My friend's a mom now. Wow.

This is a special Mother's Day for me, because I got to send a present to one of my friends.

Sure, I know people who have kids, but this is the first year one of my close girlfriends, one of my "Sex and the City"-type girlfriends, has become a mother. And she -- I'll call her Madre -- has taken on a challenge that I think is scary, yet awesome: She's in the final stages of adopting a foster child.

Many of my friends want to have kids, but they're waiting until they're in a committed relationship or married to do so. And Madre, who's a couple years older than me, used to feel the same way. But she really wanted a child, and although she dated energetically and with purpose, she just wasn't meeting the right guy. After much consideration, she started the process of adopting a child through the California foster care system. Almost two years later, she now has an adorable 9-month-old girl.

Madre called me recently while she and her daughter were out for a walk. I could hear the baby cooing in the background. The joy in Madre's voice brought tears to my eyes ... and pain to my heart, because I'm not there to be one of the baby's many doting "aunts." I also want to be there for Madre because what she has undertaken won't be easy. The baby was born to drug addicts, so she had cocaine and pot in her system. Madre said when she first put her daughter on the floor, the baby didn't know what to do; Madre suspects that the previous foster parents, with four other kids in their care, never let her crawl around. Add to that the extra stress of being a busy professional who is also a single mom.

But if anyone can handle it all with good sense, patience and humor, it's Madre. I admire her for starting parenthood when she was ready, and for not letting the prospect of raising a child alone stop her. That baby girl is going to have one of the most fun, most loving, most well-rounded upbringings a kid could have.

As one of the doting aunts I've started doing my part. My Mother's Day gift to Madre? The CD "Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Metallica." Like me, Madre's got a little headbanger in her. Might as well start the kid off right!

OK to break up via e-mail?

Alisha: I was listening to morning talk radio a few weeks ago, and the station had a female caller who said she received a "break-up text message" from her boyfriend. The radio hosts couldn't believe the boyfriend was so insensitive.
Deirdre: I'm totally with them on that one. Important relationship info delivered via e-mail or text is one of my triggers. It makes me furious.
Alisha: Why does this upset you? Ever happened to you before? ... Oh, and I disagree to an extent. Breaking up via IM/text or e-mail is suitable in certain situations.
Deirdre: No, it's never happened to me, but I believe e-mail is often used as a crutch, or as an easy way to get out of dealing with a difficult situation. It's a route often taken by cowards, in other words. But let's discuss those situations you mentioned.
Alisha: If you've only been out on a couple of dates, and the relationship never progressed past a movie and dinner, then there's no harm in sending an e-mail to say, "Hey, there just isn't any attraction."
Deirdre: I disagree. In a situation like that there should be a phone call. You communicated before the dates and you saw each other on those dates, so an actual phone discussion is not too much to ask for. It's common courtesy.
Alisha: You're too old-fashioned. It all depends on the status of the relationship. I would never suggest using text messaging or e-mail as a medium of communication for a committed relationship. But, geez, if you don't even know the fella's last name, then sending him a text message to say "Adios amigo," is not that big a deal.
Deirdre: I'm OK with being old-fashioned in this case, because I'm all about treating each other with respect. Now, if all you did was e-mail and IM and you met once and didn't click, sure, a text would be fine. But if you normally talk and see each other and then you send a "Dear John/Jane" e-mail to say "I'm just not that into you," it's insulting.
Alisha: What if it's warranted? What if the partner cheated; so then is it OK to e-mail?
Deirdre: HA! Are you kidding? That calls for a confrontation of "Dynasty"-like proportions! If you're gonna send an e-mail, I suggest it be along the lines of, "I know what you did, so don't bother coming home -- the locks have been changed. And here's my lawyer's number."
Alisha: Sometimes I think an e-mail, an IM or a text message can take some of the pressure off. Again, this is all situational. Ending a marriage by text message? Whoever does that should have to answer to his or her maker.
Deirdre: Speaking of situational: I actually ended a close friendship via e-mail. We were so emotional, we couldn't talk without yelling or crying. We're both writers, so we were able to say what we needed to in e-mails. But we weren't sleeping together and didn't have kids, OK? A friendship is way different from a relationship. Write the e-mails if you need to say your piece. But when it's time to end it, look each other in the eye.
Alisha: In the past, when my husband and I bitterly disagreed on something, we wrote each other because like you, we're both prone to communicate our feelings through prose. But I still stick by the fact it's A-OK to text message a break-up - for the most part!
Deirdre: And I say if you're an adult, act like one. See them. Call.

All right, readers, what do you think?

Expanding on the pre-marriage wish list

Marriage isn’t easy, but it’s definitely one of the most fulfilling and gratifying things I’ve done so far in my young life. You just can’t beat having your best friend there by your side through thick and thin.

But, there are a few pearls of wisdom I wish I had been privy to before getting hitched. I’m not sure these tidbits of information would have altered any of my actions or decisions, but it is fun to come up with a wish list, right? Hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.

So here’s my list of things I wish I had known before getting married:

· If you have a joint checking account, when your partner buys you a birthday gift, you’re actually buying your own gift. Sometimes it’s easier to cut out the middle man and just go buy what you want.

· Women and men recall the same events differently. “I swear honey, I don’t remember you saying that!”

· Splitting up holidays among family and friends is a chore – one you’re thankful for because you have them in your life, but a chore nonetheless.

· Make sure your home has two bathrooms, one for each of you. It's the smartest move you can make.

· There’s an expectation that you can read the other’s mind.

· Both sets of parents want grandchildren, and they want them now.

· The small things, such as him buying your favorite wine or her mowing the lawn, mean more when you’re married than when you’re just dating.

· You can fall in love all over again, on numerous occasions.

Wachovia Championship is great for singles

I attended the Wachovia Championship on Sunday. First time I've been on a golf course. I expected to be there for a couple hours, just to satisfy my curiosity.

And you know what? I was there all day. It was that much fun.

It turns out that golf is like hockey: mind-numbingly boring on TV, but fascinating live. The downside is that watching live golf is a crap-shoot. I have co-workers who attended the tournament on earlier days; one came back pink from roasting in 90-degree temps and another came to work still shivering from that day's rain and cold. On Sunday the spectators were incredibly lucky -- for most of the day we had gorgeous, bright blue skies, a happy, temperate sun and plenty of cooling breezes. See that photo? I was chillin' like that by the lake, only closer to the action.

I'm mentioning the Wachovia for single folks, tho, because it can be one huge singles bar, if you want it to be. Thousands of people of all ages are strolling the course, lining up to see famous golfers tee off (look at that golf term I just used! I learned lots), or lolling in the grass, sipping beer and chatting. I was so fascinated by all the hot golfers -- you can get ridiculously close to them, and at one point I could've grabbed Tiger Woods and escaped in the lake ... if I could swim -- that it took me awhile to start noticing there were some hot guys in the crowd as well. And plenty of nubile young things in sundresses and flip-flips. And an overflow of well-off men and women of a certain age wearing designer golf gear, lookin' single and ready to mingle. It's easy to start conversations with the people near you; I spent so much time talking to the people next to me at the lake that we almost hugged when it was time to say goodbye.

When the Wachovia rolls around again next year, check it out. You could make a love connection on the back nine. (Golf term!)

I can't date like this

So ... I'm not in the best of spirits.

I got a nasty shock earlier this week. I ordered some pants online in a brand and size I normally wear. I excitedly pulled them on when they arrived.

And ... they were too tight. Not a "little" too tight, but "you-need-to-go-a-size-larger-because-your-gut-is-about-to-bust-the-zipper" too tight. I ordered the pants in the size I thought I was now, which is the largest size I have ever worn. So that means I am a size (or two?) larger than I've ever been in my life.

The next day I had to drag myself into work. I was discussing my predicament with a sympathetic co-worker when, without even thinking, I said:

I can't date like this.

I stopped, stunned, because I had encapsulated all my anxiety in that sentence.

Dating is about taking chances and putting yourself out there. You have to be comfortable enough with yourself to make yourself available to others. And if you don't feel your best, or you don't feel as though you are worthy of someone else's attention, you're gonna shut down. And let's face it, a big part of what makes us feel good about ourselves is how we look. How can we expect someone else to be attracted to us if we don't find ourselves attractive?

Also, a big part of romantic relationships is physical intimacy. And I'm not talking about sex, per se, but hugging, sitting close, the hand at the other's waist, the nuzzles and the playful, gentle touches. If you're always thinking, "Ooooh, I hope they didn't feel that fat roll," how can you relax and enjoy such gestures? How can you keep your body language from screaming, "DON'T TOUCH ME?"

And if you don't feel attractive, you'll do less to make yourself attractive. When I'm feeling good, I take extra care with my appearance. I wear my favorite outfits and I make sure my hair is cute. I'm not much for makeup, but I'll brush on powder and apply lip gloss. The past few weeks? It's been haphazard outfits, quick comb-throughs and ChapStick.

So the incident with the too-tight pants was, in fact, inevitable. I've known for months my weight has been creeping up, but I've done a great job of living in denial. Who wants to face that they've become a sloth? So I've put off trying on my summer clothes. Gone to bed early instead of going out on weekends. Felt the sludgy drag of my inactive body.

I'm just a ray of sunshine today, aren't I?

Well, I'm trying to change, but if you've ever struggled with your weight, you know the hardest part is the start. Last week I gave up candy. This week I cut back on cokes and paid attention to what I ate. Next week I (gulp!) go back to the gym.

I can't date like this. But hopefully, I won't be like this for much longer.

To the best friends I've never met

The first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Ladies and gentleman, I have a problem.

I, Alisha, am an Internet junkie. I crave breaking news alerts. I drool over wi-fi hot spots. I have over 10 e-mail addresses. The World Wide Web has been my little escape since 1995, back when America Online dialup was the only Internet.

In this day of constant connectivity, I’m fascinated by the interpersonal relationships formed through tiny cable wires and global satellites.

I have people who I’ve been chatting with via instant messenger for more than 10 years, and I've never met them or talked to them over the phone. I consider some of them to be my closest friends. Gosh, just typing that makes me feel funny. It’s like “friends” are supposed to be people you go shopping with, or who you call to say you’re gonna be late to the bar that night; they’re not supposed to be the people who send you birthday cards via e-mail or who make you smile by finding and posting the craziest YouTube links.

The proliferation of social unity sites and numerous e-mail hosts have made keeping up with family and friends easier than driving to the post office to buy a stamp (psssst, you can print off stamps at home now).

It might sound cheesy, but I’m thankful for the Internet and for my web addiction. Without it, I wouldn’t have received e-mails from my Grandmother in Michigan or Snapfish links to my friend’s vacation photos or IMs from my own husband while we’re working.

My time with Trouble

We've been discussing friendships here lately, so it really shouldn't have surprised me when this thought strayed across my mind:

I wonder whatever happened to Trouble?

Trouble is the nickname I've given a particular friend for blog purposes, since that's what she seemed born to cause.

Trouble was the night clerk at my first newspaper job right out of college. At 19, she was what you'd call a "wild child." Trouble was big all over: Tall and big-boned, with a big bust, a big mane of dyed blonde hair, big brown eyes, a big, beautiful smile and she was big on charm. We were a study in opposites, not only physically -- light and dark -- but personality-wise: She was an extrovert to my introvert, she was promiscuous where I was chaste; she was a rebel while I always followed the rules. Opposites really do attract. We became inseparable.

The characteristic Trouble and I did share was a love of partying. Thursday (and sometimes Wednesday) through Sunday we hit the clubs and bars. We lived 90 miles from New Orleans and were there often. When we went out, Trouble usually wore what I called her "club uniform": black micro-miniskirt, black blazer with no shirt underneath (the better to show off the black or red lace bras she preferred), and black you-know-what pumps. In my jeans and more conservative miniskirts, I looked like a nun.

In some ways, Trouble was good for me. I was 21 and old before my time. With Trouble, I became more adventurous and spontaneous. I slowly stopped worrying about what other people thought and got over my hangups about dancing in public. Who would look at me when Trouble was doing her thing right beside me? I became more comfortable with chatting up guys and flirting. We got tattoos together (this was before everyone and their grandmother had them) and I have great stories I could tell you: Trouble and me, front row at a Tina Turner concert. Trouble and me and male strippers (we became connoisseurs). Trouble and me in Panama City, Fla., during spring break.

But in more ways, Trouble was bad for me. We went on shopping sprees that put me in debt, mainly because I never even bothered to open the credit card bills. My work started to suffer; I would stumble into the office hungover, and once I wrote a story at 3 a.m., drunk. The partying we were doing every weekend? That's now called "binge drinking." We were often reckless; the end of a usual night for us was that the girl least drunk drove home. Thank goodness no one was ever hurt when we were on the road.

And Trouble? She was floating through life with no real ambition. Her night clerk job was part-time so she could attend school (she never went) and she lived with her doting grandmother, who existed in a cloud of denial. I would defend Trouble to my other friends, who were legitimately worried about me.

The truth? We were both messes.

After two years of skating around trouble with Trouble, my sense of self-preservation kicked in. I had repeatedly tried to reason with her about her destructive ways -- procrastinating about her education, foolhardy when it came to men, rarely sleeping, eating crap -- to no avail. I worried about my career and I was drinking too much. I changed jobs and moved away.

Trouble and I stayed in touch for years after. During one of her visits when I lived in Wilmington, she met her future husband while we were partying with Marines from nearby Camp Lejuene. Last I heard, they were still together and had two kids. When I left Wilmington for California, we grew apart and lost touch.

I'm not a particularly religious person, but whenever I look back on my time with Trouble, I literally thank God for keeping us alive and out of jail. We were young and foolish.

Some people are meant to be in our lives forever. And others are just ... Trouble.

Hey man, it happened for a reason

I'm a firm believer in the old adage: "Everything happens for a reason."

Think about it. Often when you feel like nothing is going your way, something happens -- you find a wadded-up $20 in the laundry, you run into that cute crush in the grocery store, or you ace the exam you studied a mere 10 minutes for. Some might call it a stroke of luck or perhaps mere coincidence, but I believe all of these little signs happen for a reason.

The past couple of months have brought about more than enough reminders that with a little patience, even good things come around sooner or later.

Below are a few examples from my life. I'd love to hear yours because it's encouraging to know that through the tribulations of life, there's a piece of good that comes out of every downturn.

1. No job -- finding renewed confidence: My husband lost his job in late October 2006. Now, after much emotional as well as financial sacrifice, he has a job he really enjoys and one that has great promise for the future.

2. Exes be gone -- for good: A friend of mine reconnected with an ex recently. When he saw her for the first time in many months, he learned some valuable information that made him thankful he never took the relationship to the next level. Who needs a woman that doesn't truly love you for who you are, right?

3. Burning bridges -- never a good thing: Have you ever had a boss who never should have been made a manager? And you wanted to tell them off, but you didn't want it to follow you the rest of your life? I have. And I recently learned that old boss will cross my path again because our companies have merged. It's a good thing I bit my tongue and turned the other cheek.

What is sexy?

Alisha: Have you ever met someone and thought, "Wow, he (or she) was really sexy?" It happened to me Saturday night when my husband, a co-worker and I went out to a Park Road Shopping Center hangout. I moseyed up to the bar and this guy next to me smiled and asked if he could buy me a drink. I told him no thanks (I was ordering for the group and didn't think it very southern belle-ish of me to ask him to buy three drinks). Though an older gentleman, he had baby dimples and his Portuguese accent made my knees buckle. It was so sexy!
Deirdre: YUM! Men with accents get me every time. In a movie I watched recently there was a scene where the main couple almost kissed. The guy was all up in the chick's personal space, but he didn't go for the kill because he knew she was unsure. He was giving her a chance to say no ... or yes. That was sexy.
Alisha: No doubt anticipation is a turn-on. How about a guy, with a good smile, walking his puppy at the park? That's hot.
Deirdre: You're walking down the street and you catch a whiff of cologne that smells so dee-lish, you almost give yourself whiplash looking around for who it belongs to. I LOVE a good-smellin' man!
Alisha: I would never get a tattoo on the small of my back, however, there is something quite sexy about a small, almost dainty-type tramp stamp.
Deirdre: Speaking of women, I watch boxer Laila Ali on "Dancing With the Stars" and I'm totally envious of her body. Strong is sexy.
Alisha: So is intelligence. Keith Olbermann is not exactly my idea of a hunk, but his depth of knowledge (especially his sports proficiency) makes him, and others with that breadth of IQ, instant cuties.
Deirdre: Amen! And please make passes, you boys who wear glasses!

Readers, don't be shy -- let us know what you think is sexy!

'The Namesake' will move you

I went to see a very touching movie yesterday, called "The Namesake." It really stayed with me, and I want to recommend it.

A quick plot summary, courtesy of Yahoo! Movies:

"When the the Ganguli family moves from Calcutta to New York, they embark upon a lifelong balancing act to meld into a new world without forgetting the old. Though parents Ashoke and Ashima long for the family and culture that enveloped them in India, they take great pride in the opportunities their sacrifices have afforded their children. Paradoxically, their son Gogol is torn between finding his own unique identity without losing his heritage. Even Gogol's name represents the family's journey into the unknown."

While the movie (based on a novel by Jhumpa Lahiri) tells the story of this family, it also tells the story of many families -- the relationships between parents and children, husbands and wives, our connections with our friends and our co-workers. It's about the pain of love affairs that fail and the joy and excitement of love that can be exchanged in a simple glance. And, as the title implies, it's about our individual histories -- where we come from, what it means to us, and how we choose (or refuse) to honor it.

Dudes, while there is no gun fire and no car chases, it's still an engrossing movie you can go see with your girl without feeling like you're stuck in a chick flick. Besides, one of the main themes of the movie is a father's relationship with his son. (And the movie's women are beautiful.) Ladies, there's romance and passion to make you sigh and tragedy and regrets to make you cry, all played out on a background of luscious India and fascinating New York.

But most of all, "The Namesake" will make you re-examine your own family -- and don't be surprised if you suddenly want to tell them how much you love them.

My boy friend has a girlfriend

My best male friend lives here in Charlotte. In a weird twist of fate, we knew each other for years in California and then moved to Charlotte, totally independent of each other, about six weeks apart.

It's been awesome having him here. He's become the big brother I never had. He knows things about me my husband, if I ever get married, will probably never know. We supported each other through our homesickness for California, and have learned about Charlotte together. He's always been there when I needed him, and I hope I've been able to fulfill the same role for him.

Here's the thing: Now he's got a girlfriend. Our relationship has totally changed.

I'm sure it was gradual, but "suddenly," it seemed, he wasn't home when I called, 'cause he was with his girlfriend. And if he was home, I couldn't come over to hang out because he was on his way out to meet the girlfriend. Dinner tonight? Sorry, already having dinner with the girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled for him. I know how much finding a woman to care about means to him; we've had long discussions late into the night about relationships and what we want out of them. I've listened to tale after horrible (and hilarious) tale about his hit-and-mostly-miss dating life. So when he met this chick and they clicked, I was totally stoked. (And before you think it, NO, I'm not interested in him romantically. He's like my brother, remember? Are you attracted to your brother? Didn't think so.)

I was happy, but still ... the diva in me was pouting. And she came out in the tackiest way possible: On my cell phone, as I waited to catch a flight at the airport.

We were chatting along when he mentioned his girl, and I couldn't stop myself. By this time I was feeling neglected and had been stewing over it for a couple days.

"I'm upset!" I blurted out. And at that point, there was no turning back. I told him how I felt, eavesdropping passengers be damned. (From now on I may cut people having difficult cell conversations some slack, because lord knows I didn't mean to air my dirty laundry.) I told him I realized I had gotten used to having him at my beck and call, and the transition was hard for me. I told him I was happy for him in his new relationship, and I understood we would be spending less time together, but that I also didn't want him to forget our friendship.

He listened to what I had to say and was glad I confided in him. He said even though he had a new woman in his life, no one would ever take my place in his heart. He promised that we would still spend time together.

He's been true to his word. Now if he doesn't hear from me, he calls every few days just to check in. We still have dinners and long conversations, but we've gotten better at scheduling them. Our friendship isn't as spontaneous as it used to be, but our time together is quality time.

The diva in me is satisfied.

Sometimes, a friendship is really over

Deirdre: I have a quandary. I used to be close friends with a woman I'd known since childhood. A few years ago, we had a falling out and stopped speaking to each other. Now my grandmother, who lives in the same town as this woman, is telling me I need to rekindle the friendship. She sees my ex-friend and thinks she doesn't look happy. She thinks I should take the first step.
Alisha: And, you're not wanting to heed your grandmother's advice, huh?
Deirdre: No. First of all, she doesn't know the whole story between us. Second, it's like I'd be trying to make up because I felt sorry for my ex-friend, and I think that's an insulting thing to do. Third, sometimes, friendships just ... end.
Alisha: Your final point is right on the money. Sometimes friendships just end -- especially if this friendship you're talking about concluded in a never-talk-again argument. So what if this woman called you up and wanted to be friends again? Would your thoughts change?
Deirdre: Actually, I think she kinda did. Out of the blue, she sent me an e-mail. It was one of those jokes or "beware, this might happen to you!!" things that people forward. She included me on a list of people she forwarded it to. Does that count as a first move?
Alisha: Mmmm. Maybe for some people but I don't think so. If it was, it was more so her opening the door, yet wanting you to take action. Can you sleep at night knowing she's no longer in your life? I say if you can, then you should leave things as they are.
Deirdre: I sleep just fine. When our friendship ended, we were to the point where we were toxic to each other. Why would I want to subject myself to that again? But all my grandma sees is a person who seems miserable and she wants me to make it better. But she's not thinking about what it would do to ME.
Alisha: Would you be open to calling up your friend one time to ask how things are going and then end it there? That way you've reached out to this woman but haven't really tried to rekindle the friendship, and you make your grandma happy at the same time?
Deirdre: I don't think it's possible, or fair, to do something like that. Have you done it before?
Alisha: Well, not to please my grandmother! ... Yes, I no longer talk with my best friend from my childhood because our lives just took two very different paths. I would call her up just to chat. She would do the same thing. We both realized we're just two very different people now. And we never had a BIG blowup, and that's where your situation differs.
Deirdre: I've changed even more since the friendship ended, which is why I think calling this woman would be a mistake. My grandmother thinks friends then, friends now, friends forever. I hope I can make her understand it can't always be that way. We can talk about this, my grandma and I -- she's very cool. And gets way more dates than I do!
Alisha: I say you stand your ground, tell your grandma how you feel and leave it at that. It's not her who has to face your friend. Sometimes, we do all we can do and there just isn't anything left.
Deirdre: Or maybe, sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing.

Balancing act: Friends and lovers

So you call up your best friend, and you ask him to go to the bar with you. Hey, it’s been awhile since you guys have hung out – just the boys, drinking, laughing, playing trivia – and you’re dying to get out of the house and leave the stresses of bills, work and family alone for a couple of hours.

When you get your buddy on the phone, he tells you he and his girlfriend are going to dinner and then are going to the movies. That’s fine – no problem. OK, how about tomorrow night, you ask. Nope, won’t work – the lovebirds have concert tickets already. So, getting desperate yet at the same time understanding that your friend is totally gaga over his new chick, you ask if next Saturday is doable. His reply? Her parents are in town. Geez!

Bottom line: Your buddy and his girlfriend won’t spend any time apart because they’re glued at the hip. Your role as the friend (or third wheel) just isn’t that important now that they have each other.

I’ve always wondered how often friendships are derailed because of a relationship. Can the friendship ever be truly repaired when it’s been put on an indefinite hold?

The worst is the lovey-dovey stage when a couple first meet and they ache to be around the other 24-7. But once the relationship grows more serious and breaks out of the spend-every-waking-moment with the significant other, then where does the best friend come in?

Some people can handle having best friends while at the same time having a serious relationship. Others, not so much.

I think the key to balancing it all is to be honest with your intentions and with yourself, and to make those parties aware of your own feelings. At least do your friend a favor and let him know your girl comes first rather than keep him guessing.

A night in NoDa

A friend and I recently attended an art/spoken word/food/music/mingling event at Dolce Vita wine bar in NoDa. I'll be sure to mention it here the next time the organizers plan one, because I'm often asked where folks of a certain age (meaning older than 25) can hang out and meet available people in Charlotte.

I'll mention this event not only because it's within easy bar/restaurant hopping distance of other places, but because the guys behind this are trying to build an environment, especially for black people, where folks don't have to scream at each other over loud hip-hop, or maneuver around couples doing the kind of dancing that can get girls pregnant. They want to provide a chill vibe where people can just come and hang out, nibble on some goodies, drink some wine, listen to some neo-soul and chat with others who actually remember the '80s and weren't born during them.

There's a pretty diverse group of people hanging out in NoDa, but there still manages to be segregation, and I don't really understand that. Maybe it's because I spent so many years in California, where everywhere you went, from the grocery store to the mall, there were at least 10 ethnic groups represented. But that night in Dolce Vita I sat on a comfy sofa near the window and watched people stroll by. It was a warm night, unlike the arctic freeze we're shivering through now, and the doors to the bar were open. Soothing music floated out, along with the chatter of people enjoying themselves. Numerous times I watched couples and groups of white folks walk by, slowing as they looked inside, drawn by the music and the laughter ... then, when they saw it was a crowd of well-dressed black people, continued walking. On a few occasions groups would stop and discuss it among themselves, and on some of their faces I saw curiosity and yearning, and I would silently send the message, "just walk in and have a drink. What could it hurt?" But none did. One white guy walked in and stayed, but by the way he perused the wine shelves and hung out at the bar, he obviously felt comfortable because he was a regular.

I know I sound like Rodney King here, but really, can't we all just get along? I don't think I'm being naive here. If you like the vibe of a place, why not check it out? (And before you come out with something like, "you're not from the South, so you wouldn't understand," let me add that before I went to California I spent my entire life in the South -- born and raised in Alabama.) Anyway, I had a good time, and I told the main organizer to e-mail me when they have another event.

I look back over what I've written here, and I see there's two points I'm trying to make, yet I might not be clear. So how 'bout this?

1) There are people in town (and these guys aren't the only ones) trying to provide an alternative to the young club scene for black people.

2) Just because the focus is black people, that doesn't mean everyone else is excluded. If you pass a place and it looks fun, why not go in?

A sex symbol who hated sex?

Deirdre: Interesting note in Anna Nicole Smith's diary: "I hate for men to want sex all the time. I hate sex anyway ..."
Alisha: I find it hard to believe Anna Nicole hated sex.
Deirdre: Really? I don't.
Alisha: Yeah, because you don't have affairs just to discuss the latest cover of People magazine. She had lots of men, some even married. You don't cross that line if you don't like sex.
Deirdre: You do if you equate sex with love, even though you hate the act itself.
Alisha: I think it's all a farce, and that was probably a big word and concept for Anna Nicole to understand. She didn't hate the act of making love to someone -- what she likely hated was how she felt in her loose ways or how others judged her because of it.
Deirdre: I disagree completely. I doubt if she knew what "making love" was. I believe she suffered what many women suffer from: extremely low self-esteem. And that carried over into the bedroom. Sure, men wanted her -- thousands upon thousands of men wanted her -- but could she fulfill their fantasies? She probably looked in the mirror, and where we would see a gorgeous body, she only saw the flaws.
Alisha: I have no doubts about someone's low self-esteem contributing to his or her clouded decision-making, however, I find it extremely hard to believe a woman is going to bed X amount of men and not somewhat enjoy the act.
Deirdre: Girl, porn stars do it all the time. And beauty can be a double-edged sword. In her case, she was all about looking beautiful for men. That was her bread and butter and rent money. Sex was probably part of the package in most cases. If she felt like it was something she HAD to do, not something she wanted to do, of course she wouldn't enjoy it. Also, if that's all men wanted when they were around her, it would get old pretty fast.
Alisha: I guess I liken it to, if you hate to cook, you're not gonna go out and enroll at Johnson & Wales. If Anna hated sex, she's not going to seek out men who are married.
Deirdre: Can you say "sugar daddy"?
Alisha: She had to have found aspects of sex exciting in order to continually do it, otherwise she would have just been arm candy. Again, married men aren't into arm candy.
Deirdre: Of COURSE they are!
Alisha: But JUST arm candy? Arm only?
Deirdre: Heh. Maybe not.

Should we keep exes in our lives?

Alisha: I have a girlfriend who makes a point to stay in touch, even though she's married, with her ex-boyfriends. She thinks it's important to be friends still.
Deirdre: WHY?!
Alisha: Because they shared portions of her life and they meant something special to her. ... I can see her points. I'd like to stay in touch with one of my exes but he prefers not to have anything to do with me because it's "too hard" for him.
Deirdre: Girl, there are men in my past that I wish would just fall off the planet. But I have to say, while I wish most of my exes the best in life, I really don't want to have a relationship with them.
Alisha: You can never have too many friends in this world. And there are so many varying levels of friends, that there's got to be a place for exes in there.
Deirdre: Tell me this: Does your friend's husband have a problem with his wife still calling and e-mailing old boyfriends? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, she could be mistaken for keeping backups in case the man she has doesn't work out.
Alisha: As far as I know ... the husband knows and has met all the exes, and he's totally cool with it. They're secure in their relationship. It's all about not letting go of the person as a friend, and leaving the person as a lover in the past.
Deirdre: I can't say I agree with your friend's decision. While I admire her ability to end her intimate relationships on sanguine enough terms to still be friends, I question the need to keep all those men in her life. And I wonder what effect the presence of her emotional past will have on her marriage.
Alisha: I think it just comes down to some people can delineate friendships from sexual relationships of old. If her and her husband is OK with it, then, what's the bid deal?
Deirdre: It's not the sex that worries me. It's the emotional connections.
Alisha: Why? With every person we befriend, we're going to establish some type of connection, even on the platonic level. Why can't two people understand and accept the way things are?
Deirdre: Lish, it's always fun to talk to you, because at some point I usually wind up saying this: You're being logical. When it comes to matters of the heart, logic often takes a back seat. I think most of us know the right thing to do, the logical thing to do. But you can't control how you feel.
Alisha: That's my point, though. If person A is married and she wants to be friends -- and friends only -- with her exes, then, what's the issue? She's controlling how she feels by saying, they're just friends.
Deirdre: I can understand wanting to remain on good terms with an ex. But once it's over, I think it might be best to leave the past in the past. Am I saying ignore that person if you pass them on the street? No. But making a point to keep in touch with someone because you once had a romantic thing with them is not the answer. Your friend wants to keep these men in her life because they meant something special to her. MEANT. It's like there's a part of her that will always be looking backwards, not ahead.
Alisha: What's that saying, "Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it." ... Totally dropping your exes just because they're labeled as an ex is disrespectful to him or her as a person. Now, if things ended on bad terms - for either person - that's a different story.
Deirdre: You make some excellent points. But I say you can learn from your past without keeping it in your present. And you and your partner can agree you don't belong together and amicably go your separate ways. Do I think exes can remain friends? Sure. I guess the point I want to make is, question motives. Why do you really want to keep this person in your life? And why do they want to stay? A little introspection can save a lot of wounded feelings.
Alisha: The key is to be honest with yourself, your significant other and your exes. If you are, and you communicate those feelings then there's nothing wrong with keeping exes as friends.

Premarital counseling: Waste of time or real-life benefit?

I have three good friends who are tying the knot this year, and they all seem to have the same concerns and stresses I had when I was about to get married: How will we pay for this? Should there be disposable cameras at the reception? Will our parents go for an open bar – on their tab? The list goes on and on, especially if you’re the bride!

One topic of discussion is premarital counseling.

Most premarital education is mandated when two individuals are to be married by a religious adviser. Each denomination has varying requirements; some want couples to take a year-long course with lots of homework (yes … homework!), and others prefer at least two meetings to discuss the ceremony and to make sure the couple is on the same page.

My husband and I had to go through the latter. We spent one afternoon meeting with our reverend and that fulfilled all of our counseling duties. During those couple of hours she quizzed us about several important topics, such as our perspective on our financial priorities, our feelings on starting a family and our overall goals for the relationship. I felt our session was productive in that we had an objective person going over some heavy questions that needed to be confirmed out loud.

Do I think my relationship was forever altered – in a positive or negative way – by our premarital counseling? No; my husband and I had already discussed most of what was asked of us. But would I recommend a couple go through such scrutiny before saying “I do?” Yes; it couldn’t hurt in case you hadn’t previously discussed some of the hypothetical situations.

Readers, I'd love to hear more about your experiences. How was your premarital counseling set up? Has it paid off for you? Would you encourage engaged couples to go through it?

And you think we've got problems!

I was listening to a BBC News roundup the other night while driving home, and particular story snagged my attention.

In Tokyo, there's a group called the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association that's dedicated to changing members' bad marital habits in order to save their marriages. Their Three Principles of Love, which members chant over and over: Saying "sorry" without fear, saying "thank you" without hesitation and saying "I love you" without shame.

Whoa.

Sure, a lot of this might be driven by the change in Japan's pension rules, which allow women to claim up to half of their husband's pension if they divorce. Said divorce adviser Hiromi Ikeuchi: "In Japan, 75 percent of all divorces are initiated by women. They're waiting because if they plan to get divorced anyway they want to wait so they get part of the pension. They've been waiting for three or four years, ever since the government announced it was changing the law."

So come April, when the change takes effect, there'll be a lot of Japanese husbands in for a nasty surprise. But I've gotta believe that many men, like the members of the National Chauvinistic Husband's Association, are waking up to the fact that the way they treat their wives is not right -- and just because they behave in the way their fathers did, and their grandfathers did, and so on, doesn't make their behavior acceptable now.

Shuichi Amano, who founded the association in 1999 (after his wife threatened to divorce him) says men don't know how to communicate well because they don't have experience initiating relationships and communicating with others, and have only been trained to achieve in the workplace and to be loyal to the company. So, yeah, Japanese men have decades of learned behavior to overcome, and the fact that some of them are making sincere attempts to alter their behavior now is admirable.

The National Chauvinistic Husband's Association ranks each member according to the level of sensitivity in marital relations he has achieved, and I find these levels to be quite telling. Keep in mind that only one of the hundreds of members has made it to Level 10.

Level 1: Is still in love with his wife after three years of marriage.
Level 2: Does a good job helping with housework.
Level 3: Has never cheated on his wife -- or his wife has never caught him cheating.
Level 4: Can practice a "ladies first" policy.
Level 5: Can take a walk with his wife while holding hands.
Level 6: Can listen to his wife seriously.
Level 7: Can solve problems between his wife and his mother in one night.
Level 8: Can say "thank you" without hesitation.
Level 9: Can say "sorry" without fear.
Level 10: Can say "I love you" without embarrassment.

Kinda makes you want to call your partner right now and shout "I LOVE YOU!!!" for all to hear, doesn't it?

You have a crush - and it's not your partner!

A co-worker recently presented us with this dilemma:

"A friend of mine is in a committed relationship, but is attracted to this other chick who's also in a committed relationship. All four know each other, and it's obvious when my friend is around them that he's nervous. What would you do? Try to hide it? 'Fess up?

"I told him to tell the other couple that he has a crush on the girl, but it's nothing more than that. But, don't tell his own partner because his girlfriend is jealous and wouldn't want them to hang out anymore."

Alisha: Quite the dilemma, and I bet it's one that comes up more often than we think - especially for those of us who tend to gravitate toward groups of people when we go out.
Deirdre: I agree. Whether you're in a committed relationship or not, you can't help who you're attracted to. It's whether you act on that attraction that makes the difference.
Alisha: Which means drinking around said attraction is a bad idea! That's when you might lose control of your actions. So the question is, try to hide it or should one fess up to his desires? What would you do?
Deirdre: I would ride it out. The thing about crushes is, they're transitory. They're often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.
Alisha: I'm with you on this but for a different reason. If you're in a committed relationship, then you're just that - committed to each other. You shouldn't be macking on someone else. To notice one's beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.
Deirdre: Would you hide your attraction to someone else from your husband, or confess it?
Alisha: Confess it. Plus, there's a difference between admiring one's beauty and having a crush on someone. As a married person who is totally in love with my spouse, I'm not going to develop a crush. I am, however, open to fully admitting who I think is hot.
Deirdre: And your husband is OK with that? Does he do the same?
Alisha: Oh yeah! It's in our nature to notice if someone is attractive. Anyone who doesn't notice or stare at a gorgeous person is lying about it or totally kidding themselves.
Deirdre: Did you notice our co-worker suggested telling the other couple about the attraction, but not to tell the guy's own jealous girlfriend? What a way to imperil the friendship. And that chick is gonna want to cut somebody when she finds out -- and you KNOW she'll find out. If this is going to be discussed, it should be with one's partner, not the partner's friends.
Alisha: Your partner should be the first to know, no doubt about it.
Deirdre: However, I contend that if you know A) you have a harmless crush, no more, and B) such information will hurt your partner, why tell them?
Alisha: If it's truly harmless, what's the harm in telling?
Deirdre: Girl, you're being rational. Jealousy is an irrational emotion.
Deirdre: But I have to add that if your crush doesn't eventually go away, or you find yourself developing deeper feelings for that person, it's a warning sign that there may be a problem in your relationship. And that DOES need to be discussed.
Alisha: That's the point. There should be communication going on from the start. Your partner shouldn't be finding out you've developed crushes on people after months of drooling.

How honest should you be on a first date?

A dear family friend posed a question to me a few weeks back. Let’s set the scene so you can understand her inquiry:

A 58-year-old divorced woman is on the dating scene. She’s a gorgeous mother of two children, owns her own business and has quite the nest egg in the bank. An old friend of a friend hooks her up with a southern widower, age 61. They meet at a fine restaurant and share several glasses of white wine.

As most first dates go, the conversation is a volley of getting-to-know-you questions. She asks this former Baptist preacher what happened to his beloved wife of 30 years. He explains how she had cancer and he, with great love and little regret, took care of her for eight years before she died. Almost a decade he spent by her side, feeding and bathing this terminally ill woman, the apple of his eye.

The question and answer session then turns toward the woman. After hearing her date’s story, she is at a loss for words.

You see – this woman has cancer.

She isn’t sure of what to say or if she should be honest with him about her health. What man in his right mind would want to date a woman who could possibly end up just like his wife, she thinks.

That night, she elected to gloss over the fact she has cancer. She didn’t want to overwhelm him, and she hoped he would pursue a follow-up date. But, she is currently pondering with a heavy heart her blatant omission.

She didn’t want to scare him away. Can you blame her, though? Most folks would probably run – and why not? This is the first date and it’s the best time to do it, certainly not after 10 dates when you’ve already met the family and feelings are now deeply burned into everything you do.

So, to her question of how honest one should be on the first date – easy answer. No lies, no omissions and no twisting of truth. If someone doesn’t accept you for you, then you’re better off without that person.

I'm a sucker for schmaltz

There's a certain aspect of my personality that I'm reveling in right now, thanks to a singer named Omarion. It's the part of me that loves schmaltzy pop ballads.

Have you heard Omarion's song, "Ice Box"? It's a doozy. Basically, Omarion is in this relationship that he really wants to salvage, right? But he was hurt -- hurt bad -- by the last woman he gave his heart to. So now he's having problems with the current chick -- even though she gets along great with his mom, his dad, his friends (hey, I'm just paraphrasing lyrics here) -- because he's scared he'll get hurt again.

The kicker is the chorus:

I got this ice box where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this ice box where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

ICE BOX?! How old school is that? My great-grandma used to refer to the refrigerator as the ice box. And he's so cold, so cold, so cold, so ...

We GET it, dude.

The song is stupid. But it's also irresistibly catchy. And while the lyrics are corny, the underlying emotion -- fear of giving your heart to someone, only to have it stomped on and kicked back to you -- is universal. Plus, you've got a guy like Omarion, who's not hard on the eyes, begging his way through it. Catchy, universal and some pretty whining: Isn't that why a song like "Ice Box" does so well?

I'm not saying I'll put the song on my iPod, but I will crank it up every time it comes on the radio. And I'm sure I'm not alone. A little schmaltz can brighten one's day.

Some beliefs die hard -- REAL hard

At work this week I saw a familiar face as I walked into one of the break rooms for a Coke. I've seen him several times around the Observer building; an easy-going fellow who always has a hello. He was reading as I entered, but briefly glanced up to exchange pleasantries.

As I pulled my Coke from the machine he asked, "Did you get permission?"

I turned to find him watching me, wide-eyed, whatever he was reading momentarily forgotten. I froze, confused, and looked down at the soda in my hand.

"Permission for what?" I asked with a frown. To buy a Coke? Was this dude joking?

"To cut your hair," he replied, as if it were obvious.

I recently had my hair cut into a modified flapper 'do, and when slicked back -- as it was that day -- it looks very short, indeed. But I was even more confused. Was he talking about some Observer dress code I didn't know about?

"Why would I need permission?" I asked slowly, still rooted in place.

"Aren't you married?" now he was the puzzled one.

What the ...?! I thought as the meaning sank in. No he didn't!

I raised my left hand and wiggled the fingers. "Nope. Not married."

"Oh," he said, relaxing back. "I thought you were married."

Whoa, I thought as I exited the break room, popping open my Coke. I need my husband's PERMISSION before I cut my hair? Men still think like that?

I don't know if the women-are-supposed-to-have-longer-hair thing is strictly Southern, but it's certainly generational. As I sat down at my desk I remembered that every now and then, my mom's boyfriend wishes aloud that she would let her hair grow out of her hassle-free and totally cute pixie cut. She usually rolls her eyes, mutters something about how he wouldn't be the one stuck styling it every day, and keeps on keepin' on.

I second that emotion!

Totally unrelated, but I love it:

Earlier this week, Ukrainian Hryhory Nestor celebrated his 116th birthday. He is presumed to be the world's oldest living man.

Nestor puts his extraordinary longevity down to a diet of milk, cheese and potatoes ... and to the fact that he never married. "I liked my freedom," he said. "I would spend my time with one girl and then another."

Player, player, play on!!

Bring on the bachelorettes

This weekend I’ll partake in a time-honored tradition: The bachelorette night.

I’m flying out in the morning and will return on Monday after a three-day bachelorette getaway. I’m super excited, not only to celebrate with the awesome bride-to-be, but also because I’m going to a big city – one I’ve never visited before, Boston – to paint the town. Me and 11 other women. Watch out!

The whole idea of bachelor nights and bachelorette weekends got me thinking about how men and women approach the concept.

Here’s what I think applies to the majority, especially after attending many bachelorette nights: Men see the bachelor night as a final sexual fling before the ring becomes a permanent fixture on his left hand. Women view bachelorette nights as a chance to bond with the girls and to be the center of attention for one big party.

Don’t get me wrong, bachelorette parties can have sexual connotations as well. But rarely have I witnessed or heard of a woman being unfaithful on the celebratory night (all I had was R-rated male strippers). I have heard from quite a few guy friends that men, more often than not, will break that oath of faithfulness (and yes, oral sex is sex) because well, they’re not married – yet.

I’m curious if my theories are common knowledge or if I’m just way off base, because you know - "What happens in Boston, stays in Boston."

My mom wants a son-in-law

During my last phone conversation with my mother, she informed me she's ready for me to be in a relationship.

"I want to meet somebody when I come visit," she calmly demanded. "I'm getting impatient."

She's a firecracker, my mother.

There was a time when I would've freaked out and immediately been in the bars and clubs and talking to dudes in grocery stores and stuff, 'cause pleasing my momma was that important to me. But when she said she was ready to be a mother-in-law, I just chuckled indulgently. As I think I've made pretty clear in this blog, while she might be ready, I'm certainly not. And when it comes to having a man in my life, I'm the one who matters, right?

I know I've put my poor mom through the wringer. I'm sure it's not easy to have such ... quirky offspring. And I know it must be hard when most of your friends have married-off kids (some of them even on their second marriages) and a passel of rowdy grandkids, while your only child, at the ripe old age of 12, announced that she was never going to have kids and now looks to be sashaying towards 40 without ever tying the knot. (And she broadcasts such information over the Internet, to boot!)

We've had mental tug-of-wars over me and men for years. While I was in college, my mother was not-so-pleasantly surprised to find out I was dating black guys ... and non-black guys. She was probably proud she had raised such an open-minded daughter, but maybe a little horrified as well. "I would prefer it if you married a black man," she said quietly, but that's all she said. Fast-forward to years later, after I broke up with my last boyfriend, who happened to be a blue-eyed blond. I went on an international tear that included a Moroccan, a French-Algerian, an Albanian, a Nigerian and a couple Mexicans. I went to visit my cousin in the Netherlands and swooned over the tall Dutch men.

By this time, my mom was over the black thing. "Can't you date Americans?" she asked, exasperated.

And now I get this: "I want to meet someone when I come visit." No race preference. And you notice she said someONE, as if she might even be OK if I was snuggled up to a chick when I opened my front door. (Don't worry mom; he'll be a he.)

While her demand may seem a tad petulant and selfish, I know where it's coming from. I'm not getting any younger, and neither is she. I know she worries about me, so far away. She wants me to have someone who loves me, takes care of me and keeps me safe when she can't. She doesn't want me to be lonely and alone.

But she's gonna have to be wait a while longer. What's that the Supremes sang? "You can't hurry love." Not even for impatient mothers.

Household cleaning -- yeah, it's our sore spot

Most journalists are fed public relations fodder on a daily basis, and since Deirdre and I write about relationships and sex, you can imagine the field day PR flacks had with us around Valentine’s Day.

We didn’t want to inundate you with rambling facts or useless percentages, but there is one survey we received in an e-mail that I keep thinking about, even though Cupid’s holiday is almost a month past.

PayPal commissioned a “Can’t Buy Me Love” survey of more than 3,000 people, and though the results focus mostly on how couples like to hide purchases from their spouse, one little factoid resonates with my relationship: “Money beats out sex and house-cleaning as the number one issue couples fight about – 37 percent of young couples report that they fight more about money than cleaning (34 percent) or frequency of sex (28 percent).”

Oddly enough, my husband and I don’t argue that much about money – when you don’t have a surplus of it, it’s hard to fight about it, at least that’s the way we see it. One issue that pops up with some frequency is house cleaning. I hate doing dishes. He hates doing laundry. So you would think we would have it made; we each do the chore that the other loathes, but it doesn’t always work out that way. There are some days when the dishes pile up or the laundry takes on a life of its own, and we both drop the ball.

Let’s set an all-too familiar scene in the Hord house:

Me: “Hey hun, will you please do the laundry today?”
Husband: “Don't worry, I'll get to it.”
Fast forward two days later.
Me: “Oh, love of my life, when are you going to do the laundry?”
Husband: “Tar Heels are playing right now, Alisha. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
A day passes – not one shirt has made it to the washer.
Me: “What’s it gonna take to get the laundry done?”
Husband: “Did you do the dishes yet? When you do the dishes, I’ll do the laundry.”

Aaaaaahhhh!!! This little scenario plays out more often than I ever thought it would. And don’t get me wrong, I’m just as guilty as my husband is at putting off household chores and then saying I’ll get to them later.

So when I read that 34 percent of respondents in the survey argue about cleaning, I was relieved. You should have heard the sigh I let out. I thought it was just us who consider daily chores to be a frequent source of, um, let’s just call it pleasant disagreement.

Please, tell me we’re not alone?

About those adorable boys

A reader remark on yesterday's blog really got to me, and I feel the need to reply. His comment:

"Quit over-thinking things. YOU PEOPLE ... the women-folk ... make everything too difficult and you are your own worst enemies. That guy might turn out to be the man of your dreams, but you're too busy thinking about things outside of the present to get to step one. Live in the moment!"

And to that I say: "Live in the moment?" Dude, what do you think I've been doing?!

I've spent the majority of my dating life living in the moment. And it's gotten me some great times, to be sure, but also plenty of short-lived ones. I've decided I want more than that, and to accomplish it, I've got to operate differently than I have in the past.

The most important step in finding a suitable mate is to KNOW YOURSELF. To know what's important to you, know what you're capable of in a relationship, and know what you will and will not put up with. In other words, that means having what a good friend of mine refers to as a "come to Jesus" talk with yourself. I've had plenty of those chats over the past couple of years, and here are the top two conclusions I've come to.

1. I want to be in a stable, honest, intelligent pairing filled with love, laughter and passion. Such a relationship is possible for me, but it's gonna take some work and patience to find.

2. The men I tend to be attracted to often have the "love, laughter and passion" stuff down, but fail miserably at the "stable, honest and intelligent" part. After years of failed attempts, I have accepted that this is not the type of man for me. However, because such men are my weakness, I have to be alert.

And yes, that means thinking before I act. I don't consider that making things difficult for myself; in fact, I see it as saving myself a lot of heartache down the road. I sense there are plenty of women out there who would read this and shake their heads in recognition and understanding. There comes a point where you have to stop letting your heart -- and your loins -- lead the way.

Now, if all this means I'm gonna miss out on a guy who I'll have a great time with in the short run, I'm OK with that. I'm looking for a man who's ready to have a great time for years to come.

Get thee away from me, adorable boy!

So right after I blab in a previous blog about how I don't have time to date, what happens? I meet a cute guy, of course.

Oh, don't get so excited. Nothing's gonna happen. The timing is amusing, that's all.

Remember what I keep saying about how you have to be open at all times if you want to attract dating possibilities? I didn't realize I was following my own advice!

I spent Monday morning at a car dealership, having my car, Pandora, worked on. The guy who took my information and checked Pandora in was adorable. I thought I was looking pretty rough -- old sweats, no lip gloss, and I brought my knitting, for chrissakes -- but he seemed to think otherwise. Lots of extended eye contact and over-explanation of processes. He pulled me aside later to fill me in on Pandora's progress and used the time for a little flirting. When my car was ready to go, he walked me out and we stood talking for awhile. Turns out we had something in common: We've both lived in California and would love to go back someday. He made a point of telling me, at least half a dozen times, that if I needed anything, anything at all, all I had to do was call the number at the top of my auto papers. We shook hands and there was a pregnant pause, like in the movies ... and we went our separate ways.

I know what you're thinking. "You fool! Why didn't you give him your number? Why didn't you get HIS number? Why didn't you give him that little nudge to let him know it was OK to ask you out?"

Well, I wanted to do all of the above, but something inside stopped me. As I drove off, I realized what it was.

I'm growing up, dammit.

You guys, that dude was way too young for me! Nowhere near 30. And can you imagine how many chicks he must hit on at work? He's just the type of man I can't stop being drawn to: good-looking, extroverted, a little goofy, a lot flirtatious. The guys who are great fun in the short-term, not so great for the long haul. How many men like that have I tried and failed? That's what I mean when I say I'm "growing up": Instead of throwing myself heart (or libido) first into something that obviously has no future, I'm actually taking time to consider my actions and have "back to reality" conversations with myself.

You want someone your age, Deirdre.

You want someone a bit more serious and a bit less flirtatious, Deirdre.

You want someone your HEIGHT, Deirdre. Why are the cute ones always so short?

Sigh. Reality sucks ... but it's right.

Too busy for ...

Deirdre: I've heard from a few people wondering if we're still writing this blog. At first I was like, "What? We just posted!" But then I took a look. It's been awhile, huh?
Alisha: We're still alive -- just barely. Work has been kickin' our tails. And, not sure about you, but it's also put a huge damper on the love life. I don't think there are enough hours in the week to fit in a super-busy job, extra time to sleep AND one-on-one time for a relationship.
Deirdre: I was all psyched to start going out more, but I just haven't had the energy. Also, I was thinking that we're so busy, it's a bad idea to try to start something new with a guy. I wouldn't have time for him! But you've already got a man at home. How's that going right now?
Alisha: Things are great relationship-wise. It's just you really start to wonder where the time goes when you're seeing your spouse for 30 minutes (or less) each day. I don't believe it's healthy for a married couple to spend every waking minute together (independence and separate friends are a glorious thing), but at the same time, it's difficult to get some quality time in when you're kissing each other good night and that's all you see of your spouse.
Deirdre: Have you two discussed it all? Is he upset that you're never at home?
Alisha: It's not just me who isn't at home. We're young professionals, trying to save money for the house, the kids and the white picket fence. The spark between us isn't gone - it's just that fine line of trying to balance everything .... What about you? You say you don't have energy for a man right now, but I know you would find ways to make time. If you (or we) care about someone enough, you just make the time somehow.
Deirdre: You are correct! And I have to be honest -- right now, I don't want to make the time. At first I was fussing at myself about it, but I don't want dating to become a chore. It's supposed to be fun, and if I tried to do it right now, it would be forced. Besides, I'd rather use the time I have to nurture my friendships. There are people in my life who haven't heard from me lately, and they're starting to ask for updates. So the dating will have to wait until I'm physically and emotionally open to it.
Alisha: It'll happen. Let's hope our busy schedules slow down soon -- we need more nookie!
Deirdre: Amen!

Readers, we know we aren't the only ones in this situation. What do you do to keep your relationships -- romantic or otherwise -- in good standing?

YouTube breakup: Not cool

Alisha: So, Deirdre ... I'm curious to know your thoughts on the infamous YouTube break-up, since it now seems our society has progressed (or digressed?) into breaking up with your partner in front of a crowd, and then airing it on the world wide web.
Deirdre: First, let me just say that if that had been MY man, I woulda stomped him into a grease spot and happily gone to jail for it. If what he did was for real (and there's some question about that), it was simply unconscionable.
Deirdre: Second, I blame Jerry Springer for this.
Alisha: From watching several online videos of "the breakup", I didn't see a fight break out, a shaved-head bodyguard or a 400-pound man in women's panties. So, why is Jerry Springer to blame?
Deirdre: People want their 15 minutes of fame and Jerry was really the first to provide a platform for relationship exhibitionists. All they have to do is humiliate themselves and the one they claim to "love." And now, thanks to the Internet and YouTube, people can take that yearning one huge step further, without having to fly to Chicago for his show.
Alisha: Eh ... With all of these new media outlets now accessible to any average joe who has a USB port -- audio, MP3s, camera phones, etc. -- I just don't think Mr. Ex-Mayor of Cincinnati should take the fault for this one. Seems to me the UNC student showed off his stupidity and his lack of respect. My thing, the girl, Mindy Moorman, seemed to handle her business. She didn't go off running and screaming. I applaud her.
Deirdre: Me too! She held her own, considering she was supposedly caught off-guard. But what really bugs me is the immaturity of it all. The guy goes off half-cocked because of what a friend told him, and didn't even bother to discuss the situation (she allegedly cheated on him) with the chick. The whole thing coulda been a lie.
Deirdre: But even if it wasn't a lie, you don't do such a thing in public. I'm a decade older than you, and 10 years ago, the dude would have confronted her in private, or just stopped calling her. There would have been none of this public humiliation business. Really, what does it say about HIM that he felt the need to do this?
Alisha: You mean none of this public humiliation business spread over the entire world. I'm sure the hippies and the beatniks and my grandparents' generation had alternate ways to humiliate. ... But you're right - that relationship screamed for some communication. At least now the girl knows what kind of a jerk she was hooking up with. Everything happens for a reason.
Deirdre: Yeah. If it was a true breakup, she's probably thinking she dodged a bullet. And if it wasn't, shame on them for trying to trick the YouTube universe. Don't they have, like, classes to flunk? Get back to studying!
Alisha: I'm thinking we're going to see a wave of copycats pop up. I will pray for all you single people, and hope I don't see you on the next Internet breakup video. Maybe the biggest dealbreaker of 2007 will be: "If the guy or girl has a YouTube account."

Faces behind sexual dysfunction

When reading Tonya Jameson’s story on sexual dysfunction affecting young couples in Charlotte, I have to say I was a tad surprised, but not for the reason you might think.

All of the couples interviewed went by first names only. Wow, that’s super odd, I thought. If the point of the story is to bust down this big myth that sexual dysfunction only affects couples well over age 40, then why would my generation even consider hiding behind a cloak of anonymity? You should be loud and proud, ready to scream to the world that you and your partner are not alone in your own little sexual hell.

But … wait a second here … The light bulb in my head all of a sudden grew into a much brighter shade of yellow. (No jokes please!)

There’s the catch. What if I had to not only admit to but also proclaim – on paper or in a blog, no less – that yes, my husband and I do indeed have a serious sexual dysfunction? It’s easy to talk about someone else’s problems, but when it comes to breaking down the game film of our own sexual lives – that’s hitting a tad too close to home.

I don’t want to spill my guts about every sexual problem my husband and I have encountered in our short marriage. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to divulge such sensitive topics. Would you want your family and coworkers reading your blog about how your husband lasts a mere five minutes or how your wife puts in a 60-hour work week and ya’ll haven’t had sex since before Christmas, for example (and no, these are not issues in my relationship)? I think not.

Maybe this supposed “myth” really isn’t a myth after all. I bet most of us know sexual dysfunction doesn’t just affect Baby Boomers. I bet most of us know there is help out there for our sexual woes, no matter how long you’ve been married or how long you’ve had sex.

Thing is, what we do realize is it’s just not easy putting our names right next to it.

Such a thing as nice guys finishing last?

Alisha: There's one cliche many of my guy friends tend to loosely throw out when discussing their dating lives: "Nice guys always finish last." I want to know why they feel this way.
Deirdre: Did you ask them?
Alisha: Yes. Some of them question why girls don’t want to be treated right. Others list off all the things they have going for them: a steady job, decent income, a loving family, etc.
Deirdre: Hmm. That's tough, because I know a lot of women who feel the same way. I used to feel the same way about myself, in fact. Here's the conclusion I came to: It's not about how much I make, or what job I have or how many years I went to college. What's going on here is I pick the wrong kind of guy. I think a lot of these "nice" guys and girls might have the same problem.
Alisha: So because you pick the wrong person, you automatically lump yourself into "I never get the guy (or girl) category?" Why not say, "I just always pick the wrong type to date"?
Deirdre: Oh, I agree! That's what we should be doing! But when it comes to the nice ones not getting the partner they want, part of it might be their behavior as well. Wouldn't you agree?
Alisha: Are you saying all nice people are timid when it comes to approaching a potential partner?
Deirdre: No. But some are. Courtship can be a scary thing, especially if someone doesn't have a lot of experience.
Alisha: Sure, the routine can be quite intimidating. It's just the reverting to the "I'm a nice guy so that's why I'm still single" is a bunch of hogwash. If people want to think they're always going to finish last and never get the girl or guy because they're a nice person -- I guess there's just no changing their mind. It all sounds like excuses to me.
Deirdre: True. But I would caution them to take a long, hard look at themselves. Are they going after unattainable people? To put it bluntly, there's a certain subset of people who think they are too young, beautiful, cocky and rich to hook up with anything other than young, beautiful, cocky and rich people. If you don't meet that description, keep your nice self away. Or ladies, know how there are "bad" boys? Avoid 'em like the bird flu. You might have a good time at first, but you'll probably get your heart broken ... or your stuff stolen.
Deirdre: So what advice would you give your "nice guy" friends? I'm assuming you've discussed this with them.
Alisha: Jump off the nice-guys-finish-last high horse, dust off your smile, open up your ears and look at life as though your one true love just hasn't found you yet. Oh, and stop making excuses – nice guys can finish first.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Good luck to all the guys and gals who had to buy gifts. I hope your beloved doesn't turn their nose up at what you got! And to all the chicks scampering around with roses delivered to them at the office: try not to rub it in too much to the folks who didn't get any, OK? That's bad karma.

Now, before I go stuff myself with chocolate and those chalky little candy hearts, I had to share this bit of incredibly bad timing. An e-mail from a friend:

"You know how Amazon.com occasionally sends you e-mails with recommended purchases? This is the subject line for the one I just got:

Amazon.com recommends He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys and more

"Happy freakin' Valentine's Day."

Day of love, multipartisan style

I don’t like writing about Valentine’s Day. Everyone has his or her own opinion on how to deal with it, sans a significant other or not.

And much like Valentine’s Day, I don’t like writing about politics. No matter what you say or how you say it or with what spin you put on it, you just simply cannot win.

In giving it some heavy thought – over a Bojangles’ biscuit and a small sweet tea – I think there's some striking similarities between a person’s political stance and his or her approach to Valentine’s Day. Yes, this might be stretching things a bit and it might lean a tad toward stereotyping, but I’ve never seen a comparison chart of two such vastly different topics. So here’s my attempt:

Democrats: In this liberal relationship, both partners receive gifts. They’re the ones walking around Hallmark with the 4-by-6 foot Garfield “I love you” card. Valentine’s Day is spent with breakfast in bed, a picnic lunch, and a five-star steak dinner preceding a trip to the movie theater.
Republicans: With the more conservative approach, the lady is the one who is showered with gifts, chocolates and flowers. Guys take a backseat on this holiday. A typical Valentine’s Day would include the lady receiving red roses at work and the kids making Mom dinner.
Independents: These are the couples who will often decide together to boycott the holiday because, well, why do you need one day of the year to express your love? They might purchase a card for each other, but the festivities are spread throughout the year.
Green Party: Valentine’s gift ideas for a Green Party member – subscription to National Geographic, a basket filled with herbal tea and tofu and an aloe plant instead of commercial roses.
Libertarians: Don’t be surprised to see these folks throwing a Valentine’s Day party. Why not? Play some games, eat some food, drink some wine. As a party that believes in strong civil liberties, this group isn’t going to hold anything back when celebrating.
Socialist Labor Party: Doesn’t Valentine’s Day fall on a Wednesday this year? Um, yeah. So these people are going to treat Wednesday just like every other Wednesday. Get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, go to bed and repeat the next day. It’s as simple as that.

Got any more political parties and similarities?

V-Day: Damned if you do .. or don't

I've got single friends scattered all over the place planning anti-Valentine's Day celebrations.

Oh, I know where the impulse comes from. The Valentine's backlash is almost as strong as the unyielding force that pushes so many people toward flowers, fancy dinners, lingerie and good chocolate on Feb. 14.

I used to embrace the "anti" concept. Because of uncanny relationship timing (looking back, I may have had more of a hand in that than I care to admit), I've spent more Valentine's Days as a single woman than as a girlfriend. So I did the "flirt madly with hotties in the club" thing. I did the "raucous night out drinking with girlfriends" thing. I did the "stay at home, drink cheap wine, eat Chinese food and watch sad movies" thing. I did the "meditate on where you are in life and open yourself up for love" thing, complete with the "cleansing" burning of the sage. And I've come to the conclusion that the anti-Valentine's Day celebrations are just as toxic as the Valentine's Day ones.

But really, what can people -- single or attached -- do? We've all been conditioned that Feb. 14 is a day of such romantic significance that even revelling in the rebellion is significant. I plan on treating Wednesday like it's a regular day, and even THAT is sending a message. You can't win for losing, in other words.

I even tried to start a mutiny in my last relationship. You can imagine how it went. We had been together only about three months, and I tried to take the pressure off by saying we didn't have to celebrate Valentine's Day. I patiently -- and, I thought, rationally -- explained my reasoning. Valentine's Day is a manufactured holiday that holds no real meaning. The day is awash in a sea of unrealistic expectations. Men get the worst deal of all, because they're supposed to produce the perfect gift -- if it's not shiny and expensive, it must be the most well-thought-out and heartfelt present ever. Plus, we were so new, I argued, how could we know each other's likes and dislikes? So let's just not get each other anything. Besides, the year has 364 other days for romantic possibilities.

My boyfriend said he agreed. He said it was a good idea that made sense. There were kisses and laughter. I breathed a deep sigh of relief, and was proud of this, our first big decision as a couple.

Then Valentine's Day rolled around, and he got me a card anyway. I got him nothing ... because that was the agreement. His feelings were hurt. "I didn't think that 'nothing' included cards," he whined. All I could do was shake my head.

So after years of Valentine's Days as a single and an attached person, I've come to this conclusion: All we can do is grit our teeth and power through it. Do whatever you've got to do to get to Feb. 15 and still be able to sleep in your own bed, talk freely with friends and loved ones, and look at yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience. If that means reservations at your beloved's favorite restaurant, do it. If that means partying with your single friends at an anti-Valentine's celebration, do it. If that means choosing a gift that didn't come from a convenience store or clearance rack, do it. If that means sitting at home, eating Ben & Jerry's and sobbing at the end of "Sleepless in Seattle," do it.

There is no judgment here. We're all going through the same thing.

Music to set the mood

Deirdre: Hello, young (and young at heart) lovers! Are you getting geared up for Valentine's Day? We've got something to help things go smooth-like: A dozen songs to get you in the mood. And while you may have heard these before, you probably haven't had a chance to get sick of them thanks to heavy radio rotation.
Alisha: And knowing what you guys know about us, you can probably guess Deirdre and I have not selected the same songs!
Deirdre: HA! So true!



Alisha: So, whatcha got on your playlist?
Deirdre: First on my list has to be a Marvin Gaye song. Not "Let's Get It On"; that's overplayed. I'm talking 'bout "I Want You." The song is candid and mature, and it's a perfect blend of love and lust, the sacred and the sensual.
Alisha: Who doesn't love Marvin Gaye? ... Topping my list is Tracy Byrd’s “Keeper of The Stars.” I’ll be honest: This is mine and my husband’s “song.” It’s just one of those country love ballads that speak right to the heart.
Deirdre: Sounds sweet. Next I'd have to go with a tune that's almost a standard: "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" It's one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard. It's been recorded by lots of great singers, but I'm partial to the version we sample here, by Mr. Mel Torme.
Alisha: I have to go with Greensboro, N.C.-based punk band, Athenaeum. A good friend turned me on to this group back in 1997. "No One" is a must-listen: "And out on your doorstep I was all butterflies/'Cause all of the moonlight in the sky/Was no match for your eyes."
Deirdre: Nice. I mentioned oft-recorded standards earlier, and here's another -- only it's Spanish: "Adoro." Every time I hear it, I sigh. Who wouldn't melt at the thought that another person adores everything about them? "You are my existence, my emotion/you are my moon, you are my sun/you are my night of love."
Alisha: Never heard “Adoro” before. You’re so worldly, Deirdre! … I'm a huge fan of Disney soundtracks. One of my faves, and it's a great song for those shy men out there, is "Kiss the Girl" from "The Little Mermaid."
Deirdre: Heh. Not too emphasize our differences too much, but I gotta mix it up and go with "Closer," by Nine Inch Nails. Sometimes you don't want tenderness and romance; you want rough passion. "Closer" is edgy, profane, obsessive and more than a little kinky. Totally hot.
Alisha: Hey, I can throw out a dirty ditty - country music style. And, this isn't one you'll find at any wedding ceremony - at least not the sober ones! Conway Twitty's "I'd Love to Lay You Down." One critic noted of this song: "Suggestive adult lyrics like these contributed a lot to Twitty's enduring popularity."
Deirdre: SOLD! I'm a big fan of cheesy '80s power ballads, so I have to include a perfect example of one: "This Could Be the Night," by Loverboy. It's all overwrought emotion and lyrics that don't quite make sense, but the message is clear: somebody's gettin' laid tonight!
Alisha: It's a good thing we have soundclips - I haven't heard half of your songs before! Speaking of the '80s - despite the fact I was 10 when this album came out - I love U2's "All I Want Is You." The lyrics tell your significant other that he or she will be given stories, harbors and diamonds, and all they have to do is be there.
Deirdre: Hey ... I just realized we don't have any chicks on this list! I'm gonna go the total opposite of today's screaming divas and pick Dusty Springfield's "The Look of Love." I'm a big fan of string sections, plus this is a dreamy, understated seduction made even sexier, I think, by the fact the woman is doing the seducing here. The look of love/Is in your eyes/A look your smile can't disguise ...
Alisha: I sense a theme with your selections: Deirdre's Top Nookie Songs. I guess I'll settle for being your sidekick with my final choice. How about LL Cool J's "Hey Lover." It's all about a crush - and what better song for Valentine's Day? "I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin' into reality/Our love would come down so naturally/we would walk down the isle of destiny."

Readers, we know we missed some genres, and we're ready to raid iTunes to build the perfect romantic mix. Got any favorites you want to recommend?

Me and musicians don't mix

One of my New Year's resolutions was tested this past weekend: "I resolve to stop cutting certain guys extra slack just because they're super hot. "

I'm not surprised. I had a feeling that would be the hardest one to stick to.

A group of girlfriends and I went to a NoDa club to hear a musician we like. This musician, a drummer and singer from the Bobby McFarrin school of performance -- except with all the talent, yet none of the obnoxiousness -- had another drummer with him as accompaniment. This other drummer was yummy: tall and lean, with bedroom brown eyes, dreadlocks past his shoulders, and a sexy, gray-sprinkled Van Dyke (the 'stache-goatee combo that's so popular these days).

We wound up meeting the two guys after the show, and later joining them at another bar down the street. However, the guys were being pulled every which way by enthusiastic groupies, so I and another of the girls decided to call it a night. As we left, we said goodbye; they were very flirty in their farewells. While my friend got a kiss on the cheek and several touchy-feely hugs from the main musician, I chatted with the dreadlocked sidekick. As we talked, he had a moment of realization that I love: the moment where a man realizes he's a tallish guy chatting eye-to-eye with a tallish woman ... and he likes it.

"How tall are you?" he asked, after a surprised pause.

"Six feet," I responded.

"Yeah," he said with a dreamy smile of appreciation, reaching for another hug. Suede jacket. Strong arms. Dreads brushing my face. Lord have mercy. "Six feet. I need me something like that."

"I'm available," I heard myself say, mentally doing a double-take at my boldness. I had a couple of his dreads in my fingers at this point, playing with them; he didn't seem to mind.

He laughed. "Awww, don't you start!"

I decided it was really time for me to leave, before I did something rash. We were standing close and he asked my name again, wanting to get the last name correct. He knew where I worked and said he would look me up on the Observer site.

Riiiiiight. Dude probably forgot my name before I made it to the door.

But, see, here's the thing. I went through The Musician Phase before. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about? When you think guitarists are sooo sexy, or drummers are really hot, or nimble-fingered keyboard players totally turn you on? And you want to try to date them? Yeah, I caught that fever a few years back. I was a starry-eyed groupie of a great cover band, with the lead guitarist serenading me during shows (how hot is THAT?!), but he quickly lost interest after I repeatedly refused to take him home with me. And I've got photos of myself wrapped around a foxy, dreadlocked Jamaican drummer I clicked with after a reggae concert. He gave me his number, but a woman answered the phone when I called a few days later. She wasn't his sister. (Ooops.)

Even though I've already been through that phase, the other night I briefly considered contacting the dreaded drummer through the main musician's Web site. Then my New Year's resolution -- and common sense -- kicked in. I don't want to be a stop on some dude's booty call tour. The lyrics to a song from an Elvis movie kept running through my head: "I love only one girl/the one I put my arms around/I love only one girl/one in every town." I'm not gonna be that girl.

Besides, one of my friends unwittingly made it easy for me. Turns out after my early exit, she and dreads had a little make-out session. It stopped there, but when I found out, that killed the attraction for me. I don't do anything with men who've been physical with my friends. Sloppy seconds? Not my thing.

Sex and health issues: It's our duty to speak up

After reading this story, I knew I wanted to find an angle to blog about.

I enlisted my husband’s help. I read aloud the majority of the article, both of us snug in our king-sized bed, and with each sentence, he rolled his eyes. Frustrated, I said: “Look, this is serious stuff. What is it? Do you not care research suggests there are direct links to sexual problems and health issues?”

His response, laced with a direct, poignant tone: “Alisha, what does this story have to do with relationships, most specifically fodder for your blog?”

Thinking, shrugging and pondering. It hit me. It has everything to do with relationships. Cue the “in sickness and in health” portion of the marital vows.

We have a responsibility to our partner to watch over him or her. It should be our duty to monitor sexual problems, dysfunctions and quirks, and to report those to a health professional. If this research has even an ounce of accuracy, then just by speaking up, we could be the catalyst for treatment for possibly a more serious health condition.

Our sex lives, especially when there are problems – and, let’s face it, every couple has an issue at some point in time – are not to be taken lightly. We’re talking about our health here, people, not just our libidos or lack thereof.

Indeed, this research has everything to do with relationships.

“Till death do us part.”