5 ways to help recession-proof your relationship

I get stuff sent to me all the time, but with the recession taking an emotional toll on marriages and relationships, I thought I'd pass on this advice from Noelle Nelson, author of "Your Man is Wonderful."

"We've seen the result in violent family tragedies across the country," says Nelson, "but that's just the tip of the iceberg. The heartbreak comes in many forms. One spouse blames the other spouse for their financial predicament. It's a constant blame game. ... People lose hope and leave the marriage either emotionally or physically."

Nelson's five rules to recession-proof your relationship:

1. See yourself as a team. The power of “together” is tremendous. A couple who sees themselves as a team will pool their talents and resources to mutual advantage, give strength to one another, and sustain hope.

2. Focus on each other's strengths and qualities. This is not the time to dwell on your own or your partner’s weaknesses. On the contrary, this is the time to empower each other by taking inventory of your strengths and qualities.

3. Express appreciation to one another -- resist the temptation to put down or criticize. Insecurity is rampant, not just in our external lives, but also internally. In times of crisis, we doubt our abilities, we question whether we have what it takes to pull through, we worry about how much worse things can get. Criticizing or putting down your partner just intensifies those fears, not only in them, but in yourself. Instead, let your partner know how much you appreciate them just as they are, and reassure them of your love. Express your gratitude often -- for however they contribute to the betterment of your lives -- whether it is helping out with the kids, putting in overtime, or sending out yet another resume.

4. Set goals you can work on together -- focus on problem-solving, not blaming. The only way there is light at the end of the tunnel is if you see it there. Brainstorm together to figure out what goals you seek, break those down into smaller goals and rough out a plan for getting there. Keep your sights constantly on “How do we resolve this?” not “You’ll never be able to do that.” Keep that precious “we” front and center, respect your partner's ideas and input as much as you do your own.

5. Acknowledge and celebrate small victories along the way. The more crisis enters your life, the more difficult it is to sustain positivity and pro-activity. That’s why it’s so important to acknowledge and celebrate every small gain you achieve. Whether it’s figuring out a swap with the neighbor -- after school child care in return for computer lessons -- or making it through the next round of layoffs without losing your job, enthusiastically cheer every bit of progress.

"The economic crisis is not going to change overnight," says Nelson. "In an age of instant gratification, it's sometimes hard to be patient and remain strong and committed within a marriage during trying times. In the end, however, these ordeals can make a marriage stronger as partners truly commit to each other."

A place to share secrets

Do you have a secret you're really itching to share, but don't have an outlet? Frank Warren has made it easy for you to unload -- and be creative in the process -- with his site, PostSecret.

Warren started the project four years ago by handing out blank postcards to strangers in Washington, D.C. He asked them to write a secret on the card and mail it back to him. He's had more than 300,000 cards returned. He post the cards on the site and publishes them in books. He also visits colleges to talk about secrets and young people; he has a sold-out appearance at UNC-Charlotte tonight (auxillary seating is available for 10 bucks).

"I think of the postcards almost more as works of art or literature," Warren said in an interview on WFAE this morning. (Go here to listen to an extended version.) "... I think if you look at enough of these you eventually find one from a stranger that articulates a secret or burden you're dealing with -- and when that happens, it can be an epiphany."

He shared one his favorites: a Starbucks barista sent in one of the company's ubiquitous cups scrawled with, "I serve decaf to customers who are rude to me." One that unnerved him was a postcard with a picture of New York City's former Twin Towers. The sender had written, "everyone who knew me before 9-11 believes I'm dead."

The idea that people might submit made-up secrets doesn't faze him. "You might think that you're writing down a secret that's fake," he said in the interview. "But perhaps you do that and you mail it to my home and I put it on the Web site and you look at it on the computer with thousands of other people and you might recognize for the first time that the whole process was a way for you to come out to yourself about any number of issues."

I visited the site and got an eyeful. Some of the postcards are playful ("If heaven is not EXACTLY like the TV show 'Lost,' I don't want to go!"), poignant ("Guys never stayed because I wouldn't have sex with them. So I did. And they still won't stay."), disconcerting ("tenure-worried professor ignore cheaters in hopes of 'teacher of the year' nominations from students"), and a little weird ("when my roommates aren't around, I look through their cameras and delete the pictures I look bad in"). But they're all insightful.

Girls: Why don't you call back?

Yesterday I wrote about how a guy asked for my number (we were at a club) and he hasn't called. I asked readers -- in particular, male readers -- what would make them ask for contact info and then not use it. Several guys turned the question back on me in the comments. Here's a great example:

"I completely understand your frustration, however as a guy I have had the same thing happen. You meet a girl at a bar/club have a good time and you both seem interested in another meeting, the girl gives you her number you call, and she doesn't answer or call back. I would rather her just say she's not interested and that would save us both time. I think that a lot of women are afraid to say no in person and it's easier to ignore a phone call."

I could not agree more -- just (tactfully) say you're not interested! That would be so refreshing. But I think our first response is to say something that will either avoid confrontation or spare feelings.

Ladies, it's your turn. A guy asks for your number. Do you give him a fake one? If it's real, do you give it knowing that you won't answer when he calls? Or do you give your number with every intention of talking to him ... but then wake up the next day and think better of it? Also: any chicks out there who pull a preemptive strike and ask for the guy's number first?

Guys: Why ask if you're not gonna call?

I was at a club with friends Sunday night when I met a man. We chatted, we danced, and as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number.

That was Sunday. Now it's Thursday. I haven't heard from him.

This is where opinion breaks down between the sexes. I'm sure there are plenty of men thinking, "Give the guy a break. It's only Thursday." I'm equally sure there are plenty of women thinking, "You gave him your number on Sunday? Girl, he is so not calling." Either way, I'm not holding my breath for a phone call.

Ladies, how many times have you given your phone number and never heard from the guy again? You're probably like me: not heartbroken, just curious as hell. Why ask for the digits if you're not going to use them?

Men, here's your chance to set the record straight. If you've ever asked for a woman's contact info and then never used it, tell us why. Did you lose it? Did you wake up the next morning and think back on how dark it was in the club, and maybe she wasn't as cute as you thought she was? Did you decide you'd rather not be bothered? Did you get back with your ex? Or do you like to ask for a chick's number, just to see if you can get it?

Come on, guys. Solve one of dating's enduring mysteries!

Your love life in six words?

Who knew so much could be said in six words? In honor of Valentine's Day, NPR's "Talk of the Nation" did a great segment on Smith Magazine's new book, "Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak." The book has hundreds of mini-memoirs from famous and regular folks. (Examples: "Don't trust a man who waxes"; "Tried men. Tried women. Like cats"; and "She got Hodgkins lymphoma. I bailed," which is brutal.) People called and e-mailed in to the show to share theirs; some of my favorites: "Beth filled gaps. My wife disagreed." "College boys are really, really awful." "Should have considered nose-hair trimmer."

I then asked a few people to describe their love lives, with cool results:

My Relate co-writer, Alicia: Getting better despite having two kids.

A single male co-worker: My ex scares away cute girls.

A married male co-worker: It's my anniversary. Try me later. (He's an inveterate smart-ass.)

A pal who's a single mom: I wish I had more sex.

And here's mine: High-strung but low-maintenance. Interested?

Get in on the memoir action! Describe your love life in six words.

Addendum: One of my best friends sent hers and I had to add it, because it's pure poetry: "She teetered between desire and disappointment."

Doo-dooter, and other terms of endearment

When you've been around someone long enough you start to develop a series of code words, shorthand and inside jokes that can even outlast the relationship.

My friend Alisa and her college boyfriend called the television remote the doo-dooter. Boyfriend's long gone, but my husband and I never call that thing a remote.

When a kitchen counter or dishtowel might have been contaminated with raw chicken (or some other icky foodstuff), we say it has chickenosis, thanks to our friends Eric and Joletta.

We also have:

Funkatosis: An offshoot of chickenosis. Used to describe anything smelly. If that smell resulted from gastrointestinal distress, the culprit is said to have Foggy Bottom, a holdover from when we lived in D.C., where one of the Metro stops was Foggy Bottom.

Crouch: Popularly spelled, and pronounced, crotch. But my husband's mother mispronounced it once, so "crotch" is no longer part of our vocabulary.

F.P.: Short for "freakin' problem." As in, "What's your F.P.?" Used in particularly exasperating situations, like when your beloved won't give you the doo-dooter.

W.E.: Short for "whatever," also courtesy of Eric and Joletta. Used when you don't want to waste breath or effort on an argument.

Those are part of my relationship lexicon.

What's on your list?

When he says, 'I won't lie'

Alicia: So, D, which red flags start waving when a guy begins a conversation like this: "I won't lie to you"? A reader writes that she has an ex who always responds like that -- as if he's doing her a favor. Or trying to sell her something. And as if him saying it wasn't annoying enough, her kids have started saying it, too. It's like she spends her days surrounded by sleazy used car salesmen.

Deirdre: I know she wants to punch her ex in the mouth every time he says it, too. To me, "I won't lie to you" falls under the same category as "no offense, but ...": no matter what comes next, you're not gonna like it.

Alicia: Absolutely. And my thought is that you shouldn't have to announce that you're not going to lie. It means that you are going to lie, and you can't be trusted in general.

Deirdre: Or that maybe you're not lying this time, which isn't much better.

Alicia: So is there anything to be done with this guy (except for having the reader anonymously send him this link)? I bet he can't be reasoned with, given his ex status.

Deirdre: And if he's evil, he might use it just because he knows it bugs her. But she can do something about her kids. She can talk to them about it and tell them that the phrase is useless. Just as they've learned to use it, they can unlearn it.

Alicia: Hope she can convince them. And while she's at it, maybe she can warn them off some other conversation-ending phrases, "I don't know about you, but ..." "Like I always say ..." What else?

Deirdre: "I don't mean to be rude, but ..." and then they proceed to be rude! Or, "I know it's none of my business ..." and then they get all in your business!

Alicia: "Don't take my word for it, but ..." means I have no clue, but I'm going act like it, nonetheless.

Deirdre: If I shouldn't take your word for it, why are you saying it, then? I think these phrases have become so ingrained in conversation that people either A) don't even realize they're using them, or B) think they can say anything by using such a phrase first, as if that'll make it OK. Except it doesn't.

Alicia: Right. If you're going to say something that might make someone uncomfortable, take ownership of it or don't say it at all.

Deirdre: Words to live by, sister!

Keeping it mum with mom and dad

So it's a month past Christmas and New Year's, and I think I've finally caught up with all of the friends and coworkers I hadn't seen since trips here and there to visit families.

I've heard all the war stories from holiday break -- and many seem to carry the same theme, which leaves me with the question:

Which details about your relationship should you share with your parents (mostly your mother)? And which you should leave out for their own good?

The stories I heard all went something like this: My sister/friend/sister-in-law/cousin told my mom about a disagreement/split/other issue with her boyfriend/husband, and then mom was caught up in the drama for the entire visit. And, more often than not, the issue was resolved independent of mom's and dad's fretting -- because it really wasn't that serious after all or because the sister/friend/sister-in-law/cousin had it under control ... and could actually work through the problem without dragging the whole family into it.

So holiday visits across the country were sent into a tailspin for no good reason.

Which leads me to ask these three little things of family drama instigators everywhere:

-- Don't say the word "divorce" to mom and dad if you don't really want it to happen -- or think it's going to happen.

-- Be careful about telling your parents about every little thing your dear one does (either on purpose or unintentionally) to annoy you. Your parents will grow to dislike him. Do you really want that?

-- When you get the urge to call mom to complain about your relationship, call a trusted third party (friend, sibling, sibling-in-law) to unload. Then, call mom and dad if you feel you still need feedback or comfort.

Your parents love you. Which means that, if you hurt, they hurt. If you lead your mom to believe your life is falling apart, she's going to fret and worry. Her blood pressure is going to rise. She will lose sleep. Please, only inflict that stress on her (and the rest of the family, by extension) when you really need their help through a tough time.

Counseling shouldn't stop after marriage

I asked a newlywed pal how her marriage was going. She said it was good, but hard. "Because we're both stubborn, and we're older," she explained. (They're in their mid-to-late 30s). It takes work to meld two strong, independent lives.

So the newlymarrieds have decided to keep seeing the person they met for pre-marriage counseling. They don't go often, only when they have a problem they feel they need an objective opinion on. And my friend says it has helped a lot.

I think that going to a counselor is a great idea. More people are marrying later in life -- I have a friend who married for the first time when she was 41. It's not easy to change your life from one where you have your space the way you want it, and your daily schedule the way you want it, to sharing it with another person. Some compromises may be simple; others, not so much. So talking out your issues with a third party who has no stake in the outcome can be a good thing.

Also, the counseling doesn't have to end once newlywed issues have worked themselves out. I heard a recent radio interview with caustic actor-comedian Denis Leary. He's been married for 26 years. He was talking about his new book, "Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid," and offered men advice on marriage counseling:

"Number one: Do it," he said. "You're not gonna find a guy who's more anti-therapy or anti any kind of counseling than me. I'm a stubborn, pigheaded Irishman and that's sort of in my DNA. And it takes me a long time to learn a lesson."

After going through three counselors in about six weeks, Leary said, "We finally went to a male marriage counselor, and it dawned on me -- 'Oh, I'm completely - I'm totally wrong. And emotionally unavailable.' Goes right back to that Irish-Catholic upbringing. Once I figured out I'm wrong, and emotionally unavailable, we started to make some progress.

"I gotta tell you, the male, the man shrink, that's the way to go," Leary continued. "It's a person, a man, who gets paid to sit in a room and listen to women complain about what's wrong with men. It's the female version of hiring a prostitute. ... and it works. Sitting in that room with that guy -- I guess it was because he was finally a guy I listened to him -- I started to realize yeah, you know what? I am not right about most things. I am sometimes right about things in sports and show biz, because I'm a sports fan and I work in show business, but in terms of raising children and making a marriage work, I'm 0 for 7 million. That's my batting average. But I've learned how to learn from the man shrink."

So there you go. If he can learn, can't we all?

When is special really something else?

Welcome to a very special episode of We Can Relate.

It’s so special because well, you’re so special. And the day is just so beautiful and peaceful and … special. Could there be anything better than spending such a special time with you on a day like this?

Annoyed yet? I am.

But that’s how this couple I know talks to each other. Yes – in front of actual people. It’s all so saccharine it makes me want to heave, or at the very least roll my eyes – which is what I do when they’re not looking.

It annoys me because I shouldn’t be hearing it – when they set off on these dialogues they’re always very wrapped up in each other. They’re not making general conversation with the others in the room. The dialogues can last five minutes – or 20. And one of the two often interrupts conversations the other is having to begin the you’re-so-special babble.

And, no, they're not newlyweds. They've been together for more than a decade -- and still it persists. And it annoys not only me but also others who witness it; I always have a partner in eye-rolling.

It all just makes me suspicious: Can things at that moment really be that special – and, long-term relationship-wise – that good, if you have to say it over and over? And, perhaps most annoying, in that really cloying I’m-talking-to-a-cute-widdle-kitten tone?

My money’s on no.

'Tis the (football) season

My favorite season is finally here: Football Season! It's about time -- I've been entirely too productive on Sundays. Now painting the kitchen will have to wait until February.

I have the luxury of a girlfriend who also loves football. Nothing's perfect, though; she's from Pennsylvania and a Philadelphia Eagles fan and I grew up a Dallas Cowboys fan. If you know anything about football, you know those teams mix like oil and water. I know I'm not alone in this situation so I've got a few tips to help get through the season.

Find some common ground and cheer for the home team. What would I do without the Panthers? We can both scream and cheer without penalty and check the scores of favorite teams at commercial breaks. And if your team plays a late game, there's a chance your spouse will be passed out in a pool of beer and nachos by then.

Join a Fantasy Football league that both of you can be in. Playing god with football players is fun. Trade 'em, start 'em, sit 'em ... you'll get more familiar with the game this way. Plus, it's kind of a turn-on when your girlfriend rattles off stats about San Diego's defense. (Is that weird?) Try to pick up a player from your partner's favorite team so maybe you can stomach watching them play. All it takes is one fantasy kicker to make an uninteresting game worthwhile.

Just accept it. It may have broken my dad's heart to tell him I'm dating a Philly fan, but I'm not gonna dump her because of it. (If she was a Patriots fan, maybe.) Team apparel makes for a good birthday gift and traveling to watch either of your teams play makes for a great weekend getaway. Last year my girlfriend bought me tickets to watch KU play in the Orange Bowl at Miami. That was an awesome gift idea!

Hopefully, my advice will help. You can apply it to almost any other sport, too. If you don't think it's possible for rivalry couples to prevail, a friend from Chicago recently married his Green Bay lovin' girlfriend. So, yes, differences can be set aside.

Facebook, MySpacers 'can't form relationships'?

I stumbled upon this article on a message board. It made me curious:

Facebook and MySpace generation 'cannot form relationships'

Here's an excerpt.

Dr. Himanshu Tyagi, a psychiatrist at West London Mental Health Trust, said social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace have fostered the idea that relationships and friendships can be formed and destroyed quickly and easily.

"... It's a world where everything moves fast and changes all the time, where relationships are quickly disposed at the click of a mouse, where you can delete your profile if you don't like it and swap an unacceptable identity in the blink of an eye for one that is more acceptable.

"People used to the quick pace of online social networking may soon find the real world boring and unstimulating, potentially leading to more extreme behaviour to get that sense."

He said teenagers who socialise online put less value on their "real world" selves which puts them at risk of impulsive and even suicidal behaviour. They may be less able to form relationships as they do not learn the physical clues involved with communication including body language, tone of voice and facial expressions.

That last sentence really spoke to me because it's one of the main reasons I don't like online dating sites. Not only do you not know who you're talking to, but you can't see the effect your words have on them and they can't see how what they say effects you.

The article isn't all doom and gloom; for example, online communication can strip away geographical boundaries and there's less discrimination as race, gender and wealth have less meaning. But still ...

What do you think? Are online networking sites chipping away at our ability to communicate?

(The lack of) gym etiquette

Gym relationships can be tough, because for the most part, it's a bunch of strangers sharing space and equipment. Some people can be clueless or disrespectful when dealing with fellow fitness buffs. (I'm talking about YOU, cell phone gossipers!)

Driving around this afternoon I heard an interview on NPR's "Talk of the Nation" with Newsweek reporter Tina Peng, who talked to some fitness club managers about gym rats' most obnoxious habits. The story was sparked by a Manhattan incident of gym rage: one guy became so annoyed by the grunts and shouts of a fellow rider in spin class that he tipped the other guy right off his bike and into a wall (been there, wanted to do that). Tina's list of offenses is impressive -- and yes, it includes some nut who used the sauna to make grilled cheese sandwiches, like the photo illustration above.

Not to be outdone, listeners called in with gross-out stories of their own. One dude saw a guy use the communal hair dryer to dry his private bits. Then a gym owner called to complain about people who spit in the water fountain. Ew.

What about you, area gym people? Seen anything that really ticks you off?

This issue teeters on 'Poison'

Here's a marital dilemma.

Husband wants to go and see Bret Michaels play at Alley Cat tonight. Wife wants to see the "Rock of Love" rocker as well, but she's not too keen on the $44.50-per-ticket fee.

You read that right - $90 to listen to the obvious (duh, roses have thorns) and see the obvious (women throwing themselves at the bandana-wearing 40-year-old-something stud -- or, wait, is he 50?) And you know once husband and wife buy a few drinks, the tab will be over $100.

Granted, husband says he understands it is a lot of dough to shell out and is relying on wife to be the "voice of reason." Understanding husband tells loving wife he realizes the cost is high and if it's not a smart decision, the couple just won't go to the concert ... but then he quickly follows up with "but I really, really, really want to go!"

Here's the issue: how can wife turn down husband's request to purchase said tickets when she herself recently signed up for a YMCA membership that roughly equals the same price as the concert tickets? Wife wants to be fair, and there has to be some give-and-take, right?

Surely all married folk have been through this sort of issue before. It's not huge in the great scheme of things; however, it does reflect on the core values of a marriage, including compromise and budget managing.

So, what would you do?

P.S.: Ahem, ahem, details in this entry were changed to protect the marriage.

Laugh of the day

Sometimes, those e-mail forwards we receive are actually worth forwarding. I just got this from a friend. Yes, it's a generalization, but this is the difference between women and men in a nutshell:

HER DIARY vs. HIS DIARY

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Spare us your MySpace divorce

Com·mu·ni·ca·tion [n] The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information.

The idea of communication can be thought of as a fairly easy-to-understand concept. However, communication within the confines of a structured relationship is as complex as the New York Times crossword puzzle.

This blog is about relationships, and communication is the slab of concrete needed to erect such foundations. So, the recurring theme will be communication. Get it? Got it? Good.

On that note, let’s talk about Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler.

The Blink 182 drummer and former Miss USA hit splitsville earlier this month and then aired their dirty laundry on their individual MySpace.com pages.

What happened to good, ol' fashioned “family talks” where mom sits at the kitchen table in her pink robe and dad paces the floor with Hulk-like steps and the family’s issues are dealt with at home?

I’m amazed the innovative ways people “communicate” their grievances.

Yes, officer, can you just e-mail me that speeding ticket to ahord@blackberry.com? I should have it in two minutes -- and you do take Paypal, right?

The fact Barker and Moakler used MySpace.com to settle – or dispute – their differences is absurd and downright childish. Surely they have enough money to pick up the phone or get their lawyers in for some mediation?

I say it’s time to grow up, Mr. Run-Naked-In-My-Videos Barker and Mrs. Playboy-Too-Dumb-For-MTV Moakler.

What do you think about this Hollywood couple using the popular Web site as a Dr. Phil session?