Couples sleeping in separate beds

Deirdre: I saw an interesting comment on your last post. The reader said he and his wife have separate beds because of their different sleep schedules and preferences.
Alisha: A 2005 National Sleep Foundation survey found 23 percent of couples sleep in separate beds, bedrooms, or with someone on the couch, so I'm not surprised. Are you?
Deirdre: Actually, yes. But I think what surprises me is 23 percent admit it. (Enlightening story about the topic here.) We've been well-conditioned in the U.S. to believe a happy relationship includes couples sleeping together, all snuggled up.
Alisha: Yeah, I think people want to believe the Lucille and Desi days are far behind us when they're really not. And why wouldn't you admit it? If your relationship is secure, and it's just a matter of one partner who snores too loudly or wants TV noise when you want dead silence, then why not fess up to the truth?
Deirdre: Because of what it might signify -- if you sleep in separate beds, something must be "wrong." It's more acceptable now, but I still think it takes courage to admit to each other that one or both of you isn't getting quality sleep and that something has to be done.
Alisha: Not sure I'd go too many weeks, heck days for that matter, getting little or no sleep and not speak up about it.
Deirdre: Oh, I don't know. Sleeping with my last boyfriend was a challenge for both of us (he snored; I was always cold and he was always hot), but we still did it ... and often slept fitfully. Makes me wonder if it might've played a part in our breakup. With your conflicting schedules, how do you and your husband handle sleeping?
Alisha: We sleep together, but we also have a king-sized bed. If we had anything smaller, I'm tellin' ya -- we'd have to look into separate beds. If you're miserable and tired, then that will surely affect the sex life.
Deirdre: More than separate beds would, I'm sure! Honestly, I think sleeping separately could be good for a lagging sex life. When the person who used to sleep next to you is gone, I think you'd become more sensitive to their touch. Plus, if you're getting more sleep you might have more energy for foolin' around.
Alisha: You can't go wrong with a more energetic sex life as a bona fide benefit to two beds.
Deirdre: Ever notice how no matter what we're talking about, we usually wind up talking about sex? But I've gotta defend it. Physical intimacy is an important part of committed relationships. Get your rest so you'll be at your best!

When couples' work hours just don't jibe

Your significant other leaves for work at 8 a.m. and returns home at 5 p.m. Your alarm goes off at 1 p.m., you’re at work by 4 and you walk in the door at midnight.

To say scheduling some one-on-one time in your relationship is a tough task is putting it mildly. So how do couples reconcile incompatible work schedules?

Let me tell you – it ain’t easy.

My marriage operates on a whacked-out schedule; he works first shift and I work second. We often joke with friends that we’re like ships passing in the night. I come home and he’s asleep, he wakes up and I’m asleep.

We try to make it work because of a few lessons we’ve learned along the way:

1. Make the time you do spend together really count.
2. It’s OK to say “I love you” by e-mail or notes left on the refrigerator. At least you know you’re on each other’s minds.
3. It’s about give and take. Some times he goes to bed later or I wake up earlier so we can spend time together.

Do you have any tried and true ways to weather opposing schedules in your relationship?

Trends: Late-breaking gays, Internet marrieds and more

NPR junkie that I am, I was listening to "The Diane Rehm Show" on WFAE Tuesday morning. Diane had a particularly interesting guest, a guy named Mark Penn. He's a pollster who's best known for pegging "soccer moms" as a vital component of President Bill Clinton's '96 re-election campaign. (He's now Hillary Clinton's chief political adviser on her run for president.)

Penn has co-authored what sounds like a cool book: "Microtrends: The Small Forces Behind Tomorrow's Big Changes." He hypothesizes that in today's splintered society there are all these social subsets that, even though they only make up about 1 percent of the population (that's about 3 million people), they wield a ton of power. A prime example: YouTubers.

During the broadcast (you can listen to it here) Penn mentioned some fascinating microtrends in the realm of relationships.

• Late-breaking gays: As you can probably guess, that's a group of people who come out as gay later in life, often after years of marriage and children. Penn puts the number around 2.5 million.


• Internet marrieds: Almost 10 percent of people getting married met on the Internet. The wider range of choices people are exposed to online means traditional barriers have been broken down -- for example, interracial marriages have more than quadrupled.
  


• Pet parents: People are getting married later in life, so many of them (along with empty nesters) have pets instead of children ... and they treat those pets as if they are their children, pampering them to the limit. (Don't we all know somebody like that?)
  


• Sex-ratio singles: You're not just imagining it: there's a heckuva lot of single women out there. Penn said when he looked at the numbers, he saw several factors at play. When babies are born in the U.S. there are slightly more boys than girls. But by the time they reach their teens more boys have died due to car crashes, violence, drug overdoses, etc. Then when people declare themselves as homosexuals, gay men outnumber gay women 2-to-1. The result? There are about 9 million more straight women than there are straight men. It's a reverse of the Old West, when there were more men than women. Great.
  

I guess this is as good a time as any to mention we're in the middle of Unmarried and Single Americans Week. Here are the staggering Census numbers; why we all don't just take over a city and have the best party ever, I'll never know.

Single men: Go to a wedding, now!

Here’s a quick observation: If you’re a single man and you want to not only have a good time (open bar) but also be among hoards of single women, then you must attend a wedding.

I spent the past week in Northern Virginia participating in all the parties, rehearsals and wedding hoopla a bridesmaid gets to take part in.

The most glaring surprise was when it came time to throw the garter and bouquet. As the beautiful bride lined up to toss the flowers over her shoulder, there were at least 12 anxious women clamoring to get their hands on the bouquet. When it was the groom’s turn, only three single and almost reluctant men took part in the ceremonial tossing of the garter.

Some might point out the single men didn’t want to participate because of embarrassment or they were too busy standing in line for the Sam Adams, or perhaps they didn't want to get trampled in the defensive line rush to snatch the garter. However, in a quick scan of the room, it became apparent there really weren’t that many single men in attendance. Most had dates or wives at their sides.

I just don’t get it. If you’re a single man and you want a single woman, why aren’t you guys out buying suits, practicing your pickup lines and saying yes to those wedding RSVP cards?

Breaking out of a relationship slump

Alisha: The older I get, the more I realize life is about slumps and bouncing out of those periods of deterioration. Relationships are no different. Whether you've been married for one month and your sex life is lackluster or you've been dating for one year and you no longer get love notes, there are ways to break through. I'd define a relationship slump as a time when you're not feeling desired by your partner or you feel as though the passion has dissipated.

What are your ideas to break through the doldrums of a slump?

Deirdre: The first thing I'd recommend is to spend some time apart -- at least a week. I'd go so far as to say no phone calls or e-mails or texts, but if you're married with kids, that may not be possible. People often see things differently when they're away from the situation .... and absence really can make the heart grow fonder. But if that absence feels pretty damn good, then I think you know why you're in a slump. Maybe you shouldn't be together.
Alisha: I'd suggest doing something to spice up the love life. Take photos of yourself in sexy lingerie. Get a hotel room for the night, even if it's two miles down the road. Go salsa dancing or to a club where you have to dance close.
Deirdre: Our environment can contribute to the continuation of a slump, so I say change the scenery at the most basic of places: Your house. It could really up your mood. Paint a room a bold color. Rearrange the furniture. For the bedroom, splurge and buy really nice sheets. It'll make you feel decadent.
Alisha: Interesting. Not sure I'd ever think about changing the ottoman out, but what could it hurt? If it's a particularly bad time, maybe it's worth going to a counselor because that bold of a move should raise flags the slump needs to end soon.
Deirdre: I also think couples should revisit their hopes and dreams, what they want to accomplish together. If their plans for the future differ, that's a signal something is very wrong.
Alisha: Taking a vacation is one way to jump start those loving feelings again, and a way to at least momentarily leave behind the everyday routine. My husband and I went to the lake for a one-day getaway and it really worked wonders for us.
Deirdre: This should light some sparks: read erotica aloud to each other. Or on a workday, pick out each other's underwear. What a turn-on it could be, knowing that under your clothes you're wearing what your lover chose for you ... Rowr.
Alisha: Write a letter to your partner. Tell something you have never said outloud before or list every detail of how you fell in love. And no e-mail. A real letter.
Deirdre: Yes! And mail it! It's so nice to get something in the mailbox besides a bill. And I say revel in the senses. Get a couple's massage. Go shopping together for perfume and cologne. Blindfold your partner and feed them, a la "9 1/2 Weeks." (And if you've never seen it, rent it and watch it together!)
Alisha: Try cooking dinner together and keep the TV, the crackberry, the Internet and the cellphones turned off. And strive to keep the relationship exciting!

A dating disappointment

A friend recently met a guy she'd talked to on an online dating site. When she told me and some other pals this story, she prefaced it, just as I'm doing now, with an important detail: she has recent photos on her online profile. Full-body shots are included. So there's not much of a chance this guy had any illusions about her appearance.

Now, the date. He was the first to arrive, so he was waiting when my friend walked in. "And when he saw me he had this look ..." She rolled eyes toward the heavens, then looked away and let out an exasperated sigh. We listeners simultaneously groaned in sympathy and horror. "It was a look like he was disappointed in what he saw. He couldn't hide it."

This friend of mine is smart, funny and beautiful. She looks 15 years younger than her age. And yeah, she's a big girl; not hugely overweight, but no tiny thing, either. But look around. There are a lot of big girls -- the average American woman wears a size 14 -- plus, she didn't hide her size in her profile, but instead put it out there for all possible suitors to see.

Frankly, I don't know if I could have gone through with the date if I'd seen a look of disgust on the guy I was meeting. However, my friend made a decision. "I guess it was my revenge," she said. "I went in there and I totally turned on the charm." They drank beers and talked for two hours. My friend demonstrated his body language for much of the conversation: sitting as far back as he could with one arm thrown over the back of the seat, legs crossed and his body angled to the side, away from her. Oy. But ... the conversation was interesting, and "I kept making him laugh," my friend explained. "Every now and then I would make him burst out laughing and he would suddenly get this look like, 'oh, wait, it's the fat girl.' "

Rather than be mortified by the incident, my friend thought it was funny. I was outraged on her behalf. He saw her photos -- did he expect her to have miraculously lost 30 pounds before they met? If he could have concentrated on the fact he had a really good time, instead of the fact that she didn't look like a Pussycat Doll, maybe the two of them could have become friends. The thing about friends? They usually have other friends. Single and available friends. But no: After the meeting she sent the guy a noncommittal note, thanking him for the good conversation. His response? Something along the lines of, "yes, it was great conversation, but you have to admit there was no spark." I have to give him points for writing back. I think we all know people who wouldn't have responded at all.

I commended my friend for not letting the experience make her bitter, or timid about dating. May we all have such fortitude!

You get mad. Where do you go?

Well, me and my lady had our first big fight/So I drove around 'till I saw the neon lights/Of a corner bar, it just seemed right, so I pulled up… -- "The Good Stuff" by Kenny Chesney

You can always find some life lessons buried in country music, in-between momma, trains, trucks, prisons or gettin’ drunk (thanks, David Allan Coe).

One such example is Kenny Chesney’s "The Good Stuff." The opening lyrics talk about a husband who gets into a fight with his wife for the first time. He then escapes to a bar where the bartender reminds him of all the hidden jewels a marriage provides.

Let’s face it: Even the strongest relationships endure arguments. Some are minuscule, many are pointless and a few kick off days of silence and separation.

So, how do you handle the aftermath of a big argument?

Every couple seems to confront them differently. Are you the one who spends the night on the couch? Do you follow the old adage "never go to bed angry," and you resolve all issues before falling asleep? Are you apt to write down your issues and then share them with your partner? Maybe you both drop the squabble and pick it up days later so you can discuss differences with level heads?

My husband is the type who needs to leave the room for some time to cool off and then we can continue our discussion. I’m the type who, when really frustrated, will get in the car and drive for 20 minutes with the windows down just to gather my thoughts.

No matter how you handle big fights -- because there definitely is no right or wrong answer here -- the key is to dig deep and remember all "The Good Stuff."

Why we want the taken ones

I met up with friends at a sports bar Saturday afternoon. I noticed in the room next door a group of men sat gathered 'round a table. Had to be at least a dozen. Curious, I snagged a cute waiter and asked him what was going on. Turns out the group was engrossed in a fantasy football draft. Spreadsheets and stuff spread all over the place.

Every now and then the group would take a break and some of the men would wander into our part of the bar. One guy in particular caught my eye. He was tall and fit, with salt-and-pepper hair, slightly craggy good looks and an easy grace about him. After he'd strolled by a couple times I decided to talk to him, invite him to join me and my friends for a chat. I was working up the nerve as he passed again, and that's when I saw it -- the glint of gold on his left hand.

Married. Damn.

You know what I said in my last entry about not getting involved with married men? I stand by it ... but that doesn't mean I wasn't cracking jokes with my friends, wondering aloud if that lovely man was happily married, and pondering slipping him my number in case he and his wife had problems. Oh, yes, we singles say things like that. Some are like me -- we talk a big game with friends, but would never actually follow through. But watch out, smugly marrieds, because some of us do follow through.

You know what makes married people so attractive? Their security. They already have a mate, so they're not stressin' over dates or "does she really like me?" or "why isn't he calling me?" or any of that stuff most single-and-mingling folks do. There's a self-confidence that comes with being off the market, knowing you've got somebody at home, or someone beside you. Think about it -- how many times have you heard people say once they're in a relationship, that's when they start getting hit on left and right? Or that just when they stopped caring, that's when Mr. or Ms. Right came along? I think there's something to be said for the "air of desperation"; people really can sense it. But just as desperation is a big turn-off, confidence and self-possession are a big turn-on.

You don't have to be married to cultivate such attributes; I think you just have to know what you want, be comfortable with yourself and be OK with being single. Because the second you decide you HAVE to have someone, you're desperate, and we can smell it all over you.

Ah, but when you do cultivate those qualities, people will start checking out your left ring finger for that tell-tale glint of a wedding band. Imagine how excited they'll be when they find it bare!

Best (or worst) breakup excuses

It’s time for some Thursday levity.

What’s the best (or worst in most cases) breakup excuse you’ve received?

There’s always the: “It’s not you, it’s me” speech, or the “I love you so much I just think it’s best we’re not together” sad song. And let’s not leave out a classic: “We’re better off as friends.”

Hopefully, after you get over your infuriation or possible disappointment, you can sit back and laugh at the absurdity of some of the excuses you’ve heard before.

A friend of mine had to do just that recently -- “laugh or I’ll go insane” is how he put it. He said a girl recently broke up with him because she had too many distractions going on in her life. Her excuse for wanting to end the courtship: “I just want to lay low.”

Oh dear! What does “laying low” truly mean, and do folks honestly think that's gonna fly as a reason to end a relationship?

And for the sake of full disclosure, the worst excuse I heard was from a guy I dated for a month or so in college. He told me: “I’m way too poor for you, so I just don’t think this is going to work out.” Too poor. Yeah buddy. Next!

So, let’s have it: Give us your lamest breakup excuse!

You're single. He's married. What do you do?

I've put off writing this entry for awhile now. But I'm sitting here ... it's late ... I have my wine. I'm in the mood to talk about it.

I was propositioned by a married man. We'd been on friendly terms and I knew there was a mutual admiration society going on. But you know how you think you know what's going on, and you think you're in control of a situation and then you suddenly realize not only are you NOT in control, but you've gotten in over your head? That's what happened to me. One minute we're joking, the next minute he's dead serious. He told me, in no uncertain terms, what he wanted to happen between us. Whatever you're imagining? That's probably what he asked me to do.

And I almost said yes.

Stay cool; nothing happened. But single people, can I get a witness? How many times have you started chatting with someone at a bar, in line at the grocery store, at a football game, anywhere -- and you're thinking, "wow, this is a really cool person and I think there could be something here" and then you glance down and see the wedding band? Or they casually say "yeah, my wife and I went there for vacation," or "my husband read that book and said it's awesome"? And you get that gut punch of disappointment, or you feel like a big ol' fool for not catching on sooner? Sucks, doesn't it?

Or you find yourself in a situation like mine (and it's happened before, but I still didn't see it coming) where you're friendly with a married person you find attractive, but you know they're off limits ... and then, whoops, apparently they're not? What do you do?

Me, I back the hell away. I don't share men. I'm no home-wrecker and I'm no time-filler for someone who's bored, or wants something "different." And to be honest, I believe in karma. How can I expect a man who'll be faithful to me if I'm willing to mess with some other woman's man? Then there's the mother of all reasons not to get involved with a married person: if they'll cheat to be with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you to be with someone else?

But my overarching reason to stay away: if you want a lasting relationship of your own, why waste time with someone who isn't available in every sense of the word?

Oh, I know why. Being single can be lonely. It can seem hopeless and endless. Sometimes you think you can't bear another night alone in your bed. Or another day without a phone call or e-mail from someone saying they think you're the bee's knees. But more than likely, if a married person is filling those roles, they're doing it for themselves, not you. It's easy to romanticize, but bottom line, you're being used. (Heh. Makes me think of that Bill Withers song, "Use Me": I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used/Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up. You're no help, Bill.)

Look, I'm not here to judge. If you're living an R. Kelly song, hiding in a closet when someone's spouse comes home, well, that's your business. Duck, run fast and don't forget your underwear. But to the single people out there like me who want love and monogamy and domesticity and all that stuff, I say: hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. Tell married and sexy to go home to their better half. You deserve more.

Check this out: True Wife Confessions

Deirdre: A friend of mine turned me on to a Web site: True Wife Confessions (warning: graphic content). She's married and visits the site to see what other women are saying about their relationships. It's an intense site. Now that you've seen it, what do you think?
Alisha: W.O.W. Just spending 10 minutes reading through some of those confessions has evoked all kinds of feelings: shock, empathy, sadness, relief and ... I could keep going.
Deirdre: I know. That's how I felt as well.
Alisha: I wonder how many of them are sincere confessions?
Deirdre: That was my big question. I think there's an unspoken agreement between bloggers and readers that the blogger is being truthful. I don't lie or embellish on our blog and you don't either. But we're journalists. It goes against our nature to lie (and there are more of us than there are Jayson Blairs in our profession). Many people on the blogsphere might not be so conscientious.
Alisha: Some of the entries seem to be a very accurate depiction of how much a relationship can be a roller coaster of good and bad times.
Deirdre: Yeah, but most of the comments aren't suitable for non-adults -- there's talk of unsatisfying sex lives, child custody issues, adultery, abortions, people falling out of love -- or for everyday conversation, either. So what I appreciate about the site is that it gives women a place to vent their pain, anger, shame when they may not feel comfortable sharing such information with family members, a therapist or a minister.
Alisha: On the flip side, the success of the site seems to be a sad commentary that some women don't feel they can communicate their deepest and darkest feelings with their partner. I'd love to know how many men read the site, and how many of those are the husbands, boyfriends and friends of these women who post "anonymous" confessions.
Deirdre: Me too! But chicks would have to tell their men to go look. Dudes doing Google searches for "wife" and "confessions" are probably looking for something in see-through lingerie and stripper heels, not sentences like "Right after we got married, I wanted to divorce you."
Alisha: True, but I'm thinking that men are much smarter than we give them credit for. Thanks for the introduction to the site. I suggest you bookmark it, gals!

A letter of closure

You once had a relationship that was meaningful, one where you invested years of passion, energy and commitment, and then for whatever reason (insert yours here), that relationship ended abruptly. It was over so quickly you never got the chance to say your piece, or even so much as a simple goodbye.

Now, years later you find yourself wishing you had the opportunity to end things once and for all. You don’t want to rekindle anything – you just want to add a sense of termination. Here’s a solution: Write a letter of closure.

I’ve been thinking of writing one for awhile now, and a recent trip to my hometown dredged up memories of a painful separation from an ex-boyfriend. He wanted to marry, and I just wasn’t ready. Our relationship ended in an argument and then – that was it. No final goodbyes, no kind words of appreciation for all the good times, no hugs – nothing. For months after our break-up, he avoided my calls, e-mails and my insistence we end what once was a blossoming relationship on a good note.

My letter of closure is not an indicator I’m unhappy with my marriage; in fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just every so often I think about my past, and wish my ex-boyfriend could hear the words I never got to say to him, and that would be enough.

In selecting the tone for a final note, some letters might be filled with anger. Others could be wrought with regret. Some might be full of sorrow. A few will overflow with good fortune for a fulfilled life, and that is the tone I chose for my letter. So here goes,

Dear ... –
I wanted to let you know our relationship meant a lot to me – more than you’ll ever know. I hope you’ve found true love and have discovered happiness in its purest form. I know I’ve found it with my husband, and I owe some of that to you because you helped teach me how to love unconditionally. You were there for me during some of the roughest periods in my life, and I want you to realize I owe you a large debt of gratitude. I wish you nothing but the best.
Goodbye.
Alisha

Trust without a truth serum

I stumbled across this and since trust is an issue that often comes up in relationships, I decided to share it.

After 50, 'openness' shouldn't require a truth serum

By Dr. Joel Block
LetLifeIn.com via McClatchy-Tribune News Services

Some time ago, I was riffling through The New York Times Book Review and something caught my eye. It was a work of fiction, a fascinating account of openness between a man and a woman.

Here's the story: A married man of 30 years spots a woman, who is also married, at a party. He writes her a letter proposing an affair. It is not to be the usual affair in that they will never meet, nor have any contact outside of correspondence.

They will not even hear each other's voices, because as the man states in his letter, "even a voice is too real for the hallucination I want to have with you." Their written contact will also be quite out of the norm. The relationship he is suggesting is one that will be fully and uninhibitedly open.
His letter suggests that, "We could be like two people who inject themselves with truth serum and at long last have to tell it, the truth. I want to be able to say to myself, 'I bled truth with her,' yes, that's what I want. Be a knife for me, and I, I swear, will be a knife for you."

It occurs to me that it would be extraordinary if the man had proposed the "truth serum" approach to his wife. Now there's an idea that sounds both exciting and terrifying. I suspect that many of us have, somewhere in our psyche, the hunger to be fully known and accepted -- even those, especially those, that hold up their hand in protest.

The secret wish we have is to have one more chance to be like that small child who puts it all out there without self-consciousness; to have nothing significant to defend, no secrets to hide, no tension about "being found out." It would be wonderful to feel secure enough to be able shout, "This is who I am, and I can embrace all of me!"

This desire is probably a hidden reason behind going into therapy for many people. The obvious reason is to deal with a presenting problem. The less obvious reason is to be known, to oneself and to another.

Of course, seeing a psychologist is relatively safe. It is like the affair proposed above. The disclosures occur between two people (although in the case of psychotherapy, it is mostly one-way) whose lives do not intersect outside of a limited context.

To even the most casual observer of couples it is apparent that the kind of experience that occurs in the affair described above is not one that most married people have with each other -- not even close.

We've all heard of the man or woman who "spills their guts" to an anonymous stranger on a plane, or in some other situation where the contact is temporary and the listener is not part of our day-to-day life. And that is the point, after giving the other person a glimpse into your soul you don't have to see them or worry about some lasting judgment they have made.

In the fantasy account, the man is taking special precautions to make the experience as impersonal as possible while he shares the most personal aspects of himself.

Loving without reservation, letting another person -- someone who you have to face the next day and everyday -- view you emotionally naked takes a degree of faith, self-awareness and, perhaps more than anything, courage. It is the courage to believe in yourself enough to be revealing and to tolerate how naked and unsettled the intensity of the experience leaves us feeling.

It requires that you accept yourself, your humanness, including shortcomings; that with your imperfections you are still worthwhile. You have to take responsibility for your feelings and regard yourself enough to express them.

It is a refusal to tolerate your own self-deceptions and to face your deepest truths. Doing this with your love partner is like walking a razor's edge. It is not for the faint of heart and it doesn't make life easier or painless. It just makes life sweeter and the pain more meaningful.

Do you dare to look into yourself and without reservation share what you find with the person you sleep with regularly? Are you willing to face yourself and your lover each day? Like anything that is worthwhile, it is not without risks.

Nowhere is more gained or lost, more lessons learned or energy squandered than in love relationships. And nothing teaches us so much about others and ourselves as living authentically with another person.

Can friends-with-benefits work?

Deirdre: A friend of mine has a perennial argument with a male friend of hers: Can a man and woman (both single) have sex and then still be just friends?
Alisha: Gosh, when I first started typing my response, I had: "Easy answer. Yes." After more thought, it's much more complicated. It all depends on the people involved.
Deirdre: So true. When she put the question to me, I immediately thought of a particular man in my past. He once asked point-blank if I could have sex with him and remain friends. I wanted him very badly, so I immediately said of course I could. But he knew me better than I knew myself. We didn't do it ... and I'm glad we didn't. I realized later that I really wanted more from him than friendship. I think plenty of people could find themselves in the same predicament.
Alisha: But what you did is something a lot of people don't take the time to do, and that's a self-assessment of intent. If a person wants a relationship eventually, then those feelings will slowly manifest and ruin any chance of a friendship.
Deirdre: Um, I didn't do a self-assessment until after he'd decided for the both of us that the sex wasn't going to happen. I was willing to risk the friendship. And I can testify that when you really want someone, you'll convince yourself that anything is possible. That everything can be the way it was -- when maybe it won't be.
Alisha: I do think there are "successful" cases of men and women who can maintain a friends-with-benefits relationship.
Deirdre: OK, here's the rub: I know people who have friends they get together with to have sex. But that's as far as the friendship goes. They don't call each other just to say hi, or have dinner, or go to movies -- you know, the non-sexual stuff that friends do. Is that friends-with-benefits, or just friendly benefits?
Alisha: It's still friends-with-benefits. Unless you're just devoid of caring about other's feelings, I'd think you'd have to enjoy hanging around the person in order to have sex with them beyond a one-night stand.
Deirdre: While I believe as you do -- that it IS possible to have a sexual relationship within a friendship -- I have a hard time not believing that sooner or later, one of the two will want more. Isn't that human nature?
Alisha: It might be common for that "bond" to develop into something more, but I still say if both parties are completely honest about their feelings and intentions, then it's realistically possible two single people can have sex and just be friends.
Alisha: Age and maturity play important factors in this argument. I don't see two 18-year-olds lasting as just friends-with-benefits for a long time, whereas I could see two divorced fortysomethings being content with this particular setup for quite sometime.
Deirdre: Hmm. If I'm in my 40s and still unmarried, I'll let you know.

Is marriage a social life killer?

Once the wedding rings are permanently on the fingers, I hear a lot of couples say their social lives take a dramatic turn for the worst. The all-night drinking benders with groups of strangers at a party, the last-minute beach trips taken with just $100 in the checking account, and the crashing at a friend’s house after watching old movies – are no more, buddy.

So, why is that? Is getting married truly the death knell for an active social life?

I couldn't decide if there's a yes or no answer, but rather I think it depends on the couple. Here are four reasons I’ve come up with that could help answer the question: Does marriage change your social life? (Hey, can you tell I vote as a Moderate/Independent? I love options and I often see both sides.)

1. Motivations: When I was single, I enjoyed going to BAR Charlotte and Have a Nice Day Café every week because those were places where my single girlfriends and I could check out single guys. Now, I’m not interested in the meat market-type venues because I have a husband. Your goals for socializing with friends change because you’re no longer focusing your get-togethers around cruising for potential mates.
2. Money, kids and stress: These categories are all but self-explanatory and in most cases, are dependent upon each other. Of course you’re not gonna spend every night out if you have children, and for most couples that have multiple kids, the lack of disposable funds can be a deciding factor on whether you spend Friday night out on the town with friends or at home with the family.
3. Similar interests: If you and your spouse are lucky to have many of the same interests, then I’m betting you don’t see a big decline in your social habits. For example, if you’re both avid boaters, then you’re more likely to have a circle of people who enjoy boating, thus you’re spending more time among friends. Also, because of your shared interests, such as attending a book club meeting together, your quality time increases.
4. Couple friends: When you get married, it’s not that you socialize less, it’s just you tend to find more couple friends. So your choice of events reflect that because you want to find activities where the four or six of you can enjoy a good time (i.e., concerts, playing cards or bowling). Plus, in your single days you might have been more of a hermit when it came to socializing, but now that you've met Mrs. I Know Everyone In Town, you're spending more time attending functions and getting to know more people.

Laugh of the day

Sometimes, those e-mail forwards we receive are actually worth forwarding. I just got this from a friend. Yes, it's a generalization, but this is the difference between women and men in a nutshell:

HER DIARY vs. HIS DIARY

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Do I fight against going gray?

I was stopped at a red light when I lowered my visor to tease a stray lash out of my eye. As I started to raise the visor back up, I did a double take.

Where did all that gray hair come from?

I was staring so hard at my head, I almost missed it when the light turned green. I knew the gray hairs were coming in, but damn! I had hoped to go gray starting with a dramatic, Bonnie Raitt-type streak in the front, not a hairline riddled with white, seemingly overnight.

It didn't help that over the weekend I rented a movie called "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone." It's an adaptation of a Tennessee Williams novel -- and really, one shouldn't have anything to do with Tennessee Williams without popping a Valium, washing it down with scotch and then moping around in a silk peignoir. I had none of those things. Watching a movie about a woman who's so deep in mourning for her lost beauty and youth that she takes up with a gorgeous, expensive Italian gigolo (with disastrous results, of course), did nothing to improve my mood. I dragged off to bed, fingering my white-tinged hairline and wishing for that scotch. I was supposed to go out with friends that night, but I was suddenly glad our plans had been postponed. Logically, I know that a smattering of gray hair isn't going to keep men from chatting me up (and if I did, I wouldn't want to be chatted up by them anyway), but emotionally ... I was bummed.

So I'm seeing my hairstylist tomorrow and I've got to make a decision. Do I talk to her about covering the gray? Or do I just get that trim?

In a marvel of timing, the Observer's Style section devoted a cover story to this very topic on Friday. But the chick they featured in the main photo -- she's decided to go gray -- looks great. Her silver strands blend so perfectly with her ashy, reddish brown ones, it almost looks like an artsy dye job. Meanwhile, my hair looks like white polish on brown dress shoes. Like Halloween ghost paint that refuses to wash out.

I come from a family of women who change their hair colors with their moods. And while I dabbled with dye in high school (I went honey blonde when Salt-N-Pepa did it, then I was a redhead for awhile), I really like my natural hair color. It's a medium brown that gets blonde highlights when I spend lots of time in the sun. Women used to come up and ask how I got the color. No woman has asked me lately. Must be the gray.

Sigh.

Readers, I need your advice. I always said I would let my hair go gray when it was ready, but that was before it really started going gray! Have any of you faced the same predicament? If so, what did you decide to do?

6 hours in 1 car with a 13-year-old

I recently drove to Alabama to visit family, and came back with an unexpected passenger: a childhood friend's 13-year-old daughter. The girl's father lives near Charlotte, and she wanted to squeeze in a visit before school started.

After I'd agreed she could come along, I immediately began to fret. Over six hours in a car with a 13-year-old? How would I entertain her? Surely my iPod Shuffle's lineup of soul tunes, '80s hair metal and the opening strains of "Carmina Burana" would have her politely asking to be dropped off at the next rest stop. So we'd have to actually converse. What on earth would we talk about?

I was even more panicked when my old friend dropped off her daughter for the trip. Daughter? With her perfectly-applied lip gloss, glamorous sunglasses and Dolce & Gabbana purse (courtesy of daddy), she looked more like a 18-year-old young lady than a 13-year-old child. Still, her mom tucked her into my passenger seat with a kiss and a "now, you mind Miss Deirdre," (I inwardly groaned at that) and sent us on our way.

The first few minutes were deeply silent, with only the hum of air conditioner and her rustles through that costly little D&G purse. Then we began to make small talk. And then, since I'm forever curious about relationships of any kind, I seized upon her stray comment about a boyfriend her mother knew nothing about.

The floodgates opened and she talked nonstop for the next six hours.

Even in the era of e-mails, texting and cell phone minutes, some things never change; the kids still pass notes in class and hang out at the skating rink and meet up at the movies. What I found most fascinating was her claim that she's already had five boyfriends. After more questions I remembered that there's really no dating when you're 13; there's only "going with" someone (now it's also "hooking up"), and "talking to" someone, and rotating names in one's mental file of crushes. The girl talked of one boyfriend she'd secured when her best friend called the guy and asked if he wanted to "go with her." He said yes and bam -- it was a done deal. Break-ups are just as arbitrary, handed down over the phone or via note or e-mail, or simply by ignoring the other person until they get the message. "Cheating" can be as simple as a boy having a conversation with another girl. It's all fluid and experimental and surface-level; young ones practicing an adult game.

And yet, this 13-year-old has a good head on her shoulders. She earns great grades, plays on the basketball team and has a tribe of friends she calls her "brothers" and her "sisters." She has a poise and a confidence that I never had as a teenager, and I applaud her mother for raising such a well-balanced child. She told me about a boy who, after she repeatedly turned down his invitations for movies and such, had gotten frustrated and called her "fat." ("I'm not fat, I'm thick. There's a difference," she told me she'd replied. Connoisseurs of the curvy black female form can testify to the accuracy of that statement.) He'd also punched her in the face, she added. I was mortified at the lack of home training on his part, but she breezily explained she'd thrown him across the room. He hasn't bothered her since.

With all this talk of boyfriends, I was getting antsy. Just what was she doing with these boys? But when I asked if she'd ever kissed any of her boyfriends, she said "NO" so emphatically that I believed her. Later in the conversation she shared that she and her best friend "sister swore" that they would remain virgins until they got married.

"A sister swear, that's SERIOUS and important," she said solemnly. "You can't break it. Ever." Her naivete was endearing -- and my sigh of relief was so great ("she's not putting out!"), my foot almost slipped off the gas pedal.

By the end of the trip we were listening to her mix CDs and she was showing me her favorite dances. When we pulled into the parking lot to meet the waiting car, she piled out, all giggles and energy. She gave me a big hug when I handed over her bag. "I had fun!" she announced.

I waved as I pulled away. I was exhausted. But I had fun, too.

One heckuva dating quandary

Alisha: Relationships are all about give and take -- on many different levels. Here's an example: You've got two girls (or two guys) to decide on whether to start dating exclusively. One chick ranks as a 9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 (attractive, has great character, sound judgment, is honest, has the same values as you, etc.) -- except you're not sexually compatible whatsoever.
The other ranks as a 1.5 (not good looking, has character flaws, poor judgment, different values from yours, is untrustworthy, etc.), but it's the best sex you've ever had.
Who do you pick and why?
Deirdre: My gut reaction? Don't date either of them exclusively. That way, you can search for someone who's compatible to you on all levels.
Alisha: C'mon, that's no fun. You have to choose one or the other here; so who is it?
Deirdre: Sigh. I gotta be honest. I'm feelin' frisky, so I would love to choose the guy who'd give me the best sex I ever had. Just for, like, two weeks, tho! And I'd make sure he got tested for STDs and AIDS, and I'd hide all my valuables. Heck, I wouldn't let him come to my house at all. After the two weeks, I'd get back to the search for the more compatible man I was talking about. And I'd be in a great mood.
Alisha: This is a tough decision -- one I'd have to view in two ways. If I'm looking to settle down and find a mate to have kids with, then I'd go for the 9.5 and the bad sex, but if I'm wanting to date around, it would be difficult to pass up the mind-blowing love-making. Hint: Just turn off the lights since the 1.5 might not be too pretty on the eyes.
Deirdre: I agree on going with the 9.5 for the long haul. If you love someone and the two of you are committed to making the relationship work, I believe there is no bad sex -- only sex that needs improvement. So if a person has every quality you want but the sex isn't up to par, you shouldn't let that keep you from pursuing something serious. There's so much more to a relationship than sex.
Alisha: To play devil's advocate, I'm sure there have been quite a few marriages that have ended because the sex was a complete mismatch. Intimacy and affection are keys to happiness.
Deirdre: Of course! I would add to my earlier statement that there has to be communication. People can't assume sex difficulties (or money issues, or family problems) will eventually just "work themselves out."
Alisha: I have to agree with a friend's response when I posed this hypothetical situation to her: "Bottom line: Incredible sex isn't worth dating a boring troll."
Deirdre: Well, dang, when you put it like that, I'd have to agree! But I wasn't really talking about dating the troll, per se ...

A Hopeless cry for help

A reader asked for my advice, and since I know her problem is a common one (many a woman will shout, “can I get an amen?” when they read this), I got her permission to answer her on the blog.

Q: I'm a 33-year-old, attractive, single, six figures, no kids, never married, never engaged, African-American woman. I'm living in Charlotte now and ready to meet a guy who I can get into a possible relationship with.

I've attended several events where I knew men around my age would be in hopes of meeting someone. Well, I guess I am a little "old school," because I like for the men to approach me. But after talking with some of the men on my job, they all say the same thing: if you want us, come and get us (in other words I have to be the man now and they are the girl). Its 2007 and the men have become liberated?!

Needless to say, I'm still single. I'm not sure if I should wait on them to make eye contact with me and wink or what. Should I also offer them my lipstick and bra? I'm confused -- am I the man or the woman and at which point should I act like the man or the woman? I have heard men say that they don't want a woman to be too aggressive ... OK. What do men want now?

Feeling Hopeless in Charlotte

A: Hopeless, girl, I feel you. I'm no relationship expert, but this topic has come up in conversations with my girlfriends, so I'll tell you the same three things I've discussed with them.

First: Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you’re uneasy, that probably means you’re acting in a way that is not true to yourself. People often behave in a manner they think others want, which leads to relationships built on unsteady foundations. Case in point: You ask what it is that men want, but the question should be what do YOU want. Stay true to yourself and when you find The One, you'll know he loves you for you, and not some mirage you've created.

Second: That “if you want us, come and get us” stuff is crap. Plenty of dudes believe their own hype and think they're players worthy of being fought over. Men who are looking for meaningful relationships will at least try to bypass the drama (no accounting for exes and family issues). Hold out for a man who'll treat you the way you want to be treated.

Third: Here's the deal -- women already make the first move. Haven’t you seen those Discovery channel shows about male-female attraction? A woman uses body language to let a man know she'd be receptive to his approach. (Sure, some clueless dudes will hit on anything in a skirt, but most men will wait for a sign.) See a guy you like in a store, in a bar, at the gym? Patiently wait until you catch his eye, hold the glance for a second, then look away. At this point the guy is going, "hey, is she ...?" and he's checking you out to see if he might be interested. If he is, he'll wait for another glance, which you'll give ... and this time, you'll hold it for a beat or two longer than the last one, and smile. Or if you pass by him, either stop to say hello (if you feel comfortable doing that), "accidentally" brush against him and apologize (it's fake and you both know it, but it works) or simply keep walking, again with the smile. Any man will get the message and make a move if he's interested. If it looks like he's waiting on you to come to him, move on -- you prefer men who make the approach, so this one is obviously not for you.

Now, Hopeless, don’t offer a man your lipstick unless he’s a drag queen who likes the shade (but be sure to wear lipstick in a color that flatters your skin tone and tastes good, in case there are kisses). And don’t offer a man your bra unless you want a one-night stand (but be sure that it’s a nice bra, because pretty lingerie makes you feel pretty).

Don't feel hopeless, Hopeless: Dating is hard for most of us singles, no matter where we are. Stay positive and go with your gut. If I run across a great guy I'll let you know, because you, sister, are a catch!