Friday, November 16, 2007

He 'forgot' he's married

I recently answered a question from a reader and she e-mailed me with an update. A lot of women will be able to relate to her latest dilemma.

I decided to take your advice and get over Mr. New York. I met a guy that was handsome and seemingly available. He calls often (several times a day since we met). He recently opened a bar and invites me to hang out with him while he is working. I really like him and spent time with him as recently as yesterday. His phone kept ringing and he told me that he had something to take care of. Well, around 1 a.m. I received a text from his number and it read, “Just wondering do you know that man that you are so ready to see is my lying husband or r u the type that doesn’t care.” I was shocked and didn’t respond.

Why the hell is my luck sooooooo bad when it comes to men? Am I a loser magnet? And also, how could I not know that he was married? Why are men such inconsiderate pigs?

Women who have asked yourselves,
"why the hell is my luck sooooooo bad when it comes to men?" raise your hands.

See? You're not as alone as you might think!

You've got to change your way of looking at the situation. You are NOT a loser magnet. You are a man magnet. You're attractive and vivacious and you have that something that makes men want to know you better. The law of averages means there'll be some losers mixed in with the keepers. Just weed 'em out and keep going.

As for this dude, the reason you didn't know he was married was because he didn't tell you. (I think all married people should be required to wear a ring.)
Some people have no scruples when it comes to using others, whether it be for sex, or to get ahead at work, or just because they get off on being manipulative. What he did was low-down, and it was not your fault. Let me repeat: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You took him at his word, and his actions -- the phone calls, the invitations to hang out -- led you to believe he was available. Just be glad you didn't get more involved and move on.

About that text message from his wife -- why did she have to turn this into a "Cheaters" episode? It pisses me off when wives attack the Other Woman when they should be aiming that rage at their husbands. It's her man she has a problem with, not you! The fact she was on his phone lets us know he's done this before. Just send her a silent "thank you" and hope she drops the jerk.

You've gone through the wringer lately, so I suggest you take a dating break. That doesn't mean camping out on the couch and eating Ben & Jerry's while watching DVR'd episodes of "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila." Go to all the holiday parties looking fabulous. Flirt as much as you like, but don't stress about getting the digits of the hotties you meet. From now until the end of the year, just enjoy your friends and enjoy meeting new people and enjoy being you. There'll be plenty of time next year to play the dating game.


Anonymous said...

Perhaps if you stayed out of the bar industry, you'll meet a high caliber person. I have found bar owners and that entire industry to be a total meat market.

Stop being the flavor of the month!

Anonymous said...

why do you suggest that married people should wear rings? is it illegal for someone who's married to try and make friends even after getting married and even if it is with someone of the opposite sex? 9 times out of 10 if a man tells a woman he's married it's a conversation killer (even if up to that point they have hit it off).

Anonymous said...

anon a girl that gets hit on by married men and is the victim of adultery - because friends connect emotionally and emotional adultery is the same as (and usually the gateway to) physical adultery. If you want to make friends - bring your wife out with you. I'd love to meet her. You might want to try showing your wife some respect - wear your ring. :)

Anonymous said...

As a response the anomymous that said I should stop being the flava of the month... Its not like that with me. I am a single attractive professional woman and I have no problem meeting people- I do not party every weekend and I didn't meet this loser in a bar. He just happens to own one. Recently I have found that 9 out of 10 men that approach me are already in a relationship- They just arent honest about it. I say that when you meet someone, they shoudl be honest about their relationship status. At least give me the choice to accept the circumstances. I don't date married men or men with girlfriends so If he wouldve told me that he was married I would have never even given him my phone #.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah... I am going to take a break from dating... Don't know how long it will last... but for my sanity I have sworn off dating for the near future....

Anonymous said...

Deirdre, why are you pissed at the wife for getting angry at the "other woman"? She has every right to feel upset at both people (and you don't know what the wife has said to the husband... so don't assume she lets him skate).

Jeez, there are some women who willing stay with married men. And they DO deserve the wrath of a wife b/c they are selfishly and knowingly hurting another woman's relationship because they focus on "me me me."

Grow up and get some relationship experience. (and I'm not talking about dating) Some men are dogs. But plenty of women are **tches, too. Your one-way support of single women in just about every situation you post about here, and making the guy out to be the bad guy, is short-sighted and immature.

Anonymous said...

So I've been reading this blog for a while now, and I find it funny how often you make the men out to be bad people. Now, in this case the man was the bad person. But when are you going to post a blog about a woman who cheats on her man? They do it too. In fact, I used to date one of your coworkers and she cheated on me. I'd be happy to share my story with you.

Chris said...

OK, this guy is a jerk. We are not all that way. I don't wear a ring an my wife knows it. I don't like wearing rings. I've lost two and will not buy another one unless my wife asks me to. For the record the first fell off my finger while I had my arm out the window driving down the road and the second fell off while playing football with family at my Grandmother's house. As for emotional adultery just because I am good friends with a girl I work with does not mean I am commiting emotional adultery on my wife. We sometimes eat lunch together, just the two of us. It doesn't mean anything! My wife knows I adore her and would never do anything to hurt her.

charlotte mortgage lender said...

i remember reading somewhere to avoid the appearance of evil.

a lot of studies have shown that a man/woman cant be best friend and not one of them liking each other.

i had a friend (female) who was my best friend for over 5yrs. I never knew she liked me until the end.

I stopped wearing a ring about 3weeks ago.....but that's because I gained some weight...and the ring was starting to choke my finger!

A lot of 'innocent relationships' always turn out sour. I agree with the other posters that not all men are dogs...

Anonymous said...

Amen to anonymous 11/17, 1:56 pm. People say that the wives should not go after the "other women," only their cheating husbands. I disagree. Although this woman didn't know he was married, the wife didn't know this, and coming from her standpoint, she had a right to say something to the woman who she thought was about to get involved with her man. And of course, I hope she dealt with her husband as well. It takes two to tango. If my husband cheated on me, I would be mad at both of them, if the woman already knew about me. Neither of them acted alone, but together...he violated our marriage vows, and the woman was so trifling and disrespectful she didn't respect our marriage by sleeping with him. OK?

And for Anon. 11/17, 2:57 pm, I'd love to hear your story about the Observer staffer who did you wrong...I'm sorry this happened to you, but this blog needs to talk about women who do men wrong for a change.

We are human said...

I am married and have several platonic female friends, some my wife knows and some she doesn't..I am considered a fairly handsome guy but I make it a point not to befriend a female that I am physically attracted to. It makes all the difference