You once had a relationship that was meaningful, one where you invested years of passion, energy and commitment, and then for whatever reason (insert yours here), that relationship ended abruptly. It was over so quickly you never got the chance to say your piece, or even so much as a simple goodbye.
Now, years later you find yourself wishing you had the opportunity to end things once and for all. You don’t want to rekindle anything – you just want to add a sense of termination. Here’s a solution: Write a letter of closure.
I’ve been thinking of writing one for awhile now, and a recent trip to my hometown dredged up memories of a painful separation from an ex-boyfriend. He wanted to marry, and I just wasn’t ready. Our relationship ended in an argument and then – that was it. No final goodbyes, no kind words of appreciation for all the good times, no hugs – nothing. For months after our break-up, he avoided my calls, e-mails and my insistence we end what once was a blossoming relationship on a good note.
My letter of closure is not an indicator I’m unhappy with my marriage; in fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just every so often I think about my past, and wish my ex-boyfriend could hear the words I never got to say to him, and that would be enough.
In selecting the tone for a final note, some letters might be filled with anger. Others could be wrought with regret. Some might be full of sorrow. A few will overflow with good fortune for a fulfilled life, and that is the tone I chose for my letter. So here goes,
Dear ... –
I wanted to let you know our relationship meant a lot to me – more than you’ll ever know. I hope you’ve found true love and have discovered happiness in its purest form. I know I’ve found it with my husband, and I owe some of that to you because you helped teach me how to love unconditionally. You were there for me during some of the roughest periods in my life, and I want you to realize I owe you a large debt of gratitude. I wish you nothing but the best.
Goodbye.
Alisha
Monday, August 13, 2007
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27 comments:
This is pretty stupid if you are truly happy in your marriage let the past be. You are just stirring up trouble and disrespecting your marriage.
Would you like your husband to receive such a letter/email or communication from an old girlfriend???
Some people require closure to move on with their lives. My personal opinion is that those who say "let the past be" and forget about it are the kings and queens of denial and people who lack introspection. Usually, those are the people who DON"T learn from experience and make the same mistakes time and again.
The only person who is in a rightful position to judge Alisha for writing what she did is her husband.
If we're lucky, we love and care about many people in our lifetime. Finding a spouse doesn't--and shouldn't--demand that we deny our past.
WE ALL CAN JUDGE BECAUSE SHE CHOOSE TO PUT IT OUT HERE!!! TO ANON 2:27. You don't have to deny your past..memories can last forever but you do respect your marriage by leaving the past alone. If her husband says he doesn't mind he is simply lying.
-Peace
Anonymous 2:43:
How insolent and condescending of you to proclaim so boldly that you KNOW whether Alisha's husband speaks the truth. I didn't know God posted comments on blogs.
>>Alisha, I hope you share this entry with your husband and post an update. Oh, but wait...the haters out there will just say that he's lying or you're lying. They'll refuse to believe that it could be anything outside of their own experience.
Yeah, I've seen that myself. Amazing how people's own unresolved crap suddenly makes them mind-readers and experts about what's right for other people.
Alisha, here is an installation from one of my favorite bloggers regarding the hate mail she constantly receives. I hope it gives you a good laugh... you'll need it after reading some of these comments.
http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/
07_16_2007.html
More Hate: This is really stupid why would you disrespect your hubby like that? You would not want him to send his former lovers a message don't do it.
Alisha oeprates on complete honesty in her marriage and this is her choice. Not giving closure (or pushing it down for years and never really dealing with it) could cause more damage eventually. I agree with her that she needs to do this, get it over, be open with her husband, and move on if that is what she decides. This may not be the best thing for everyone.
Also, I think that discussions should be productive instead of being plain rude. The rude comments make you come off looking like idiots and whatever point you are trying to make is lost in translation and hostility.
Why would you do this to the guy who wanted to marry you, years after your initial rejection of him? The closure was your rejection, and now you want him to understand you or not be angry at you (or whatever the reason for the letter)? Let the man live in peace......
It's not her husband she is disrespecting, it's her past boyfriend. Her letter will do nothing but stir up painful memories - who gives her this right? What if he never found true love, but gets through it by telling himself nor did she? Either case, she's disrupting his feelings (w/o an invitation) and she no longer has this right.
Nice gesture, so it may seem, but selfish. Let it go.
to anon 9:27: If she did not want "unproductive" comments she should have kept her opinions to herself.
BTW
She is plain wrong!
She has her right to her opinion whether you agree or not. Her choice. Saying she is wrong is your opinion. I do not agree with everything she says but it is her right to say it. You get nowhere by being rude. The comments can be said in a way that is not so plain out mean. If you don't like this blog then be kind to the rest of us and just stop reading it.
BTW - Ever consider taht this guy might need closure also and not know how to get it? Maybe she is opening a door for him too?
Funny how you can almost tell the age of each person who has made a comment. Closure is a very risky thing. Alisha has apparently developed the type of honesty with her husband that most of us only wish we had (or maybe not?) If she is secure in her marriage and relationship with her husband then this is just a way of voicing an opinion about "relationships" which is what this blog is supposed to be about. Here's hoping that this is your closure Alisha. The former boyfriend will find his own closure, or maybe he already has. The need to have "closure" is not necessarily something that everyone needs.
Relationship Rule #1:
First, do no harm.
Ok Alisha if you want to make love with him one more time do it and get over with it. Guess your hubby wouldnt mind that either. LOL
Deidre,
Please hurry post something this chick is drowning in her blog....
"closure" is just psycho-babble. Most people make peace with their past and go on. I would be very upset and my husband would be too, if I got a letter from an old boyfriend telling me that I taught him "how to love". All ur former ralationships teach us something, but there's no reason to dredge it up again and rub my spouse's face in it.
Some of you are getting gross. Is that really necessary? I never heard her sya she was going to jump his bones or even speak to him face to face.
Poor ex-boyfriend......he wanted to marry her, she said no and now, years later, she wants to rub in his face that someone else now gets to reap the benefits of her love?!?! And she wants to credit the ex with at least some of that progress/maturity?
I know this wasn't what she is looking to do, but that is what might be felt on his end.
All Deidre posts anymore is crap from other sources....
Go ahead Alisah "knock dem boots"!
NOW that is what I am talking about unfinished business!!!
Alisha, pleassssse post an update with hubby's point of view. I'm dying to know if he read your post and what he thinks about it...
I think these responses prove one thing: we've all been rejected by someone at some point in our lives and the feeling SUCKS.
Thanks everyone for your comments.
I made sure my husband read this blog before I ever posted it. In fact, he's my best friend and a good editor, so I'll often have him read blogs before I post them.
He said he was fine with it. Plus, he knew about this ex-boyfriend when he and I first met, so it's not as if it came as a complete surprise.
A few of you asked if I would mind if my husband received a similar letter from an ex. I wouldn't mind at all because I'm secure in my marriage to know that it's a strong one, and also, that we both have ex-significant others. Getting married doesn't just delete your past.
Thanks again for reading.
Here's the deal. We talked about the blog before she posted it. I have no problem with it, her, or the past relationship. If I have no problem with it, no one else should have a problem with it. We all have things in the past that we wish we could do over, and do better, and this was one of those things with her. You wanted to know what I thought, and now you know.
Hooray, Alisha and Richard, for showing the doubters that there ARE married couples who can have this dialogue!
Thank you for the updates.
LOL this whole jib jab is a joke....
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