Edwards mess: People really think like this?

After returning from a trip down to Alabama this weekend for my 20-year high school reunion (I'll fill you in on that later), I was cleaning out my e-mail when I came across this from a co-worker:

"This is one of the comments on the Edwards story," she wrote. "It disgusts me."

Here's the comment:

"Big deal. The guy got a little outside action. I'm sure he loves his wife and kid and he is concerned about his wife's medical condition. Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife, just don't bring any STDs or unwanted babies home. I'm sure he paid the woman money, paid her rent, gave her hush money, etc. I'm sure she knew he was married. Get all you can Mr. Edwards, just be a little more careful next time."

Get all you can, Mr. Edwards? Are you kidding me?

I want someone to please explain this statement to me: "Nothing wrong with cheating on your wife." How can there be nothing wrong with betraying the trust of someone you supposedly love?

Readers, do you agree with this commenter? Is cheating on your spouse OK, as long as you don't bring home diseases and babies ... and you don't get caught?

Unsafe sex 'the new engagement ring'?

Hey, guys! I'm back from mourning the blog loss (sob!) of Alisha Hord, co-founder of We Can Relate. She has moved on to another gig, as most of us are wont to do, and I wish her and her hubby Richard all the best. Peace out, sister.

And now I've returned with lots of stuff for us to talk about! Let's start with a little day brightener (NOT!), courtesy of Trendcentral.com:

"Pendarvis Harshaw, an Oakland (Calif.)-based teen, recently sparked a slew of controversy with his public radio essay which stated that in his social circle, 'sex without a condom is the new engagement ring.' "

Yeah, parents. Shudder at the thought. Trendcentral continues:

"(Harshaw) said that for a generation who has grown up with safe sex education and divorced parents, the real symbol of trust, love and commitment has nothing to do with walking down the aisle; the ultimate oath is letting your guard down in the face of potentially life-long consequences. While we don't condone this behavior, or claim that such activity is true across the board (hey, the Jonas Brothers are still wearing their purity rings), we have been hearing from young people that safety and protection -- both physical and emotional -- are the issues that concern them most about relationships and dating."

Man, oh man, oh man.

Just because those cute Jonas Brothers boys wear those rings, that doesn't stop them from being the biggest gigolos on Nickelodeon. They probably aren't, but I'm just sayin'. And once again, I'm thankful not to be the parent of a teenager, because that has got to be the hardest job there is. How do you convince a 16-year-old in the throes of first love that using condoms IS the best way to express that love? Not only are you protecting yourself, but your beloved from unplanned pregnancies and STDs. (Have you seen this week's news about AIDS? And NPR's "Talk of the Nation" had a segment yesterday that'll make you want to go get an HIV test right now. Remember: It's not how much sex you've had, but who you've had sex with. Public Service Announcement over.)

I believe that safety and protection are the issues that most concern teens about dating and relationships; after all, they're pressing issues for us adults as well. But having unprotected sex -- at no matter what age -- flies in the face of such concerns. You're just opening yourself up to a whole new mess of worries.

Use Internet to research your dates?

The dreaded first date just ended. It went smoothly and you’re kicking yourself for being nervous. But before you pick up the cell to inform that handsome fella or gorgeous gal what a lovely time you had staring into their eyes … you first turn on your laptop.

That’s right. It’s time to get ol' Google rollin’ because you’ve got work to do.

With the onslaught of social networking sites, powerful search engine capabilities and access to more personal information than ever before, it seems more and more single people are flocking to the Internet to do their own “background checks” on potential dates.

I’ve talked with several singles lately that have uncovered startling facts just by spending a little time online, including: arrest records, messy divorce cases, children, spouses who are current and holes in people’s stories (i.e., he said he graduated from Dartmouth but his Facebook profile has Wake Technical Community College).

Now, I realize it’s been almost eight years since I was single, but I would have never thought to look up a potential significant other to see what I could unearth about his past. Then again, eight years ago in Web years is like when the caveman first rubbed two sticks together.

Are you using Facebook, MySpace, Ning, Twitter, Google, LexisNexis and a bevy of other sites to do background checks on your dates? If you are, and you find out some juicy information, is that a deal-breaker for you or do you bring up your self-explored research to your potential date? Tell us. Enquiring minds want to know.

This NFL owner gets it

I was at lunch Uptown with a coworker the other day and in walked Carolina Panthers majority owner Jerry Richardson. He’s not only easy to recognize (foxy grey hair and a former football player’s build), but he’s also a well-known figure in this town. In fact, he couldn’t eat his lunch without people interrupting him.

I’ve been a sports journalist for many years and seeing athletes and personalities up close is not really a big deal, but the more I thought about it, the more impressed I became that this multi-millionaire was out at a hole-in-the-wall type of restaurant. Sure, he’s gotta eat, like we all do, but he could also exclusively stay to the more upper-crust type of restaurants and never mingle among the commoners, if you will.

It immediately made me think about relationships, and how I’d like to believe Mr. Richardson deems it important to be seen as part of the fabric of this community. It builds on that trust factor that when an NFL owner says he or she cares about the fans, then there’s some tangible proof his word holds true. Relationships are nothing without trust, no matter if it’s between a man and a woman, a dog and his owner or a public figure and the city.

Oh, and how many times have you seen Charlotte Bobcats owner Bob Johnson eating out at a local BBQ joint?

Trust without a truth serum

I stumbled across this and since trust is an issue that often comes up in relationships, I decided to share it.

After 50, 'openness' shouldn't require a truth serum

By Dr. Joel Block
LetLifeIn.com via McClatchy-Tribune News Services

Some time ago, I was riffling through The New York Times Book Review and something caught my eye. It was a work of fiction, a fascinating account of openness between a man and a woman.

Here's the story: A married man of 30 years spots a woman, who is also married, at a party. He writes her a letter proposing an affair. It is not to be the usual affair in that they will never meet, nor have any contact outside of correspondence.

They will not even hear each other's voices, because as the man states in his letter, "even a voice is too real for the hallucination I want to have with you." Their written contact will also be quite out of the norm. The relationship he is suggesting is one that will be fully and uninhibitedly open.
His letter suggests that, "We could be like two people who inject themselves with truth serum and at long last have to tell it, the truth. I want to be able to say to myself, 'I bled truth with her,' yes, that's what I want. Be a knife for me, and I, I swear, will be a knife for you."

It occurs to me that it would be extraordinary if the man had proposed the "truth serum" approach to his wife. Now there's an idea that sounds both exciting and terrifying. I suspect that many of us have, somewhere in our psyche, the hunger to be fully known and accepted -- even those, especially those, that hold up their hand in protest.

The secret wish we have is to have one more chance to be like that small child who puts it all out there without self-consciousness; to have nothing significant to defend, no secrets to hide, no tension about "being found out." It would be wonderful to feel secure enough to be able shout, "This is who I am, and I can embrace all of me!"

This desire is probably a hidden reason behind going into therapy for many people. The obvious reason is to deal with a presenting problem. The less obvious reason is to be known, to oneself and to another.

Of course, seeing a psychologist is relatively safe. It is like the affair proposed above. The disclosures occur between two people (although in the case of psychotherapy, it is mostly one-way) whose lives do not intersect outside of a limited context.

To even the most casual observer of couples it is apparent that the kind of experience that occurs in the affair described above is not one that most married people have with each other -- not even close.

We've all heard of the man or woman who "spills their guts" to an anonymous stranger on a plane, or in some other situation where the contact is temporary and the listener is not part of our day-to-day life. And that is the point, after giving the other person a glimpse into your soul you don't have to see them or worry about some lasting judgment they have made.

In the fantasy account, the man is taking special precautions to make the experience as impersonal as possible while he shares the most personal aspects of himself.

Loving without reservation, letting another person -- someone who you have to face the next day and everyday -- view you emotionally naked takes a degree of faith, self-awareness and, perhaps more than anything, courage. It is the courage to believe in yourself enough to be revealing and to tolerate how naked and unsettled the intensity of the experience leaves us feeling.

It requires that you accept yourself, your humanness, including shortcomings; that with your imperfections you are still worthwhile. You have to take responsibility for your feelings and regard yourself enough to express them.

It is a refusal to tolerate your own self-deceptions and to face your deepest truths. Doing this with your love partner is like walking a razor's edge. It is not for the faint of heart and it doesn't make life easier or painless. It just makes life sweeter and the pain more meaningful.

Do you dare to look into yourself and without reservation share what you find with the person you sleep with regularly? Are you willing to face yourself and your lover each day? Like anything that is worthwhile, it is not without risks.

Nowhere is more gained or lost, more lessons learned or energy squandered than in love relationships. And nothing teaches us so much about others and ourselves as living authentically with another person.

Is it OK to lie in a relationship?

Alisha: So, after you've been dating someone for awhile, when is it fine to start fudging the truth -- or is it ever a good idea?
Deirdre: I don't think it's ever OK, but sometimes it's a necessary evil.
Alisha: Totally agree. I know one such instance is the, "Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?" I'm sure some men, OK, maybe most men, lie when responding to their significant other.
Deirdre: Whenever I ask my man a question like that, I ask because I value his opinion and I really want to know. I say if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. It's not fair to force people to lie to make you feel better.
Alisha: So if your man said, "Yes, you look bad" in four different pairs of pants, do you honestly think he's gonna say it a fifth time? My husband refuses to answer the question period, no matter how many times or ways I ask.
Deirdre: That's because society has trained men that it's a question that'll get them into trouble.
Alisha: But that's where a lot of "lying" comes from, these "trouble area" questions. I think some folks would rather just chalk it up to a white lie rather than sleep on the couch for the week. I bet it happens more than we think.
Deirdre: If I had my way, I would never lie in my relationships. But sometimes ... you have to do it to avoid hurt feelings. Those are the little lies we might tell our mates. But BIG lies -- no way. Like, leaving out first husbands, or babies given up for adoption, or sexually transmitted diseases -- you gotta come clean on stuff like that.
Alisha: It depends on the severity of the issue. STDs - um, yeah, no hiding that. I could see where a woman might never tell her husband she gave up a baby for adoption. That's part of her past, not his, and if she sees it having no direct impact on their relationship, then why give up something that private?
Deirdre: I believe the things we do now make us who we are later. That might be part of her past, but it's still part of the person she is now. It's important for her partner to know that about her. We're talking about babies, but let's take one step back and talk sexual partners. I'm sure plenty shave off (or add) the number of people they've slept with. I tell the truth, and I want to know the truth, even if I might not like it. How do you feel about it?
Alisha: You should be as honest as possible. When it's something that directly affects your partner, then there should be nothing but the truth.
Deirdre: What bothers me is I know men and women who lie so much in relationships, they don't even realize they're doing it anymore, y'know? They say everything is fine when it's not. They say they are happy when they're not. They do things they don't want to do, but say they want to. All so they can keep a partner. What they don't realize is that every time they don't tell the truth, they lose a little of themselves.
Alisha: That's because those people don't put themselves first. They allow their partner to define who they are, and that's a shame. Be honest with yourself and with others.

What do you think, readers? Is lying acceptable in your relationship?