Relationship Mad Lib

Are you tired of playing soduku or Pogo's 'poppit' online? Here’s an entertaining outlet that not only could be rather humorous, but it might also enlighten your partner -- Relationship Mad Lib! As a kid, I loved filling out creative mad libs, (a word game that prompts one to list words for blanks in a story) and who says we can’t still “play” them as adults?

Here’s a mad lib – applicable to either married folks or singles. I’ll paste mine below, and I hope some of you will copy and paste your answers in the comments section. (And, yes, I came up with this on my own!)

Here goes, and oh, have some fun!

Dreaming Up The Perfect Date

If I were to go on a perfect date, I’d love to take ______ (date’s name) to ______ (city name). We would begin our evening by going to a _______ (adjective) restaurant, where we’d eat lots of ______ (food) and ______ (food). Spending the evening ______ (“ing” verb) at ______'s (date's name) ______ (body part, something similar) would definitely top off the best time together. For dessert, I want to take ______ (date’s name) to the fun ______ (place). There, we’ll jump on the large red _______ (noun) and I’ll buy him/her the ______ (adjective) present, such as a ______ (adjective) ______ (noun).
You know, it’s amazing how dating someone so ________ (adjective) and ______ (adjective) can complete me. I’ve always wanted a man/woman who had a large ______ (noun) and who wants to ______ (verb) with me. Our night would end ______ (adverb) with his/her ______ (body part) on my ______ (noun).

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Alisha's version:

If I were to go on a perfect date, I’d love to take Richard to Miami. We would begin our evening by going to a semi-fancy restaurant, where we’d eat lots of steak and cheesecake. Spending the evening staring at Richard's smile would definitely top off the best time together. For dessert, I want to take Richard to the fun amusement park. There, we’ll jump on the large red ferris wheel and I’ll buy him/her the biggest present, such as a black gorilla.
You know, it’s amazing how dating someone so compassionate and honest can complete me. I’ve always wanted a man/woman who had a large sense of humor and who wants to laugh with me. Our night would end sweetly with his/her hands on my face.

Trend: Divorced couples living together

Gas prices, foreclosures, going green and bad credit are the hot buzzwords of 2008, and in these trying economic times, we’re all going about our lives with a different mindset than we did even five years ago.

One example of the changing times: Divorced couples are living together in the same house because they cannot afford to divide their assets, sell their house and move on.

Last week, The Boston Globe’s Lisa Prevost examined one divorced couple’s experience of trying to sell their home in a down market, all while having to cohabitate with their children.

When I first heard of the article, I immediately thought of a few friends who are in Charlotte and in the same predicament. It’s further proof this dilemma is not confined to just metropolitan cities like Boston, but it is in fact right in our own neighborhoods.

There are so many issues with divorced couples living together – too many to list and everyone’s situation is unique depending on children, finances and other intangibles – that it is hard for me to judge anyone going through it. But there is one important lesson to be gleaned from this new trend: It further enforces the idea that marriage is a long-term commitment and you need to be truly ready to take that step.

Heaven knows you don't want the future to include you living in the basement while your ex resides in the attic.

Pregnancy pact reveals underlying issues

Here's a story that'll give you pause: Seventeen girls at Gloucester High School, located in a small Massachusetts fishing town, are pregnant. That's more than four times the number reported last year. The really shocking part is that at least half of those girls apparently made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together.

None of the girls is older than 16. One of the fathers is a homeless 24-year-old.

In the story, 18-year-old Amanda Ireland offered her theory on why the girls decided to get pregnant. She had a baby during her freshman year and remembers some of the now-pregnant girls telling her how lucky she was to have a child. "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally," she said. "I try to explain it's hard to feel loved when an infant is screaming to be fed at 3 a.m."

I find the whole situation so sad. The town of Gloucester is limping along financially as its jobs go overseas. "Families are broken," says school superintendent Christopher Farmer. "Many of our young people are growing up directionless." The fact these kids feel they have to have a baby in order to experience love is heartbreaking. And what kind of future can they provide their children? When you're 16, you're not thinking about details like that.

The school clinic's medical director and nurse practitioner started prescribing birth control after they'd administered around 150 pregnancy tests. Some parents took exception to that, saying they had no right to make that decision for their children. But in this case, would birth control even matter? This is a problem that goes way deeper than sex ed. Hopefully, those parents can see that.

Addendum: One of the pregnant girls came forward and claimed there was no pact, that some of the teens just decided to help each other in a difficult situation. Doesn't change the fact that there's still 17 moms-to-be this school year.

Addicted to fright

I love to be scared. Not "oh my god, you're pregnant?!" scared, but more of the on screen "don't open the closet!" scared. My girlfriend -- not so much. She left fingernail marks in my arm just from "Spider-Man 3" so I can't imagine what she'd do if I made her watch "Saw 3" with me. It's better for my health to just skip this sharing opportunity. I'll settle for watching football together.

I remember watching "Friday the 13th" marathons before I could talk. Jason Voorhees became my anti-hero. I know you shouldn't cheer for the bad guy but c'mon ... he has my name, wears a hockey mask and is indestructible. That's pretty cool. Oddly enough I can't remember a single nightmare caused by a horror film. The blood and gore overload must not have done any permanent damage ... occasionally I'll hear Tubular Bells from "The Exorcist" playing in my head but I've learned to live with it.

I've grown out of my splatter film phase. I actually look for a glimmer of plot or suspense over body count nowadays. Recently viewed flicks I'd recommend:
"The Descent," "The Orphanage," "Silent Hill," "Saw 1-4"

I don't want to abandon my obsession completely but I'm not one to force people to do things. So basically, when the girlfriend's away the horror flicks will play. It works out. I still get my occasional fix and she goes on thinking "Halloween" is just a holiday.

Gay marriage: It's about time!

As I sat scrolling through the wire photos of people getting married today, the first full day that gay couples could get married in California, I almost started bawling at my desk. Everyone seemed to glow with happiness as they received marriage licenses or kissed after completing their vows. I think it's awesome they now have the option, and I'm optimistic about this step we've taken toward total equality in the U.S.

Just as many black Americans thought they'd never see a black man with a serious chance at becoming president in their lifetime, many gays thought they'd never have the legal right to get married. It's been quite a year, huh? And we're only halfway through it!

It was particularly touching for me to see photos of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom as he performed ceremonies and celebrated with newly wedded couples. (He officiated at the wedding of Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84, in the photo above. Del and Phyllis have been together for over 50 years and were the first gay couple to marry in San Francisco.) Years ago, I watched while Newsom, then a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, stood onstage with 100 or so couples (two of my good friends included) as they were legally given domestic partnership status.

I was later best woman when those same friends had their commitment ceremony. The room overflowed with love and support as we rejoiced in their union. I doubt my friends will get married any time before November; ever cautious of their future, they'd want to be sure the legality of the marriages would stand. But I bet they'll be partying up a storm this weekend in San Francisco. I only wish I could be there with them.

How do you feel about the legalization of same-sex marriage? Are you as thrilled as I am? Are you over the topic and ready to move on? Or do you think allowing gay marriage takes the country in the wrong direction?

(The lack of) gym etiquette

Gym relationships can be tough, because for the most part, it's a bunch of strangers sharing space and equipment. Some people can be clueless or disrespectful when dealing with fellow fitness buffs. (I'm talking about YOU, cell phone gossipers!)

Driving around this afternoon I heard an interview on NPR's "Talk of the Nation" with Newsweek reporter Tina Peng, who talked to some fitness club managers about gym rats' most obnoxious habits. The story was sparked by a Manhattan incident of gym rage: one guy became so annoyed by the grunts and shouts of a fellow rider in spin class that he tipped the other guy right off his bike and into a wall (been there, wanted to do that). Tina's list of offenses is impressive -- and yes, it includes some nut who used the sauna to make grilled cheese sandwiches, like the photo illustration above.

Not to be outdone, listeners called in with gross-out stories of their own. One dude saw a guy use the communal hair dryer to dry his private bits. Then a gym owner called to complain about people who spit in the water fountain. Ew.

What about you, area gym people? Seen anything that really ticks you off?

Wanted: Thriving singles group at church

A reader shares her dilemma:

I live near Ballantyne and am looking for a church close by with lots of singles. It seems to be a big problem around here. Carmel Baptist has lost many members; I went there for a long time. Calvary Church doesn't have a strong singles group, Church At Charlotte is in the process of building one, and the singles group at Forest Hill Church dissipated.

Can you ask the community for suggestions? Many singles feel without a home.

What say you, Relaters? Do you have any church suggestions for her?

MANegories for the ladies

Ladies, are you still trying to figure out what kind of man you're after? Here's a handy list of the three basic MANegories for you to choose from. You're welcome:

SENSITIVE MALE
Appearance: Always a sharp dresser and doesn't wear anything that's been tested on animals. Has a closet full of pink button ups and dry-cleaned underwear.
Drink: Whatever she's having.
Food: Spoon feeding his date builds an appetite. A squash and zucchini medley should suffice.
Mood Music: Anything from the current "American Idol" winner.
Sex: Probably the best sex you'll ever have... if you can ignore the uncontrollable sobbing.

AVERAGE JOE
Appearance: On a rare occasion you might spot an Average Joe with his shirt tucked in.
Drink: Beer snobs. Will send a draft beer back if the glass isn't cold enough.
Food: Has never met a food combo he doesn't like. You could shove a full course meal in a blender and he'd drink it with a smile.
Mood Music: Plays it safe with the 80's "Monster Ballads" CD.
Sex: Solid performer but tends to have trouble focusing. Avoid watching "Lost" or anything with complicated plot twists before doin' the nasty.

MANLY MAN
Appearance: Are blue jeans acceptable at a wedding? They are if you're a Manly Man!
Food: Anything that might possibly fight back.
Drink: Domestic tall boys are the drink of choice. WARNING! It's possible he'll shotgun it and crush the can on YOUR forehead.
Mood Music: Assumes Metallica's "Kill 'em All" gets all the ladies hot.
Sex: Sometimes gets sex confused with working out his abs. Stretch beforehand just to be safe. No matter what happens expect that he'll tell all his friends how awesome he was... don't worry, he'll tell you how awesome he was, too.


There are of course many other sub MANegories such as the Sugar Daddy, Great White Rapper and the elusive Man Candy but at least now you have a starting point.

I recommend 'Sex' with friends

Over the weekend I did what a lot of women did -- I went to see the new "Sex and the City" movie. (Don't worry; no spoilers here.) I didn't watch many episodes of the show, but I read so much about it, and had so many friends who constantly made "Sex" references, that I felt I knew the characters well enough to enjoy the movie.

I heard a critic refer to the movie as "the chick flick of the millennium," and he may be right. The complex I saw "Sex" in -- Phillips Place -- buzzed with feminine energy. Lots of women made an event out of it. There were so many cute summer dresses, and THE SHOES. My God. In my jeans, T-shirt (grabbed because it was clean) and flat thong sandals, I felt decidedly underdressed. I passed a gaggle of ladies standing in the lobby and asked a chatty, frock-wearing trio what they were waiting for. Turns out it was the line to enter the theater for a screening an hour later. "We came early because we wanted to get good seats together, and because we're psycho," one of the girls replied. But she was grinning, because her madness was shared.

I decided to go see "Sex and the City" opening weekend because I wanted to be a part of that energy. As we waited for the movie to start, the theater my friends and I sat in hummed like the crowd before a big concert. People clapped when the lights dimmed for the preview trailers. During the movie I laughed, gasped, cried, cheered and applauded with the rest of the audience. There's a reason "Sex and the City" is so popular with viewers. It's amazing how the characters' predicaments mirror so many real-life situations women face. (They fact that they do it while being ridiculously well-dressed is a lovely bonus.) Watching Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte together made me want to call my best friends and tell them I love them.

The next day, I squealed with glee when one of my closest friends phoned before I could call her. Turns out she had seen the movie as well, and her impulse was to call me, too! We recapped our favorite scenes (I waxed poetic about the sexiness of Chris Noth), and talked about the larger themes the movie represented: the complexity of romantic relationships and most of all, the power of female friendships.

Ladies if you haven't seen the movie yet, throw on a sassy outfit and some lip gloss, grab your friends and make a night of it. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Crushes: Different as a kid vs. adult?

Think back to your school days -- maybe it was elementary school or even as late as high school -- when you spotted a gorgeous smile from across the room that made you stop dead in your tracks.

You would then spend countless (underscore countless) time thinking about that crush, plotting how to accidentally run into your crush in the hallway, figuring out ways your friends could befriend your crush, feeding or perhaps devilishly denying the rampant gossip line that you do indeed have a crush and dreaming about how your life would be so much happier if your crush were on your arm.

Ahhhhh ... those were the days.

Now, as adults, I wonder if the way we approach crushes has changed? One would think maturity and experience would play into the way we handle the situation, actually asking a person out face-to-face instead of sending your best friend over to the other side of the playground to do your dirty work.

But there's a part of me that wants to say we never lose those juvenile tendencies to notify an intended love we have our eyes on them. How are the butterflies in the pit of your stomach any different at age 11 than they are at 53? Just because you're divorced, does that mean the way you approach a man at a bar is any different than when you approached the boy in the library during study hall?

When you break it down to its core, pursuing the object of our infatuation doesn't seem to discriminate toward age.

What do you think? Have you found yourself chasing crushes differently as an adult?

Singles: Some places to meet in the heat

I was flipping through latest issue of Eye, the Observer's free publication available in the uptown area, when I came upon this article about MatchMaker Tennis. The club pairs up people who have the same skill level, and if you've always wanted to learn how to play tennis, they also offer free beginner lessons. The weather has been so wonderful lately, and this would be a fun way to meet new people and practice your serve at the same time.

And in case you missed it, CLT (the Observer's guide to stuff to do on the weekends) had an article about rooftop patios for the partiers. I've been to a couple of them: The Forum (chatty, attractive people with a nice racial diversity, but it skews a bit young) and the Gin Mill (laid-back; weeknights are better). The list makes me want to try them all!

Got any fave places you want to share?

Two girls ... and a guy!

Deirdre: We're coming up on the second anniversary of We Can Relate this summer, and Alisha and I decided to make some changes.
Alisha: These are good changes. It's kinda like when you decide you need to add a spare bedroom to the house. We're still living in the house, but now we've improved. Also, we think it's time to get the men involved.
Deirdre: Definitely. We have a lot of male readers -- thanks, guys! -- and we agree the blog needs male representation from time to time. Also, you're married, I'm solidly single, and Jason is in a committed relationship. So we've opened up the discussion even more.
Alisha: If you've read our blog, you know Deirdre and I try to emphasize keeping your relationships spicy, exciting and spontaneous, and Jason will undoubtedly bring some fresh ideas and his own experiences on love, dating and who knows what else to the table?!
Deirdre: I think it'll be good to have a male voice to temper us sometimes, don't you, Lish?
Alisha: My husband would definitely agree to that statement! It'll be a fun, new adventure; so check out Jason's first blog below and thanks for reading -- hope you keep coming back!

***

The girls asked me a while back if I'd be interested in throwing my opinions into the the mix. Why not? You can't have too many bloggers in the kitchen, can you? Now, I have absolutely no professional training in the ways of love, life or romance. Any of my exes would agree with that. So don't expect any "Dear Abby" advice from me. I've spent my 33 years learning from trial and error, lots of error.

For my first post, let's go racin'!

I'm not from The South and I was never a NASCAR fan. I actually grew up in the middle of the U.S. ...Wichita, Kan. I've lived here since '99 and just in the past few years I've learned to stomach the All-Star race. I'll still never say I enjoy NASCAR, but man, I do love tailgating! So on Saturday I threw on my finest AC/DC concert T, loaded up a cooler with cold brews and headed out to Lowe's Motor Speedway with my girlfriend and few friends. Giddyup!

The first race I ever went to was the Coca-Cola 600. It was spoiled because I didn't really tailgate and nobody ever mentioned I could bring a cooler of beer into the Speedway. You should never have to sit through a race completely sober, especially not one as painfully long as the 600. The experience scarred me and it took about four years before I would try it again.

I don't remember the race as much as I do the apprehension leading up to it. I think it was the Bank of America 500. My girlfriend wanted to leave early to meet up with some friends for some prerace partying and I was dragging my feet because I was less than excited about going anywhere near the Speedway again. Finally, we left, and of course hit bumper-to-bumper traffic. As the tailgating time ticked away, my girlfriend got more and more ticked. We did get there with enough time to have a few beers and get in a couple games of cornhole. All in all, it was a good night and I felt like crap for wasting half the day and not trusting that my girlfriend and I would have a great time no matter what the setting was ... even a NASCAR setting.

This Saturday was our second All-Star race. It's still early to call it a tradition, but it seems to get better every year and I'm looking forward to next year already. Everybody has traditions and the best ones happen unexpectedly. This memorial weekend marks another tradition for me and my girlfriend. I'll tell you about it another post. Until then, do you have any unexpected traditions?

Thanks, but no thanks, dude

The other day I was walking from the Observer building to my car. As I approached the corner, one of the paper's trucks was in front of me and the driver honked. When I looked up, he waved. I smiled and returned his gesture.

Why couldn't that have been the end of it?

After I walked behind the truck to continue toward my car, I heard a voice. The driver had gotten out of his truck and walked toward me. He asked my name; in an effort to be friendly to a co-worker, I told him. Then he asked if he could call me sometime.

Readers, I took the easy way out, because I was tired and wanted to go home. I told him I had a boyfriend. "What, he won't let you take calls?" the driver asked incredulously. Suddenly, my non-existent boyfriend was a jealous and controlling jerk. As I hesitated, the driver offered to give me his card, so I could call him. He pulled out his wallet, but surprise! He had no cards. (I can hear all of your eyes rolling.) He asked for my office number. I caved and gave it to him. He promised to call, and he may have. I haven't checked my messages. (On purpose?)

Why do we women do that? Give in when we know we're not interested, I mean. Because we don't like to be rude, perhaps, or because giving in is the path of least resistance. In my case, it was both, and I'm not proud of it. But, ladies, isn't this something we wrestle with all the time?

I'm reminded of a story a close friend told me. She'd been dating a woman, but she didn't want to pursue anything romantic. She asked the woman if they could be friends. This is the part I love: She said the woman looked her in the eye and said, "I've already got enough friends." And that was that.

Well, that's how I feel right now: I don't need any more friends. I can barely keep in touch with the ones I've got, and I don't have the energy it takes to make more. That guy is probably perfectly nice, but his timing sucks. Work is demanding and I have other priorities; my social life is waaaaaay down the list. So will I be returning that dude's call? What do you think?

Dating 2 people at one time

In the dating world, you either have a significant other or you don’t.

But the line can get blurred if several significant others enter the picture.

It’s not hard to do. Picture it: You start out going on a few dates with this one woman. She’s taking it slow because she’s extremely busy at work and she’s divorced – so she's not in a rush to jump into anything remotely serious. Then, in between going out every once in awhile with Gal No. 1, along comes Gal No. 2. She’s available to hang out more often, she’s super cute, and oh, she’s totally open to being in a committed relationship.

Next thing you know, you find yourself “dating” two women, and in this scenario, it wasn’t done intentionally – it just happened. So what do you do?

Most folks would say this isn't an ethically smart thing to do; dating two people at the same time is deceptive or it’s not fair to either party, or possibly, it’s just a matter of having cake and swallowing it whole.

Sure, if one of the relationships starts to develop into something more than the hanging-out, going-to-the-park, watching-movies type of activities, then I think you need to pick a partner and devote your attention to him or her. Dating two people ends here.

But, if both of your relationships are more on a strictly platonic level (this is key), then why stress out about the fact you have two people in your life who care about you? I say life’s too short, so enjoy it.

Be honest – with your dates and yourself – about the situation.

Older, wiser, but still 'young'

I saw "Young @ Heart" -- a documentary about a New England senior citizens chorus -- recently, and it really stayed with me. I can't recommend it enough (it's playing at The Manor; here's Observer critic Lawrence Toppman's review).

I didn't expect the movie to affect me as much as it did. It's laugh-out-loud funny in spots, and tear-jerkingly poignant in others (take Kleenex -- I wish I had). "Young @ Heart" follows the chorus as they prepare new songs to add to their repertoire before heading off to tour Europe. Among them: tunes by Sonic Youth, Coldplay and James Brown. The star, in my mind, is 92-year-old Eileen, sharp as a tack and an irrepressible flirt. Her delivery of The Clash's "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" is worth the price of admission.

What I admire about the seniors is their vitality in their later years. I was immediately reminded of my paternal grandmother, because she has that same spark. We've become really close in the past five years or so. We communicate as two adults and I cherish that, because not only is she really wise, she's also really cool. My grandma is retired, but she has a part-time job, works the polls during elections, volunteers, is the leader of a neighborhood association, and is often not home when I phone. She has gentlemen callers; in fact, she gets more play than me! During a visit last month she regaled me with stories and made a Mother's Day gift request so naughty, I can't even repeat it here.

The stars of "Young @ Heart," and people like my grandmother, are model examples of how to age gracefully, smartly, and on one's own terms. They also show that we need not fear old age, because it is something to be embraced and enjoyed.

Recognizing the dating red flags

Don’t you wish there was a master list of warning signs when dating? It sure would make things a tad easier when weeding out the sane from the psycho or the liars from the truth-tellers.

Here’s a starter list of statements and phrases, that if your partner says on the first date or in those first get-to-know-you phone conversations or e-mails, you should either put up your guard and investigate more or immediately end all communication and change your phone number.

• “My back is really killing me. I’ve got to find a more comfortable bed than that raggedy couch.”

• “If we start dating, then I think it’s best you tell your friend Margaret that you can’t see her anymore. You only need me in your life.”

• “Oh, I bet you want to know who that was who just called me. Well, I told the creditors not to call me at work anymore and just to ring me on my cell – it cuts out the middle man.”

• “I gotta be home by 7 p.m., because Rob, my parole officer, will be there.”

Maybe we can come up with that master list of red flags if you contribute by posting in the comments. I bet there are some good ones out there!

This NFL owner gets it

I was at lunch Uptown with a coworker the other day and in walked Carolina Panthers majority owner Jerry Richardson. He’s not only easy to recognize (foxy grey hair and a former football player’s build), but he’s also a well-known figure in this town. In fact, he couldn’t eat his lunch without people interrupting him.

I’ve been a sports journalist for many years and seeing athletes and personalities up close is not really a big deal, but the more I thought about it, the more impressed I became that this multi-millionaire was out at a hole-in-the-wall type of restaurant. Sure, he’s gotta eat, like we all do, but he could also exclusively stay to the more upper-crust type of restaurants and never mingle among the commoners, if you will.

It immediately made me think about relationships, and how I’d like to believe Mr. Richardson deems it important to be seen as part of the fabric of this community. It builds on that trust factor that when an NFL owner says he or she cares about the fans, then there’s some tangible proof his word holds true. Relationships are nothing without trust, no matter if it’s between a man and a woman, a dog and his owner or a public figure and the city.

Oh, and how many times have you seen Charlotte Bobcats owner Bob Johnson eating out at a local BBQ joint?

Down, but certainly not out!

We apologize for our unplanned vacation from the blog, but we have Blogger to thank for it. For some reason, Blogger decided We Can Relate was a spam blog and locked us out, so we couldn't add new posts. But Blogger finally changed its mind and let us back in! Yay!

The other good news is that while we were away we made a big decision about the future of We Can Relate. We'll tell you about it soon, so stay tuned!

Texting your way to love

Here's something a friend from Seattle shared with me. Deirdre and I laughed heartily at it, and we think you might, too. Check it out and make sure to have your earphones on!

This issue teeters on 'Poison'

Here's a marital dilemma.

Husband wants to go and see Bret Michaels play at Alley Cat tonight. Wife wants to see the "Rock of Love" rocker as well, but she's not too keen on the $44.50-per-ticket fee.

You read that right - $90 to listen to the obvious (duh, roses have thorns) and see the obvious (women throwing themselves at the bandana-wearing 40-year-old-something stud -- or, wait, is he 50?) And you know once husband and wife buy a few drinks, the tab will be over $100.

Granted, husband says he understands it is a lot of dough to shell out and is relying on wife to be the "voice of reason." Understanding husband tells loving wife he realizes the cost is high and if it's not a smart decision, the couple just won't go to the concert ... but then he quickly follows up with "but I really, really, really want to go!"

Here's the issue: how can wife turn down husband's request to purchase said tickets when she herself recently signed up for a YMCA membership that roughly equals the same price as the concert tickets? Wife wants to be fair, and there has to be some give-and-take, right?

Surely all married folk have been through this sort of issue before. It's not huge in the great scheme of things; however, it does reflect on the core values of a marriage, including compromise and budget managing.

So, what would you do?

P.S.: Ahem, ahem, details in this entry were changed to protect the marriage.

Friendship has no age limit

I was dozing, enjoying a lazy Sunday, when I got an unexpected call. It was my friend Deirdre (yep, same spelling), phoning from her San Francisco home.

Deirdre and I met years ago at a party thrown by a mutual friend. Even though we seemingly had nothing in common but our name -- or maybe because of it -- we instantly clicked. She and her husband, Chris, are both more than 20 years older than me, but they have the look and energy and bohemian lifestyle of a couple much younger.

When I talk to Deirdre, it's as if I'm a student sitting at the feet of a master, and the subject she is schooling me on is Life. I always come away from our conversations feeling invigorated and enlightened. Yesterday, we talked for more than two hours about politics, religion, osteopathy, the business side of art (she's a poet; Chris is a painter) and more. Every topic was spiced with Deirdre's stories -- she's tells the most amazing stories, usually from her own life. A highlight of yesterday's chat: when we talked about early childhood memories, Deirdre recalled a World War II experience. Every family in the neighborhood except hers had blackout curtains (so interior light wouldn't show outside), and one night she opened the refrigerator. A policeman came to the door, Deirdre said, and exclaimed, "you're the only light in San Francisco. Are you trying to get us bombed?!" You don't learn stuff like that in high school history class.

I had another friend like Deirdre when I lived in California, a man who wrote columns for the newspaper I worked for. When Les stopped writing for the paper I would go visit him and Jessie Lou, his beloved wife of more than 40 years. They lived in a chichi retirement community on a golf course, but were close enough to the area's u-pick farms and produce stands that we'd have breakfast or lunch, then go get baskets of fresh fruit and veggies. All the while Les and Jessie Lou would regale me with funny stories of their travels and early years together in New York and Les's stint, decades ago, as a door-to-door salesman in the rural South.

When Les became gravely ill and was admitted to the hospital, one of his sons contacted me. I was there with his family during one of his brief periods of consciousness. Les's gaze flowed over the people gathered around his bed, then his eyes settled on me. I smiled and said hello, and his eyes softened. His son nudged me. "He recognized you," he said with a sweet smile. I never saw Les alive again, but I'll never forget the wealth of stories and advice he and Jessie Lou shared with me.

What I cherish about Deirdre and Les, and other friends who are much older, is that they don't discount "young whippersnappers," but instead embrace people no matter their age and learn from them just as much as they teach. It's the way I want to live as I age, and I think it may be the true secret to staying young at heart.

Is this the season of love?

Alisha: Today's forecast is projected to reach a high of 80 degrees. Thank goodness the warm weather is here, and with that, so is the perfect environment for love. Dontcha think?
Deirdre: Of course! I think there's something to that phrase, "spring fever." I know I've been feeling almost giddy lately. And have you looked around? People can't wait to get naked! Well, to at least wear fewer clothes.
Alisha: That's true ... I had almost forgotten what halter tops looked like till I saw five women wearing them as they walked down East Boulevard Thursday afternoon. Here's how I'd break down the seasons: Spring is a good time to start looking for a date, summer is when the hook-ups happen, fall is for either making the relationship last or ending it, and winter -- it's all about drinking something warm and snuggling up to someone.
Deirdre: Girl, I'm for looking and hooking and cuddling all year 'round! But spring is a special time. I think the longer and brighter days play a big part. We all just want to be ... out more. We've roused from hibernation, just like other animals. My cousin, who lived in Alaska for years, said that once spring arrived, everyone was walking around staring at everyone else, because they'd all been bundled up through winter and weren't used to seeing so much skin.
Alisha: I like the hibernation comparison -- it reminds me I need to shave my legs more often. Ha!
Deirdre: And get a pedicure! I started to put on sandals today, then noticed the sad state of my feet. Even my cat was like, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." If you're gonna start showing more skin, that skin better be worth showing!
Alisha: Readers, do you think all the warm rays and the lack of clothing gets you in the mood to seek out love, or would you rather find your potential mate in the dead of winter inbetween cuddling sessions?

Can't the sex wait?

A reader (I'll call him Single Black Male -- SBM) writes:

"Black male: 41, straight, never married, no kids, gainfully employed, homeowner, disease-free, social drinker, non-smoker, physically fit. What about the male perspective of being single and wanting to be in a relationship, but meeting a lot of princesses who turn out to be frogs?

"I meet very successful women through my business, church, socially, etc. As a man who has standards and values, you would think that being up-front about this would be welcomed. However, it has been my experience that many women are so conditioned to receiving or meeting men who are only interested in one thing, if you will, that when they meet a man who is interested in more, you are looked upon as strange or with a 'what's wrong with you?' attitude. Many of the women I meet do not value themselves and are in a rush to jump into bed. If you tell a women that we should wait, you get the gay label.

"Not that I have a walls up, but I am guarded about who I allow into my life. Is it too much to ask that we get to know each other first before we enter into a physical relationship?"

Listen, SBM, one of my closest friends told me he went to a club with some pals. He asked a woman to dance, and when they got out on the floor, she proceeded to "back that thang up." When he didn't respond by putting his hands on her and instead tried to put a respectful distance between them, she gave him one of those "what's wrong with you?" looks. That was the end of that.

I've heard stories like yours, and my friend's, so many times, from men and women. People try to rush the physical side of things for a myriad of reasons. Some might have a strong sex drive and genuinely just want to get laid. Some might equate sex with love. Some might tie their sexual attractiveness to their likability as a person. If you don't want to do them, a defense mechanism kicks in and to keep their self-esteem intact, something has to be wrong with you. In our mixed-signaled, sex-drenched culture, it's hard to not take this dating stuff too personally.

Most people do what they do because they think that's what it takes to get what they want ... if that makes sense. Some women think that to get a man they have to be sexually aggressive, or some men think they have to be "macho" to win a woman's initial respect. The trick is to find someone who's only willing to go as far as you're willing to go.

SBM, it sounds like you've been through a bad stretch of meeting women who aren't compatible. These low periods happen to us all, but trust me: there are plenty of women out there who want to know a man before they know him. Don't stop looking.

How to handle 'alone time'

Your partner says to you one early afternoon, “Look, I really need some ‘me’ time. Can you just leave me alone for awhile?”

Here’s the quandary: Should you be angry and hurt they don’t want to spend time with you, or should you respect their wishes because you know he or she needs space from time-to-time?

I’m quite sure this is a common scenario among many relationships – especially if both people live together and are often on the same schedule. As a couple, you’ve (hopefully) learned each other’s idiosyncrasies and can pick up on the mood swings, but it still can be a piercing blow to have your partner say to you, “get out of my face for awhile, ya hear?”

So, how do you handle the situation if you’re on the receiving end as your partner asks you to leave them alone? Do you just accept it and walk away? Do you pout or give them a guilt trip? Or do you stand your ground and tell your partner you’re not going anywhere?

And, if you’re on the giving end of trying to communicate that you just need some space for a couple hours, then how do you go about it? Do you send your partner an e-mail during the day, warning them you’re in a bad mood and you don’t want to be chatty when you get home? Or do you just leave for a couple hours?

A smile for single ladies

I received this e-mail forward from a (married!) friend today. What I like about it is it flips the fairy tale of marriage to a "prince" providing women's happily-ever-after. Yes, it relies on stereotypes, but it still made me smile, OK? And a smile is worth passing on.

My friend's note: "Read this. Go have a cocktail. Then come back and read it again. Put feet up. Smile serenely."

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said: "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't have to worry about her weight, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self-esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End.

Little League the new Studio 54?

OK, so maybe this blog won’t be too informative from my point of view because, well, I neither have kids nor am I a man. So that’s why I need your help.

The question is: “Where do single dads in Charlotte go to meet women?”

I’m sure single men can be found mingling at Ri Ra’s, but is it necessarily the best place for a man who has two little ones at home to meet women open to the idea of a single dad?

For example, I can’t imagine a meat market like Crush as an ideal location for a single dad to land a girlfriend. I’m picturing it now:

Single dad: “Um, hey, can I have your phone number?
Cute woman: “Sure, just don’t call before 10 a.m., though, because that’s when I get up in time to make it to English 301.”
Single dad: “Hey, nevermind on that number.”

I asked a former single dad (he has remarried) about his own dating experiences. He said dating women who don't have kids of their own just didn’t work for him because on the whole, “they didn’t understand the commitment it takes to be a good father.”

Here are his suggestions:
* Join a sports team. Or take a fitness class. Or join a community service group. You'll meet people outside your normal comfort zone.
* Network. Just like jobs, it's about who you know, but it's also about who they know.
* Don't sit at home, even if it means going to a concert or an art festival alone. You may hate art, but women don't, and it's a great conversation starter.
* There are lots of singles groups through churches, the YMCA and other organizations, and many of them include and plan for single parents.
* The stigma of online dating is fading, so don't be afraid to give it a try.
* Bottom line: It's not how you meet that's important, it's that you give yourself the opportunity to meet.

There have got to be some good options or places in Charlotte single dads gravitate toward when dating, and I’d like to think We Can Relate readers could offer up some ideas or tips, much like the great advice above.

Guys: Would you get pregnant?

Yep, what you're seeing is real. Oprah Winfrey is on her show, rubbing the belly of a man. A pregnant man.

The guy used to be a girl, until he legally changed his gender. He had his breasts removed, but kept his female sex organs for this very reason: in case he decided to have a baby. (If you're wondering, and you probably are, his wife had a hysterectomy and they used an anonymous sperm donor.)

I ... wow.

It's fascinating that this man decided to live as a man, but still wanted to experience something that is inherently female -- the act of giving birth. Think about it: the idea is mainly shocking because of biology. Women are built to have babies and men aren't.

But what if pregnancy and childbirth weren't limited to the female sex? You never know, one day it might not be.

Guys, if you could get pregnant and have a baby, would you do it?

Would you dump someone over a book?

The most e-mailed story on nytimes.com right now? It's Not You, It's Your Books, an essay by Rachel Donadio, about literary dealbreakers in relationships.

The whole idea cracks me up. Dump a dude because of what he reads? I'd be happy if the dude read at all! But indeed, Donadio shares tales of people whose (in my opinion) book snobbery got the better of them and they had to end it.

I heard an interview with Donadio yesterday on NPR's "Talk of the Nation" (if you want to listen, the link's at the top of this page), and people called in with their two cents. One woman said she makes her husband take his Stephen King novels from the bookcase when her book club comes over (heaven forbid the ladies think she has such lowbrow tastes). A man commented that if he'd seen, for example, "The Secret" on his wife's bedside table, he might not have married her. Folks called and e-mailed in to say that if prospective partners hadn't read certain books, they could keep on keepin' on.

Harsh.

As for me, I side with author Ariel Levy, who told Donadio that she goes to her book group when she wants to talk about books, and that reading compatibility is a luxury. The goal, she said, is “to find somebody where your perversions match and who you can stand.”

What about you? How important is literary compatibility to you? Have you ever dumped someone because you found out they adore Ayn Rand or despise Dave Eggers? Or could you care less?

Flirting: A refresher course

I was sipping my cocktail -- one of those "martinis" where the only thing martini-like about it is that it's served in a martini glass -- at a bar Saturday night when my friend announced, "I want to practice flirting."

Like many of us post-relationship, she's a little rusty on chatting up people in bars and clubs and such. So our night out turned into a fun little flirting workshop. And since she made some common mistakes, you get to benefit from her blunders.

Here's what out-of-practice flirters have to remember: Flirting is like dancing -- salsa dancing, really. When the girl steps back, the guy steps forward. When the guy moves back, the girl moves forward. It's a sexy push and pull, and you're working together. And women, this is the most important thing: while there are some fearless (or reckless, or clueless) men who will flirt with anyone at any time, most guys will wait and watch for some sign -- an invitation to dance, if you will -- that lets them know they won't be shot down if they approach. No one likes rejection.

Which brings me to my first lesson.

1. My friend claimed she was a master of the across-the-room flirt, which is mostly in the eyes. Look, look away, look back. I asked her what she did when the guy she was looking at finally came over. "I run away," she admitted.
The lesson here: "You have to commit," I told her. If you're using the sassy eyes on someone, you're telling them without words you're interested. People who do stuff like that, then bail, might be thought of as teases, and that could get you hurt. It's also rude. But more on this later.

2. Here's a snippet of our conversation:
Me: ... You have to watch body language. Remember the guy who was here next to me ordering a drink? His body language was open -- did you see how he was facing me, so all I had to do was --
Her: What guy?
Me: That really cute guy who was right here less than five minutes ago. He had positioned himself so that --
Her: What cute guy? I didn't even see him!
The lesson here: I think I say this in every blog about the dating scene, but that's because it's crucial: YOU HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. The father of my friend's children could have been standing next to me, and she missed him. You've got to be ON -- all the time really, if you're looking for a mate, but turn it up when there are a lot of available people milling around.

3. My friend set her sights on a man she wanted to practice on. He'd passed us earlier and when their eyes met, she smiled and he smiled back, holding her glance an extra beat. ("But he didn't stop!" she wailed. "You didn't help him!" I shot back. "He looked at you and all you had to do was say hi. You have to give him reason to stop." The dance, remember?)
In full wingwoman mode, when he passed us again I snagged him. In less than a minute he was sitting with us. But my friend had decided within the first couple of minutes she wasn't interested anymore. I wound up talking to him more than she did.
The lesson here: Back to lesson one: Commit, even if it's only three minutes before you use your escape strategy. You've done the work to get the dance going -- there's no graceful way out after only a couple of moves. I reminded my friend that she said she wanted to practice. You're not going to date every person you flirt with. OK, the person isn't who you thought they were going to be. Keep the stankface at bay and converse for a few minutes, then move on.

Another reason flirting is like dancing: you may step on a few toes in the beginning, but you become more proficient over time. My friend might have stumbled a bit, but at least she's back on the dance floor. You never learn if you never try.

I'm psyched for my reunion -- go figure

My 20-year class reunion is this year, and one of my best friends from high school got roped into tracking down members of our senior class. I called him to get the rundown.

Since I was hazy on the names he mentioned, we both went and got our yearbooks. We flipped through them as we talked.

"I feel like I should be drinking while doing this," he joked. No kidding. I was tempted to pour a glass of wine myself. The walk down memory lane dredged up memories good and bad.

I recall what I used to say in my early 20s about attending a class reunion. No way I would go back unless I was really skinny, and had an awesome job and a gorgeous man on my arm. I'd been a super-shy band geek in high school, and I thought I had something to prove. I skipped my 10-year reunion because I didn't want to shell out for the flight from California to Alabama -- plus I told myself I was still in touch with everyone I cared about from those days.

Now I'm within easy driving distance of a reunion, and my long talk with my friend made me excited about going. As I flipped through the color pictures of us smiling seniors, with bad haircuts, ugly glasses and goofy smiles, I found myself curious about how we all turned out. The guys I had crushes on -- would I still feel the same way, or wonder what drugs I was on? The people I thought were so cool and interesting, but I was afraid to talk to them -- would they be as interesting now?

And what would my former classmates think of me? I can't say I'm as concerned as I used to be. I'm not going to go on some crazy diet to lose 60 pounds by summer. I'm not going to lie about my job -- so what if I'm not a doctor/lawyer/media superstar -- and I'm totally comfortable going alone, and telling people I've never married.

I'm just going to be Deirdre ... because I like her just fine.

How about you guys? Did you go to your class reunions, or did you avoid them like Brussels sprouts? And why?

In right situation, cohabitation is way to go

I’m an advocate of cohabitation, and I speak from experience.

My then-boyfriend-now-husband and I met in January 2001 and in August 2002, we moved in to a two-bedroom apartment in Rock Hill. The decision made good sense at the time; we felt our relationship was aboard the train headed toward marriage, and it was a smart fiscal move because we were practically living together already, yet still maintaining two households.

We learned a lot from our time in our apartment, and now that we've been married for 2 1/2 years, we often look back on how it prepared us for a committed relationship.

For example, it's impossible to know your partner obsesses over the fact laundry cannot sit for more than 15 minutes once the machine is done, or that your future spouse cannot sleep without some type of background noise (preferably the TV), without having spent time living under the same roof.

It's like playing a preseason NFL schedule -- you can see the quality and potential of the players you've got out on the field, you've still got time to make some key adjustments, or a complete roster overhaul if necessary, and it's exhibition, so it goes in the record books but it doesn't affect the season.

I wouldn't suggest purchasing a home together if you're not fully committed to making the relationship longterm, but if the situation is ideal and you and your partner want to test the waters before taking the plunge, I do recommend cohabitation.

Bottom line: Marriage is hard work

A reader posed this question as a comment to a recent We Can Relate blog:

“What is the ‘work’ involved in a marriage, exactly? ... Getting along with someone, merging your finances, deciding who will clean the dishes or watch the kids? Doesn’t seem like all that much work to me. Sure seems easier than washing windows at the top of the Hearst building all day.” -- Female, 38 and single, Charlotte

It’s an excellent question, and one that deserves some discussion.

When anyone asks my opinion on matrimony, I often respond with “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, but it’s a lot of hard work.”

It’s cliché and it’s trite, but it’s the truth. The investment of time and commitment required are laden with much more responsibility than when you're single, and you won't fully understand until you tie the knot.

Any time you bring two people together, you’re going to have a clash of individuality meets conformity. As a single person, you only had to worry about numero uno. As a married person, your actions and decisions not only affect you, but they impact someone else – another person who also has his or her own motives, ideas and preferences. You don’t lose your individuality, but you gain someone else’s.

I’m sure there’s a variance of how hard a couple works at a marriage. Some will spend their entire relationship arguing and battling a Class VI river of life’s obstacles while others might bicker some, but will mostly float on down a lazy stream.

Is it a challenge? Yes. Does it require a job description? No - you just gotta wing it. But are the benefits good? Definitely.

We all know the old adage, “two heads are better than one,” but the hard work comes in when those heads don’t always agree.

'Don'ts' for husbands and for wives

I was flipping though the latest issue of Vanity Fair when an article about two books by Blanche Ebbutt, "Don'ts for Wives" and "Don'ts for Husbands," stopped me cold. The books, written in 1913, have been reissued by A. & C. Black, Ltd. in pocket-sized editions. ($4.95; available April 1, of all dates!)

I think they'd make fun gifts. What's interesting is how well some of the advice holds up -- it's hard to believe it's almost 100 years old! Some examples, courtesy of the article:

Don'ts for wives:

-- Don't let your husband wear a violet tie with grass-green socks. If he is unhappily devoid of the color sense, he must be forcibly restrained, but -- don't be sarcastic about your husband's taste in dress.
-- Don't let him have to search the house for you. Listen for his latchkey and meet him on the threshold.
-- Don't try to excite your husband's jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one.

Don'ts for husbands:

-- Don't be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a featherbrain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help.
-- Don't give up cricket, or football ... or whatever outdoor sport you have been accustomed to just because you are married. Athletics will keep you from becoming flabby.
-- Don't argue that a new hat isn't necessary because there is nothing visibly wrong with the one she is wearing. You probably have forgotten that this is its third season, but she hasn't.

What's your relationship status?

Have you ever stopped to think about where you are in your relationship?

It's easy to spout off if you're single or married -- those are pretty cut and dry descriptors. If you were to break it down to below-the-surface labels, how would you describe your current situation?

What if you're single and you know deep down you don't wish to ever get married?
What if you're married, truly unhappy and wishing you weren't attached?
What if you're dating and you're the happiest you've ever been?

These are questions that don't arise when talking about relationships in everyday conversation with friends and family. Most people ask if you are single or not. You answer yes or no, but rarely go into more detail. Sometimes the answer is too personal, and other times it's just no one's business. Either way, I find it important to take time to reflect on where you are in your relationship status, if not for anyone else's benefit but for your own.

If you feel inclined to share, tell us where you're at right now. The key is to be truthful. For the sake of full disclosure, I would describe my own marriage as, "We're very happy, but we're a work in progress." There are always things we can do to grow together as a couple.

Here are some possible scenarios:

Married - It's all a bed of roses and I'm blissfully happy

Married - I'm happy, but we're a work in progress

Married - We're on the rocks, and it ain't pretty

Separated - It's time to start anew

Divorced - Marriage sucked and it's just not worth it

Divorced - I'm hopeful I can find a new soul mate

Dating - Life is a supermarket and I'm having fun shopping

Dating - I've got someone and we're taking it slow

Dating - I'm serious with this person, but he/she isn't the one

Single - I can't picture myself committed to another person

Single - I'm ready to find someone, like, 10 minutes ago

Sex is very unsexy to me right now

In the past five days I've:

-- Watched the Chinese movie "Lust, Caution,"which has gorgeous cinematography, fantastic acting and marvelous direction by Ang Lee (who directed "Brokeback Mountain." The man is a master of tortured love). It features a main couple who, for reasons too complex to get into here, have explicit sex in positions so convoluted, Chinese doctors warn against attempting any of them out of fear of bodily harm. I got hamstring cramps just watching.

-- Read a story about how 1 in 4 U.S. teen girls has an STD. One in four. Good lord.

-- Seen an episode of "Law & Order: SVU" that featured a 14-year-old boy who raped kids younger than him because he had seen so much sexual content on TV, he thought it was OK. I know it was fiction, but stuff like that really happens. The episode sapped all my energy. I just went to bed.

-- Been bombarded by coverage of the Spitzer debacle and watched countless interviews with ex-hookers, madams, pimps, psychologists, police, men who've cheated, and women who've been cheated on. I've had conversations about leaving, staying, trusting, lying, hating, loving, setting deal breakers and just what can you get for $4,300, anyway?

The final straw came as I was driving home last night and passed Uptown Cabaret. The parking lot of the "gentlemen's club" was overflowing. Dudes were out front selling drinks. "Ahhh, the guys in town for the ACC," I thought. But then I thought about the wives and girlfriends at home and wondered if they knew what their men were up to. And I thought about how people betray each other, and how sex is often the means they use to do so. And then I thought about ...

You can see where this is going. I drove home with dark thoughts and a bad mood.

Normally, I'm very pro-sex. Sex is great. I'm all for people enjoying the sex. Have as much sex as possible, I say. But sex isn't looking so hot right now. It's the source of a lot of drama and upheaval and hospital visits for people who don't heed the Chinese doctors' warnings.

Celibacy has its perks.

Spitzer example brings out one's worst fears

It was hard to miss the news yesterday: Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York, the former attorney general known as "Elliot Ness" and "Mr. Clean," is accused of shelling out big bucks for a high-priced call girl.

We followed the case in the newsroom, of course. As I watched the governor's brief news conference I couldn't contain my disdain. "No way would I be up there with him!" I near-shouted as Silda Spitzer stood, eyes downcast, at her husband's side. I continued with a few choice words I can't repeat here -- enough for one of my co-workers to pause and look up at me. "Why are you so upset?" he asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. I couldn't encapsulate my feelings. But I've had some time to think about it, and here's why.

Because the Spitzer scandal crystallizes my deepest fear: That I will entrust a man with my heart and build a life with him. And he will betray me.

We don't know the ins and outs of Eliot and Silda Spitzer's 20-plus years together, nor should we. But this mess has made some aspects clear. The news that Eliot Spitzer might be a prostitution ring "john" came as a complete shock to those who know him. During the coverage I heard the couple described as having "a warm, loving relationship," "a real marriage, not a fake marriage." And yet, if the accusations are true, Spitzer spent thousands of dollars for sex ... and was a repeat customer. For a man with his reputation, this scandal is a spectacular act of self-destruction. His actions were not only enough to torpedo his marriage, but his career.

Something is going on with him -- and judging from the dazed look on his wife's face at that news conference, he's kept her in the dark about it.

That's what I fear.

To me, marriage is a partnership of equals and best friends. While I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me every little thing in his mind, I would expect him to tell me if he is troubled, or if he has some need that is not being met in our relationship. The thought that my husband would, using the Spitzer example, pay for sex and then continue in our marriage ... I don't know what would hurt more -- the infidelity, or finding out something has gone so irreparably wrong that the infidelity is the outcome. To not be given the chance to fix the problem, or barring that, given the option to end on a respectful note.

To not be trusted with the truth.

Study: Men + Housework = More sex

Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco-area psychologist and author, said in a report released Thursday that equitable sharing of housework can lead to a happier marriage and more frequent sex.

Read the Associated Press story here.

For Heaven's sake! My response to Mr. Coleman's take is simply: Well, no crap, Sherlock.

Does it really take a guy who spent years getting his Ph.D. in psychology to tell us that if two people are on the same level when it comes to doing household chores, caring for the children and maintaining a home that both partners might feel as though it's a true partnership, and will be more apt to express their appreciation for one another?

I sure hope we're a smarter group than that.

I'd like to see a report commissioned about how if women tell their husbands to watch football all weekend, then they're more likely to receive a bigger diamond for their anniversary!

MTV's 'True Life' gets sexy

I'd planned to go out Saturday, but after it took 20 minutes to get out of uptown Friday night (complete with dudes in the surrounding cars peering in, trying to get a good look at me), I decided I just didn't have the energy. So that's how I found myself on the couch, sipping a beer and watching an episode of the MTV series "True Life," this one entitled, "I Work in the Sex Industry."

I've seen the "True Life" mini-documentaries before, and they've always been informative, if a bit shallow. Really, how much of a person's life can you cover when it's an hourlong episode and you're featuring three people? Still, I enjoyed the recent installment.

Man, I thought I was having trouble with relationships! "I Work in the Sex Industry" features the relationship difficulties of a 22-year-old chick who works on the business side of porn (she can't get a boyfriend), a 23-year-old dude who says he's straight, but does gay porn for the money (he wants to tell his family what he does for a living), and a girl, 22, who parlayed her many sexcapades into fodder for a college radio show called "Sex on the Beach" (she has fallen in love and her co-host is afraid it'll ruin the show).

My thoughts:

• The show serves as a reminder that sex is darned complicated. The girl from the business side of porn -- she does everything from file paperwork to scout for new "talent" to assist on movie shoots -- can't find a man comfortable with her career choice. Or, they're too comfortable and expect her to be a non-discriminating nympho. The chick who shares her sex life on the radio loses the man she's falling in love with because he can't accept her promiscuous past and is insecure about being a part of her monogamous future. And the porn star, well ...

• Guys who do gay porn and claim they're straight will never be believed. The porn actor's co-stars cracked me up, because they were looking at him like, "girl, please." I think human sexuality works on a sliding scale, from completely heterosexual on one end to completely homosexual on the other, so I also think it's possible for a man to have sex with other men and still prefer women for relationships. But I'm probably in the minority on that one. So I'll move on.

• When you're 22, anything seems possible, doesn't it? The decisions we make then affect the rest of our lives, and each of these people, in their own way, seem full of promise. I almost wish "True Life" would do a follow-up documentary about the lives of these three in 10 years ... but I guess then it would have to be on VH1, wouldn't it?

Demanding payment after the love is gone

Alisha: Financial stability is hard to accomplish when one is single and it can certainly be hard to juggle when you're dating. One thing is for sure: When you break up with someone, it is not cool to ask the ex for monetary compensation for items you gave from the heart (i.e., a dozen roses and sushi on every birthday or that weekend trip to Charleston for your anniversary).
Deirdre: OMG, how tacky is that? It's like, when the love is over, you want a refund. Do you think most times it's a case of pure bitterness, or do you think the person wants his or her "investment" returned, like you're no longer worth it?
Alisha: D) All of the above, plus a whole host of other issues such as insecurity and just plain egocentrism. The request of "back payments" doesn't just happen with boyfriend and girlfriends, but also with friends, too.
Deirdre: Absolutely. I had a woman pull a version on me once we were no longer friends. She talked about all the money she'd spent on presents for me, as if I should feel guilty because she chose to give me Christmas and birthday gifts. It never occurred to me to demand my gifts back from her, or to ask for compensation. When we give presents, isn't it because we want to show affection and we want the other person to have them?
Alisha: So are folks adding dollar signs now -- right next to the marks on the bed posts? I wish there was a way you could tell in the beginning if someone equates gifts of love with money owed later, because it seems the "you owe me" declaration isn't broached until there's a nasty fight or the relationship is over.
Deirdre: I'd say alarm bells should go off if the other person makes a big deal every time they pay for something, or if they constantly remark on how much stuff costs when you're together. And for heaven's sake, don't go into debt to impress someone; if you can't afford it, pick cheaper alternatives. If the person you're with doesn't understand (or doesn't like) that you're on a budget, maybe you should be with someone else.
Alisha: Yeah, good call. It sucks some allow money to define the parameters of their love and it's misused as a tool to control emotions and commitment.
Deirdre: It also sucks that buying and giving gifts -- one of the most thoughtful and generous things we can do for each other -- could later become something we regret.

Sex challenge is certainly that - a challenge

You gotta give churches some credit; they're coming up with innovative ideas to draw butts into the seats as well as garner some national attention.

The latest story is about a Florida church that has embraced a 30-day sex challenge.

There's not much to the story: The pastors want their marrieds in the congregation to have sex for 30 days and their singles to abstain. Here is the church's Web site.

The underlying concept has a lot of potential -- married people should re-focus on their emotional needs inside the bedroom (always a good idea) and single folks should evaluate if they're dating someone solely for sex (face it, some people would never be together if the sex wasn't so good).

My big question, and please don't laugh because it's an honest inquiry: I wonder if the church expects its married couples to have sex once every day or a total of 30 times? I mean, seriously, even if you have a plentiful sex drive, having sex once every day is a lot! Not only is that a hefty responsibility, but if you think about it, it's almost counterproductive to the ideals the concept is promoting. If you take this challenge, then you're adding another item to the daily "to-do" list and where's the spontaneity in that?

I can see it now:
Husband: "Hey honey, um, we haven't had sex today. So, it's 4 p.m., and I've got to take the kids to soccer practice and then my class is at 8 p.m. When do you think we can have sex?
Wife: "You think phone sex counts as part of the challenge? We do have unlimited minutes after 8 p.m.!"

Do the eyes have it? Not too sure 'bout that

Check out this video about Eye Gazing parties, a relatively new way for singles to meet. I say "relatively" because I heard this was going on a few years ago in New York, and really, don't all the weird dating trends start in New York? But I always wondered what "Eye Gazing" would be like (how do you keep from laughing? What if you get stuck with somebody who has crazy, Anthony-Perkins-in-"Psycho" eyes?), and this quick AP video offers an idea.

At an Eye Gazing party, about 50 or 60 singles gather in a room, equal number men and women. They line up across from each other and look into each other's eyes awhile before moving to the next person. "The idea is that you actually can get to know someone more looking right into their eyes," the organizer explains in the video. The ones who feel they've made a "connection" can mingle afterwards and exchange numbers or leave together or whatever.

Hmm. While I agree you can learn a lot about someone from their eyes, that knowledge doesn't really come from simply staring at them. You notice if people's eyes light up when they see you coming, or shift away guiltily when they've done something they know you won't like. You can tell if someone meets your gaze during conversation, or if their eyes follow the pert butt of a waitress as she walks by.

But just staring at a stranger and saying nothing? Sure, it's a good way to decide if you're attracted, but it doesn't take minutes of gaping to determine that. You could spend the first few seconds thinking, "wow, this person is smokin' hot," and the rest of the time noticing how badly she applied her eyeliner. Or counting the lines around his eyes. Or if the person is like me, with chronically dry peepers, the starer has plenty of time to wonder if Mr. or Ms. Red Eye got enough sleep last night ... or had too many cocktails.

Still, singles are always on the lookout for new ways to meet each other. The video claims the trend is "taking off around the country," so if it makes it to Charlotte, happy staring!

Sexy, soulful sonnets

In honor of all the lovers out there, here's some sigh-inducing sonnets -- the first a lot sexy and a little scary, the second from The Master.

Sonnet XI by Pablo Neruda

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

Sonnet 55 by William Shakespeare

Not marble, nor the gilded monuments
Of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme
but you shall shine more bright in these contents
Than unswept stone, besmeared with sluttish time.
When wasteful war shall statues overturn,
And broils root out the work of masonry,
Nor Mars his sword nor war's quick fire shall burn
The living record of your memory.
'Gainst death and all-oblivious enmity
Shall you pace forth; your praise shall still find room
Even if the eyes of all posterity
That wear this world out to the ending doom.
So, till the judgment that yourself arise,
You live in this, and dwell in lovers' eyes.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day wish list for couples

If you're in a relationship, and you need ideas about what to get your partner for Valentine's Day, ideas that do not involve a Hallmark card (easily discardable) or a teddy bear (gathers dust), why not ask your spouse to make a Top 5 wish list? Tell him or her to select one of the Top 5.

My thinking was, it would take the hassle out of guessing what he wants -- or so I thought.

Here's what my list entails, followed up with my husband's. And, um, are all men like this?

My list:
1. A shoulder and back massage for 20 minutes
2. A handwritten love note
3. A single rose
4. Call me at work just to say "I love you"
5. Take me to a restaurant (doesn't have to be fancy), that we've never been to before. And bring candles or ask the waiter to have candles.

My husband's list:
1. Peace and quiet (no running around or doing housework) for a day.
2. Valentine's Day is for women. Period. My list is done.

Online dating is a small world

An online-dating friend was checking her matches recently and did a double take when she saw one of the men. She'd been matched with a co-worker.

Awkward.

When she told me about it, I was immediately reminded of a chick I knew in California. I always thought of her as the "Match bunny" because she was such a prolific online dater. The bunny was mortified when eHarmony matched her with an ex-boyfriend.

"Obviously, I have to move, because I've dated every man in San Francisco!" she wailed. I pointed out that maybe there was something to that eHarmony compatibility test, since she was matched with a man she had once found relationship-worthy. She was not consoled.

The bunny illustrates a point: the online dating world, especially when you limit it to where you live, really ain't that big. Talk to friends who have similar tastes in prospective partners and if they're online dating, it's likely they've been out with some of the same people. In a small area like Charlotte, it's totally possible you'd be matched with folks you already know.

My friend -- who wound up having a laugh with her co-worker about their "match" -- asked what I thought was the right thing to do. Well, dating a co-worker is no joke. As someone who has done it, I wouldn't recommend it. Some companies have policies against it. So if you do decide to date a co-worker, I say tread lightly.

If you're not interested (or even if you are, but have decided it's not a good idea), you have an easy out: "I'm sorry, but I don't date people I work with." It's a logical and understandable response. But then I would add I'd keep an eye out for someone they might like, and ask them to do the same for me. Hey, you've already read each other's profiles! Not only are you ending things on a painless note (and you can still look each other in the eye at the office), you never know what might happen. Friends do have other friends.

No age limit on love, marriage

Some people search for months, years and even decades trying to find their one true love.

And one day, after tireless waiting, it finally happens. Into your life walks the Cinderella you’ve been dreaming about marrying. She’s beautiful and thin, she’s established and has her finances in order, she can cook like there's no tomorrow, and oh, … she’s 68 years old, and well, you’re 65.

This scenario begs the question: How old is too old to get married?

Is there an age limit to loving someone? – Of course not.
Can an ordained minister marry you no matter your age? – Definitely (sshhh, just don’t tell you got the AARP discount).
Should you have a wedding, complete with five bridesmaids, rehearsal dinner and an overflowing church decked out in $10,000 worth of flowers? – If you’ve already had one big wedding in your life, why overdo it again?

As the saying goes, age is just a number. If you feel young, then you are young. If you love someone, despite the fact he cheats at Bingo or she shops at Aldi, well, then you love them. It’s your prerogative to marry whom you want to marry, when you want to marry.

My sister, Jessica, oversees the Senior Programs (ages 55+) for the Town of Apex (N.C.), and she says she recently had two participants, both in their 80s, get married. She said the couple is as happy as they can be because for them, it’s about companionship and enjoying the rest of their life together.

Isn’t that what a marriage is supposed to be about? Spending each day with the person who makes your life complete, even when you grow old.

Everyone needs a 'friend sponsor'

Hello, my name is Alisha, and I’m a friend sponsor.

Perhaps you don’t know what the definition of a “friend sponsor” is? That’s OK. I’m sure most of you qualify, and you just aren’t plugged in – yet! It's similar to having an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor; you depend on someone to help you avoid tempting situations, or in this case, prevent you from returning to bad ex-significant others, especially just for sex (which could be another blog topic entirely).

Take five minutes to read the conversation below. It’s a quick test to see if you are a member of this elite club, and I promise it’s easier than filling out a 1040EZ form. When reading the conversation, if you can immediately see yourself in this situation, guess what, kiddo? You are a “friend sponsor.”

Begin test:

Your cell phone rings. It’s 11 on a Friday night. You hear heavy breathing on the line. You look again at your caller ID, and you know it’s your good buddy Thomas. You slowly answer with an inquisitive hello.

Thomas: I need your help.
You: What’s up? You OK? Please don’t tell me you’re in jail or you’re stuck in uptown Charlotte without a cab again?
Thomas: Nah, girl. That’s not it. She’s calling me again.
You: Oh. No. That’s not good.
Thomas: Yeah, and I’m thinking about going over to her place tonight. It’s been a long time and just maybe …
You (cutting him off): And just maybe this time she’ll use you for one thing and one thing only, then she’ll spit you out – AGAIN – and where does that leave you?
Thomas: I know … I know you’re right but the sex is so good with her. It’s just so tempting.
You: Look, there’s a reason why your relationship with her didn’t work out. You were miserable and you don’t deserve to go through that again just for one night of satisfaction, right? Riiiigghhht?
Thomas: Ahhhh! Yeah. I tend to forget about all those names she called me. It’s just so easy to remember how good she did that …
You (cutting him off, again): Ignore her text messages. Turn off your phone. Don’t think about her whatsoever.
Thomas: Thanks. That’s why I called. I knew you’d look out for me. You know what, you’re the coolest “friend sponsor” a guy could have. If you need me, I'll be out with the guys. See ya!

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and well, er, the sexually-charged.

Gift ideas for your Valentine

Valentine's Day is approaching fast, and I got a great catalog in the mail with stuff in it that, if you feel like splurging, might make a great gift for that special person in your life.

I've ordered and received gifts from Red Envelope. What I appreciate about the company is they know how to make recipients of its products feel special. The gifted items arrive encased in the company's signature red boxes, and usually with a card that explains where it came from, how to use it, and/or what its significance is.

The recent catalog and Web site are focused on love. The items all deal with ways to show affection, or unity, or sophisticated sexiness. My favorites include the pewter "get lucky" dice, a set of four dice inscribed with body parts, actions words and prepositions (example: "brush lips against back" -- rowr); a beautifully packaged deluxe "intimacy" kit that includes a mini-vibrator, silk restraints, massage candle, lubricant, condoms and before-and-after mints; lovely men's cuff links crafted of salvaged seats from America's much-loved ball parks; and a selection of flower arrangements that manage to be super-classy and decadent at the same time. Red Envelope also offers matching jammies and jewelry for those couples who like to dress in sync, and plenty of other well-thought-out items.

Red Envelope's products aren't cheap, but if you're looking for something to knock your lover's socks off -- literally -- it's worth a look. And you can order up til Feb. 12 and still have it arrive on Valentine's Day.