Co-workers spill about sex

I was standing at the mirror, combing my hair and listening to a sex addict describe an "average" day in a radio interview. It was as stomach churning as you might expect, but then the interviewer said the addict's name. My hand froze in mid-air as I stared into my own shocked eyes.

Hey! I worked with that dude at my last newspaper! He was a sex addict? And he wrote a book about it?!

Not only did he write a book -- "America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life" -- but he's the third journalist I worked with at that paper to spill their sexual business so publicly.

The first was a real jaw-dropper: The book "Mozart in the Jungle: Sex Drugs, and Classical Music." The author worked at the paper less than a year and had been gone awhile when the book editor urgently called us over to her desk to see the galley proof that arrived, unannounced, in the mail. Yeah, we knew this chick was a little kooky, but we had no idea that her past included ... ahem, quoting Publishers Weekly:

"By age 16, the author of this alternately piquant and morose memoir was dealing marijuana, bedding her instructors at a performing arts high school and studying the oboe. Later, her blossoming career as a freelance musician in New York introduced her to a classical music demimonde of cocaine parties and group sex that had her wondering why she 'got hired for so many of my gigs in bed ...' "

Yeah. WOW. You never really know the people you work with, do you?

Then last year the paper's former movie critic penned "Accidentally on Purpose: A One-Night Stand, My Unplanned Parenthood, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made." The book title says it all. I danced with her "mistake" -- a beautiful infant boy at the time -- to "I Will Survive" at a wedding.

But if baring the raw truth that her child was the result of sex with some random bar dude wasn't enough, she continued True Confession Time with a Modern Love essay for the New York Times. Entitled "Sexy Ribbon on the Buyout Package," in it she spilled about an affair she had with a co-worker that began when they met over drinks to discuss buyouts.

E-mails, texts and phone calls blazed across the country between present and former co-workers, primarily because, even though she didn't name the reporter, the description left no doubt as to who he was. Under subject lines and comments such as "OMG!" "WTF?" "Oh no she didn't!" and "They did it in the back seat of his car! Nasty!!" were discussions about the timing (Had he already filed for divorce when it started? Wait, was she the reason he filed?) and her state of mind (What was she thinking? Was this revenge? Why?)

WHY?

I guess the easy answer would be "because they can." You could say that's what journalists do: inform readers by telling good stories. That these stories were their own might make them more compelling.

I suppose it's what Alicia and I do, on a much less dramatic note: we try to engage and entertain readers by writing about things we've experienced, and maybe inspire rumination and conversation along the way. Truth is that A) my name and picture are on this blog, B) I have to face blog-skimming co-workers every day, and C) at my core I'm a good Southern girl who doesn't want to shame her mama. I might push the boundaries a little -- broken condom fears, talking about my friend Trouble, and my friend Gabrielle's visit to an orgy, among others -- and I'm sure I'll push them even more. But will I tell all, like my former co-workers? Nah. I still believe in the allure of mystery.

So, do you like being a mom?

It wasn't the question that threw me -- though it was a little personal, coming during a chat with a co-worker.

What bothered me was how long I hesitated before answering.

The question: "So, do you like being a mom?"

After an uncomfortable 20 or 30 seconds (that seemed like hours), the answer was -- and is -- yes. I think my kids are more magical than any other. I keep a journal of the funny and amazing things they do, because I know my memory of those moments will fail me as time passes. I tell way too many stories about them to people who care only tangentially (and listen politely).

But the answer also is this: I wasn't prepared for how hard it would prove to be both a parent and a person with her own identity; how exhausting it would be to have two little beings so completely dependent on me; how guilt-ridden I could become as I realized that trying to parent with a to-do list would only invite failure.

I told my co-worker that sometimes it was suffocating, but that it seemed to get more manageable every day -- most days.

It's probably been a year since that conversation. If asked the same question again, I don't think my answer would have a Part B -- again, not on most days.

And I wouldn't hesitate before saying yes.

But that I hesitated once -- the guilt of those seconds will stay with me for a long time.

What are you doing, Oprah?

This week, Oprah Winfrey disclosed that she has ballooned to 200 pounds. She details her troubles in the January issue of "O" magazine, which features an image of her fit, flat-tummied self next to her current curvier self, with the headline, "How did I let this happen again?" And in the magazine article she talks about how she wanted to hide during an "Oprah" episode with Tina Turner and Cher because she felt like "a fat cow."

Alicia: Talk about roller coaster relationships -- Oprah Winfrey really has to come to terms with her weight and what it means about who she is. Seems to me she keeps making the issue more public than it needs to be.

Deirdre: I'm glad you brought that up, because I have mixed feelings about what she's done. On one hand, millions of women -- including me -- can identify with her. This just shows she's human. On the other hand, there is some serious masochism going on.

Alicia: Really. It's not that she does it -- to a degree, she has to address issues like her weight head-on, because she's a celebrity. But, you're right, she does it in such a dramatic and self-deprecating way. Many, many people struggle with their weight. But I don't know if you can solve your problem by beating yourself up so much.

Deirdre: But, A, isn't that usually the first impulse -- to beat yourself up?

Alicia: I suppose that's true. And heaven knows I've kicked myself about stupid things I've done (including a run-in or two with a plate of hot wings). But she just keeps kicking herself in front of so many people -- some supportive, and some just dastardly -- almost setting herself up for failure.

Deirdre: It's interesting you say that, because what's the popular advice when you're trying to lose weight? Tell other people about it, as a way to hold yourself accountable and build a support system.

Alicia: I don't know, I've only seen that work when you tell a small group of people who you know will support your goal, and then you open up to others as you move toward your goal. Otherwise, don't you just get a lot of people asking you how it's going -- putting pressure on you, which stresses you out and drives you back to what you're trying to overcome?

Deirdre: I can tell you from personal experience the answer is "yes." But what I find poignant about this situation is that Oprah Winfrey is one of the richest, most powerful women in the world. And the struggle with food and her weight -- when she could hire any chef, trainer, or plastic surgeon -- is like her Achilles heel. So what hope is there for us peons?

Alicia: That's what I'm saying -- is she setting the example that could help those of us who can't afford to hire an army of experts to help us, let alone pay a monthly gym membership or Weight Watchers fee?

Deirdre: She has inspired millions over the years who have followed her struggle.

Alicia: Maybe you're right. She's showing her humanity. I just hope she can find a way to succeed for the long-term.

Deirdre: Well, I'm heartened by an excerpt I saw from her article: "My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold -- to be strong, and healthy and fit, to be itself ... My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me." That's a far cry from back in the day, when she went on a liquid diet to fit into size 10 jeans that were too small the next day.

Alicia: That whole thing was a circus -- and being healthy is the right goal. I hope we can learn a lot from her this time around.

Use Internet to research your dates?

The dreaded first date just ended. It went smoothly and you’re kicking yourself for being nervous. But before you pick up the cell to inform that handsome fella or gorgeous gal what a lovely time you had staring into their eyes … you first turn on your laptop.

That’s right. It’s time to get ol' Google rollin’ because you’ve got work to do.

With the onslaught of social networking sites, powerful search engine capabilities and access to more personal information than ever before, it seems more and more single people are flocking to the Internet to do their own “background checks” on potential dates.

I’ve talked with several singles lately that have uncovered startling facts just by spending a little time online, including: arrest records, messy divorce cases, children, spouses who are current and holes in people’s stories (i.e., he said he graduated from Dartmouth but his Facebook profile has Wake Technical Community College).

Now, I realize it’s been almost eight years since I was single, but I would have never thought to look up a potential significant other to see what I could unearth about his past. Then again, eight years ago in Web years is like when the caveman first rubbed two sticks together.

Are you using Facebook, MySpace, Ning, Twitter, Google, LexisNexis and a bevy of other sites to do background checks on your dates? If you are, and you find out some juicy information, is that a deal-breaker for you or do you bring up your self-explored research to your potential date? Tell us. Enquiring minds want to know.

Check this out: True Wife Confessions

Deirdre: A friend of mine turned me on to a Web site: True Wife Confessions (warning: graphic content). She's married and visits the site to see what other women are saying about their relationships. It's an intense site. Now that you've seen it, what do you think?
Alisha: W.O.W. Just spending 10 minutes reading through some of those confessions has evoked all kinds of feelings: shock, empathy, sadness, relief and ... I could keep going.
Deirdre: I know. That's how I felt as well.
Alisha: I wonder how many of them are sincere confessions?
Deirdre: That was my big question. I think there's an unspoken agreement between bloggers and readers that the blogger is being truthful. I don't lie or embellish on our blog and you don't either. But we're journalists. It goes against our nature to lie (and there are more of us than there are Jayson Blairs in our profession). Many people on the blogsphere might not be so conscientious.
Alisha: Some of the entries seem to be a very accurate depiction of how much a relationship can be a roller coaster of good and bad times.
Deirdre: Yeah, but most of the comments aren't suitable for non-adults -- there's talk of unsatisfying sex lives, child custody issues, adultery, abortions, people falling out of love -- or for everyday conversation, either. So what I appreciate about the site is that it gives women a place to vent their pain, anger, shame when they may not feel comfortable sharing such information with family members, a therapist or a minister.
Alisha: On the flip side, the success of the site seems to be a sad commentary that some women don't feel they can communicate their deepest and darkest feelings with their partner. I'd love to know how many men read the site, and how many of those are the husbands, boyfriends and friends of these women who post "anonymous" confessions.
Deirdre: Me too! But chicks would have to tell their men to go look. Dudes doing Google searches for "wife" and "confessions" are probably looking for something in see-through lingerie and stripper heels, not sentences like "Right after we got married, I wanted to divorce you."
Alisha: True, but I'm thinking that men are much smarter than we give them credit for. Thanks for the introduction to the site. I suggest you bookmark it, gals!