Hey man, it happened for a reason

I'm a firm believer in the old adage: "Everything happens for a reason."

Think about it. Often when you feel like nothing is going your way, something happens -- you find a wadded-up $20 in the laundry, you run into that cute crush in the grocery store, or you ace the exam you studied a mere 10 minutes for. Some might call it a stroke of luck or perhaps mere coincidence, but I believe all of these little signs happen for a reason.

The past couple of months have brought about more than enough reminders that with a little patience, even good things come around sooner or later.

Below are a few examples from my life. I'd love to hear yours because it's encouraging to know that through the tribulations of life, there's a piece of good that comes out of every downturn.

1. No job -- finding renewed confidence: My husband lost his job in late October 2006. Now, after much emotional as well as financial sacrifice, he has a job he really enjoys and one that has great promise for the future.

2. Exes be gone -- for good: A friend of mine reconnected with an ex recently. When he saw her for the first time in many months, he learned some valuable information that made him thankful he never took the relationship to the next level. Who needs a woman that doesn't truly love you for who you are, right?

3. Burning bridges -- never a good thing: Have you ever had a boss who never should have been made a manager? And you wanted to tell them off, but you didn't want it to follow you the rest of your life? I have. And I recently learned that old boss will cross my path again because our companies have merged. It's a good thing I bit my tongue and turned the other cheek.

What is sexy?

Alisha: Have you ever met someone and thought, "Wow, he (or she) was really sexy?" It happened to me Saturday night when my husband, a co-worker and I went out to a Park Road Shopping Center hangout. I moseyed up to the bar and this guy next to me smiled and asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him no thanks (I was ordering for the group and didn't think it very southern belle-ish of me to ask him to buy three drinks). Though an older gentleman, he had baby dimples and his Portuguese accent made my knees buckle. It was so sexy!
Deirdre: YUM! Men with accents get me every time. In a movie I watched recently there was a scene where the main couple almost kissed. The guy was all up in the chick's personal space, but he didn't go for the kill because he knew she was unsure. He was giving her a chance to say no ... or yes. That was sexy.
Alisha: No doubt anticipation is a turn-on. How about a guy, with a good smile, walking his puppy at the park? That's hot.
Deirdre: You're walking down the street and you catch a whiff of cologne that smells so dee-lish, you almost give yourself whiplash looking around for who it belongs to. I LOVE a good-smellin' man!
Alisha: I would never get a tattoo on the small of my back, however, there is something quite sexy about a small, almost dainty-type tramp stamp.
Deirdre: Speaking of women, I watch boxer Laila Ali on "Dancing With the Stars" and I'm totally envious of her body. Strong is sexy.
Alisha: So is intelligence. Keith Olbermann is not exactly my idea of a hunk, but his depth of knowledge (especially his sports proficiency) makes him, and others with that breadth of IQ, instant cuties.
Deirdre: Amen! And please make passes, you boys who wear glasses!

Readers, don't be shy -- let us know what you think is sexy!

'The Namesake' will move you

I went to see a very touching movie yesterday, called "The Namesake." It really stayed with me, and I want to recommend it.

A quick plot summary, courtesy of Yahoo! Movies:

"When the the Ganguli family moves from Calcutta to New York, they embark upon a lifelong balancing act to meld into a new world without forgetting the old. Though parents Ashoke and Ashima long for the family and culture that enveloped them in India, they take great pride in the opportunities their sacrifices have afforded their children. Paradoxically, their son Gogol is torn between finding his own unique identity without losing his heritage. Even Gogol's name represents the family's journey into the unknown."

While the movie (based on a novel by Jhumpa Lahiri) tells the story of this family, it also tells the story of many families -- the relationships between parents and children, husbands and wives, our connections with our friends and our co-workers. It's about the pain of love affairs that fail and the joy and excitement of love that can be exchanged in a simple glance. And, as the title implies, it's about our individual histories -- where we come from, what it means to us, and how we choose (or refuse) to honor it.

Dudes, while there is no gun fire and no car chases, it's still an engrossing movie you can go see with your girl without feeling like you're stuck in a chick flick. Besides, one of the main themes of the movie is a father's relationship with his son. (And the movie's women are beautiful.) Ladies, there's romance and passion to make you sigh and tragedy and regrets to make you cry, all played out on a background of luscious India and fascinating New York.

But most of all, "The Namesake" will make you re-examine your own family -- and don't be surprised if you suddenly want to tell them how much you love them.

My boy friend has a girlfriend

My best male friend lives here in Charlotte. In a weird twist of fate, we knew each other for years in California and then moved to Charlotte, totally independent of each other, about six weeks apart.

It's been awesome having him here. He's become the big brother I never had. He knows things about me my husband, if I ever get married, will probably never know. We supported each other through our homesickness for California, and have learned about Charlotte together. He's always been there when I needed him, and I hope I've been able to fulfill the same role for him.

Here's the thing: Now he's got a girlfriend. Our relationship has totally changed.

I'm sure it was gradual, but "suddenly," it seemed, he wasn't home when I called, 'cause he was with his girlfriend. And if he was home, I couldn't come over to hang out because he was on his way out to meet the girlfriend. Dinner tonight? Sorry, already having dinner with the girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled for him. I know how much finding a woman to care about means to him; we've had long discussions late into the night about relationships and what we want out of them. I've listened to tale after horrible (and hilarious) tale about his hit-and-mostly-miss dating life. So when he met this chick and they clicked, I was totally stoked. (And before you think it, NO, I'm not interested in him romantically. He's like my brother, remember? Are you attracted to your brother? Didn't think so.)

I was happy, but still ... the diva in me was pouting. And she came out in the tackiest way possible: On my cell phone, as I waited to catch a flight at the airport.

We were chatting along when he mentioned his girl, and I couldn't stop myself. By this time I was feeling neglected and had been stewing over it for a couple days.

"I'm upset!" I blurted out. And at that point, there was no turning back. I told him how I felt, eavesdropping passengers be damned. (From now on I may cut people having difficult cell conversations some slack, because lord knows I didn't mean to air my dirty laundry.) I told him I realized I had gotten used to having him at my beck and call, and the transition was hard for me. I told him I was happy for him in his new relationship, and I understood we would be spending less time together, but that I also didn't want him to forget our friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and was glad I confided in him. He said even though he had a new woman in his life, no one would ever take my place in his heart. He promised that we would still spend time together.

He's been true to his word. Now if he doesn't hear from me, he calls every few days just to check in. We still have dinners and long conversations, but we've gotten better at scheduling them. Our friendship isn't as spontaneous as it used to be, but our time together is quality time.

The diva in me is satisfied.

Sometimes, a friendship is really over

Deirdre: I have a quandary. I used to be close friends with a woman I'd known since childhood. A few years ago, we had a falling out and stopped speaking to each other. Now my grandmother, who lives in the same town as this woman, is telling me I need to rekindle the friendship. She sees my ex-friend and thinks she doesn't look happy. She thinks I should take the first step.
Alisha: And, you're not wanting to heed your grandmother's advice, huh?
Deirdre: No. First of all, she doesn't know the whole story between us. Second, it's like I'd be trying to make up because I felt sorry for my ex-friend, and I think that's an insulting thing to do. Third, sometimes, friendships just ... end.
Alisha: Your final point is right on the money. Sometimes friendships just end -- especially if this friendship you're talking about concluded in a never-talk-again argument. So what if this woman called you up and wanted to be friends again? Would your thoughts change?
Deirdre: Actually, I think she kinda did. Out of the blue, she sent me an e-mail. It was one of those jokes or "beware, this might happen to you!!" things that people forward. She included me on a list of people she forwarded it to. Does that count as a first move?
Alisha: Mmmm. Maybe for some people but I don't think so. If it was, it was more so her opening the door, yet wanting you to take action. Can you sleep at night knowing she's no longer in your life? I say if you can, then you should leave things as they are.
Deirdre: I sleep just fine. When our friendship ended, we were to the point where we were toxic to each other. Why would I want to subject myself to that again? But all my grandma sees is a person who seems miserable and she wants me to make it better. But she's not thinking about what it would do to ME.
Alisha: Would you be open to calling up your friend one time to ask how things are going and then end it there? That way you've reached out to this woman but haven't really tried to rekindle the friendship, and you make your grandma happy at the same time?
Deirdre: I don't think it's possible, or fair, to do something like that. Have you done it before?
Alisha: Well, not to please my grandmother! ... Yes, I no longer talk with my best friend from my childhood because our lives just took two very different paths. I would call her up just to chat. She would do the same thing. We both realized we're just two very different people now. And we never had a BIG blowup, and that's where your situation differs.
Deirdre: I've changed even more since the friendship ended, which is why I think calling this woman would be a mistake. My grandmother thinks friends then, friends now, friends forever. I hope I can make her understand it can't always be that way. We can talk about this, my grandma and I -- she's very cool. And gets way more dates than I do!
Alisha: I say you stand your ground, tell your grandma how you feel and leave it at that. It's not her who has to face your friend. Sometimes, we do all we can do and there just isn't anything left.
Deirdre: Or maybe, sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing.

Balancing act: Friends and lovers

So you call up your best friend, and you ask him to go to the bar with you. Hey, it’s been awhile since you guys have hung out – just the boys, drinking, laughing, playing trivia – and you’re dying to get out of the house and leave the stresses of bills, work and family alone for a couple of hours.

When you get your buddy on the phone, he tells you he and his girlfriend are going to dinner and then are going to the movies. That’s fine – no problem. OK, how about tomorrow night, you ask. Nope, won’t work – the lovebirds have concert tickets already. So, getting desperate yet at the same time understanding that your friend is totally gaga over his new chick, you ask if next Saturday is doable. His reply? Her parents are in town. Geez!

Bottom line: Your buddy and his girlfriend won’t spend any time apart because they’re glued at the hip. Your role as the friend (or third wheel) just isn’t that important now that they have each other.

I’ve always wondered how often friendships are derailed because of a relationship. Can the friendship ever be truly repaired when it’s been put on an indefinite hold?

The worst is the lovey-dovey stage when a couple first meet and they ache to be around the other 24-7. But once the relationship grows more serious and breaks out of the spend-every-waking-moment with the significant other, then where does the best friend come in?

Some people can handle having best friends while at the same time having a serious relationship. Others, not so much.

I think the key to balancing it all is to be honest with your intentions and with yourself, and to make those parties aware of your own feelings. At least do your friend a favor and let him know your girl comes first rather than keep him guessing.

A night in NoDa

A friend and I recently attended an art/spoken word/food/music/mingling event at Dolce Vita wine bar in NoDa. I'll be sure to mention it here the next time the organizers plan one, because I'm often asked where folks of a certain age (meaning older than 25) can hang out and meet available people in Charlotte.

I'll mention this event not only because it's within easy bar/restaurant hopping distance of other places, but because the guys behind this are trying to build an environment, especially for black people, where folks don't have to scream at each other over loud hip-hop, or maneuver around couples doing the kind of dancing that can get girls pregnant. They want to provide a chill vibe where people can just come and hang out, nibble on some goodies, drink some wine, listen to some neo-soul and chat with others who actually remember the '80s and weren't born during them.

There's a pretty diverse group of people hanging out in NoDa, but there still manages to be segregation, and I don't really understand that. Maybe it's because I spent so many years in California, where everywhere you went, from the grocery store to the mall, there were at least 10 ethnic groups represented. But that night in Dolce Vita I sat on a comfy sofa near the window and watched people stroll by. It was a warm night, unlike the arctic freeze we're shivering through now, and the doors to the bar were open. Soothing music floated out, along with the chatter of people enjoying themselves. Numerous times I watched couples and groups of white folks walk by, slowing as they looked inside, drawn by the music and the laughter ... then, when they saw it was a crowd of well-dressed black people, continued walking. On a few occasions groups would stop and discuss it among themselves, and on some of their faces I saw curiosity and yearning, and I would silently send the message, "just walk in and have a drink. What could it hurt?" But none did. One white guy walked in and stayed, but by the way he perused the wine shelves and hung out at the bar, he obviously felt comfortable because he was a regular.

I know I sound like Rodney King here, but really, can't we all just get along? I don't think I'm being naive here. If you like the vibe of a place, why not check it out? (And before you come out with something like, "you're not from the South, so you wouldn't understand," let me add that before I went to California I spent my entire life in the South -- born and raised in Alabama.) Anyway, I had a good time, and I told the main organizer to e-mail me when they have another event.

I look back over what I've written here, and I see there's two points I'm trying to make, yet I might not be clear. So how 'bout this?

1) There are people in town (and these guys aren't the only ones) trying to provide an alternative to the young club scene for black people.

2) Just because the focus is black people, that doesn't mean everyone else is excluded. If you pass a place and it looks fun, why not go in?

A sex symbol who hated sex?

Deirdre: Interesting note in Anna Nicole Smith's diary: "I hate for men to want sex all the time. I hate sex anyway ..."
Alisha: I find it hard to believe Anna Nicole hated sex.
Deirdre: Really? I don't.
Alisha: Yeah, because you don't have affairs just to discuss the latest cover of People magazine. She had lots of men, some even married. You don't cross that line if you don't like sex.
Deirdre: You do if you equate sex with love, even though you hate the act itself.
Alisha: I think it's all a farce, and that was probably a big word and concept for Anna Nicole to understand. She didn't hate the act of making love to someone -- what she likely hated was how she felt in her loose ways or how others judged her because of it.
Deirdre: I disagree completely. I doubt if she knew what "making love" was. I believe she suffered what many women suffer from: extremely low self-esteem. And that carried over into the bedroom. Sure, men wanted her -- thousands upon thousands of men wanted her -- but could she fulfill their fantasies? She probably looked in the mirror, and where we would see a gorgeous body, she only saw the flaws.
Alisha: I have no doubts about someone's low self-esteem contributing to his or her clouded decision-making, however, I find it extremely hard to believe a woman is going to bed X amount of men and not somewhat enjoy the act.
Deirdre: Girl, porn stars do it all the time. And beauty can be a double-edged sword. In her case, she was all about looking beautiful for men. That was her bread and butter and rent money. Sex was probably part of the package in most cases. If she felt like it was something she HAD to do, not something she wanted to do, of course she wouldn't enjoy it. Also, if that's all men wanted when they were around her, it would get old pretty fast.
Alisha: I guess I liken it to, if you hate to cook, you're not gonna go out and enroll at Johnson & Wales. If Anna hated sex, she's not going to seek out men who are married.
Deirdre: Can you say "sugar daddy"?
Alisha: She had to have found aspects of sex exciting in order to continually do it, otherwise she would have just been arm candy. Again, married men aren't into arm candy.
Deirdre: Of COURSE they are!
Alisha: But JUST arm candy? Arm only?
Deirdre: Heh. Maybe not.

Should we keep exes in our lives?

Alisha: I have a girlfriend who makes a point to stay in touch, even though she's married, with her ex-boyfriends. She thinks it's important to be friends still.
Deirdre: WHY?!
Alisha: Because they shared portions of her life and they meant something special to her. ... I can see her points. I'd like to stay in touch with one of my exes but he prefers not to have anything to do with me because it's "too hard" for him.
Deirdre: Girl, there are men in my past that I wish would just fall off the planet. But I have to say, while I wish most of my exes the best in life, I really don't want to have a relationship with them.
Alisha: You can never have too many friends in this world. And there are so many varying levels of friends, that there's got to be a place for exes in there.
Deirdre: Tell me this: Does your friend's husband have a problem with his wife still calling and e-mailing old boyfriends? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, she could be mistaken for keeping backups in case the man she has doesn't work out.
Alisha: As far as I know ... the husband knows and has met all the exes, and he's totally cool with it. They're secure in their relationship. It's all about not letting go of the person as a friend, and leaving the person as a lover in the past.
Deirdre: I can't say I agree with your friend's decision. While I admire her ability to end her intimate relationships on sanguine enough terms to still be friends, I question the need to keep all those men in her life. And I wonder what effect the presence of her emotional past will have on her marriage.
Alisha: I think it just comes down to some people can delineate friendships from sexual relationships of old. If her and her husband is OK with it, then, what's the bid deal?
Deirdre: It's not the sex that worries me. It's the emotional connections.
Alisha: Why? With every person we befriend, we're going to establish some type of connection, even on the platonic level. Why can't two people understand and accept the way things are?
Deirdre: Lish, it's always fun to talk to you, because at some point I usually wind up saying this: You're being logical. When it comes to matters of the heart, logic often takes a back seat. I think most of us know the right thing to do, the logical thing to do. But you can't control how you feel.
Alisha: That's my point, though. If person A is married and she wants to be friends -- and friends only -- with her exes, then, what's the issue? She's controlling how she feels by saying, they're just friends.
Deirdre: I can understand wanting to remain on good terms with an ex. But once it's over, I think it might be best to leave the past in the past. Am I saying ignore that person if you pass them on the street? No. But making a point to keep in touch with someone because you once had a romantic thing with them is not the answer. Your friend wants to keep these men in her life because they meant something special to her. MEANT. It's like there's a part of her that will always be looking backwards, not ahead.
Alisha: What's that saying, "Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it." ... Totally dropping your exes just because they're labeled as an ex is disrespectful to him or her as a person. Now, if things ended on bad terms - for either person - that's a different story.
Deirdre: You make some excellent points. But I say you can learn from your past without keeping it in your present. And you and your partner can agree you don't belong together and amicably go your separate ways. Do I think exes can remain friends? Sure. I guess the point I want to make is, question motives. Why do you really want to keep this person in your life? And why do they want to stay? A little introspection can save a lot of wounded feelings.
Alisha: The key is to be honest with yourself, your significant other and your exes. If you are, and you communicate those feelings then there's nothing wrong with keeping exes as friends.

Premarital counseling: Waste of time or real-life benefit?

I have three good friends who are tying the knot this year, and they all seem to have the same concerns and stresses I had when I was about to get married: How will we pay for this? Should there be disposable cameras at the reception? Will our parents go for an open bar – on their tab? The list goes on and on, especially if you’re the bride!

One topic of discussion is premarital counseling.

Most premarital education is mandated when two individuals are to be married by a religious adviser. Each denomination has varying requirements; some want couples to take a year-long course with lots of homework (yes … homework!), and others prefer at least two meetings to discuss the ceremony and to make sure the couple is on the same page.

My husband and I had to go through the latter. We spent one afternoon meeting with our reverend and that fulfilled all of our counseling duties. During those couple of hours she quizzed us about several important topics, such as our perspective on our financial priorities, our feelings on starting a family and our overall goals for the relationship. I felt our session was productive in that we had an objective person going over some heavy questions that needed to be confirmed out loud.

Do I think my relationship was forever altered – in a positive or negative way – by our premarital counseling? No; my husband and I had already discussed most of what was asked of us. But would I recommend a couple go through such scrutiny before saying “I do?” Yes; it couldn’t hurt in case you hadn’t previously discussed some of the hypothetical situations.

Readers, I'd love to hear more about your experiences. How was your premarital counseling set up? Has it paid off for you? Would you encourage engaged couples to go through it?

And you think we've got problems!

I was listening to a BBC News roundup the other night while driving home, and particular story snagged my attention.

In Tokyo, there's a group called the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association that's dedicated to changing members' bad marital habits in order to save their marriages. Their Three Principles of Love, which members chant over and over: Saying "sorry" without fear, saying "thank you" without hesitation and saying "I love you" without shame.

Whoa.

Sure, a lot of this might be driven by the change in Japan's pension rules, which allow women to claim up to half of their husband's pension if they divorce. Said divorce adviser Hiromi Ikeuchi: "In Japan, 75 percent of all divorces are initiated by women. They're waiting because if they plan to get divorced anyway they want to wait so they get part of the pension. They've been waiting for three or four years, ever since the government announced it was changing the law."

So come April, when the change takes effect, there'll be a lot of Japanese husbands in for a nasty surprise. But I've gotta believe that many men, like the members of the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association, are waking up to the fact that the way they treat their wives is not right -- and just because they behave in the way their fathers did, and their grandfathers did, and so on, doesn't make their behavior acceptable now.

Shuichi Amano, who founded the association in 1999 (after his wife threatened to divorce him) says men don't know how to communicate well because they don't have experience initiating relationships and communicating with others, and have only been trained to achieve in the workplace and to be loyal to the company. So, yeah, Japanese men have decades of learned behavior to overcome, and the fact that some of them are making sincere attempts to alter their behavior now is admirable.

The National Chauvinistic Husband's Association ranks each member according to the level of sensitivity in marital relations he has achieved, and I find these levels to be quite telling. Keep in mind that only one of the hundreds of members has made it to Level 10.

Level 1: Is still in love with his wife after three years of marriage.
Level 2: Does a good job helping with housework.
Level 3: Has never cheated on his wife -- or his wife has never caught him cheating.
Level 4: Can practice a "ladies first" policy.
Level 5: Can take a walk with his wife while holding hands.
Level 6: Can listen to his wife seriously.
Level 7: Can solve problems between his wife and his mother in one night.
Level 8: Can say "thank you" without hesitation.
Level 9: Can say "sorry" without fear.
Level 10: Can say "I love you" without embarrassment.

Kinda makes you want to call your partner right now and shout "I LOVE YOU!!!" for all to hear, doesn't it?

You have a crush - and it's not your partner!

A co-worker recently presented us with this dilemma:

"A friend of mine is in a committed relationship, but is attracted to this other chick who's also in a committed relationship. All four know each other, and it's obvious when my friend is around them that he's nervous. What would you do? Try to hide it? 'Fess up?

"I told him to tell the other couple that he has a crush on the girl, but it's nothing more than that. But, don't tell his own partner because his girlfriend is jealous and wouldn't want them to hang out anymore."

Alisha: Quite the dilemma, and I bet it's one that comes up more often than we think - especially for those of us who tend to gravitate toward groups of people when we go out.
Deirdre: I agree. Whether you're in a committed relationship or not, you can't help who you're attracted to. It's whether you act on that attraction that makes the difference.
Alisha: Which means drinking around said attraction is a bad idea! That's when you might lose control of your actions. So the question is, try to hide it or should one fess up to his desires? What would you do?
Deirdre: I would ride it out. The thing about crushes is, they're transitory. They're often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.
Alisha: I'm with you on this but for a different reason. If you're in a committed relationship, then you're just that - committed to each other. You shouldn't be macking on someone else. To notice one's beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.
Deirdre: Would you hide your attraction to someone else from your husband, or confess it?
Alisha: Confess it. Plus, there's a difference between admiring one's beauty and having a crush on someone. As a married person who is totally in love with my spouse, I'm not going to develop a crush. I am, however, open to fully admitting who I think is hot.
Deirdre: And your husband is OK with that? Does he do the same?
Alisha: Oh yeah! It's in our nature to notice if someone is attractive. Anyone who doesn't notice or stare at a gorgeous person is lying about it or totally kidding themselves.
Deirdre: Did you notice our co-worker suggested telling the other couple about the attraction, but not to tell the guy's own jealous girlfriend? What a way to imperil the friendship. And that chick is gonna want to cut somebody when she finds out -- and you KNOW she'll find out. If this is going to be discussed, it should be with one's partner, not the partner's friends.
Alisha: Your partner should be the first to know, no doubt about it.
Deirdre: However, I contend that if you know A) you have a harmless crush, no more, and B) such information will hurt your partner, why tell them?
Alisha: If it's truly harmless, what's the harm in telling?
Deirdre: Girl, you're being rational. Jealousy is an irrational emotion.
Deirdre: But I have to add that if your crush doesn't eventually go away, or you find yourself developing deeper feelings for that person, it's a warning sign that there may be a problem in your relationship. And that DOES need to be discussed.
Alisha: That's the point. There should be communication going on from the start. Your partner shouldn't be finding out you've developed crushes on people after months of drooling.

How honest should you be on a first date?

A dear family friend posed a question to me a few weeks back. Let’s set the scene so you can understand her inquiry:

A 58-year-old divorced woman is on the dating scene. She’s a gorgeous mother of two children, owns her own business and has quite the nest egg in the bank. An old friend of a friend hooks her up with a southern widower, age 61. They meet at a fine restaurant and share several glasses of white wine.

As most first dates go, the conversation is a volley of getting-to-know-you questions. She asks this former Baptist preacher what happened to his beloved wife of 30 years. He explains how she had cancer and he, with great love and little regret, took care of her for eight years before she died. Almost a decade he spent by her side, feeding and bathing this terminally ill woman, the apple of his eye.

The question and answer session then turns toward the woman. After hearing her date’s story, she is at a loss for words.

You see – this woman has cancer.

She isn’t sure of what to say or if she should be honest with him about her health. What man in his right mind would want to date a woman who could possibly end up just like his wife, she thinks.

That night, she elected to gloss over the fact she has cancer. She didn’t want to overwhelm him, and she hoped he would pursue a follow-up date. But, she is currently pondering with a heavy heart her blatant omission.

She didn’t want to scare him away. Can you blame her, though? Most folks would probably run – and why not? This is the first date and it’s the best time to do it, certainly not after 10 dates when you’ve already met the family and feelings are now deeply burned into everything you do.

So, to her question of how honest one should be on the first date – easy answer. No lies, no omissions and no twisting of truth. If someone doesn’t accept you for you, then you’re better off without that person.

I'm a sucker for schmaltz

There's a certain aspect of my personality that I'm reveling in right now, thanks to a singer named Omarion. It's the part of me that loves schmaltzy pop ballads.

Have you heard Omarion's song, "Ice Box"? It's a doozy. Basically, Omarion is in this relationship that he really wants to salvage, right? But he was hurt -- hurt bad -- by the last woman he gave his heart to. So now he's having problems with the current chick -- even though she gets along great with his mom, his dad, his friends (hey, I'm just paraphrasing lyrics here) -- because he's scared he'll get hurt again.

The kicker is the chorus:

I got this ice box where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this ice box where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

ICE BOX?! How old school is that? My great-grandma used to refer to the refrigerator as the ice box. And he's so cold, so cold, so cold, so ...

We GET it, dude.

The song is stupid. But it's also irresistibly catchy. And while the lyrics are corny, the underlying emotion -- fear of giving your heart to someone, only to have it stomped on and kicked back to you -- is universal. Plus, you've got a guy like Omarion, who's not hard on the eyes, begging his way through it. Catchy, universal and some pretty whining: Isn't that why a song like "Ice Box" does so well?

I'm not saying I'll put the song on my iPod, but I will crank it up every time it comes on the radio. And I'm sure I'm not alone. A little schmaltz can brighten one's day.

Some beliefs die hard -- REAL hard

At work this week I saw a familiar face as I walked into one of the break rooms for a Coke. I've seen him several times around the Observer building; an easy-going fellow who always has a hello. He was reading as I entered, but briefly glanced up to exchange pleasantries.

As I pulled my Coke from the machine he asked, "Did you get permission?"

I turned to find him watching me, wide-eyed, whatever he was reading momentarily forgotten. I froze, confused, and looked down at the soda in my hand.

"Permission for what?" I asked with a frown. To buy a Coke? Was this dude joking?

"To cut your hair," he replied, as if it were obvious.

I recently had my hair cut into a modified flapper 'do, and when slicked back -- as it was that day -- it looks very short, indeed. But I was even more confused. Was he talking about some Observer dress code I didn't know about?

"Why would I need permission?" I asked slowly, still rooted in place.

"Aren't you married?" now he was the puzzled one.

What the ...?! I thought as the meaning sank in. No he didn't!

I raised my left hand and wiggled the fingers. "Nope. Not married."

"Oh," he said, relaxing back. "I thought you were married."

Whoa, I thought as I exited the break room, popping open my Coke. I need my husband's PERMISSION before I cut my hair? Men still think like that?

I don't know if the women-are-supposed-to-have-longer-hair thing is strictly Southern, but it's certainly generational. As I sat down at my desk I remembered that every now and then, my mom's boyfriend wishes aloud that she would let her hair grow out of her hassle-free and totally cute pixie cut. She usually rolls her eyes, mutters something about how he wouldn't be the one stuck styling it every day, and keeps on keepin' on.

I second that emotion!

Totally unrelated, but I love it:

Earlier this week, Ukrainian Hryhory Nestor celebrated his 116th birthday. He is presumed to be the world's oldest living man.

Nestor puts his extraordinary longevity down to a diet of milk, cheese and potatoes ... and to the fact that he never married. "I liked my freedom," he said. "I would spend my time with one girl and then another."

Player, player, play on!!

Bring on the bachelorettes

This weekend I’ll partake in a time-honored tradition: The bachelorette night.

I’m flying out in the morning and will return on Monday after a three-day bachelorette getaway. I’m super excited, not only to celebrate with the awesome bride-to-be, but also because I’m going to a big city – one I’ve never visited before, Boston – to paint the town. Me and 11 other women. Watch out!

The whole idea of bachelor nights and bachelorette weekends got me thinking about how men and women approach the concept.

Here’s what I think applies to the majority, especially after attending many bachelorette nights: Men see the bachelor night as a final sexual fling before the ring becomes a permanent fixture on his left hand. Women view bachelorette nights as a chance to bond with the girls and to be the center of attention for one big party.

Don’t get me wrong, bachelorette parties can have sexual connotations as well. But rarely have I witnessed or heard of a woman being unfaithful on the celebratory night (all I had was R-rated male strippers). I have heard from quite a few guy friends that men, more often than not, will break that oath of faithfulness (and yes, oral sex is sex) because well, they’re not married – yet.

I’m curious if my theories are common knowledge or if I’m just way off base, because you know - "What happens in Boston, stays in Boston."

My mom wants a son-in-law

During my last phone conversation with my mother, she informed me she's ready for me to be in a relationship.

"I want to meet somebody when I come visit," she calmly demanded. "I'm getting impatient."

She's a firecracker, my mother.

There was a time when I would've freaked out and immediately been in the bars and clubs and talking to dudes in grocery stores and stuff, 'cause pleasing my momma was that important to me. But when she said she was ready to be a mother-in-law, I just chuckled indulgently. As I think I've made pretty clear in this blog, while she might be ready, I'm certainly not. And when it comes to having a man in my life, I'm the one who matters, right?

I know I've put my poor mom through the wringer. I'm sure it's not easy to have such ... quirky offspring. And I know it must be hard when most of your friends have married-off kids (some of them even on their second marriages) and a passel of rowdy grandkids, while your only child, at the ripe old age of 12, announced that she was never going to have kids and now looks to be sashaying towards 40 without ever tying the knot. (And she broadcasts such information over the Internet, to boot!)

We've had mental tug-of-wars over me and men for years. While I was in college, my mother was not-so-pleasantly surprised to find out I was dating black guys ... and non-black guys. She was probably proud she had raised such an open-minded daughter, but maybe a little horrified as well. "I would prefer it if you married a black man," she said quietly, but that's all she said. Fast-forward to years later, after I broke up with my last boyfriend, who happened to be a blue-eyed blond. I went on an international tear that included a Moroccan, a French-Algerian, an Albanian, a Nigerian and a couple Mexicans. I went to visit my cousin in the Netherlands and swooned over the tall Dutch men.

By this time, my mom was over the black thing. "Can't you date Americans?" she asked, exasperated.

And now I get this: "I want to meet someone when I come visit." No race preference. And you notice she said someONE, as if she might even be OK if I was snuggled up to a chick when I opened my front door. (Don't worry mom; he'll be a he.)

While her demand may seem a tad petulant and selfish, I know where it's coming from. I'm not getting any younger, and neither is she. I know she worries about me, so far away. She wants me to have someone who loves me, takes care of me and keeps me safe when she can't. She doesn't want me to be lonely and alone.

But she's gonna have to be wait a while longer. What's that the Supremes sang? "You can't hurry love." Not even for impatient mothers.

Household cleaning -- yeah, it's our sore spot

Most journalists are fed public relations fodder on a daily basis, and since Deirdre and I write about relationships and sex, you can imagine the field day PR flacks had with us around Valentine’s Day.

We didn’t want to inundate you with rambling facts or useless percentages, but there is one survey we received in an e-mail that I keep thinking about, even though Cupid’s holiday is almost a month past.

PayPal commissioned a “Can’t Buy Me Love” survey of more than 3,000 people, and though the results focus mostly on how couples like to hide purchases from their spouse, one little factoid resonates with my relationship: “Money beats out sex and house-cleaning as the number one issue couples fight about – 37 percent of young couples report that they fight more about money than cleaning (34 percent) or frequency of sex (28 percent).”

Oddly enough, my husband and I don’t argue that much about money – when you don’t have a surplus of it, it’s hard to fight about it, at least that’s the way we see it. One issue that pops up with some frequency is house cleaning. I hate doing dishes. He hates doing laundry. So you would think we would have it made; we each do the chore that the other loathes, but it doesn’t always work out that way. There are some days when the dishes pile up or the laundry takes on a life of its own, and we both drop the ball.

Let’s set an all-too familiar scene in the Hord house:

Me: “Hey hun, will you please do the laundry today?”
Husband: “Don't worry, I'll get to it.”
Fast forward two days later.
Me: “Oh, love of my life, when are you going to do the laundry?”
Husband: “Tar Heels are playing right now, Alisha. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
A day passes – not one shirt has made it to the washer.
Me: “What’s it gonna take to get the laundry done?”
Husband: “Did you do the dishes yet? When you do the dishes, I’ll do the laundry.”

Aaaaaahhhh!!! This little scenario plays out more often than I ever thought it would. And don’t get me wrong, I’m just as guilty as my husband is at putting off household chores and then saying I’ll get to them later.

So when I read that 34 percent of respondents in the survey argue about cleaning, I was relieved. You should have heard the sigh I let out. I thought it was just us who consider daily chores to be a frequent source of, um, let’s just call it pleasant disagreement.

Please, tell me we’re not alone?

About those adorable boys

A reader remark on yesterday's blog really got to me, and I feel the need to reply. His comment:

"Quit over-thinking things. YOU PEOPLE ... the women-folk ... make everything too difficult and you are your own worst enemies. That guy might turn out to be the man of your dreams, but you're too busy thinking about things outside of the present to get to step one. Live in the moment!"

And to that I say: "Live in the moment?" Dude, what do you think I've been doing?!

I've spent the majority of my dating life living in the moment. And it's gotten me some great times, to be sure, but also plenty of short-lived ones. I've decided I want more than that, and to accomplish it, I've got to operate differently than I have in the past.

The most important step in finding a suitable mate is to KNOW YOURSELF. To know what's important to you, know what you're capable of in a relationship, and know what you will and will not put up with. In other words, that means having what a good friend of mine refers to as a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself. I've had plenty of those chats over the past couple of years, and here are the top two conclusions I've come to.

1. I want to be in a stable, honest, intelligent pairing filled with love, laughter and passion. Such a relationship is possible for me, but it's gonna take some work and patience to find.

2. The men I tend to be attracted to often have the "love, laughter and passion" stuff down, but fail miserably at the "stable, honest and intelligent" part. After years of failed attempts, I have accepted that this is not the type of man for me. However, because such men are my weakness, I have to be alert.

And yes, that means thinking before I act. I don't consider that making things difficult for myself; in fact, I see it as saving myself a lot of heartache down the road. I sense there are plenty of women out there who would read this and shake their heads in recognition and understanding. There comes a point where you have to stop letting your heart -- and your loins -- lead the way.

Now, if all this means I'm gonna miss out on a guy who I'll have a great time with in the short run, I'm OK with that. I'm looking for a man who's ready to have a great time for years to come.

Get thee away from me, adorable boy!

So right after I blab in a previous blog about how I don't have time to date, what happens? I meet a cute guy, of course.

Oh, don't get so excited. Nothing's gonna happen. The timing is amusing, that's all.

Remember what I keep saying about how you have to be open at all times if you want to attract dating possibilities? I didn't realize I was following my own advice!

I spent Monday morning at a car dealership, having my car, Pandora, worked on. The guy who took my information and checked Pandora in was adorable. I thought I was looking pretty rough -- old sweats, no lip gloss, and I brought my knitting, for chrissakes -- but he seemed to think otherwise. Lots of extended eye contact and over-explanation of processes. He pulled me aside later to fill me in on Pandora's progress and used the time for a little flirting. When my car was ready to go, he walked me out and we stood talking for awhile. Turns out we had something in common: We've both lived in California and would love to go back someday. He made a point of telling me, at least half a dozen times, that if I needed anything, anything at all, all I had to do was call the number at the top of my auto papers. We shook hands and there was a pregnant pause, like in the movies ... and we went our separate ways.

I know what you're thinking. "You fool! Why didn't you give him your number? Why didn't you get HIS number? Why didn't you give him that little nudge to let him know it was OK to ask you out?"

Well, I wanted to do all of the above, but something inside stopped me. As I drove off, I realized what it was.

I'm growing up, dammit.

You guys, that dude was way too young for me! Nowhere near 30. And can you imagine how many chicks he must hit on at work? He's just the type of man I can't stop being drawn to: good-looking, extroverted, a little goofy, a lot flirtatious. The guys who are great fun in the short-term, not so great for the long haul. How many men like that have I tried and failed? That's what I mean when I say I'm "growing up": Instead of throwing myself heart (or libido) first into something that obviously has no future, I'm actually taking time to consider my actions and have "back to reality" conversations with myself.

You want someone your age, Deirdre.

You want someone a bit more serious and a bit less flirtatious, Deirdre.

You want someone your HEIGHT, Deirdre. Why are the cute ones always so short?

Sigh. Reality sucks ... but it's right.