Couples sleeping in separate beds

Deirdre: I saw an interesting comment on your last post. The reader said he and his wife have separate beds because of their different sleep schedules and preferences.
Alisha: A 2005 National Sleep Foundation survey found 23 percent of couples sleep in separate beds, bedrooms, or with someone on the couch, so I'm not surprised. Are you?
Deirdre: Actually, yes. But I think what surprises me is 23 percent admit it. (Enlightening story about the topic here.) We've been well-conditioned in the U.S. to believe a happy relationship includes couples sleeping together, all snuggled up.
Alisha: Yeah, I think people want to believe the Lucille and Desi days are far behind us when they're really not. And why wouldn't you admit it? If your relationship is secure, and it's just a matter of one partner who snores too loudly or wants TV noise when you want dead silence, then why not fess up to the truth?
Deirdre: Because of what it might signify -- if you sleep in separate beds, something must be "wrong." It's more acceptable now, but I still think it takes courage to admit to each other that one or both of you isn't getting quality sleep and that something has to be done.
Alisha: Not sure I'd go too many weeks, heck days for that matter, getting little or no sleep and not speak up about it.
Deirdre: Oh, I don't know. Sleeping with my last boyfriend was a challenge for both of us (he snored; I was always cold and he was always hot), but we still did it ... and often slept fitfully. Makes me wonder if it might've played a part in our breakup. With your conflicting schedules, how do you and your husband handle sleeping?
Alisha: We sleep together, but we also have a king-sized bed. If we had anything smaller, I'm tellin' ya -- we'd have to look into separate beds. If you're miserable and tired, then that will surely affect the sex life.
Deirdre: More than separate beds would, I'm sure! Honestly, I think sleeping separately could be good for a lagging sex life. When the person who used to sleep next to you is gone, I think you'd become more sensitive to their touch. Plus, if you're getting more sleep you might have more energy for foolin' around.
Alisha: You can't go wrong with a more energetic sex life as a bona fide benefit to two beds.
Deirdre: Ever notice how no matter what we're talking about, we usually wind up talking about sex? But I've gotta defend it. Physical intimacy is an important part of committed relationships. Get your rest so you'll be at your best!

When couples' work hours just don't jibe

Your significant other leaves for work at 8 a.m. and returns home at 5 p.m. Your alarm goes off at 1 p.m., you’re at work by 4 and you walk in the door at midnight.

To say scheduling some one-on-one time in your relationship is a tough task is putting it mildly. So how do couples reconcile incompatible work schedules?

Let me tell you – it ain’t easy.

My marriage operates on a whacked-out schedule; he works first shift and I work second. We often joke with friends that we’re like ships passing in the night. I come home and he’s asleep, he wakes up and I’m asleep.

We try to make it work because of a few lessons we’ve learned along the way:

1. Make the time you do spend together really count.
2. It’s OK to say “I love you” by e-mail or notes left on the refrigerator. At least you know you’re on each other’s minds.
3. It’s about give and take. Some times he goes to bed later or I wake up earlier so we can spend time together.

Do you have any tried and true ways to weather opposing schedules in your relationship?

Trends: Late-breaking gays, Internet marrieds and more

NPR junkie that I am, I was listening to "The Diane Rehm Show" on WFAE Tuesday morning. Diane had a particularly interesting guest, a guy named Mark Penn. He's a pollster who's best known for pegging "soccer moms" as a vital component of President Bill Clinton's '96 re-election campaign. (He's now Hillary Clinton's chief political adviser on her run for president.)

Penn has co-authored what sounds like a cool book: "Microtrends: The Small Forces Behind Tomorrow's Big Changes." He hypothesizes that in today's splintered society there are all these social subsets that, even though they only make up about 1 percent of the population (that's about 3 million people), they wield a ton of power. A prime example: YouTubers.

During the broadcast (you can listen to it here) Penn mentioned some fascinating microtrends in the realm of relationships.

• Late-breaking gays: As you can probably guess, that's a group of people who come out as gay later in life, often after years of marriage and children. Penn puts the number around 2.5 million.


• Internet marrieds: Almost 10 percent of people getting married met on the Internet. The wider range of choices people are exposed to online means traditional barriers have been broken down -- for example, interracial marriages have more than quadrupled.
  


• Pet parents: People are getting married later in life, so many of them (along with empty nesters) have pets instead of children ... and they treat those pets as if they are their children, pampering them to the limit. (Don't we all know somebody like that?)
  


• Sex-ratio singles: You're not just imagining it: there's a heckuva lot of single women out there. Penn said when he looked at the numbers, he saw several factors at play. When babies are born in the U.S. there are slightly more boys than girls. But by the time they reach their teens more boys have died due to car crashes, violence, drug overdoses, etc. Then when people declare themselves as homosexuals, gay men outnumber gay women 2-to-1. The result? There are about 9 million more straight women than there are straight men. It's a reverse of the Old West, when there were more men than women. Great.
  

I guess this is as good a time as any to mention we're in the middle of Unmarried and Single Americans Week. Here are the staggering Census numbers; why we all don't just take over a city and have the best party ever, I'll never know.

Single men: Go to a wedding, now!

Here’s a quick observation: If you’re a single man and you want to not only have a good time (open bar) but also be among hoards of single women, then you must attend a wedding.

I spent the past week in Northern Virginia participating in all the parties, rehearsals and wedding hoopla a bridesmaid gets to take part in.

The most glaring surprise was when it came time to throw the garter and bouquet. As the beautiful bride lined up to toss the flowers over her shoulder, there were at least 12 anxious women clamoring to get their hands on the bouquet. When it was the groom’s turn, only three single and almost reluctant men took part in the ceremonial tossing of the garter.

Some might point out the single men didn’t want to participate because of embarrassment or they were too busy standing in line for the Sam Adams, or perhaps they didn't want to get trampled in the defensive line rush to snatch the garter. However, in a quick scan of the room, it became apparent there really weren’t that many single men in attendance. Most had dates or wives at their sides.

I just don’t get it. If you’re a single man and you want a single woman, why aren’t you guys out buying suits, practicing your pickup lines and saying yes to those wedding RSVP cards?

Breaking out of a relationship slump

Alisha: The older I get, the more I realize life is about slumps and bouncing out of those periods of deterioration. Relationships are no different. Whether you've been married for one month and your sex life is lackluster or you've been dating for one year and you no longer get love notes, there are ways to break through. I'd define a relationship slump as a time when you're not feeling desired by your partner or you feel as though the passion has dissipated.

What are your ideas to break through the doldrums of a slump?

Deirdre: The first thing I'd recommend is to spend some time apart -- at least a week. I'd go so far as to say no phone calls or e-mails or texts, but if you're married with kids, that may not be possible. People often see things differently when they're away from the situation .... and absence really can make the heart grow fonder. But if that absence feels pretty damn good, then I think you know why you're in a slump. Maybe you shouldn't be together.
Alisha: I'd suggest doing something to spice up the love life. Take photos of yourself in sexy lingerie. Get a hotel room for the night, even if it's two miles down the road. Go salsa dancing or to a club where you have to dance close.
Deirdre: Our environment can contribute to the continuation of a slump, so I say change the scenery at the most basic of places: Your house. It could really up your mood. Paint a room a bold color. Rearrange the furniture. For the bedroom, splurge and buy really nice sheets. It'll make you feel decadent.
Alisha: Interesting. Not sure I'd ever think about changing the ottoman out, but what could it hurt? If it's a particularly bad time, maybe it's worth going to a counselor because that bold of a move should raise flags the slump needs to end soon.
Deirdre: I also think couples should revisit their hopes and dreams, what they want to accomplish together. If their plans for the future differ, that's a signal something is very wrong.
Alisha: Taking a vacation is one way to jump start those loving feelings again, and a way to at least momentarily leave behind the everyday routine. My husband and I went to the lake for a one-day getaway and it really worked wonders for us.
Deirdre: This should light some sparks: read erotica aloud to each other. Or on a workday, pick out each other's underwear. What a turn-on it could be, knowing that under your clothes you're wearing what your lover chose for you ... Rowr.
Alisha: Write a letter to your partner. Tell something you have never said outloud before or list every detail of how you fell in love. And no e-mail. A real letter.
Deirdre: Yes! And mail it! It's so nice to get something in the mailbox besides a bill. And I say revel in the senses. Get a couple's massage. Go shopping together for perfume and cologne. Blindfold your partner and feed them, a la "9 1/2 Weeks." (And if you've never seen it, rent it and watch it together!)
Alisha: Try cooking dinner together and keep the TV, the crackberry, the Internet and the cellphones turned off. And strive to keep the relationship exciting!

A dating disappointment

A friend recently met a guy she'd talked to on an online dating site. When she told me and some other pals this story, she prefaced it, just as I'm doing now, with an important detail: she has recent photos on her online profile. Full-body shots are included. So there's not much of a chance this guy had any illusions about her appearance.

Now, the date. He was the first to arrive, so he was waiting when my friend walked in. "And when he saw me he had this look ..." She rolled eyes toward the heavens, then looked away and let out an exasperated sigh. We listeners simultaneously groaned in sympathy and horror. "It was a look like he was disappointed in what he saw. He couldn't hide it."

This friend of mine is smart, funny and beautiful. She looks 15 years younger than her age. And yeah, she's a big girl; not hugely overweight, but no tiny thing, either. But look around. There are a lot of big girls -- the average American woman wears a size 14 -- plus, she didn't hide her size in her profile, but instead put it out there for all possible suitors to see.

Frankly, I don't know if I could have gone through with the date if I'd seen a look of disgust on the guy I was meeting. However, my friend made a decision. "I guess it was my revenge," she said. "I went in there and I totally turned on the charm." They drank beers and talked for two hours. My friend demonstrated his body language for much of the conversation: sitting as far back as he could with one arm thrown over the back of the seat, legs crossed and his body angled to the side, away from her. Oy. But ... the conversation was interesting, and "I kept making him laugh," my friend explained. "Every now and then I would make him burst out laughing and he would suddenly get this look like, 'oh, wait, it's the fat girl.' "

Rather than be mortified by the incident, my friend thought it was funny. I was outraged on her behalf. He saw her photos -- did he expect her to have miraculously lost 30 pounds before they met? If he could have concentrated on the fact he had a really good time, instead of the fact that she didn't look like a Pussycat Doll, maybe the two of them could have become friends. The thing about friends? They usually have other friends. Single and available friends. But no: After the meeting she sent the guy a noncommittal note, thanking him for the good conversation. His response? Something along the lines of, "yes, it was great conversation, but you have to admit there was no spark." I have to give him points for writing back. I think we all know people who wouldn't have responded at all.

I commended my friend for not letting the experience make her bitter, or timid about dating. May we all have such fortitude!

You get mad. Where do you go?

Well, me and my lady had our first big fight/So I drove around 'till I saw the neon lights/Of a corner bar, it just seemed right, so I pulled up… -- "The Good Stuff" by Kenny Chesney

You can always find some life lessons buried in country music, in-between momma, trains, trucks, prisons or gettin’ drunk (thanks, David Allan Coe).

One such example is Kenny Chesney’s "The Good Stuff." The opening lyrics talk about a husband who gets into a fight with his wife for the first time. He then escapes to a bar where the bartender reminds him of all the hidden jewels a marriage provides.

Let’s face it: Even the strongest relationships endure arguments. Some are minuscule, many are pointless and a few kick off days of silence and separation.

So, how do you handle the aftermath of a big argument?

Every couple seems to confront them differently. Are you the one who spends the night on the couch? Do you follow the old adage "never go to bed angry," and you resolve all issues before falling asleep? Are you apt to write down your issues and then share them with your partner? Maybe you both drop the squabble and pick it up days later so you can discuss differences with level heads?

My husband is the type who needs to leave the room for some time to cool off and then we can continue our discussion. I’m the type who, when really frustrated, will get in the car and drive for 20 minutes with the windows down just to gather my thoughts.

No matter how you handle big fights -- because there definitely is no right or wrong answer here -- the key is to dig deep and remember all "The Good Stuff."

Why we want the taken ones

I met up with friends at a sports bar Saturday afternoon. I noticed in the room next door a group of men sat gathered 'round a table. Had to be at least a dozen. Curious, I snagged a cute waiter and asked him what was going on. Turns out the group was engrossed in a fantasy football draft. Spreadsheets and stuff spread all over the place.

Every now and then the group would take a break and some of the men would wander into our part of the bar. One guy in particular caught my eye. He was tall and fit, with salt-and-pepper hair, slightly craggy good looks and an easy grace about him. After he'd strolled by a couple times I decided to talk to him, invite him to join me and my friends for a chat. I was working up the nerve as he passed again, and that's when I saw it -- the glint of gold on his left hand.

Married. Damn.

You know what I said in my last entry about not getting involved with married men? I stand by it ... but that doesn't mean I wasn't cracking jokes with my friends, wondering aloud if that lovely man was happily married, and pondering slipping him my number in case he and his wife had problems. Oh, yes, we singles say things like that. Some are like me -- we talk a big game with friends, but would never actually follow through. But watch out, smugly marrieds, because some of us do follow through.

You know what makes married people so attractive? Their security. They already have a mate, so they're not stressin' over dates or "does she really like me?" or "why isn't he calling me?" or any of that stuff most single-and-mingling folks do. There's a self-confidence that comes with being off the market, knowing you've got somebody at home, or someone beside you. Think about it -- how many times have you heard people say once they're in a relationship, that's when they start getting hit on left and right? Or that just when they stopped caring, that's when Mr. or Ms. Right came along? I think there's something to be said for the "air of desperation"; people really can sense it. But just as desperation is a big turn-off, confidence and self-possession are a big turn-on.

You don't have to be married to cultivate such attributes; I think you just have to know what you want, be comfortable with yourself and be OK with being single. Because the second you decide you HAVE to have someone, you're desperate, and we can smell it all over you.

Ah, but when you do cultivate those qualities, people will start checking out your left ring finger for that tell-tale glint of a wedding band. Imagine how excited they'll be when they find it bare!

Best (or worst) breakup excuses

It’s time for some Thursday levity.

What’s the best (or worst in most cases) breakup excuse you’ve received?

There’s always the: “It’s not you, it’s me” speech, or the “I love you so much I just think it’s best we’re not together” sad song. And let’s not leave out a classic: “We’re better off as friends.”

Hopefully, after you get over your infuriation or possible disappointment, you can sit back and laugh at the absurdity of some of the excuses you’ve heard before.

A friend of mine had to do just that recently -- “laugh or I’ll go insane” is how he put it. He said a girl recently broke up with him because she had too many distractions going on in her life. Her excuse for wanting to end the courtship: “I just want to lay low.”

Oh dear! What does “laying low” truly mean, and do folks honestly think that's gonna fly as a reason to end a relationship?

And for the sake of full disclosure, the worst excuse I heard was from a guy I dated for a month or so in college. He told me: “I’m way too poor for you, so I just don’t think this is going to work out.” Too poor. Yeah buddy. Next!

So, let’s have it: Give us your lamest breakup excuse!

You're single. He's married. What do you do?

I've put off writing this entry for awhile now. But I'm sitting here ... it's late ... I have my wine. I'm in the mood to talk about it.

I was propositioned by a married man. We'd been on friendly terms and I knew there was a mutual admiration society going on. But you know how you think you know what's going on, and you think you're in control of a situation and then you suddenly realize not only are you NOT in control, but you've gotten in over your head? That's what happened to me. One minute we're joking, the next minute he's dead serious. He told me, in no uncertain terms, what he wanted to happen between us. Whatever you're imagining? That's probably what he asked me to do.

And I almost said yes.

Stay cool; nothing happened. But single people, can I get a witness? How many times have you started chatting with someone at a bar, in line at the grocery store, at a football game, anywhere -- and you're thinking, "wow, this is a really cool person and I think there could be something here" and then you glance down and see the wedding band? Or they casually say "yeah, my wife and I went there for vacation," or "my husband read that book and said it's awesome"? And you get that gut punch of disappointment, or you feel like a big ol' fool for not catching on sooner? Sucks, doesn't it?

Or you find yourself in a situation like mine (and it's happened before, but I still didn't see it coming) where you're friendly with a married person you find attractive, but you know they're off limits ... and then, whoops, apparently they're not? What do you do?

Me, I back the hell away. I don't share men. I'm no home-wrecker and I'm no time-filler for someone who's bored, or wants something "different." And to be honest, I believe in karma. How can I expect a man who'll be faithful to me if I'm willing to mess with some other woman's man? Then there's the mother of all reasons not to get involved with a married person: if they'll cheat to be with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you to be with someone else?

But my overarching reason to stay away: if you want a lasting relationship of your own, why waste time with someone who isn't available in every sense of the word?

Oh, I know why. Being single can be lonely. It can seem hopeless and endless. Sometimes you think you can't bear another night alone in your bed. Or another day without a phone call or e-mail from someone saying they think you're the bee's knees. But more than likely, if a married person is filling those roles, they're doing it for themselves, not you. It's easy to romanticize, but bottom line, you're being used. (Heh. Makes me think of that Bill Withers song, "Use Me": I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used/Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up. You're no help, Bill.)

Look, I'm not here to judge. If you're living an R. Kelly song, hiding in a closet when someone's spouse comes home, well, that's your business. Duck, run fast and don't forget your underwear. But to the single people out there like me who want love and monogamy and domesticity and all that stuff, I say: hang in there and keep your eye on the prize. Tell married and sexy to go home to their better half. You deserve more.

Check this out: True Wife Confessions

Deirdre: A friend of mine turned me on to a Web site: True Wife Confessions (warning: graphic content). She's married and visits the site to see what other women are saying about their relationships. It's an intense site. Now that you've seen it, what do you think?
Alisha: W.O.W. Just spending 10 minutes reading through some of those confessions has evoked all kinds of feelings: shock, empathy, sadness, relief and ... I could keep going.
Deirdre: I know. That's how I felt as well.
Alisha: I wonder how many of them are sincere confessions?
Deirdre: That was my big question. I think there's an unspoken agreement between bloggers and readers that the blogger is being truthful. I don't lie or embellish on our blog and you don't either. But we're journalists. It goes against our nature to lie (and there are more of us than there are Jayson Blairs in our profession). Many people on the blogsphere might not be so conscientious.
Alisha: Some of the entries seem to be a very accurate depiction of how much a relationship can be a roller coaster of good and bad times.
Deirdre: Yeah, but most of the comments aren't suitable for non-adults -- there's talk of unsatisfying sex lives, child custody issues, adultery, abortions, people falling out of love -- or for everyday conversation, either. So what I appreciate about the site is that it gives women a place to vent their pain, anger, shame when they may not feel comfortable sharing such information with family members, a therapist or a minister.
Alisha: On the flip side, the success of the site seems to be a sad commentary that some women don't feel they can communicate their deepest and darkest feelings with their partner. I'd love to know how many men read the site, and how many of those are the husbands, boyfriends and friends of these women who post "anonymous" confessions.
Deirdre: Me too! But chicks would have to tell their men to go look. Dudes doing Google searches for "wife" and "confessions" are probably looking for something in see-through lingerie and stripper heels, not sentences like "Right after we got married, I wanted to divorce you."
Alisha: True, but I'm thinking that men are much smarter than we give them credit for. Thanks for the introduction to the site. I suggest you bookmark it, gals!

A letter of closure

You once had a relationship that was meaningful, one where you invested years of passion, energy and commitment, and then for whatever reason (insert yours here), that relationship ended abruptly. It was over so quickly you never got the chance to say your piece, or even so much as a simple goodbye.

Now, years later you find yourself wishing you had the opportunity to end things once and for all. You don’t want to rekindle anything – you just want to add a sense of termination. Here’s a solution: Write a letter of closure.

I’ve been thinking of writing one for awhile now, and a recent trip to my hometown dredged up memories of a painful separation from an ex-boyfriend. He wanted to marry, and I just wasn’t ready. Our relationship ended in an argument and then – that was it. No final goodbyes, no kind words of appreciation for all the good times, no hugs – nothing. For months after our break-up, he avoided my calls, e-mails and my insistence we end what once was a blossoming relationship on a good note.

My letter of closure is not an indicator I’m unhappy with my marriage; in fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just every so often I think about my past, and wish my ex-boyfriend could hear the words I never got to say to him, and that would be enough.

In selecting the tone for a final note, some letters might be filled with anger. Others could be wrought with regret. Some might be full of sorrow. A few will overflow with good fortune for a fulfilled life, and that is the tone I chose for my letter. So here goes,

Dear ... –
I wanted to let you know our relationship meant a lot to me – more than you’ll ever know. I hope you’ve found true love and have discovered happiness in its purest form. I know I’ve found it with my husband, and I owe some of that to you because you helped teach me how to love unconditionally. You were there for me during some of the roughest periods in my life, and I want you to realize I owe you a large debt of gratitude. I wish you nothing but the best.
Goodbye.
Alisha

Trust without a truth serum

I stumbled across this and since trust is an issue that often comes up in relationships, I decided to share it.

After 50, 'openness' shouldn't require a truth serum

By Dr. Joel Block
LetLifeIn.com via McClatchy-Tribune News Services

Some time ago, I was riffling through The New York Times Book Review and something caught my eye. It was a work of fiction, a fascinating account of openness between a man and a woman.

Here's the story: A married man of 30 years spots a woman, who is also married, at a party. He writes her a letter proposing an affair. It is not to be the usual affair in that they will never meet, nor have any contact outside of correspondence.

They will not even hear each other's voices, because as the man states in his letter, "even a voice is too real for the hallucination I want to have with you." Their written contact will also be quite out of the norm. The relationship he is suggesting is one that will be fully and uninhibitedly open.
His letter suggests that, "We could be like two people who inject themselves with truth serum and at long last have to tell it, the truth. I want to be able to say to myself, 'I bled truth with her,' yes, that's what I want. Be a knife for me, and I, I swear, will be a knife for you."

It occurs to me that it would be extraordinary if the man had proposed the "truth serum" approach to his wife. Now there's an idea that sounds both exciting and terrifying. I suspect that many of us have, somewhere in our psyche, the hunger to be fully known and accepted -- even those, especially those, that hold up their hand in protest.

The secret wish we have is to have one more chance to be like that small child who puts it all out there without self-consciousness; to have nothing significant to defend, no secrets to hide, no tension about "being found out." It would be wonderful to feel secure enough to be able shout, "This is who I am, and I can embrace all of me!"

This desire is probably a hidden reason behind going into therapy for many people. The obvious reason is to deal with a presenting problem. The less obvious reason is to be known, to oneself and to another.

Of course, seeing a psychologist is relatively safe. It is like the affair proposed above. The disclosures occur between two people (although in the case of psychotherapy, it is mostly one-way) whose lives do not intersect outside of a limited context.

To even the most casual observer of couples it is apparent that the kind of experience that occurs in the affair described above is not one that most married people have with each other -- not even close.

We've all heard of the man or woman who "spills their guts" to an anonymous stranger on a plane, or in some other situation where the contact is temporary and the listener is not part of our day-to-day life. And that is the point, after giving the other person a glimpse into your soul you don't have to see them or worry about some lasting judgment they have made.

In the fantasy account, the man is taking special precautions to make the experience as impersonal as possible while he shares the most personal aspects of himself.

Loving without reservation, letting another person -- someone who you have to face the next day and everyday -- view you emotionally naked takes a degree of faith, self-awareness and, perhaps more than anything, courage. It is the courage to believe in yourself enough to be revealing and to tolerate how naked and unsettled the intensity of the experience leaves us feeling.

It requires that you accept yourself, your humanness, including shortcomings; that with your imperfections you are still worthwhile. You have to take responsibility for your feelings and regard yourself enough to express them.

It is a refusal to tolerate your own self-deceptions and to face your deepest truths. Doing this with your love partner is like walking a razor's edge. It is not for the faint of heart and it doesn't make life easier or painless. It just makes life sweeter and the pain more meaningful.

Do you dare to look into yourself and without reservation share what you find with the person you sleep with regularly? Are you willing to face yourself and your lover each day? Like anything that is worthwhile, it is not without risks.

Nowhere is more gained or lost, more lessons learned or energy squandered than in love relationships. And nothing teaches us so much about others and ourselves as living authentically with another person.

Can friends-with-benefits work?

Deirdre: A friend of mine has a perennial argument with a male friend of hers: Can a man and woman (both single) have sex and then still be just friends?
Alisha: Gosh, when I first started typing my response, I had: "Easy answer. Yes." After more thought, it's much more complicated. It all depends on the people involved.
Deirdre: So true. When she put the question to me, I immediately thought of a particular man in my past. He once asked point-blank if I could have sex with him and remain friends. I wanted him very badly, so I immediately said of course I could. But he knew me better than I knew myself. We didn't do it ... and I'm glad we didn't. I realized later that I really wanted more from him than friendship. I think plenty of people could find themselves in the same predicament.
Alisha: But what you did is something a lot of people don't take the time to do, and that's a self-assessment of intent. If a person wants a relationship eventually, then those feelings will slowly manifest and ruin any chance of a friendship.
Deirdre: Um, I didn't do a self-assessment until after he'd decided for the both of us that the sex wasn't going to happen. I was willing to risk the friendship. And I can testify that when you really want someone, you'll convince yourself that anything is possible. That everything can be the way it was -- when maybe it won't be.
Alisha: I do think there are "successful" cases of men and women who can maintain a friends-with-benefits relationship.
Deirdre: OK, here's the rub: I know people who have friends they get together with to have sex. But that's as far as the friendship goes. They don't call each other just to say hi, or have dinner, or go to movies -- you know, the non-sexual stuff that friends do. Is that friends-with-benefits, or just friendly benefits?
Alisha: It's still friends-with-benefits. Unless you're just devoid of caring about other's feelings, I'd think you'd have to enjoy hanging around the person in order to have sex with them beyond a one-night stand.
Deirdre: While I believe as you do -- that it IS possible to have a sexual relationship within a friendship -- I have a hard time not believing that sooner or later, one of the two will want more. Isn't that human nature?
Alisha: It might be common for that "bond" to develop into something more, but I still say if both parties are completely honest about their feelings and intentions, then it's realistically possible two single people can have sex and just be friends.
Alisha: Age and maturity play important factors in this argument. I don't see two 18-year-olds lasting as just friends-with-benefits for a long time, whereas I could see two divorced fortysomethings being content with this particular setup for quite sometime.
Deirdre: Hmm. If I'm in my 40s and still unmarried, I'll let you know.

Is marriage a social life killer?

Once the wedding rings are permanently on the fingers, I hear a lot of couples say their social lives take a dramatic turn for the worst. The all-night drinking benders with groups of strangers at a party, the last-minute beach trips taken with just $100 in the checking account, and the crashing at a friend’s house after watching old movies – are no more, buddy.

So, why is that? Is getting married truly the death knell for an active social life?

I couldn't decide if there's a yes or no answer, but rather I think it depends on the couple. Here are four reasons I’ve come up with that could help answer the question: Does marriage change your social life? (Hey, can you tell I vote as a Moderate/Independent? I love options and I often see both sides.)

1. Motivations: When I was single, I enjoyed going to BAR Charlotte and Have a Nice Day Café every week because those were places where my single girlfriends and I could check out single guys. Now, I’m not interested in the meat market-type venues because I have a husband. Your goals for socializing with friends change because you’re no longer focusing your get-togethers around cruising for potential mates.
2. Money, kids and stress: These categories are all but self-explanatory and in most cases, are dependent upon each other. Of course you’re not gonna spend every night out if you have children, and for most couples that have multiple kids, the lack of disposable funds can be a deciding factor on whether you spend Friday night out on the town with friends or at home with the family.
3. Similar interests: If you and your spouse are lucky to have many of the same interests, then I’m betting you don’t see a big decline in your social habits. For example, if you’re both avid boaters, then you’re more likely to have a circle of people who enjoy boating, thus you’re spending more time among friends. Also, because of your shared interests, such as attending a book club meeting together, your quality time increases.
4. Couple friends: When you get married, it’s not that you socialize less, it’s just you tend to find more couple friends. So your choice of events reflect that because you want to find activities where the four or six of you can enjoy a good time (i.e., concerts, playing cards or bowling). Plus, in your single days you might have been more of a hermit when it came to socializing, but now that you've met Mrs. I Know Everyone In Town, you're spending more time attending functions and getting to know more people.

Laugh of the day

Sometimes, those e-mail forwards we receive are actually worth forwarding. I just got this from a friend. Yes, it's a generalization, but this is the difference between women and men in a nutshell:

HER DIARY vs. HIS DIARY

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Do I fight against going gray?

I was stopped at a red light when I lowered my visor to tease a stray lash out of my eye. As I started to raise the visor back up, I did a double take.

Where did all that gray hair come from?

I was staring so hard at my head, I almost missed it when the light turned green. I knew the gray hairs were coming in, but damn! I had hoped to go gray starting with a dramatic, Bonnie Raitt-type streak in the front, not a hairline riddled with white, seemingly overnight.

It didn't help that over the weekend I rented a movie called "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone." It's an adaptation of a Tennessee Williams novel -- and really, one shouldn't have anything to do with Tennessee Williams without popping a Valium, washing it down with scotch and then moping around in a silk peignoir. I had none of those things. Watching a movie about a woman who's so deep in mourning for her lost beauty and youth that she takes up with a gorgeous, expensive Italian gigolo (with disastrous results, of course), did nothing to improve my mood. I dragged off to bed, fingering my white-tinged hairline and wishing for that scotch. I was supposed to go out with friends that night, but I was suddenly glad our plans had been postponed. Logically, I know that a smattering of gray hair isn't going to keep men from chatting me up (and if I did, I wouldn't want to be chatted up by them anyway), but emotionally ... I was bummed.

So I'm seeing my hairstylist tomorrow and I've got to make a decision. Do I talk to her about covering the gray? Or do I just get that trim?

In a marvel of timing, the Observer's Style section devoted a cover story to this very topic on Friday. But the chick they featured in the main photo -- she's decided to go gray -- looks great. Her silver strands blend so perfectly with her ashy, reddish brown ones, it almost looks like an artsy dye job. Meanwhile, my hair looks like white polish on brown dress shoes. Like Halloween ghost paint that refuses to wash out.

I come from a family of women who change their hair colors with their moods. And while I dabbled with dye in high school (I went honey blonde when Salt-N-Pepa did it, then I was a redhead for awhile), I really like my natural hair color. It's a medium brown that gets blonde highlights when I spend lots of time in the sun. Women used to come up and ask how I got the color. No woman has asked me lately. Must be the gray.

Sigh.

Readers, I need your advice. I always said I would let my hair go gray when it was ready, but that was before it really started going gray! Have any of you faced the same predicament? If so, what did you decide to do?

6 hours in 1 car with a 13-year-old

I recently drove to Alabama to visit family, and came back with an unexpected passenger: a childhood friend's 13-year-old daughter. The girl's father lives near Charlotte, and she wanted to squeeze in a visit before school started.

After I'd agreed she could come along, I immediately began to fret. Over six hours in a car with a 13-year-old? How would I entertain her? Surely my iPod Shuffle's lineup of soul tunes, '80s hair metal and the opening strains of "Carmina Burana" would have her politely asking to be dropped off at the next rest stop. So we'd have to actually converse. What on earth would we talk about?

I was even more panicked when my old friend dropped off her daughter for the trip. Daughter? With her perfectly-applied lip gloss, glamorous sunglasses and Dolce & Gabbana purse (courtesy of daddy), she looked more like a 18-year-old young lady than a 13-year-old child. Still, her mom tucked her into my passenger seat with a kiss and a "now, you mind Miss Deirdre," (I inwardly groaned at that) and sent us on our way.

The first few minutes were deeply silent, with only the hum of air conditioner and her rustles through that costly little D&G purse. Then we began to make small talk. And then, since I'm forever curious about relationships of any kind, I seized upon her stray comment about a boyfriend her mother knew nothing about.

The floodgates opened and she talked nonstop for the next six hours.

Even in the era of e-mails, texting and cell phone minutes, some things never change; the kids still pass notes in class and hang out at the skating rink and meet up at the movies. What I found most fascinating was her claim that she's already had five boyfriends. After more questions I remembered that there's really no dating when you're 13; there's only "going with" someone (now it's also "hooking up"), and "talking to" someone, and rotating names in one's mental file of crushes. The girl talked of one boyfriend she'd secured when her best friend called the guy and asked if he wanted to "go with her." He said yes and bam -- it was a done deal. Break-ups are just as arbitrary, handed down over the phone or via note or e-mail, or simply by ignoring the other person until they get the message. "Cheating" can be as simple as a boy having a conversation with another girl. It's all fluid and experimental and surface-level; young ones practicing an adult game.

And yet, this 13-year-old has a good head on her shoulders. She earns great grades, plays on the basketball team and has a tribe of friends she calls her "brothers" and her "sisters." She has a poise and a confidence that I never had as a teenager, and I applaud her mother for raising such a well-balanced child. She told me about a boy who, after she repeatedly turned down his invitations for movies and such, had gotten frustrated and called her "fat." ("I'm not fat, I'm thick. There's a difference," she told me she'd replied. Connoisseurs of the curvy black female form can testify to the accuracy of that statement.) He'd also punched her in the face, she added. I was mortified at the lack of home training on his part, but she breezily explained she'd thrown him across the room. He hasn't bothered her since.

With all this talk of boyfriends, I was getting antsy. Just what was she doing with these boys? But when I asked if she'd ever kissed any of her boyfriends, she said "NO" so emphatically that I believed her. Later in the conversation she shared that she and her best friend "sister swore" that they would remain virgins until they got married.

"A sister swear, that's SERIOUS and important," she said solemnly. "You can't break it. Ever." Her naivete was endearing -- and my sigh of relief was so great ("she's not putting out!"), my foot almost slipped off the gas pedal.

By the end of the trip we were listening to her mix CDs and she was showing me her favorite dances. When we pulled into the parking lot to meet the waiting car, she piled out, all giggles and energy. She gave me a big hug when I handed over her bag. "I had fun!" she announced.

I waved as I pulled away. I was exhausted. But I had fun, too.

One heckuva dating quandary

Alisha: Relationships are all about give and take -- on many different levels. Here's an example: You've got two girls (or two guys) to decide on whether to start dating exclusively. One chick ranks as a 9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 (attractive, has great character, sound judgment, is honest, has the same values as you, etc.) -- except you're not sexually compatible whatsoever.
The other ranks as a 1.5 (not good looking, has character flaws, poor judgment, different values from yours, is untrustworthy, etc.), but it's the best sex you've ever had.
Who do you pick and why?
Deirdre: My gut reaction? Don't date either of them exclusively. That way, you can search for someone who's compatible to you on all levels.
Alisha: C'mon, that's no fun. You have to choose one or the other here; so who is it?
Deirdre: Sigh. I gotta be honest. I'm feelin' frisky, so I would love to choose the guy who'd give me the best sex I ever had. Just for, like, two weeks, tho! And I'd make sure he got tested for STDs and AIDS, and I'd hide all my valuables. Heck, I wouldn't let him come to my house at all. After the two weeks, I'd get back to the search for the more compatible man I was talking about. And I'd be in a great mood.
Alisha: This is a tough decision -- one I'd have to view in two ways. If I'm looking to settle down and find a mate to have kids with, then I'd go for the 9.5 and the bad sex, but if I'm wanting to date around, it would be difficult to pass up the mind-blowing love-making. Hint: Just turn off the lights since the 1.5 might not be too pretty on the eyes.
Deirdre: I agree on going with the 9.5 for the long haul. If you love someone and the two of you are committed to making the relationship work, I believe there is no bad sex -- only sex that needs improvement. So if a person has every quality you want but the sex isn't up to par, you shouldn't let that keep you from pursuing something serious. There's so much more to a relationship than sex.
Alisha: To play devil's advocate, I'm sure there have been quite a few marriages that have ended because the sex was a complete mismatch. Intimacy and affection are keys to happiness.
Deirdre: Of course! I would add to my earlier statement that there has to be communication. People can't assume sex difficulties (or money issues, or family problems) will eventually just "work themselves out."
Alisha: I have to agree with a friend's response when I posed this hypothetical situation to her: "Bottom line: Incredible sex isn't worth dating a boring troll."
Deirdre: Well, dang, when you put it like that, I'd have to agree! But I wasn't really talking about dating the troll, per se ...

A Hopeless cry for help

A reader asked for my advice, and since I know her problem is a common one (many a woman will shout, “can I get an amen?” when they read this), I got her permission to answer her on the blog.

Q: I'm a 33-year-old, attractive, single, six figures, no kids, never married, never engaged, African-American woman. I'm living in Charlotte now and ready to meet a guy who I can get into a possible relationship with.

I've attended several events where I knew men around my age would be in hopes of meeting someone. Well, I guess I am a little "old school," because I like for the men to approach me. But after talking with some of the men on my job, they all say the same thing: if you want us, come and get us (in other words I have to be the man now and they are the girl). Its 2007 and the men have become liberated?!

Needless to say, I'm still single. I'm not sure if I should wait on them to make eye contact with me and wink or what. Should I also offer them my lipstick and bra? I'm confused -- am I the man or the woman and at which point should I act like the man or the woman? I have heard men say that they don't want a woman to be too aggressive ... OK. What do men want now?

Feeling Hopeless in Charlotte

A: Hopeless, girl, I feel you. I'm no relationship expert, but this topic has come up in conversations with my girlfriends, so I'll tell you the same three things I've discussed with them.

First: Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you’re uneasy, that probably means you’re acting in a way that is not true to yourself. People often behave in a manner they think others want, which leads to relationships built on unsteady foundations. Case in point: You ask what it is that men want, but the question should be what do YOU want. Stay true to yourself and when you find The One, you'll know he loves you for you, and not some mirage you've created.

Second: That “if you want us, come and get us” stuff is crap. Plenty of dudes believe their own hype and think they're players worthy of being fought over. Men who are looking for meaningful relationships will at least try to bypass the drama (no accounting for exes and family issues). Hold out for a man who'll treat you the way you want to be treated.

Third: Here's the deal -- women already make the first move. Haven’t you seen those Discovery channel shows about male-female attraction? A woman uses body language to let a man know she'd be receptive to his approach. (Sure, some clueless dudes will hit on anything in a skirt, but most men will wait for a sign.) See a guy you like in a store, in a bar, at the gym? Patiently wait until you catch his eye, hold the glance for a second, then look away. At this point the guy is going, "hey, is she ...?" and he's checking you out to see if he might be interested. If he is, he'll wait for another glance, which you'll give ... and this time, you'll hold it for a beat or two longer than the last one, and smile. Or if you pass by him, either stop to say hello (if you feel comfortable doing that), "accidentally" brush against him and apologize (it's fake and you both know it, but it works) or simply keep walking, again with the smile. Any man will get the message and make a move if he's interested. If it looks like he's waiting on you to come to him, move on -- you prefer men who make the approach, so this one is obviously not for you.

Now, Hopeless, don’t offer a man your lipstick unless he’s a drag queen who likes the shade (but be sure to wear lipstick in a color that flatters your skin tone and tastes good, in case there are kisses). And don’t offer a man your bra unless you want a one-night stand (but be sure that it’s a nice bra, because pretty lingerie makes you feel pretty).

Don't feel hopeless, Hopeless: Dating is hard for most of us singles, no matter where we are. Stay positive and go with your gut. If I run across a great guy I'll let you know, because you, sister, are a catch!

What the...?!

The first dance at this reception should've been "Thin Line Between Love and Hate," followed by the announcement, "is there a divorce attorney in the house?"

LONDON (AP) -- Scottish bride Teresa Brown's dream of a perfect wedding day probably did not include attacking the groom with her stiletto shoe and spending the weekend in a cell.

Police arrested the 33-year-old in the couple's hotel room in April while her wedding reception continued downstairs, prosecutor Alan Townsend said.

The distraught groom, Mark Allerton, 40, staggered to the front desk, clutching a bloody towel to his head, Townsend said.

"He indicated that his wife had struck him over the head with a stiletto heel," the prosecutor said.

Police found Brown, a real estate agent's assistant, sitting on the hotel room bed, surrounded by broken glass.

Brown told police she and her husband had "been accusing each other of different things," the prosecutor said, without going into details. Brown said she hit him on the head because he had taken a hold of her, he added.

Brown's lawyer Stuart Beveridge said the newlyweds began throwing things at each other after an argument in their room turned physical. He said Brown had been on antidepressants at the time and had been drinking.

"She and her husband are still together although this incident has not helped," he said, adding she is receiving counseling.

Warning signs a breakup is near

So you and your significant other can't stop fighting. The arguments started out over big things, issues that any couple should discuss, but now your fights focus on where you're going to dinner and why you didn't call when you got home two hours later than expected.

They all seem to be silly, petty arguments that make you wonder if your partner is trying to tell you something.

According to an article published Thursday on yahoo.com, author Elina Furman gives her top five signs you're about to get dumped. I think she hit the nail on the head with the "forgetting to call" sign.

What would be your top five signs?

Strangers calling us 'hun' and 'baby'

Deirdre: Something I've noticed: When the security guards downstairs -- at least a dozen years older than me -- say hello and goodbye, they use terms of endearment. "Darlin'." "Precious." "Doll Baby." "Princess." It doesn't bother me; in fact, it usually makes me smile. But when younger guys address me as "baby" or "boo" or "sweetheart," it really bugs me. Does stuff like this ever happen to you?
Alisha: Sure. In fact, it happened Thursday at Bruegger's Bagels. The guy fixing my bagel kept calling me sweetie. Each time he said it, I melted. It was, um, sweet.
Deirdre: How old do you think he was?
Alisha: He made some comment that he's been married 10+ years, so ... I thought he looked 35.
Deirdre: Hmm. I don't know how I would feel about that. I think that in general, men in their 50s and older use terms of affection because that's the way they were raised -- with a protective, almost paternal, attitude toward women. But younger men, especially those under 35 ... they've been raised with women as their equals. So for them to use such a term (especially if they are strangers) can be almost insulting, because it seems more of a conscious act.
Alisha: It's not an age thing at all. On the whole, it's an issue of men being courteous toward women. If a 19-year-old guy, who is mature, calls me "sugar," then I'm going to smile and think it's cute. Just because a man grew up in the 1950s doesn't mean he's more apt to use terms of endearment versus boys who were taught good manners by their parents.
Deirdre: I agree with your last sentence, but I don't think I'd be smiling if some 19-year-old called me "sugar." I'd probably raise an eyebrow so high, I'd get a cramp in it -- I'm old enough to be his mom! I don't think that's respectful.
Alisha: Possibly. I guess it depends on the situation. I thought you, having grown up in the South like myself, would have adjusted to men using such terms?
Deirdre: I didn't hear the terms much from strangers during my years in California, so it's more obvious to me now. Also, I've become more sensitive to it as I age. I think I'm just irritated by men I don't know calling me "baby" and looking at me, as an old friend used to say, like "they want to put me on a plate and sop me up with a biscuit."
Alisha: If you're walking down a street, and a construction worker screams over the machinery, "Hey baby, what's shakin'?" then that can be construed as just rude. But, if I'm getting my oil changed and a guy says, "Car's all done, love." Then I'll just say thank you.
Deirdre: Is this mostly a female thing? I wonder if guys are ever bothered by being called "hun" by women they don't know.
Alisha: Men aren't left out. Have you never been to a truck stop before? The ladies at the counter are always calling those fellas all kinds of names.
Deirdre: It probably washes right over them.
Alisha: Affectionate nicknames are acceptable in my book, as long as they're not a disguise to subjugate me as a woman.
Deirdre: I don't want to leave you thinking I find all men younger than me insulting when they use nicknames. For example, there's a guy at work who looks about 30. When he sees me he always says "how you doin', love?" It gives me a little thrill because of the way he says it -- it's confident, there's an awareness that we're not giggling preteens but a man and a woman ... yet there's nothing skeezy about it. What bothers me about some men and their "baby's" is they come across as ingratiating. Assuming intimacy when there is none.

What say you, readers? How do you feel about terms of endearment from strangers?

Rejection Hotline a real time saver

You’re in a bar with two of your best buds. The music is pumping, the dance floor is packed and you’re looking good in your designer jeans.

You find a gal you’re attracted to and you strike up a conversation. Everything is going great – until this potential take-home’s stock drops like it’s October 1929. Her ex is on probation and oh, she lives at home with mom, dad, grandma and three ferrets. Next!

But, she asks for your phone number. You don’t want to hurt her feelings, you just want out. So you grab a bar napkin and write down: 704-264-2861. Good night chickie, and good luck, you think to yourself.

You have just provided what I think is the coolest innovation, The Rejection Hotline. The “fake” number gives callers a G-rated and humorous recording that expresses your non-interest in a not-so-subtle manner.

The idea, invented by RH Brands, LLC president and creative director Jeff Goldblatt, has grown since it started as a joke on an answering machine in 2001.

The Charlotte Rejection Hotline number receives around 10,000 calls per month, according to Goldblatt. He says the more than 100 numbers nationwide get about 2.6 million calls a month. Goldblatt estimates Charlotte’s number is slightly below the average for most cities because there are other numbers in close proximity, including Greensboro, Raleigh and an 803-area code number for South Carolina residents.

Back when I was single, I gave my real number to a real loser (or two or three, or ... wow, a lot). Inevitably he (or they ) would call three days later, and I’d make up some excuse for why I wasn’t interested. I wish I'd had this hotline number; it sure would have saved a lot of time in the excuse department.

Tiger stirs emotions, good and bad

I was e-mailing with some girlfriends about photos of Tiger Woods and his wife and new baby. While most of the comments were cooing and cute ("They'd better hide that girl. Angelina will try to adopt her!"), I found myself in an exchange with one good friend that I wasn't expecting. Here's an excerpt:

Me: I'm really happy for Tiger. I wish his dad had lived to see his granddaughter.
Friend: I'm not unhappy for Tiger, but I don't have enough love for him to be happy. ... As a black person, not just a woman, I've always felt rejected by Mr. Casablanca or whatever made-up race he decided he was. Yes, I accept the accuracy of it, however ... I knew then he'd never end up with a black woman.
Me: Doesn't matter to me what race he married. But I know I'm in the minority on that point.
Friend: It doesn't matter what race he married ... if I felt that someone black had had a chance.
Me: I refuse to hold that against him. So he's not attracted to black women. That's his choice. He lives his life, we live ours.
Friend: You're right. If only he weren't an example of so many men. It's hurtful to be the least attractive of women ...

At this point, I asked if I could mention the conversation on the blog. She said she didn't mind, then continued (the parentheses are hers):

Friend: You understand what I'm saying tho, right? Tiger simply magnifies the issue (or he's the most prominent example): Many men are looking for any ethnicity of woman except African-American. And usually I would say black. But there are many white men who find African women attractive (or end up with them), but don't like (never considered) African-American women.

I avoid this topic, because it depresses me. Black women are the least likely people to get married in America. We're the most likely to raise children alone. And as far as male-female relations go within the black community, some women get really pissed off when they see a black man with a woman of another race. They see it as selling out, or abandoning their race, or as just not giving black women a chance. (As an aside, author Joy Jones wrote a provocative Washington Post essay entitled "Marriage Is for White People" that was heavily forwarded and discussed among blacks. Check it out.)

Race doesn't matter to me in my search for potential partners. The way I see it, people have such a hard time connecting, let alone building committed relationships, that limiting yourself to a certain race may hinder your efforts. Yet I totally understand the desire and preference for people to marry within their race as well.

As I said to my friend, we live our own lives. We make the decisions that are best for us. But let's try not to hold it against others if they make a choice that we wouldn't.

Surprisingly results in new sex study

The National Center for Health Statistics released survey results on Friday, detailing specifics on sexual activity among U.S. adults. Interesting stuff.

Our thoughts?

Deirdre: What jumped out at me: That the CDC thinks this survey might be more accurate than others because the respondents didn't have to do face-to-face interviews. Even though there's no one there to judge -- people take the survey in a room by themselves -- I think people might still lie. If someone is ashamed of what they've done, they may not be willing to admit it, even anonymously. That would mean admitting it to themselves as well.
Alisha: The results seem skewed to me, including this: "The questions about numbers of sexual partners specified heterosexual relationships, and thus the survey did not measure the extent of gay or lesbian sexual partnerships." How could you omit so many people?
Deirdre: It's kind of like, why do the survey if you're not gonna measure all types of sexual relationships?
Alisha: Especially knowing how many people are involved in homosexual and bisexual relationships, and the number of folks who are on the "down low."
Deirdre: Exactly. Another surprise for me was the survey estimated about 96 percent of U.S. adults have had sex. For some reason, I expected the number to be lower. But it's great that so many of us are getting busy!

In this case, 'Age' does matter

Sigh. It looks like I've added another reality dating show to my summer TV viewing. But two is my limit, I swear!

It's NBC's "Age of Love," which premiered last night. You've got to admit, the premise is intriguing. Australian tennis pro Mark Philippoussis, 30, says he's ready to settle down and is looking for the right woman. (Which -- c'mon, he used to date Paris Hilton and his last girlfriend was 20. 20!) Imagine his surprise when seven lovely ladies introduce themselves to him, and their age range is 39 to 48. Then, just as he's getting used to the fact he'll be dating women who have kids near his age, seven more chicks are thrown in, all in their 20s. Who will he pick, a "cougar" or a "kitten"? Watch Mark's confusion! See the ladies' claws come out!

NBC calls "Age of Love" "the ultimate social experiment," which makes me laugh out loud, but I'm fascinated nonetheless. When Mark first took a seat among the older women, he looked terrified and intimidated. Dude was clearly out of his comfort zone. None of the women looked their age. All seven were beautiful, pictures of health and vitality with their glossy hair, sparkling eyes and trim figures. (The 48-year-old had a body many 18-year-olds would kill for.) They were all accomplished and confident and looking for someone to share their lives. Sure, there was some talk about the idea of older women dating younger men, but one chick summed it up perfectly: "If older men can do it, why can't I do it, too?" Amen, sister!

Since I'm 37, obviously I'm gonna lean toward the Forties (the older chicks) as opposed to the Twenties (the younger ones). But even the show's editing seems tilted their way. The Twenties are shown in their already trashed apartment, clad in bikinis and twirling hula hoops around their taut middles while the Forties are calmly reading and doing laundry and settled in with needlepoint. (The show is based in a snazzy high rise, where the Forties, Twenties and Mark have separate apartments.) While the Forties make comments such as "I can do anything a 20-year-old can do" and "let's celebrate our individual yumminess," the Twenties snark about "what's a synonym for old?" "why would anyone want someone with crow's feet and saggy boobs?" and how "desperate" the older women must be to come on the show. (Um, since the silicone-enhanced bottle blonde who said that is also on the show, what does that make her?)

I think most people would agree with the adage, "you're only as old as you feel." If Mark Philippoussis is willing to focus on the chemistry and compatibility he feels and not their ages, it'll be an interesting show indeed.

BTW: Mark had to eliminate an older woman last night, and he didn't get rid of the 48-year-old who has a son his age (as I expected), or the twice-divorced 40-year-old (my second choice). He sent home a 46-year-old who looks 36 because he was already feeling the kiss-of-death "friend" vibe.

This show is a good 'Match' for singles

I caught a couple episodes of an interesting show over the weekend. If you're dating, it wouldn't hurt to give it a look.

The show is A&E's "Confessions of a Matchmaker," (Saturday nights at 10) and it's about a professional matchmaker named Patti Novak (above) who lives and works in Buffalo, N.Y.

There are many things I love about this 30-minute show. For one, it's in Buffalo, not L.A. or New York City, where the people always seem larger than life on TV. Buffalo is just a regular ol' city -- albeit one with brutal winters, which is when this show was taped.

Another is Patti herself. She's a straight-talker who's not afraid to tell people what their biggest obstacles are to finding love. Her job is really more therapist than anything, because the problem is usually people's low self-esteem, and how it manifests itself in their dating lives. Patti's blunt. She cusses. She refuses to take crap from clients. She told one guy, a 41-year-old virgin, that he is "way gay." (And he totally is. You should've seen him flirting with the dude she set him up with ... after she'd sent him out with a sexy divorcee and nothing clicked.) She told another client -- a 22-year-old who looked 35 because of all her tanning -- that she was gonna look like a hag at 50 with that tanning and heavy makeup. And she told yet another client, who was 100 pounds overweight (he used food as a crutch after a bad breakup), that his table manners were disgusting. Watching him eat really did turn my stomach.

The reason I say singles could get something out of this is because you'll see plenty of examples of what not to do on dates. In two episodes these "don'ts" were reinforced:

-- Don't spill your entire relationship history on the first date.
-- Don't quiz your date about his/her sex drive the first time you meet them for dinner.
-- No checking your makeup at the table.
-- For chrissakes, don't chew with your mouth open.
-- No calling your best friend on your cell and having them come check out your date ... and then join you for shots.
-- Don't drink so many shots that you get sloshed.
-- Don't get bad hair extensions (OK, that wasn't an obvious one, but the tanning fanatic really had a jacked-up weave).

I think the big message Patti is trying to get across is that if you want love, sometimes -- OK, most of the time -- if you have a problem sustaining successful relationships, the problem is you. But the good news is once you're aware of that fact, you can fix it ... and end up with the perfect match.

What would your painting look like?

"I've caught this magical landscape and it's the enchantment of it that I'm so keen to render. Of course lots of people will protest that it's quite unreal, but that's just too bad." –Claude Monet

I found myself in a unique predicament five weeks ago.

“So what do you want me to paint for you?” asked one of my best girlfriends, Stephanie Galeotti. I finished touring her newly-built home in Savannah, Ga., and had commented on the abstract art she had painted and hanging in almost every room.

I stammered for a few minutes, hoping to contemplate a little longer because this wasn’t an everyday type of inquiry. Then, in an instant, the ideas flowed like a dam had been removed from a reservoir.


“How about a painting with a barn, rolling green hills, sunflowers and lots of blue and yellow colors? And off in the sky, almost as if the barn were dreaming, you add a cityscape sitting in the clouds?” I asked of Stephanie.

The idea behind the painting? It’s city girl meets country boy. Merlot mixes with Budweiser. Alisha meets Richard. You get the idea. I’m from Raleigh, and though it’s not quite metro New York, it is a big city in comparison to Lawndale, N.C., where Richard grew up. I don’t think there's a single stoplight in the Lawndale city limits.

Plus, I wanted something that represented the marriage to my best friend, and what better way to meld our different backgrounds together than to show a barn and a city? It's our own little version of "Green Acres."

In less than a week’s time, Stephanie finished our painting (pictured above). When I first saw it, I was so thrilled. She had captured, in the coolest of abstract ways, the true essence of Richard and me. We finally got to hang it in our kitchen this past weekend.

This whole experience got me thinking. What if a talented artist, much like my friend, were to offer a painting for you and your significant other? What symbols would you suggest, how would you illustrate your relationship, what colors should be used?

It’d be awesome if readers could post their own illustrations. Since that's an unlikely option with blogger.com, how about sharing your ideas for your own "relationship painting"?

Is it OK to lie in a relationship?

Alisha: So, after you've been dating someone for awhile, when is it fine to start fudging the truth -- or is it ever a good idea?
Deirdre: I don't think it's ever OK, but sometimes it's a necessary evil.
Alisha: Totally agree. I know one such instance is the, "Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?" I'm sure some men, OK, maybe most men, lie when responding to their significant other.
Deirdre: Whenever I ask my man a question like that, I ask because I value his opinion and I really want to know. I say if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. It's not fair to force people to lie to make you feel better.
Alisha: So if your man said, "Yes, you look bad" in four different pairs of pants, do you honestly think he's gonna say it a fifth time? My husband refuses to answer the question period, no matter how many times or ways I ask.
Deirdre: That's because society has trained men that it's a question that'll get them into trouble.
Alisha: But that's where a lot of "lying" comes from, these "trouble area" questions. I think some folks would rather just chalk it up to a white lie rather than sleep on the couch for the week. I bet it happens more than we think.
Deirdre: If I had my way, I would never lie in my relationships. But sometimes ... you have to do it to avoid hurt feelings. Those are the little lies we might tell our mates. But BIG lies -- no way. Like, leaving out first husbands, or babies given up for adoption, or sexually transmitted diseases -- you gotta come clean on stuff like that.
Alisha: It depends on the severity of the issue. STDs - um, yeah, no hiding that. I could see where a woman might never tell her husband she gave up a baby for adoption. That's part of her past, not his, and if she sees it having no direct impact on their relationship, then why give up something that private?
Deirdre: I believe the things we do now make us who we are later. That might be part of her past, but it's still part of the person she is now. It's important for her partner to know that about her. We're talking about babies, but let's take one step back and talk sexual partners. I'm sure plenty shave off (or add) the number of people they've slept with. I tell the truth, and I want to know the truth, even if I might not like it. How do you feel about it?
Alisha: You should be as honest as possible. When it's something that directly affects your partner, then there should be nothing but the truth.
Deirdre: What bothers me is I know men and women who lie so much in relationships, they don't even realize they're doing it anymore, y'know? They say everything is fine when it's not. They say they are happy when they're not. They do things they don't want to do, but say they want to. All so they can keep a partner. What they don't realize is that every time they don't tell the truth, they lose a little of themselves.
Alisha: That's because those people don't put themselves first. They allow their partner to define who they are, and that's a shame. Be honest with yourself and with others.

What do you think, readers? Is lying acceptable in your relationship?

Embrace National Women’s Confidence Day

Did you know today is National Women’s Confidence Day? I had no idea, and only found out about it because I heard a radio DJ declare it a few days ago.

Last year, rapper and actress Queen Latifah, Rep. Carolyn B. Maloney (D-N.Y.) and the YWCA teamed up to launch the first National Women’s Confidence Day, to be celebrated the first Wednesday in June. Their goal is to acknowledge and increase confidence among women in their professional and personal lives.

I think it’s a great starting point. Women should take time to reflect on their successes, family, joys in life, careers and relationships. My hope, though, is that women do not pause for reflection on just one day a year. Celebrations of confidence should be spread out because heaven knows we all need constant little reminders that life is gonna turn out A-OK. I think this is where I cue up Gloria Gaynor.

So to honor this day, (and really every day) where women should hold their head up high, here are five ideas to encourage confidence building:

1. Call, e-mail, or heck, even text message, that guy you’ve been crushing on for weeks. Who knows? You might have a date for Friday night.

2. Jot down a short list of things you have accomplished recently. Here’s mine as an example: * Spent quality time with my sick grandma. * Finally started cleaning out the second bedroom. * Mailed out birthday cards so they got there on time.

3. Go out and buy a really flattering outfit or some sexy lingerie.

4. Dust off all of your photographs at home, on your desk or in your wallet. Take a long look at those who love you for just being you.

5. Take your arms, hold them out in front of you, cross them, fold them back toward you and give yourself the biggest hug and pat on the back you can give. You deserve it!

Once your mom's child, always a child?

I was at an art event last night and who should walk in but my accountant. Since I usually only visit her around tax time, it was a treat, because I really like my accountant.

So when I saw her last night, we immediately got glasses of wine and settled in to talk. Turns out she's going on a family vacation out West soon -- the San Diego area, then up to Las Vegas. And not only is she going with her adult son and his family, but she's bringing her parents along.

Would I attempt such a trip? Hell, no! But she's really looking forward to it, especially the time she'll spend with her mom and dad.

My accountant is at least a decade older than me (I don't dare guess past that, because she's one of those ageless women who look 40 until they're 65), so I was surprised when she said her parents were the only people who could still tell her what to do. What? Don't we ever get past that point in our lives? And when I complained that my mom sometimes treats me as if I were still 12, she nodded ruefully in understanding.

"Don't they ever see us as adults?" I asked. This is a sticking point with me, because my mom often refers to me as "little girl," when I'm much taller and almost 40.

But my accountant, a daughter and a mother herself, just said no, our parents never do.

Well, as long as my mom doesn't impose curfews or choose outfits for me or wipe smudges off my face with a licked bit of napkin, I guess I'll be OK.

Corporate love: How do they do it?

During the glorious Memorial Day weekend I met two girlfriends at a bar patio to lounge in the sun, sip beer and catch up. In time, the talk turned to men.

The two chicks work at the same huge company, but in different departments. After a brief discussion about the man the younger chick-- in her mid-20s -- has her eye on at the office, they began to map out strategy.

I had to set down my beer in amazement, because these two weren't kidding. They were talking about plausible reasons for the younger one to be on the guy's floor, near his office. They were talking about synchronizing lunch schedules and charting when this dude went to the cafeteria -- all with the goal of "bumping" into him.

I was impressed, but I was thinking this was sounding a little high school. Then I remembered those tactics worked then -- why wouldn't they work even better now, when we know about subtlety? But I still felt like I was missing an important piece of information.

"Why don't you just walk up to him and say hi?" I ventured. They both gave me pitying "oh, Deirdre" looks and responded in unison with a firm "NO."

I've worked for newspapers since college, so I've never really experienced the cultures of banking or other big businesses. My friends said their company is conservative, confining and more than a little dull. You can't just drop by a department where you don't have any business because it'll be obvious why you're there and you'll set tongues a' wagging. And while their cafeteria machinations might seem a bit much, how else will you get to see someone from another department, like, five floors down on a regular enough basis to decide if you might be interested? Besides, the plotting and planning is fun, a bright spot in what otherwise might be a "bleh" day.

Makes sense to me. That pre-dating dance we all do -- the one where we're circling each other, trying to figure out if we want to know more -- is difficult enough without the extra burden of a corporate culture hovering above it. And yet, people often find love at work, because that's where they spend most of their time.

So I'm curious. You single folks out there with careers in similar environments: How do you handle trying to date your co-workers?

Singles scene: Raleigh vs. Charlotte

I know what you’re thinking already: Alisha, you’re not single, so why are you writing on the singles scenes in Raleigh and Charlotte? Let’s just say I have some experience being single in both cities; I haven’t been married for forever, ya know!

I grew up in Raleigh (ages 6-18) and have lived in the Queen City area for the past nine years. To me – it’s been the best of both worlds because the cities vary in their offerings, from sports to business to apartment living to yes, even the singles scene.

According to Kiplinger’s Personal Finance, Raleigh ranks as one of the best cities for young singles. Are you surprised at this news? I’m not. Raleigh has the college-town feel cornered, and much like Charlotte, has completely revitalized a lot of its downtown area with night clubs and restaurants (I miss the old downtown Darryl’s off of Hillsborough Street). Charlotte seems to have a young business-professional feel to it, as though if you don’t work at a bank then you’re the odd man out. The Queen City has always felt more “adult” to me; wine in Charlotte, kegs in Raleigh.

I could sit here and debate the pros and cons of the singles scene in each city, but I’d much rather hear from readers who are single and have some experience in both regions. So, let’s hear it: Which city in your mind ranks the best for singles?

The power of the panty

I was catching up with one of my closest friends when I mentioned I've been feeling kinda blue lately, and not very attractive. After giving me a jaunty pep talk that made me giggle, she ended with some unexpected advice.

"Don't forget to wear good panties," she announced. "Because you always know when you're wearing good panties."

I laughed off her suggestion, but after we ended our phone conversation I thought about what she said. She was onto something.

Guys, I hate to break it to you, but you know that beautiful, or cute, or sexy or bawdy lingerie we have tucked into our dresser drawers? It's as much for us -- maybe even more so -- as it is for you. A nice pair of panties and matching bra can change a woman's whole outlook on an otherwise average day. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we're doing something special for ourselves that no one else knows about. Or maybe it's the rush of wearing something delicate under beat-up sweats for a routine trip to Home Depot or the grocery store. Perhaps it's the knowledge that beneath an exterior of workplace propriety is a very naughty girl indeed, judging by her knickers.

Whatever the reason, good underwear can make a woman stand differently, move differently, treat people differently. She may catch herself smiling secret little smiles and twirling her hair around her fingers in a decidedly voluptuous manner. Or maybe she'll suddenly have the courage to ask for that raise, or that hot guy's phone number.

So, yeah. Every now and then, a woman needs to pull out the good panties, for no other reason than she feels like pampering herself, reveling in her womanness.

Am I wearing good panties today? I'm not tellin'.

'Bachelor': Who am I kidding?

OK, I just watched the finale of "The Bachelor" again. And I while my last post was from my head, I realized I should have responded from my gut.

I think I was trying to justify why I watch the show with all that talk of microcosms and relatable situations and such. While all that stuff may be true, c'mon. It's not really why I, or other people, watch.

We want to see cat fights and bad cocktail dress choices and bikini-clad romps in hot tubs and awkward make-out sessions. We want to try to guess which of the chicks will put out (or won't, and get canned for it). We want to watch the trips home, and see the insides of other people's houses, how they dress, what they eat, if they drink liquor or not and if they have good manners.

I watched the "Bachelor" finale last night with five people, and we analyzed everything. We cursed the (brilliant) editing because from commercial break to commercial break, we bounced between "It's Bevin!" No, it's Tessa!" "No, dang, he's going with Bevin!" "No, it's gotta be Tessa!" I had a tension tummyache for most of the show and several of us threatened to cry. The final rose ceremony, where Andy had to send Bevin home, was so real and so awful, we could barely watch. She cried. He cried. She was so devastated she couldn't speak. We went silent with sympathy. When he picked Tessa, we squealed with glee. We sighed as they murmued "I love you!" to each other over and over, and he picked her up and swung her around.

It was an emotional roller coaster. And I loved it -- and I'll be watching the "After the Final Rose" show tonight.

You know what? At our cores, most of us are romantics. Even though logically we know better, we adore the "love at first sight, love conquers all, love between beautiful people that ends with gorgeous diamond engagement rings and happily ever after" fantasy. "The Bachelor" taps into that -- and I for one, eat it up with a big spoon.

There. I feel much better now.

This 'Bachelor's' love story one to savor

OMG -- did you guys see the "Bachelor" finale last night? Navy doc Andy chose social worker Tessa, then got down on one knee and proposed and she said yes. It was awesome.

I've always been fascinated by "The Bachelor," because it's a microcosm of the dating world. It's crazy concentrated -- the show is filmed over six weeks, and by the end, the bachelor has to narrow 25 chicks down to one -- and crazy edited (no lie, those folks should win Emmys), but it still has plenty to say about how we act in the different stages of romantic relationships. Watch and you might start questioning what you would do in such situations. How far are you willing to go to get -- and keep -- someone's attention? When you're pursuing a relationship, is it because you see it as a competition you want to win, or are you more concerned with if you two are compatible? How much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice to gain the affection of another? What if you really mean it when you say "it's not you, it's me"? How do you cope with rejection?

This particular bachelor, Andy Baldwin, might have been the best one yet, because he was so dang focused. Dude was in it to win it; he came in looking for a wife and left with a fiancee, so he's well on his way. (Many of the past Bachelors have said they were looking for love, but it was more like they were looking to get laid.)

And even though Andy seemed almost too good to be true -- smokin' hot doctor who wants to be an astronaut, lives in Hawaii, is goofy-fun, adorably geeky and loves kids -- throughout the series he was, for lack of a better word, remarkably real. He got nervous and tongue-tied. When he had to send women home he agonized over his decisions and was visibly upset when they left, often to the point of tears. Near the end, he told both Tessa and Bevin that he loved them .. and you believed him. (Yeah, it wasn't cool to tell a chick you're pretty sure you're gonna dump that you love her, but he seemed caught up in the moment ... and it was obvious he really did care about her.)

Tessa, the woman he chose, was also real. She had reservations about meeting the love of her life on a TV show, but she got to know Andy. By the end of the show she was in love and terrified of telling him, because she would allow herself to be vulnerable. And isn't that a recognizable struggle?

So, yeah, two people seem to have found love on reality TV. And I think viewers are rooting for them because we all love a good love story ... especially one with a happy ending.

Flirtingintraffic.com -- who knew?

Answer: Growth rings. High-rise condos. Light-rail transit.

Question: What are hot topics related to the Charlotte-area boom in population during the past decade?

With the explosion of people comes more flirting. You got it – flirting. There are tons of single folks who are buying up the 800-square foot lofts and who are spending more than an hour a day driving up I-77 or down I-85. And the dating Web site http://www.flirtingintraffic.com/ is banking on those single commuters who love to flash a smile at the cutie in the Honda Accord in the next lane.

I had never heard of the site until a couple weeks ago, when I saw a sticker on the rear window of a girl’s Ford Explorer in rush-hour traffic. The sticker, strikingly similar to the OBX and LKN oval ones that are ubiquitous throughout Charlotte, had an ID code and the Web site listing. Curiosity got the best of me because as soon as I got to work, I logged on to the site, and I immediately thought, “Wow! Why didn’t I think of this?”

The concept is elementary. Sign up for a sticker ID by submitting your zip code online, order it for $4.99 or print out your own for free, slap it on your car, drive down the highway, bat your eyelashes and hope someone logs on to send you a message.

“The idea and the site are really catching on,” said Nikki Brash, a media representative for flirtingintraffic.com. “We might cater to singles but the site also attracts people who just want to meet friends to meet up for coffee.”

Brash said the site, a venture started a year ago, has approximately 15,000 users. Because the only required field on the online registration is zip code, the only stat relevant to our region that she could provide was that about 2,000 users between North and South Carolina are currently registered. The site attracts the most users from California, with 6,000 people logging on.

I’m not entirely convinced this is the best way to meet your future spouse, but you have to admit it’s not much different than buying a gal a drink at the bar and hoping she’ll come over and talk to you. This way, you’re just hoping to get an e-mail instead of a hangover.

The best part about the site: Not only can you add a photo of yourself to your profile, but you can also upload that close-up shot of your car!

Why didn’t I think of this?