Monday, August 27, 2007

Why we want the taken ones

I met up with friends at a sports bar Saturday afternoon. I noticed in the room next door a group of men sat gathered 'round a table. Had to be at least a dozen. Curious, I snagged a cute waiter and asked him what was going on. Turns out the group was engrossed in a fantasy football draft. Spreadsheets and stuff spread all over the place.

Every now and then the group would take a break and some of the men would wander into our part of the bar. One guy in particular caught my eye. He was tall and fit, with salt-and-pepper hair, slightly craggy good looks and an easy grace about him. After he'd strolled by a couple times I decided to talk to him, invite him to join me and my friends for a chat. I was working up the nerve as he passed again, and that's when I saw it -- the glint of gold on his left hand.

Married. Damn.

You know what I said in my last entry about not getting involved with married men? I stand by it ... but that doesn't mean I wasn't cracking jokes with my friends, wondering aloud if that lovely man was happily married, and pondering slipping him my number in case he and his wife had problems. Oh, yes, we singles say things like that. Some are like me -- we talk a big game with friends, but would never actually follow through. But watch out, smugly marrieds, because some of us do follow through.

You know what makes married people so attractive? Their security. They already have a mate, so they're not stressin' over dates or "does she really like me?" or "why isn't he calling me?" or any of that stuff most single-and-mingling folks do. There's a self-confidence that comes with being off the market, knowing you've got somebody at home, or someone beside you. Think about it -- how many times have you heard people say once they're in a relationship, that's when they start getting hit on left and right? Or that just when they stopped caring, that's when Mr. or Ms. Right came along? I think there's something to be said for the "air of desperation"; people really can sense it. But just as desperation is a big turn-off, confidence and self-possession are a big turn-on.

You don't have to be married to cultivate such attributes; I think you just have to know what you want, be comfortable with yourself and be OK with being single. Because the second you decide you HAVE to have someone, you're desperate, and we can smell it all over you.

Ah, but when you do cultivate those qualities, people will start checking out your left ring finger for that tell-tale glint of a wedding band. Imagine how excited they'll be when they find it bare!


Anonymous said...

another thought, we always want what we can't have. If another person got him, then he must be really terrific, why else would she have married him. I want it too.
Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

"Smugly marrieds"? Damn, you have some issues.

Anonymous said...

So, you say that by your internal standards, you would never sleep with a married man. But you talk to your friends--you represent an opinion-- in a way that clearly implies the opposite.

Will the real Deirdre please stand up?

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you've decided you HAVE to have someone! Not all the good guys are taken, either!

Anonymous said...

Women want the taken ones because they are jealous creatures by nature. They see what some other woman has and then they want it...whether it be a man or jewelry or clothes or whatever. The list goes on and on. Women are more concerned with keeping up with each other and making each other jealous than anything else. It's a sick and twisted way to go through life but the reality is many women live this way.

Anonymous said...

Deidre, if you got to a point with the married man that he felt comfortable approaching you with exactly what he wanted to do to you, you had already let that relationship go too far. The sad thing is you will end up with a married man, then probably blame his wife for "not keeping him happy". Sad.

And yes, we CAN smell it on you.

Anonymous said...

Girl, does your shrink read these blogs? Please print out a copy take it to your next session. You definitely have issues!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't think Deirdre has "issues," based on what she has written in the blog....she's just telling it the way she sees it. As long as she isn't trying to actually date a married man, I think she's got her head on straight. Now, if in a few months, she actually writes she's involved with a married man and trying to justify it, then most definitely, we'd have to deal with her.

Will said...

Oh good Lord, you people need a Midol. She's simply doing what EVERYONE of you hypocrites are doing: looking around. My God, she actually made a JOKE about hitting on the guy. She's lucky you trolls let her outside without her burka.
Stop looking for crap to whine and complain about and go get a life.

Anonymous said...

I have been married and divorced and was hit on frequently single and when I was married. I asked one young lady that pursued me while I was married (I turned her down several times, never cheated) why she found me attractive. She said it was because I treated my wife so well that she knew if I was hers I would treat her that way too. I think many times its just about thinking someone else already test drove something you want and you can see how they might be with you. Best relationship tip is let friends or reasonable family hook you up with persons of like interests. Best relationship is my current one with my best friend's sister. You never know what you will find!