bad thing? So what if you go stag to a few holiday parties -- look fabulous and practice your flirting skills. And just wait -- January is coming. Think about all the New Year's resolutions being made to get out and date more! And after a month or so of dating hibernation, all those singles will be ready to mingle!

Dating your co-workers

Deirdre: Every now and then I think about things I've done in relationships that I feel pretty sure I would never do again. At the top of my list: No more dating men I work with.
Alisha: There are definitely some pitfalls that could come from dating co-workers. What made that particular relationship regretful?
Deirdre: My last boyfriend and I actually worked in the same room. And the woman he dated before me also worked in that same room. I know -- I was on crack to even think about going out with him in the first place, but he won me over.
Deirdre: So you can imagine what it was like when we broke up. Soap opera.
Alisha: I know there are many couples who work together and somehow, their relationships don't seem to suffer from them being around each other 24-7. I salute them. But, on the whole, I just don't see how it's healthy to be around someone all the freakin' time.
Alisha: Space, people. Space.
Deirdre: It worked for my ex and me because our schedules were completely different. And I can kinda see it working for people who are employed at the same place, but work in different buildings, or departments. That space you speak of -- I think it's necessary if only to keep your co-workers from knowing your business!
Alisha: So what's worse, dating a co-worker or dating a boss?
Deirdre: A BOSS, of course! There's no way that's an equal relationship. Some might say the boss has the power, because they control the subordinate's career (promotions, raises, etc.). Others might say the worker bee can run to HR and cry sexual harassment if they don't get their way. It's just not the best way to pursue a healthy relationship.
Alisha: Yeah, in my experiences, I haven't seen or heard of many managers dating their subordinates. Though, I have heard of managers having affairs with their co-workers, but that's a whole 'nother blog topic.
Deirdre: Ohhhhhh yeah! The stories I could tell ...
Alisha: See, that's the thing. When co-workers date, the gossip line is completely abuzz. The whole, "did you know that he cheated on her... have you heard they had a big fight last night and she didn't come home," etc.
Deirdre: Been there, done that, could write a book. But here's the rub: As a culture we all work so much that the main place we meet people is at our jobs! When you don't get out much, that office hottie becomes harder to resist.
Alisha: In 2005, CNN had a story about a career publishing house that released an employee survey. The results showed that 58 percent of respondents said they have been involved with a co-worker and 22 percent said they met their spouse or significant other at work.
Alisha: Fifty-eight percent! That's high. I guess those 40-60 hour work weeks can squash your dating life, eh?
Deirdre: They can squash your meeting non-work-related people, smarty pants. Like I said earlier: that hottie that keeps walking by, sometimes you gotta for it! But since I've been burned, I now treat the office cuties as what they are: nice scenery.
Alisha: Good idea. Look at it as window shopping, and your credit card is maxed out.
Deirdre: You ever dated someone you worked with?
Alisha: I would use the term "dated" very loosely; more like hanging out and finding out we would never work. ... I prefer to keep my home life separate from my work life. My husband is in the same profession as I am and though I can't really prevent him from working with me, we both agree it would not be a good idea.
Deirdre: But I'd count that as one of the perks of being in a relationship with someone you work with! They know what's going on, so they understand the joys and stresses of your job.
Alisha: On the downside, if the stress gets to you both, such as the looming sale of your company for example, then you both go home facing double the pressure.
Alisha: To play devil's advocate, I could see where dating a co-worker is beneficial. At least you get the opportunity to sneak in "together" time while on the job.
Deirdre: Ah, but I could see how some bitter and petty co-workers could mutter about preferential treatment because of your emotional involvement with someone on the job.
Alisha: And don't forget how if you make friends who are co-workers as a couple, then, if a split does happen - you're possibly forcing those people to pick sides. That's a hefty price to pay; losing your better half and your friends.
Deirdre: Ugh. Readers, what say you? Are the rewards of dating someone you work with worth the risks?

Scene from a healthy marriage

I had to work the day after Thanksgiving, so I was unable to be with my family on the big day. Some friends -- a young married couple -- took pity on my orphaned state and invited me to join them for Thanksgiving. They were driving to a small town in South Carolina to be with her family. Food provided by a gaggle of country aunts and cousins? I leapt at the offer!

So Thanksgiving morning we were off, laughing and telling stories and talkin' trash. About halfway through the drive, the husband's cell phone rings. He answers it, has a terse, stilted conversation, then hangs up. He was quiet for a few stunned seconds before he told us who had been on the phone.

It was an ex-girlfriend, "just calling to say hi." His mother had given her the phone number, saying he wouldn't mind a call on Thanksgiving Day. Even though he's, like, married with a small child.

Yeah. TACKY.

But here's the thing. After we got over our initial shock, we all howled with laughter -- his wife loudest of all. Now, if an ex-hottie called many women's husbands, they'd be upset and trying to pick a fight -- with the husband, the hottie, the mother-in-law (MIL) or all of the above.

What the MIL did was underhanded. What the ex did was just plain stupid. But how the hubby handled it was great -- he was courteous but clipped on the phone, then told his wife exactly who it was and what had happened. (Who among us doesn't know some dude who would lie to keep from upsetting his woman, only to make matters worse in the process?) How the wife handled it was even better, with dignity, good humor and an easy, obvious confidence in her man and her marriage. It was glorious to watch the lack of drama. Whatever the MIL had planned, it failed horribly.

It turns out that MIL doesn't like the wife very much (gee, what was the giveaway?) and this was the latest in a line of not-so-subtle marriage-marring machinations. But the husband is his own man and won't let his mother mess up his healthy, happy thing. The wife is secure in herself and has the support of her husband and a loving family; why let the scheming of this woman affect her life?

On that day, I was thankful to see such a fine example of a marriage that works, thanks to communication, trust, love and humor. Now that's my kind of relationship!