Thursday, February 19, 2009

Guys: Why ask if you're not gonna call?

I was at a club with friends Sunday night when I met a man. We chatted, we danced, and as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number.

That was Sunday. Now it's Thursday. I haven't heard from him.

This is where opinion breaks down between the sexes. I'm sure there are plenty of men thinking, "Give the guy a break. It's only Thursday." I'm equally sure there are plenty of women thinking, "You gave him your number on Sunday? Girl, he is so not calling." Either way, I'm not holding my breath for a phone call.

Ladies, how many times have you given your phone number and never heard from the guy again? You're probably like me: not heartbroken, just curious as hell. Why ask for the digits if you're not going to use them?

Men, here's your chance to set the record straight. If you've ever asked for a woman's contact info and then never used it, tell us why. Did you lose it? Did you wake up the next morning and think back on how dark it was in the club, and maybe she wasn't as cute as you thought she was? Did you decide you'd rather not be bothered? Did you get back with your ex? Or do you like to ask for a chick's number, just to see if you can get it?

Come on, guys. Solve one of dating's enduring mysteries!

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm not a guy but I can say that there have been many times that I've met a new friend while out with my husband and we would chat for a while and exchange numbers and say "hey, let's hang out and go shopping or something" but then we never call each other. Honestly, I think (from my point of view anyway) the next day we start thinking "I don't want to bother them...what would I say...they really didn't mean it...we were just tipsy and silly...I'm sure they have better things to do..." so, we forget about it and move on with our normal daily lives. As far as guys not calling...it may be the same thing. Liquid courage can make them have the strength to ask for the phone number but deep down, they are insecure too and the next day, they may think they'll get rejected since you're not seeing through "beer goggles" anymore so they avoid the potential rejection. I think if neither person was drinking, then the chances are better that they will actually call if they truly were interested. For one thing...you don't have any reason to doubt what really transpired. Sometimes, you question yourself after you've "had a few" and wonder if your perception was skewed and would rather not risk being viewed as a fool if the encounter wasn’t, in fact, “all that” in reality.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday a guy called my cell twice and I told him he had the wrong number. He called a third time, confirmed the number (I've had it for 8 years) and then asked if "Shania" was around. So I broke it to him - "Shania" gave him a bogus number that happened to be mine and most likely "Shania" was not her real name either. All I heard after that was a long "awww, man!" and click.

It's a two-way street and my guess is Mr. Sunday night thought he was just being polite.

johnholmes said...

Asking for the number is a more polite way of asking "will you sleep with me tonight." If the number is given out, and the girl leaves, the answer is no. If the chick comes home with me that night, I will have the number and may be calling again for service very soon.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the guy has just been busy. What if he is so focused on the work week, he hasn't had time to think about returning a call. He may be working late and may not want to call late out of courtesy. To get a number Sunday and call immediately demonstrates a certain degree of desperation.
Then there is the case of Shania below where the girls give the guy a bogus number. Why can't girls be honest and either give guys the right number or simply state, I don't give out my number. Fear of rejection is tough enough without having to worry if you've been lied to also. If you are not interested in beginning a relationship says so, please. Don't rattle a person's cage by playing immature high school head games. On both sides of the fence you never know who you are dealing with and if that person is the next "Fatal Attraction".

Anonymous said...

It is as simple as this. A guy will show interest and get a number, or ask to call, just to set something up for the "just in case." Sometimes later though, we may forget the immediate feelings as they are fleeting with days passing and just decide not to call. Not really magic or anything, just how guys think.

Anonymous said...

I'll answer your question if you'll answer mine: Why do women give you their number, then not return messages?

Happened just the other week. We met watching the Super Bowl, had an incredible conversation over several hours, a little stroll, a few little kisses, even a little hand-holding. I understood she probably wasn't going to come home with me, or vice-versa, but I sure had a good time and wouldn't mind pursuing it further.

Called. Left message. Nothing.

Three days later. Sent a text. Nothing.

Maybe your guy was a little bit drunk. It happens. You have a good time. It's late. You're buzzed. You're tired. Can I have your number? Let's get together. But then you get busy the next day, then you're back at work and hanging with your buddies that night. Then it's a basketball game, a late meeting, before you know a week's gone by.

He was probably sincere in that particular moment, but quite frankly, you didn't blow him away to the point where you were the first thing on his mind the next morning. And that's sometimes the litmus test.

Anonymous said...

"He was probably sincere in that particular moment, but quite frankly, you didn't blow him away to the point where you were the first thing on his mind the next morning. And that's sometimes the litmus test."

OH YIKES!!

Anonymous said...

Maybe he is married!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I completely understand your frustration, however as a guy I have had the same thing happen. You meet a girl at a bar/club have a good time and you both seem interested in another meeting, the girl gives you her number you call, and she doesn't answer or call back. I would rather her just say she's not interested and that would save us both time. I think that a lot of women are afraid to say no in person and it's easier to ignore a phone call.

Anonymous said...

He's not that into you..

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't call you, either!

Anonymous said...

So you wrote "as I prepared to leave, he asked for my phone number.

I thought, "oh, why not?" He was polite, attractive and he made me laugh. I wouldn't mind seeing him again. So I gave him my number."

I think your lukewarm response to his request told him all he needed to know. "Why not" and "I wouldn't mind seeing him again" are the equivalent of "You look fine" to the question "How do I look?"

In other words, if *you* had been more into *him* it would've shown and he would probably be more excited about calling you. Sounds like you gave him your number more out of politeness than interest, and maybe he sensed that.

Anonymous said...

Don't fret- its the weekend again so expect a booty call at some point between tonight and Sunday morning..

Anonymous said...

He may have accidentally not saved your number in his phone when you gave it to him and lost it. Okay, maybe not, but I did that once by mistake.. Felt pretty lousy haha.

Anonymous said...

Seeing as the story began with "I was at the club..." and even your interest in him was somewhat mediocre, I agree with:

1. "... quite frankly, you didn't blow him away to the point where you were the first thing on his mind the next morning."

and 2. "Don't fret- its the weekend again so expect a booty call at some point between tonight and Sunday morning.."

Anonymous said...

To add to my "don't fret" comment, if you met him Sunday it was probably Bartender's Ball, and not many memories make it out of that place. It's like a black hole for the events of the evening. He is probably scratching his head asking "who is Deidre!?!?"

Anonymous said...

Seriously?? He didn’t call because, as the movie suggests, he's just not that in to you. That’s all, plain and simple. I'm a girl and can vouch for this comment....we spend WAY too much time analyzing and agonizing over minuscule and meaningless things like this. When in actuality, it’s pretty clear why he didn’t call. Making up excuses like he was busy, misplaced the number, etc are asinine...anyone can find 10 minutes in their day to call someone else if they really wanted to. In my female opinion...guys correct me if I'm wrong...a guy asks for your number at the end of the night because he thinks that’s what you want him to do. It makes the awkwardness of parting ways at the end of the night with a "stranger" a much easier task than if you had chatted all evening and the guy didn’t show any sort of interest. Like I said, it’s my opinion, but I think its pretty clear.....

Anonymous said...

I've gotten the reverse so often, I couldn't even count. I ask a girl for her # and get it, then when I called, she's not interested, or never returns my call? Why give the number if you're not interested? Why not just say "Im not interested" or "I have a boyfriend"..but instead give out the real number? This only started happening when I moved to Charlotte from up north.

Up north the girl will give you the Heisman or tell you straight up they aren't interested or have a BF.

Anonymous said...

It very often is an ego thing.. If you are out to get the digits there is a good chance the playa has a history of getting the digits.. then you can either file it or use it depending on the choices at hand.. You get in the field of play and you are part of the game.

Anonymous said...

Some of these guys who respond to blogs are "just ....." First of all, a lot of guys that request a ladies phone number really want it. And, others unfortunely are sharks. But a lot of us just want to know if we've still got it. So, ladies here's the secret, it's easy
make him repeat it. Don't write it
down. If he ask for a pen, he'll
call.

Darren800 said...

Sometimes it's a simple as "their buzz wore off." That goes for chicks who don't call guys back, and vice versa.That's why you gotta carpe diem!
In all sincerity,I still wouldn't give up hope. The guy was probably like most of the other guys out there: clueless when it comes to women.(eg. he waited until you were leaving to ask for your number)
In the end, it's a numbers game. Keep meeting people and giving your number out, and one of the guys will call :)

Anonymous said...

He was to drunk to remember.

Anonymous said...

Trust me, if a guys is into you, he will call. That's the bottom line. If he is not, than he is just being polite by asking, but never has any real intention of calling.

I once gave my number to a girl at a bar, with good intention of calling, but things took a turn for the worse. I guess I did not specify when I would call and she proceeded to call me that same night multiple times and I did not answer. The best part of this story, she left a 3 minute VM angry as can be, telling me I was a "man-whore" for not calling her or answering. We counted one day at work, she called me "man-whore" 22 times in the VM. I passed the VM to all of my friends and they passed it to theirs. It was the best VM I've had to date. I wish you could save those things forever.

Anonymous said...

Married and out of the game here--This is a tough one. From guys side 1) build enough courage (even liquid) to ask for the number is very very very difficult
2) is it fake or real 3) DID YOU MEET IN THE WRONG ENVIRONMENT FOR A LONG TERM DEAL--yes we actually think of that.

I think the easiest solution is give your number and ask for his; when I was single, it made my day to get a call from a girl I met a couple of days ago that I didn't think I had a chance with.

It work both ways honey.......

happily Married and out of the confusion

Anonymous said...

Don't give out your number. Tell the guy, "I don't give out phone numbers, but meet me for coffee next Saturday morning and I'll buy". Then the decision is on him, you then have a chance to show or not show, if he's interested...he will show. If he's not interest...so be it.

jkp1516 said...

Well, while everyone here is trying to figure out this mystery that you or anyone else will figure out, I'll point out the positive in this situation.

Why are you so hung up about him calling you? If he's not that into you, that's probably a good thing. You want somebody who is very interested in you and you in them... not somebody who is half interested in you.

So take that as a blessing that you don't date, go out with, or end up with with someone who is only half interested in you! You might someday find somebody better than that... somebody who is 'smitten kittens' about you and wants to call you the day after...so why is it a big deal that a guy who obviously wasn't smitten kittens about you isn't calling...isn't that a good thing????

JR Flores said...

It seems as a man gains experience (age!) and has less opportunities to ask for a woman's number, it means much more and is taken a lot more seriously.

The woman are also much more open to hesitating, asking if this is not just a courtesy request, and then they will provide a phone number.

When an older couple dates there are still many moments of anxiety, but the call/no call does not seem as stressful as the first sleep over, the first meeting of families and friends and even business acquaintances, who are all very quick and determined to offer their perspective, insights and warnings!!

Anonymous said...

it's time.

www.eharmony.com www.match.com (double your chances)

desperation has set if you're analyzing something like this. if you meet up, he's already interested.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I've given my number to a guy before and then decided I didn't want to talk to him when he called. Maybe it was because sober I wasn't as thrilled as I was when I was tipsy. People do things because it works or doesn't work for them based on where they are emotionally at the time. I think it is perfectly acceptable to change one's mind. It has nothing to do with you. Worse things could happen.

Anonymous said...

Guys who ask for digits and are slow to call, if ever, either already have someone, and are stockpiling numbers for later reference or based on how they left the conversation, if calling is really worht it. Then again, they could just be playing hard to get. Guys do that too...

Anonymous said...

As everybody's pointed out there are tons of reasons why a guy doesn't follow through with a call.......as a guy (now off the market) I'll admit that many are the product of our not-fully-matured testosterone.

But I also know that on numerous occasions I've asked for a phone number out of misplaced courtesy: it's kind of a way to flatter a woman that you've enjoyed meeting & chatting with her; that she's kinda special. And who knows, in the moment maybe I meant it.

Here's what I don't get (like I said, I'm off the market now so my single days pretty-much pre-date this, but): why isn't it common to ask for & give out e-mail addresses instead? Seems like it'd be safer & less intimidating for both parties.

Anonymous said...

He had to loose your number. No way he's not calling you. Your smokin!

Anonymous said...

A guy friend of mine met a woman at a bar last week and got her number. When we talked he said he didn't plan on calling her. When I asked why he asked for her number if he had no plans on calling, he said he did it for practice. Practice! Ladies, our expectations of men are apparently too high...

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy and I've found myself doing this very thing lately. I honestly don't know exactly why I do it but one reason is I think I'm just trying to be nice and make the girl feel good by getting her number. At the time I say to myself that I will call her. Then when I'm sober I realize I don't remember half the conversation and therefore I'm not sure what to talk about with her. Also, chances are that she wasn't as attractive as I once thought, although that night I was probably wanting to go home with her. I've vowed not to do this lately but occasionally I'll let it slip. I'm a nice guy but I've been burnt by women so much lately that I find myself turning into a jerk. Anyways, thats my opinion and people can take what they want from it.

vane solis herrerias said...

Hey just happened to me. I am 30 and never had happened before so i am very confussed about it. Guys have always returned call 3 days later, the second later...so it is my first why he is not calling? why he cared to have my number? I gave it cause because she treated me all night long so good,so sweet, so tender, so interested. what happened. Are men so DDA?

Anonymous said...

I was told that Guy are just being polite to end the conservation with the ladies. It would be strange if they just walked off after spending good times with you. And perhaps, they wanted some time to think at home, to call or not, and if they plan to, they got your number, if not, perhaps just trash it away. I did some research after being in the same situation. Life still goes on..

Anonymous said...

Oh it is completely hideous- I was out on Saturday aft at a bar- I was driving and he was drinking but was by no means drunk. His friends were chating to my friends and his friend approached me and introduced me to this guy because apparently he 'noticed' me and thought I was wondeful...blah blah blah! So when we did speak he reeled me in big time, totally lovely guy and seemed quite shy and honest. Took my number and gave me his. Later that night when I went home I made the major blunder of sending him a very short text asking how night was going and he responded hours later- then I replied following evening which was last night and I haven't heard anything since( it's now 11.32am)... too soon to stress or should I just wake up to myself and realise it's not going to happen??

Anonymous said...

There are a few scenarios where I'd get a girls number and never call.

The first time I did this was when I was young and just started dating. Women terrified me at that time and I was just too much of a wuss to call because I was scared of what the response might be.

As you get older and better that goes away. But the other scenario in which I wouldnt call would be either I drunkenly lost your number which has happened to me a couple times. Or I just get really busy either with another girl or life after getting your number and I just dont feel I have time for all the game playing.

Most of the time I call/text one time. There was a point in my life where I was getting a lot of girls numbers and experimenting with the response I'd get with how long I waited to call. I experimented with anywhere between 15 minutes and 15 days to see what seemed to get the most response. So you could be the unlucky woman who gets a message after 2 weeks.

Anonymous said...

How long should you wait after giving a man your number.

Anonymous said...

I've taken dozens of girls' numbers and never called. Reasons shared between myself and my friends (in order of likelihood): 1) Was just not that into her 2) Didn't think she was that into us 3) Just wanted to get the number to prove that we could get the number - it's just a game for some guys 4) Extenuating reasons (Loss of job, studying, loss in family).

Can get very complicated but those are the broad strokes.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean. I am a bit confused.

My own scenario. I met this guy, he was the one that actually stopped me and started chatting up with me. At first I wasn't all that into him but the more he talked, the more I clicked with him. Eventually he asked me for my number, I gave it to him and by the time I got home, he's already texted me. We chatted for hours, got to know each other and he ended up asking me out on a weekend date. I said yeah and ended the conversation. The next day I woked up, expecting to see a text or call from him. When I didn't, I texted him and we chatted again for a long time. The next day came, I woked up expecting to see his text or call and I saw nothing. I refused to text him or call him cause I didn't want to look needy. The next day came which was friday, I expected something and still nothing. It is irritating me cause I want to know why? Why disturb me by stopping me? why ask for my number? why chat up with me? why ask detailed information about me like you are trying to get to know me? why set up a date? It is so irritating. To add insult to injury, I was already talking to another guy before meeting him. I actually stopped conversant with the other guy because of him. I learn I wasn't all that into the guy anyway ( so one good thing came out of this) but he is persistent cause he keeps calling and texting and trying to set up a date. If only the guy I like would switch attitude with him. sigh!!!

The saddest thing is I do stuff like this to men all the time. I usually give numbers but I don't answer their call or text. I don't lead them on though like he did me. Sitting here thinking "why" is making me regret all that I did those other men. It is not a fun feeling wondering why or feeling rejected. Not fun at all and I would never do this to another guy. Ever again.

I wish a guy can decode this shit for me. This is the first time this happened to me and I hate. I want to understand it.

Anonymous said...

I am way out of the loop on things like this. I am in my thirties and divorced (he doesnt know that, asked if i had a bf) and don't even remember what dating is like because I was always in long term relationships. I completely agree with the if he wasn't smitten kittens comment..who cares? For me I am always curious why people do things and I get way too caught up in why.

So my scenario..I took an energy healing class. It was two days long no alcohol involved. Lol. There was a very attractive guy in my class. And we were kind've flirty. Not anything overboard just innocent. We spoke a little about what we did outside of class and made small talk. On the second day he asked me to be his partner so we did some energy work on each other and talked about what we felt and things. Well on the way out he followed me out and asked if I'd like to get together outside of class. I said sure and I gave him my business card. It had all my business info on it email, website, fb etc. I wrote my cell on the back. About half way through my writing he said I could've put your number in my phone. And I said we'll now you have this too. So I don't buy the lost it excuse because he could've simply put the number in his phone too. He walks me out to the parking lot and walks off to his car. There was no pause like he was waiting for something to happen or anything. He yells ill see you soon and I yell back talk to you in a bit. Result? Nothing.

If someone could shed some light I'd be curious. Mind you he was 35 and im 37 so we arent kids. Looks wise we are in the same ballpark on the looks scale. I joked with my friend and said I bet he got all the girls numbers. He puts them in a fishbowl and when he gets horny and wants a new flavor he fishes one out and tries his luck. I don't buy all that crap about you have to wait this many days to contact someone or it seems desperate. If you're interested you shoot someone a casual text pretty quick.

In all seriousness it's not about the guy. I should mention I majored in psychology and it always drives me nuts when I don't know why people do things. Yes it's a lot of wasted time being all up in my head all the time.

Anonymous said...

You like dick

Anonymous said...

It never happened to me to not call a girl who gave me her number after I've met her in a club, but to be honest I've haven't got to many numbers..I'm not very good looking or very confident either..I guess he would not call if it's not very confindent to call or he's got other options..

tory said...

Hi
I think it looks amazing. I'm not sure I would have had the patience that you had though

Anonymous said...

You give a guy your number. ..as he begs you for it...you have the most insane night together and as you go seperate ways you decide to give him your number. To him.....that was Saturday. ..its now Wed. ..is he going to call? ??

Anonymous said...

When a guy repeatedly asks for your number. ..and in the end you give him your number. ..you also ask him "are you going to call" and he shouts " I want to see you again. .ive been begging for your number" 3 days go by and he hasn't called. .is it to soon?

How long after does the guy ring? He seemed blown away by the girl and sounded very convincing...if she doesn't hear from him in at least 5 days. ..he was playing with her? ?? Or did he lose her number? ?
Very confusing as to why he hasn't called.